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The opening lines disturbed the tranquil centre of my mind. It read wrong, like you'd broken some ungodly law of writing nature. I think it's because you start with nouns, and then start sticking verbs in there. Muffled voices. A distant siren. Engine revs??? Or An Engine revving??? Instead of an engine revs? You are going from specific noises to actions...which weirded me out.
I read it a few times, trying to bring sense to my increasingly chaotic world, but there were red faces at the windows with chattering teeth and I'd already peeled off my own fingernails, so I didn't know which way was up by the end. Maybe you were right all along.
You are a very proficient writer. Your scripts always have the "mass" of a professional. They feel solid in your hands. Glossy. Like polished teak. Images flood into one's consciousness unbidden, looking as smart and swanky as any Hollywood flick. That's got to be a good thing.
Tone is excellent. Guy Ritchie vibe.
"CHRISSY You can ravish him for all I care."
Characters are familiar, but they work.
Page 4, doors opening...good beat.
Initial feeling when I got to the end was one of disappointment. The build up was so expert, that I was expecting some huge pay off rather than just the comedy of them beating the guy to look like the Deuce.
Then I thought it was clever.
I don't really know and I don't want to see those red faces at the window again.
Exactly. Bit mild. But, considering the previous posts, a massive leap forward in terms that will affect us all for the better. You should pep it up a bit next time. Think big, think shiny. Think ooooh.
Simple, a little obvious as an idea, but I liked it. Nice little finish. Indeed, I think that is a very sound finish.
I thank you kind sir. It wasn't that obvious. But you're evidently hugely intelligent, and extremely well read. I would mention your looks, but I feel this is neither the time, nor the venue. Give me a call later. I'll bring the special stuff.
Ok, we could point at a few holes, but decent work.
No, we really don't have any time to point out any holes. This really isn't that type of place. Many thanks again. It is nice to be appreciated. I'm glad you enjoyed it. For a while there I thought you were softening me up only to give me a kicking. Mind you, the night is still young...
Thanks for commenting, Dan. You like to keep it brief, don't you? They don't charge by the word here, you know. You're confusing it with the classifieds in those magazines.
Sadly, your comments didn't really work for me at all. They took too short a time to take seriously.
Hey I take offense. THOSE magazines are way more expensive then what you make them out to be. Wait, that wasn't what I was supposed to admit,
Man, I'm waiting for that cash from that nice prince from some country that I can't pronounce that has no money options unless i save him and his 2BIL by sending him 50.00 in the mail.
Seriously, that's makes as much sense as the idea for Pixels, but, at least I plan to see pixels, I won't ever see my 50 again, will I????
Just once, I wish one of these princes I send cash to would live up to their promise...
Seriously, you're right Rend. And I am sorry. For the next challenge, I will certainly take my time with all the entries. I thought we had like 72 hrs to read everything, not 2 weeks. I should have given your story, and a few others the respect and longer detailed explanation it deserved.
So, I'm giving you a get out of Dan free card. This entitles you to a message, wait, wrong website again, gotta keep this stuff straight. It entitles you to one free read at any time of your choice. You ask, I read, no matter how long it is, except there is one rule, it must be a screenplay and something you wrote, I ain't reading war and freaking peace...
You're often more obscure than me. And I can go well off on one, on occasion.
I wasn't offended by your review. I rarely am. Some fools do try to offend. They fail. I've worked on building sites. Some nitwit on a website with an axe to grind is a mere irritant compared to a drunk Scotsman with a Stihl saw who's taken exception to my own peculiar brand of cheek. It taught me to get a thicker skin. Not to mention run very fast indeed.
The vast majority, including you, don't offend. The internet is not the best place for those who do easily take offence
There's no worries. If you're determined, you can read whichever one takes your fancy. As long as you're honest, you can say whatever you like. Just bear in mind I always retain the right to reply.
If you want suggestions - try Blood Group. It's linked in my signature. If that's too long try The Sandwich, which is here.
Dom seems a little casual with his predicament, imho there should be begging and pleading!
Why? Because that's what you expect. He's concussed, unsure and he's in a confined space with hard looking lads with guns.
But he's still smart enough to know pleading and begging isn't goint to help. I think most people would save that to the very end, when there's nothing else left to try. Dom has a bit more backbone than that. Yourself and a few others seem to think he should be hysterical.
