Mayday by Titus Porosus - A simple crop spraying trip goes well and truly south... - Short, Horror

Nice little Jaws/Rogue scenario.

Too much of a stretch to think hand sanitiser could ignite in those circumstances. People are really pushing it this round!

Jan dangles
Yolk?  Should be yoke-
typo alerts.

Her eyes alight on the sanitiser.
There was none before? Specifically stated.

Okay, so if I buy she found some (you need to emphasise that in the writing) I'm also to buy the fact it works on a wet croc?

Criteria? It's definitely there. Credibility? Not so sure...

I'd like to just say though (despite the fact I know who wrote this, or suspect highly it's one of two people - at least a couple of dead giveaways in the writing,) that this was a real hoot to read.

Written very well, suspenseful, action packed, entertaining. Great job.

I'll go third...

Ok, a smooth read for me, witty dialogue and generally fun.  It didn't drag, I didn't trip over anything, and I can't point to anything and suggest a change for the better.  Although I'm on the fence about your use of the hand sanitizer.-Andrea

This is a good, fun read, for the most part. The pace suffers a little in places, but it flows well enough. The action was a little muddled, it's hard to picture it in places with such an oddly shaped plane and a crocodile of unknown (but presumed quite large) proportions. I kept wondering what was keeping the plane afloat, or how deep the water was when it crashed, and those niggling questions kept me from being fully engaged. The logic of the sanitizer was also suspect.

Nevertheless, it's a fun ride and I enjoyed it.

Very well written. The fire thing is not convincing enough though. But enjoyed this one.

Very talented writer. Not every screenwriter can pull off action writing like this. Done at a pro level. If the writer was living in LA and hanging in the right circles he or she would find good paying work.

Jaws with a croc. Good idea.

I think these little challenges can serve varying purposes. One of these can be to showcase(and develop) talent even though the story is not likely to go anywhere. Conversely, a writer might hit on a concept that has potential to be reworked into a larger story. Both scenarios apply here.

In a larger work, the engine trouble and crash would be spread over a page or more to build the suspense. Page limitations don't allow it in the challenge, but no doubt this writer can pull that off.

As for the flammable hand sanitizer, obviously that would be removed from a future draft. I don't think anyone would even think to try and light it in that situation. But the rest of the story is so well done I see no reason not to suspend a little disbelief for the sake of the challenge.

I thought this was well-done and checked off the boxes on the criteria. Good, visual action sequences.  It got a bit wordy on the last page and a half but I get it, there’s no one she could converse with so you’re relegated to action lines.

I did wonder, because I’ve been around plenty of crop planes in the U.S., but wouldn’t the cockpit be an open-air one on a biplane like you described?  What I’m getting at is that it seems like the croc wouldn’t have to go through glass to get to her, but I might be misreading that part.

I was also wondering how far offshore she was, but it seems that she was fairly close in given how she got to shore so easily (and not encounter another croc!

Otherwise, solid writing on display here from a very capable writer.

Best of luck,
Gary

Hi Writer,

I like how you split this simultaneous action in two shots:

Quoted Text Two things then happen instantaneously. A saltwater crocodile crosses in front of the windscreen and thrashes its tail against the side of the cockpit with a loud dull THUMP. Jen tries to get out of her seatbelt, but the release mechanism is stuck. She yanks on it but to no avail.

It helps the reader picture what's happening clearly. Nicely done.

An entertaining read. Really well written and packed with action and tension. I liked the scenario a la Rogue, and the low page count didn't prevent you from giving Jen's character a proper introduction.

Good job,
David

Hmm, mixed feelings here.

For the most part, this is good. Love the concept, reminds me of the movie "Rogue". Writing is excellent pretty much all the way around. Really suspenseful sequence with the Croc attacking the plane. Great stuff.

Only issue for me is that the hand sanitizer feels extremely shoe-horned in. It literally comes out of nowhere with absolutely no setup. I'd imagine in a rewrite you'll just have Jen shoot the Croc with a flare gun at the end.

Still, a pretty good entry, IMO.

Hey Hawkeye... if you read this... Google the Skyfarmer T-400. It's one weird looking little closed-cockpit bird. I could see writing that thing into a comedy script someday.

