Mind the Gap by The Smell of Ozone, Grit, and Broken Dreams - An early morning encounter on a subway platform ends in a flash.  Short, Thriller

I liked this. As a NYC'er myself who used to take the E train at 50th to Astoria everyday, I could definitely picture everything. Though this probably would have to be filmed in another city -- it can be difficult getting proper permits to shoot in NYC subways unless it's quick pick-up shots (whether at the station or on the train). Maybe if you shot it with an Iphone or something... though that 3rd rail spot might be difficult.

Anyway, enough about logistics. I did enjoy this -- been seeing a lot of "tables turning" with the characters in a lot of the shorts I've read so far. But this was fairly well done -- although I could kinda see it coming in. She definitely had some "American Psycho" vibes. I'd probably make her nicer on the phone so it's less predictable.

Nice work!

-- Michael

Good work here - a complete story in 2 pages

This was really good. Made me miss the NYC subways. Great descriptions. Just very good writing over all and nice twist. Great job writer.

Ha. Good work here. Monika is a bad bitch. lol

Enjoyed the writing and the story.

The twist was cool. It's a lot of setup for her to do that to a random stranger, unless I'm missing something. I feel like we're just getting to know her and then it's over. But I do want to know more so I guess good job.

Really liked the writing on this one.

The story was decent, but it felt like it should be a scene in a larger story. Why is a homeless man trying to kill her? And even though it has "the rich, powerful woman turns out to be worse than the homeless killer" angle, I really don't know what to get out of it. It kind of seemed a little mean spirited, like I was supposed to be happy she killed the homeless man who reeked of urine.  

Still, the atmosphere set up was great!

I'm a little torn on this one. The homeless person's motivations are unclear, but that doesn't much matter, he probably just wanted a quarter. No twist here, she was steady throughout and he was no more than a mosquito to be squashed. More of a shock I guess at how far she would go, though it was telegraphed a mile away with the train coming.

Decent writing, though a little overwritten. I didn't feel anything for the homeless person and I despise her, so it didn't connect with me. But she is a full character, one-note but realized. Nice job.

Hi writer,

That felt really dense and over written even at two pages.

Not a whole lot of story here despite that. Woman throws hobo on train tracks for being a hobo. Didn't feel anything for either of these characters.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.

I don't think the Homeless Man is a threat at all. I think as far as Monika's concerned he's at best a pest, at worst the detritus of society - to be disposed of, won't be missed.

MONIKA
I don't know what's worse. The
smell of urine or the stench of
broken dreams.

With expert fluidity, she jerks him forward and off the
platform onto the tracks

Hahha! Funny girl. I think Monika's done similar before. Nobody gets in her way.
If you get in her way, or you're not on her side you'll soon be made redundant.

It cries out to be called Redundant doesn't it?

Enough of the unexpected e.g. twist/shock in the plotline for me here:
I suppose you could make 'transient guy' a little bit more threatening?

One nitpick with your choice of words and associated implication:
The silence is broken by the SQUEAL of a poorly serviced
turnstile

I really thought Monika squealed and was being pursued.
Squeak, screech, scrape, might be better? Rusted hinges etc.

Anyway, I loved this bad girl. Great satirical black comedy, as well as Thriller imho.

Loved the entire thing.

Written with some very nice dark humour that made me chuckle too.
Reminded me of the brutal scene in House of Cards too when Frank Underwood threw Zoe Barnes into the path of a speeding train.

Terrific depth of description here too.

P.S. Was watching something about Japanese trains the other day. They are designed with guard rails so no possibility of being thrown or jumping onto tracks.

Solid!

I really liked this. Clear, crips writing and very atmospheric.

Really good job.

Overwritten for a 2-pager but you got the story in.

Enjoyed it, The flicking lights and approaching "bad guy" would be good on film. Good work

I didn't get it. A woman pushes a guy off the train and is surely happy about it. Maybe going for a psychotic character but the action comes off as worthless. Nothing special.  

I dunno.  I both like the writing style and also felt it might have been ladled on a bit thick.

Monika's penultimate line of dialogue sounded better in your head.

I love the description of the "photo shoot" imagery.  In fact, I might have just ended there.

I bet that poor guy was either going to ask for change or scold her for waking him up. Overall, good set-up and visual descriptions. Straight forward story with a touch of American Psycho. Just another commute to work for Monika. Good work, writer.