Canis, dog like? That's not an insult, just you've got me wondering with your name. Sounds like one of more rightful heirs to the Iron Throne in Game of Thrones. I would name him, but I've forgotten it so I'd have to look him up.
Oh, Stannis. Just had a flashback. Thankfully it wasn't that one about the jelly, the rope and the goat.
This is rather a good start. I'm intrigued. No biscuits yet, but I might unlock the cupboard.
Definitely easy to shoot on a budget and fits the theme well. This one has a ĎDown Underí flavor to it; at least, thatís where the wounded Kangaroo took me.
Thanks. I have been Down Under. But the only kangaroo I saw there was asleep in the zoo. This is frankly typical. Most of the animals were fast asleep. Or hiding. The zoo is great, if you like looking at leaves and the occasional horizontal chimp.
Still, I have seen them move on TV. Kangaroos I mean. Loads of stuff moves on TV. You might have too. And it's exactly how Dom would to attempt walk in his current predicament. Minus the tail balancing, naturally.
...where Squidward was smashed in the face with a door so hard, he came out looking like an Adonis, I fear Domís fate may not produce the same results; poor guy, in the wrong place at the wrong time I presume.
Whilst I can't quite empathise enough with you on this, I think I know what you mean. I'm sure you have a valid excuse. You're rather right too. I never thought my scripts would be compared to the Sponge Bob. Still, it could always be worse. You could have picked TOWIE.
Are you still on about SpungyBob? Oh, I see you've moved on. IMH I thought it was spot on given all, he's a bit lost and still concussed. He's not sure what's going on. And he has his own problems previous to this. I liked the idea that Chrissy and Joey might take this as bravado from him. As the Deuce may not be someone so easily intimidated.
I saw later posters also disagreed, but I try to keep it sparse with descriptions when things are moving along, so I don't slow it down. Readers put their own take on characters.
My argument is a decent actor would pull it off no problem. Lines aren't written in stone. If the guy can pull it off then great. I mean the actor acting, stop being dirty.
If they can't, because it doesn't work or they aren't the right type then you try something else. I think it would work, as I've met types like these.
I see comments that just assume one performance in their head, so they assume the writing is wrong. Sometimes they're right. But they're often wrong, as there are subtleties they miss. And I know it'll work. Oh yes.
One minor comment - I really didn't like the character name of CHRISSY - took me a few moments to realize that it was a male rather than a female.
You should get out more. I've loads of friends called Chrissy. They have penises as well. At least I think they do. I haven't checked. Have you heard of the Sopranos? You might have missed it. If so, it was rather good. And it had a character called Chrissy in it for most of its duration. Until Tony suffocated him.
Maybe I should email David Chase and inform him how wrong he was. I could also tell him he was way off with Big Pussy.
I understand that some names are androgynous, Chrissy being among them. I used to think Cameron Diaz was a Scottish bricklayer. However, I did make it pretty clear Chrissy was male from the start.
Rather liked this one. A very smooth, obviously experienced writer.
Bloody hell. I'll be back in a minute. Just gotta nip down the shops and buy a load of cake.
Quoted from wonkavite
Well done, fun. Solid flowing dialogue. It's too early in the reading process for me to tell if this is one of my favorites... but it's certainly a contender.
Brilliant. Full gateaux and croquembouche. With some bisuits. Other reviewers could learn a lot from reading this, or they'll never get any biscuits at all. Fine work, Wonka. I would do a Willy Wonka joke, but it'd ruin the delightful atmosphere.
this one works, although I didn't see the need for running out when there's a sound.
Oh dear. As I said earlier it's to create tension. They're a bit nervous. If you read the previous reviews, obviously you can skip over the biscuit stuff, you'll see why it was there. Then you can come back and all will be forgiven.
Nothing comes of it, and I'm a stickler for making every word and action count.
Hitchcock must drive you potty. All that banter in The Avengers. What was Downey Jr. thinking? And Twin Peaks would have you banging your head against a mirror whilst saying "How's Annie. How's Annie!"
I'm off to watch some David Lynch now. I'll smirk when something weird happens, and think of you.
You describe JOEY as "almost always scowling". How do we know this? Shouldn't be in the description.
