Yo Gabe,

It's funny, I was reading this just as I got your message.  Great minds think alike!

First of all, congrats on finishing your first feature. You've done something not a lot of people can do. That's something to be proud of.  Now comes the really fun process of rewriting muwahahaha.  I don't usually read other people's comments but this time I did because I don't know why.  I read the whole thing so hopefully I can give you some ideas here for future drafts.

Alright, so, I remember the short of this pretty good.  And I liked it, too.  But I think for this you really swayed from what made the short a success and tried to make this waaaaaay too big and ultimately I just got lost in the whole thing.  

What I think is the biggest issue are the characters.  To start off, Max's Traveling Carnival about a divorced couple who need to work together to get out of a Funhouse.  What shocked me was how microscopic of a part Max had.  If I recall correctly he was a bit of an eccentric evil dude in the short.  And he had some witty lines.  And he was the villain.  Here?  He was just a face in the crowd whose name was slapped onto the carnival.  I couldn't tell you anything about him.  For me that was a letdown because Max could have and should have been the best character in here.  I mean his name is in the title.  And Daniel and Elenore just felt like a random subplot.  It's like 70 pages or so were placed around Daniel and Elenore's 15 pages from the short.  The story wasn't about them.  They were just there.

As for everyone else, again, I couldn't tell you anything about them.  I was lost and confused.  William, Leah, Aster, Robert, Nathaniel, Zane, Leonard, Gabe, Danny, Grace, Angela...I have no idea.  I saw one of your comments was that you were going for a superhero type deal.  I did see that in here, but I couldn't tell you what was going on or why.  And then there's still the gray haired man, that other generic description guy, and one scene where Man#1-#8 were fighting equally random characters.  In action sequences we gotta see someone fighting that we know.  Otherwise it's just a Jean Claude movie.  

So what can we do about that?  You've got the cool factor down - a carnival screams possibilities.  I don't want to say go back to square one because I think every idea can be fixed or reworked, but I think this would work better with more focus on the carnival and the sideshow acts.  I would have liked to see way more of them.  More development with them.  Drop everyone I mentioned above with a name and instead center the story around the carnival acts.  Maybe there's an impending uprising between the sideshows and that's where the battle comes from.  The dialogue, which I think was also an issue because there wasn't a heck of a lot of differentiation, may work itself out with more focus on a lesser number of more dynamic characters.

I also don't usually mention this, but the slugs were confusing.  For example "Ext. South Road (Max's Carnival Side) - 8th Trailer - Day".  Dude, that probably sounds clear in your head but for us readers we need something way dumbed down.  All of the directions in the slugs and stuff threw me through a hoop.  

So it's a carnival, it's creepy, there's some really cool acts on the surface with Smiley and Firestarter and Jugular.  The knife sequence was great (I recall something similar in the short).  The cunt line was hilarious.  Daniel and Elenore sewed together is a cool idea.  In fact, maybe, if you choose to center the story around them (because honestly it's not), have them make that decision earlier in the script.  In order to save their children they have to sacrifice their bodies and get sewed together in order to work together to find them.  That would be frickin' twisted but make for a really good plot turn, too.  

The opening tour is a cool intro.  Wording needs to be worked on as others have pointed out and Max's dialogue is really bland, but that would be a hell of a way to start out a movie.  Imagine this creepy carnival dude with his muted clown doing flips, fire being blown, knives thrown, total carnival atmosphere.  Just needs some retooling.

So I hope you can take some of these words and ideas and use them to your benefit.  It was a challenging read because by page 20 I was so lost and it didn't really come back together at any point...except for the scenes with Daniel and Elenore because A) I remember them from the short and B) the story is supposed to be about them.  But it's really not.  The focus needs to be rediscovered and make the story either about the sideshows, or the couple, or the superhero aspect (which, by the way, the superhero powers I wasn't big on. Taking place in a carnival I think you have enough potential for the weird and the bizarre.  I don't think you need other outside powers but that's just me).  Or maybe combine them.  Maybe there's this carnival sideshow uprising and Daniel and Elenore are caught in the middle of it and have to work together to save themselves and Ben and Julie.  And in the process they get really injured and the only way to save their family is if they agree to have their bodies sewn together, so in essence they actually become part of the sideshow and go through miraculous changes.  Hey, not bad haha.  

Best of luck with this, Gabe.  If you have any questions or want clarification feel free to let me know!

Greg

Hey Greg

Thanks for the read. I'm going back to the basics. I have some ideas on how to do that but it's going to be a long journey. lol.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

I continued on today and made it to page 40, I’m still very confused by this point and that is not a good thing when you consider I’m nearly half way through. There have been so many characters that I’ve lost track of a lot and that might be good thing because they’re beginning to drop like flies.

