The Phantom's Song by The Other Gaston Leroux - Short, Horror - The goal of all true Art is perfection, but what price would you pay to achieve it? - pdf, format

A phantom script... and the original author as the pseudonym. I suppose it's the first one that comes to mind.

Interesting logline.

A little put out that this doesn't seem very modern right now.

A good story, that plays on the belief that losing one sense improves the capacity of others. I think you could have taken this further, the removal of fingers (touch) for example.

I liked it though, nice work. 7 out of 10.

Great twist, Very good dialogue and nice character arcs, especially for Maestra. My favorite so far!

I agree with Dustin and Logan, this is good.

This is the second Phantom script of the competition. Both focus on obsession, but both have managed to find their own voice and bring something new to the story. Cool.

Low budget? Yes. Two actors, an empty theatre and one make up effect.

Horror? Certainly if you consider Horror as an emotion, rather than a Genre. A pedant might say it's more Psychological Thriller, but there's certainly a horrific atmosphere to it and the implications that arise from the story....being asked to do the impossible or else face the strictest consequences.

SPOILERS:

Definitely worth considering what Dustin says. At the point the man leaves the stage and heads to the dressing room, there's scope there for Maestra to punish him more severely. Perhaps consider taking a hand, as Dustin suggests.

Would that give the ending even more of a powerful kick, having him stood on stage with a newly bandaged hand,  shaking in pain and fear and being asked to do the impossible? We'd know how much more torture he's going to have to face as he inevitably fails to please.

Or would that undermine the reveal about the audience? I'm not sure.

Either way, good job.

A Phantom Story! Nice to see one of these in the competition.

I was going to say this doesn’t have a modern twist but the twist at the end was superb and brought it into modern times nicely.

I do agree with what others have said, I think we need to see a bit more of the sacrifice Antonio is paying for his art. As it is at the moment this doesn’t feel like a horror but if we see Maestra punish him for running off the stage, if she takes a finger or something, this will help. That section feels like exposition anyway, rather than her telling us what she’s done to him, you could show us.  This would also help with the question I had as to why doesn’t he run away? She seems to have great strength, let’s see more of her monstrous side!

Hmmm……if he’s the Phantom though, what is she? Intriguing!

I really like this, my favourite so far. It shows loads of potential and I hope you develop it outside this challenge.

-Mark

Kind of horror, but more of a drama really. I felt for Antonio. Very sad.

I thought it a bit overwritten sometimes.

The mannequins were creepy. Maestra's dialogue was great. Not much to add to improve.

Don't know what writing software you use, but you need to fix the margins.

Good job.

This was well-written but felt, I don't know...pretentious? Just not my taste in horror, I guess. It didn't feel modern, that's for sure.

Frankly, I'm conflicted. I appreciate that you went with a Phantom story, and it's well-executed, but I didn't really care for it. As I said, it's just a matter of taste. A solid effort, I understand why others like it.

Not really a classic monster in this one, but I like it a lot, my favourite so far.

The lengthy dialog of maestra towards the end

Quoted Text MAESTRA You think you have sacrificed, but what I have taken, I have given back ten fold. You were born with a gift. But to concentrate that gift I had to take away distractions. The physical beauty that made you a prize for women who would have ruined you. Like your wife. The eyes that tricked you into fixating on material realities. But perhaps I need to take more?

was a bit of a let down. It would have been much better imo, if instead of telling us how she tortured him in the past, she would have  just done something else to him. That would be much more effective in revealing she tortured him in the past in order to focus his senses on the music.

Anyways, good one!

The Phantom's Song

It's partly good and has some potential. The music and all that could be an intense experience of art.

The script only has one flaw that I often react on pretty clear: when a handicap or disability is shown in a clichéd, unrealistic way.  He cannot see – so his orientation must be poor.

Because – a blind person originally would even be able to get a clear impression by the applause about who someone is,
which is, the other way round unimaginable for somebody who can see. Especially a singer would know by sound, vibrations, wind at which side of the theater how many people sit.

There are even blind persons who can use sounds from their tongue to let the resounding work as sonar, identifying every object in all its facets. Unbelievable stuff.

That said, I don't know how long he's been blind now and if you entirely want to imply that he's cheated all the way without knowing; since you let the same voice introduce him again and again which makes me believe he does know it is all fake. But still it's just a thin line for me somehow, to give the false impression about blind people if misunderstood the way I fear here.  

So, that weakens an interesting script massively for my taste.

You can work that out.

@ try to interweave how Maestra undresses him, if you like to. As written, in one paragraph, it's a boring shot of 20-30 seconds at least, that interrupts their conversation for no reason

Edit: Spoilers:


The script makes clear that she blinded him...so he's never learnt to be blind.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Edit: Spoilers: The script makes clear that she blinded him...so he's never learnt to be blind.

