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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Ephesian by Mark Lyons - Produced Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Ephesian by Mark Lyons - Produced  (currently 12505 views)
Don
Posted: April 16th, 2013, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Ephesian by Mark Lyons (rc1107) - Short - A mourning father lobbies to visit a gangster on the eve of his execution. 16 pages - pdf, format

Watch The Ephesian by Mark Lyons on Amazon Prime!

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Don  -  June 18th, 2018, 1:26pm
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CrusaderVoice
Posted: April 16th, 2013, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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There is a lot of think about with this on a lot of levels. On the surface, there's quite a bit, but beyond that...there's more and hopefully future audiences grasp the full the impact.

Even the title has meanings at multiple levels considering you start with the verse, the fact that the book Ephesians was written from prison and the book itself is feel-good, up-beat letter.

A few things I picked up on during the read:

Seeing (or for the audience hearing) the acronym NCADP for the first time made me pause. You give us what it stands for shortly thereafter, but I wonder if it's best to loosely name the group ("the anti-death penalty group") would work better. You name them specifically pretty quick so it may not be that big of a deal.

Speaking of that, when you actually say the name of the group, you point out that they are an anti-death penalty group. That seemed redundant when it is stated first that their name is the National Coalition Against the Death Penalty.

On pg 5: The Reporter starts talking but it took me a second to figure out he was voicing his story. You may have written this correctly...I don't know. The action line says the camera is being prepped for the shot, but then The Reporter starts voicing his stand-up. I wondered if you needed to add that The Reporter faces the camera, or receives his cue…then dialogue.

A local reporter would not likely include the state name with the town unless the coverage area crosses state lines. Most likely, it would be voiced “An unexpected turn in Lucasville today…”

A good reporter is also not going to want to sound like they wait for statements from officials. “No one from the press has been told…” is going to get The Reporter yelled at by his news director later that night.

“Authorities aren’t saying why he’s been allowed access to the prison before anyone else…” is better and makes him sound like he’s on top of the situation. Then again, your reporter is young and may be inexperienced to make such mistakes…but that may not be your intention and would get in the way of this story anyway.

Antwan is clearly a changed man but you are ambiguous about his faith. I think it’s implied but there’s a line about he’s not sure about what happens after death and how he’ll be judged...granted, nobody REALLY knows 100%, but I think if he’s a convert, he’s not going to be as uncertain.

At the beginning of the script, you only give part of the verse, which is actually only part of a sentence. For those that don’t know it and won’t look it up, the full context of the verse says that “when we were dead in our transgressions, it is by grace we are saved.” A sentence or two later, the point is made that the grace is granted by God and is not something we earn, not something we can work toward and not something we even deserve. It is a gift.

That provides some impact and punch for the ending…if we’re certain of Antwan.  
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rc1107
Posted: April 17th, 2013, 5:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ed.

Thanks for having a read at this.

I agree about the many different levels the story works on.  I was trying very hard not too bash anybody over the head with the message of the story, and which side is right and which side is wrong.

Ultimately, I wanted the message to have a feeling of unity, much like the book of Ephesians itself.  (Although Ephesians has to do with the unity of Church, I wanted to get the feeling across of just unity in general.  How we can all have so different thoughts, but that we should see those thoughts from both sides of the fence, (or all sides of the fence.  I'm a big believer that all issues might have 5 answers, not just right or wrong), and make our decisions from all perspectives, rather than just blind impulsiveness.)


You're right about the mistakes the reporter makes.  I think I unintentionally made him a little wet behind the ears because of my own ignorance in journalism.  Or, maybe it's because our journalism isn't very strong in the area in the first place and I'm just going off how I hear the news.  I like your idea of 'Authorities aren't saying why he's been allowed...' a lot better and I'll definitely go back and work that around somehow.

I see what you mean about Antwan being ambiguous about his faith, (and also my condensed quote of the verses).  I think that stems back again to me not wanting to slam anybody over the head with the message.  I think if Antwan was a born-again Christian or something, that not many people will relate to the message of the story because the characters'll start to sound too preachy.

It was definitely a tough story to write, and I'm thinking the story's coming off more convuluted than I had hoped.  I wanted to get my own thoughts and perspectives in there, but I still wanted to be open to the idea that sometimes, there just might not be any right or wrong answer to some of our most controversial topics.  Or, the possibility that there might be more answers than just right or wrong.

Nevertheless, thank you very much for taking a look at this one, Ed.  And thanks for the great notes, too.  Again, I'm glad you came to the site.

- Mark


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CrusaderVoice
Posted: April 17th, 2013, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think this is convuluted at all. I think people will view this at a lot of different levels, especially if filmed. People will see the story on the surface, and that's fine. It's compelling enough. Others will pick up on the full context of the Ephesians quote and have the Book itself in perspective and provides additional impact.

In terms of the issue itself, I think it was interesting that you painted a little bit of an idealistic picture of people coming together...but it quickly had a contrast with what I thought was a realistic conclusion. I think your take on this is right...and I think you portrayed your sentiments the right way.

Out of curiosity, I had to look up to see if Ohio was one of those states where the death penalty is a "fake" law...it's on the books but never used even if someone receives the sentence. I was surprised to find that it is very not-fake there..and was in use very recently.

I have learned a lot and it's been fun to interact on this site. I still don't know much about anything regarding this craft (however, there was a brief time in my life when a news director would yell at me).
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rc1107
Posted: April 18th, 2013, 6:41am Report to Moderator
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Oh yes.  It's employed quite regularly, actually, although I've noticed Governor Kasich is a lot more prone to clemency than the former two governors were.  They were strappin' 'em in 10 people a year there for a while.

While I was writing this, all the controversy was going on if Ronald Post was too heavy to be executed or not.  (That's why I felt the urge to put in prisoners not getting to choose their last meals anymore, even though that's Texas law now and not Ohio.)  Ronald Post was commuted to life without parole, but more because he had poor legal counsel rather than his weight.


Quoted from Ed
I still don't know much about anything regarding this craft


Sure you do.  It's all about finding your own personal way to tell the strongest story possible.  (And you don't always have to be politically correct and your director won't yell at you for making your personal opinions known.  :-)


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spesh2k
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Hey Mark,

I gave this one a look and really admired it. I was surprised actually by how thought provoking your story was and especially by how complex the characters are, which is hard to do when writing a short script (at least for me it is).

The writing was good. You did well transitioning from scene to scene and everything kept the story in motion. It does kind of border Frank Capra territory with the ending a bit, but it felt honest and genuine. Though the story ends on a tragic note, there is a sense of togetherness doesn't make it to much of a downer.

Nothing felt forced. And the script relies a lot on dialogue, but none of it seemed over expository. You do a good job balancing dialogue and imagery.

The opening was quite powerful, though the image of a dead baby is a bit disturbing to picture.

The thing I most admire about this story is that nothing is in black and white. It does sway more towards anti-death penalty, but you don't smash the audience over the face with the moral of the story. And the characters were all complex, even the governor. Though Latessa wants to depict Antwan as a straight up villain to the public, there is a brief moment where he's sitting behind his desk, right before the lethal injection, and I believe he's looking at the phone, perhaps suggesting he gave the idea of calling it off some thought (BTW I kept thinking Latessa was a female, but realized that was his last name. No big deal really). You do a fantastic job of humanizing everybody, especially Antwan, but without making him a martyr or too much of a tragic figure. Everything he's done since being sentenced, he's done the right way. And not for the purpose of having the death penalty appealed. But to cleanse his soul in a way.

I didn't really have any issues with the story at all other than not understanding the title. I'm sure it means something, hell, I'll probably look it up on google. Which says a lot because I cared enough about the story to want to go on google and figure out the title. Nicely done overall.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
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Colkurtz8
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Mark

I always look forward to reading something of yours.

Fairly random title you got there, I had to look it up. Not a criticism by any means, just an observation.

Was the slow motion intro inspired by Lars Von Trier’s “Antichrist” by any chance?

Did you watch Werner Herzog’s “Into the Abyss”? Or perhaps Michael watched it…

BAYER
This second visit will
be heavily supervised in the room
we had just walked from.

- Shouldn’t it be “have” instead of “had”?

I like how you are using the media crew as a device to tell us about the process of an execution. A brief insight into the various details/measures/preparations that many of us may not be privy to. It creates a subtle build up of tension as you go through each room, simultaneously putting us in Antwan’s and Michael shoes and their perspective of the event from either side of the glass, resulting in a more immersive and anticipatory connection to the piece, documentary-like.

Did you do much research for this?

I never knew capital punishment was legal in Ohio, just checked it out now.

Sh?t!, I definitely didn’t know it was legal in the majority of American states, and by a considerable margin too.

