The black rat should be named Sammy

Oh wait Junior.... hmm close enough I guess lol

Quoted from stevie The black rat should be named Sammy Oh wait Junior.... hmm close enough I guess lol

The red rat should be named "Hagar", for The Red Rocker!!!

Others have pointed out the odd shift in tone at the end, so, I won't. (Except, I guess I just did.)

I was smiling through most of this. It was just fun.

Agree that there was no story at all. Just a day at the "beach" for these little rats. I wish we could have followed these guys through a story, with the same banter along the way. That would have been more fun.

And, if you're going to call them the Rat Pack, and name them as such... shouldn't your story play on those elements more directly? Wouldn't this be set in the sewer's "Vegas" area? Or, at the very least... a sewer in Las Vegas, with all the Vegas sewage floating by. Sure, it's more adult, but then the last joke doesn't get too much more adult.

Still, a mostly good job.

Hello writer

Do police officers still use/carry whistles? They used them back in the day when bobbies still walked the beat in order to call for back up (pre radios) - in England anyway.

Quoted Text JUNIOR I bet this ain't the first time those two convicts slid into a shitty manhole.

Wow - not a kids animation then lol

It's not much of a story - more just a scene. Big tick for the criteria, didn't see too much character. Well written and an easy read.

Well done under some tough conditions, but it's not the strongest of entries - deffo not the weakest - middle of the road.

It�s okay.  When I started reading, seeing talking rats and the pie-rat joke.  I thought this was aimed at children.  Then the tone shifted with the hepatitis joke, then cops as pigs, and lastly the shitty manhole joke.  The criteria has been met.

I�d rewrite this and change the direction aimed at children.

The writing is fine, flows well and only an odd missing word or two stood out.

There was definitely attempts at humour, because in essence the majority of jokes are delivered like a standup routine.

Which unfortunately means there's little in the way of actual story.

The last joke, as mentioned, is a massive swerve... if tyou do re-write this I'd drop the last joke... or make all the others 18 rated

Hmmm...this is more of a scene than a story. A rat trying to impress, who? The boss?

Characters had some development. Kind of got the feel for each one. Were the jokes supposed to be groaners? If so, nailed it! Got to admit I chuckled at the end. Dialog was the strongpoint and decent prose. Got a good mental image on this.

For me, it was just amateur night at the comedy club. Nothing to the story really except as a set up for the rats to spew one liners.

The writing is decent and you obviously have quite the imagination. Just wished you used more of it in focusing on the story.

Just not for me. Sorry.

Hi Writer,

This one was okay. There's not much story, but I liked that you injected some personality into the characters and it was fun. Actually, this line made me chuckle:

Quoted Text JUNIOR Disgusting? Gross? A new hepatitis statistic?

But this other was a major shift of tone:

Quoted Text JUNIOR I bet this ain't the first time those two convicts slid into a shitty manhole.

And an unnecessary one imho.

Overall, I enjoyed it. A decent effort. Probably it's not going to be at the top, but neither at the bottom.

Good job,
David

Hi
So this is a sketch.
So, the characters are there. The dialog is good.
I'm not taken with the story. And I've seen much better sketches that have a point. This one was kind of not easy to get. It's too light for my tastes. No punchline. I say that if you ever write "they laugh" it means that you know your audience doesn't want to laugh and you want them to understand when it's time to laugh. Hope it's not too unclear.
It would be hard to score this one. I mean it does hit the mark on most things, but it's not a complete story. On the other hand it's a sketch and no one said we can't write sketches for this.

This slice-of-life story proves that rats make lousy standup comedians. This story was entertaining, but my problem with it is that the characters aren’t doing much but passing the time. There’s no plot here, so little room for characters to show who they are.

For what the story is. It’s works okay for me.

I give you props for the jokes. It’s hard to come up with word play. Like the pie
rate joke. I couldn’t have wrote that on my own.

Making the rats different gave it good dimension.

I would have like to see if they were good or bad rats. Maybe they helped the cop catch the crooks; or they help the crooks get away.

The hepatitis line was funny.

Well done.

Finally a script that stands out! First in two weeks. No, it's not quite ready for Pixar, but this is good writing.

The writing is clear and flows. Never a need to re-read a single thing.

The characters pop as well as characters can pop in a challenge like this.

Here's a writer that has all the skills needed to craft a story that can SELL. Can craft a story that grabs the reader's interest and HOLDS it. This is close to the one I've been waiting for the last two weeks. A writer that really rises up with his or her talent.

The one flaw here is the actual story. I mean it's almost impossible to have a complete story in one of these 5 pages/72 hour challenges. And this writer only used 3 pages.

The whistle kind of ruined it, but the whistle ruined most or all of these stories.

The robbers being chased by cops didn't do much for me.

But the rats stand out so well that this easily rises to the top of my chart. Which may be a bad sign based on the last round!

Reading through comments. I can see where people say it's a shift in tone at the end. Maybe. Or it also shows Junior and Franky have a very different sense of humor than Dino. So it IS consistent in that regard. Close call. I guess on consideration I agree with the others, probably not the best ending.

I see Rick defended this a lot. Hopefully it is his script....I was harsh on his last one.

Title and log work for me ... since we are in the sewer for all of these!

Pet peeve of mine.. but I hate looking at anything but industry standard ... the spacing is all off. Just my opinion.

Wow this was not funny at all to me. I'm sorry.

And then the gay joke at the end was just tasteless.

Maybe the shit is getting to me reading all these tonight!