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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Rats of a Feather - WT2 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Rats of a Feather - WT2  (currently 1771 views)
jayrex
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I nice easy story.  I like it.

How you used the whistle as a gift was good.  It would have been nice if you had injected a bit more humour.  But it's still good.

It's also a good title given Marty and Sofie are identical rats as oppose to Rita.


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Philostrate
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

I liked this one a lot. The writing is great, the characters a little stereotyped but fully formed and with their own personalities, and you nailed the structure for a five pager, which is very difficult imo.

The dialog was pretty good too, with some nice, funny touches.

It jumped right to the top of my scoreboard!

Great job!
David


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leitskev
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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A very well done script. Possibly my favorite so far. Not sure this kind of story will soar too high in the metoo era. Obviously a male-written script. The lady rats come off as pretty shallow. But it doesn't bother me, it's a comedy.
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Spqr
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Good attempt at a rat romcom, but Marty is not rat enough to earn Rita’s. He came up with a plan to get the whistle, but it only worked because the Foreman dropped it when Alfred attacked a co-worker. Marty could have ripped it out of the Foreman’s hand when he had it dangling by the chain, then outsmarted the pack of humans on his tail. And he only made one attempt to win over Rita. A rat’s gotta show commitment if he’s going to win his womanly rat’s paw. Maybe he comes up with plans to dye his fur to match Rita’s, or to get himself captured and hopefully get quartered in Rita’s cage.
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khamanna
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice, writer.
That's a really really good one.
Thanks!
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 14th, 2019, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Another animated one. Was that a requirement? I didn't read through the rules.

Good description of the light through the grates.

A few extra pounds on a rat? Must be a big freaking rat, lol.

Good set-up with the early dialogue. Giving us a mystery that we want to know more about. "What's going on? I have to read on to find out."

Good characterizations as well.

Another clue about some girl. Again, makes me have to read on.

When Marty says he'll give her the shiniest thing in the sewer, I would've liked him to say in the world instead. They are rats that live in the sewer. That is their whole world.

Excellent characterization through visuals with Rita and Marty watching her. Characters is what we connect with.

Good action verbs.

Perhaps a better description of the foreman falling into the sewer water after Al bites him. Seems too easy right now.

Cool as a rotten stinky cucumber! Very good keeping the writing entertaining to read even if not visible on screen.

A tear in Marty's eye. VERY good touch. We can relate to that.

Marty drags the whistle along...  Awesome milking of feelings. That's what movies are about. Make us feel something!

Where did Sofie come from?

Finished. Very cute! The reason you got a winner here is because you have written characters that resonate with us humans. They are disgusting sewere rats, but you have humanized them, so we care.

Great job!

You have sewer. Comedy is light, but there. Whistle plays a good part.



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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 14th, 2019, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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LOVE the title! Love the logline. I had a pet rat once and he loved anything shiny! Would steal jewelry..money....

Way that rat bites, should've called him BEN! or Willard!

This was not LOL funny but it was cute. Love how he gets turned down by the one girl rat but then finds one that likes him back where he belongs... rats of a feather... good title tie in.

I liked this one. Good job writer.
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Kevin_L
Posted: June 15th, 2019, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Great story... Such is life. Love happens when you least except it.  Your characters were great.  I would have told her to step in a glue trap if it was me giving her the doohickey. She just thinks she’s got it good. Her loss.

Kept me engaged from start to finish.

Well done!
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JEStaats
Posted: June 15th, 2019, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Nicely done. Definitely the better of the cartoon rat entries. Great characters and dialog. Good little story and overall writing. Not really much else to say.

Good job, writer.
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ReneC
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Excellent! Great writing, top notch dialogue, a solid story, unique and memorable characters, and it meets the criteria.

All I can do is nitpick it a bit. The setup is terrific, I thought the foremen could have been a little more zany in their reactions, and the interaction with Rita could have been played more for comedy. She's made to be stuck up but it could have been funnier if she didn't see him coming and he's suddenly there and she freaks out like a human would freak out at seeing a sewer rat. What you have works okay, it's just flat compared to the rest.

I don't like the last line. It's a down note on an up ending, you undermined yourself there.

This doesn't feel like a 72 hour script, so take those notes with that in mind. Outside of the challenge you might enjoy adding another page or two to let it breathe, maybe make the meeting with Rita a set piece and amp up the slapstick.

Nearly perfect scores from me. Great job.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Another bump!  

No crit here, just wanted to say congrats to another Aussie as well in this round.  Not surprisingly, well written.   For the record, I didn't have a problem with this line..."Oh, God damn it." I thought it helped with Alfred's characterization. Anyhoo -- congrats. -Andrea


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Warren
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Another bump!  

No crit here, just wanted to say congrats to another Aussie as well in this round.  Not surprisingly, well written.   For the record, I didn't have a problem with this line..."Oh, God damn it." I thought it helped with Alfred's characterization. Anyhoo -- congrats. -Andrea


Thanks, Andrea.

And thanks to everyone else for the comments, I’m glad they were mostly positive


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Warren
Posted: August 12th, 2020, 4:09am Report to Moderator
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An artist friend of mine (Lauren Potts) did up a storyboard for Rats of a Feather last year sometime just for fun, and I only just found out about it because she wasn't happy with it. I think it really captures the heart of the story, and she was happy for me to share it... after some persuasion.

Artist: https://www.instagram.com/lauren.k.potts

Storyboard: https://www.dropbox.com/sh/e49utq4vl4e6bl3/AABL-rRgjHpKavnL6bMZ5nFMa?dl=0


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LC
Posted: August 12th, 2020, 4:22am Report to Moderator
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Oh, it's adorable, Warren. It really does capture the beautiful essence of the story. A fav of mine btw.

Big thumbs up, Lauren!

P.S. I especially love the pic of her admiring herself in the mirror, all blinged up.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  August 12th, 2020, 4:54am
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PKCardinal
Posted: August 12th, 2020, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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That's awesome. This has always been one of my favorite scripts. I'd love to see someone make it.

The story boards look great!

(Maybe someone should consider putting a comic together, with several simply script shorts drawn up... but, who could possibly pull that off? Hmmm...)


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