REPORTER
There have been some hints, Mr.
Bayer, that the execution may be
stayed for one reason or another.
Exactly how much of that is truth
and how much of that is the NCADP's
spin?

- Not sure what you mean here. I’m specifically thrown by the “may be stayed for one reason” part. A typo perhaps?

MICHAEL
Antwan's been sending me letters
for a very long time, since just
after his sentencing.

MICHAEL
He said he wanted to send them
during the trial, but he didn't
want me to think he was just saying

- This can be written as one block of dialogue with ellipses or (beat) if you want to signify a pause.

“Jeremy's mother on the Justice for All side.”

- I thought “Jeremy’s mother” would at least warrant a name.

GUARD
We don't do that anymore. It's a
liability. You choose something
that slows your blood down, it'll
slow the drugs down. We don't want
to burn your insides.

- Wow, is this true?

ANTWAN
Either this wallpaper goes... Or I
do.

- Yes! It needed to be good final utterance and it delivered! A great way to alleviate the otherwise heavy, weighing tension.

Overall, well told story, Mark.

You tell it in a very straightforward manner, working off the logline there are no real twists or unexpected turns, and that’s cool, I don’t see that as a bad thing at all, given the subject of the piece.

It’s apparent you have convictions, certain beliefs and opinions which manifest themselves in your work. No one can accuse you of not taking sides or ambiguity here, I suspect that this is how you feel towards such a situation and this is merely you documenting it in a dramatic form.

Michael feels like your conduit, this is how you would react, this is how you would view the bigger picture. Forgive me, for working off the presumption that it’s not based on personal experience although it feels like that, therein lies the real merit of the script for me, its unashamed point of view, explicitly and compassionately conveyed.

The theme of redemption, guilt and above all hope for humanity no matter how defiled one has becomes permeates your work in a number of scripts and this is no exception. Despite the bleak, dehumanising context of the story it’s in fact a deceptively upbeat and life affirming read, the message is there and that message is love and compassion.

More importantly, in regards your skill as a writer it pulls this off without being overly sentimental or manipulative, again, it feels personalised and exceptionally genuine.

If one (e.g. me) was to look at the bare bone of the story; father of victim visits perpetrator on death row the day of his execution, my alarm bells would be firing off big time, approaching with the same level of caution Jeremy Renner did many times in “The Hurt Locker”, except in my case, wary of the all too numerous pitfalls of mawkishness, melodrama and most sinfully, disingenuous characterisation in order to punch up the tension. Thankfully with you, as I anticipated, we got real, thoughtful characters talking in a real and thoughtful way.

Some might say it lacks said tension or or a twist or whatever, I don’t think that’s what the script is attempting to achieve, it’s more a cautionary tale or sorts, telling us to not be consumed by grief and vengeance, to not let it swallow you up and become all you are.

Of course this is easy for me to say, to sympathise with Michael’s (i.e. your) mindset when I have thanfully never encountered such a situation, we can't possibly know how we would react or what sort of person we’d become but most of us would like to believe we could exhibit Michael’s strength.

Anyway, enough waffling, I appreciate what you attempted here, apologies if I’m way off the mark with my interpretations.

Col.


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rc1107
Posted: April 19th, 2013, 8:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey spesh.  (I believe your name is Michael.)

Kind of a coincidence.  I came across your short 'Two Wrongs' yesterday on the portal and the logline grabbed me, so I had it queued up later on today for me to read.

First of all, thanks for taking a read and thanks also for all the compliments.


Quoted from spesh
It does kind of border Frank Capra territory with the ending a bit, but it felt honest and genuine.


I'm actually a huge Frank Capra fan.  ('Meet John Doe' is my favorite.)  I'm actually surprised to hear that, because he was the last thing I had on my mind while writing this.

But I think I get what you're saying here.  It's kind of an obliged ending.  There's no other way this story could have ended.  Any twists or surprises or gimmicks would have cheapened what was supposed to be a real-life story.

I'm glad you were able to see it for what it was and I'm happy it turned out genuine.


Quoted from spesh
(BTW I kept thinking Latessa was a female, but realized that was his last name. No big deal really)


Ahh.  The -tessa ending does sound feminine, doesn't it?  I came up with the name the same way I come up with most character names.  (Take a walk through the oldest part of the cemetery and jot down old names on headstones that stick out at me.)  This one is kind of a tribute, also, though.  After seeing the name on the gravemarker, I remembered going to school with somebody whose last name was Latessa and I remember him being very Republican.  It just kind of seemed to fit perfectly.


Quoted from smesh
The thing I most admire about this story is that nothing is in black and white. It does sway more towards anti-death penalty, but you don't smash the audience over the face with the moral of the story.


Thank you very much Michael.  This is exactly how I wanted the story to come across.


Quoted from spesh
I didn't really have any issues with the story at all other than not understanding the title. I'm sure it means something


Yeah, I kind of wanted to be a little subtle with the title and didn't reference anything in the story.  (I didn't want to come off like a Bible-thumper.)  I was raised Catholic, but I took Bible studies more from a literary viewpoint rather than something to base my faith on.  I've viewed the books and stories in the Bible more as a positive life-lesson more than anything.

The Book of Ephesians are letters written by Paul, from prison, to the Ephesians.  While the letters are more about bringing unity within the church, I always viewed it as unity of people in general.  To bring different opinions together and respect them all from a non-critical point of view.

While anti-death penalty seems the right answer how I see it, I still see where pro-death penalty people are coming from.  The secret, I think, is how the offender learns from his horrible mistake, and if he spends the rest of his time trying to make better the quality of life, then maybe we'll be losing something if we take his life away.  (Otherwise, what's the point on keeping him alive for 15-20 years if the states just going to kill him anyway?)

I don't think murderers should get a second chance at freedom.  But I think they deserve another chance to better the quality of life, whether it be through writing or even 'scared straight' programs.


Nonetheless, I appreciate the read, Michael, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'll be checking out 'Two Wrongs' a little bit later on today.

- Mark


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M.Alexander
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Quoted from Colkurtz8
The theme of redemption, guilt and above all hope for humanity no matter how defiled one has becomes permeates your work in a number of scripts and this is no exception. Despite the bleak, dehumanising context of the story it’s in fact a deceptively upbeat and life affirming read, the message is there and that message is love and compassion.

More importantly, in regards your skill as a writer it pulls this off without being overly sentimental or manipulative, again, it feels personalised and exceptionally genuine.


Exactly.

But, with that said, this story didn't do much for me.  Too chatty and not enough payoff, IMO.   If I wrote it I would've had Michael help Antwan escape from the prison.    But then it'd be a whole nother story.   In any event this was a noble effort.  Good job.
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rc1107
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Hey Col.

As always, I appreciate the read a ton.


Quoted from Col
Fairly random title you got there, I had to look it up. Not a criticism by any means, just an observation.


The Book of Ephesians are letters (supposedly) written by Paul, from prison, to the Ephesians.  (I say supposedly because there are substantial claims that they may have been written by a later author heavily influenced by Paul.)  While the letters are more about bringing unity within the church, I always viewed it as unity of people in general.  To bring different opinions together and respect them all from a non-critical point of view.

I tried to keep the title subtle, or ambiguous, throughout the story, so it didn't come off as too preachy.


I've been looking for 'Anti-Christ' for over a year now, and I just can't find it.  I'm a big Lars von Trier fan, based off 'Dogville', and his documentary, but I can't wait until I see 'Anti-Christ'.

I've never seen 'Into the Abyss' either.  I got me some internet searching to do later on tonight!



Quoted from Col
I like how you are using the media crew as a device to tell us about the process of an execution. A brief insight into the various details/measures/preparations that many of us may not be privy to. It creates a subtle build up of tension as you go through each room, simultaneously putting us in Antwan’s and Michael shoes and their perspective of the event from either side of the glass, resulting in a more immersive and anticipatory connection to the piece, documentary-like.

Did you do much research for this?


A ton.  A lot of it was mainly just me being interested in the subject, spurred on by the movie 'The Life of David Gale' with Kevin Spacey.

I did take some literary license here and there, though.  In Ohio, executions are performed at ten in the morning, but I liked the late-night vigil better, so I changed it to the more normal 12:01 am time.  Also, death row inmates are housed at the Chillicothe prison site.  But that was kind of a mouthful and 'State Pen' seemed to work a little better.

The warden's tour of the facility was based on an actual video tour of the facility I found online years ago.  I had to do a lot of it from memory when I was writing, though, because now when I go back to the site, the plug-in on my computer doesn't play the video.


Quoted from Col
- Not sure what you mean here. I’m specifically thrown by the “may be stayed for one reason” part. A typo perhaps?


It's legal jargon.  A stay of execution is an order that the sentence may need to be put on hold until further review.  While writing this, it was ruled that a current death row inmate days away from execution had a faulty legal team representing him, so they stayed his execution, and his sentence was commuted to life in prison instead.