You know this because I just told you with the line. It's a description of his expression and how he's gonna look now and for the rest of the script. Hmmm, not in the description, then where should I put it?
You said Chrissy was calm, then he said to the other guy "calm down", then you said he was "as calm as it gets" all in one page. Should fix that.
Oh. I did notice. As I wrote it. I see repetition for stress isn't your thing. Oh dear. I'm obviously not going anywhere near the biscuits anytime soon. I must remain calm. Sorry, placid. Perhaps relaxed.
...but when you have them go out of the elevator when Dom is awake and Crissy comes back to drag Dom back in, the doors closed (on top of the fact that the doors stayed open longer than any elevator I know of)
I'll stop you there, as you tried to slip a dig past me. Obviously you work for Otis or Shindler and have been in elevators all over the world. You'll be more than familiar with those in this building and the card system employed in the key panel. You seem to have forgotten the doors will stay open as long as the writer wishes. They'll also stay open if someone puts their foot beside them. That happened off screen between the lines, when you weren't looking.
...he hears noises again. Did the doors open again? Are they on or off the elevator at this point? Need to clear all of that up.
Are you sure? I know I can be stubborn, as well as cheeky and flippant, but I doubt you have a point here. It's all clear. It worked for loads of people. I reread it a while ago, too. It was brilliant.
In the end, I liked it. Didn't like the dialogue at first but it picked up and each character was defined.
Bloody hell. Strange turn of events. I wasn't expecting that. Mind you, you blew the chance of a bisuit about ten minutes ago. Still, well done. You had me going there for a while. Usually they start with a compliment, then give me a swift kick in the balls when I'm not expecting it.
Very cleverly crafted this one - perhaps the lack of reads is due to it being too subtle for some but I think on screen (with a couple of tweaks/additions) this'd work a treat.
Exactly. This is what I've been trying to tell them all. If only they were all as wise. The ones who didn't like it I mean. Look at them, all stood in the corner and on the naughty step, or staring at their reflections in spoons, wondering where their biscuits are.
Great opening - nice tension evoked and I could really picture it all playing out on screen. Here we have a couple of goons and a kidnapped man - (also beaten up), about to get on elevator to meet the boss-man and then they panic when they realize they've got the wrong guy. Priceless.
Indeed. Do you owe me money or something? Anyways, obviously I'm breaking out the chocolate biscuits, almost went without saying. But it didn't.
Dom attempting to escape creates suspense as does the elevator opening at random times on random floors, but I think perhaps a bit more could have been done with this and you really should do it after the OWC, i.e., repost it in 'Shorts'.
Ooh I don't know. It was all going swimmingly up to here. I like it as it is. I do.
This is great characterization - elevates it so the goons are not one-dimensional with their dialogue. When you inject little touches like this I do think it takes the characters to another level (little elevator pun there too ) - Even the dumbest guy will pick up some highfalutin words every now and again, even a not too bright gangster, and if this story was longer I imagine a few of those words or phrases would creep in and be part of this character's repertoire, so good job there.
[quote=LC]The bossman - John Feltz - who we never see - that's a good touch and all part of a nicely thought out narrative.
You got back on track. Well done. I like it when people in stories don't do the obvious. It's too easy, and it's all been done before many times.
As for the character's name - Chrissy (which Dave commented on) this is what I imagine gangsters do, as with real life - the guy's real name is probably Christopher but here it's shortened - it's about being mates and camaraderie. It might pull some up when reading but on screen I reckon it would work really well.
Course it would. Worked with Christopher Moltisanti for years. I think some neglect to remember what they are reading is intended to be filmed.
The only thing I didn't get - I don't know what they meant at the end, didn't get the last line. It kind
of has abrupt ending for me. Still it's a very nice short, a fun read actually.
Eh? I thought it was self explanatory. Poor old Dom *SPOILER AHEAD* looks a lot like who they should be bringing up to Feltz. But not quite enough. So they're gonna knock him round until he does look like him, or the difference can't be spotted. SPOILER NO MORE.
The getting out on the random floor just because of a noise just didnít work for me. Chrissy had no reason to go investigate.
That's your next shandy out the window. I think Chrissy had lots of reasons to investigate. I've stated some of them in previous responses, in amongst the biscuit stuff. You'll end up in the corner looking into a spoon if you're not careful.