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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Deuce - OWC
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  Author    The Deuce - OWC  (currently 7188 views)
medstudent
Posted: July 2nd, 2015, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Rendevous,
Finally got around to reading this. Sorry it took so long. I haven't read previous reviews so this may be redundant.

I understand this was written for a one week challenge. Not sure if this is the first version or subsequent drafts. Either way, overall I liked this. A contained script with limited characters can do a lot. I felt though this could be so much more in terms of suspense, etc.

Three main things I see with this...

The first is the dialogue. When writing dialogue I always consider what EACH of the characters want when they walk into a scene. While your characters have similar goals (get the guy to point A), EACH character will have his/her own internal goal. One that is not explicitly stated. It is the internal dialogue that drives how characters speak within a scene. I think I referenced Silver Linings Playbook in a previous post. Specifically, when the two main characters are in the restaurant for the first time. When they speak we understand each's internal goal that drives the dialogue. One wants to hook up with the other while the other person just wants to find a way out of there. There is rarely any "ping-pong" style dialogue.

MAN
Do you want to eat?

GIRL
Yes.

MAN
What to you want?

GIRL
Chicken.

Good dialogue rarely does this. This is what your characters do for most of this script. And unfortunately your script relies on GREAT dialogue to be successful. Most people (good film characters) say what they think will get them that thing they want. They rarely respond ping pong style (Occasionally this is done intentionally though). You should write your dialogue like you write your posts... tangential, often cryptic, strange but mostly interesting. I enjoy reading your posts for the dialogue alone.

MAN
Do you want to eat?

WOMAN
What the fuck is your problem?

MAN
What do you want to eat?

WOMAN
You think you can do whatever you want, to whomever you want?

MAN
So, you want chicken?


It would likely be way more subtle than this though you get the idea.


The other important piece in your story that could be improved are the character traits for each. I liked where you started to go initially though didn't follow through. Initially, you have Chrissy as the calm, cool one (which is a great character trait for this situation) yet "Chrissy pulls Joey close." at one point. This would not be the action of an uber calm, cool guy. I say, find each's main trait and pull it to an extreme to see where it takes you. Chrissy is so cool that he NEVER pulls his gun. He NEVER lays a hand on the guy. He doesn't have to. He clips his fingernails the whole time. He's bored with this. On the other hand, Joey is the opposite... hair trigger, paranoid, etc.

Finally, I don't really feel the tension build because I don't know what is at stake. I get that they are trying to get this guy to the top floor, but what happens if they don't? What's at stake? They've screwed up so much that if they screw this up they'll be done in? I think identifying this would allow you to build the tension and make the pay off (beating the guy to make him look like the Deuce) more significant.

With all that being said though, I really enjoy your writing style and overall enjoyed this script/story. There could be more to this little piece.

Hope this was helpful.

Best,
Joseph


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