Regarding last meals:

:-)  More literary license.  Ohio still does give last meal requests.  (Last I checked.)  That same prisoner I just said got his execution stayed, also filed that he was too fat to be executed and they wouldn't be able to properly inject him.  Thought I'd try to work that in somehow.

Texas does not take requests for last meals anymore, however.


Quoted from Col
Michael feels like your conduit, this is how you would react, this is how you would view the bigger picture. Forgive me, for working off the presumption that it’s not based on personal experience although it feels like that, therein lies the real merit of the script for me, its unashamed point of view, explicitly and compassionately conveyed.


You presumed right for the most part.  I think right now my convictions are much like Michael's.

However, I can't say that for certain, because like you said, we have to ACTUALLY be put in that position to know EXACTLY how we'll react.

If I really put myself into that position, I probably would have pulled the trigger on Antwan just out of pure hatred.  In fact, I probably would have resorted to one of my past torture porn exploitation stories and figure out which killing I can pull off on him.  :-)

I don't know.  That's why it's so hard and that's why, though I believe any killing should not be performed by anybody, I can't hold anything against people who say that the death penalty is just.

Like abortion, I think it'll be a controversy that will forever be split down the middle.  There'll never be a right or wrong side.


I appreciate your remarks about the themes of guilt, redemption, and hope, and I'm so glad to hear that you can see them in my stories.  That means a lot.  :-)  I think I might be on the right track with this whole 'writing' thing.

I also agree that the ending does lack a punch, because it is very straight forward, but I didn't want to lose any of the sentimental value built up by resorting to parlor tricks.


Thanks again for the read, Col.  You know I'm always on the lookout for your stuff.

- Mark


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rc1107
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Hey Michael.  (Alexander.)  (A lot of Michael's talked about on this thread so far.  :-)

Thanks for reading.


Quoted from Michael
But, with that said, this story didn't do much for me.  Too chatty and not enough payoff, IMO.   If I wrote it I would've had Michael help Antwan escape from the prison.    But then it'd be a whole nother story.   In any event this was a noble effort.  Good job.


I know exactly where you're coming from, and that's why it took me so long to post this one up on the boards.

I thought and though and thought on it, and there was nothing I could come up with that wouldn't take away from the real-life atmosphere I feel this had working for it.  I didn't want to destroy that at all.

Finally, I decided to just put it out there and, hopefully, at least somebody'll get something out of the story.  I know I did writing it.

I do have some ideas that will work throughout the beginning and the middle of the story for a feature, but I just don't see this one ending any differently than it does now.  Or nothing to add that won't ruin it and become just another prison film.

Thanks again for the time, Michael.

- Mark


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spesh2k
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No problem Mark, it was a good read, sort of reminded me of that Clint Eastwood movie with Isaiah Washington at the end, except with a complete opposite of an ending (I forget what the movie is called off the top of my head).

And I like Frank Capra too (in moderation), I didn't mean it as a negative, but you get what I'm saying.

Like I said, I had no issues. I'd figure some readers may think its too chatty, and if I wanted to nitpick, I suppose I could suggest possibly cutting out the tour part and saving that for a feature length version because it does take up about three pages (I believe it does), but I liked the tour. It's done in such a matter-of-fact way, it really gives the reader that feeling of a cold, impersonal setting, the impending fate of a man, whether evil or not.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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jwent6688
Posted: April 20th, 2013, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Mark,

Good clean writing as always. This isn't a fave for me of your work. I guess it was just a tad too over dramatic? I loved the use of real places and your in depth of scope into something like this. I haven't read through all of the comments, so forgive.

I'm guessing you read a story somewhere that maybe inspired this? I understand you're trying to bring about debate to capital punishment. I will state, I'm all for it. Just as a chicken produces bad eggs, so does the human race. I don't think some people can be fixed nor do they deserve to be.But, it is a polarizing topic and I think we're close to split down the middle.

Antwan, on the other hand, seemed to truly be sorry for his crime. I would think this would be a manslaughter charge as he hit the baby on accident, no? Is that punishable by death? I thought only murder in the first got the death penalty.

It is an interesting piece. I found myself looking for something at the end that I would not see. In my devious mind, I would've still had Antwan die, but maybe he got to eat whatever he wanted the night before and purposely requested something that would make him Burn Inside.

Then he has a violent fit on the gurney in front of the spectators. Much like watching a guy in the Green Mile get executed without a wet sponge.

You just need a twist like that, IMO. It's a good piece, no doubt, just lacking that driving nail for me.

James


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Carefully written, well conceived. I'll take a closer look.
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Quoted from Forgive
Carefully written, well conceived. I'll take a closer look.


It's only 16 pages, take a closer look now or shut up. Sorry Mark, this guy pissed me off tonight and thinks his opinion is gold.

James



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Forgive
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
It's only 16 pages, take a closer look now or shut up. Sorry Mark, this guy pissed me off tonight and thinks his opinion is gold.

James



If I irritated you on a thread you should keep it to that thread instead of dumping it on another thread.

I only irritated you because you made a dumb comment and I commented on that. Here you've made a dumber comment. I'll take a look in my own time, not on your command.

And BTW, I don't consider my opinion to be gold, but I do consider yours to be horsesh1t.
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rc1107
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey James.

I was worried about coming off as overly dramatic, as it is a super-heavy piece.  But, at least I didn't hear melodramatic, which I think I'd cringe if I ever heard anybody say that about my writing.  (Not that it isn't.)

Hmm.  Honestly, I was so caught up in the theme of the story, I never really paid attention to the charge Antwan would actually get, whether it would be manslaughter or murder in the first.  I just assumed because it was the death of a baby, they would automatically go for the toughest sentence.  I'll have to check into that.  I suppose you'd be right, though.

You always got to go snooping around looking for plotholes, don't you?  :-)

I didn't want to turn around and make this one of my regular 'gross' pieces, hence nothing except just mentioning burning insides.  For once, I wanted to tell a straight up story with no spectacular gore.

Actually, you made a similar comment on one of my older scripts a while ago, and I did take your advice and I think it helped the story immensely.  I'll PM you about it later on during the week.

Anyhow, thanks for checking this out, James.  You got anything cooking besides the anticipation of 'So Dark'?

- Mark


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rc1107
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Hey Simon.


Quoted from Simon
Carefully written, well conceived. I'll take a closer look.


Thanks for the nod.  Can't wait to hear your in depth thoughts, whenever you got the time.

I know I've asked before, but you might not have seen the reply because I forgot what thread it was even on.  Do you have any work posted on the site I could check out?  I don't even know you're whole name to do any searches.

Let me know and I'll check something out.

- Mark


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M.Alexander
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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Is this the same Simon?

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1366455635/

If so, the script looks good, but you gotta do something about that logline.
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Forgive
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark. I've nothing recent - but on the home page if you put my board name in and do the 'Simply Scripts' search you'll find a couple thing I posted a while back.
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Forgive
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Hey Mark. Gave this a read tonight. I can see what CV means when he says its full of different levels. The problems with exploring something that has been put in a nutshell is that you end up with something that's bigger that the nutshell - pointless.

The way I'm looking at it - the prison - the institution - is representative of the world, and unable to forgive. Even though those within the institution had to question this - (Latessa ... rubs a temple).

The two guys - Michael and Antwan find grace (the principle behind the Ephesians passage) and good comes of it, but the institution can't, or doesn't have a way to, deal with it.

I got the feeling that both Antwan and Michael find some kind of faith - Michael makes a ready reference, and also says that he threw away the early letters, so both these guys have changed - and they meet in the middle of an institution that doesn't, or won't or can't.

Tiny tiny beef on page 11:
After a moment, Antwan's mother accepts it, and Michael sits
down with the Ellis family.

This kind of rolled into one, and at the time if really felt like a key moment, so it it had been written along the lines of 'a moment of recognition. Michael moves forward, and sits ...' just so that it's deliberated on a little bit more - it's just that he's making this very public statement at this stage, and it underlines what the whole undertone of the script is about.

Got to be honest with you here, this is a challenge you've set yourself with all the implications, subtexts and so on. I don't know if this is a first write or a fifth, but some diamonds are well worth cutting right.

Some of the dialogue here and there was a bit wordy, but not a major issue, and I wondered if the reporter would be a bit more inquisitive when he first goes in with Bayer?

Aside from that, this really works - I was left with more questions than answers, and in this context, I think that is what you want.
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CM
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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Great script.  Really enjoyed the media's point of view in the beginning.  Establishes a greater objectivity to the story.  

I also liked the pacing, for the most part.  The beginning is strong.  I flew through the first 8 pages.

