Divorce Colorado Style by Khamanna Iskandarova (khamanna) (Two Tents)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - No Logline - pdf, format

Very cute read. Good take on divorce. The formatting was decent and it moved along fine.

Also considering this was a one week challange, you did very good. The song so worked in this.

Good job.

Shawn.....><

I thought this was sort of interesting. A skiing competition to see who gets what in a divorce. I liked that idea.

The writing itself was fine. Could possibly be a tad tighter, but no biggie at all.

All the characters were fine too. Even the longhaired cynic Uncle Phil.

The lyrics were great in my mind and came at the perfect moment.

I also think it worked very well as a romantic dramedy.

Good job!

PS. my comments were short because there wasn't much to complain about.  

i thought this was a very interesting premise, a very unique one at that.  what i found admirable, was that your script did incorporate all of the following criteria -- romance, comedy, drama...all except it  expanded to 13 pages!  stupid formatting, lol!

next time you upload a script on here, you should check out celtx.  it's a formatting software you can download for free.  

i'm assuming that you did this on microsoft word.  the text is really faint and there are a lot of spaces, making the script look sparse.

i agree with one of the posters, i think it could def. be tighter in the descriptions.  i found that some were kinda rambling.  

This is the first entry I've read so I can't really compare it to anything else but I liked what I read. The idea of the ski match to settle the custody battle was original and worked well to frame the story. The lyrics aligned well with the tune and sounded good, and I thought you did a reasonable enough job toe-ing the line between comedy and drama.

The only complaint that I had while reading was that there wasn't much tension between the two as I would expect most couples filing for divorce to have. I think it makes sense considering you showed that neither one of them wound up wanting it, but I still would've liked to know how they both wound up in the situation in the first place. Obviously there was some tension with the singing/guitar playing but I think this one could've used a bit more backstory. If we knew at the beginning that neither one of them wanted the divorce in the first place or atleast saw that they filed for divorce for the wrong reasons, then that'd add sme tension to the skiing competition as the reader would be left in suspense throughout the story as to whether or not the two would recognize their mistake in time. As it stands, I didn't feel invested enough in the fate of the two main characters.

Hmmm. Not sure how I feel about this one. It's creative; the idea of a skiing competition to determine who gets what in a divorce-it's a little dark, especially when Uncle Phil drops that bomb on the kids. I thought with the ammuntion they were going to do some shootin', but it was just a description for the ski gear. Shannon, at eight, wouldn't be saying Diborcing unless she had a serious speech impediment. The ending was OK as far as reintroducing a bit of romance with the fake hip injury, but by that point the damage had already been done; Those kids are going to need some therapy. I'm good with dark comedy, but Mason and Irene come off as selfish, mean-spirited and cold, conducting this display in front of their kids and pets (True, they weren't supposed to know the implication except for Uncle Phil...He should have kept his mouth shut.) I suppose it is an accurate allegory for divorce, however, just the outcome being determined by skiing instead of sitting in a lawyers office.

Some of the Irene's lines could be tightened.

You could have made it clear they are both singing the song they made up together, so instead of "lyrics" it should be "IRENE AND MASON (together)". The last song you formatted fine. I got the idea what's going on but this could be a distraction.

When at the end Mason "plows" on skis here and there, you could have Irene tell him to remove his skis. And this way she would notice how concerned he is with her (so concerned that he's walking around on skis).

Overall, I liked it. liked the premise too! But not the lyrics.

DIVORCE COLORADO STYLE

Pros – Well written. Pace was quick.  Exposition was revealed during the ski matches.

Cons – No need for description like “the match of their lifetime” or “An intent glare” but I quibble. Irene faked her injury and the race to get Mason singing and playing guitar again?  I guess things are different in Colorado

Comedy – Cute. Not forced. (Sorry for using “cute” but that’s the word that my data bank came up with) This could be rated G!

Romance – Romance was there but had a hard time feeling that Irene and Mason connected at the end. They talked to each other as if playing a game. Certainly, no "War of the Roses."

Lyrics – If I understand correctly, the music was used once as a ditty used to split Irene and Mason favorite things and used as a song at the end to show Irene that
Mason was listening about playing guitar again. Inspired.

Writer – Great job. I have but one suggestion. Find a tag line for the push off at the beginning of the race like “First one down gets the Monet!” only not that lame.

Criteria – Met.  Great use of lyrics.

Gary

Really like the premise here.  Also think you did a good job with the music, and even the lyrics.  All in all, I think you met the challenge quite well.

I do have multiple problems with some things though.  The skiing stuff is off in so many ways.  Not sure if you are a skier or not, but there are defintely issues here and reality checks that should have come into play.  Also, do not like Uncle Phil at all.  Actually wish he was completely taken out.  The kids should be a bit older, IMO.  Biggest gripe with the writing is the "Nurses".  There are not any nurses that run onto a ski hill when someone goes down.  Same deal with the "Emergency Center" thing, and the Dad "skiing" in.  Way off, and it really takes away from the read.

