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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Rats of a Feather - WT2 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Rats of a Feather - WT2  (currently 1572 views)
Don
Posted: June 10th, 2019, 10:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rats of a Feather by Warren Duncan (Warren)  writing as Rat-A-Tat-Tat - Short, Comedy, Animation - A  sewer rat steals the shiniest object he can find in an attempt to impress his crush. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 24th, 2019, 12:27pm
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 2:12am Report to Moderator
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A short little lyrical sewer story about the fickleness of the human rat-like heart.

I thought the writer did well to get that ratatouille type animation feel, although a little more zany humour might have been in order. The tragi-pathos feel of the story, of unrequited love and separation from each other wasn't completely successfully alleviated by doses of comedy.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer


Quoted Text
Dark and dank.


Dejavu - Someone else described it like this - seems obvious to me, it's a sewer.

Ah, a pet rat - We have a Lady and the Tramp story here, OK, I'm on board.

Ok... not lady and the tramp, that stuck up rat is a bitch - Wow, you made me hate a rat - well done.

I'm done - I really like this one, one of my favourites so far

I love the cute little friendship between the two rats - It's a straight forward story that is told really well - Funny, cute - Just, well done

I don't know how much you fretted and struggled with this challenge, but you made it look easy with a great script - and one that appeals outside of the tourny - superb



Revision History (1 edits)
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LC
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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Well, that was very sweet and touching and humorous, and you incorporated all the required elements.
Written very nicely too. Good job.

P.S. Reminded me of Australian Bowerbirds.
FYI:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satin_bowerbird


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PKCardinal
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this. Pretty much everything worked.

I'd suggest losing the God Damn it on the first page. It's not offensive or anything, just not quite in tone with the rest.

High marks all around for this fun read.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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stevie
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Yeah this is well written and all, formatted pretty good. If the challenge called for a Disney type piece of whimsy,etc then itís top stuff.

But thereís pretty much no comedy here. It IS a comedy, sure but itís not funny.

Quite a few scripts in this round - actually nearly all - will be in the same boat for me so please writers, donít take my reviews personally.  If you tackle comedy then it needs to funny straight up. Just a tip for the future, lol



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Zack
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Save for a curse word early on, this is another light-hearted one. One of the best ones so far IMO.

Clear writing, good characters and some snappy dialog. Even liked the end, though Sofie did come out of nowhere. I'll chalk it up to you not having enough pages to properly introduce her.

Really liked this one. It's a fun, cute story.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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I liked this a lot. Very sweet and had nice touches of humor to boot. Nothing to complain about on the writing and it didnít wallow in the muck on the descriptions or language. Definitely one one of the better efforts this go round. Good job.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Dustin
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 11:12am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from stevie

Quite a few scripts in this round - actually nearly all - will be in the same boat for me so please writers, donít take my reviews personally.  If you tackle comedy then it needs to funny straight up. Just a tip for the future, lol


It's a shame you don't incorporate this advice into your own scripts.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 11:12am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Another animated script.  Cool.  I like that...let's see how good it is...

"MARTY, a sewer rat with dirty with matted fur,..." - Writing was looking pretty nice until this.

Oh no - a double aside?  Really?

"typical council work rate" - Huh?  Is this an aside?  Whatever it is, it's a complete waste.

"QUICK FLASH" - Why not use a standard Flashback?  This isn't all that quick?  You've got 2 Slugs, even.  Anyways, I like it...it's a good funny scene.

"Cool as a rotten, stinky cucumber he struts up to the cage." - So, I'm sure most will love this, and shockingly, I like it too, but you're missing a comma here, after "cucumber".

Sofie's intro could be handled better...but who cares, this is a great script, good effort all the way around.  Up there with the very best of the week.

Story - Very solid

Characters - Great

Dialogue - Very good

Prose - Good

Criteria - Yes Sir


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 11:19am Report to Moderator
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Well done. Parameters nailed. Writing is very good.