Anyway, about the script:

This is a great little action script. Probably not horror, but I'm not going to get too picky there. An argument can be made, and I might lose, so full points for you.

The action was a bit tough to follow at times. I can't imagine the challenge of trying to keep all the movements straight. Where is she in relation to the croc? To the water? To the interior of the plane? A lot of moving parts.

Rather than try to stay with the specifics, I just tried to read for the idea of what was happening. And, it was fun to read that way.

Bottom line: i enjoyed this. It's pretty straight forward, in a good way. Thanks for sharing.

Great little story... kept me engaged from start to finish. You know what you are doing.  Just a few hiccups.  Like the main Kevin said ... if you was in the main scene you’d be on your way.  

My amateur eyes and brain can’t contribute anything to help. I can just tell you I really enjoyed it.  

Well done.

Hi writer,

Not a bad effort here. The writing is good, nothing jumped out at me.

Pages 3 to 5 I felt like I wanted to start scanning, I didn’t.  I'm not sure why, but the action just wasn’t grabbing me. For a minute I though the hand sanitizer was just going to make that one inconsequential appearance, I'm glad you incorporated it again in the ending.

Not much I can say about this one, great craftsmanship, but not an overly engaging story.

All the best.

Hello writer

I just googled the plane - wtf is that? looks hideous lol

You mention the gel being in the first aid kit and I thought "I hope that's not all we see of it" - it wasn't, so I breathed a sigh of relief lol

Writing was really nice - quality writer here. My entry had a lot of action, and i struggled to keep it concise, gripping and not a slog to read - here, you made it look easy.

Personally, the trail of gel being lit like a line of gun powder was a stretch - and I think would look a little silly on screen - You could have used the gel to squirt in the beasts eyes to disorientate it, then use the explosive nature of the chemicals in the tank as you have, might be a bit better on screen.

Anyway - top story, top writing

The script would have been great if only Jen had radioed a “Mayday.”

Kidding!

Well done, mysterious writer of this Australian epic.

Works well for what it is. Good suspense. I wish you gave us a little something character-wise in that first scene... she seems to be able to hold her own, I got that sense at least, but I want more! Anyways, solid effort.

I'm sure someone caught it already: yolk = yoke.

Criteria met, no issues. Dialog...the last four pages were "Fuck", "Fucker", and "C'mon you snappy little fucker". Not too many points there. I wish I knew a little more about Jen, as such, I didn't really care for her.

That aside, good story though the action was a bit unclear at times.

Good work, writer.

Mayday

from p3 on the read completely slowed down for me. Check it yourself what you might've done wrong there. To me, it felt like the pace of the action somehow is much higher as you actually present it. Imo things should read quick, bang, boom, next, in this whole attack segment…

Okay. It had a heavy action adventure vibe. I liked the p1 exposition the most here. Not a bad story but it didn't have that clear horror feel I must say. Perhaps the chemicals could have burned her skin or the croc gets her, so that she only just got out there in few pieces, alive but close to dead, and I mean really close to dead, if you know what I mean…

I think I give you the criteria since the actual pictures of the snapping croc may be harder than the words in which you presented everything. Yeah, the writing let the atmosphere down here. Anyway, more than solid. Pretty okay. Girl was set up nicely and the general imagery was there.

Pretty good effort here. One nit issue:

Quoted Text EXT. DUSTY RURAL AIRSTRIP - DAY SUPER: Gove Airport, Northern Australia. JEN THOMAS, 30s, tiny frame, angular features and a cigarette permanently stuck in her mouth, kicks a tyre on the chubby Skyfarmer T-400

Is better as:

EXT. DUSTY RURAL AIRSTRIP - DAY

JEN THOMAS, 30s, tiny frame, angular features and a
cigarette permanently stuck in her mouth, kicks a tyre on
the chubby Skyfarmer T-400

SUPER: Gove Airport, Northern Australia.

Reason - a SUPER is superimposed over something. So set the scene first and then do the super

To light the sanitiser and get away alive is a massive stretch.  Also, it's near impossible to see under (I assume salt) water during the night.  There's a few spelling mistakes in there like Jan instead of Jen and yolk instead of yoke.

It was like Jaws but with a croc instead.  Not bad.