The only critiques I had is that it's a bit wordy.  Sometimes less is more, ya know?  The characters seem to say TOO much.  It feels like competing monologues at times, which can get boring and take away from what they're saying.  Show it don't say it.  They're a lot of great moments in your dialogue that I think can be played out better and hit harder with the audience.  

Also, I would say cut the scene where he get's his last meal.  Though a good scene, great lines, it seems misplaced and disrupts the pace and tone.  It doesn't need it.  

Overall, I enjoyed it, but was left waiting for something more to happen.  Something else to stir the pot, but perhaps that would only work within a feature length.

Good stuff.
-C
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 22nd, 2013, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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I quite liked this, a sad tale. Murder is murder... no matter who is doing it.

A few errors dotted about here and there that I'm sure others will have pointed out already. I would have liked a happier ending, I think.

I think this has been well researched, either that or you've been close to an event like this. Either way, I believed it and I'm a stickler for getting the details right. It certainly matters, and none more so than with this piece. It makes the piece work a whole lot better than had you been simply been guessing at security measures, etc.

I'm sure if you went through on another draft you would find the errors and make this run a lot crisper. It's selling point is the research. I also like Michael's struggle. He is told to spare his life just so that the state can get revenge. It just isn't right, isn't real justice. This could be a feature.. although to work it would be best based on a true story.

Nice work, over all.
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rc1107
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 7:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey Simon.

I understand what you're saying about the nutshell.  There's a lot more to the story that I tried to contain.

This is, for all intent purposes, a second draft.  (Technically, still the first, because the only thing I really changed was I took out a couple extra-curricular scenes that didn't move the story along.  Just banter.)

But I do have a couple ideas on how to expand it into a feature if that time ever comes, so I'll have to wait and see what happens.

You're more than most likely write about the reporter.  I'm a bit green on the subject of journalism, and I've been nailed on not portraying his part correctly before, so I'll be working on him when the rewrite time comes around.

I'm glad it worked for the most part, though.  I wasn't really trying to sway anybody one way or the other on this issue, so I did just write it as a portrayal of what really happens, without any questions being answered.

(I was playing with the idea of stopping the story right before the warden's speech, so we never find out if the execution is stayed or not, but it just didn't seem right to me for some reason.)

Anyway, thanks for the read Simon.  I'll be checking out the story you pointed me to as quick as I can.

- Mark


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rc1107
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Hey Cody.

Once again, welcome to the site.

Thanks for the compliments and your thoughts on the story.

Yeah, I've been busted on the dialogues in this coming off as monologues and believe it or not, they have already been cut down some.  Any future versions I do of this I'll take the knife to them again.

You're right about the last meal scene.  It was just a last minute throw-in to up the page count for a competition.  (The competition had to be a minimum 15 pages.)

I do enjoy it a lot, but you may be right.  Sometimes we just have to kill our babies.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, Cody.  I do have a couple ideas to turn this into a feature, but that's on the way way backburner for now.  Maybe someday, though.

I hope to see you again on the site.

- Mark


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rc1107
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Hey Dustin.

Thanks for the read.  I'm glad you liked it.

ERRORS!?  You're kidding me!  Shit, you got the OCD part of me coming out.  Now I have to go back today and see what I did wrong.  :-)

RE:  A happier ending.    -    I actually thought about all three ways I could've ended this.  The one where he gets the stay.  One where we cut before the warden's announcement, so we don't know what happened, and one where he gets the juice.  (I know it's not electricitly anymore, but wouldn't the liquid drugs still be considered a type of juice?)

To me, him getting executed in the end was the most realistic ending, so that's why I chose that.

I've never been close to a situation like this, (hopefully I never will.)  But I do know what it's like to feel guilty about something and want to change because of it.  (It's not even close to murder, though.  :-)

But I also did a lot of research on the subject, though, so I'm glad to see that that paid off and I'm not coming off like a fish out of water.

And for the feature, this would work better as a true story.  It would give it a little more cred.  Fornutately, or maybe unfortunately, that's not the case.

Thanks for the compliments and the read, Dustin.

Now I'm going back to look for the damn mistakes.  :-)

- Mark


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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry man... I shouldn't really use throw away comments like that. It just means it isn't anything to worry about and the story is perfectly clear no matter what. Certainly nothing to take me out of the read anyway.

I could see this being made as a moral piece by some students. Hopefully this bump helps it along the way. Good luck.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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Mark

Had a look and made sure I didn't read other comments first, so apologies for repeating etc

Title - no idea what this means lets see if it becomes clear
Another over black super to start - I seem to have read a few of these recently. Tend to be the type of scripts with a "message"
Interesting how you describe the chapters after first intro - quite like that where the initial scene is dynamic
Dead child on the first page - you haven't gone down the comedy route have you!! How do we knows its His child from a child?
Filter ? Must check this out - form of VO I assume
P7 two Michael's dialogues in a row - no break
P11 is there a need for the fade to?

Ok finished.

Well there was a message all right. I liked the way Michael chose to sit with the other camp, it just goes to show that actions speak louder than words. What I felt was missing was a degree of the backstory, the family situation. The first time we see the family, which weren't CAPED, is outside the prison.

The dialogue between the two lead characters seemed a tad on the nose. A bit of a love in. It appears this is the first time they have spoken, and the first time Michael has admitted he has read them etc. I felt it needed a degree of thawing, with a reveal. Maybe remove the section about the child's name being removed and go straight to the meeting?

I think this could also be shortened quite a bit. It feels like a 10 pager. One page to set up, nine to explore and reveal. I would have him walk out of the prison, then cut to the warden emerging only to see Michael in the other camp, quick flashback explanation, a stuttered confirmation of the death, maybe as a VO to the flashback to contrast the words and deeds.

However, once again you have taken on a biggie and given it a go.

Cheers

Bill


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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dogglebe
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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I'm going to disagree with some of the comments, here.  This scrtipt could be cut to a third of what it is.  It's about Antwan and Michael.  It's not about the press or how the prison prepares for an execution or the protesters outside the prison.  You might as well have included a weather report and the latest sports scores.

The story should've started with Michael sitting in front of Antwan and finished with him leaving.


Phil



PS:  Was Antwan's initials intentional?  As a symbol of hios animalistic behavior?
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danbotha
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

I haven't read all the comments, so I apologize if I repeat what has already been covered by other readers. As always, you have delivered a screenplay that is brilliant in terms of story, writing and dialogue. You never seem to disappoint with your writing.

Funny enough, I wrote a short script similar to this one. I haven't submitted it yet, because I tossed it towards Mohammad who found a bunch of problems and issues with it. I'm still brainstorming how to hit the script from a different angle and deliver the goods. I appreciate concepts like this. You have an awesome way of portraying important themes relevant to us, no matter what the time-frame the story is set in. Good job.

If I had any problems with this, it would be the crying goes a little overboard for me. I know I can't say much as I fall victim to this often, myself, but it did feel like a little too much. Not melodramatic by any means, but maybe a little overdone.

Otherwise, it's a decent little script that delivers the goods.

Sorry I couldn't offer more.

Dan


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rc1107
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Quoted from Bill (reef dreamer)
Another over black super to start - I seem to have read a few of these recently.


Yeah, I'm a huge fan of those for some reason.  I think it goes all the way back to my Stephen King-reading days, where he usually quoted an old passage from literature, and then a 1970's rock lyric.  I guess it kind of sets the tone for what's to come, whether in the movie, or in a book.


Quoted from Bill
you haven't gone down the comedy route have you!!


:-)  Not in my writing, no.  In real life, I'm probably the biggest goofball you'll ever meet.  (Not saying that I'm funny or humorous.  I'm just literally a happy-go-lucky goofball.)  But my subjects and themes in my stories I take seriously.


Quoted from Bill
Filter ? Must check this out - form of VO I assume


Hmm.  Surprised you never heard of it.  Yeah, it's technically a form of voiceover.  I consider (V.O.) to be more of a narrator speaking.  Something beyond the story giving us information.  I use (filter) whenever there's a voice from an electronic device, such as a telephone or television or an answering machine or, in this case, a walkie-talkie.


I agree what you're saying about the degree of the backstory.  There's a lot I want to show with this one, but wanted to contain it all in a short.  I think Simon was right when he mentioned some stories don't come off the way they're supposed to when they're put in a nutshell.

But I also understand what you're saying about this feels like a ten-pager.  It started out as an 8-pager, actually, but I added and added and added for a certain contest, which had to have a minimum page count.  After the contest was cancelled, I deleted and deleted and deleted, but still ended up with the 15 pages that I think should be there to tell the story as it is now, and hopefully still drum up interest for the feature I ultimately plan on making it.  (A couple years down the road, of course.)


Thank you very much for your thoughts, Bill, and thank you also for taking the read.  I know I've read a lot of your stuff, but Twinkle, Twinkle doesn't sound too familiar.  I'll take a look at it.

