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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Some Valentine Strange - OWC
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  Author    Some Valentine Strange - OWC  (currently 897 views)
Angry Bear
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Page 1.   Button up T-shirt?

Page 3.   I like your description of the house. Short and to the point. I can picture it easily without you having to describe every little detail about the neighborhood and such.

Page 4.   You refer to Frankie as he.

Would be kind of funny if Frankie started getting a little worried by now. Like, what if Zack is a psycho or something.

Page 5.   Do prostitutes give out their last names? I think she should insist on only having one name.

Page 6.   So far, I'm not seeing a lot of romance. More like attempt at seduction. Romance is sort of when someone actually likes someone.  

Page 7.   And now it's getting violent?

Zack rolls over...

Hmmm. This didn't quite meet the parameter, IMO.

The fishnets were red, there were roses and chocolates, but they were pretty much just mere props in the background.

There was no romance as far I could see.

But, there is some good news. Your writing was fine.  


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Angry Bear
Page 1.  

But, there is some good news. Your writing was fine.  


The writing here was very good. I wanted to continue reading and that's a really good sign.

It was only when I got to the horror elements that I said to myself, "this belongs in a different challenge" and so I thought, I've got to move on.  




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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hawkeye
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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Good start.  Well-written, very visual, dialogue is fine.  I think I see where this is going, let's see.

Nope!  I was imagining a "Modern Family" type Valentine's where Claire and Phil become Clive and Juliet.  This is Claire and Phil become Lara Croft and Freddie Krueger.  Wow.  That took a weird, strange turn, especially when Jeff is introduced.

So.  Most of the elements of the challenge are there, but man, a rom-com?  I think not.

Still, some impressive writing on display!

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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khamanna
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I can see how you think this might fit under romantic comedy,but I really think it does not.
It is structured well and an exceptionally well-written piece. But it's far-fetched, the characters here do not stand out for me.

And most importantly it started as a porn and ended as American Pshyco 2. I don't know...

The thing with American Pshyco - it's a feature. So, you watch a funny guy kill people and it makes sense. His motivation - he's crazy.

But here I would like a real motivation for some reason. Why they are suddenly after each other. Just being crazy doesn't cut it. I don't know why, probably because features are different to shorts.

And then again, this one is way outside the challenge parameters, too. In my opinion at least.
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DaveTroop
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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Be My Psycho Valentine

This was a nice variation from the norm. Well written and formatted.

I could tell by the inclusion of Total Eclipse of the Heart that something utterly horrible was about to happen.

Glad to see Jeff coming out of the closet.  

Well, I have to give this one —

What’s that?  Romcom?  Are you sure?

Sorry.  This was supposed to be a romcom contest.

Thanks for entering though.
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Spqr
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Not a romcom, but if you're going to disregard the purpose of the challenge at least do so with something more creative than just another fight scene thinly disguised as a Valentine's Day story.
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jayrex
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Definitely strange.

In a roundabout way.  This could be romantic for strange people.  A strange man meets a strange woman and strangeness ensues.  But is it good?  I like strange.  I don't think this is my kind of strange.  It's early days.  Maybe next week I'll love it.

Congrats on your submission.


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Conz
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Probably don’t need a super that it’s Valentine’s Day, it’s heavily implied.

I like the action writing for the most part, but the dialogue is leaving something to be desired.  You’re trying to be funny, but it feels like you reigned yourself in a little, and a lot of it is just coming off as generic.

Always a writer… the guy is always a writer.  As I said in another review, we’re not that interesting.

Personal pet peeve – could just be me, but “Total Eclipse of the Heart” is a fine music cue.  Everyone knows that song.  You’re never gonna run into someone who doesn’t… but then “Fuck the Pain Away” by Peaches?  No clue, and it stops the read for me every time.  Now I feel like I have to go listen to that song on youtube for the scene to really hit.  I have a hard time believing that’s a commonly known song… but maybe I’m giving my musical knowledge too much credit.

I literally want her to blow Zach away to be honest…

Zach “rolls” over

Man, this is like the 3rd one of these that has gone from sex to completely absurd… something

Hey, there’s a song I know!  

None of that felt earned. It’s tough to foreshadow in a 9 page script, but there was no indication – at least to me – that it was gonna culminate in a murderer love story.

Not particularly "rom," not particularly "com." I liked some of the writing though, so that’s something.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-I have a single credit on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have almost made $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Another that is just so not a romcom.

Written well enough though it's fairly clear where it's going from the start.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Zack
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Thanks to all who read and reviewed!

For those of you who feel as if I wasted your time, very sorry. Wasn't my intention. I truly did try to put my own spin(which is admittedly pretty twisted) on the Romcom genre.


Quoted from Angry Bear


Romantic comedy is a genre with light-hearted, humorous plotlines centered on romantic ideas, such as how true love is able to surmount most obstacles.


I believe my story mostly adheres to this. Two sick serial killers unknowingly target one-another, only to discover each-others secrets and fall in love. Not very light-hearted, I know. But still...

Maybe if the comedy was improved, this would have landed better. Oh well. I tried my best, so I have no regrets.

Rene, I'm not a serial killer. Please, come hang out with me. I'd love to show you my skin collection.

And Jeff, my man, sorry you ended up in a ball gag and thong. Must admit, I was going for a cheap laugh there.

Thanks again everyone. Very happy most of you thought the writing itself was pretty good.

Zack


MY RATING SYSTEM

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Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  February 18th, 2019, 2:55pm
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Philostrate
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack,

Nothing to worry imo.

The script is well written, one of the bests I've read from you, and it may work better outside the OWC.

Best of lucks with it.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack,

There's nowt to be sorry about, as my review and others said you produced a well written script, it just wasn't very romcommie (a new genre created there, romantic Soviet bloc inspired film making).

Definitely haven't wasted anyone's time,

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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