Reminded me of a U2 lyric - one of my favorite lyrics of all time.

I gave her everything she ever wanted.  

It wasn't what she wanted.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 11:21am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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A decent story in the time frame. I do feel the end is weak due to being too convenient. Aside from that, it's a very good effort. Nice work.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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This is a nice tale and is certainly well written.

Wasn't convinced that it is overly comedic. felt too gentle for that.

Though I did find her rebuttal funny.

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Rats of a Feather

Here we go!
Awesome dialogue, good characters, and a well-crafted double twist in act 3. Partly very funny with perfect timing. Also, a super clean performance to me.
I enjoyed it throughout. It gets the fives. I only see fives here.  



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Dreamscale
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from PrussianMosby
It gets the fives. I only see fives here.  


WOOHOO!!!!  It's a great entry, for sure.  Glad someone else gets that.  Way to go, Alex.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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jayrex
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I nice easy story.  I like it.

How you used the whistle as a gift was good.  It would have been nice if you had injected a bit more humour.  But it's still good.

It's also a good title given Marty and Sofie are identical rats as oppose to Rita.


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Philostrate
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

I liked this one a lot. The writing is great, the characters a little stereotyped but fully formed and with their own personalities, and you nailed the structure for a five pager, which is very difficult imo.

The dialog was pretty good too, with some nice, funny touches.

It jumped right to the top of my scoreboard!

Great job!
David


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leitskev
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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A very well done script. Possibly my favorite so far. Not sure this kind of story will soar too high in the metoo era. Obviously a male-written script. The lady rats come off as pretty shallow. But it doesn't bother me, it's a comedy.
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Spqr
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Good attempt at a rat romcom, but Marty is not rat enough to earn Ritaís. He came up with a plan to get the whistle, but it only worked because the Foreman dropped it when Alfred attacked a co-worker. Marty could have ripped it out of the Foremanís hand when he had it dangling by the chain, then outsmarted the pack of humans on his tail. And he only made one attempt to win over Rita. A ratís gotta show commitment if heís going to win his womanly ratís paw. Maybe he comes up with plans to dye his fur to match Ritaís, or to get himself captured and hopefully get quartered in Ritaís cage.
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khamanna
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice, writer.
That's a really really good one.
Thanks!
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Grandma Bear
Posted: June 14th, 2019, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Another animated one. Was that a requirement? I didn't read through the rules.

Good description of the light through the grates.

A few extra pounds on a rat? Must be a big freaking rat, lol.

Good set-up with the early dialogue. Giving us a mystery that we want to know more about. "What's going on? I have to read on to find out."

Good characterizations as well.

Another clue about some girl. Again, makes me have to read on.

When Marty says he'll give her the shiniest thing in the sewer, I would've liked him to say in the world instead. They are rats that live in the sewer. That is their whole world.

Excellent characterization through visuals with Rita and Marty watching her. Characters is what we connect with.

Good action verbs.

Perhaps a better description of the foreman falling into the sewer water after Al bites him. Seems too easy right now.

Cool as a rotten stinky cucumber! Very good keeping the writing entertaining to read even if not visible on screen.

A tear in Marty's eye. VERY good touch. We can relate to that.

Marty drags the whistle along...  Awesome milking of feelings. That's what movies are about. Make us feel something!

Where did Sofie come from?

Finished. Very cute! The reason you got a winner here is because you have written characters that resonate with us humans. They are disgusting sewere rats, but you have humanized them, so we care.

Great job!

You have sewer. Comedy is light, but there. Whistle plays a good part.



.
SS, is still free...
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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 14th, 2019, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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LOVE the title! Love the logline. I had a pet rat once and he loved anything shiny! Would steal jewelry..money....

Way that rat bites, should've called him BEN! or Willard!

This was not LOL funny but it was cute. Love how he gets turned down by the one girl rat but then finds one that likes him back where he belongs... rats of a feather... good title tie in.