Exactly this is what I mean. So, what he learned (from that point on) is nothing - this blinded poor man.

Just my opinion.

My opinions are just that, and have been known to be wrong!

Picky bits:-
1) A little melodramatically/overwritten in places (imho) - maybe this is intentional
2) Some of Maestra's dialogue is over long
3) I think there's elements could be left unsaid, e.g. I'll lock it... we hear the locks going, I think that could be more mysterious.

Good bits:-
1) I liked the tone overall
2) Built well to an effective climax
3) Reminded me a little of Theatre of Blood - never a bad thing!

Rules
Well there's no classic monster in it, technically but I think it passes in the way it's written with the Phantom's spirit clearly imbuing the script  

Overall I really liked it

Anthony

Hauntingly beautiful. Dark and ethereal.

Although others might disagree I honestly can't find anything wrong with this piece.

I felt for Antonio. I imagine his dreams have become his only escape. Safe and secure behind the veil of his poster bed, he dreams,  but the dream is always the same nightmare -- He wanders through a field of falling ashes, and the only sound is his disembodied Aria.

Lot of talent on display here.

Gaston Leroux II,

I'm not overly familiar with The Phantom story but this was very good. I really enjoyed it. The two characters were superbly written and it was easy to read. It was haunting and heartbreaking at the end. My favourite so far.

Great job.

Glenn.

Hello

I guess this is a origin story for the phantom of the opera.

My only thought is why he doesn't try to get away or kill maestro.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hello I guess this is a origin story for the phantom of the opera. My only thought is why he doesn't try to get away or kill maestro. Hope this helps, Gabe

Because he is a victim. A grown man can be made to do anything you want if he's terrified of you. Particularly if violence has already been involved. Until violence there may still be a bit of bravado in even the biggest cowards. A few slaps soon gets rid of that. Cutting out somebody's eyes? Imagine the horror, the sheer terror. Perhaps you can't.

Writer,

Very well written and atmospheric, with a good twist. Not really anything I didn't like about this. Different from any entry I've read so far. Only nitpick is that I feel it could've used a bit more horror. Maestra certainly had a gruesome death coming her way, and I'm not sure why she didn't get it. Perhaps just because this script wanted to keep its desperate tone throughout with no compromises. Very good work.

Steve

Like the idea.  I found it a bit slow, a bit contrived.  But it works for what it is.  Although, I wish she had started cutting off fingers or toes to teach him a lesson.  She will whittle him down to nothing...

best
Richard

First a nit: - there were several places where a word was capped (e.g., Perfect, Voice, etc.) - not sure what was intended here.

This was way too much OTN for me.

Quoted Text MAESTRA You think you have sacrificed, but what I have taken, I have given back ten fold. You were born with a gift. But to concentrate that gift I had to take away distractions. The physical beauty that made you a prize for women who would have ruined you. Like your wife. The eyes that tricked you into fixating on material realities. But perhaps I need to take more?

Yeah, I know it's the premise of the story and you have to get it in - but it has too be introduced in a more creative way.

Other than that - I loved this. Great premise - well written. Very poignant.

Late to this one

This is a sound premise that could be filmed but needs a bit of work

Dialogue - her's goes on a bit and needs to be a bit more crisp and pointed

We see her lock him up but this should go further, abuse is bitter sweet. They take take then give a little.

I would like to see him fed, hit then tended to. Mind you this would needed to be blended with the twist

I agree that it would be very obvious that the theatre was empty. Why not set it up that because of him failing the theatre is as well.

But all said and done, this is a decent psychological drama. Whilet there is a horrific element to this, it's not horror, to me unless we see her inflict more pain

Well done

This will be a short review.

WOW.  The best thing I've read thus far (though the Werewolf/Red Riding Hood script is great as well.) And bear in mind - I'm going in order, so I'm sure there will eventually be others on this list.

This one?  Lyrical, poetic - and beautifully written with a full, satisfying story.

Kudos, Maestro. Well Done!  

--J (W)

A rather poetic opening. Fancy.

Presumably this is using The Phantom of the Opera type thing. I've never seen it, as I avoid Andrew Lloyd Hitler's stuff as much as possible. Nevertheless, I'll read on, I as quite liked the opening.

Takes a while to get going, But it's worth it, in my humble. The horror here is psychological, and it's effective.

My only gripe, apart from not coming up with it myself, was the use of capitals where they weren't needed. Apart from that...

Impressive.

R

Just a point, but The Phantom of the Opera is not an Andrew Lloyd Webber creation. Nor was it originally a musical. It was originally a novel written by Gaston Leroux.

Here's a link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Phantom_of_the_Opera

This author is making it far too easy to discern their identity.

