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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Deuce - OWC
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  Author    The Deuce - OWC  (currently 6969 views)
MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 8:34am Report to Moderator
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Another good one that matches the challenge. Iím on a roll here!

I too thought Chrissy was female at first.

Great banter between the two, a little annoying at first until they get into the elevator but then I was into the flow.

Dom was funny (Iím the wrong guy, am I? lol!) I thought he was playing them, so Iím glad you didnít have him really be the Deuce as the twist as thatís obvious.

The getting out on the random floor just because of a noise just didnít work for me. Chrissy had no reason to go investigate. But I really liked the rest of it and the end was very Tarrintino, over the top but worked a treat.

Congrats, Iím starting to get a list of favorites now Ė itís going to be tough to choose.

-Mark  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 11:10am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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3 more to go, so if I can stay in, I'll be detailed.

OVER BLACK needs to be left aligned.  I just don't understand how anyone could think right aligning anything to begin a read makes sense.

IMO, way to many detailed things happening OVER BLACK.  I think attempting to do this is almost always a mistake, unless it's 100% clear and there for a reason.

Wow...6 passages to intro 2 characters and an unconscious guy?  18 lines!  Many of these are extremely awkwardly written and phrased.  I don't understand the "Chrissy" character - male, nearly pretty, heavy, and the kind who can chew a toothpick and not look stupid?

Writing continues to be awkward, long winded, and dialogue is going nowhere, sorry to say.

Lots of incorrectly broken up passages - keep them to 1 thought or shot.

OK, I'm very bored and leaving right before page 4.  Nothing of any interest has happened.  Sorry.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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paydirt
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this one was pretty good.

It's well written with only a few minor errors and a couple of orphans.  The banter between Joey and Chrissy works well. The action lines are verbose at times and it lagged a bit in the middle,  but overall a solid effort.
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Simon
Posted: May 28th, 2015, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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That animation's hilarious, lol.


Please visit and like/follow my Unsubscribe fan page https://www.facebook.com/The-Unsubscribe-Tribe-157356154842321/
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Dustin
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 2:14am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

JOEY
Donít look at me like that. This is
important. Listen, and donít do it
again. Is he supposed to be awake
or asleep?


Don't do what again?

Code

JOEY
You sure? I thought he said
something else. I mean are you
absolutely sure? 


It can't be that difficult to remember unless this is a comedy?

Code

DOM
Whyíve you bound me? Hey, Iím
talking to you.


Who talks like that in that type of situation? They'd likely scream... even men. Dialogue is way off for me so far.

Code

His voice is hoarse, pained.


Really? He's tied up and been beaten, he wakes up in a lift with the two perps, alone... I'm not buying this at all.

I'm out at page 6. The dialogue is killing it and I don't believe the actions of the characters. Even if this guy does turn out to be the Deuce and he's tricking his way out, I'm too bored to find out. Not one for me.

3 out of 10.


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nawazm11
Posted: May 30th, 2015, 3:40am Report to Moderator
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Hard to judge, there's a lot of banter, a lot talk, much which seems to be useless -- but I guess that could be argued. The crux of the story is good, but it's seriously a wonder on how you even stretched it for so long. Two guys grab the wrong guy, that's literally it from what I saw unless I missed something major. Cut it down, cut everything down actually -- either put more meat or leave it out. A decent effort nonetheless though.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 31st, 2015, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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A case of mistaken identity makes for a funny ending. It felt like a scene from a feature rather than a short, but it's got legs.

Writing was okay - a bit clunky - I'd imagine the writer knows and is itching to smooth it out. I would recommend cutting out some of the dialogue. Joey's character was annoying, I guess he's meant to be, but up against the coolness of Chrissy it wouldn't take much to get that across.

The Deuce is a fun name. Could be interesting to explore in some of the dialogue why they call him The Deuce. I also liked how you presented Dom at start, pretty quirky.

Not bad. It's been done before, but I like it.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 2nd, 2015, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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I don't see how Khamanna thought I wrote this! Upmarket is definitely British!  Or an Aussie thing.

I liked this one. Easy piecy read. It could be trimmed just a tad as the banter started to feel that it was just filling space after awhile.

Like the sounds over black. I could picture it perfectly. Well, you know what I mean.

I liked how Dom only had one slipper on. Gives me a pretty clear idea he was nabbed in surprise.

Also liked the freeze frame at the end, right before they hit Dom.

Great job. Humbled that someone thought I wrote it.  Congrats on your short! Someone will probably pick this one up.  


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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 3rd, 2015, 9:00pm Report to Moderator
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The Deuce

"...and pulls out a crumpled photo to hold it
beside Domís head..."

That doesn't work. They don't come across that stupid, having a picture and not checking it right away.

Feltz Ė I don't like that you use him as a goal but don't fulfill my interest to see him.

