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Haredresser - WT (currently 860 views) |
Don |
Posted: July 6th, 2020, 11:17pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16448 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Haredresser by Kname of Righter - Fantasy, Hair Dryer, Hairdresser, Convenience Store. |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Warren |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 3:33am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi Writer,
The writing could have used another edit.
I'm not sure if I'm meant to like Bab, But I really don't, every time she opens her mouth I cringe a bit.
Just way too much going on and surprisingly very little story. You really tried to pack everything fantasy into this and the story really suffered, in my opinion.
Doesn't work for me.
All the best. |
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Reply: 1 - 16 |
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ajr |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 10:38am |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Hey writer,
So this has to be the most creative use of a prop out of the entire bunch.
And I think the characters are wonderfully created; you show a ton of imagination here.
So you've hit all the criteria, with some pretty difficult choices, some of the hardest I've seen here so far.
As for theme, I think it's becoming a theme here that this round's entries are more about money than greed and what it makes people do.
I certainly can't fault you though because I think there are strong elements here amid some very difficult requirements.
Absent the parameters, you may be able to develop these characters into an animated short.
Nice job -
AJR |
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Reply: 2 - 16 |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 10:45am |
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Guest User
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I read the entire script. I really don't know what to say.
To call this "fantasy", because it includes nonstop fantasy elements doesn't work at all for me. This reads not like a fantasy, but more like a pisser.
Your use of "Convenience Store" is also weak, and doesn't even come into play until Page 3.
Story-wise, there's none here...none at all, really. no Plot, either.
It just doesn't work an any level for me and doesn't show much effort, sorry to say. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 2:07pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
I liked your world building at the start. It was cool but not consistent. It really doesn't matter since its Fantasy though. All the parts are there but the reader wouldn't have a clue about money being the root of all evil unless they were told. Even then, they wouldn't believe you.
Not much of a story. Could of passed for a comedy but it wasn't that funny either (sorry). If you substituted humans in place of the animals and creatures, it would be more apparent that there is no plot or arc.
Good job entering. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 3:18pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Okay so as lightweight fantasy-comedy I enjoyed this, funny.
Not sure the theme was really central to the story though.
Decent effort and creative use of criteria. |
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Reply: 5 - 16 |
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LC |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 8:18pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7635 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Whoa! So much packed into this story I had trouble keeping up and I'm guilty of skimming a bit. Bear in mind I'm not a Fantasy fan.
The main thing for me was it was little lacking with a clear narrative hook and characters I could connect with.
Theme really wasn't front and centre. I know... that was a tough one, right? To add on top of all the other elements.
Inventive and ambitious for sure. |
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khamanna |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 8:41pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
So it's about a salon and how creatures come and get service and having conversations. It was kind of hard to get into this, maybe because you kept adding the characters. I understand - this is what's it about, a hairdresser's life, especially if it's creatures who need service but still. I think you could single out one and focus on its story.
But a lot of imagery went into this one. I think (and I'm pretty sure of that) that this one would make much more sense and will be much more memorable and fun if you see it on screen rather than read. The criteria is all met IMO. |
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Reply: 7 - 16 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: July 7th, 2020, 9:01pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1566 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Alrighty then, a comic fantasy script. Reads real well, not pedestrian at all. I like the subtle set up, a visually sumptuous piece. Maybe a bit of tomfoolery would have been nice. I also disagree with a previous reviewer's comment about this being a pisser. Clearly some thought went into this. The dialogue has some nice zing to it. Mildly amusing, but not laugh out loud funny. I'd consider cutting back on a coupla characters. All that being said, maybe the theme wasn’t front and center, but I thought it was there. Hope it helps, voodoo doll me if it doesn't. - ghostiegirl |
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stevie |
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 4:14am |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Interesting and vividly imaginative take on the fantasy genre. Someone suggested it would be cool as an animation and I have to agree. Some cool lines too. I like how the writer obviously planned it all, then kept control of it as he/she write - in lesser hands it could've ended up all over the shop. Nice effort! |
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DarrenJamesSeeley |
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 9:40am |
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January Project Group
LocationMichigan.USA Posts1522 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
I could probably do without the LOTR reference, but other than that...
this is really great stuff.
Very creative, maybe a bit surreal, but I'm rolling with it, although is Sasquatch a Yeti? Despite the time and page constraint, the writer did an outstanding job.
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 10:08am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Very creative. I can see a longer version of this playing nicely as a Pixar film.
Topic and elements ticked off. I liked the characters and dialogue - it was funny. My only criticism is this felt like two separate scenes, loosely connected, and not a full story.
I do love the visually creative elements though, they really stand out.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 11 - 16 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 2:44pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Fantasy, hair dryer, hairdresser and convenience store.
Me: "Good luck making a fantasy out of those elements."
Reads first line: A unicorn sits on a bench reading a newspaper...
Me: (After I stop laughing.) "That's how you do that."
So much to like. Absolute kudos for going all in. Great visuals. Funny exchanges.
The story, though, is almost non-existent. It's 2.5 pages of world-building and 2.5 pages of a disconnected scene.
Granted, I loved the world-building.
If you can put more meat on the story and pull it into the first couple of pages, this could be really strong. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Spqr |
Posted: July 8th, 2020, 7:30pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Fantastic characters and action. The only negative is that the script doesn’t have any connection to the theme of the week. |
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Reply: 13 - 16 |
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Reef Dreamer |
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 8:24am |
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Old Timer Part time writer
LocationThe Island of Jersey Posts2612 Posts Per Day 0.56 |
What a great effort.
Lots of variety and I,agitation on display
Five pages didn’t you much time, but you pulled off a story.
Pacing wise perhaps less time in the hairdressers, and allow you a birthday scene afterwards
Well done |
| My scripts HERE
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr |
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Geezis |
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 8:54am |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Hi, far too busy for me, too many characters trying to reinforce the fantasy element. Dialogue was a bit too stilted but it was funny at times. Maybe dial back on the imagery and tighten up the dialogue. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Reply: 15 - 16 |
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mmmarnie |
Posted: July 9th, 2020, 8:23pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Okay...this was sassy. Who wrote Bab's dialog? Can't wait to find out.
Some of the visuals and characters were really awesome. The dragon blowdryer is by far best use of object so far. I liked everything that was happening in the salon. Customers that came in....piranha hair clippers...the dialog...Bab's and Judy's friendship. All so very well done.
But after the salon I wasn't as into it. End felt rushed and I didn't really see the theme...just saw a troll robbing a store.
But...wow...what an imagination! I really did love the world you set up in the Salon.
Nice work, writer.
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