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Phil.

I'm all caught up on reading some screenplays off the site for people, and I'm going to be getting to 'The Devil's Jokebook' very soon.


Quoted from Phil
You might as well have included a weather report and the latest sports scores.


I'm not going to do the director's job, too.  :-)

I see what you're saying there, though.  I think I just had the bigger picture (and a lot more of the story that I never got to) more in my head, though.


Quoted from Phil
Was Antwan's initials intentional?  As a symbol of his animalistic behavior?


Ha.  APE.  I didn't notice that before.  :-)  Not done on purpose, just a random coincidence.

Antwan was actually the name of the guy who shot up my dad's bar back in the 90's.  (Crippled the bartender and killed my guitar instructor.)

Paul  -  Because the letter of Paul to the Ephesians.

Ellis  -  Was watching basketball one of the nights I was working on this and I happened to notice Monta Ellis' stat line.  The name popped out at me.

Thanks for the read Phil and you're thoughts.  I'll be getting to 'The Devil's Jokebook' shortly.

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan.

Flattery will get you everywhere.  :-)

Seriously, though, thank you very much for the compliments.  Send on over the script you're working on if you'd like some eyes on it.  I'll be more than happy to take a look at it and see how far you've come since the last one of yours I read.  (And that one was very good if I remember correctly.)


Quoted from Dan
If I had any problems with this, it would be the crying goes a little overboard for me. I know I can't say much as I fall victim to this often, myself, but it did feel like a little too much. Not melodramatic by any means, but maybe a little overdone.


I know what you're saying here, and I do agree.  But, in my defense, Antwan's part was specifically tailored for a director's brother, who I think is going to be a very talented actor one day.  (The director is filming one of my shorts now.  I saw his brother's performance in something else and he could pull off real crying like it's nothing.  If you'd like me to shoot over a couple of his scenes, let me know.)  That's why I wasn't afraid to go overboard with the crying.  It's amazing how easy writing is when you know other pieces of the production are already in place.

Of course, this story will go very much over their budget, so reworking that scene will be beneficial spec-wise.

Thank you again for the read, Dan, and also for the kind compliments.  Can't wait to see something new from you.

- Mark


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CrusaderVoice
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I have to say...Monta Ellis shoots so much that you couldn't help but to have heard his name over and over again on any given broadcast.

That had to have been like some sort of subliminal message.

Also, the letter "D" does not appear in that character's name..."D" is also lacking in the game of Monta Ellis.
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khamanna
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Hi, Mark.

So I read the script - been planning to ever since I saw it here on boards.

On the first page - I think we don't need to see the baby Couldn't understand why he was lying on the street. And, I don't understand why Antwan did it. I think it would be good to see why, to hear him say something maybe.
Slow motion makes it overdramatic for me. I wish it's not there. Then there's a scene showing Bayer and Latessa. I wonder if you could cut it to bare minimum. See, at this point I don't understand what's going on, so I'm just reading something and not going into it--
up until the third page.
where you state that Antwan is about to be given death penalty. And then we see that Michael doesn't want it. That's when you pull me in - but way late for a 16 pager.

As soon as I knew that - it went very fast. Although the ending felt overdramatic. I wish it ended earlier - somewhere around Antwan getting inside the camera and Michael consoling his mother. I don't think we need to actually see him die.

Also, you could work on some of the dialog, I think. Or maybe what I say next will sound silly))

Like, on top of P 3 you have:
This visit will take place tonight. A second minimal-contact only visit will be allowed to the guilty tomorrow morning, the day of the execution. This second visit.." You use the word visit three times. I'd avoid that.

p3 I don't understand what Bayer wants to say here:
Members of the guilty's family will also be allowed to view the execuion from here, thought no one has come forward from that party". - no one wanted to see the execution? But Antwan's mom was there later.

And then again, I don't know if we need to hear all this stuff about the rooms. But your call really, I just want to get to the meat here. See if I"m not alone on this.

p4 Don't understand reporters question "the execution may be stayed for one reason or another"

It was interesting to see the coalitions fighting for or against death penalty and hear the concrete story and how these two (Michael and Antwan) came together to resent it. I really liked that Michael asks his sons name, Jeremy, erased from the case. Nice short overall.



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bert
Posted: April 26th, 2013, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Mark.  Hope you are feeling better.  You have already received copious notes that I have not read, so I am just checking in to let you know I have looked and to drop a few thoughts of my own.

It seems to be well-received, and to me that seems justified.  It is a good piece.

I like the opening, but you describe a whole lot of action to sit through in slow motion.  I would keep it as-is, but lose the slo-mo aspect.  If you are going to specify that, it should have a crystal clear purpose to be there, and I do not see it.

And then I just read it through, with no real comments until the end.  I see what you are doing and have no problems with the way you are doing it.  The pace is fine, and Antwan's last words are great -- implying wit and an educated mind beyond the thug he once was.

All of this kind of leads to an anticlimax, however.  I was waiting for a message -- only to find that everything this script had to say was actually delivered several pages ago.

For my money, I would cut out the final scene entirely.  Just lop it right off.  I would end with Antwan's final witticism, then Bayer and Antwan -- their eyes moving from the phone to the clock as it ticks towards midnight.

And the call never arrives.

Everything that occurs after that seems superfluous to me.  My thoughts anyway.

Nice work, though.  Another fine example of your skills.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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rc1107
Posted: April 26th, 2013, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey Khamanna!  Thanks for checking this out.

Actually, Antwan doesn't kill the baby on purpose.  He was shooting at somebody else and Michael happened to walk into the line of fire while pushing his baby in the stroller.  (Antwan references that later on during his and Michael's dialogue before the execution.)

You're right about the repetitive 'visits'.  I never caught that in my reads of it.  Good catch.


Quoted from Khamanna
Members of the guilty's family will also be allowed to view the execuion from here, thought no one has come forward from that party". - no one wanted to see the execution? But Antwan's mom was there later.


If any of Antwan's family wanted to witness the execution, they could've watched from that room.  But nobody wanted to watch him actually die on the gurney.  They instead waited outside with the rest of the media to hear that his death was official, which is where Antwan's mother was.


Quoted from Khamanna
Don't understand reporters question "the execution may be stayed for one reason or another"


It's legal talk.  A stay of execution means that Antwan's execution will either be postponed, or he won't be executed at all and he'll have to serve the rest of his life in prison, but at least he'll be alive.

Thanks again for reading, Khamanna.  And thanks for your thoughts.  I have a lot more thinking to do on this one.

- Mark


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rc1107
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Hey Bert.

Physically, I'm feeling pretty good, despite everything.  I was supposed to be back to work last week, but that didn't work out.  At least I have all this extra writing time, though, which I've been making the best of.

Thank you very much for checking this out.  I was excited when I saw your name on the thread.  (Honestly, I'd rather see it on the Unproduced Scripts page, though.  :-)  I know how short on time real life gets, though.  I appreciate the time you took to read this.)

Regarding the slow motion:  The main reason I made it slow motion was because it happened in the past, I wanted a different feel than the rest of the script.  (It'd probably look a lot better onscreen than in the script, so I know what you mean.)  But also, I didn't want to have to deal with the cops' procedural dialogue, so slow motion was kind of the easy way out without having to deal with that.

Yeah, you're not alone in thinking that the end was anti-climactic.  Your suggestion about ending as the warden and Antwan stare at the clock just might work best.  Then, as it hits midnight, have the warden give the go ahead to the MD to continue, and end it there.

I don't know why it was important for me to want to show Michael ultimately sitting with Antwan's mother.  I guess to show that he knows how much it hurts to lose a son.  It doesn't seem that idea is coming across very well, so I should either cut it or highlight it better.

Once again, your thoughts and time are very much appreciated, Bert.  Again, I'd rather see your name on the Unproduced Script's page, but I'll like seeing it in my threads just the same.

- Mark


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Toby_E
Posted: April 27th, 2013, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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Mark,

I hate reviewing your scripts, because I enjoy them so much and rarely have anything constructive to say, which always makes me feel lazy

I really enjoyed this one.

You constructed genuine, sympathetic, 3-dimensional characters. I know how hard this is to do in a short, due to the constraints of the length of the piece, but you managed it.

The script also packed a real emotional punch, which very few shorts manage to achieve. So big congrats with that.

The only issue I had with this was regarding the first scene. Is it necessary? I don't really feel that it adds anything to the script, as we find out all the information from the flashback during the script.

I didn't understand the title, either. And to be honest, I might not have checked this out, had I not seen that it was written by you.

But minor, easy to correct issues.


Below are a few notes I made whilst reading:

Bottom of page 7- There is an unnecessary dialogue break in Michael’s dialogue?

