I think this was pretty cool Shelton, a great way to start off the series.  It flowed pretty well and I liked how you added little bits of humor here and there, nothing huge or distracting, but a few lines sprinkled throughout.   I Liked the story and could see if someone was that obsessed they would go to these great lengths, I mean you see shit like that online all the time.

As for Tanis, it was nice to see her back, I thought Bert did a very good job there as well.

Good job both of you.

Thanks for the read, Jordan.  The humor part is just me.  I have a habit of adding little things like that in every so often in pieces like this, and the end result is usually mixed.  I think that's pretty much the case here.

I agree with you on the obsession part.  On the surface it can be a little hard to take in, but I don't think it's entirely impossible.  I think the key with any of these stories is to suspend disbelief a little.

Thanks again for reading.

We suspend disbelief easily, as in this case, when the character is so compelling that we get swept up in their quest/obsession.  If they aren't so compelling, that's when people won't suspend disbelief.  This script nailed it for me!

Good job with this one, Mike.  It totally reminded me of the old Tales from the Darkside show that used to creep me out when I was a little kid.  I haven't read any other parts in this series, so this was my first intro to Tanis.

Unlike some of the other posters, I honestly didn't see the ending coming.  For a while, I thought you had lost your way with the story and it was going to turn into some heartwarming, tearjerker ending.  Then, it got evil, which I liked.  His own Dad drags him to Hell.  Nice little Father's Day tale.  True, you did greatly exaggerate the effects of radiation.  I've seen that Chernobyl Ferris wheel on news reports where the reporter is casually walking around the abandoned amusement park with no protection or anything.  The radiation has faded to the point where short exposure is safe.  The effects Charlie suffered would take weeks of exposure.  But, that's the "suspension of disbelief" you mentioned.

I think I may have caught a typo on page 18:

  CHARLIE
Must be an American thing. Anyway,
what he took to me is very
important.

I believe you meant "from" me rather than to me.

Overall, though, well executed with a sinister little ending.

Cam

This is probably my favorite of your scripts, Mike.  The story worked well and the characters were very realistic.  The supernatural element, here, was low key.  Too much of it, I think, would've made it hokey.


Phil

Hey guys,

Thanks for checking it out.  Glad you enjoyed it.

Cam,

You're right about the area where the Ferris Wheel is.  It is, in a sense, safe, but it was just too damn cool of a scenario to let go of, so I upped the radiation level for the hell of it.  From what I researched, the things that happened to him at various stages of exposure were accurate though, so that's a trade-off.

You're right on the typo.  That should have been "What he took is very important to me."

Phil,

I definitely wanted to keep things pretty much low key in the supernatural regard, because like you said, too much can be a bit hokey.  Glad you liked the characters as well.

Thanks again for reading.

This was a great read Mike.

I listened to the script last week, but only after I finished my script.  I didn't want to get influenced.

It turns out your supernatural element was as low key as mentioned above.

The Vlad taxi discussion picked up by Ste was a query of mine.

Not sure about the ending regarding the officers.  I'm 50/50.  It's like they appeared from nowhere.  If you left the police bit out of it, this would have been better.

If a rewrite is to come around.  Maybe on the Ferris Wheel.  Some of the dead from the Chernobyl disaster occupy the other gondolas while others queue up?

I enjoyed Tanis.  And the Ferris Wheel idea was a unique one, with Chernobyl as the setting.

Overall, your script was fast and enjoyable.

All the best,


Javier

Hey Javier,

Thanks for checking it out.

I had the cops show up to give the scene a little bit of urgency, and to illustrate that the item had been left behind on the Ferris Wheel for Tanis to find.  Somebody had asked why the cop didn't take it, and that's why.  It eventually needs to end up in Tanis' collection.

As for the Chernobyl people being on the Ferris Wheel as well, I don't think I could have put them through that.  They'd been through enough already, and sending them to a hell like place would be flat out cruel.

Thanks again.

Hey Mike, as you know I read this when it first came out. I wanted to hold off on my comments for awhile and see what everyone else had to say.  Guess it’s time for me to post my thoughts now.

First off, I want you to know that I did like it.  It was interesting, well written and paced, and kept my attention until the end.

As I said earlier, I love scripts (movies, whatever) that are set in real places.  It just gives a much bigger and more realistic feel to them.  For me, it helps in being able to actually picture where we’re supposed to be.  So I applaud you for that.

Pretty much all my little complaints have been brought up already. I do want to bring them up again and let you know why they were issues for me.

I didn’t really like the interaction between Charlie and his Dad.  Albert just seemed too mean and unloving.  If Charlie was indeed not that great a person or son, it takes away from me liking or routing for him.  But I didn’t see anything that he did that would lead me to believe he wasn’t a good person.  Yeah, he took the key chain from his dead Dad’s hands, but other than that, he seemed to be an alright guy, and our only protag.

Although I liked the central theme here about riding all the world’s great Ferris Wheels, I also didn’t in a weird way.  I mean, I totally understand why someone would want to ride all the great coasters in the world, or ski all the great mountains, etc., but I don’t see the need to ride all the Ferris Wheels.  Every Ferris Wheel is pretty much the exact same thing, other than the view.  