I don't understand the last line "Youíll be a Deuce soon."
Does it mean they took the wrong one and want to hit him that he looks like the right guy? Make it clearer then. (Tell us the picture and the guy don't match)

I can tell the characters ask each other a huuuuuge amount of questions. Check that if you want to.

You were on a great track; I was intrigued by the story. Simply the points I've mentioned above had hurt that whole journey. Especially the ending.




Revision History (1 edits)
PrussianMosby  -  June 3rd, 2015, 9:40pm
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rendevous
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 4:06am Report to Moderator
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I see the names have been revealed. So I'll respond to each as they were posted. I'll keep going until I lose either the will to live, or interest. Whichever happens first.


Quoted from Iancou
Hmm. Different. Had a Quentin Tarantino feel to it, except the characters weren't eccentric enough.


I'd like to find a compliment in there. Sadly I can't.


Quoted from Iancou
Now, from a technical standpoint, well written with only minor issues in spelling. For example,...

Should read 'pudgy'.


No it shouldn't. Pudgy is another word with a similar meaning. I chose podgy deliberately. As it sounds better. I note you don't point out any other issues. I'd like to say there aren't any. But I know there is at least one genuine one.


Quoted from Iancou
The only other issue was a hint of danger when the elevator stops at a different floor. I almost expected some killer, supernatural something or other, or an unexpected attack, but nothing. They merely went on their way. The whole sequence appeared to be unnecessary and seemed to add nothing to the story. If I missed something, anybody catch it?


I don't know if they did catch it. If they did, let's hope they feel better soon.

I can't see the harm in a little misdirection here and there. You obviously don't feel the same. Have you never been a lift at night in a tall building and all you want to do is get to your floor? I have. I wasn't burglarising the place. I had a key and everything.

Anyways the bugger stops, the lift I mean, unexpectedly too. The doors open and there's no-one there. It's scary, or at least a little sinister. When it happens again, it's even more so. I thought it added quite a bit to the story. I'm not alone in that. So there.


Quoted from Iancou
Finally, the logline states two guys, but with Dom/David, that makes three.

Ian


Oh dear. You're getting pedantic. I'm not sure he counts. He doesn't actually say anything until late in the story. And why would I give it all away in a logline? It's an OWC, it's going to get read, or some are going to pretend to read it, then slag it off.

Thanks for the read. I would say thanks for the compliments, but I only saw a swift one. Ooh. You nearly gave me one, a compliment I mean, regarding Tarantino. But then you ruined it completely. A shame, because you were very nearly there.

And you accused me of a false spelling mistake. So no biscuits for you. Still, thanks for the read.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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rendevous
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:10am Report to Moderator
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Onnwards to the man in the dark coat...


Quoted from JSimon
what I liked:

- itís generally well written except for the clarity issues that come up below. This happens in OWCs with deadlines, but it can spoil the story


Not with mine it doesn't. Well, let's hope not. I seriously doubt it. Still, early days, do please continue...


Quoted from JSimon
- the ending is a clever idea, though itís missing something. How is beating up this guy gonna make him look like the Deuce? Maybe the Deuce should have a missing eye or something?


No. If the guy already looks like The Deuce, and they beat him up some more, then of course he'll look more like the Deuce. He's hardly gonna look less like him. The way Chrissy says his final line shows he's determined.

Hang on, you're saying the Deuce should have a missing eye, so they'd have to take out Dom's eye to make him look like him. Somewhat gruesome. It wouldn't fit in with the tone too well, methinks.


Quoted from JSimon
suggestions to improve:

- I had to read page 6 three times and almost quit the story because of it.


Oh dear. Were you on a bus? Did you keep dropping it? Bad internet connection? Were the other people on the bus distracting you by answering phone calls and saying "I'm on the bus".

They usually follow up that pearl of wisdom with "What's for dinner?". How the winter nights must fly by in their house.


Quoted from JSimon
It was very unclear to me until closer read that Joey even left the elevator. -- Joey jumps with alarm. Dom watches him head out of view-- That needs to be more clear the reader.  


More clear the reader? Should be 'more clear to the reader'. Hang on, I heard something. I think it's the Pot. What's that, Pot? I think Pot is saying something about Kettle. Can't quite make it out.  

Anyways, in your 'umble. We're in a lift. We've been in a lift for quite a while. Dom watches Joey head out of view. What, you think he disappeared to some far corner of the lift? I suggest the honourable gentlemen has not been paying due care and attention.

I could make it a lot clearer. I could spell it out in bold, as I see you're rather fond of. But I think you're saying more about you than you are about my script. It is clear. As clear as day. Sparkly. You just didn't pick up on it until you had a few tries. That's alright. You'd have a fair point, if it wasn't there to find. But it is.


