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Another good one that matches the challenge. Iím on a roll here!
I too thought Chrissy was female at first.
Great banter between the two, a little annoying at first until they get into the elevator but then I was into the flow.
Dom was funny (Iím the wrong guy, am I? lol!) I thought he was playing them, so Iím glad you didnít have him really be the Deuce as the twist as thatís obvious.
The getting out on the random floor just because of a noise just didnít work for me. Chrissy had no reason to go investigate. But I really liked the rest of it and the end was very Tarrintino, over the top but worked a treat.
Congrats, Iím starting to get a list of favorites now Ė itís going to be tough to choose.
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3 more to go, so if I can stay in, I'll be detailed.
OVER BLACK needs to be left aligned. I just don't understand how anyone could think right aligning anything to begin a read makes sense.
IMO, way to many detailed things happening OVER BLACK. I think attempting to do this is almost always a mistake, unless it's 100% clear and there for a reason.
Wow...6 passages to intro 2 characters and an unconscious guy? 18 lines! Many of these are extremely awkwardly written and phrased. I don't understand the "Chrissy" character - male, nearly pretty, heavy, and the kind who can chew a toothpick and not look stupid?
Writing continues to be awkward, long winded, and dialogue is going nowhere, sorry to say.
Lots of incorrectly broken up passages - keep them to 1 thought or shot.
OK, I'm very bored and leaving right before page 4. Nothing of any interest has happened. Sorry.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
It's well written with only a few minor errors and a couple of orphans. The banter between Joey and Chrissy works well. The action lines are verbose at times and it lagged a bit in the middle, but overall a solid effort.
Donít look at me like that. This is
important. Listen, and donít do it
again. Is he supposed to be awake
Don't do what again?
You sure? I thought he said
something else. I mean are you
It can't be that difficult to remember unless this is a comedy?
Whyíve you bound me? Hey, Iím
talking to you.
Who talks like that in that type of situation? They'd likely scream... even men. Dialogue is way off for me so far.
His voice is hoarse, pained.
Really? He's tied up and been beaten, he wakes up in a lift with the two perps, alone... I'm not buying this at all.
I'm out at page 6. The dialogue is killing it and I don't believe the actions of the characters. Even if this guy does turn out to be the Deuce and he's tricking his way out, I'm too bored to find out. Not one for me.
Hard to judge, there's a lot of banter, a lot talk, much which seems to be useless -- but I guess that could be argued. The crux of the story is good, but it's seriously a wonder on how you even stretched it for so long. Two guys grab the wrong guy, that's literally it from what I saw unless I missed something major. Cut it down, cut everything down actually -- either put more meat or leave it out. A decent effort nonetheless though.
A case of mistaken identity makes for a funny ending. It felt like a scene from a feature rather than a short, but it's got legs.
Writing was okay - a bit clunky - I'd imagine the writer knows and is itching to smooth it out. I would recommend cutting out some of the dialogue. Joey's character was annoying, I guess he's meant to be, but up against the coolness of Chrissy it wouldn't take much to get that across.
The Deuce is a fun name. Could be interesting to explore in some of the dialogue why they call him The Deuce. I also liked how you presented Dom at start, pretty quirky.
"...and pulls out a crumpled photo to hold it beside Domís head..."
That doesn't work. They don't come across that stupid, having a picture and not checking it right away.
Feltz Ė I don't like that you use him as a goal but don't fulfill my interest to see him.
I don't understand the last line "Youíll be a Deuce soon." Does it mean they took the wrong one and want to hit him that he looks like the right guy? Make it clearer then. (Tell us the picture and the guy don't match)
I can tell the characters ask each other a huuuuuge amount of questions. Check that if you want to.
You were on a great track; I was intrigued by the story. Simply the points I've mentioned above had hurt that whole journey. Especially the ending.
Now, from a technical standpoint, well written with only minor issues in spelling. For example,...
Should read 'pudgy'.
No it shouldn't. Pudgy is another word with a similar meaning. I chose podgy deliberately. As it sounds better. I note you don't point out any other issues. I'd like to say there aren't any. But I know there is at least one genuine one.
The only other issue was a hint of danger when the elevator stops at a different floor. I almost expected some killer, supernatural something or other, or an unexpected attack, but nothing. They merely went on their way. The whole sequence appeared to be unnecessary and seemed to add nothing to the story. If I missed something, anybody catch it?
I don't know if they did catch it. If they did, let's hope they feel better soon.
I can't see the harm in a little misdirection here and there. You obviously don't feel the same. Have you never been a lift at night in a tall building and all you want to do is get to your floor? I have. I wasn't burglarising the place. I had a key and everything.
Anyways the bugger stops, the lift I mean, unexpectedly too. The doors open and there's no-one there. It's scary, or at least a little sinister. When it happens again, it's even more so. I thought it added quite a bit to the story. I'm not alone in that. So there.
Finally, the logline states two guys, but with Dom/David, that makes three.
Oh dear. You're getting pedantic. I'm not sure he counts. He doesn't actually say anything until late in the story. And why would I give it all away in a logline? It's an OWC, it's going to get read, or some are going to pretend to read it, then slag it off.