The protag family is still an issue, they’re hardly in the opening 40 pages and that’s a real problem for me. Also what scenes they have are so far apart, it's hard to feel any connection with them at the moment.

The fight scenes could do with a good tidy up, it was very condensed on the page and felt blocky for some reason even though it was broken up passages. The slugs and locations are a problem for me, we are in one scene but seem to be moving all over the place in that one location. Just found it very hard to visualise. Too much happening in such a short piece of time.

Well, confusing is an understatement for the story, I still have no idea what the plot is? Why’s Max and Zane suddenly killing customers? A fire started and all hell broke loose and I have no idea why? I then thought Gabe and the trio were the good guys but now they are talking to the Magician so now…like I say, I’m pretty lost at the moment.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P.23  “They were three people” do you mean there instead of they?

P.24 Don’t feel you need the parenthetical (to Aster and Patrick) It’s obvious to the reader as he’s repeating what Danny said.

Also keep an eye on what Danny and Gabe are saying because it’s inconsistent. Danny tells Gabe they’re in the second trailer from the right but Gabe then tells Patrick and Aster they’re in the first trailer from the right. Unless this is intentional.

Another uneeded parenthetical (to Gabe) here IMO. He actually states his name in the dialogue.

“Angela walks north.” This is too vague IMO, we need more description as a reader to visualise Angela and where she's headed.

“Aster and Patrick try to find out what or who Gabe’s looking at.” I don’t understand this, what are they doing?

“Find out where’s she’s going.” Think it should just be where.

P.25 “Where she’s going?” should be “Where is she going?”

P.26 It could be a little clearer when Danny arrives at the tent, it’s a little confusing as written at the moment IMO. I’m being confused by all the walking north, south, southeast and so forth.

Thought only Gabe could hear Danny? Some guy just heard him shouting fire?

P.27 Where did the customers come from? Were they outside or inside the tent?

Repetitive use of walkie talkie in Max’s trailer, you only need to mention it once IMO.

Is Max’s trailer on the south road? I’m confused as to where I am. I think the slugs and scenes need to be separated better. I’m finding it difficult to know where everybody is.

So south road is also a car park?

P.28 “Zane goes to Max’s side” reads awkward and what happened with the fire? Zane took off with the fire extinguisher, I’m guessing he put it out but it seemed quick.

“He balls up his hands into his fists.” Take out “his” before fists.

P.31 I’m not sure about the “POW” and “WHOP” All I get is an image of the old Batman series with Adam West, not the image I think you intended. Might just be me but worth considering.

I could be wrong but I don’t think any of the individual carnies got capped on first intro, not sure to be honest. I think this whole fight scene needs to be cleaned up, a lot of characters with the same descriptions and it confuses the read.

On a positive, it’s good to see some of the hero aspects going on and the Gray haired man’s death was a surprise.

P.32 “Jugular throws a knife at Man #4 and a knife at Man #5,
taking them down temporarily” Surely a knife would do more damage here.

“The three leave fast, heading north.” Who’s leaving?

P.33 “besides Zane” Should just be beside.

“He throws down the fire extinguisher.” Who? I’m guessing the magician but Zane was the last person to have it?

“They’re people in the cars.” Should be “there are people in the cars”

BANG! He shoots Xavier (the Wavy Hair Man) in the head as he
walks over him. Who is this? Zane? Max?

P.34 Some inconsistencies in the slugs here.

EXT. ELENORE’S CAR – DAY

And then

INT. CAR – DAY

P.35 “The kids move front” should be “the kids move to the front”

P.37 “Their” should be there.

“The customers tremble” Think this should be scream or something. I can’t imagine every customer trembling at the same time.

“20 minutes” Twenty instead of 20.

P.38 “The Magician has been upgraded to full name status, ROBERT
VALENTINE” Okay, I’ve never seen this in a script, feels more like a video game type thing.

P.39 “Angela screams farther” How would we know it’s Angela? I think this should be set after the mini slug.

“shot right shoulder” I think injured would read better than shot here.

“She searches the ground and finds a rock. Grabbing it...
BANG!...her hand bleeds.” Okay I think Zane shot her hand but this reads like the rock did something to her hand? Needs to be clearer IMO.

Okay, Grace and Angela are now dead and I have to be honest and say I’m completely lost in the story. I will complete this by the end of the week but will stop taking notes from now on. I’ll just try to concentrate on the story.

All the best.

Steve.

Hey Gabe,

Finished your script but didn't take page by page notes this time. I think you already know there are many problems going on. Previous posters have already mentioned about this needing a complete overhaul and I couldn't agree more to be honest with you.

The logline doesn't fit the story, if anything; the protag family takes a back seat for the whole script and never get a lot to do. Even when they enter the fun house on around page 50, I think they stay in the mirror room for like 20 pages but get like 5 pages of scene time.

The kids just disappeared all together after page 43, I think there was literally one mention of them when they exit the trailer with Patrick and that was it.

If this is the protags, they surely need to feature more. At the end they’re told their special but they didn't seem it to me, it was like they got caught in the middle of something much bigger than them. It’s a shame because the family dynamic could have worked so effectively, maybe not here in the story you have at the moment but the idea of a wrecked relationship having to be fixed to help in a common goal is sound, just needs to be the centre of attention rather than in the background. It also needs to be developed better so we want to follow their journey.

All the other characters were faceless, no personalities and very hard to connect with sorry to say. I think the major problem was the amount. It was so difficult to keep up with everyone and everything that was happening that it became a jumbled mess by the end.

The slugs and locations were also a major problem for me:

"A couple of yards away" for instance, if someone is a couple of yards away then they're basically in the same scene right?

There was a lot of this kind of thing: (Max's carnival side), (spot where Aster was) I have no visual image of this, maybe in your head you can see it but I was lost, sorry.

Also, you had a slug and then a short sentence like "Daniel and Elenore move" and that was it. Then on the same page, exactly the same slug and action repeated.

Simple aspects of the story never made sense, a character called Unseen (we're not supposed to be able to see him right?) but he see him exiting a door. Another scene, Zane tells Max to go to his trailer and destroy papers, next scene Zane and Robert are in Zane's trailer but no sign of Max? Maybe it's just the way it's written because it isn't clear sometimes.

The action scenes could be better developed IMO, one scene when Jugular is throwing knives at a tied-up Elenore but keeps missing, all I could think is go up there and bloody stab her, she's tied up! Then after all that, they take them away unharmed because they want them alive. Huh, what was all the fighting about then?

Also, some paragraphs seemed to end mid-sentence, well it appeared that way when reading.

The dialogue throughout is in need of some work, some segments felt like characters just repeating themselves. Other times it just read awkward and made no sense to the overall plot.

Okay, I think you can tell there were a few problems for me but the major gripes for me and IMHO would suggest you change when you rework this are:

SPOLIERS:

When Leonard is explaining about himself and his brother and what they do, this doesn't work for me on any level. This element could work but when you have him saying things like "My brother and I can't get involved since we'll defeat everyone easily" This for me is not a good line of dialogue and completely took me out of this, two guys, all powerful but can't do anything because they think it would be too easy for them. Just doesn't work for me.

Also the scene with Leonard and Nathanial reclining in chairs wearing 3D glasses needs to be cut, this goes into spoof territory IMO and has totally upset what balance you had going. Can the reader take anything serious after this, I mean these guys are watching everything unfold on a big 3D television in recliner chairs eating popcorn? I have to ask where this idea came from? It come out a bit left field and doesn't tie into anything preceding it.

For me, this was a bad scene and totally took me away from the story, it felt so out of place.

The resolution as it is needs a lot of work. So Daniel and Elenore are given a choice, join your bodies together, like cut them in half and join them to find your children? Maybe it’s just me but doesn't this seem a tad out there, who’s honestly going to believe this and why would it help them find their children? It just wasn't for me and I think you need to work on a better resolution when reworking this.

Like others, I have to be honest and say that I think you need to scrap this and start from page one again. I think you need to develop the protag family better and most importantly, give the story and characters some meaning, why‘s all this happening? I finished and was still none the wiser about what had just happened?

I understand it was two groups of heroes but I'm still not sure why they were fighting? Have you ever watched "Heroes" The 4th season was all about carnies with superpowers, the whole season revolved around this and if you haven't seen it, it might be worth a look? It could give you some new ideas on where to take this.

It's an ambitious project here for sure, you've put a lot of work into it but it doesn't work for me the way it is at the moment. I hope you tackle another rewrite and use all what people have said to your advantage in taking this forward.

I'm sorry if anything I've said comes off as harsh but I think you need to know the elements that haven't worked for me.

All the best with it, Gabe.

Steve

Congrats on completing your first script. I know what that's like and it's cathartic!

I looked at the first ten pages or so. First, the directional (southwest, etc.) is very confusing. I don't think this is necessary. For example, no need to tell the reader that the ice cream stand is on the "West Path". Just use EXT. ICE CREAM STAND. Same goes for RIDES AND GAMES. Just get rid of the directional description in the slugs. I doubt readers will map out the area in pad and paper while reading this. State the location and use a one line to describe it.

There's also three people you describe with hairstyles. It's fine with one or two but the three people are described by hairstyles in the same scene. Change it up. Maybe one of them wears a t-shirt that describes their personality. Descriptions should hint at their character.

