Quoted from DanC I don't think this is that script that didn't fit the guideline.  I think it was that short about the elevators and Alice, the girl who gets abused. At least, that was my impression of what story didn't fit in.

Totally opposite view on my part - recheck the Alice script. The camera never leaves the elevator. All of the father's dialogue is V.O.

what I liked:

- An actual attempt to make necrophilia seem erotic! That's kinda weird. The character violating the corpse is even kind of sympathetic. Or just pathetic? lol But at some point you almost want him to touch the dead girl. I think. Hey, hard to disappoint a corpse, right? They almost never complain or want to cuddle.
- I'm old enough to get the Tom Petty remark. I guess that makes me old.
- the ending: Wade gets what he wants, though it comes with a price; at least he's not alone now. Nor inexperienced!

what needs work:

- There is a tonal problem. The first two pages show Wade being picked on by everyone else in the ME's office, even the ME. That creates a tone of humor. But then the tone is totally different on the elevator. It's dark and squeamishly erotic. No humor. Tonal shifts are the mark of amateur writing, one of the most common marks of the beginner. The tone is kind of recaptured though in the last couple of brief scenes. Another switch maybe. I don't know. Maybe the shifts aren't too much of a problem with the right actor playing Wade. I would suggest avoiding tonal shifts in future work.

character investment:

- we don't know much about Wade, but we have a sense of him from his being picked on; from his fear of the corpse which turns to curiosity and then strange lust mixed with guilt. He has no dialogue it seems. That's different for a protag.

Bonus: there is a happy ending before the ending! And they do say a man dies with a...well, let's leave it alone.

Quoted from JSimon what I liked: - An actual attempt to make necrophilia seem erotic! That's kinda weird. The character violating the corpse is even kind of sympathetic. Or just pathetic? lol But at some point you almost want him to touch the dead girl. I think. Hey, hard to disappoint a corpse, right? They almost never complain or want to cuddle. - I'm old enough to get the Tom Petty remark. I guess that makes me old. - the ending: Wade gets what he wants, though it comes with a price; at least he's not alone now. Nor inexperienced! what needs work: - There is a tonal problem. The first two pages show Wade being picked on by everyone else in the ME's office, even the ME. That creates a tone of humor. But then the tone is totally different on the elevator. It's dark and squeamishly erotic. No humor. Tonal shifts are the mark of amateur writing, one of the most common marks of the beginner. The tone is kind of recaptured though in the last couple of brief scenes. Another switch maybe. I don't know. Maybe the shifts aren't too much of a problem with the right actor playing Wade. I would suggest avoiding tonal shifts in future work. character investment: - we don't know much about Wade, but we have a sense of him from his being picked on; from his fear of the corpse which turns to curiosity and then strange lust mixed with guilt. He has no dialogue it seems. That's different for a protag. Bonus: there is a happy ending before the ending! And they do say a man dies with a...well, let's leave it alone.

I got the Tom Petty too.  I would have gone with Cold Ethyl myself, or Alice Cooper, but, eh, to each...

I will also add that there is nothing like a cold one after dinner, right?

And, one more for the road, but, other bonuses are:  They never get a headache, never complain, don't need gifts, don't need their hands held, and are easy to please, and are always ready...

Yeah, I'll go now.

This one works, but I have to admit I thought it was a setup.  I figured the 'dead' girl wasn't and the guys would watch the seduction of wade via some hidden camera.  A prank. Instead we get some sort of vampire aura, someone who never dies and converts others. I guess the reference to the Feds indicates that she is something different. I think there's a touch too much levity in the room, but then I have never been in one. The levity made me anticipate the prank.

Good job
Best
Richard

It shifted in tone for me when they got inside the elevator - don't know if it's a good thing. Perhaps nothing serious.

I wish he knew her before he started checking her out - it's hard to stick with a character who checks out a dead person. Not like he glanced at her, he lifted the thing, unstapled it or something (don't remember exactly I read it and then read another two or three). Then they are together and I'm not happy for them because there's no story between them.
So, that's mainly my complaint here.

“If I was gonna Tom Petty one she’d be my first draft pick”

Lol, I remember that video! … one of his (Tom’s) best . This line actually set a more palatable mood for what actually transpired. I kept seeing the dead woman with Kim Basinger’s face on it, which works for me.


