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Bonus points for starting off with Bonnie Tyler. I would have also accepted Belinda Carlisle or Blondie. However, those bonus points are removed for using "Nights in White Satin". That's my song. Lol.
As for the actual script, I didn't feel as though there was much of one. You could see the ending coming a mile away because of how weird Zach acts right off the bat. There also wasn't much explanation for why Frankie did what she did to Jeff because Zach picked Frankie out of the blue. Was it just a coincidence that they were like each other? I'm just not a big fan of plot conveniences. The script was mostly clean, except for a few typos.
So, obviously, using exact songs either works or pisses peeps off. If it really "works" in terms with the plot, go for it. If not, don't. We'll see...
I don't see any reason for the song, nor do I know if it's suppose to be playing throughout, but...I do like what I'm reading up to Page 3. Dialogue seems authentic, and both characters seem to have some character.
OK, the song comes back on and "works". Good job.
Absolutely no reason for a FADE TO:. Leave this garbage off.
I don't get it...at all. ROMCOM, this ain't! No how, Sir. Not even close. No humor here at all, and for me, this really doesn't even come close to adhering to this challenge.
With the end being so vague, even in the genre that it seems to be, horror, we're left clueless as to what just went down here...and why.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Must have been fun to write. Maybe even cathartic. But you just had to share it. It doesn't even attempt to fulfill the rom com requirement, and I won't buy the argument that serial killers have a different sense of romance and humour.
Whoever wrote this...I'll keep my eye on you, and we're never going for drinks. Not even coffee. You scare me.
Behind the wheel is ZACH LEE, 26, thin, awkwardly handsome. He is dressed nice. A button up t-shirt, cleanly shaved, his hair is even combed over.
A bit clunky of an opening. I can't really see what "awkwardly handsome" is - don't need he's dressed nice if you describe it anyway and what is with "even his hair is combed over'? You say it like it's a surprise.
The small sedan is parked in the dark, dingy alley.
Sedan confused me at first - thought it was a different vehicle since you described it as CAR in your opener.
She shoots him a cautious smile as she walks around to the passenger side.
FRANKIE You’re a strange one, aren’t ya? ZACH You have no idea.
This would have to be a convertible if they're chatting while she's walking around the car.
Of course she would want her payment first - why would she trust him. You just told us he lives in a piece of crap.
Okay - not a Rom-com at all. This is another genre bender by a writer who is more comfortable with horror than with Rom-com.
Strange title. Wouldn't "Some Strange Valentine" have been catchier? Certainly less awkward.
- SUPERIMPOSE: FEBRUARY 14TH, VALENTINE'S DAY - This is a bit much, don't you think? You even have "TH" after 14. How about SUPER: VALENTINE'S DAY?
Many typos and awkward phrasing throughout. I think another pass would catch most of them.
Not for me, overall. In particular, I could see the ending with the dude in the closet from a mile away. In fact, I've read the exact same scenario in more than one screenplay over the years. I'd say it's cliche, but I do have to wonder how prevalent a device it really is beyond my own personal experiences.
I'm not crazy about the concept, but I think there's a way you could spin it as something of a deranged, pitch black rom-com. You might be hard-pressed to do so, as the subject matter is particularly grim, but I'm hesitant to say it's not possible. In any case, the execution falls short of that and comes off much more as an erotic thriller with perhaps some goofy dialogue here and there. There seems to be much more focus on the violence than on humor or even the absurdity of the situation, and the reactions between the couple are more lust and exhilaration than romance.
I'd suggest a reevaluation of tone and tightening up the writing itself. Beyond that, I wasn't particularly stoked on this one and think it's a little too much of a stretch as far as meeting the criteria of the challenge.
You're story could have had so much potential, but you completely ignored the parameters of the challenge.
It's not funny or fair, really.
You could have done very well with the premise and I thought it was intriguing until you went and took it in a direction that really let me down.
