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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The June 2021 Challenge  ›  The Naked Bulb - June Challenge Moderators: Zack
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Don
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Naked Bulb by J.R. Simplott - Cat and mouse, but the cat's got more than your tongue.  Short, Action


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, this is clever.  You think you're dealing with the Hulk and some villain and you get a totally unique reveal.  I like the idea that this is (SPOILER ALERT AHEAD) going on in the mind of a kid, but it does make me ask: would a kid be imagining that Bruce was using homophobic slurs and using foul language?  Maybe so, given the things kids are exposed to these days.

But that's a minor nit pick.  Really enjoyed the read on this one.  Good job here.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Wow, that was weird.

The only JR Simplot I know is the potato king in Idaho. Same guy?

That threw me for a loop. A few misspellings that kind of derail the reader and clunky dialogue but, hey, nobody ever said action figures were eloquent!

Getting sewn into a couch. That's awesome. Good work, writer.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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Loved the idea that he was sewn into a chair, definitely trapped!

But I actually would have preferred for that to be the real story somehow.

Wasn't so keen on the kid reveal though it did make sense.

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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_ghostwriters
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 9:59pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy writer,

I know a little about being drunk and stupid, but we won't go there.

This is kind of, well... out there. Very amusing. Nice light touch. Dialogue was witty, very easy to read. I was just laughing out loud at this kid's appearance at the end. It's good to write something a leetle beet crazy now and again, it unblocks clogged mental pipes, warms up your writing muscles. Best of Irish luck! -A
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Gum
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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The doll house is missing the chandelier? Probably one of those little LED twinkle lights that burns out your regna if you stare into it too long. This reminded me somewhat of that Harry Potter movie wherein that old dude was a lazy-boy recliner, or hiding as one, so I could envision the strangeness of the scenario if that makes any sense.

Not entirely sure a 10-year-old would have the capacity for such abstract thoughts, or vulgarity, but then again, maybe heís playing out something he witnessed in his own dysfunctional family environment; everyone has an Uncle Bob thatís not all there, I have an Uncle Bob that actually put his foot through a TV back in the day, he had big shit-kickers on, so the TV was no match.

Anyway, yeahÖ off the wall little skit that I didnít see coming, so it definitely works for that entertainment value so sought after nowadays. Best of luck.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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Yuvraj
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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A good read with an insight in the minds of ten-year olds. They surely get impacted from their surroundings. A saw the twist coming when the tilting came into picture. So no surprises for me but a nice read.

Good luck.


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Arundel
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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This was way out-there and comic book style. The action lines were well written and kept things moving forward.
Had the same thought voiced by others about a kid imagining an adulterous scene, but we gotta end it somehow, right?
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Zack
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Two orphans on the first page? TWO!? How DARE you! Lol. Just kidding. But I'd still get rid of those if I were you.

Enjoyed the writing. Had a nice flow to it. At least until the action sequence started, then things got a little messy.

Spotted a couple of typos as well.

Hm. Not sure how I feel about that ending. Would a ten-year-old boy create that exact scenario in their head?

Mixed feelings on this one. It's a pretty crazy story with a totally out-of-left field ending. A bit too random for my taste.

Still, a very good effort.





WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Congrats on finishing the challenge.

Notes: Iím mixed. Itís out of the box idea but it gives me a wtf vibe. Itís like Inception lol. You fulfilled the criteria twice but still. Wtf happened? Lol.

Sorry I couldnít be more helpful,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Abe from LA
Posted: June 24th, 2021, 2:55am Report to Moderator
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It didn't quite work but it was fun right out of the gate. I think the adult aspect seemed off. What if Bruce is battling a female opponent, who represents mom. Then keep the back and forth between the two combatants closer to what married couples argue about. Something like that. Nice try.
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Spqr
Posted: June 24th, 2021, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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Very cute. I thought it was especially funny that a 10-year-old built such an elaborate backstory centered around a homophobic slur to drive the conflict. And the stilted dialogue was perfect.
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LC
Posted: June 25th, 2021, 6:37am Report to Moderator
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Okay, so put me out of my misery... Well, soon anyway.  

Peter Parker
& Bruce Banner?

Clever idea, very imaginative.
I'm not buying the kid's narrative (through the action Heroes)but then you made it 'adult' I suspect so as not to give away the final reveal.

Him stuck in a spider's web might have been cool and macabre, but would likely give the game away too.

One specific Typo glared at me: weather/whether.

Nice job. I liked the concept and surprise reveal a lot and you definitely nailed the brief of a character being physically trapped.



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Lono
Posted: June 25th, 2021, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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This one was interesting. I like seeing the life of toys, kind of like a more mature Toy Story. The reveal was neat, not sure how to execute this on film though, I guess we'd know they are toys the whole time? Kind of loses the reveal though. I don't know if this fits the perimeters exactly but I had a hard time with mine so yea, tough challenge. Good work though.
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