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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Some Valentine Strange - OWC
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  Author    Some Valentine Strange - OWC  (currently 901 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Some Valentine Strange by The Chad - Short, RomCom - A very strange man chooses a hooker as his Valentine. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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Bonus points for starting off with Bonnie Tyler. I would have also accepted Belinda Carlisle or Blondie. However, those bonus points are removed for using "Nights in White Satin". That's my song. Lol.

As for the actual script, I didn't feel as though there was much of one. You could see the ending coming a mile away because of how weird Zach acts right off the bat. There also wasn't much explanation for why Frankie did what she did to Jeff because Zach picked Frankie out of the blue. Was it just a coincidence that they were like each other? I'm just not a big fan of plot conveniences. The script was mostly clean, except for a few typos.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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So, obviously, using exact songs either works or pisses peeps off.  If it really "works" in terms with the plot, go for it.  If not, don't.  We'll see...

I don't see any reason for the song, nor do I know if it's suppose to be playing throughout, but...I do like what I'm reading up to Page 3. Dialogue seems authentic, and both characters seem to have some character.

OK, the song comes back on and "works".  Good job.

Absolutely no reason for a FADE TO:.  Leave this garbage off.

I don't get it...at all.  ROMCOM, this ain't!  No how, Sir.  Not even close.  No humor here at all, and for me, this really doesn't even come close to adhering to this challenge.

With the end being so vague, even in the genre that it seems to be, horror, we're left clueless as to what just went down here...and why.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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StevenClark
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Writer,

Iím confused. Pisser? I laughed at the inclusion of Jeff in thon
and ball gag, but if this isnít a pisser itís certainly far from a rom com. So, pisser it is. Maybe. I donít know.

Good effort anyway!

Steve


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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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Sweet lorda mercy Daisy, this one's high as a kite, have you changed your weed supplier?

Did you not get the memo... this one...


Quoted Text

Welcome to the January/February 2019 OWC.  Your challenge, should you chose to partake, is to write a properly formatted script 5 - 10 pages, not including the title page.

Theme: Love/Romance

Genre: Rom-com


https://lifeofrileysite.yolasite.com/resources/Jayonna%20Wick.pdf

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."
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ReneC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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Ten pages. That'll start a nice fire.

Must have been fun to write. Maybe even cathartic. But you just had to share it. It doesn't even attempt to fulfill the rom com requirement, and I won't buy the argument that serial killers have a different sense of romance and humour.

Whoever wrote this...I'll keep my eye on you, and we're never going for drinks. Not even coffee. You scare me.


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,


Quoted Text
ZACH
Iím gonna eat your heart you
fuckiní whore!


Can't you just feel the romance in the air.

Okay so obviously a pisser. Wish it came with a warning so I could have passed it by, especially with so many to read.

Not a rom com in any way.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Behind the wheel is ZACH LEE, 26, thin, awkwardly handsome.
He is dressed nice. A button up t-shirt, cleanly shaved, his
hair is even combed over.


A bit clunky of an opening. I can't really see what "awkwardly handsome" is - don't need he's dressed nice if you describe it anyway and what is with "even his hair is combed over'? You say it like it's a surprise.


Quoted Text
The small sedan is parked in the dark, dingy alley.


Sedan confused me at first - thought it was a different vehicle since you described it as CAR in your opener.


Quoted Text
She shoots him a cautious smile as she walks around to the
passenger side.

FRANKIE
Youíre a strange one, arenít ya?
ZACH
You have no idea.


This would have to be a convertible if they're chatting while she's walking around the car.

Of course she would want her payment first - why would she trust him. You just told us he lives in a piece of crap.

Okay - not a Rom-com at all. This is another genre bender by a writer who is more comfortable with horror than with Rom-com.

Not for me


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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James McClung
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Strange title. Wouldn't "Some Strange Valentine" have been catchier? Certainly less awkward.

- SUPERIMPOSE: FEBRUARY 14TH, VALENTINE'S DAY - This is a bit much, don't you think? You even have "TH" after 14. How about SUPER: VALENTINE'S DAY?

Many typos and awkward phrasing throughout. I think another pass would catch most of them.

Not for me, overall. In particular, I could see the ending with the dude in the closet from a mile away. In fact, I've read the exact same scenario in more than one screenplay over the years. I'd say it's cliche, but I do have to wonder how prevalent a device it really is beyond my own personal experiences.

