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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Cupid's Arrow - OWC
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  Author    Cupid's Arrow - OWC  (currently 1083 views)
Don
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:27am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cupid's Arrow by Hairy Big Balls - Short, RomCom - Dick finally meets the love of his life on a speed dating event.  But will Fanny love him back? 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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hittheband
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 2:49am Report to Moderator
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I respect the Dick/Fanny Puns . classic

-S


Best,

Sam  
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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, not so much me  (referring to the OPs comment) which btw I hope is not the author doing a hit n run of his own. I could be wrong of course...

I tried to like this cause I like the premise of speed dating but I'm sorry to say the lines were too cornball and hackneyed for my taste. And it came off as a bit rushed with quite a few typos.

Perhaps if Dick had some genuinely complimentary and charming lines for Fanny interspersed with all the puns I might have found him more endearing and more three dimensional. Just a thought.

Btw,  'aptronym' - would Fanny even know what that means? Dick is definitely Dick by name and Dick by nature. The anal line (complete with duplicate word) just didn't land either, especially not coming from Fanny.

Promising in the beginning, I liked his clarification of the cocktail pun but if filmed I think I might be groaning more than laughing.

Hope we see more of you, Writer.




Short Fuse OWC Writer's Choice
Scooter
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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Everything about this script wants to say pisser

          DICK
I’m currently working on a clever
idea.  It’s a romantic comedy about
a stupid vampire who is in love
with a girl who is deathly afraid
of the dark.

and the discussion from the posts


What's with the 'A True Love Story' on the right and 'Cupid’s Arrow Called Snatch' on the left of every page????

dick, fanny, sex, blowjobs blah blah blah  teenage humor at is finest

Good job on entering



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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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At the opening - Give us a sense on where Dick is in the bar.


Quoted Text
Cupid’s Arrow Called Snatch


The above - an odd header on page 2.

The names don't land with me humor wise. May with others.

There are some extra spaces in many of the dialogue blocks.


Quoted Text
FANNY
Well I like to reserve
judgment. Too many players these
days. I’m just here because my
friend drag me along.


dragged.

I appreciate the effort - but for me, the humor didn't land. It had to be too blunt to make the puns work and as a result the dialogue seemed forced - as if it's only purpose was for the pun.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

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ReneC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:08am Report to Moderator
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Speed dating! That's how to keep the page count down! Wish I'd thought of that.  

And the premise is wasted on a pisser. Although, if this had gone full slapstick I would probably have laughed my ass off. It has potential as an SNL skit, but there's nothing romantic about this.

Blissfully short. That's my Statler and Waldorf review.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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I mean - definitely a pisser, right?

Says he's an orphan, followed by three examples of screenwriting orphans? then the mention of the vampire idea from the other thread, and the overall, well pisser'ness of it.

I don't like the crudeness of it, although one line made me smile, which then annoyed me lol But it's a pisser, so you don't care right? If I wrote this and showed it to my other half, she would be pissed at me.

Anyway, it is what it is. Well done for taking part.



Revision History (1 edits)
Matthew Taylor  -  February 4th, 2019, 12:14pm
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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,


Quoted Text
Hairy Big Balls
Brought To You By Snatch.com


I'm on the title page and you’ve almost lost me already, but I'll push forward.


Quoted Text
DICK ALCOCK


Oh god, do I have to read this one?


Quoted Text
FANNY BUSH


And I'm out. This kind of stuff does absolutely nothing for me. I wouldn’t have enjoyed the attempts at comedy.

Not for me.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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IamGlenn
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Hairy Big Balls? Snatch.com? Ok...

This one didn't work for me. I can see the attempt at humour but very little landed. A lot of Fanny and Dick puns, which gets old pretty quick. Not for me.

Good luck,
Glenn


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StevenClark
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Wow. I thought my pseudonym was pushing the boundaries. Well, this is clearly not a serious entry. Or maybe it is. But I suspect a pisser — it starts out of the gate but doesn’t stop. Probably a missed opportunity here because I think the dialogue would have been funnier if you left everything normal — their names, your pseudonym... all of it. Didn’t you see that this might have worked if you left all the silliness out? Oh well. It was a bit of fun anyway.

Steve


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...

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Hey Writer...

Okay, I’ve been accused of pisser-tastic scripts in the past, but this should probably be a bar with which to judge potential pissers against. Jeff, take note!!!

First off, regardless of the complaints it is kinda creative? Maybe creative? Shit, I’ve no idea, it wasn’t roflcopter funny, definitely not a romcom and it just rambles. Not for me but well done on entering.

