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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Deuce - OWC
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  Author    The Deuce - OWC  (currently 7187 views)
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Alright Renners,

The opening lines disturbed the tranquil centre of my mind. It read wrong, like you'd broken some ungodly law of writing nature. I think it's because you start with nouns, and then start sticking verbs in there. Muffled voices. A distant siren. Engine revs???  Or An Engine revving??? Instead of an engine revs?  You are going from specific noises to actions...which weirded me out.

I read it a few times, trying to bring sense to my increasingly chaotic world, but there were red faces at the windows with chattering teeth and I'd already peeled off my own fingernails, so I didn't know which way was up by the end. Maybe you were right all along.

You are a very proficient writer. Your scripts always have the "mass" of a professional. They feel solid in your hands. Glossy. Like polished teak. Images flood into one's consciousness unbidden, looking as smart and swanky as any Hollywood flick. That's got to be a good thing.

Tone is excellent. Guy Ritchie vibe.

"CHRISSY
You can ravish him for all I care."

Great line.

Characters are familiar, but they work.


Page 4, doors opening...good beat.

Initial feeling when I got to the end was one of disappointment. The build up was so expert, that I was expecting some huge pay off rather than just the comedy of them beating the guy to look like the Deuce.

Then I thought it was clever.

I don't really know and I don't want to see those red faces at the window again.

Rick
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rendevous
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Rick. I'll come back to this in time. Meanwhile....


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Pretty good.


Exactly. Bit mild. But, considering the previous posts, a massive leap forward in terms that will affect us all for the better. You should pep it up a bit next time. Think big, think shiny. Think ooooh.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
SPOILERS

Simple, a little obvious as an idea, but I liked it. Nice little finish. Indeed, I think that is a very sound finish.


I thank you kind sir. It wasn't that obvious. But you're evidently hugely intelligent, and extremely well read. I would mention your looks, but I feel this is neither the time, nor the venue. Give me a call later. I'll bring the special stuff.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
When dealing with banter, a couple of 'guys' ion a job etc, it can be wearing etc but I think you handled this in an accomplished manner.


I'll bring lots of special stuff. And the slightly scary stuff. Many thanks, fella. I did work on it, and I did try it out loud. The dialogue I mean. Much to my next door neighbour's amusement.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Ok, we could point at a few holes, but decent work.

Well done.


No, we really don't have any time to point out any holes. This really isn't that type of place. Many thanks again. It is nice to be appreciated. I'm glad you enjoyed it. For a while there I thought you were softening me up only to give me a kicking. Mind you, the night is still young...


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rendevous
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
It was okay.  It didn't work for me.  It took to long to get to the point at the end.

6/10


Thanks for commenting, Dan. You like to keep it brief, don't you? They don't charge by the word here, you know. You're confusing it with the classifieds in those magazines.

Sadly, your comments didn't really work for me at all. They took too short a time to take seriously.

4/10


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DanC
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 12:43am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rendevous


Thanks for commenting, Dan. You like to keep it brief, don't you? They don't charge by the word here, you know. You're confusing it with the classifieds in those magazines.

Sadly, your comments didn't really work for me at all. They took too short a time to take seriously.

4/10


Hey I take offense.  THOSE magazines are way more expensive then what you make them out to be.  Wait, that wasn't what I was supposed to admit,

Man, I'm waiting for that cash from that nice prince from some country that I can't pronounce that has no money options unless i save him and his 2BIL by sending him 50.00 in the mail.  

Seriously, that's makes as much sense as the idea for Pixels, but, at least I plan to see pixels, I won't ever see my 50 again, will I????

Just once, I wish one of these princes I send cash to would live up to their promise...

Seriously, you're right Rend.  And I am sorry.  For the next challenge, I will certainly take my time with all the entries.  I thought we had like 72 hrs to read everything, not 2 weeks.  I should have given your story, and a few others the respect and longer detailed explanation it deserved.

So, I'm giving you a get out of Dan free card.  This entitles you to a message, wait, wrong website again,  gotta keep this stuff straight.  It entitles you to one free read at any time of your choice.  You ask, I read, no matter how long it is, except there is one rule, it must be a screenplay and something you wrote, I ain't reading war and freaking peace...

Deals?
Friends?
At least Deals???

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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rendevous
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 3:29am Report to Moderator
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Dan,

You're often more obscure than me. And I can go well off on one, on occasion.