I’m not sure where the supernatural angle came from. IMO there could have been a little something injected into the script to give that nuance a spark, maybe even the elevator lights dimming in and out for a brief moment... just an afterthought really.

I was working in a large health care facility (HSC), and was travelling up in an elevator in the labs department. When I hit floor 2; I actually got locked down (in the elevator) so an ME could transport a corpse up a few floors. Believe it or not, the ME was a very good looking woman; this made the experience even more awkward. So dude, this entire script resonates well with me, it’s full of potential.

I loved the final scene, of this deranged, love struck necrophiliac running nude into the green sunny field with his first girlfriend; that was the icing on the cake!

This was well handled.

Ok, the subject matter is 'different' but you made a story out of it.

I think enough was focused on the lift not to worry about the extra locations. Many seem to have taken a flexible view to the criteria, as is often the case. We all need a bit of creativity on these matters.

The banter before hand worked and help set up the lift. Not too much to distract, enough to set it up.

In the lift, wade and his advances made me cringe. Well done. It showed emotional connection - NO I don't want to do the same, I was just saying, I felt something. And NO not that. Sick mind you have

Black eyed girl, didn't so work for me, but I love the idea of him running away with her. Still dead.

Well, an EXTREMELY squeamish topic, obviously.  Solid writing.  Good beats.  If it were me, I'd rework the ending a touch.  And I *certainly* wouldn't be focusing on the protag's socks!    

Also, it might be worthwhile to be a bit clearer re: what mythos (if any) you're working with.  Is she a vampire?  A ghoul?  Have they become disembodied spirits?  (Though I doubt it, if both bodies disappear from the elevator.)  

But all in all - creepy and decent  

Captivating first page!
Captivating script, breeze to read.
Enjoyed this one, my favourite so far.

The ending, probably not so great. It works, and it's fine, but I just wanted something more "surprising".

Great job.

I thought we were heading for a setup from the coroner and the other nob assistants, so thanks for not going down the obvious route.

You handle such a disturbing scenario with charm, dignity and grace. This could have been a real awkward read but it wasn’t. All I will say about the section in the elevator, the way you’ve written it is to establish pace, and I get that. It just took me out of the screenplay with so many short camera directions spread across pages of single sentences.  I started to drift so it was a big surprise when I found her risen from the dead, had to go back half a page to catch where it happened.

There’s no explanation for the event, so it comes out of left field but it’s a well written piece, which managed to have an emotional impact on me, despite such a difficult subject matter to tackle, so very well done.

Does it qualify? I suppose it might. The rules said, in or around an elevator and you needed some way to explain why he was in an elevator with a corpse. There’s plenty of entries who’ve strayed far further than this so I’ll say OK on this one.

-Mark

This writer makes me think of an old Seinfeld exchange in which George Costanza has said or done something outlandish. Elaine (or Jerry) says: What did your parents DO to you?"

Just kidding.

We all know necrophilia exists. Wade doesn't have this condition, though; otherwise he wouldn't be so squeamish watching an autopsy. (Or maybe he's just a confused young man, conflicted about his feelings; am I pro-life or am I pro...dead?)

Anyway, I know this is supposed to be over the top. It is.

The writer is a pro, although, as a Woody Allen character once said, "There are a few things I would've done differently, but who cares!"

2nd to last entry for me, so if I can stay in, I'll be detailed.

Well, looks like we got ourselves a problem right out of the old proverbial gate - no elevator.

Next problem is the fact that we have an autopsy going on that isn't shown, meaning the scene hasn't been set.

Hmmm, of 4 peeps on the autoposy, and 2 are mid 20's and 1 is 19...doesn't seem to make sense to me, but I'll try and stay in.

I'm not a big fan of the early dialogue, but I'm still here.

Very strange how we get a description of Wade 1/2 a page after he's been intro'd.  This is a mistake any way you look at it.  Intro your characters immediately, and include as mush or as little description as you want, but don't do it 1/2 a page later.

"His hands are dirty with blood and gore though." - IMO, this is an odd line.  It's a tell of sorts.

