The Package by Anonymouse2 - A mysterious package wreaks havoc on a Psychiatrist's home office. 5 pages - Short, Horror, Action

This is written by a polished writer, whose style I believe I recognise.

The writing was  much better than the other two I've read so far. It felt much more like a real world.

The story, left me a little cold. It was all disconnected. Random events that didn't link particularly coherently.

Hello writer

This is very well written - I followed it all without tripping up, very clear imagery in my head - This has to be from one of the SS regulars.

It was creepy as hell - I would not watch this short, purely because it would scare me too much. So kudos on the horror part. The action part? A little light I would say, but it's only 5 pages so I'm not going to mark you down for it.

I liked it - Good job writer.

Matt

I really felt I was in the midst of an intriguing, mysterious, scary tale but the story components left me scratching my head.

Fluoxetine (more common name Prozac) indicates our main guy, Phil, is suffering depression and the doc makes a comment about looking forward to seeing him putting himself out there. Btw, using the brand name would have been a better idea imho.

However, Phil, from what I can gather has just paid the doc a visit under false pretenses and is just scoping the place out for the location of the Safe.

Then a/the Package is delivered.
Nice spooky placement, but how it works in with the rest of the narrative I don't know.

When you brought the package back at the end I felt almost drawn back into the creep factor (but with all the buildup) I'm still left wondering what the Bobbleheads had to do with anything.

You write very well and know how to build suspense but I have a feeling half the story was left in your head and didn't make it onto the page. Jmho.

I thought the writing on this was very good.  Obviously a sure hand at work here.

There were a couple of things that threw me -- I don't really know the motivation for Phil, as a patient of the doctor, to rob the doctor.  I think he should at least make some offhanded remark to Lou about why they're hitting the place.

Another thing I'm not sure about is the mysterious delivery of the package.  We don't know who it's from or why it's delivered to this doctor.  Usually in horror movies there's some connection with the horror being perpetrated and the victims.  This just all happens very randomly, it seems, but I may have missed something.

I did like the horror elements and suspense you brought into play, but I'm trying to figure out the second genre other than horror.  Perhaps action? No sci-fi or comedy.  I'm not going to ding you for it, given the difficulty of the challenge and the otherwise good writing on display here.

Best of luck,
Gary

Pretty good stuff!

Notes as I read:

Clear writing, but meandering tone and set up. The opening descriptions kind of lull me to sleep. I'm not sure why some of them are even included. Do we need the detailed description of the neighborhood, including the trio of boys? Do we need to see him drinking scotch? I'm not sure how this sets up his character in any essential way.

But then things take off!

Very nice idea on the bobble head. My interest perks right at this point.

Then the writing is very nicely executed. I think the writer is very familiar with horror/action writing.

My one criticism would be the convenience of the timing of the arrival of the bobble head. It just happens to come the same day he's about to be robbed, and that's not explained. When the robbers first arrive at the house, I guessed incorrectly where it was going. I thought maybe one of his clients had some psychic awareness of the danger he was about to be in, so the gift was sent to protect him. But it turned out, as far as I can tell, that the arrival of the doll on the same day as the robbers is random. As a result, the story ends up not being tight...unless I am missing the connection. I will check back periodically to see if someone explains it for me.

Many elements to like here. Each part is satisfying, though the whole is not. It's just a bit too random. My guess is when this is over, you'll add a couple of pages and have a really fun script. I'd just like to see the package have some sort of connection to the overall story. That is, it feels like the story doesn't work without knowing the "who/why" of the package.

I'm guessing this is a target of opportunity for Phil. There's really no need for him to fake symptoms to gain access... they break in at night. Given that, I'm surprised their plan is to kill the good doctor. Neither here nor there, but thought I'd share my thought on that.

Anyway, I enjoyed the read, and it's a good entry. Well done.

Title is good.  Logline is good.

I prefer reading the script completely and then commenting, but here, I have to jump right in on the writing.

What is a "suburban"?  Is it a make of car?  If so, it needs to be Capped.  "sedan" is a very generic descriptor of a kind of car.

The opening 6 passages appear to be non relevant, and overly descriptive, ending with the birds chirping, which is most likely completely unnecessary.  Let's see...

The wrylie isn't correctly formatted, as they sit on their own line.

Story - I don't get it...at all.  The way it's written, it's to be taken seriously, but nothing makes any sense...as in no semblance of sense.

Characters - No real character for any of these characters.

Dialogue - Nothing great or remotely memorable here.

Prose - Way overwritten and with loads and loads of completely unnecessary filler.  We have almost 5 full pages and very little happens.  What's here could easily be written in less than 3 pages.

Criteria - There is horror, there is some action, and there is a bobblehead.  What the bobblehead is doing here is a complete mystery and that's not the good kind of mystery.

You're lucky, because based on how the scoring goes, you will score much higher than you should, but I have to base my score on how the scoring was laid out.  This is not a good script in any way, but it will score much higher than it should, sadly.

pg. 2 - ‘opens the flaps the box’ missing an ‘of’.
pg. 5 - When Lou smashes through the wall, I was under the impression they were on different floor levels.

The possession of the doctor was pretty creepy, though him in the corner reminds me too much of ‘The Blair Witch Project’. I would try to shake up the reveal of his new form. I found the first half of this script too slow-paced. Things definitely pick up in the second half, still I do not think this can be classified in the action genre, unless it were more drawn out.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text The large two-story colonial bakes in the summer heat. The front lawn has recently been mowed, the bushes trimmed, etc.

I hate seeing "etc" in a script, it's just lazy writing. It's your story, tell us what you want us to see. I think the point was made with "recently been mowed, the bushes trimmed" anyway.

