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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Rats of a Feather - WT2 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Rats of a Feather - WT2  (currently 1772 views)
Don
Posted: June 10th, 2019, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rats of a Feather by Warren Duncan (Warren)  writing as Rat-A-Tat-Tat - Short, Comedy, Animation - A  sewer rat steals the shiniest object he can find in an attempt to impress his crush. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 24th, 2019, 12:27pm
revised draft
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 2:12am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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A short little lyrical sewer story about the fickleness of the human rat-like heart.

I thought the writer did well to get that ratatouille type animation feel, although a little more zany humour might have been in order. The tragi-pathos feel of the story, of unrequited love and separation from each other wasn't completely successfully alleviated by doses of comedy.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer


Quoted Text
Dark and dank.


Dejavu - Someone else described it like this - seems obvious to me, it's a sewer.

Ah, a pet rat - We have a Lady and the Tramp story here, OK, I'm on board.

Ok... not lady and the tramp, that stuck up rat is a bitch - Wow, you made me hate a rat - well done.

I'm done - I really like this one, one of my favourites so far

I love the cute little friendship between the two rats - It's a straight forward story that is told really well - Funny, cute - Just, well done

I don't know how much you fretted and struggled with this challenge, but you made it look easy with a great script - and one that appeals outside of the tourny - superb



Revision History (1 edits)
Matthew Taylor  -  June 11th, 2019, 9:17am
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LC
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Well, that was very sweet and touching and humorous, and you incorporated all the required elements.
Written very nicely too. Good job.

P.S. Reminded me of Australian Bowerbirds.
FYI:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satin_bowerbird


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PKCardinal
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this. Pretty much everything worked.

I'd suggest losing the God Damn it on the first page. It's not offensive or anything, just not quite in tone with the rest.

High marks all around for this fun read.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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stevie
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Yeah this is well written and all, formatted pretty good. If the challenge called for a Disney type piece of whimsy,etc then itís top stuff.

But thereís pretty much no comedy here. It IS a comedy, sure but itís not funny.

Quite a few scripts in this round - actually nearly all - will be in the same boat for me so please writers, donít take my reviews personally.  If you tackle comedy then it needs to funny straight up. Just a tip for the future, lol



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Zack
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 10:18am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Save for a curse word early on, this is another light-hearted one. One of the best ones so far IMO.

Clear writing, good characters and some snappy dialog. Even liked the end, though Sofie did come out of nowhere. I'll chalk it up to you not having enough pages to properly introduce her.

Really liked this one. It's a fun, cute story.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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I liked this a lot. Very sweet and had nice touches of humor to boot. Nothing to complain about on the writing and it didnít wallow in the muck on the descriptions or language. Definitely one one of the better efforts this go round. Good job.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie

Quite a few scripts in this round - actually nearly all - will be in the same boat for me so please writers, donít take my reviews personally.  If you tackle comedy then it needs to funny straight up. Just a tip for the future, lol


It's a shame you don't incorporate this advice into your own scripts.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Another animated script.  Cool.  I like that...let's see how good it is...

"MARTY, a sewer rat with dirty with matted fur,..." - Writing was looking pretty nice until this.

Oh no - a double aside?  Really?

"typical council work rate" - Huh?  Is this an aside?  Whatever it is, it's a complete waste.

"QUICK FLASH" - Why not use a standard Flashback?  This isn't all that quick?  You've got 2 Slugs, even.  Anyways, I like it...it's a good funny scene.

"Cool as a rotten, stinky cucumber he struts up to the cage." - So, I'm sure most will love this, and shockingly, I like it too, but you're missing a comma here, after "cucumber".

Sofie's intro could be handled better...but who cares, this is a great script, good effort all the way around.  Up there with the very best of the week.

Story - Very solid

Characters - Great

Dialogue - Very good

Prose - Good

Criteria - Yes Sir
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eldave1
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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Well done. Parameters nailed. Writing is very good.

Reminded me of a U2 lyric - one of my favorite lyrics of all time.

I gave her everything she ever wanted.  

It wasn't what she wanted.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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A decent story in the time frame. I do feel the end is weak due to being too convenient. Aside from that, it's a very good effort. Nice work.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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This is a nice tale and is certainly well written.

Wasn't convinced that it is overly comedic. felt too gentle for that.

Though I did find her rebuttal funny.

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Rats of a Feather

Here we go!
Awesome dialogue, good characters, and a well-crafted double twist in act 3. Partly very funny with perfect timing. Also, a super clean performance to me.
I enjoyed it throughout. It gets the fives. I only see fives here.  



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Dreamscale
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from PrussianMosby
It gets the fives. I only see fives here.  


WOOHOO!!!!  It's a great entry, for sure.  Glad someone else gets that.  Way to go, Alex.

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