Cam

P.S. my OWC Leprechaun Pride script was called a pisser, but I’m comparison to this it reads like Citizen Kane, can we rerun the votes please??


Stuff I've done:
The Dollop Podcast - Voyage Of The HMS Beagle https://tinyurl.com/y9poervu
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Really Important Person Book Club Podcast https://tinyurl.com/y9bkuhqf
Rebecca Wong Is Not Happy https://tinyurl.com/y97zwyhc
Algorithms For Loss https://tinyurl.com/ybx77pfv
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Spqr
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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If the single entendres were wittier, this might have been interesting. There is no point to this story. No romance. No comedy. Actually, I think these people are afraid of the opposite sex, so they try to gross out the other side so they don't actually have to go on a date. But now, their mutual vulgarity has trapped them into a situation where they either have to face what they are or go on actual date with the other.
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Zack
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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I'm 115% sure who wrote this.

I loved this. Lol. Not a romance, whatsoever. but it's funny as fuck. Maybe I'm just immature, but this is totally my sense of humor.

Fanny has double dialog lines on page 2. A couple of typos throughout, I can tell this was rushed.

"Anal will make my hole weak."   Fucking brilliant. I seriously almost died. Though there is a typo in the sentence you wrote.

And you even referenced(word for word) one of my OWC ideas I shared in the other thread. Makes me feel special. This is one of my favorites thus far.

Great stuff.

Zack

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Zack  -  February 14th, 2019, 9:29pm
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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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Man, these rom-coms are like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're going to get.

A fair amount of dialogue seems contrived just so you could squeeze in a joke - "I've never encountered a Dick before.  I mean person with your name. Of course I've had it."  "Likewise, you're my first Fanny. From which country does your name originate?"  "I believe it's french." "Nice to meet you too. I'm Dick. "  "I'm Fanny. Fanny Bush."

Here's the thing, stuff like that wears thin, quick.   But humor is a subjective thing so I dunno, maybe there's a portion of the sane world out there that will laugh themselves silly over this one. This one didn't work for me.  Kudos for finishing. -Andrea


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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Interestingly snatch.com is not nsfw

Start reminds me of a Carry On film or a Confessions ... fingers crossed!

Aptronym - awesome I learnt a new word in amongst all the double entendres.

I love that the word 'orphan' is an orphan

Shame this was mistyped -  But anal will my my hole weak.

I'm not sure I'd fully say this is a romcom, there's a lot of com and ton of smut but rom - not so much.

But I really liked it - made me chuckle, good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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James McClung
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
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"Hairy Big Balls."

"Dick Alcock."

"Fanny Bush."

*groans*

The jokes are too easy to be funny. Immature, and yet they feel like dad humor. Beyond that, there's not much to say about this one. No plot, but it's a speed date, so fuck it. It occurred to me at one point that Dick should ask more questions to learn more about Fanny, but neither character is really developed, so what does it really matter?

You really wiped out on the "anal will my my hole weak" typo. Seems like that was supposed to be some kind of show-stopper.

Consistent. I'll give you that. But lame. Meh.


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khamanna
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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I've got to be honest - I laughed a lot. So many jokes. I even laughed when he entered her Fanny digits into his phone and dialed. And her phone rung and he hang up. It was kind of funny you spelled his every step out like that.

Haha "i'm an orphan" - now why do I know who wrote it. Haha, about the vampire who is in love with a girl afraid of the dark. A lot of insider jokes - but well presented. And funny.

When she said at the end "photography, anything" - he could reply "pornography".But he didn't. He should.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 4:09am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from eldave1
At the opening - Give us a sense on where Dick is in the bar.



I would think this is obvious: Somewhere around BIG HAIRY BALLS.  



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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That scent...I know that scent.  It's urine!  And from the title page alone, I think we have ourselves another pisser.  Let's see...

"DICK ALCOCK" -     Yep, looks to be a pisser.

FANNY BUSH - HA!  Thanks for including my last name in your script.

What's with "A True Love Story" on the bottom of every page?  And then, "Cupid's Arrow Called Snatch" on the top of every page?  Damn...that's actually quite funny..you replaced "CONTINUED" with these little phrases, didn't you?  Genius..pure genius!!!!

The dialogue is terrible..great job!  Pissers read better when the dialogue is so off.

Page 3 - Dialogue is great here. I'm laughing out loud!

"aptronym" - Just learned a new word.  See, peeps?  Pissers can be real learning tools!!!

"orphan" - Genius!  Whoever you are, you've got a winner here!  Love how many of the lonely little redheads you have running around here.