I liked this one. Good job writer.
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Kevin_L
Posted: June 15th, 2019, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Great story... Such is life. Love happens when you least except it.  Your characters were great.  I would have told her to step in a glue trap if it was me giving her the doohickey. She just thinks sheís got it good. Her loss.

Kept me engaged from start to finish.

Well done!
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JEStaats
Posted: June 15th, 2019, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Nicely done. Definitely the better of the cartoon rat entries. Great characters and dialog. Good little story and overall writing. Not really much else to say.

Good job, writer.
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ReneC
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Excellent! Great writing, top notch dialogue, a solid story, unique and memorable characters, and it meets the criteria.

All I can do is nitpick it a bit. The setup is terrific, I thought the foremen could have been a little more zany in their reactions, and the interaction with Rita could have been played more for comedy. She's made to be stuck up but it could have been funnier if she didn't see him coming and he's suddenly there and she freaks out like a human would freak out at seeing a sewer rat. What you have works okay, it's just flat compared to the rest.

I don't like the last line. It's a down note on an up ending, you undermined yourself there.

This doesn't feel like a 72 hour script, so take those notes with that in mind. Outside of the challenge you might enjoy adding another page or two to let it breathe, maybe make the meeting with Rita a set piece and amp up the slapstick.

Nearly perfect scores from me. Great job.


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_ghostwriters
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 8:12pm Report to Moderator
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Another bump!  

No crit here, just wanted to say congrats to another Aussie as well in this round.  Not surprisingly, well written.   For the record, I didn't have a problem with this line..."Oh, God damn it." I thought it helped with Alfred's characterization. Anyhoo -- congrats. -Andrea


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Warren
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from _ghostwriters
Another bump!  

No crit here, just wanted to say congrats to another Aussie as well in this round.  Not surprisingly, well written.   For the record, I didn't have a problem with this line..."Oh, God damn it." I thought it helped with Alfred's characterization. Anyhoo -- congrats. -Andrea


Thanks, Andrea.

And thanks to everyone else for the comments, Iím glad they were mostly positive


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Warren
Posted: August 12th, 2020, 4:09am Report to Moderator
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An artist friend of mine (Lauren Potts) did up a storyboard for Rats of a Feather last year sometime just for fun, and I only just found out about it because she wasn't happy with it. I think it really captures the heart of the story, and she was happy for me to share it... after some persuasion.

Artist: https://www.instagram.com/lauren.k.potts

Storyboard: https://www.dropbox.com/sh/e49utq4vl4e6bl3/AABL-rRgjHpKavnL6bMZ5nFMa?dl=0


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LC
Posted: August 12th, 2020, 4:22am Report to Moderator
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Oh, it's adorable, Warren. It really does capture the beautiful essence of the story. A fav of mine btw.

Big thumbs up, Lauren!

P.S. I especially love the pic of her admiring herself in the mirror, all blinged up.



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PKCardinal
Posted: August 12th, 2020, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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That's awesome. This has always been one of my favorite scripts. I'd love to see someone make it.

The story boards look great!

(Maybe someone should consider putting a comic together, with several simply script shorts drawn up... but, who could possibly pull that off? Hmmm...)


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Warren
Posted: August 13th, 2020, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Oh, it's adorable, Warren. It really does capture the beautiful essence of the story. A fav of mine btw.

Big thumbs up, Lauren!

P.S. I especially love the pic of her admiring herself in the mirror, all blinged up.


Thanks, there are some really emotive panels in there.

And Lauren says thanks


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Warren
Posted: August 13th, 2020, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from PKCardinal
That's awesome. This has always been one of my favorite scripts. I'd love to see someone make it.

The story boards look great!

(Maybe someone should consider putting a comic together, with several simply script shorts drawn up... but, who could possibly pull that off? Hmmm...)


Thanks, mate.

I actually have another animal animation short that's been brewing in my mind, which is odd because I've had the worst writer's block for the longest time. Might try get something down this weekend.

That would definitely be a great idea, maybe one day.


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