I'm not crazy about the concept, but I think there's a way you could spin it as something of a deranged, pitch black rom-com. You might be hard-pressed to do so, as the subject matter is particularly grim, but I'm hesitant to say it's not possible. In any case, the execution falls short of that and comes off much more as an erotic thriller with perhaps some goofy dialogue here and there. There seems to be much more focus on the violence than on humor or even the absurdity of the situation, and the reactions between the couple are more lust and exhilaration than romance.

I'd suggest a reevaluation of tone and tightening up the writing itself. Beyond that, I wasn't particularly stoked on this one and think it's a little too much of a stretch as far as meeting the criteria of the challenge.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Yeah

Entertaining yes

As far removed from a ROMCOM as possible

good job on entering


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Roflcopters...

INT. HEAD - DAY
A brain sits there, it contemplates the challenge in front of it.

BRAIN
Romcom you say?

The brain whirs through its memory banks, stops briefly at How To Train Your Dragon, before it reaches Slashercore V: Return of the Slashy Thing.

BRAIN
Thatíll work...
END

Itís actually really well written, this. It flowed and was visually tidy and a good, fast read. The genre, however, is sooooo far off romcom itís actually kinda funny.

Would actually like to read some of your other stuff, and to see what you could do outside of the blood and gore, but as the challenge goes I think this comfortably missed the mark.

Good luck,

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...

Revision History (1 edits)
Cam Gray  -  February 4th, 2019, 2:38pm
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Philostrate
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Well written, but not a rom com. Not at all.

All the best.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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You have a good title and logline.

You're story could have had so much potential, but you completely ignored the parameters of the challenge.

It's not funny or fair, really.

You could have done very well with the premise and I thought it was intriguing until you went and took it in a direction that really let me down.

I did note, when I was still going to take notes, that they had met in a yucky alley. Hookers usually are on "certain" street corners depending on the city. How are they going to get any customers hiding in a yucky old alley? Business is all Location, location, location.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

I think I have lost count of the amount of entries that have the roses and chocolate already there, in the opening scene, just as props - hope they play a bigger part later on.

I'm not feeling the romance so far - they have just got to his house and the set up is for some kind of murder/horror - I hope you don't take this in that direction, I'm hoping for more of a 'Pretty Woman' kind of thing...

Would a hooker be that trusting of a stranger not to get her money first?

Zach isn't very nice.

oh look attempted murder lol where's the romance?


Quoted Text
ZACH
Iím gonna eat your heart you
fuckiní whore!


Just what every Rom-Com needs lol

Now we have gone from attempted murder to actual murder

Well... it's different.

Outside of the challenge, I like it - Two psycho murderers try to kill each other but are united in their mutual psycho-ness.

Inside the challenge, I don't think this one fits.

Well done on your entry

Matt



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PKCardinal
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, the whole time I'm thinking, "as soon as he said that, she'd be gone." But, then you explain why that works. So, okay, no problem there.

But, romcom? Like a few others I have read, I can see your argument. But, I wholly disagree.

To me, the challenge is to write something you are uncomfortable with, not twist the genre to what you are comfortable with.

I probably would have liked this better for a different challenge, but when I'm expecting a romcom, and I get 2 psychos trying to kill each other... it doesn't matter how you wrap it up... because I'd be at the ticket window 10 minutes in - asking for a refund.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Page 1.   Button up T-shirt?

Page 3.   I like your description of the house. Short and to the point. I can picture it easily without you having to describe every little detail about the neighborhood and such.

Page 4.   You refer to Frankie as he.

Would be kind of funny if Frankie started getting a little worried by now. Like, what if Zack is a psycho or something.

Page 5.   Do prostitutes give out their last names? I think she should insist on only having one name.

Page 6.   So far, I'm not seeing a lot of romance. More like attempt at seduction. Romance is sort of when someone actually likes someone.  

Page 7.   And now it's getting violent?

Zack rolls over...

Hmmm. This didn't quite meet the parameter, IMO.

The fishnets were red, there were roses and chocolates, but they were pretty much just mere props in the background.

There was no romance as far I could see.

But, there is some good news. Your writing was fine.  


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Angry Bear
Page 1.  

But, there is some good news. Your writing was fine.  


The writing here was very good. I wanted to continue reading and that's a really good sign.

It was only when I got to the horror elements that I said to myself, "this belongs in a different challenge" and so I thought, I've got to move on.  




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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hawkeye
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 9:24pm Report to Moderator
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Good start.  Well-written, very visual, dialogue is fine.  I think I see where this is going, let's see.