Thanks for the read. I would say thanks for the compliments, but I only saw a swift one. Ooh. You nearly gave me one, a compliment I mean, regarding Tarantino. But then you ruined it completely. A shame, because you were very nearly there.
And you accused me of a false spelling mistake. So no biscuits for you. Still, thanks for the read.
- the ending is a clever idea, though itís missing something. How is beating up this guy gonna make him look like the Deuce? Maybe the Deuce should have a missing eye or something?
No. If the guy already looks like The Deuce, and they beat him up some more, then of course he'll look more like the Deuce. He's hardly gonna look less like him. The way Chrissy says his final line shows he's determined.
Hang on, you're saying the Deuce should have a missing eye, so they'd have to take out Dom's eye to make him look like him. Somewhat gruesome. It wouldn't fit in with the tone too well, methinks.
It was very unclear to me until closer read that Joey even left the elevator. -- Joey jumps with alarm. Dom watches him head out of view-- That needs to be more clear the reader.
More clear the reader? Should be 'more clear to the reader'. Hang on, I heard something. I think it's the Pot. What's that, Pot? I think Pot is saying something about Kettle. Can't quite make it out.
Anyways, in your 'umble. We're in a lift. We've been in a lift for quite a while. Dom watches Joey head out of view. What, you think he disappeared to some far corner of the lift? I suggest the honourable gentlemen has not been paying due care and attention.
I could make it a lot clearer. I could spell it out in bold, as I see you're rather fond of. But I think you're saying more about you than you are about my script. It is clear. As clear as day. Sparkly. You just didn't pick up on it until you had a few tries. That's alright. You'd have a fair point, if it wasn't there to find. But it is.
I mean itís there, but weíre reading a lot of scripts, action for important things like a character exiting needs to be crystal
It is crystal. Diamond shiny. The fact you've got a lot of scripts to read has got absolutely nothing to do with it. If you're pushed for time that's your problem. What's the rush? Did you miss the bus?
You should stop reading stuff on public transport and get your glasses checked.
- then we have this: Fuck. ďDid you do you that?Ēright after, and I have no idea what Chrissy is talking about. Iíve reread it 3 times and I have no idea.
Oh dear. No idea? Oh my. This is devastating. This makes Syria look like Disneyland. Disaster. Woe is me. If memory serves they've been in a lift. You may have noticed that. You might have missed it as I only mentioned them getting in once. I probably should have bolded it.
So now they've both left the lift. I repeat, they have LEFT THE LIFT. Got that? Good.
The doors have closed. The lift is gone. GONE is lift. Gone. The doors are shut. SHUT. The LIFT is GONE. He's talking about it. The lift. It has departed. Left. Lift has left. He's accusing him of sending the lift away. This is not rocket surgery or brain science. You're not paying attention properly. Read it again. You may have missed it.
I don't like writing scripts assuming the reader is a bit daft with the reading age of a child, or they've got a load of other scripts to read. I'd rather assume they are sharp, intelligent and paying close attention. You're often sharp enough.
It's all there, I spent a long time crafting it and making sure it was, hencing my sarcasm and cheek. I spent a long time doing it. What you're asking me to do is throw all that out and write it so a twelve year old can pick everything up. I ain't gonna do that.
No it isn't. If you were JJ Abrams I might believe you, might. But I have a feeling if he actually said he'd read it, he might actually have read it properly. It's fatal to your understanding of it because you're skimming then trying to place the blame on me. Which is a pity. I had the biscuits out near the start.
Little things like this can sink a good story because things are not clear to the reader, which makes him work waaaay too hard.
Work hard? How, by reading the story without watching TV at the same time? You're not alone in not liking it. Goes with the territory. But you do appear alone in the stuff you pointed out. I don't see any other comments echoing your points. So I don't believe you. I'd read it since myself and it's fine. No, wait. It's amazing.
If you were right there would be others who had the same problems.
There isn't. They've got their own problems. Which is frankly typical.
- The type who could chew a toothpick without looking stupid. I donít know what that means, but I appreciate the effort!
Hmm, sounds a bit cheeky. Fair enough. My turn...
I would explain, but I'm not sure you'd get it. And I've got load a scripts to read. Plus there's something good coming on the telly in a minute. After that I've a bus to catch. Must remember to bring my phone with me. So I can tell her where I am, and ask her what's for dinner.
- Joey is very worried about the victim for a hit man. And then at the end he doesnít mind hitting an innocent man.
Nope. He's midly worried about him. He's far more worried about himself, what might occur when their journey ends and the consequences of him doing the wrong thing, from his point of view. His dialogue clearly reflects this.
Oh, I was just getting used to pasting in your quotes and I've ran out. Absolutely no biscuits for you.
I have a feeling you may have liked it more than your letting on and, like your predecessor, and many others come to that, you focused more on what you didn't like, as opposed to what you did. Fair enough. But you could have thrown me a bone now and again. From your review it comes across as you really didn't like it.
Never mind. No tea either. Instead you get an empty cup and a small empty plate. Upon which I will place no biscuits. And certainly no cake. If you behave I'll let you have a teaspoon. So you can look at yourself and think about what you've done.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr