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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Sneaky Snatcher Moderators: bert
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  Author    Sneaky Snatcher  (currently 7412 views)
Don
Posted: December 3rd, 2006, 2:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sneaky Snatcher by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Adventure - A captive little girl, whose stepmother profits on her fake kidnapping at the hands of an elusive creature, struggles to escape before the creature hunts her down for real. 104 pages - pdf, format


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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: December 3rd, 2006, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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I've begun reading.

SPOILERS

First of all you have a great intro. It does a excelenty job of showing how infamous the sneaky snatcher is among people. the intro is plenty scary and sets the mood for the rest of the script. It's also very fast paced and seems to me it could have been a few pages longer.

I was suprised you showed the Sneaky Snatcher so early. It doesnt damage the character in anyway but i just expected him to be more elusive.

"In the f.g?" whats f.g?

In any other script i'd question the rabbits powers, but in this script is seems fitting since it is an interpretation of a fairy tale.

On the technical side of things, how does 'INSERT' apply? what's its use?

Wow, i hate Vanessa already. You can sure create hatable characters.

In the first 20 pages you've set the plot. I have to stope there for now because i have work soon but i'll read the rest tonight. So far the script is looking great and i look forward to finishing it.


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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: December 4th, 2006, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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And i'm back reading.

Hahahahaha. Sandra Sully.

b.g.? Background?

"JODI
You think they'll be okay?
BRICE
Yeah. They'll be fine."

Climbing Barbwire fences in a detention centre.... I know that sounds harsh but thats what i instantly thought of what would really happen. I hope you tell what happens to them at the end.

Stopping at page 63 becuase theres a doco about The Yardbirds on, but i'm really enjoying it. I'll finish it tomorrow for sure and i'll give you a proper review.


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I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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tonkatough
Posted: December 4th, 2006, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mr. Cooper.  Thank you for reading and I am pleased you are enjoying the script. It means i am doing my job right as a writer.

To answer your questions f.g = Foreground. b.g = Background.

As describe in my trusty Elements of style for screenwriting book  an Insert is:

"Used when the writer wishes to focus attention on a object for a very specific reason. It is a shot within a shot"

Look forward to reading your final review and that's two I now owe you. I'll start with one of your short scripts and then your feature script when it is finished. That is a promise.


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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: December 5th, 2006, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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I've finished Sneaky Snatcher and i thoroughly enjoyed it. Through the whole script i could picture nearly every scene and that series of shots thing is very effective, i may have to start using it myself.

Your dialogue is spot on throughout the script. There's no cliche lines which is refreshing, except the seargent talking about irony treads the thin line. I think if i could play one character in this script it would be Male Nurse. He just seems like a cool Aussie bloke who asks no questions.

Sneaky Snatcher had so many antagonists. Each with their own agenda which i thought made the story more layered and action packed. Vanessa was my favorite, Her spite was portrayed very well through her dialogue and her always ominous actions.

I enjoyed the fact that Aussie slang was often used and that some of the characters acted in a way familiar to me. I related to the script more and enjoyed it more overall.

This seems like a childrens script with a twist. It has a lot of different qualities from opposite ends of the spectrum. The story has the imagination and innocents you'd find in many childrens movies but there are lots of mature type moments. The Sneaky Snatcher himself seems to me like the same kind of dummy as that of the Saw movies, so very spooky. And as for the news crew, well you'd never see that in a childrens movie.

My one arguement with Sneaky Snatcher is the ending. I remeber thinking the samething with your last script. They both have such bittersweet endings. Though it suits your last script, this script NEEDS a happy. Like all fairy tales, it should end 'happily ever after'. IMO, i would have loved to see the Angela use one final bit of magic on Bernards legs before she vanishes into the Heavens. And maybe the money Vanessa had in the gym bags appear before him, Brice and Jodi.

In conclusion, your writing has strengthened since your last script. You've created a great script that is original in it's perspective. I look forward to reading your future work.

One last thing of a technical matter:

YULITZA (O.C.)? is this a spelling error or is O.C. another technical abbreviation i dont know?


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I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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sfpunk
Posted: December 6th, 2006, 1:43am Report to Moderator
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I am reading your script right now and so far I'm enjoying. It has a very unique plot and you have an excellent way of describing things without getting too wordy. I can picture all the scenes in my head and have a great sence of who the characters are and how their lines would be delivered were it a movie.

The only negative thing so far is that I feel you say too many things in dailogue that a normal person wouldn't say. They seem like information dumps and there have been a few times where it distracted me from the story you have going on. I plan to read this through once to get a good idea for the story and give you feedback on that. I should have taken notes as it'll take me a while now to find the exact dialogue quotes I am talking about but if I see anymore (I'm at page 31 right now) I will point them out. You or others may not even agree with me but so far it's the only bad thing I've noticed in what is shaping up to be a very interesting read.
Alex already said he liked your dialogue and I do too and I will agree there are no cliche parts but there are some parts that seem like info dumps and out of place.


My Scripts
'Trail Of Ashes' - (Drama/Horror)

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tonkatough
Posted: December 6th, 2006, 3:25am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Alex for your kind review and for keeping it spoiler free by not revealing any of the suprise revelations and plot twists and not spoiling it for other readers.

To answer your question, (O,C.) means off camera. It means the character is not on screen when they are talking.

SFpunk thanks for reading my script. I look forward to your explanation of my dialouge being info dumps. A lot of people have reviewed my scripts posted here so far and you are the first to say this. You have me very intrigued and I like to hear every ones perspective on my scripts. it helps one grow as a writer.

Plus I am pleased you have reviewed my script cause you have solved my dilema of which script to review next. I will start reading your Trial Of Ashes and post a review

A review deserves a reivew.    


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sfpunk
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Yes, Like I said it may be a personal thing that is no big deal and I may just envision the lines being said like you didn't mean them to be said. For example the conversation with the Dad and the Son where they kind of explain why the dad can't divorce vanessa seemed like a way off just explaining that rather than showing it through something. It can be done through dialogue but that one particular instance just seemed to throw it out there and I saw it as an info dump. It's not a big deal as your dialogue for the most part is tight and well done but just little things like that.

Secondly, you have characters talk to themselves alot which I also find to be a pet peeve of mine although ultimately it works on screen but when the Dad says "I'm So helpless" or something to that extent it just seems weird theyd say that out loud. We can see he's helpless and an actor should be able to imply that from a look rather than saying something out loud that a normal person probably wouldn't say.

That's my explanation of what I meant in the first post, I'm still working on this script and will have a review by the end of the week. Sorry I'm having to read it in parts but it's getting towards finals weeks and I'm reading scripts here as a break from studying.

As for reading my script, I appreciate your offer but if you have other things to read don't worry about it. It's my first script that I feel has too many plot holes to be fixed. If you do read it which would be appreciated, try to keep your comments to things such as formatting and general scripts things such as character development and dialogue rather than story issues. I feel that it was a good idea but will never be executed well enough to warrant a re-write. However, writing techniques are always nice to have.


My Scripts
'Trail Of Ashes' - (Drama/Horror)

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Steve-Dave
Posted: December 7th, 2006, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tonka, got some for ya.

S
  P
   O
     I
      L
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        R
         S...................................................................................................

A pet peeve of mine is naming the person's home before they get a proper introduction.

Should probably just spell out foreground and background or tell what happens in the description without being so technical. (ex. Mac points to the barbed wire fence enclosing the compound.)

I really liked the idea of the rabbit who finds the food for them, and that they naemed it Kitty is just priceless. I liked the "does he sound like Bugs Bunny" remark too.

top pg 13 - I didn't really like the line "Venessa's the only thing keeping this family together."

Jodi seems like she should be younger than 13, maybe 9, 10 or even 11 would be more what I can swallow her being more easily. Maybe that's just me though.

Having the kids making DVD covers struck me as funny for some reason.

Are there supposed to be subtitles when the Indonesians speak? Cuz you put "Kota and Minjing beg Brice to go back to work in their own language. They are afraid." However, we wouldn't know what they were saying in the movie.

Put "to" when it should be "too". one was when Mac or Dave got a beer, and another on pg 39, and another one earlier. Doesn't really matter, but thought I'd mention it anyways.

I also thought the escape sequence ran a little longer than I felt it had to. It kinda made the script drag a bit there I thought.

But I like where this is going so far, a lot's happened so far than I expected. But I like Kitty, and you do a great job af making Vanessa a real bitch. I'm a little more than halfway finished, I'll have the rest for you soon.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
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Alex J. Cooper
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Quoted from tonkatough

To answer your question, (O,C.) means off camera. It means the character is not on screen when they are talking.


Fair enough, i use O.S. (off screen) instead. Are they both acceptable or is there a more widely accepted one?


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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tonkatough
Posted: December 8th, 2006, 7:40am Report to Moderator
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First up Alex. Yeah OC and OS are the same. the only reason  iuse OC is because of habit.

Sryknows. Thanks for reading. yeah I knew  the age of the children was gonna become an issue. I agonized over the age of brice and Jodi before I submitted. But I left Jodi at age 13 because I was worried that if I made her younger readers would criticize me for having a kid that was to smart to be a kid. and not a very realistic portrayal of a child. Oh well.

Nah I didn't intend there to be subtitles for the indonesians. I am guessing that visually speaking the body language and facial expression would be a rough idea of what is being said.

I'll look into the escape seqence. thanks for pointing it out. I don't like having things drag out.  I would rather nip that bad habit in the bud so i can cut out the dead wood and put in more story to the very limited page limit of a script

I look forward for your comments on the second half of the script.
  


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Steve-Dave
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finished!

S
  P
   O
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         S.....................................................................................

First off, I'm a bit confused as to why the kids would attempt to escapre from the sweatshop when a) they agreed to it in the first place, and b) why would they risk messing up Vanessa's plan and then going to a foster home? I think It'd make more sense if they just come to the realization that She'd never really bring them back and then go for the escape

And I think 10 is a good age for Jodi. Brice seems like he's 14 though, so that's all good I think.

I am also confused as what your target audience is for this. There was an instance early on where you refrained from cursing, substituting "stuff" in the place of a curse word, yet this is a very violent script, and actually have deaths in it. So, maybe you should just go the full nine and either make this more designed for adults, or tone down the violence a little.

I really liked the cabinets of kids and yulitza and her tea party fettish. That was pretty cool and well done.

bottom pg 89 - "won't allow myself to be beaten by a paraplegic". I think you reiterate that hes paraplegic too much, so I'd suggest using that and calling him a cripple more sparingly so that it has more effect when it is used, so the insult will be more harsh.

What became of the witch? Wouldn't she continue snagging kids? Maybe she should just die.

Escape sequences, I think all of them ran a little long. the sweatshop, the sequence when the snatcher killed the film crew and they got away from mac and vanessa, and when the kids were running away from the witch I think all ran a little too long. However, I think that's because I just don't like reading a whole lot of description, and prefer more dialogue rich scripts. so that may account for why I find them so tedious, so don't be too discouraged, it's probably just a style difference, and would probably be just fine on screen. You decide.

Replace f.g. and b.g.directions with more clever lingo. Like "in the distance" or "Jodi rides by a missing picture as she continues down the street." f.g. and b.g. takes us out of the story.

The last few pages of the ending, I didn't really like. I think they should stay with their father, and the dialogue between the kids didn't really seem too good. With all the magic that goes on, I'd think it would make more sense if Bernard's legs were fixed somehow and he gets to stay with his children. Perhaps even a wish with the ornament that the mother grants??? And if the mother can make herself appear to the kids, why didn't she just do that in the first place?

In conclusion, I liked it. the description I found tedious at times, and a few things I think could be better, but this was a really cool story with some interesting elements and concepts and really really great characters. This had a real "The Witches" quality to me (if I had to compare it to something) A very good effort. I love the feeling that you create with your writing. There is always a really cool, dreamlike fantasy feeling you give us, and is usually with all the small details you provide that account for a lot. Kitty, Jodi's ears, her drawings, the goat mask, the witch's house, it creates a very cool mood. and the description, though very abundant in this, are very well written and moves really quickly. nice job Glenn!


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Martin
Posted: December 10th, 2006, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey tonka,

I've read up to page 50. My weekend was a little busier than expected but I should have a full review for you tomorrow.

I really like it so far. Great premise, good characters and I like your writing style. I'll hold off on detailed comments until I've given it a thorough read.

Good stuff so far.
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mcornetto
Posted: December 11th, 2006, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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It was interesting, creative and an entertaining read but it had some issues.  I didnít think the main characters were developed enough and as a matter of fact by the end, and especially at the end, I didnít like Jodi and Brice. Their flippant attitude toward the foster home was a bit of a turn off.

Another persistent problem seemed to be your surprise factor. If you are going to surprise us, in order to make it believable, you have to clue us in on that surprise.  Give us some knowledge we can use to really appreciate the surprise.

Your dialogue and your supporting characters were excellent though.  I loved the evil stepmum, the snivelling sick dad, and the wicked old witch and her living dolls. Even the sneaky snatcher was an interesting character.

pg 6

typo to should be too.

pg 29

I question whether you should use Sandra Sully. I think you should use Mary Stevens.

typo except should be accept (twice)

pg 31

typo well than should be well then

pg 35

Does he sound like Bugs Bunny?  This statement sounds out of character for Brice.

Brice believes Jodi a bit too easily.

This doesn't work. Some indication should have been made earlier that Kitty has special powers. Jodi did not need to see Kitty do it but Kitty should have done it earlier in order to make it believable now.

pg 40
telekinetic kitty?  This isn't going to work either unless you clue us in earlier.

pg 43
Mum's ghost! - give us some earlier clues PLEASE!!!  Like maybe when evil step mum is breaking the angels, have kitty cause a disturbance.

pg 63
Vanessa would have blood on herself too

pg 66
Please guardian angel make my shot true. This should be a reference to something that occurred earlier.  How does she know the angel will do this? Did she read it in a book?  We need to know how she knows the qualities of guardian angels in her universe.

pg 71
Two men are dead?  I must have missed that.

pg 72
I never got the impression Brice didn't believe her.

pg 82
typo to should be too.

pg 93
I do not believe Jodi again. How does she know her Mums spirit is in the sneaky snatcher?  What told her?  I canít tell this and I can see more than she can.

pg 97
coarse should be course.
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Martin
Posted: December 11th, 2006, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I finished your script.

I really enjoyed it. You have a great imagination and youíve written a unique adventure story that draws from classical fairy tales and utilizes archetypes to great effect. For example, the wicked step-mother, the kind but helpless father. I thought the relationship between the siblings Brice and Jodie was the highlight of this script. Yes, they did sound a little young at times, but you have a knack for writing children and Iíd hazard a guess that you have kids of your own.

Your writing is very good. There were a few typos in there, most of which have been pointed out in other reviews. The most common one is ďtoĒ when you should have ďtoo.Ē Iíd go through the script using CTRL + F to find these errors and fix them.

I love the intro. The story begins at a fast pace and sets up the mythology behind the Sneaky Snatcher very effectively.

The introduction to your central characters works well, too. And contrary to what a previous poster has said, there are plenty of clues as to Kittyís identity so the revelation later on made sense in the context of the story.

Iím not sure why you have the kids agree to go along with Vanessaís plan. In one sense it shows that they care about their father, but it also makes there decision to escape the sweat shop less plausible. If it were me, Iíd have the kids initially agree to her plan, then get scared at the mention of chloroform and back out. Then have Vanessa forcibly subdue them. Incidentally, where did she buy the chloroform? It doesnít seem like something you could pick up in the local supermarket, even in the fantasy world in which your story takes place.

I like the scenes at the sweat shop and I enjoyed Kittyís part in the escape. My only issue with this sequence is that you have a fair amount of screen time with no focus on the Sneaky Snatcher. Maybe you could intercut some of these scenes with some more images of the Sneaky Snatcher stalking Vanessa while she makes deals with the press.

I was taken aback when the reporter and the news crew were killed. This is essentially a fairy tale, a story that both children and adults would enjoy. I donít see how these killings enhance your story at this point, but they would probably limit the audience if this film ever gets made. Same goes for Vanessa stabbing people later on. It really feels out of place for a story like this and Iím not sure it adds too much to your story.

Having reached the end of the script, Iím pretty sure you donít need to kill anyone to make this story work. Obviously itís your story, but my suggestion would be to remove the killings and just have them injured. It would make your script more kid-friendly, which I think it should be. You could also cut down on the blood a little. Of course, itís up to you but thatís my gut feeling.

I just love the scenes with Yulitza. Extremely creepy, suspenseful and fun at the same time. I especially love the dynamic between the siblings in this scene. ďCímon! Sheís just an old woman!Ē Haha.

I also like the intercutting with Bernard attempting to Vanessa in the hospital. You bring your two primary conflicts to a head simultaneously and itís very effective.

The very end is something of a let down. By all means have the kids in foster care, but I also think you should end with them visiting their father. Keep the family together. I donít understand why you have them in separate foster homes either.

All in all, a very entertaining and original story.
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