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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  The Necro File - OWC
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  Author    The Necro File - OWC  (currently 6669 views)
Grandma Bear
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JSimon
Wade is an intern, though there's really no need to know that. Pia worked a similar job when she was 16.

I'm being mentioned again!!!  

Just to clarify, I did indeed work at a large hospital between the ages of 16-18.5. I wasn't near autopsies though. I just bathed people after they died. Bert once called me a corpse washer.

I have no idea how things works in this country, but back in those days in Sweden, when we did haul the dead down to the cooler in the basement, we were never allowed to take them by ourselves, because they do make noise and move on occasion. So, a seasoned nurse would always come along.

As you were.  


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Max
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Are you sure you weren't the inspiration for this script Pia? Maybe the writer knows something we don't eh?


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Max
That's all well and good, but what I'm confused about is why you mentioned twice that the phone can't be seen? Can we just stay on that, I wanted to break down that point you made because I didn't understand what you meant by that.

Is it awkward for a phone to ring while it's in someone's pocket?


OK, Max, I'll play along.  We have a new Triple Crown Winner, and I don't care all that much about the Stanley Cup Championship going on now, so let me try yet again...

Since nothing was said about a phone being in the ME's coat pocket, we cannot know it's there, right.  When it rings, in this large "autopsy room", with 4 characters inside and multiple things going on, how do we know that the "RINGTONE" is coming from the ME's coat pocket?  Does it light up through his coat pocket?  Do we zoom in on his pocket?  Or maybe, we have an animated bubble pop up with an arrow aiming to his coat pocket, and inside that buddle, it reads, "ME's cell phone ringing".  LOL...

Am I being a stickler now?  Yes, because you fucks are asking redonkulous questions, and making me be very specific.

So, after this phantom RINGTONE, the ME is going to have to look at his hands,  which are "dirty with blood and gore", and probably realize all of a sudden he really fucked up by not wearing surgical gloves like every other professional ME would be doing.

If I was Wade over in the corner of the room, and he said to me, "Little help", I'd call back, "What the fuck, asswipe?  Take your fucking gloves off and answer your own phone, you idiot."

If a phone rings that can't be seen, and no one knows where it's coming from and for some reason, the person can't answer it himself, yeah, it's gonna play out very awkward and confusing, especially when the person furthest away is expected to answer it for him.  Don't you think?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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JSimon
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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I can't believe we are arguing this. It's so stupid.

How do we know the phone is in his pocket? Because when it rings the ME tells Wade to answer it, and we see him take it out and answer it.

If I described something that is unfilmable...like for example "there's a phone that we can't see in the ME's pocket", isn't that, oh nos, an unfilmable?

Jeff, all I can say is really? This argument is so foolish. I can only assume you are being stubborn because no one could possibly be confused here.
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Max
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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We can know it's there when he turns around and says "Wade, top left pocket".

Audio plays a part here, because the phone would ring like it was in someone's pocket.  The phone rings while in his pocket, he turns to Wade and tells him where the phone is.

So the audience knows straight away it's in his pocket.

I think you're being obtuse now, forget about where everybody is in the room for a second. It's obvious from the dialogue that the phone is in Wade's pocket, the audio would represent that also.

This is really a non-issue here Dreamscale.


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Stumpzian
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale

...you fucks are asking redonkulous questions...


Quite the charmer, he is.



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JSimon
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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A cell phone in the ME�s pocket RINGTONES. His hands are
dirty with blood and gore though.
MEDICAL EXAMINER
Little help, Wade. Left coat
pocket.


What is unclear? What is awkward? How could this be said more efficiently?

This is the problem with your reviews, Jeff. What you want me to say is this:

A cell phone ringtones. The ME, whose hands are bloody, motions to Wade
"Little help, Wade. Left coat."


And that would be better, if that's what you want. But really, it's clear enough and anyone would understand it, Had you suggested a change like that I'd be fine and even grateful. But calling a script shit over tiny things like that suggests a nonconstructive approach.

I will admit: I originally did not see your review until after I saw Fen chastise you for calling it shit. So that might have colored by reaction.
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Max
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Visually, we'd understand that the phone was in his pocket... because ME asks Wade to get it from his pocket, and Wade takes it out of his pocket - ON SCREEN.

This is why I'm struggling to understand your criticism Dreamscale, and your attitude isn't helping either.

Calling us "fucks" is not constructive at all, there is simply no need for that.


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JSimon
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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Max, the way I corrected it above would actually be better. If that's what Jeff is saying, and I'm not sure, then he is right. Stuff like that is not really a basis for stopping a read or calling a script shit, but if that's the problem Jeff has, then something like my correction would in fact work better.
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Max
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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It was perfectly clear without the correction though, to be perfectly honest.

We know it's in his pocket because ME calls him over and says "top left pocket", Wade comes over and takes the phone out.