I wasn't offended by your review. I rarely am. Some fools do try to offend. They fail. I've worked on building sites. Some nitwit on a website with an axe to grind is a mere irritant compared to a drunk Scotsman with a Stihl saw who's taken exception to my own peculiar brand of cheek. It taught me to get a thicker skin. Not to mention run very fast indeed.

The vast majority, including you, don't offend. The internet is not the best place for those who do easily take offence

There's no worries. If you're determined, you can read whichever one takes your fancy. As long as you're honest, you can say whatever you like. Just bear in mind I always retain the right to reply.

If you want suggestions - try Blood Group. It's linked in my signature. If that's too long try The Sandwich, which is here.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Then I thought it was clever.


Just read your review again, Rick. I'm going to print it out and put it in the bathroom.

I'll respond in full soon as promised. In the mean time...


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Well written in the main,


Oh yes. A full pack of Family Choice Main Selection. However, I'm quite ready to put it all away as you may be merely getting us all ready for a full force punch right in the balls.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
but there's a few odd choices for words in the dialogue that don't seem in keeping with the characters... e.g. Lordy, ravish, so base.


Oh, you just tickled them. I've hung about with all sorts. You'd be surprised what comes out of their mouths. I knew a mean looking guy who liked to use the word epiphany.

He obviously had no real idea what it really meant. He bandied it about instead of 'idea'.

Me - Fancy a pint?

Him - Now that's not a bad epiphany. Let's go.

I would have told him, but he often got a bit handy when he got corrected.

The other side to this is why do certain characters always have to talk in cliches or I get pulled up on it? It takes all sorts. I like my characters to be a little less predictable.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Dom seems a little casual with his predicament, imho there should be begging and pleading!


Why? Because that's what you expect. He's concussed, unsure and he's in a confined space with hard looking lads with guns.

But he's still smart enough to know pleading and begging isn't goint to help. I think most people would save that to the very end, when there's nothing else left to try. Dom has a bit more backbone than that. Yourself and a few others seem to think he should be hysterical.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
The mistaken identity is funny and works well, the end line is funny, if not a little un realistic as they'll get found out that he's not the Deuce... or is that me over analysing

Anthony


That is you over analysing. Many thanks. Two rich teas and a milk digestive.

R


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rendevous  -  June 8th, 2015, 3:54am
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rendevous
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Quoted from Gum
Another quick read with realistic overtones.


Canis, dog like? That's not an insult, just you've got me wondering with your name. Sounds like one of more rightful heirs to the Iron Throne in Game of Thrones. I would name him, but I've forgotten it so I'd have to look him up.

Oh, Stannis. Just had a flashback. Thankfully it wasn't that one about the jelly, the rope and the goat.

This is rather a good start. I'm intrigued. No biscuits yet, but I might unlock the cupboard.


Quoted from Gum
Definitely easy to shoot on a budget and fits the theme well.  This one has a ĎDown Underí flavor to it; at least, thatís where the wounded Kangaroo took me.


Thanks. I have been Down Under. But the only kangaroo I saw there was asleep in the zoo. This is frankly typical. Most of the animals were fast asleep. Or hiding. The zoo is great, if you like looking at leaves and the occasional horizontal chimp.

Still, I have seen them move on TV. Kangaroos I mean. Loads of stuff moves on TV. You might have too. And it's exactly how Dom would to attempt walk in his current predicament. Minus the tail balancing, naturally.


Quoted from Gum
I watched a Sponge Bob episode (thatís right),


I'm sure it is. Sorry to stop you there, but you're definitely on your own now, son.


Quoted from Gum
...where Squidward was smashed in the face with a door so hard, he came out looking like an Adonis, I fear Domís fate may not produce the same results; poor guy, in the wrong place at the wrong time I presume.


Whilst I can't quite empathise enough with you on this, I think I know what you mean. I'm sure you have a valid excuse. You're rather right too. I never thought my scripts would be compared to the Sponge Bob. Still, it could always be worse. You could have picked TOWIE.


Quoted from Gum
His (Domís) dialog also suffered a bit IMO.


Are you still on about SpungyBob? Oh, I see you've moved on. IMH I thought it was spot on given all, he's a bit lost and still concussed. He's not sure what's going on. And he has his own problems previous to this. I liked the idea that Chrissy and Joey might take this as bravado from him. As the Deuce may not be someone so easily intimidated.

I saw later posters also disagreed, but I try to keep it sparse with descriptions when things are moving along, so I don't slow it down. Readers put their own take on characters.

My argument is a decent actor would pull it off no problem. Lines aren't written in stone. If the guy can pull it off then great. I mean the actor acting, stop being dirty.