Based on what's given, I see Ben as someone who doesn't like his hair combed - possibly a rebel attitude. Why not make him wear a Metallica shirt and/or have him wear ripped jeans. I know he's 11 and all but that kid would rock. I'm just giving this as an example as I haven't read further enough to note where/how you want Ben's character to be.

Sorry if I repeated some notes here already. In general, I think you can cut down your action lines and simplify your slugs to make this one stronger.

Good luck!

Thanks Kinkcooky55

If you repeat something, that means I have to fix it. so no worries on that department.

Appreciate the read. If you would like a return read, let me know.

I'm going to do a rewrite on this soon. Just finishing up 2 scripts at the moment before I do.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Thanks Kinkcooky55 If you repeat something, that means I have to fix it. so no worries on that department. Appreciate the read. If you would like a return read, let me know. I'm going to do a rewrite on this soon. Just finishing up 2 scripts at the moment before I do. Gabe

*stokes the fires*

Hey Gabe,

This came up in my queue...
I see it seems likely you're in rewrites.

Should I wait on a new draft for this one?

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett,

I'm going to rewrite this bad boy so please don't read this. Don't want to cause you a headache in trying to figure this script out. lol. Appreciate it though. I would appreciate a review on my 7wc script when it's posted.   

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Brett, I'm going to rewrite this bad boy so please don't read this. Don't want to cause you a headache in trying to figure this script out. lol. Appreciate it though. I would appreciate a review on my 7wc script when it's posted.

Deal!  

E.D.

Hey Gabe.

I remember liking the short for this one, and I was finally able to crack it open this morning for a read.

I read the first act, had all my thoughts to post for you, and I figured I better go back and read some of what other people are saying

I think Greg is pretty much spot on with everything I was thinking, and gave you some great ideas, both how to fix the feature and ways you can take it.

All I'll say is there is a great idea here... there's great possibilities... but you need to focus on just one aspect of your 'Grand Plan' here at a time.  You've mentioned sequels already, but just work on one idea at a time, and take it from there.  'Avengers' wouldn't have made as much money as it has if the heroes didn't have their solo introductions first.

I'll find out which 7wc entry is yours and dowload it and give it a read over the next couple days.

Let me know when you have a new draft of 'Max' up and I'll be happy to check it out.

NEW DRAFT!

Finally, got around to rewriting this. lol. The previous posts from here on out are for an old draft I did. I used those reviews as a foundation to construct this revised feature. Thanks to those who left comments.

NOTE: I did not change the script to follow all of the comments. I'm sorry but, I need to retain some of my style and vision in this. We'll have to agree to disagree on some things. Nothing personal. It's just writing. lol.
If you find a problem that was mentioned before and I didn't change it in this draft, let me know and I'll consider it but, I'll at least offer an explanation on why I didn't go through with it. lol. I'll always consider feedback. END NOTE.

Thank you Don for posting the rewrite up fast and for placing it in the action/adventure category.

I think I've come up with a better logline but, I would like to know which logline works best before I ask to change it.

In a X-men style action and adventure, a young girl discovers she has a superhuman ability and embarks on a quest to save her parents from an evil carnival leader.  

OR

Discovering she has a superhuman ability, a young girl embarks on a quest to save her parents from an evil carnival leader. (This is the one that's posted up)

OR

Whatever you suggest. lol. I'm open to ideas. I kind of dig the first one due to the X-men reference but, I don't know. Let me know your thoughts.

Furthermore, thanks to Gary Rademan (grademan), Mark Moore (irish eyes), and Mark Lyons (rc1107) for their insightful reviews which they did twice for me.

WHAT MAJOR CHANGES I DID? Well,...:

Reduced characters. lol.
Focused more attention btw family and Max.
Took the story outside the carnival.
And made it more action/adventure/horror.  

Any reviews will be appreciated. If you would like a return read, let me know.

And thanks to those who do review this.

Gabe

Quoted from Gabe I think I've come up with a better logline but, I would like to know which logline works best before I ask to change it.

That's tough to say.  Usually, I don't like to compare my stories to anything else, but using the X-Men comparison would probably attract more viewers and be a bigger selling point.

I'd say use the non-X-men logline for now, and see if you can find a way to distinguish the story to distance yourself from the X-men comparison to stand on its own.

Totally understandable, Mark.

The first logline using the X men reference I find to be way to long. lol. I can separate it into a different sentence if I had another movie prob.

I'll need some time to think about it. But, as we know, time is very short. lol.

I'll see what others have to say.

Gabe

Bumping it up in the hopes of getting reads.

Hey Gabe,

I'll give this a read brother.

You give a lot to SS. The least I cando is return the favor.

Give me a few days to get back to you.

Shawn.....><