Page 13- This line read a bit awkward: “Latessa takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and rubs a temple.†I think it’s the “a templeâ€. Might read better if it is “his templeâ€?


But great work, as always man.

And I hope the recovery is going well.

All the best.


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James McClung
Posted: April 27th, 2013, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

I really enjoyed this one, as I have all of your scripts thus far. I feel like all of them have your voice, have been distinct, focused, and intimate, and were written for a reason you feel strongly about. I respect this greatly and try not to miss on opportunity to call out writers I think stand as their own.

From a technical standpoint, I think your writing is strong and you'll find things to improve and tighten up on your own. In terms of the story and, I suppose, the "essence" of your story, I also think it's very accomplished. I think quotes run the risk of coming off as an attempt to make work seem more sophisticated and insightful than it really is but it in this case, it was simple and summed up your story well.

I think what you put out here is very detailed, nuanced, and packs an emotional punch. That said, I think you need to scale it back some. I took it all seriously and don't think you came off as melodramatic or what have you but I think your story may speak louder than you think it does. A lot of the dialogue is more direct and spelled out than it needs to be. I think the characters may be spilling their guts more than people in real life would in similar situations.

We, as an audience, can pick up on a lot of the themes and subtleties going on here. You don't need to put them all out in plain sight. I think if you read back on what you have here, you'll know when to reveal and when to hold back. Your story will benefit from some well placed restraint, for sure.

Hope this helps. Again, I really enjoyed it.

EDIT: Sorry to come off so broad but indeed, I do think my comments apply to all characters and all sides that appear in your story (from Michael and Antwan to their respective families, from anti to pro-death penalty). The only exception I would note would be the media. Obviously, they do have a habit of making a circus out of everything, especially in the U.S.


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rc1107
Posted: April 28th, 2013, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Toby.

Thank you very much for taking a look at this one, and thank you very much also for the compliments.

Regarding the opening scene:  I was out taking a walk and pushing my son in his stroller when I heard gunshots a couple blocks away.  Of course, I let my morbid (and frightened) mind wander a bit and I kind of felt obligated to use that as a starting point of the story.

I agree I probably could cut it out of the short version and it won't lose anything to the story as it is now, but, my ultimate plan is to start a feature and it would start way back at that beginning, and then unfold slower from there.

'The Ephesian' is actually in reference to The Bible.  A letter from Paul to the Ephesians.  Whereas the book of Ephesians is more about the unity of Church, I was hoping this story would be more about the theme of the unity of people as a whole.

Thanks for the notes.  The typos are changed.

Thanks again for the read, Toby.  I really appreciate it.  I had taken notice of 'Searching for Gemma' when I first saw it a bit ago and thought I put it in my queue.  I will be checking it out shortly for ya because it did seem interesting.

-  Mark

P.S.  -  I think the recovery's going well.  I'm not in too much pain at all, actually.  I am kind of itching to get back to work, though.  I'm running short on money.  :-)

Thanks again.


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rc1107
Posted: April 28th, 2013, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James.

And a big thank you to you also for taking a look and the kind words.

I'm glad the quote at the beginning worked for the story.  I don't use those too often to start stories out because of the reason you stated, they try and make the story more reverent than it actually is, but it really seemed to fit here.  I will admit, though, that I do love seeing quotes at the beginning of films and books and, although I'll rarely use them, I am a fan of them.

I understand what you're saying about 'scaling back', and what to scale back on.  While I do try and be subtle about things a lot of the time so it doesn't look like I'm shoving messages down people's throats, I can see the spots you're talking about where I can scale back even more without the message being lost.

Thank you very much again, James, for taking a look for me.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- Mark


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alffy
Posted: April 28th, 2013, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark, I thought I'd read this but then realised I only read the first few pages and meant to come back and finish...damn my 3 second memory!

This has probably been picked up on but Michael has two dialogues in a row at the bottom of page 7.

I'll start by saying this was beautifully written and had a strong message.  The dialogue between Antwan and Michael was good, as was all the characters.  I will say it seemed a tad long for story though.  I won't rabbit on about the 'message' as I'm sure most have already covered this.

Overall I liked the story but I still think it could be trimmed.  Great writing though, Mark.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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rc1107
Posted: April 28th, 2013, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony!

I appreciate the read.

I forget what happened to make Michael have two dialogues in a row.  I think I had an action description between his two lines and deleted it, but forgot to run the dialogue together.  Thanks for the catch.

And I appreciate the compliments, as well.

I agree with you, there's probably a ton more that can be trimmed.  It was originally written for a contest where the script had to be 15-30 pages.  I had to BS a lot to get the page count up there, and when I went back to cut it down, I found out I kind of liked a lot of the BS and was very weary of what to cut and not.

In the future, I'm acually hoping to see if I can BS the story into a 90 page feature.  :-)

Thanks again for the read, Anthony.  I hope everything's been going good with you recently.

- Mark


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alffy
Posted: April 29th, 2013, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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I think you could spin this into a feature.  You've got the characters to build on and already suggested possible storyline's with Michael and Antwan's relationship and also the grieving families.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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CoopBazinga
Posted: May 27th, 2013, 2:42am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

How you going? It's good to see back on the mend after your little accident and I apologize for not offering my well-wishes at the time - was a little busy and off SS during the time.

Anyway, moving on.

I loved the attention to detail throughout this one, it reads like you've done your research and I can appreciate that whenever I see it in a script. The characters were vivid and believable while the dialogue read genuine and real for what is a difficult circumstance. I can only praise you for the dialogue on this one - excellent work.

I liked the ending even if it was over dramatic .. which I guess might be the case in this situation - not sure. I wasn't quite sure what side I was rooting for when reading although it seemed you were siding with the NCADP through Michael.  I'm sure there is some deeper meaning behind it all (after looking back through the feedback, it seems there is) but I'm afraid to say that those sort of thing goes right over my head

My only real complaint would be the length as it did become a rather strenuous read but this could be more to do with me, I do have a short attention span at times. I actually liked the reporter and cameraman being shown around the facility but couldn't help but wonder if this could be cut and more empathize put on the Michael and Antwan relationship earlier in the piece.

The writings solid - a little error on page 7 where Michael talks twice in a row and the odd lines could be tightened up:

"The MD rolls his tray of needles and syringes closer (to him and he begins to) pick one up." Could be "...syringes closer and picks one up."

But honestly, all nitpicks and really nothing to worry about.

A solid story but could be shortened, IMO - excellent work.

Steve
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rc1107
Posted: May 27th, 2013, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey Coop.

I was wondering what happened to you.  I haven't seen you for awhile, although I haven't been able to get on SS the past week as much as I wanted to.  Welcome back and thanks for the well-wish now.

I agree that this is a bit long for a short script, but I think once on film, it'll work out good.  I think the length'll add to the atmosphere of the film, as it'll be a little bit of a slow build.  (And the script is in production now.  I'm going to post a statement and link for it a little bit later.)

I appreciate the read, Steve.  Have you submitted anything new recently that slipped by me?

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: May 27th, 2013, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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Hey Everybody.

I'm excited to announce that 'The Ephesian' is in the early stages of production with Rags 2 Riches Films, the film company behind the sleeper festival hit 'Greencastle', written and directed by Koran Dunbar.

The Facebook page for 'The Ephesian' is here:  https://www.facebook.com/TheEphesian?fref=ts


Here's a trailer for their film 'Greencastle':  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzlqCjIiJI8

and here's the official 'Greencastle' website:  http://www.greencastlethefilm.com/

I've seen the whole film and it's a great example of what excellent quality of film you can get when you make a film with your heart rather than money.  'Greencastle's budget was $25,000, and it rivals the quality of million dollar budget films.

I'm very excited to see what they bring to the table with 'The Ephesian'.

- Mark


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Forgive
Posted: May 27th, 2013, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Mark - lets hope they do a good job on it ... any idea of the budget?
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CoopBazinga
Posted: May 28th, 2013, 2:41am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rc1107
(And the script is in production now.  I'm going to post a statement and link for it a little bit later.)


Congrats, Mark! That's excellent news and they look like they know what they're doing. Will the story change at all?

Good stuff!
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alffy
Posted: May 28th, 2013, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Great news, Mark.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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rc1107
Posted: May 29th, 2013, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys.

Thanks for the congrats.

Not too sure of the exact budget right now, Simon.

I imagine there'll be a couple minor changes here and there, Steve.  (I have a couple ideas myself, actually.)  It'll all be chewed over in a few.

Thank you, Anthony.


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trickyb
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Hey Mark,

Very deep piece you've written here and if I'm being honest I'm not sure on where I stand with it.

The writing, format, story itself was great and gives you a lot to think about.

