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Feeling Justified - May2 (currently 696 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 10:33am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16448 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Feeling Justified by Seth Gecko - A hardened detective gets a chance at closure. Content Warning Location: Train station. Object: Human body part Short, Horror, Crime. |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
LC - May 17th, 2021, 11:07pm | | |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 5:50pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
I liked the writing overall, especially the character descriptions. The dialogue was good, too. But why were they beating this Michael dude up if they didn't know he took James's son for sure? James asks him, "Did you take my son?" I think maybe if he asked him, "Where is my son? What did you do with him?"
I was waiting for a severed penis script lol. And I got it here! But it didn't seem to justify the means. Maybe if it was made clear that maybe Michael raped his son or something, it'd be more justified.
Not a bad effort though, I liked it. |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 5:56pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
I really liked this.
I see what you did there.
Now lets see what happens in challenge #3! |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 5:56pm |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Well, I wanted Michael to get his just deserts, that did it lol thanks for the closure.
Well written and unapologetically brutal. I really felt the dark atmosphere I was meant to.
Well done |
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Warren |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:30pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer,
You set the scene very well, lots of atmosphere in this.
That was pretty full on.
The writing is great and flowed quite nicely.
Good job on this one.
All the best. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:38pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
The writing is very good. Really good.
I had two problems with the story.
1. That sure is a lot of brutal beating before the guy confessed. I mean at that point he would have confessed to anything - right? What did he have to lose? So, I didn't buy that at all - just seems that should have been some clever way to get it out of hi,.
2. Why are you not ending with the feeling justified to his wife - you open with her on the phone. It would have been far better chemistry to end with her on the phone.
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 8:39pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
When all else fails, cut off his penis and shove it down his throat!! Well that was interesting... Great writing . The guy was beat to a pulp before the other cop got there... but yet no confession. So basically they were just gonna leave him for dead whether he did or not. They didn't seem to have too much truth to go by before they started pummeling him. Ah well Good job on entering |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 2:56am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Good writing. I was expecting a twist or some reveal but I didn't get one so it felt a little flat at the end (flaccid penis pun not intended).
I echo the above comments as well, if they weren't sure it was him why beat him up so much? And, yeah if you torture someone so much they will say anything - it's why torture is such an unreliable form of intel.
Solid effort though. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 9:36am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
The scene, set-up, action, dialogue...no complaints. In fact, pretty damn great writing. All parameters met.
The story, however, was not quite as satisfying. Thing is, I don't care about any of them. Now James will have to live with murder on his conscience, justified or not. IDK. I would've cared more for James if he beat him within an inch of his life, stopped, and had him arrested, tried, and sentenced for life (or death).
That said, fantastic writing on display. |
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Pleb |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 10:53am |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Surely it isn't just me who thinks this is obviously a follow up to a script from the first round???
Well, I really liked it just like I liked the one from the first round.
Nothing to add other than good job. Widow's peak got his comeuppance. That's a good pay off.
Good stuff |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 10:54am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts793 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
It isn't hard to guess which script this one is a follow up to. The writing was good, but as I said, knowing its prequel, the entire thing was predictable. Nonetheless, nice work. |
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Cypher99 |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 2:59pm |
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Posts10 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
As soon as I read CONTENT WARNING, I knew I was reading this.
Real solid read with better than average characters. Dialogue above avg as well.
Action lines have too many passive verbs and prose, but that didn't take away from the solid visual writing.
Well done.
But... if you're gonna start out over black, don't forget the (V.O.) on your first dialogue! |
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stevemiles |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:42pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Very well written and suitably atmospheric. Sets the scene well in the opening pages but from there it just gets bleak to the point it doesn’t surprise. Choking on a severed penis or not, it feels like the whole tied to a chair-revenge-torture thing has been done too many times for it to land with any impact. Not saying it can’t be done, just needs something fresh to make it resonate. |
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LC |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 6:53pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7636 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
You have some good feedback here already re torture for torture's sake, as opposed to getting information and then James' actions as revenge, and the excellent point Dave made about the placing of the phone call which I agree with....so I won't say anymore there.
This reads as instalments) of a bigger piece, but wow, you wrote it well. Loved the gritty vibe and the imagery of the station with the light flickering over the walls.
One nitpick re this:
Towering over the bloody man I would suggest that be used as an adjective - bloodied man as in covered in blood.
Brutal stuff. Impressive writing. You took me right to the place.
Be very interesting to see what you do in Round 3.
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 11:08pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Funny...when I saw this challenge was a 3 parter, was thinking it would be cool to continue with the same characters for each challenge. You obviously gave us the ending we were hoping for from round one...and then some.
You are a really good writer. I think it's time to invest in Final Draft. LOL
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