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I'm not sure if I'm meant to like Bab, But I really don't, every time she opens her mouth I cringe a bit.
Just way too much going on and surprisingly very little story. You really tried to pack everything fantasy into this and the story really suffered, in my opinion.
I read the entire script. I really don't know what to say.
To call this "fantasy", because it includes nonstop fantasy elements doesn't work at all for me. This reads not like a fantasy, but more like a pisser.
Your use of "Convenience Store" is also weak, and doesn't even come into play until Page 3.
Story-wise, there's none here...none at all, really. no Plot, either.
It just doesn't work an any level for me and doesn't show much effort, sorry to say.
I liked your world building at the start. It was cool but not consistent. It really doesn't matter since its Fantasy though. All the parts are there but the reader wouldn't have a clue about money being the root of all evil unless they were told. Even then, they wouldn't believe you.
Not much of a story. Could of passed for a comedy but it wasn't that funny either (sorry). If you substituted humans in place of the animals and creatures, it would be more apparent that there is no plot or arc.
So it's about a salon and how creatures come and get service and having conversations. It was kind of hard to get into this, maybe because you kept adding the characters. I understand - this is what's it about, a hairdresser's life, especially if it's creatures who need service but still. I think you could single out one and focus on its story.
But a lot of imagery went into this one. I think (and I'm pretty sure of that) that this one would make much more sense and will be much more memorable and fun if you see it on screen rather than read. The criteria is all met IMO.
Reads real well, not pedestrian at all. I like the subtle set up, a visually sumptuous piece. Maybe a bit of tomfoolery would have been nice. I also disagree with a previous reviewer's comment about this being a pisser. Clearly some thought went into this. The dialogue has some nice zing to it. Mildly amusing, but not laugh out loud funny. I'd consider cutting back on a coupla characters.
All that being said, maybe the theme wasn’t front and center, but I thought it was there.
Hope it helps, voodoo doll me if it doesn't. -ghostiegirl
Interesting and vividly imaginative take on the fantasy genre. Someone suggested it would be cool as an animation and I have to agree. Some cool lines too. I like how the writer obviously planned it all, then kept control of it as he/she write - in lesser hands it could've ended up all over the shop. Nice effort!
I could probably do without the LOTR reference, but other than that...
this is really great stuff.
Very creative, maybe a bit surreal, but I'm rolling with it, although is Sasquatch a Yeti? Despite the time and page constraint, the writer did an outstanding job.
Very creative. I can see a longer version of this playing nicely as a Pixar film.
Topic and elements ticked off. I liked the characters and dialogue - it was funny. My only criticism is this felt like two separate scenes, loosely connected, and not a full story.
I do love the visually creative elements though, they really stand out.
-Mark
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Fantasy, hair dryer, hairdresser and convenience store.
Me: "Good luck making a fantasy out of those elements."
Reads first line: A unicorn sits on a bench reading a newspaper...
Me: (After I stop laughing.) "That's how you do that."
So much to like. Absolute kudos for going all in. Great visuals. Funny exchanges.
The story, though, is almost non-existent. It's 2.5 pages of world-building and 2.5 pages of a disconnected scene.
Granted, I loved the world-building.
If you can put more meat on the story and pull it into the first couple of pages, this could be really strong.
PaulKWrites.com
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