Biggest issue though is that you went over the 12 page limit, which, in my mind is not acceptable.

This is a good effort that cold be tightened up into a nice little romantic comedy.  Good job!

Actually this script is shorter than 12 full pages. The first page is the cover page. The script itself starts on page two.  

Hmm, this was a strange one. Kudos for the original idea but I couldn't really get into it.
Format was good, style ok.

Yeah, not one of my faves.


Ok, i've read all the current ones up. Will go back and rate them.

OK, then.  I stand corrected...guess the page numbering is just off then.

thought this might work as an animated piece...with the stretcher and all...simple straightforward type of story...not a whole lot of comedy, but it's tough to have romance, comedy, drama, and fit the lyrics into just 12 pages...i've reviewed most and everyone (including my own) seemed to have to sacrifice one of the elements in order to have some kind of story...decent effort...

Very interesting take on the theme as well as divorce. I was happy to see the song really take an active role in the story rather than embellish it like most of the others have done. I think I enjoyed Uncle Phil the best here. Cranky old men are usually fun onscreen and it helped balance out the romantic aspect of the script. The romance does have a hard time coming through early on, just given the subject matter. Divorce is no fun for anyone involved. The twist works well although I'm not sure Mason planned everything to end up this way. How exactly did he plan to surprise Irene and why would he want to put himself through so much hassle to do it? These questions need answering. Otherwise, a generally well balanced piece with a lot of thought put into it.

In one of my other critiques, I mentioned that I thought it didn't have enough of a spin.

Well, this one fulfills that aspect completely. It's very original and the writing is strong.

I had to laugh here:

The two perfect kids, Brandon and Shannon, with their two
dogs, and their Uncle Phil, a long haired cynic,

Stealing real people as characters? Or are you shrouding the shroud?

Here:

Two male nurses, NURSE 1 and NURSE 2, appear with a
stretcher. The kids and Uncle Phil trail behind.

I thought this came on a little to suddenly. Maybe show a time lapse.

This is high caliber.

Sandra

Nice little piece... i wonder what their divorce lawyers would have thought of this arrangement.

I do argue though, i did like the lyrics and they did mention the theme, but i would love to see them all fit on a 56 second piece of music. They would have had to have been song like machine gun fire.

This was very close to getting all of the criteria. I got the romance, and it was a little drama heavy. But the comedy eluded me for the most part.

All in all good work, even though i've read better scripts for the OWC so far, they didn't make as much effort to encompass what was asked as much though...

Which is what, IMO, the challenge was about...

nice work regardless....     James

Man, this was bizarre.  A skiiing competition for the custody of the kids and the house?  Original, though.  Can't say I've read a story quite like that.  Didn't have too much dramatic tension or comedy, IMO.  Aside from Uncle Phil, none of the characters seemed very real to me.  But, the situation itself is so far removed from reality, that everything has to be taken with a grain of salt.

What impressed me most was your song.  I can tell you put some real effort into it.  The lyrics were good and it just worked.  

A decent effort for an OWC.

Absolutely superb premise, very original and inventive.

Didn't think the story quite did the premise justice. I think it's very hard to write something in such a short time and I think you should revisit this script and improve it later. It's definitely got the legs.

At the moment it's a little light in comedy and too expositional, you've done a great job using the lyrics so much for the challenge, but the song thing gets in the way of the actual story for me.

It would also be better if you made the actual skiing more exciting.

Good effort though. Great idea.

Yeah, nice piece. Original take on the challenge given. As has been said your action lines (visuals) needed a beef-up so that we can actually get the images of where we are. Loveland Emergency Centre - that slug made me smile. Lyrics were pretty good. Overall, quietly enjoyable but needs a finesse.

Totally original, and with two sets of lyrics. Wow. I admire the inventiveness, even though I think it didn't quite come off. Who are Brian Coxon and Maggie that they first compete for? Did you change the kids' names? The children's reactions are unrealistic. They should be far more fearful (I know, I've been there). I'd like to know more about Irene and Mason's relationship. Are they bitter? Sad? Angry? And more detail on how their feelings are affected as they win or lose the races to the flags. Maybe a teeny bit of flirting on the slopes to indicate there is still hope for the marriage -- we need some romance. I'm not sure how the fresh lyrics resolve their differences. Maybe she felt the marriage was cramping him and he needed his freedom to write, but now she realizes she isn't a drag on his creativity? Still, full marks for even attempting something so unusual.

For me to really get into a story I have to be able to buy the premise. And the premise in this story seemed so unbeievable to me that it kind of lost me from the start. I mean it is an original idea and well done for thinking outside the box but it is just completely unrealistic. It seemed others liked it though so maybe it's just me.

I thought the descriptions and the dialogue were pretty clunky at times, could definitely be made tighter. A lot of the dialogue seemed on the nose and felt forced.