Having never lived anywhere with a death penalty I've never had to think of it as something that effects me or the part of society I live in. So I'm not sure where I stand on the issue.  I will say making both parties wait 19 years for a resolution is ridiculous, but having watched the odd episode of Boston legal I do understand there are a million processes to go through.

Back to your piece, I do think it was heavy on dialouge but I think with the rest of how the story was told it did suit it.  I really couldn't identify with any of the characters but given their situations I guess that's a good thing.

Good work, you got me thinking

Michael


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rc1107
Posted: July 5th, 2013, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michael.

I'm very sorry I missed your post on this.  I've been away from most things internet for the past month or two.

Don't worry not being sure where you stand on the issue.  I live in a place that has the death penalty and I'm still not sure where I stand on the issue.  I probably lean more towards anti-death penalty, but I can see where both sides are coming from and don't think either side is really wrong.  It might be hard for some to understand my point of view, especially if someone is die hard one way or the other, but I think this is an issue that will be 50-50 forever and there is no wrong or right answer.

Thanks again for the the read, and I'm glad it got you thinking.  And again, I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you.

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: July 18th, 2013, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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For those living in the Virginias, Maryland, Pennsylvania areas, 'The Ephesian' will be having their casting call on July 27th in Hagerstown, Maryland.

The summary, casting call, character needs, and other information is on the Facebook page.

Note to Don should you be reading this:

After seeing your work in James' 'So Dark', I gotta admit, I could see you playing the part of a Priest perfectly.  Although with the credits of playing a 'Pedophile #4' and then a 'Priest', I wouldn't want to see you get pigeon-holed as an actor.



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rc1107  -  July 18th, 2013, 11:31am
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LC
Posted: July 19th, 2013, 1:28am Report to Moderator
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Great stuff, Mark! And, judging by the Facebook page there's going to be some turnout for the auditions! Looking forward to seeing the final product.


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rc1107
Posted: July 19th, 2013, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Libby!  I'm looking forward to the final product, too!

Although I must admit, the production company is great and I'm enjoying the process so much, I don't want it to go by too fast.  You know, gotta soak it up some.  I've learned a lot from them about the film business already.


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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: July 19th, 2013, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark!

I knew this one would get produced brother. Cant wait to see the finished product. Keep it up and even bigger things could be in store, Congrates!

HGW


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rc1107
Posted: July 21st, 2013, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey Hugh.

Thanks for the vote of confidence!


Quoted from Hugh
Keep it up and even bigger things could be in store


That's the goal.  Working with Rags 2 Riches has been a great experience.

- Mark


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 21st, 2013, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

Sorry it took so long for me to finally read this.

I'll start by saying that I enjoy how subjective this piece feels through objective writing, which translates to vision, and it standouts here along with your other works.  

The act of an execution always brings raw emotion to the surface, but I am intrigued that you brought into light the details behind the process.  A disturbing formal walkthrough by the warden along with a formal request to have the victim removed from the records stirred up conflict within the governor.

Michael ended up becoming an ally to Antwan, but even after the letters and seed of redemption, I still thought more conflict would be appropriate in their discussion.

Antwan's last words were great, but felt forced.  Can you explain this to me?  I feel like I missed something critical.  Also, I enjoyed the protestors conflicting with in themselves, as I really think that this is what you were going for theme-wise.

I can't wait to see how this one plays out in film, it should receive quite a bit of attention, and deserves it.

Johnny
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rc1107
Posted: August 8th, 2013, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Hey Johnny.

Sorry.  I just noticed your post on this.  Thank you very much for taking the time to check it out and let me know your thoughts.


Quoted from johnny
I still thought more conflict would be appropriate in their discussion.


Yeah.  In the rewrite before filming there's plans to amp up the conflict between Michael and Antwan instead of just absolute forgiveness at the onset.


Quoted from johnny
Antwan's last words were great, but felt forced.  Can you explain this to me?


Comedy relief.  Did it work?  :-)  Actually, in my head, it was just my way of showing that Antwan is being strong in the face of whatever's left to come, just like he promised Michael he would be.  That line probably won't make the final cut anyway.  It'll most likely be cut or changed.  At least that's the plan.  It was more of a nod to Oscar Wilde than anything anyway.  It probably doesn't belong.


Quoted from Johnny
I enjoyed the protestors conflicting with in themselves, as I really think that this is what you were going for theme-wise.


How well you know me.  :-)  That's pretty much the exact theme I was going for.  In fact, there's a newspaper journalist who described perfectly what the script was about.  I'll find it and post it in a moment.  I've been meaning to anyway.

Thanks again for letting me know what you thought, Johnny.  As always, I'm surprised to see how well you know everything going on inside my head with my stories.

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: August 8th, 2013, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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Welp, auditions are over and the SAG contracts are out and the story's one step closer to coming to fruition.

For anybody interested, a newspaper article was published in The Record Herald on the story and the production company behind it:

http://www.therecordherald.com/article/20130727/NEWS/130729888

Thanks again for everybody's reads and thoughts and suggestions along the way so far!


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 8th, 2013, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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Mark,
Congrats on getting this filmed.  I read the article.  This sounds like it is in capable hands and should turn out fine on film.  I will read the script when I get off of work - after I finish Yesterday Syndrome (as I promised Michael).

Wishing you nothing but success!

Jeff


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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rc1107
Posted: August 8th, 2013, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff.

Rags 2 Riches has been great to work with.  I think they have big things ahead of them.

'Five Days for Redemption' looks like it's right up my alley.  I'll be checking it out as soon as I'm done running around a bit.

- Mark


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DanBall
Posted: August 18th, 2013, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark, just read this since you're checking out my work and this was listed in your signature. lol

Hey, Mark. Sorry it took so long to read this. I actually read it and went on vacation for a week before I replied with my thoughts. After reading this and the loglines of your other scripts, I can see why you didn't like A STAND AGAINST EVIL. There's a pretty noticeable difference in our choices of tone.

That being said, I thought your script was one of the best scripts I've read here. The concept itself wasn't really ground-breaking, but it was really well told. As someone who avoids writing drama for this very reason, I can appreciate how deftly you handled the characters, the dialogue, the events, etc. You did it really well.

The characters seemed real for the most part, not just stereotypes. I pictured Bayer as a pudgy bureaucrat, wearing a white short-sleeved button-up shirt, a shiny badge. Flat-top haircut, maybe a mustache, and one HELLUVA beer gut.

The dialogue gave me the most trouble, I think. It worked, but it was borderline flat. It made Michael seem like a bleeding heart who was always kind and compassionate and dull, not someone who had struggled internally with his feelings toward the man who killed his son. Some of the lines are so OTN that I picture Michael being a guy who likes to hear himself talk. Sometimes it comes off as self-righteousness. If that's your intent, okay. It makes for a more realistic character, but I didn't find him to be more interesting.

Congrats on this getting produced! It's certainly worthy of that status.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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rc1107
Posted: August 19th, 2013, 8:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan.

Thanks for checking this one out.  I appreciate the compliments, especially since you're not a particular fan of drama.

I'm glad you brought up the internal conflict in Michael's character.  That's one thing that's been talked about in pre-production talks, about Michael struggling a little bit more with forgiving Antwan so easily.  I'm confident the film resolves that issue.

I admit the dialogue may read on the nose at some points, but I think it'll be cleared up when the actors get a hold of the dialogue.  If they can reach the emotion the characters are going through, it should read very natural.

Thanks for reading this, Dan, and letting me know your thoughts.

- Mark


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DanBall
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Quoted from rc1107
I admit the dialogue may read on the nose at some points, but I think it'll be cleared up when the actors get a hold of the dialogue.  If they can reach the emotion the characters are going through, it should read very natural.


That's a good (and exciting) point. It's also the fun part about directing.



"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 19th, 2013, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

I just got to read this.  Been traveling on business and haven't had a chance to comment.

I know this is going into production, so are you still wanting some feedback?

One thing, I would give the priest a name.  When the guard says, "father's here.", it seems like his father.  Make him Father Mike or something.

Also, would like to know if they want you to tweak the script as they go.  If there are a lot of changes you have to make.  If you don't mind.

I liked the script.  Sure there are other things I noted as I read, but you are getting this filmed.  So, not really sure I could offer anything.

Good job and good luck with the filming!!

P.S.  You should play the guard or another part in it!

Jeff


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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rc1107
Posted: August 20th, 2013, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff.

New thoughts on the story are always very much appreciated.

I thought about that myself about the 'Father's here', line.  But then I thought the cut to the praying with the priest would be a good jar from the expectations of a dramatic dad/son goodbye.

There are going to be certain changes to the script, nothing too-too dramatic, but the ideas they did bring up I loved and think they added a dynamic to the script that wasn't there before.  I think they have the changes clear-cut in their head, so there won't be any overhaul or anything like that to the script.