Quoted Text A trio of NEIGHBORHOOD BOYS, 12-14, ride their bikes along the sidewalk.

Do their ages somehow matter to the story? Boys riding bikes would be enough.

This already seems like it's going to be over written.

Quoted Text nice, mahogany desk

You're a writer, surely you can find a better descriptor than "nice".

Quoted Text DR. GOODMAN (CONT) I’ll see you back here Thursday the... (checks cellphone) The eighth. That should be long enough for you to see some real results. In the meantime, I want you to continue to put yourself out there.

While doing a wrylie this way may save you a line, it looks bad and would be better formatted correctly.

It's definitely over written.

Quoted Text INT. DR. GOODMAN’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER

No real need for LATER, we assume it's later with the full slug change, the only reason we wouldn't is if you used CONTINUOUS in the slug.

I don't think some tires squealing and a couple of O.S. gunshots make this an action so this is straight horror. No fusion of genres.

Here we have some stuff-just-happens-because horror, my absolute least favourite kind. The entire bobblehead angle is so underdeveloped it makes no sense at all. I'm pretty sure I know whose calling card this is.

Not for me.

All the best.

Didn't really see any Action in the script so didn't really hit the fusion bit for me.

It's well written, couple of errors that a tidy up would fix, but...

It all feels a little disconnected at the minute.

The bobblehead - where did this come from and why, did I miss something.

The progression of events here is very slow.
A lot of detail that doesn't matter in my opinion. A queen sized bed. Or the description of the kitchen.
There's much more on the prose side that you could cut I think.
It's just all that overwriting (imo it's overwriten) gets in the way of the read and my mind wanders off.
Overall it's hard for me to connect with it for some reason. I want to but too much distraction I guess.

I found this to be a slow read.  The story crawled along.  The action limited, the horror short lived.

It was well written and the bobble head doll featured a bit.  The doctor looking and acting maniacal would be better off dead killed by the doll.

And before Phil can exit, the door closes on him.

This is straight up horror. The action isn't genre-specific, it's necessary for the horror. The horror is really well done, but it fails to meet the criteria in my mind.

Great visuals with the bobblehead and Dr. Goodman. I love that it was hand-carved and the effect was creepy, though you could probably skip the red eyes.

It would have been nice to know something more about the why though. The story isn't about who's targeting Goodman or what's behind the creepy possession/transformation, it's just the inciting incident for the robbery gone wrong. Outside of the challenge, the question would be why a bobblehead, and unlike many other entries this one doesn't even bother to give a hint.

What I don't get is the package in Phil's car. Why is it there? Is Bobblehead Goodman responsible? How did he do that? If it's someone else...again, how? Why?

Great writing, you nailed the horror, strong visuals, but the story and especially the ending could be better.

Dr Goodman was not intrinsic to the story. He just happened to live in the house Lou and Phil broke into. And maybe it was too much coincidence that the evil doll took over Goodman's body on the same night that the break-in happened. At the end, Phil is spooked by the drumming coming from the box beside him. What if the drumming is instead coming from inside the glovebox and it starts slowly opening...

The main character was not intrinsic to the story?

I had to check that horror/action was one of the fusion choices, lol.

Yeah this was written pretty well but hurried towards the end. In this day and age of terrorism, would someone really just pick up a strange unmarked package from their doorstep? Hmmm

Anyway i think this is the last to review so off to do the scorecard   got quite a few DNR's lol

Hi Writer,

I liked the atmosphere and the suspense you created, but didn't fully understand the story.

I may be wrong, but it reads like two stories in one.

On one hand we have Phil, who pays Dr. Goodman a visit under false pretenses to came later and steal the safe. And, on the other, we have that mysterious package containing a creepy hand-carved bobble-head doll that transforms Dr. Goodman with some kind of dark supernatural magic. But I can't see the connection, unless there's none, and the burglars simply were in the wrong place at the wrong time. But in that case, where did the package come from?

I can't say I didn't enjoy the story, I did - it's well written, the visuals are strong, etc. - but you did so well creating suspense, that I wanted more.

I think it's a good effort, though. The challenge parameters were tough and you did a good job.

David

Just a few unanswered questions with this one. It all just makes me wonder, but not in a good way. The sender of the box and bobblehead needs some sort of explanation. It just can't exist with zero context. Same with a box just appearing in Phil's car. What's the relationship that would heed a box to both individuals?

Almost half a page of neighborhood description on the first page too. It could have simply been described as a nice suburban neighborhood. Too much detail that didn't matter.

I wish I cared about someone in the story. I was hoping that Phil was remote controlling the doll, at least.

A good 72 hour effort, though.

The Package

The psychiatrist's physique isn't what I expect from his occupational field---

Well, I then saw it all coming along the road while the true mythology of the box hasn't been explained only the slightest.

You tried for atmospheric writing, which was okay to some degree albeit the plot should read quicker regarding its true content.

Not sure at all why Phil chose to rob his therapist - maybe the expensive interior but it's all been vague… The writing was trying and felt much better than what it story-wise could stand for. Still not bad. Keep going. Your effort to serve as good as possible was noticeable.

I really like this script. I am a film student. I am trying to contact the writer to get permission to use it for a small project in school. I emailed you. Would appreciate hearing back. Thanks.

I am new to this forum. How do I give this script 5 stars?

Hi GJ, welcome to SS. I'm not sure who wrote this one.
You can Email Don: webmaster(at)simplyscripts.com to obtain the writer's details.

We don't have a star system as such on SS but I'm sure the writer would love to know you'd give it 5.

Good luck with your project and hope to see more of you.

Libby