If they can't, because it doesn't work or they aren't the right type then you try something else. I think it would work, as I've met types like these.

I see comments that just assume one performance in their head, so they assume the writing is wrong. Sometimes they're right. But they're often wrong, as there are subtleties they miss. And I know it'll work. Oh yes.


Quoted from Gum
He just seemed to be too nonchalant in his approach, whereas most people in that situation would come off as sniveling fools and such.


I see. God forbid I try another approach. Read the above to see if you feel the same way. You probably do, but I tried.


Quoted from Gum
Other than that nitpick, this had a cool and suave atmosphere that would shine if you found the right goons for the part.


Ooh. You pulled it back at the last moment. Custard cream or pink fancy?

Well done. Many thanks.

R


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rendevous
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Quoted from eldave1
One minor comment - I really didn't like the character name of CHRISSY - took me a few moments to realize that it was a male rather than a female.


You should get out more. I've loads of friends called Chrissy. They have penises as well. At least I think they do. I haven't checked. Have you heard of the Sopranos? You might have missed it. If so, it was rather good. And it had a character called Chrissy in it for most of its duration. Until Tony suffocated him.

Maybe I should email David Chase and inform him how wrong he was. I could also tell him he was way off with Big Pussy.

I understand that some names are androgynous, Chrissy being among them. I used to think Cameron Diaz was a Scottish bricklayer. However, I did make it pretty clear Chrissy was male from the start.


Quoted from eldave1
In terms of the story itself - although I thought the ending was very clever - I thought it took way too long to get there without a lot if interesting stuff happening in between.


Thanks. And then you take off the velvet glove to twist my testicles. Not literally of course. I'd have to pay for that type of thing. Not really up my alley. Steady.

I thought it was interesting. But then I would do. And it would film beautifully. Think about it again. Now, go and stand in the corner.

Have you changed your mind?

No? Back in the corner for you.

If you don't come back with a different attitude we'll have sit you on the naughty step. You get half a bourbon, and the mere corner of a garibaldi. I'm gonna have a full one.

R


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Quoted from wonkavite
Rather liked this one.  A very smooth, obviously experienced writer.


Bloody hell. I'll be back in a minute. Just gotta nip down the shops and buy a load of cake.


Quoted from wonkavite
Well done, fun.  Solid flowing dialogue.  It's too early in the reading process for me to tell if this is one of my favorites... but it's certainly a contender.  


Brilliant. Full gateaux and croquembouche. With some bisuits. Other reviewers could learn a lot from reading this, or they'll never get any biscuits at all. Fine work, Wonka. I would do a Willy Wonka joke, but it'd ruin the delightful atmosphere.

R


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rendevous
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Quoted from RichardR
this one works, although I didn't see the need for running out when there's a sound.


Oh dear. As I said earlier it's to create tension. They're a bit nervous. If you read the previous reviews, obviously you can skip over the biscuit stuff, you'll see why it was there. Then you can come back and all will be forgiven.


Quoted from RichardR
  Nothing comes of it, and I'm a stickler for making every word and action count.


Hitchcock must drive you potty. All that banter in The Avengers. What was Downey Jr. thinking? And Twin Peaks would have you banging your head against a mirror whilst saying "How's Annie. How's Annie!"

I'm off to watch some David Lynch now. I'll smirk when something weird happens, and think of you.  


Quoted from RichardR
   Otherwise, this is very readable and works well.  I even like their improvisation.

Best
Richard


You pulled it back at the end there. Half a garabaldi. And a Jammie Dodger, minus the jam of course.

R


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khamanna
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Congrats, ren. I liked it a lot, but in the end went meaner and decided to give it a consider instead of recommend. Being too nice to people is not my thing - sorry.

But this was both funny and suspenseful. I'd put it under a comedy - it really is.
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Khamanna,

I'll discuss the huge mistake you mentioned later. This is exactly how empires fall.

Until then...


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
Congrats on entering.


Thanks! I've done it before, you know. Not sure congratulations are necessary.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
You describe JOEY as "almost always scowling".  How do we know this?  Shouldn't be in the description.  


You know this because I just told you with the line. It's a description of his expression and how he's gonna look now and for the rest of the script. Hmmm, not in the description, then where should I put it?


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
Don't like the description of DOM and then saying, "This is DOM."  Should name him, then describe him.  It will read better.  


Oh no it won't. I didn't want you to know his name straight away. I want you to see what state he's in first. Then you get the name. That way you'll remember it.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
You said Chrissy was calm, then he said to the other guy "calm down", then you said he was "as calm as it gets" all in one page.  Should fix that.  