Page 2 - Since teh scene was never properly set, we have no idea where anyone or anything is, so it's imossible for me to visualize Wade grabbing the cell phone or where he ash to go to do it.

OK, Page 3 and we finally have an elevator.  Way too long.  Entry shold have been DQ'd, IMO.

A power outage hits immediately, huh?  And you decided to throw in the nice, little  aside, "Shit!".  Yeah, shit is right.  I'm out, I'm afraid.

Quoted Text A power outage hits immediately, huh?  And you decided to throw in the nice, little  aside, "Shit!".  Yeah, shit is right.  I'm out, I'm afraid.

To be honest Dreamscale, my script was probably the worst entry of the bunch, so I kind of disagree with that last comment of yours towards this particular writer. I think the BOLD bit is far from tactful and constructive.

I'm from the UK so I might have a different interpretation of what you just wrote, forgive me if that's the case but saying "Yeah, shit is right"... went a bit too far.

You provide feedback which is extremely useful and if you think something is shit then fairplay, but there needs to be a balance in what you write and perhaps a certain sensitivity.

I don't know who the writer is so I can't speak for him/her but still, I'd be aware that people could take what you wrote as a bit asshole-ish.

I've got an extremely thick skin but others... not so much. I'm a newbie in this ting with no formal education on anything, I'm about bettering myself... so I'll ask around and take advice without insulting those who have criticism for me.

There ain't nothing wrong with a bit of tact, even if you are tired with trawling through these "shit" OWC entries. The tone switches a lot in your posts, it was all roses up until that comment and I was like wha? Come on my man, don't turn people off... be blunt but don't take a tone because that is bound to piss people off, and I know deep down you're trying to help people get better. You never took that tone with me in our private messages so huh?

Come on blud, you didn't say my script was "shit". You have to read what you wrote as if... somebody was speaking in that tone in real life because that's how people imagine it in their heads.

Just chiming in for a quick minute, take it or leave it.

Dream is a rules guy. He needs them like a security blanket. He has a good eye for catching "rule" violations but doesn't really understand the purpose of these guidelines so he applies them as though they were laws. They are not.

And I suspect he has trouble providing objective analysis on a script if he feels he knows the writer or believes the writer has given him a harsh review. So he makes it personal. As writers we have to separate the harsh but well intended and well thought out criticism from stuff that is not constructively intended. I'm sure this writer can do that.

The autopsy is mentioned in the first line. There's no need to set it any more than that. In fact, to do so is a waste of narrative space. We know what an autopsy looks like, there's no need to describe the corpse being autopsied, there's no need to provide a detailed description of the autopsy room. I'm grateful the writer does not. Stick to the narrative and let the reader imagine the rest.

4 people seem to work there in this coroner's lab. The ME is in his 40s, the two assistants are in their mid 20s, the intern Wade is 19. Those ages are completely appropriate and the fact that Dreamscale tries to find fault with that gives his game away, doesn't it? I suspect a rough review on his own script.

The description given to Wade comes half a page later. I suspect the writer does so in order to set the stage and bring the reader into the story before adding some description. It's a rational approach. Try to bring the reader into the story before you burden him with description...and then try to give only as much description as needed, and if possible give that description piecemeal. Dream's only objection is that it violates some rule he dreams exists somewhere. But there is no rule, so his feedback in that doesn't help. It COULD help if his reaction was to let the writer know whether this helped or hindered the storytelling flow...but we don't know, because he's only basing the criticism on some nonexistent rule.

The ME's hands are described as bloody to make clear why he has Wade answer his phone. It's mere description, no more a "tell" than the description of a room or character. If the reviewer is setting out with the mission of taking apart a script for some reason, surely he can do better than that?

Just my two cents. I've already raised issues I had with this script. Dream's review strikes me is motivated by some kind of personal animus...which there is no place for here I would assume.

The thing is though, he was a proper safe dude to me in our PM's together. I was like "Damn son! This dude is opening my eyes right here to what I'm doing wrong, and he ain't slaying me for it"

But for some reason his tone did a 180 towards this dude and I was like huh? Don't get it.

He ain't a hater tho... or at least he doesn't act like one on the down low. He puts the effort in to help people but it can sometimes become counter-productive.

It reminds me of what Tyson said to Dawkins.