"Your smile has made my whole
day.  But anal will my my hole
weak." - HA!!!     Not sure if the typo is intended or not, but if I were you, I would write this out correctly (with the misspellings, of course)  But anal will make my hole weak.  Damn, that's actually really funny!

HA!  And there's a line of dialogue taken directly from the OWC discussion page about the vampire.  Funny shit, bro!

And, The End.  Well, it is what it is and I bet most are going to literally hate this, but for me it's quite funny and even pretty intelligent at times.  It wreaks of urine, but that's the smell you want coming off a good old fashioned pisser.  It works and I appreciate it.

***1/2



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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LC
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 2:00am Report to Moderator
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Manxman, feel free to post your review again -

Minus the personal attack.


Short Fuse OWC Writer's Choice
Scooter
Mollycoddled
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Gary Howell
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Normally I don’t mind pissers because there’s usually some nuggets of comedy gold in them. I felt like this was just a middle finger to the orphan and format police on this site. So not much to say about this except that it wasn’t for me.


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Philostrate
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Pisser or no pisser I liked the premise of speed dating. That was clever.

The humor was crude and didn’t land for me, but I appreciate the effort.

IMO - the second half wasn’t as creative as the first: the classic 'I'm a screenwriter' device, a borrowed idea about a vampire from the other thread and an insider joke about orphans felt rushed, not very imaginative.

Anyway – not a bad effort.

Good job on entering.


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PKCardinal
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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I'm still fairly new here.

Now I know what a "pisser" looks like.

Thanks for sharing?


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Conz
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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I mean, “Hairy Big Balls” and snatch.con aren’t giving me much confidence… but I’ll look past it.

No one in their mid 20s is named “Dick.” I guess that’s a joke?

Fanny Bush… oh man, this is already too juvenile for me, I can tell.

Mother “always” says “never say never?”  I guess that’s also a joke?

Does Fanny really need a line of dialogue thanking the waiter?

Speaking of orphans, you have so many action lines that carry over one word.  That never looks good on the page.
You could’ve easily tightened that up.

Decent number of typos.  Feel like you wrote this with an hour to submit.

Oh man, don’t make the character a screenwriter…

I’m being harsh, but I don’t understand what the point of that was.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

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Dreamscale
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Conz
I mean, “Hairy Big Balls” and snatch.con aren’t giving me much confidence… but I’ll look past it.

No one in their mid 20s is named “Dick.” I guess that’s a joke?

Fanny Bush… oh man, this is already too juvenile for me, I can tell.

Mother “always” says “never say never?”  I guess that’s also a joke?

Does Fanny really need a line of dialogue thanking the waiter?

Speaking of orphans, you have so many action lines that carry over one word.  That never looks good on the page.
You could’ve easily tightened that up.

Decent number of typos.  Feel like you wrote this with an hour to submit.

Oh man, don’t make the character a screenwriter…

I’m being harsh, but I don’t understand what the point of that was.


It's a pisser, Conz.  The orphans are on purpose.  I bet most of the obvious mistakes and lame dialogue are also on purpose...or at least I hope.

Where's the love, peeps?  This one is funny...at least to me.  


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Zack
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from Dreamscale


Where's the love, peeps?  This one is funny...at least to me.  


Even though this is OBVIOUSLY a pisser, it's still one of my favorites. Funny enough, I was certain you had written this one Jeff. Actually, I kind of still am.  

Zack
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack


Even though this is OBVIOUSLY a pisser, it's still one of my favorites. Funny enough, I was certain you had written this one Jeff. Actually, I kind of still am.  

Zack


I did not write this one.  I PROMISE!!!!!  And I rarely every lie..other than when I'm in Mexico or Vegas, and my life depends on the lie.





To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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jayrex
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 6:51pm Report to Moderator
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Got to thank everyone who attempted the read of my script.  It was obvious that it was a pisser.  And for those of you who obviously noticed and enjoyed it for what it was.  I'm happy.  

For the rest that thought this was serious.  Seriously?  Come on!

Glad some people learnt something new too.  It's not just a piss-take but educational too.

I grew up watching Carry on films.  So perhaps I was inspired!

The orphans were on purpose.  Hint hint nudge nudge.

And the screenwriting bit.  You have Zack's imagination to thank for that.

I'm really surprised Jeff liked this.  I think this is the first time ever this has happened to me.  And I joined way back in 2006.  I think I've found my calling.

I'm curious what this Manxman said.  I must have really offended the dude.

All the best.


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