Feel free to post your notes if you'd like and if you have the time.  Like I said, they're always appreciated.

It's funny how you mentioned I should play the guard.  I actually wrote that part for myself, even though I have no aspirations myself to become an actor.  (I had to work the day of auditions, though.  I wouldn't have had a good chance at all of getting the part, but I still would've tried.  :-)  (I also would've loved to play the priest.  Father Lyons has a nice ring to it.)

Thanks again, Jeff, for checking it out.  You'll be hearing from me soon.

- Mark


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rc1107
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Finally, a vacation!  I can finally catch up on some SimplyScripts time.

Just wanted to post an update.  I'm in Baltimore on my way to D.C. now for the premiere of 'The Ephesian' at the Maryland International Film Festival!

I just wanted to thank EVERYbody here at the site for all the support throughout the years and of course Don for such a wonderful site.

I hope everybody's been good and I can't wait to catch up on what everybody here's been up to.

- Mark


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irish eyes
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Good to have you back Mark 2.

Hope all goes well at the festival, rubbing shoulders with the big shots

Just remember us little guys

Mark 1


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rc1107
Posted: May 2nd, 2014, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Of course, I'll always remember you guys, Mike.


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rc1107
Posted: May 2nd, 2014, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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I mean Matt.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 2nd, 2014, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Oh cool, one my favorite shorts has been bumped up...by Mark? Whadaya say there!?

Oh man I can't wait to see this. This is gonna be a homerun for sure, please share how everything goes at the premiere and congrats!
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SAC
Posted: May 2nd, 2014, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hey Mark,

Welcome back and congratulations on the success of The Ephesian. Can't wait to see it.

I actually just read this now for the first time. Can't believe I missed it. I won't bore you with my comments, none of which mean anything really seeing as its a film now. But this was really good. You make it look so easy.

Anyway, here's hoping you don't check the boards tonight. Rather, slam down a few adult beverages and enjoy your well deserved success!

Steve


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rc1107
Posted: May 3rd, 2014, 6:51am Report to Moderator
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Hey Johnny and Steven!

Long time no see!

It was a wonderful night last night.  The film turned out awesome and got an awesome response.  There were six or seven films on the same block as us and they were all great.  I was really surprised by how good all the films were.

The Q&A after the film was a little rushed because the next block of films had to start playing, but needless to say, as we were leaving the lobby, I got a ton of questions about the story from different people.  It was nice to see a lot of people paid attention and got those themes that I was going for in the story.

Then, of course, there's always that one nutty director who loved your work and wants to work with you on their next film about a Luke Skywalker meets Bruce Lee type character that fights in ballet choreography.  (I'm not shitting, that's how he described his film to me.)  Just so everybody knows, I was in a very good mood and was very polite about not taking it.  Then, he said he got Spinderella from Salt-N-Pepa attached and I got weak in the knees and I took his card.

The best part was hanging out with everybody involved with making the film afterwards.  They're all genuinely nice people and a very close knit film family.

Anyway, the awards show's tonight and it is nominated for Best Short Film.  There were some great films on our block, though, (including another one about the death penalty and they played our films back to back.)  I won't be too upset if we don't take it.

If anyone has a chance to check out 'The Last 40 Miles', (the other one about the death penalty), you will not be disappointed.  I've never been so affected by an animated movie before.  And a german movie called 'Great'.  (Kevin L. if you're reading this, I thought about you as I watched it.)

Anyway, thanks everybody again!


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: May 3rd, 2014, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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I guess it's late to give a review. Lol.

Congrats man. Hopefully those networks prove useful. It will be a good time to showcase your other short, Ginger.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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LC
Posted: May 9th, 2014, 12:07am Report to Moderator
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Congrats Mark! Can't wait to see this.


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RegularJohn
Posted: May 9th, 2014, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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That's friggan awesome, Mark.  Can't wait to check out some more stories from you.  Good luck with the awards, brother.


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rc1107
Posted: May 10th, 2014, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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Hey Libby and John.

Thank you very much!

We didn't take the award, but it was still an awesome time and a great experience and gave me real insight into getting out there and promoting your film.



from left to right:  Koran Dunbar (producer), Jay Frantz (actor), David Vanderveer (producer), Christopher James Raynor (actor), me (writer), and Tom Riford (Maryland Film Festival President, (and Governor)







And this happened to be taken as I was fielding a question:





Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 13th, 2015, 3:35pm
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Toby_E
Posted: May 10th, 2014, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Great pics, man! And nevermind about the award, it's an achievement getting as far as you did I seriously cannot wait to catch this!

P.s. I see you bringing that Youngstown swagger to the awards ceremony with the double denim/ beanie combo


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rc1107
Posted: May 11th, 2014, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Toby!

Next on the agenda is cutting a trailer for it, then some more festivals, and then the producers do want to make dvd hard copies available, complete with behind the scenes.

And how's this for swagger: Underneath my button-up, I'm wearing my 'Youngstown - Duck Motherfucker' shirt.  :-)


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 11th, 2014, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Man, that's all looks cool. Hanging about on stage with producers and actors - wow

The only downside is that your photos has reduced this thread to a pin prick on my iPad  

Well done


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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rc1107
Posted: May 15th, 2014, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Bill!

And sorry about the size.  I have no idea how to resize the pictures.  :-)

And congrats on all your recent success, too!  (I know I've told you that four or five times now, but I'm superexcited for you!)


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Nathan Hill
Posted: May 15th, 2014, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Don't take it  to offence but I don't want to read the script, I like the plot but don't want to see the ending and would like to see it in film. How can I see the movie when I'm from the UK? Haha.
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rc1107
Posted: May 16th, 2014, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Nathan.  No offense taken.  The film is still making the festival rounds, but there will be a dvd cut at a later date and will be available on the facebook page.  I'm not sure if there's any youtube plans or anything.


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Nathan Hill
Posted: May 16th, 2014, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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Nice! Good luck with it, I'll be waiting for the DVD haha.
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Don
Posted: May 13th, 2015, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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jwent6688
Posted: May 13th, 2015, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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Youngstown,

Again, a big congrats on this. The trailer does a great job of setting the mood here. Looks like a big production. Especially like the scene of him holding a gun to his head in the street in front of the police.

Fine work to be proud of.

James


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Iancou
Posted: May 13th, 2015, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

Big congrats. Every time I see a movie produced, it inspires the rest of us that are serious about the craft. I look forward to seeing the actual movie.


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Ledbetter
Posted: May 13th, 2015, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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MARK-O

Fantastic news brother!!!!

You keep punching away and it's paying off in spades, man.

Great trailer!!!! Very well done.

Proud and happy for you, my friend.

Shawn.....><
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SAC
Posted: May 13th, 2015, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Looks like a winner, Mark! Job well done.

Steve


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rc1107
Posted: May 13th, 2015, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you, everybody!  Of course, it wouldn't have been done if it weren't for Don and SimplyScripts!


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 8:36am Report to Moderator
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Congratulations! That is awesome!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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DanC
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark
    I read the script and saw the trailer.  Wow, that was intense.  Well done.  You deserve whatever good fortune finds you in the future.

What a story.  And it's thought provoking too.  

The father is a far better man then me.  

One question, I find it odd that he'd be allowed to contact the family.  Usually, they are forbid to contact them.  At least that's how I understand the law.

But, again, great story and the trailer was awesome.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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DS
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Wow, that was a good trailer. Good acting and impressive production values by the look of it. I read this script a while ago and really liked it.

You're one of my favourite writers here ever since I read Thistles and I'm glad to see it's going well for you. Well deserved. Best of luck to you and the film!
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Max
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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I think the script is written rather well.

I always save the good scripts into a folder so I can read them, also helps me keep my head in check when it comes to proper format because sometimes I become too indulgent.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

Yup, trailer looks great.  Congrats.  Job well done.   I'm happy for you.

Ghost


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rc1107
Posted: May 14th, 2015, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the kind words, everybody!

Hmm.  Good point about him not being allowed to contact the family, Dan.  I know that is the case because I was held up before, and he wasn't allowed to contact me when he was in prison, and I never even thought about addressing that in the script.  Let's just pretend that the guard who checks the outgoing mail is very sympathetic to Anthony's state of emotion.  :-)  Really good catch, though.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: May 16th, 2015, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Mark

Congratulations, man, the trailer looks fantastic.

I remember reading this script a couple of years back and liking it.

Best of luck with it going forward.

Col.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: May 16th, 2015, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Good luck.
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rc1107
Posted: May 16th, 2015, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Col and Dustin!

Also, we got word the other day that we'll be going to Austin, Texas in September for the Austin Revolution Film Festival!


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Don
Posted: June 18th, 2018, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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Watch The Ephesian by Mark Lyons on Amazon Prime!


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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