I'm not too sure about the ending either. They go from wanting a divorce to deciding to stay together far too easily. I think it's a problem due to only having twelve pages to work with and trying to have a complete story with a happy ending, so I think if you had more space to work with you would have drawn it out more.

Also thought it was strange that the two nurses just appeared out of nowhere.

Overall a decent effort but it didn't really hit the mark for me.

Cheers,
Tim.

Thanks to all who read and left notes.

Sandra, yeah, that bit you addressed is way too sudden - I already fixed that in the rewrite (or something that I call pre-rewrite).

LC - I'll change the slug, somehow haven't notice, now it makes me smile too.

To those who complained about dialogue/lack of romance/tension - will definitely think about it and hopefully do my best.

Anyway, just want to let know that I value (and for the most part agree) all the comments being sent my way... and thankful!

Hey khamanna, I kinda liked this script. Straightforward and simple. It had me laughing a bit at the beginning when I realize what they are really doing. A nice little story.

Something you can improve on:

- You can make the skiing contest more exciting, i.e. show us more skiing action instead of just having them skied down.
- Don't have Irene having that fake broken hip, it feels a bit over the top. I'd rather have her really breaking her hip.

Quoted from Coding Herman Hey khamanna, I kinda liked this script. Straightforward and simple. It had me laughing a bit at the beginning when I realize what they are really doing. A nice little story. Something you can improve on: - You can make the skiing contest more exciting, i.e. show us more skiing action instead of just having them skied down. - Don't have Irene having that fake broken hip, it feels a bit over the top. I'd rather have her really breaking her hip.

Thanks for the read. I edited but started thinking about the big rewrite. All good points - thanks.
Oh, my first version didn't have the broken hip and then I decided to add that for the last line "who bailed out" "mom...dad...mom...both". I wanted her to bail out as well. But yeah, when I finished writing I thought the same - a bit over the top.
I'm glad it made you laugh. Most of the reviewers didn't think it's funny.
And I thought it wrote a comedy

I thought the situation was funny, but not the story itself. If that makes sense? But it is very creative.

The songs fit and I appreciated that they weren't too syrupy. I like that they talked about everyday life.

I can't imagine someone, if they're in a hurry, not taking their skis off tho!

Someone else suggest that you make the kids older. I agree. If you did it might make for funnier lines and if those line were about their parents, let us get to know them a little better. They're interesting characters... i wanted to know more about em. But I know, 12 pages!

Sorry i didn't get to this eariler.

Quoted from khamanna Thanks for the read. I edited but started thinking about the big rewrite. All good points - thanks. Oh, my first version didn't have the broken hip and then I decided to add that for the last line "who bailed out" "mom...dad...mom...both". I wanted her to bail out as well. But yeah, when I finished writing I thought the same - a bit over the top. I'm glad it made you laugh. Most of the reviewers didn't think it's funny. And I thought it wrote a comedy

Don't worry about over the top. Over the top is good. It only matters in how YOU feel about it and your connections to the piece as a whole.

I think we always need to define a  purpose-- if not at first, then eventually. What the hell are we doing? Trying to make people laugh? Connect on some level? Connect with THEM on some level? Study something that we, ourselves would like to know more about? ...

When we write, I think it always starts with a question. And it's our job, to answer the Qual:

We are given all the tools to use and amuse. That's all that really matters. The hope is that we will be filled with joy and not despair; yet, and with regret and sadness, one cannot exist without the other.

I thought this was a very creative premise. Two people fighting over who gets what, but it's not the way we think.

What I liked about this one is that it wasn't burdened by a heavy tone of seriousness.

It just teetered towards that side of understanding between these two partners that were experiencing turmoil in their relationship.

Sandra

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. What I liked about this one is that it wasn't burdened by a heavy tone of seriousness. It just teetered towards that side of understanding between these two partners that were experiencing turmoil in their relationship. Sandra

Thanks, Sandra for this. That's what I aimed for.

And I see your point about the question and the aim when we write. I guess I live it too - revised and haven't changed a thing, I mean no major changes were done to the script.

The best way to see (really see) things in different light is to wait (for me nearly a month) and then read it again. I agree with so many reviewers but yet not ready...

Quoted from Astrid I thought the situation was funny, but not the story itself. If that makes sense? But it is very creative. The songs fit and I appreciated that they weren't too syrupy. I like that they talked about everyday life. I can't imagine someone, if they're in a hurry, not taking their skis off tho! Someone else suggest that you make the kids older. I agree. If you did it might make for funnier lines and if those line were about their parents, let us get to know them a little better. They're interesting characters... i wanted to know more about em. But I know, 12 pages! Sorry i didn't get to this eariler.

Thanks, it's nice to see that people still reading. That means OWC is not over yet - Yey! I'll be waiting for another one.

The revised version is already up! Thanks, Don.