Oh. I did notice. As I wrote it. I see repetition for stress isn't your thing. Oh dear. I'm obviously not going anywhere near the biscuits anytime soon. I must remain calm. Sorry, placid. Perhaps relaxed.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
Also, things like "fidgets with impatience" and the like are all throughout the script.  Just say he fidgets.  


No. I can't. My conscience tells me I can't. My logic tells me I can't. I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror. Sorry about the repetition there. But it adds to the rhythm.

If it just said 'he fidgets' it could be for just the sake of it. The way I said it points out why. It adds, you see.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
A bit nit-picky...


Well Jeremiah, I hate to agree with you about this but... Sorry, stopped you mid sentence...


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
...but when you have them go out of the elevator when Dom is awake and Crissy comes back to drag Dom back in, the doors closed (on top of the fact that the doors stayed open longer than any elevator I know of)


I'll stop you there, as you tried to slip a dig past me. Obviously you work for Otis or Shindler and have been in elevators all over the world. You'll be more than familiar with those in this building and the card system employed in the key panel. You seem to have forgotten the doors will stay open as long as the writer wishes. They'll also stay open if someone puts their foot beside them. That happened off screen between the lines, when you weren't looking.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
...he hears noises again. Did the doors open again?  Are they on or off the elevator at this point?  Need to clear all of that up.


Are you sure? I know I can be stubborn, as well as cheeky and flippant, but I doubt you have a point here. It's all clear. It worked for loads of people. I reread it a while ago, too. It was brilliant.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
In the end, I liked it.  Didn't like the dialogue at first but it picked up and each character was defined.  


Bloody hell. Strange turn of events. I wasn't expecting that. Mind you, you blew the chance of a bisuit about ten minutes ago. Still, well done. You had me going there for a while. Usually they start with a compliment, then give me a swift kick in the balls when I'm not expecting it.


Quoted from Jeremiah Johnson
Kind of reminded my of Sam Jackson and Travolta characters in Pulp Fiction.  It would suck to be Dom!!  Clear up some of the above, and it's not to expensive to film.  Good luck with this one.


Indeed it would suck to be Dom. Other than that, thanks very much. Half a hobnob.

R


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Quoted from LC
Very cleverly crafted this one - perhaps the lack of reads is due to it being too subtle for some but I think on screen (with a couple of tweaks/additions) this'd work a treat.


Exactly. This is what I've been trying to tell them all. If only they were all as wise. The ones who didn't like it I mean. Look at them, all stood in the corner and on the naughty step, or staring at their reflections in spoons, wondering where their biscuits are.


Quoted from LC
SPOILERS BELOW:

Great opening - nice tension evoked and I could really picture it all playing out on screen. Here we have a couple of goons and a kidnapped man - (also beaten up), about to get on elevator to meet the boss-man and then they panic when they realize they've got the wrong guy. Priceless.


Indeed. Do you owe me money or something? Anyways, obviously I'm breaking out the chocolate biscuits, almost went without saying. But it didn't.


Quoted from LC
There's a few really nice chuckle out loud moments in this, complete with back and forth banter and insults between Joey and Chrissy.

I suspect a few of the asides people will either love or hate, but I think they're in keeping with the overall tone of the piece and they add colour imh.


I think good asides breathe more life into a script. And mine were great, weren't they? Oh yes. Just cleaning my trumpet. As no doubt I'll be blowing it again soon.


Quoted from LC
Dom attempting to escape creates suspense as does the elevator opening at random times on random floors, but I think perhaps a bit more could have been done with this and you really should do it after the OWC, i.e., repost it in 'Shorts'.


Ooh I don't know. It was all going swimmingly up to here. I like it as it is. I do.


Quoted from LC
JOEY
Thereís no need to be so, so base.


This is great characterization - elevates it so the goons are not one-dimensional with their dialogue. When you inject little touches like this I do think it takes the characters to another level (little elevator pun there too ) - Even the dumbest guy will pick up some highfalutin words every now and again, even a not too bright gangster, and if this story was longer I imagine a few of those words or phrases would creep in and be part of this character's repertoire, so good job there.

[quote=LC]The bossman - John Feltz - who we never see - that's a good touch and all part of a nicely thought out narrative.


You got back on track. Well done. I like it when people in stories don't do the obvious. It's too easy, and it's all been done before many times.


Quoted from LC
As for the character's name - Chrissy (which Dave commented on) this is what I imagine gangsters do, as with real life - the guy's real name is probably Christopher but here it's shortened - it's about being mates and camaraderie. It might pull some up when reading but on screen I reckon it would work really well.