THE GOOD:  The details ring of authenticity, at least to this reader, totally unfamiliar with opera.  There has been at least a little research here, if not a bit of prior knowledge.  I always appreciate that.  The reveal of the mannequins is properly horrifying in a cerebral sort of way.  This is well thought out.      

THE BAD:  Maestra's monologue, though necessary, is a bit on the nose, perhaps a bit over the top.  The mention of a wife seems an odd, extraneous detail.  There is consistently odd use of capitalization, which distracted me in an OCD-type of way while reading. Linking this directly to the mythos of the Phantom is a bit of a stretch, in the most rigorous interpretation of Don's guidelines, but I doubt this author cares much about that.      

bert's grade:  A-  

The good news...

Interesting and unique in terms of both story and writing style.

Pretty well written.

Powerful and sad with a surprising twist that hits hard.

The not so good news...

Some awkwardly phrased lines.  Some missing subject sentences, which I'll never understadn why writers do this.

A bit slow, a bit dense, and a bit dull, in terms of horror.

The bad news...

No real horror here to speak of, even though the tone is quite scary.

Very hard for me to link this to any classic monster, even though I understand we're most likely looking at a prequel to The Phantom of the Opera.

Which leads me to a grade of...

B, bordering on B+

Oh wow, impressive!!

She demands perfection yet receives him in his nakedness. She even locks the door to act as a shield between those who might not. You planted the seed of manipulation in less than a page.

These are certainly dynamic characters.

Of course the mannequins with the speakers attached was a rad twist, making me more than bummed everything ended so suddenly. Now the stakes are now life or death, that alone deserves a payoff. Overall though, outstanding.

+ The opening sequence was killer
+ Characterzation is off the fucking charts
+ Could easily slide into feature length or television episode
+ Nailed the theme of acceptance (Some might argue it's perfection, I'd disagree)

- Finish the script in some form of completeness

I'm with Richard on this one - cut off them toes, cut off them fingers. Give us some horror!

Too bland for my taste and a bit repetitive.

A Brit writer, I think if certain wording is to go by.

I do think it's more drama than horror, and the high point of the drama, if I was watching this, was never realized imho.

Why all the capped words i.e.,  
Transcend
True Perfection

I felt the whole thing needed more oomph to make me feel the real emotion, the real threat.
Very good twist, and well written.

Came to this with high expectations, as I've seen a few people name it as their favourite.

And I liked it. I didn't quite end up loving it, not sure why - it's well written, deliberately slow and thoughtful, and your twist is excellently handled - those would be some very creepy visuals onscreen. Something was missing for me though - don't know what, maybe that Maestra told us about or threatened violence, rather than anything happening onscreen? Don't get me wrong, it doesn't need gore - that wouldn't fit your tone - but the threat never felt completely imminent. That might be different if the right actress played Maestra, though. So perhaps that's unfair.

Maestra was a good character, but Antonio remained a bit of an enigma. I know he's been broken by what he's been subjected to, but compare him to Cristiano in Puta Grasa - to me, that person had more about him. Maestra was such a strong character that she left Antonio in the shadows - but this is Antonio's story, from the title to the opening shot to the scenes on his own, so that balance might need addressing.

I agree with someone above that the capitalised words tripped up my read a few times, not quite sure what happened there. However, otherwise there's lots to like - good creepy atmosphere (horror as unease, I can dig that) and a very well handled twist. Good job!

To "Gaston" -

If/when you'd like, please contact me about this script?  Thanks!  (Your identity will stay anonymous, at least until the reveal!)  

--J (W)

Best so far, and there’s not much else to say. The “proud cock” line felt jarring and might work better removed. It might also be good to get some hint of Maestra’s motivation. The reveal at the end is great, but I am left wondering why she’s doing this. I mean, I get she wants to create art, but what’s the point of deluding him about an audience. I’d do it just to keep my thumbs. I don’t want more than a hint, though. I don’t want to see the shark, just the fin breaking the surface.

Otherwise, very well done.

I really enjoyed the pace and tone and the ending.  The reveal was superb.  I don't think it was overwritten as some were claiming.  It was a nice amount of description to visualize what was happening.  There were some typos but that was to be expected.  Great one!

My favourite won, yay! Considering my own script got bashed really badly, probably I'm better at reading than at writing

Congrats, Richard!

Horror? It's not, but I don't care. A lot of food for thoughts in there, certainly. Loved all the revelations on the way, never had a chance to get bored while reading it. I understand you're the winner of the competition, congrats!

Creepy is an understatement...
Terrific story idea with that really bizarre twist.
Never saw it coming. Always a great feeling.  

I didn't get to enter this, but, I wanted to read a few anyways.  This was good.  Intense.  

I think you could have carried it further with what she is, and what she's taken.  And the contrast to the opening scene of him singing to a packed house to showing that they aren't real.

Nice job...