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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Food For Thought
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Don
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Food For Thought by Anonymous - Short, Drama - A native tribe comes to grips with social upheaval - pdf, format


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The boy who could fly
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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After I read this line "She raises a humongous butt cheek. A thunderous FART sends
Billy on his way" I thought there would be some hope, but no, this didn't even work as a spoof script, first and most, this was supposed to be about carnivores not cannibals, so it failed on the theme.  Was well written on a technical level, but the joke didn't work.  


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Well, here we go again...yet another pisstake!  Unreal.

It's well written, and some thought obliviously went into it.  It's even funny in many places, but for me it dragged on too long and became rather stale.

Not bad though.  Good effort.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Ryan1
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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This was a really hard one for me to get through.  I understand the writer was going for nothing but comedy, but the story itself just completely bogged down halfway through and became nothing but punchlines being thrown around.

I like how you gave your characters the exotic Amazonian names of...Roger and Nancy?

This felt like an SNL skit that dragged on far too long.
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greg
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Quoted Text
She raises a humongous butt cheek. A thunderous FART sends
Billy on his way


One of the more classic lines of all the scripts on this site.

Unfortunately, the script got real old real fast and I honestly didn't find it that funny.  Around page 8 I was ready to call it quits.  In terms of the theme this didn't work at all.  In terms of a comedy it didn't really work either.  And why do some people put underscores instead of hyphens?... I've been noticing that a lot lately.

Sorry.  Didn't do it for me.


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pwhitcroft
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll make notes as I go..

Pg 1 – Typically “MORNING” in a slug counts as “DAY”.

This first page sets this going well.

Pg 3 – I like the exotic location and the family dynamic you have set up. I’m not sure the comic elements of this are working for me.

Pg 5 – “the city of Cleveland is a complete shithole.” – He’s obviously never been to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame!

Pg 8 – For me this is wearing thin. I think it’s because it’s very dialogue based and there is nothing serious about it that I can feel invested in.

Pg 12 – It kind of fizzles out into a love fest.

Overall I like the location, I like the mixed roles, and the fact that you have pushed this to extremes. Unfortunately it’s the nature of comedy that it is hit and miss based on personal taste, and for me this was a miss.


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stevie
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was ok. Right, its a comedy but has some undertones of drama with the tribe's dilemma.
What is it with Cleveland? Is it really that bad a place to live? I've noticed it cops a bagging in a few scripts.

Anyway, the writing was quite good, no formatting probs.   Good try


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Cam17
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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"What is it with Cleveland? Is it really that bad a place to live?"

Cleveland.  The mistake by the lake.  I know, I'm from there, as are a couple others who lurk on these boards.  This link should answer all your questions, Stevie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZzgAjjuqZM

On to the script.  I knew there had to be at least one cannibal tribe story in this OWC.  And here she is.  But, not what I expected.  Didn't get why their names would be Nancy, Brian, etc.  But, I guess that was part of the joke.  It does read like a skit that just drags on.  A couple funny lines, but not enough to justify the script's length.


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Trojan
Posted: May 19th, 2010, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah this one was well written, a good effort. I agree that shortening it would probably help it, and/or having a couple of less characters. There were some funny lines in there though, and overall it was a decent attempt.

Cheers,
Tim.
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grademan
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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The jungle. A new setting for this OWC.

The fart heard round the jungle.  A cannibal fart no less. From a jungle woman named Nancy?

Why do vegans have to be gay?

Why do vegans kill/cook outsiders for their cannibal neighbors?

The ending was  too warm and fuzzy for me.

Comments aside, I thought it was good and used your imagination.
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TheRichcraft
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Why I don't commune with nature.  I might wind up as the main course.

Unreal script.  Forced comedy.  Just sad.
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Bizarre and left of center, more comic than drama. Giving the tribal members "western" style names was a little odd; took it out of the setting too much. Maybe one guy could have a European style name, but the rest should fit the head hunter vibe.

Read like a Saturday Night Live skit that just meandered; could have used some more conflict and higher stakes, even in the comic aspects.

Just OK for me.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Coding Herman
Posted: May 20th, 2010, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hahah.....this feels like a mockumentary with a South America jungle setting.

Although this has quite a few comedic moments here, this is still within the drama genre.

The dialogue here is probably the highlight, even though some of them are totally unbelievable and unrealistic. But at the end I feel the dialogue exchange is way too long, it kinda drags without moving the story forward.

Writing-wise is good, format is good as well.

I kinda liked this, good job.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 21st, 2010, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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This one didn't really work for me. I saw it as a joke and not really a serious effort for the OWC. It could have been funny if this script was on it's own, but unfortunately I'm really tired of this OWC by now. This is my last script to read of the bunch.

It ran way too long and didn't make sense in any way to me. Never mind the names and that he was very tall and Nancy was very huge. Amazonian natives are closer to pygme size than that.

The humor wasn't really there for me either. Maybe I'm just tired of this OWC.

I did however enjoy the setting. At least it wasn't set in a restaurant.


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jwent6688
Posted: May 24th, 2010, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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Ha. Good one Stevie. Had to read since you mentioned the Cleveland reference. Cam and Jeff have both long since moved out. I'm still stuck here.

Loved momma getting his arse out the tent in the beginning with a hefty fart. It did get a little flat for me in the middle. Loved the references to modern tech and Cleveland.

Ended nicely. Good work, especially for a week. You've always had a nitche for comedy. Had to read yours. Wasn't dissapointed.
James


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stevie
Posted: May 25th, 2010, 2:56am Report to Moderator
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Cheers James, glad you dug it.

Yeah, I've been paying out on Cleveland in each of my last few scripts! Its taken over from my Beatle refs.

Someone asked why I gave the natives normal names - I couldn't be arsed making up foreign 'ooga booga' type names!

Thanks to all who read and commented

stevie


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 25th, 2010, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Stevie, for an obvious pisser, I liked this one.

I think it was well written and had alot of funny shit in it.  It went on a bit too long, IMO, and the middle started to drag, but that's probably cause you continue with the same line of comedy, and it just got a bit old.

Good effort for sure, here bud!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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James McClung
Posted: June 2nd, 2010, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Not great but I will say it worked for me. The majority of the humor came from the fact that it was a cannibalistic tribe in Africa and yet they all spoke like normal dudes, at times even like white suburbia. This joke carried through the whole script so even though not everything zinged, it was able to sustain itself just the same. The "I'm gay" bit brought a smile to my face as did the Cleveland and PowerPoint bits. Pretty cute. Even though this was obviously taking the piss, it did stand out amongst the others. At least to me. At the very least, a change of scenery... literally. Not an easy feet in any OWC. I get so tired of reading the same shit, whether it be good or bad. So kudos, dude. Not bad.


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stevie
Posted: June 3rd, 2010, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the read and comments James.

Although this was a comedy, i still tried to use the theme in it, vegans v carnies.  So, i guess it worked for most people.


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