Course it would. Worked with Christopher Moltisanti for years. I think some neglect to remember what they are reading is intended to be filmed.


Quoted from LC
Loved the visual of Dom in dressing gown and one slipper - conjures up him being nabbed while probably enjoying a nice quiet night in with his wife in front of the telly.

This is obviously written by someone who knows his or her stuff. Ticks all the boxes as far as 'in and around an elevator' and is definitely low budget. I thoroughly enjoyed this.

You woulda' definitely  had a 'recommend' from me if I could vote.


A forgivable mistake. Now you just have to have a quiet word with Khamanna and point out the huge error she made. There's another biscuit in it for you.

Wonderful stuff. I couldn't have written it better myself. Apart from that bit about the lift stopping, almost flawless.

R


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Quoted from khamanna
I really liked this one.


And who can blame you? Another woman with sense. I rarely meet two women so soon after each other who don't run away very quickly. Still, the night is young.

You obviously have excellent taste. Well done.


Quoted from khamanna
I liked the fact that everything is explained and I don't have questions at the end.


Perfect. Next thing you'll be buying me chocolates and jewelry.


Quoted from khamanna
The writing helped - I didn't have questions here, everything was easy to visualize. And thank you for not

breaking the dialog with action every other line - I see that a lot lately, but not here  


Yes. I'm bloody good, aren't I? My trumpet needs cleaning again.


Quoted from khamanna
Funny at places - a kind of funny that only compliments this kind of script.


Indeed. I had to edit out all the biscuit stuff. Didn't fit. I'm making up for it in my responses. Another fig roll?


Quoted from khamanna
The only thing I didn't get - I don't know what they meant at the end, didn't get the last line. It kind

of has abrupt ending for me. Still it's a very nice short, a fun read actually.


Eh? I thought it was self explanatory. Poor old Dom *SPOILER AHEAD* looks a lot like who they should be bringing up to Feltz. But not quite enough. So they're gonna knock him round until he does look like him, or the difference can't be spotted. SPOILER NO MORE.

Anyways, many thanks. Most appreciated.

R


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Quoted from Stumpzian

Well-constructed, excellent premise, perfect ending.


Precisely. Take a seat. Never mind the biscuits, you can stay for dinner. LC and Khamanna have cleaned me out of biscuits. They were like ravenous wolves with my tins. I should have filmed it.


Quoted from Stumpzian
The interplay between Joey and Chrissy is funny, authentic.


I thank you.


Quoted from Stumpzian
A couple of lines seemed off ("No need to be so base" and "why've you bound me?"). However, once I read an earlier comment about the former (from  LC), I buy it.


Well bought. I was just on my way back to the kitchen with your dinner plate. But you can sit back down now. Had me worried there for a moment.


Quoted from Stumpzian
The pace slows toward the middle with the stop, but I think it's a misdirection that makes the ending more effective.


Spot on, son. Pass the salt. Gravy?


Quoted from Stumpzian
Names are great: Dom, Chrissy.

Overall: Thumbs up.


Brilliant. What do fancy for pudding? Then we're off to the pub to meet LC and Khamanna. They're buying.

R


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rendevous
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 3:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Another good one that matches the challenge. Iím on a roll here!


Ooh. Another one for the pub...


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
I too thought Chrissy was female at first.


...but you're only having a half. I could understand this more, if he was called Janet.

Women on the brain, methinks. Now that is understandable.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Great banter between the two, a little annoying at first until they get into the elevator but then I was into the flow.


Half a shandy. A little annoying? If you apologise for that bit you'll get a bag of peanuts too.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
Dom was funny (Iím the wrong guy, am I? lol!) I thought he was playing them, so Iím glad you didnít have him really be the Deuce as the twist as thatís obvious.


Indeed. I see most got a surprise in the end, which is always a plus. That line you mention is one of my own favourites too. Poor old Dom.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
The getting out on the random floor just because of a noise just didnít work for me. Chrissy had no reason to go investigate.


That's your next shandy out the window. I think Chrissy had lots of reasons to investigate. I've stated some of them in previous responses, in amongst the biscuit stuff. You'll end up in the corner looking into a spoon if you're not careful.


Quoted from MarkRenshaw
But I really liked the rest of it and the end was very Tarrintino, over the top but worked a treat.

Congrats, Iím starting to get a list of favorites now Ė itís going to be tough to choose.

-Mark  


I hope you chose correctly. Have a pint on me now, lad. Many thanks.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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