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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  Cupid's Arrow - OWC
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  Author    Cupid's Arrow - OWC  (currently 682 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cupid's Arrow by Hairy Big Balls - Short, RomCom - Dick finally meets the love of his life on a speed dating event.  But will Fanny love him back? 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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hittheband
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:49am Report to Moderator
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I respect the Dick/Fanny Puns . classic

-S


Best,

Sam  
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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, not so much me  (referring to the OPs comment) which btw I hope is not the author doing a hit n run of his own. I could be wrong of course...

I tried to like this cause I like the premise of speed dating but I'm sorry to say the lines were too cornball and hackneyed for my taste. And it came off as a bit rushed with quite a few typos.

Perhaps if Dick had some genuinely complimentary and charming lines for Fanny interspersed with all the puns I might have found him more endearing and more three dimensional. Just a thought.

Btw,  'aptronym' - would Fanny even know what that means? Dick is definitely Dick by name and Dick by nature. The anal line (complete with duplicate word) just didn't land either, especially not coming from Fanny.

Promising in the beginning, I liked his clarification of the cocktail pun but if filmed I think I might be groaning more than laughing.

Hope we see more of you, Writer.




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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Everything about this script wants to say pisser

          DICK
Iím currently working on a clever
idea.  Itís a romantic comedy about
a stupid vampire who is in love
with a girl who is deathly afraid
of the dark.

and the discussion from the posts


What's with the 'A True Love Story' on the right and 'Cupidís Arrow Called Snatch' on the left of every page????

dick, fanny, sex, blowjobs blah blah blah  teenage humor at is finest

Good job on entering



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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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At the opening - Give us a sense on where Dick is in the bar.


Quoted Text
Cupidís Arrow Called Snatch


The above - an odd header on page 2.

The names don't land with me humor wise. May with others.

There are some extra spaces in many of the dialogue blocks.


Quoted Text
FANNY
Well I like to reserve
judgment. Too many players these
days. Iím just here because my
friend drag me along.


dragged.

I appreciate the effort - but for me, the humor didn't land. It had to be too blunt to make the puns work and as a result the dialogue seemed forced - as if it's only purpose was for the pun.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ReneC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:08am Report to Moderator
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Speed dating! That's how to keep the page count down! Wish I'd thought of that.  

And the premise is wasted on a pisser. Although, if this had gone full slapstick I would probably have laughed my ass off. It has potential as an SNL skit, but there's nothing romantic about this.

Blissfully short. That's my Statler and Waldorf review.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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I mean - definitely a pisser, right?

Says he's an orphan, followed by three examples of screenwriting orphans? then the mention of the vampire idea from the other thread, and the overall, well pisser'ness of it.

I don't like the crudeness of it, although one line made me smile, which then annoyed me lol But it's a pisser, so you don't care right? If I wrote this and showed it to my other half, she would be pissed at me.

Anyway, it is what it is. Well done for taking part.



Revision History (1 edits)
Matthew Taylor  -  February 4th, 2019, 10:14am
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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,


Quoted Text
Hairy Big Balls
Brought To You By Snatch.com


I'm on the title page and youíve almost lost me already, but I'll push forward.


Quoted Text
DICK ALCOCK


Oh god, do I have to read this one?


Quoted Text
FANNY BUSH


And I'm out. This kind of stuff does absolutely nothing for me. I wouldnít have enjoyed the attempts at comedy.

Not for me.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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IamGlenn
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hi,

Hairy Big Balls? Snatch.com? Ok...

This one didn't work for me. I can see the attempt at humour but very little landed. A lot of Fanny and Dick puns, which gets old pretty quick. Not for me.

Good luck,
Glenn


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StevenClark
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Wow. I thought my pseudonym was pushing the boundaries. Well, this is clearly not a serious entry. Or maybe it is. But I suspect a pisser ó it starts out of the gate but doesnít stop. Probably a missed opportunity here because I think the dialogue would have been funnier if you left everything normal ó their names, your pseudonym... all of it. Didnít you see that this might have worked if you left all the silliness out? Oh well. It was a bit of fun anyway.

Steve


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 3:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer...

Okay, Iíve been accused of pisser-tastic scripts in the past, but this should probably be a bar with which to judge potential pissers against. Jeff, take note!!!

First off, regardless of the complaints it is kinda creative? Maybe creative? Shit, Iíve no idea, it wasnít roflcopter funny, definitely not a romcom and it just rambles. Not for me but well done on entering.

Cam

P.S. my OWC Leprechaun Pride script was called a pisser, but Iím comparison to this it reads like Citizen Kane, can we rerun the votes please??


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Spqr
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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If the single entendres were wittier, this might have been interesting. There is no point to this story. No romance. No comedy. Actually, I think these people are afraid of the opposite sex, so they try to gross out the other side so they don't actually have to go on a date. But now, their mutual vulgarity has trapped them into a situation where they either have to face what they are or go on actual date with the other.
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Zack
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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I'm 115% sure who wrote this.

I loved this. Lol. Not a romance, whatsoever. but it's funny as fuck. Maybe I'm just immature, but this is totally my sense of humor.

Fanny has double dialog lines on page 2. A couple of typos throughout, I can tell this was rushed.

"Anal will make my hole weak."   Fucking brilliant. I seriously almost died. Though there is a typo in the sentence you wrote.

And you even referenced(word for word) one of my OWC ideas I shared in the other thread. Makes me feel special. This is one of my favorites thus far.

Great stuff.

Zack



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Zack  -  February 14th, 2019, 7:29pm
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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 11:37pm Report to Moderator
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Man, these rom-coms are like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're going to get.

A fair amount of dialogue seems contrived just so you could squeeze in a joke - "I've never encountered a Dick before.  I mean person with your name. Of course I've had it."  "Likewise, you're my first Fanny. From which country does your name originate?"  "I believe it's french." "Nice to meet you too. I'm Dick. "  "I'm Fanny. Fanny Bush."

Here's the thing, stuff like that wears thin, quick.   But humor is a subjective thing so I dunno, maybe there's a portion of the sane world out there that will laugh themselves silly over this one. This one didn't work for me.  Kudos for finishing. -Andrea


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

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THE TIME GUARDIAN

https://lifeofrileysite.yolasite.com/resources/Jayonna%20Wick.pdf

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Interestingly snatch.com is not nsfw

Start reminds me of a Carry On film or a Confessions ... fingers crossed!

Aptronym - awesome I learnt a new word in amongst all the double entendres.

I love that the word 'orphan' is an orphan

Shame this was mistyped -  But anal will my my hole weak.

I'm not sure I'd fully say this is a romcom, there's a lot of com and ton of smut but rom - not so much.

But I really liked it - made me chuckle, good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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