Kind of combined with the above, I find it hard to believe that Charlie could, or would, be able to do this financially…especially the Russia part on such a short notice.  He didn’t come off as wealthy in any way, and for some reason, this stuck with me throughout.

As others have said, the motivation to get the key chain back was also suspect.  First off because of the expense it would take. Secondly, just the time (and available free time).  Third, it was a cheap little key chain that his Dad didn’t even want him to have in the first place.  And finally, I just don’t buy it that Charlie would put himself in a life or death situation for this.

The stuff with Vlad didn’t ring true for me.  I also didn’t like the “Shirley” joke…felt very out of place.

The radiation part also didn’t work for me.  Way too fast for that to happen.  Also, too easy to get into an area like that.

As some one else suggested, I think it would have been a great ending for the ghosts of Prypiat to not only be riding the Wheel, but be visible to Charlie as he’s walking around.  I think it would really increase the power of the whole piece.

So all in all, I liked this and think you did a great job.  It shows that you did some research and the real life settings made this feel very big.  Nice work, Mike!

Jeff,

Thanks for the look, and for taking the time to respond further.  Like you said, a lot of what you've mentioned has been brought up before, so rather than continue to elaborate on it, I just wanted to let you know that I've read your comment, and agree with just about everything you've said.

Time for people to go check out episode 2 now.

This was an awesome read cause it had an awesome premise.

Riding a ferris wheel in Chenobyl of all places.  Even the ambition to ride all the worlds ferris wheels is brillant.

This is probably one of the few scripts I have read here where it is just right and needs no rewriting, tweeking or anything like that which is an amazing acomplishment in itself.

The dialouge for Vlad was so well done and so perfect Eastern Europe that when I read it could here it with a Russian accent in my head. You must have watched Borat like a dozen times to get it so right.

I've never seen you write a script like this before and wonder if due to the restrictions and guideline that come with SoulShadow series if you where knocked way out of your comfort zone and had to really push your craft to fit the mould.    

This is the second SoulShadow I have read and I don't get the whole Tanis thing. Just reminded me of John Hurt from The StoryTeller and was no need for it that I could see.    

Quoted from tonkatough This is the second SoulShadow I have read and I don't get the whole Tanis thing. Just reminded me of John Hurt from The StoryTeller and was no need for it that I could see.

Tanis is the narrator for the series - like John Hurt was for The StoryTeller.  That's the reason she is there.

First of all Mike I want to say, that often when people have their work out there- no matter how great it is, the critics always find the negative stuff and fill up columns or clips of all the bad stuff. Such as the recent "funny negative" clip posted on Angels and Demons.

And here, it's our business to be negative for the purposeful development of skill through scrutiny. So it's obvious, we get pages and pages of negative critiques on wips, BUT when something really good comes along. It's usually just. That was really good. And then we move on.

I just want to say that this little tale had the perfect execution necessary for what I believe you were trying to accomplish and I could just imagine myself when I was ten years old watching something like this. It obviously has that kind of vibe like I remember with Night Gallery.

To me, what's important in this isn't just what's on the page, but it's what you left off the page. It's the context that you built without littering the script with too much information.

As with the last read I had with Tanis, she is perfect for the role.

The Premise is excellent I think and perfectly marketable and I don't get why it hasn't been picked up yet.

Come on you bozos! PICK THIS UP!!!!

This is a perfect example yes, of recycling tried and true, but it's also a perfect example of solid skill from a man who knows his stuff.

You are to be commended on this Mike. It's the things that often look simple that are the hardest.

I enjoy your work.

Sandra

Glen and Sandra,

Thanks for reading, I'm glad you both enjoyed it.

As far as being outside of my comfort zone, I don't think that was really the case here.  True, I do have a habit and reputation of writing things that are more comedic in nature, but I have a pretty fair number of scripts that fall into the downplayed/subtle horror genre as well.

Getting it picked up?  Hmm, I can't say that I wouldn't love for that to happen, but this is definitely something that would cost quite a bit of money to produce.  I appreciate the mention of Night Gallery, as I've always been a fan of that and shows like it.

Mike,

I listened to the iScript, which I thought was done pretty excellently. So I'm just going to focus on the story here.

What I liked about a lot of the script was the ferris wheel spin (no pun intended) put on things. I thought that was a very insightful and interesting metaphor for life and death and the great journey and what not. I responded to that quite well. There was also a very strange undercurrent of tension in the atmosphere that I can't quite put on my finger on. Maybe it's just because ferris wheels scare the living shit out of me, but there is a foreboding in the script that really made things flow quite well.

Charlie's journey through the script I thought you handled very well also. His getting caught up in this obsession with ferris wheels and having that be his ultimate undoing was quite an ironic twist and I enjoyed that quite a bit. By making it his choice to accept his fate and get on that ride at the end, it makes his ultimate fate all his fault. Certainly a darker turn than I expected, I know I wouldn't like to be stuck in a fucking ferris wheel with my father for all eternity.

Tanis was well-written, I thought the bookending quality worked quite well. Job well done, Bert. This was my first SoulShadows experience and it was a good one. I look forward forward to reading more. All in all, a pretty excellent script, Mike. Funny and haunting and sad and, in its own small, creepy way, a little inspiring. Congrats