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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Necro File - OWC
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  Author    The Necro File - OWC  (currently 6666 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Necro File by Dunkin Ho Nuts - Short, Erotic Horror - A sexually inexperienced assistant to the coroner becomes stuck on an elevator with the corpse of a beautiful young woman and, well, first love is never easy, is it? 8 pages - pdf, format


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Dustin
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Off to a great start with the log.

OK, not bad. I liked that. I think you could have avoided horror altogether here if he carried her off afterwards... that way it would appear that her resurrection was all in his mind.

I'll give this a 7.


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was, umm, interesting.

I don't understand why that happened.  but, I guess love finds a way??

I agree with Dustin 7/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Dan
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Pale Yellow
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say that I love the title on this one and the logline. That often shapes how I go into a story and even how I feel through the story.

The character development here with Wade was well done(better than most shorts I've ever read). Wade is inexperienced with everything....autopsy...love and especially love.

The organic set up with the other guys talking about the looker corpse that Wade is to take up the elevator feels naturally woven into the story. We know something necro is going to happen, we just do, but the mid part of the story has a clever way of playing with the audience. The writer has us thinking one way ...then turns us another. This is very very good writing in the middle part of this script IMO. Often this is where most fail, but I believe it's the strongest point of this script.

Then the twisty part where instead of Wade doing the dirty...the corpse does. Very very clever and I loved that part even though I HATE sex in a short. I usually think it's a cheap gimmick often loved by the readers here, however, but the way it was done here...I think it fit(in a fucked up sort'a way).

Great part when she kills Wade. I mean he's so pathetic, we don't really care if she kills him at that point. But I love them running off together ...that visual with him in his socks made me laugh. Feel good moment after the bizarre elevator ride.

Great job, writer.
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DS
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Flashback to the the main OWC thread:



Nope?
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Max
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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I do agree with the setup being organic, a bunch of lads doing an autopsy... mocking the loser of the group, taking the piss and all that.

It works on that level straight away.

The ending was a nice picture, the socks was a nice touch. I think the action was maybe... a bit too spaced out? Not sure what others think about it but I would've grouped a few more of the action lines together.

However, on the other hand, each line is a beat so it does dictate the length of said "sexual encounter" if you even want to call it that lol.

I've read about 3 or 4 scripts so far, each one of them... written very clearly and this was too. I'm really happy with some of the work I've read so far, potential for greatness.

A question: Were we allowed to use locations outside of the elevator?


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stevemiles
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, you had me at ‘A sexually inexperienced assistant to the coroner...’  I think this should win something for the log alone.  Love it, though I’m wondering if I’ll regret reading…

All the talk of Wade’s inexperience feels a little overdone.  Interested to see who wrote this -- for the writing style alone.  Think it works here given the gradual build-up to Wade’s ‘deed’.

By the time Wade started the kiss I thought I had this all figured out -- but then you went and took it somewhere else.  

Not sure how I feel about the payoff, as it didn’t quite seem to compliment the set-up.  
Think the corpse turning the tables on Wade, yet having him live could have worked better for me.  Leaving poor Wade with that as his first sexual encounter lends a certain touch of irony.  Though you took an altogether different route -- and they ‘lived’ happily ever after...

I liked it, not even sure you took it far enough given the premise… though perhaps a good thing?  Some might argue the in/around the elevator location was stretched here.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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DS
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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I'll join the ranks for the logline appreciation. The way I see it this one was never intended for production, instead just to be a bit of an out there OWC entry and I think it did a good job at being that. I'm still unsure whether I liked it or not, but other than personal like/dislike I have nothing negative to say anyway. A very interesting take.

I'm also going to go ahead and guess that this is the number 5 Don had in mind. I'm not sure whether this fit the location parameters or not.


Quoted from SimplyScripts
5. There is one script that did and didn't meet the requirements, but it was a so out of the box interpretation of the theme that I had to include it.
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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DS
I'll join the ranks for the logline appreciation. The way I see it this one was never intended for production, instead just to be a bit of an out there OWC entry and I think it did a good job at being that. I'm still unsure whether I liked it or not, but other than personal like/dislike I have nothing negative to say anyway. A very interesting take.

I'm also going to go ahead and guess that this is the number 5 Don had in mind. I'm not sure whether this fit the location parameters or not.



I don't think this is that script that didn't fit the guideline.  I think it was that short about the elevators and Alice, the girl who gets abused.

At least, that was my impression of what story didn't fit in.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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rendevous
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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Grim title. In many ways.

I was enjoying the early scenes, probably for all the wrong reasons as they weren't in a lift. Which is a shame.

It's very dark. But it's well written and thought out. There was a lot of telling going on, but I know it's about the only way you can describe those scenes without resorting to camera directions.

One of the better ones.

R



Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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The execution is what made this work. I thought it was a great decision to get the reader to side with Wade first. Weird to say, Wade earned his romantic quest here.

Dialogue was mostly great, but every now and then a miss with pacing.

Overall I'm mixed, the ending felt like a coming of age story. However, I 'm impressed by the setup and tone achieved with the sexy writing in the elevator.
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DS
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC


I don't think this is that script that didn't fit the guideline.  I think it was that short about the elevators and Alice.

At least, that was my impression of what story didn't fit in.


Yeah, good point. Not sure why I thought this one was it. I don't think it's off the parameters at all really anymore. Even if it is, just a little. I missed the mark there.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on your entry.

Your writing is very good.  The opening scene really flowed and could visualize it.  Not really a fan of the content but kept me reading until the end.  Not many mistakes so good job.  The ending really didn't work for me but not bad really.  Overall, good writing and could easily be made.  Good luck.


My Scripts:
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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It took me a while to get into this as the opening scene with the ME just didn't ring true as I didn't buy that he'd tolerate or be involved in such horsing around whilst he's carrying out an autopsy.

Improved when we get to the elevator section, though I had to look up 'gams'...

I didn't understand why we get the following line half way through, when the elevator has stopped already...
He pulls the emergency stop on the panel. A distant alarm.

Is this a remnant from an earlier draft?

Wasn't convinced by the end... he's molesting her corpse and she decides to create an eternal lover... who'd already been identified as being out of his league... hmmm not entirely convinced.

But overall well written, and you gotta love a story that has the balls to bring necrophilia into it... wonder where my copy of Nekromantik is?

Anthony



Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Great title - great log line.

I found this one just bordering on the outside the limits for the contest - about one third of it takes place outside the elevator.

The action (let's say the interchange) in the elevator was handled extremely well.

Not a huge fan of the ending.

Overall - a real solid effort here.  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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