I did note, when I was still going to take notes, that they had met in a yucky alley. Hookers usually are on "certain" street corners depending on the city. How are they going to get any customers hiding in a yucky old alley? Business is all Location, location, location.
I think I have lost count of the amount of entries that have the roses and chocolate already there, in the opening scene, just as props - hope they play a bigger part later on.
I'm not feeling the romance so far - they have just got to his house and the set up is for some kind of murder/horror - I hope you don't take this in that direction, I'm hoping for more of a 'Pretty Woman' kind of thing...
Would a hooker be that trusting of a stranger not to get her money first?
Zach isn't very nice.
oh look attempted murder lol where's the romance?
ZACH I’m gonna eat your heart you fuckin’ whore!
Just what every Rom-Com needs lol
Now we have gone from attempted murder to actual murder
Well... it's different.
Outside of the challenge, I like it - Two psycho murderers try to kill each other but are united in their mutual psycho-ness.
Inside the challenge, I don't think this one fits.
So, the whole time I'm thinking, "as soon as he said that, she'd be gone." But, then you explain why that works. So, okay, no problem there.
But, romcom? Like a few others I have read, I can see your argument. But, I wholly disagree.
To me, the challenge is to write something you are uncomfortable with, not twist the genre to what you are comfortable with.
I probably would have liked this better for a different challenge, but when I'm expecting a romcom, and I get 2 psychos trying to kill each other... it doesn't matter how you wrap it up... because I'd be at the ticket window 10 minutes in - asking for a refund.
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Good start. Well-written, very visual, dialogue is fine. I think I see where this is going, let's see.
Nope! I was imagining a "Modern Family" type Valentine's where Claire and Phil become Clive and Juliet. This is Claire and Phil become Lara Croft and Freddie Krueger. Wow. That took a weird, strange turn, especially when Jeff is introduced.
So. Most of the elements of the challenge are there, but man, a rom-com? I think not.
Still, some impressive writing on display!
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Ok, I can see how you think this might fit under romantic comedy,but I really think it does not. It is structured well and an exceptionally well-written piece. But it's far-fetched, the characters here do not stand out for me.
And most importantly it started as a porn and ended as American Pshyco 2. I don't know...
The thing with American Pshyco - it's a feature. So, you watch a funny guy kill people and it makes sense. His motivation - he's crazy.
But here I would like a real motivation for some reason. Why they are suddenly after each other. Just being crazy doesn't cut it. I don't know why, probably because features are different to shorts.
And then again, this one is way outside the challenge parameters, too. In my opinion at least.
In a roundabout way. This could be romantic for strange people. A strange man meets a strange woman and strangeness ensues. But is it good? I like strange. I don't think this is my kind of strange. It's early days. Maybe next week I'll love it.
Probably don’t need a super that it’s Valentine’s Day, it’s heavily implied.
I like the action writing for the most part, but the dialogue is leaving something to be desired. You’re trying to be funny, but it feels like you reigned yourself in a little, and a lot of it is just coming off as generic.
Always a writer… the guy is always a writer. As I said in another review, we’re not that interesting.
Personal pet peeve – could just be me, but “Total Eclipse of the Heart” is a fine music cue. Everyone knows that song. You’re never gonna run into someone who doesn’t… but then “Fuck the Pain Away” by Peaches? No clue, and it stops the read for me every time. Now I feel like I have to go listen to that song on youtube for the scene to really hit. I have a hard time believing that’s a commonly known song… but maybe I’m giving my musical knowledge too much credit.
I literally want her to blow Zach away to be honest…
Zach “rolls” over
Man, this is like the 3rd one of these that has gone from sex to completely absurd… something
Hey, there’s a song I know!
None of that felt earned. It’s tough to foreshadow in a 9 page script, but there was no indication – at least to me – that it was gonna culminate in a murderer love story.
Not particularly "rom," not particularly "com." I liked some of the writing though, so that’s something.
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.
"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)