Quoted from JSimon
I mean itís there, but weíre reading a lot of scripts, action for important things like a character exiting needs to be crystal


It is crystal. Diamond shiny. The fact you've got a lot of scripts to read has got absolutely nothing to do with it. If you're pushed for time that's your problem. What's the rush? Did you miss the bus?

You should stop reading stuff on public transport and get your glasses checked.


Quoted from JSimon
- then we have this: Fuck. ďDid you do you that?Ēright after, and I have no idea what Chrissy is talking about. Iíve reread it 3 times and I have no idea.


Oh dear. No idea? Oh my. This is devastating. This makes Syria look like Disneyland. Disaster. Woe is me. If memory serves they've been in a lift. You may have noticed that. You might have missed it as I only mentioned them getting in once. I probably should have bolded it.

So now they've both left the lift. I repeat, they have LEFT THE LIFT. Got that? Good.

The doors have closed. The lift is gone. GONE is lift. Gone. The doors are shut. SHUT. The LIFT is GONE. He's talking about it. The lift. It has departed. Left. Lift has left. He's accusing him of sending the lift away. This is not rocket surgery or brain science. You're not paying attention properly. Read it again. You may have missed it.

I don't like writing scripts assuming the reader is a bit daft with the reading age of a child, or they've got a load of other scripts to read. I'd rather assume they are sharp, intelligent and paying close attention. You're often sharp enough.

It's all there, I spent a long time crafting it and making sure it was, hencing my sarcasm and cheek. I spent a long time doing it. What you're asking me to do is throw all that out and write it so a twelve year old can pick everything up. I ain't gonna do that.


Quoted from JSimon
This stuff fatal to a script.


No it isn't. If you were JJ Abrams I might believe you, might. But I have a feeling if he actually said he'd read it, he might actually have read it properly. It's fatal to your understanding of it because you're skimming then trying to place the blame on me. Which is a pity. I had the biscuits out near the start.


Quoted from JSimon
Little things like this can sink a good story because things are not clear to the reader, which makes him work waaaay too hard.


Work hard? How, by reading the story without watching TV at the same time? You're not alone in not liking it. Goes with the territory. But you do appear alone in the stuff you pointed out. I don't see any other comments echoing your points. So I don't believe you. I'd read it since myself and it's fine. No, wait. It's amazing.

If you were right there would be others who had the same problems.

There isn't. They've got their own problems. Which is frankly typical.


Quoted from JSimon
filming potential:

affordable, with much tweaking might be worth considering


Yes. Maybe we should get rid of the lift.


Quoted from JSimon
investment in story and characters:

making Joe a sympathetic goon almost makes him sympathetic


Wise words there. I had a chicken burger earlier. Tasted like chicken. Stay with us, more gems of genius right after the break.


Quoted from JSimon
Comments:

- The type who could chew a toothpick without looking stupid. I donít know what that means, but I appreciate the effort!


Hmm, sounds a bit cheeky. Fair enough. My turn...

I would explain, but I'm not sure you'd get it. And I've got load a scripts to read. Plus there's something good coming on the telly in a minute. After that I've a bus to catch. Must remember to bring my phone with me. So I can tell her where I am, and ask her what's for dinner.


Quoted from JSimon
- Chrissy is an odd name for a guy in my neck of the forest


I must remember to run all my character name choices by you from now on so you can decide if they are odd around your way. Never seen the Sopranos? I'm sure they showed it, even down your woods neck.


Quoted from JSimon
- Joey is very worried about the victim for a hit man. And then at the end he doesnít mind hitting an innocent man.


Nope. He's midly worried about him. He's far more worried about himself, what might occur when their journey ends and the consequences of him doing the wrong thing, from his point of view. His dialogue clearly reflects this.

Oh, I was just getting used to pasting in your quotes and I've ran out. Absolutely no biscuits for you.

I have a feeling you may have liked it more than your letting on and, like your predecessor, and many others come to that, you focused more on what you didn't like, as opposed to what you did. Fair enough. But you could have thrown me a bone now and again. From your review it comes across as you really didn't like it.

Never mind. No tea either. Instead you get an empty cup and a small empty plate. Upon which I will place no biscuits. And certainly no cake. If you behave I'll let you have a teaspoon. So you can look at yourself and think about what you've done.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here

Revision History (1 edits)
rendevous  -  June 7th, 2015, 7:23am
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Dustin
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:29am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Sorry mate, just wasn't something I could get into it. I'll read your replies to others and hopefully figure out why I'm such a dick.


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rendevous
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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Nay bother, Dustin,

Read my replies to others by all means, you may get a giggle out of it. I'm having fun doing them.

I don't think you're a dick. If you were being one whilst reading mine, then you were being far less of a dick than some.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

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Other scripts here
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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well, i liked it RV  


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.††Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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rendevous
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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You are obviously a man of fine tastes. I would buy you dinner. But I don't have any money.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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