SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is August 13th, 2020, 2:15pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
Week 5 Scores and Who Wrote What of the
The Writer's Tournament

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  The Proposal - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Proposal - OWC  (currently 816 views)
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:30am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
The Proposal by -  Slug Horn - Short, RomCom - A nerdy lawyer gets up the nerve to propose to his girlfriend of three years. But his proposal results in some very unexpected consequences. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:18am Report to Moderator

Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

The Great Southern Land
Posts Per Day
We'll, this was different...

Um, is this written in Courier? It looks odd. I will focus on story and let Jeff point out your formatting idiosyncrasies, how's that?

Lie v lay
That much I will add.

I'd personally do away with the opening banter between Mary and Sheila.  It's exposition mainly and though mildly amusing doesn't add too much overall.


Chocolate covered roaches?

I thought for a minutes she'd confused them with chocolate covered rose petals, or something else?

That said , sorry to say, I didn't get their hypnotic effect, on Mary, nor the radical change of mind Mary has.

I like all the French stuff and you set the mood well.

Short Fuse OWC Writer's Choice
Private Message Reply: 1 - 22
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:23am Report to Moderator


Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts Per Day

Don't want to focus too much on formatting, but it's all over the place here. Don't know what software you used, but I'd recommend a different one.

The dialogue, from the get go, is pretty tough to get through. Sorry, had to bail about halfway through. So, so much unnecessary dialogue and huge action blocks.

Wasn't for me.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 22
Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:35pm Report to Moderator

What good are choices if they're all bad?

Nowhere special.
Posts Per Day
It is refreshing to see Times New Roman because you hardly see that anymore. It was interesting to follow this story as it went along because, spelling- and grammar-wise, you had almost no issues in the beginning and they started to pile up more and more as you went along. The story itself was going fine, I was in for the ride, but then... the roaches. Unfortunately, I don't think your script survived that choice.

Private Message Reply: 3 - 22
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Cut to three weeks earlier

London, UK
Posts Per Day
This script reads more like a drama with romance and ends with silliness.  I didn't get the comedic part.  I also thought the ending didn't quite flow with the rest of the story and Mary's character.  Just felt out of place.

Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 22
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Southern California
Posts Per Day
The formatting is off. Scene headers don't have the proper spacing  - may want to consider a software change.

Break-up your descriptive passages a bit so we can see them in distinct chunks. e.g., at least to me:


Quoted Text
MARY, 24, tall, slim, long hair, is dressing for a date. She’s wearing a chic
form-fitting red dress, cleavage-revealing white blouse and tie with a matching
red vest. Her girlfriend is SHEILA, 23, short, moderately overweight, laying on
the bed munching on chips and candy.

Is easier to digest as this:

MARY, 24, tall, slim, long hair, is dressing for a date. She’s wearing a chic
form-fitting red dress, cleavage-revealing white blouse and tie with a matching
red vest.

Her girlfriend is SHEILA, 23, short, moderately overweight, laying on
the bed munching on chips and candy.

Quoted Text
That flower is in your hair is working the hell
out of that vest, girl…

I think you lose Dennis' voice here - doesn't sound like something the character you established would say.

I found the dialogue between the two a bit boring. Sorry - maybe just me.

No - I didn't buy the roaches as a device for total character change. Sorry.

Congrats on entering - the story didn't do much for me though.

My Scripts can all be seen here:
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 22
irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 3:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

There`s too much blood in my alcohol

Upstate New York
Posts Per Day
The script format trying to be more clever than the story.
90 minutes later should be a super not in a slug.

I got through the story and there wasn't much there to entice, just a back and forth between the couple with roaches apparently the weakness for Mary.

Not great sorry

Good job on entering

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 22
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day
As already noted... formatting is very off, no idea what software you are using but it needs changing... and you don't normally put scene numbers in a spec script.

Right, onto the story.

She wears a form-fitting red dress over cleavage revealing white blouse - writer is a man

Ellipsis are three dots ...

This was a little predictable, well until the ending!

The ending, sorry just didn't work for me.

Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays -
Available Feature screenplays -
Screenwriting articles -
IMDB Link -
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 22
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Sydney, Australia
Posts Per Day
Hi Writer,

This doesn’t look like a script at all. I'm sure there is a lot of free software out there that you can use.

Not really much going on here. The dialogue is over the top and on the nose.

Sorry but this one wasn’t for me.

All the best.

To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website


Shaka Comic Book

Private Message Reply: 8 - 22
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Posts Per Day
Hi Writer,

I appreciate the effort, but the story was a little boring for me - sorry.

It was rather predictable until the end where the change of heart of Mary felt very out of place.

The weird formatting didn't help.

Good job on entering, though.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 22
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Posts Per Day

I imagine there are a lot of comments on formatting. Please listen to others, formatting is important. It should be Courier New, page numbers should go in the right-hand corner.

Just look up other scripts to copy the format.

The opening is passive. A lot of passive continuous tense. "is dressing" better be just "dresses"

The dialog reads somewhat stilted but that's a question of a rewrite.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 22
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

Posts Per Day
The first scene told us all we need to know about Mary's relationship with Dennis, making the scene in the restaurant mostly superfluous. Perhaps you should go straight to the scene where she rejects him. And her reaction to the chocolate roaches is so extreme, you might to drop a hint earlier on that this was a possibility so she doesn't come off as a total nutjob.
Logged Online
Private Message Reply: 11 - 22
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 5:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Bowden, Alberta
Posts Per Day
Hello Writer,

The story had some strength with identifying the female character's weakness: in that she was willing to settle.

The dialogue felt a little too on point.

The end with the roaches came out of the blue and that is negative for me.

Mostly, though, you have something here so good work.  


A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 22
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
Posts Per Day

Quoted from LC
Um, is this written in Courier? It looks odd. I will focus on story and let Jeff point out your formatting idiosyncrasies, how's that?

And here's Jeff!!!!!

Title page looks off.

Yeah, we have issues here immediately.  The font is off, it appears to be all bold, spacing is off, and what's with all these numbers?  Lots of free screenwriting software out there - GET SOME!!

Opening Slug is incorrect - start with the biggest thing, then work down to smaller.  This should be INT. MARY'S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT

Oh boy, so many issues in the first passage!  Passive writing, overwritten, and the old "lay/lie" problem.

Dialogue does not remotely sound like 24 and 23 year old chicks!

GET RID OF THE CONTINUED on every page!!!

I'm sorry...I just don't have time for this any longer.  Best of luck.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Private Message Reply: 13 - 22
Cam Gray
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 7:16pm Report to Moderator

23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...

Posts Per Day
Hey writer,

I won’t put the boot in, I’ll just keep it brief as things seem largely covered above.

I think you’ve probably used word, download an old version of Celtx for free, it’ll save you. Cut down your description passages, keep it active. Really trim your dialogue, a lot of it we get the point after two lines but it rolls for nearly a page.

The story was a bit odd but there’s an idea there and that’s the main thing, now practice on getting it across to the reader and you’ll be singing/dancing/happier.

Well done on entering, get some practice in and come back swinging next challenge round.


Stuff I've done:
The Dollop Podcast - Voyage Of The HMS Beagle
Devolution of the Species Podcast
Ian's Gone Postal
Really Important Person Book Club Podcast
Rebecca Wong Is Not Happy
Algorithms For Loss
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 22
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006

*No, it isn't