Nope!  I was imagining a "Modern Family" type Valentine's where Claire and Phil become Clive and Juliet.  This is Claire and Phil become Lara Croft and Freddie Krueger.  Wow.  That took a weird, strange turn, especially when Jeff is introduced.

So.  Most of the elements of the challenge are there, but man, a rom-com?  I think not.

Still, some impressive writing on display!

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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khamanna
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, I can see how you think this might fit under romantic comedy,but I really think it does not.
It is structured well and an exceptionally well-written piece. But it's far-fetched, the characters here do not stand out for me.

And most importantly it started as a porn and ended as American Pshyco 2. I don't know...

The thing with American Pshyco - it's a feature. So, you watch a funny guy kill people and it makes sense. His motivation - he's crazy.

But here I would like a real motivation for some reason. Why they are suddenly after each other. Just being crazy doesn't cut it. I don't know why, probably because features are different to shorts.

And then again, this one is way outside the challenge parameters, too. In my opinion at least.
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DaveTroop
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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Be My Psycho Valentine

This was a nice variation from the norm. Well written and formatted.

I could tell by the inclusion of Total Eclipse of the Heart that something utterly horrible was about to happen.

Glad to see Jeff coming out of the closet.  

Well, I have to give this one ó

Whatís that?  Romcom?  Are you sure?

Sorry.  This was supposed to be a romcom contest.

Thanks for entering though.
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Spqr
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Not a romcom, but if you're going to disregard the purpose of the challenge at least do so with something more creative than just another fight scene thinly disguised as a Valentine's Day story.
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jayrex
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Definitely strange.

In a roundabout way.  This could be romantic for strange people.  A strange man meets a strange woman and strangeness ensues.  But is it good?  I like strange.  I don't think this is my kind of strange.  It's early days.  Maybe next week I'll love it.

Congrats on your submission.


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Conz
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Probably donít need a super that itís Valentineís Day, itís heavily implied.

I like the action writing for the most part, but the dialogue is leaving something to be desired.  Youíre trying to be funny, but it feels like you reigned yourself in a little, and a lot of it is just coming off as generic.

Always a writerÖ the guy is always a writer.  As I said in another review, weíre not that interesting.

Personal pet peeve Ė could just be me, but ďTotal Eclipse of the HeartĒ is a fine music cue.  Everyone knows that song.  Youíre never gonna run into someone who doesnítÖ but then ďFuck the Pain AwayĒ by Peaches?  No clue, and it stops the read for me every time.  Now I feel like I have to go listen to that song on youtube for the scene to really hit.  I have a hard time believing thatís a commonly known songÖ but maybe Iím giving my musical knowledge too much credit.

I literally want her to blow Zach away to be honestÖ

Zach ďrollsĒ over

Man, this is like the 3rd one of these that has gone from sex to completely absurdÖ something

Hey, thereís a song I know!  

None of that felt earned. Itís tough to foreshadow in a 9 page script, but there was no indication Ė at least to me Ė that it was gonna culminate in a murderer love story.

Not particularly "rom," not particularly "com." I liked some of the writing though, so thatís something.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.††

"Career" Highlights
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Another that is just so not a romcom.

Written well enough though it's fairly clear where it's going from the start.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
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Zack
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Thanks to all who read and reviewed!

For those of you who feel as if I wasted your time, very sorry. Wasn't my intention. I truly did try to put my own spin(which is admittedly pretty twisted) on the Romcom genre.


Quoted from Angry Bear


Romantic comedy is a genre with light-hearted, humorous plotlines centered on romantic ideas, such as how true love is able to surmount most obstacles.


I believe my story mostly adheres to this. Two sick serial killers unknowingly target one-another, only to discover each-others secrets and fall in love. Not very light-hearted, I know. But still...

Maybe if the comedy was improved, this would have landed better. Oh well. I tried my best, so I have no regrets.

Rene, I'm not a serial killer. Please, come hang out with me. I'd love to show you my skin collection.

And Jeff, my man, sorry you ended up in a ball gag and thong. Must admit, I was going for a cheap laugh there.

Thanks again everyone. Very happy most of you thought the writing itself was pretty good.

Zack


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Zack  -  February 18th, 2019, 2:55pm
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Philostrate
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack,

Nothing to worry imo.

The script is well written, one of the bests I've read from you, and it may work better outside the OWC.

Best of lucks with it.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack,

There's nowt to be sorry about, as my review and others said you produced a well written script, it just wasn't very romcommie (a new genre created there, romantic Soviet bloc inspired film making).

Definitely haven't wasted anyone's time,

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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