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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  An Abandoned Mine, a Golden Chalice and... - WT2 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    An Abandoned Mine, a Golden Chalice and... - WT2  (currently 1441 views)
Don
Posted: June 10th, 2019, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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An Abandoned Mine, a Golden Chalice and a Beast Named Blondie by Knock, Knock. Who's there? - Two young boys accept a "quest" from a strange neighbor. - Short, Comedy


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Warren
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:31am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
Behind him, a marshmallow struggles to keep up. Well, not a
marshmallow.


This doesnít really work for me.


Quoted Text
Dexter pokes Puffy in the arm. POP. He pokes again. POP.


POP? Where is the pop coming from?


Quoted Text
DEXTER
Literally wrapped in bubble wrap.
For a bike ride.


I think you should add this in the initial description. Set up what we see so we have the full picture initially.


Quoted Text
BARTON
Itís a magical item with special
powers, bestowed upon me by my --
2.
PUFFY (O.S.)
-- Itís a whistle.


Funny


Quoted Text
BARTON
Had my brother set it out.
(to Puffy)
Iíve been watching you. Thought you
needed an adventure. And, since I
needed company...


This exposition isnít great. Would have been nice if we could have gotten there some other way. I realize that is hard with the page limit, but still.

The sewer really could have been anywhere, but itís there.

I did laugh a few times and I can see the other attempts at comedy.

From the title I thought it might be a pisser, thank god it wasnít.

Not bad at all.

All the best.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 5:01am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I quite liked this.

The boys adventure stuff worked nicely. I personally thought the stuff with the dog was a little dark compared to the tone of the rest of the script. It came across more as frightening than comedic in nature.
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LC
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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It's not bad. A couple of amusing moments in there.

I liked the bubble wrap going off with the the dog attack. Btw, I thought Puffy was a dog at first...

Old Man Barton's desperate attention seeking is a bit on the creepy side.



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Zack
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 10:52am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Another lighthearted script. This one works better for me. It's a cute little story.

Not laugh out loud funny, but humorous none-the-less. And a clever use of the whistle.

Only thing I didn't really like is the title. It's a mouthful. Lol

Really good work here.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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jayrex
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:45am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

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I like this one.  My fav so far.  Enjoyable, fun to read, nice take on the whistle objective.  Good use of the sewer.  And possibly easy/cheap to film.

This one meets the objective for me easily.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:49am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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I hate the opening Slug, but it's fine, I guess.

What follows is not fine, though.  I tried to copy/paste the passage here and it came out as gibberish - I mean even more gibberish than we see on the page which is very odd.

Anyways, Puffy, marshmallow, and this winter coat don't make any sense and the writing is extremely awkward.

So, first, Puffy is wearing "a thick winter coat, white, down-filled, and a football helmet".  Now, it seems that has morphed into bubble wrap?  WTF?

This is quite strange, and not in a good way.  I don't get it, nor do I find any of it funny.  I see attempts at humor, but very few will find anything funny here.

Story - none

Character - not much

Dialogue - Ok, not bad, not good.

Prose - not at all good.

Criteria - Well, we have a sewer, we have a whistle, and we have comedy, but the sewer part is extremely weak.  OK, I'll give you the points...guess I have to.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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jayrex
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:56am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

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Quoted from Dreamscale
...

Story - none

...



This is harsh Jeff.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:58am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Quoted from jayrex
This is harsh Jeff.


Harsh?  How so?

It's true.  There is no story here, but you loved it for some reason.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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There is a story. A simple coming of age tale wrapped up in a comedic quest vehicle.

You're not going to get War and Peace in 5 pages.


Of course, you maintain the right to not like the story, for whatever reason...
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
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11431
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
There is a story. A simple coming of age tale wrapped up in a comedic quest vehicle.


Coming of age?  They're 11 years old!  And they live in a small town that has sewer grates in everyone's backyard for some reason.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
You're not going to get War and Peace in 5 pages.


No, I doubt that.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Of course, you maintain the right to not like the story, for whatever reason...


I don't like there not being a story, nor do I like the premise, setup, or execution.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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3380
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Coming of age?  They're 11 years old!  And they live in a small town that has sewer grates in everyone's backyard for some reason.



No, I doubt that.



I don't like there not being a story, nor do I like the premise, setup, or execution.


It's obviously a very shitty place to live.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
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11431
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films


It's obviously a very shitty place to live.






To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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jayrex
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

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In my old house in Ireland.  There was a closed off sewer in our utility room.  An extension built onto the house. Itís not impossible.


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khamanna
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hi
I didn't understand why Barton needs it. Just to help Puffy have an adventure? And why would Dexter hang out with someone like Puffy?
I also didn't like the dialog on the first page - seems disjointed and also, Barton comes out of nowhere all of the sudden.
Did the boys even need the money?
This one doesn't come together for me. But good characters and good dialog past page 1.
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