LOL.

I'm not sure what else I can say about it.  Is there a person who would watch that on screen and be confused as to where the phone came from? Or where the ring came from?

You have to say the phone's in his pocket in the screenplay I imagine... because that's an audio thing, you can't just say "A PHONE RINGS" because that could mean a phone is ringing from anywhere, it could even be on a wall somewhere.

You can't film it ringing in his pocket but it's an audio thing.

A phone ringing in someone's pocket would be muffled and much quieter.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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OK, guys, if you don't get it, or don't want to admit to getting it, that's fine and cool.

The more I think about this entire scene, the more i have to wonder about you guys, as there are so many redonkulous things going on, it's actually a little comical.

Why...why...why would anyone hire a guy like Wade to do whatever he's supposed to be doing?  Maybe, he was hired to answer the cell phone calls from the ME and 2 assistants, during all the autopsies going on at once in this Coroner's Building.

Why is there an elevator in the autopsy room and where might it go?  Does everyone in the Coroner's Building ride this elevator?

Why isn't anyone wearing surgivcal gloves during autopsies?  Really?  Do they all take cell phone calls whenever they come in?

Peeps, please..get a grip...or at least try and grab onto anything near you.  This is insanity...or maybe I'm the insane one...or...maybe...in the world of the insane the sane ones are deemed the insane?

Word out...or to the mutha...or whatever.  I guess I'll watch the fucking hockey game and eat some burgers.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Ledbetter
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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The whole thing has to do with awkward phrasing.

It could be ton's better.

A "cell phone ringtone" is not correct. I think that is one of the couple of things Jeff is saying here.

Any song or sound on the planet can constitute a ringtone nowadays.

Besides, the writer is missing a great opportunity to inject something good here.

"It's raining men" begins to play from somewhere.

Everyone looks around.

Eric smirks. Points to the ME.
                    
              ERIC
I think it's coming from him.

The ME holds his hands up to show bloody gloves.
               ME
My daughter likes that song.  A little help?

He points to his left coat pocket.

By raising his hands, the character is showing this. The way it's written, the writer is and not following the rules to do so.

If the writer wants us to see it other than in an action (like raising his hands) it needs to be shown as some type of direction or insert.

I do, however find it amusing that there has been such an interest in criticizing Jeff's review, that having gone back and read the thread, seems to be in line with every single review he's ever given.

Jeff gives great advice. If you don't like how it's delivered, you should get a thicker skin.

Shawn.....><
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JSimon
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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Shawn, curious why you are commenting here? You've never argued with Jeff? I understand you guys are practically roomies now, but you've argued his reviews in the past and you know it.

His advice is off and I pointed out why. The description was fine as is. And there is no such thing as "correct" when the description is already perfectly clear. Which it is. Frankly, Jeff's objections were so strange here that I don't believe he was giving an honest review. If you're not going to give an honest and objective review, don't review it.

I have already posted a way for it to read better. Shawn's way lengthens it more than I want. The bottom line is there is really nothing wrong the way it is. Could it be a little better some other way? Sure, there are all kinds of stuff like that in every script. But it's perfectly clear as is and uses few lines.
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Ledbetter
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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What's wrong with adding lenght if it adds charector?

Look back and see when was the last time I argued with Jeff. It might supprise you.

It supprises me more that you would open a conversation with me asking me to defend my realtionship with Jeff.

It would be like me asking you to defend yours with Pia.

As for  us being roomates, that's just a fucked up way of redirecting the convesation.

I've known Jeff for years. I believe I've known YOU for years as well.

I personally didn't think your advice was all that helpful other than to clarify what was already obvious.

My attempt was to actually show a differient approach in order to expand the action to make it more clear as well as enjoyible.

Shawn.....><
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 6th, 2015, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from JSimon
Shawn, curious why you are commenting here? You've never argued with Jeff? I understand you guys are practically roomies now, but you've argued his reviews in the past and you know it.

His advice is off and I pointed out why. The description was fine as is. And there is no such thing as "correct" when the description is already perfectly clear. Which it is. Frankly, Jeff's objections were so strange here that I don't believe he was giving an honest review. If you're not going to give an honest and objective review, don't review it.

I have already posted a way for it to read better. Shawn's way lengthens it more than I want. The bottom line is there is really nothing wrong the way it is. Could it be a little better some other way? Sure, there are all kinds of stuff like that in every script. But it's perfectly clear as is and uses few lines.


It's prefect as is, Kev.  Absolutely flawless.  The entire beautiful setup of tyhe scene is just sopt on.  I can visualize this exaclty as I think you saw it...but...I doubt you saw it at all, based on the very poor visual writing...or non visual writing.

This is an example of exaclty how to set  your scenes and write visually.  Way to go, bro!!  You are officially the King here, nd I for one will try an emulate this.  



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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