James, I did include a line to let you know Arthur was not Micah's actual father...he says,

"Your Mom’s gone, Kid.  You’re with me now…remember?  Quit bitching…I’m tired of it."

Ash's "change of heart" was because for the first time, he saw doves (a sign of peace) instead of the eagles and owls.  But also, he was in a no win situation, and death was eminent.  His boss, Arthur, was already dead, so no repercussions, he'd already been paid by Arthur, and Miroslav offered him double what he already go, as well as safe passage to Geneva, where there were people who could help him with his disease.  He was also tired of the killing and he was kinda taken with Micah.

Ok. We have one of our next contestants, Jwent.  Looking for a challenger.  PM me.  Won't happen until next Wednesday.

Quoted from mcornetto Sandra,  They were written in a couple of days.  If you aren't used to doing that then you're going to make errors. Ok. Here's the real announcement.   A - Ryan B - Jeff Ryan is still the undefeated champion.  Jeff put up a good fight but didn't quite pull the votes needed to win.   Who's up next against our unbeatable penslinger?

Yes Michael, I know. Which is why I stated,

They must have been just worn out.

Jeff is not one to submit work with errors. He's too high caliber at his worst. He's a perfectionist.

Sandra

See my post above, Sandra, my dearest...

You're right, I am a perfectionist, and it's upsetting to me when I make a mistake, but it's also upsetting when I'm called out for mistakes that I didn't make.

I was not worn out at all, but I do have a frickin' irritating stomach virus, but in no way will I blame that for this script.

Quoted from Dreamscale Sandra, the only error in my script was a typo that Mark correctly pointed out. .

I disagree, Jeff. Give me enough time and I can find a lot of errors.

Let's look at the beginning and now I might be making errors, but still...

OVER BLACK:

SUPER:  If your circle stays unbroken, then you’re a lucky man, cause it never, never, never has for me.

*Like I said, why do this in plain letters. It's too long.

There has to be a stronger way than this.

With:

> Traffic sits at a standstill

Could be

*Traffic crawls

Save some words. Buy a line type thing. Faster read.

>ARTHUR MIDDLETON, 50’s, well dressed, stern features, stands with his daughter, MICAH, 12, cute, innocent eyes, just outside the entrance.

The ever loving “stands”. Would be better to say “waits”--

Otherwise, why are they going to be going "duh" while people enter
briskly. I think we all need to find other words for "stands" and "sits".

...Except when necessary.

Question: When is it necessary?

Here:

How do we know this is his daughter?

The line:

ARTHUR
Your Mom’s gone, Kid.  You’re with me now…remember?  Quit bitching…I’m tired of it.

Doesn’t sound like that of a father-- except a really bad father, which many might not get.

So I think you need her to call him Dad.

Or at least perhaps, we might need a small character intro to see the bastard that he is, talking to his twelve year old daughter like that. Otherwise, with him--

Outside the bar like that--

We might, at least I might, think that she's a young prostitute working for him.

I know... But I'm inclined to think that way.

You are letting your ego get the best of you when you say, "That's the only error I made".

Don't worry if you make a thousand errors. I get your script and it is damn good; so don't worry.
It's a thousand miles away from what I could do in a couple of days.

Sandra

Quoted from JC Cleveland My only question is where in the world did Tommy P come from, why did he show up and vote, not leave any feedback, and then disappear again?

I'm not speaking for Tommy, but I know I voted on I think the 2nd or 3rd challenge and didn't leave any feedback because I was having trouble with my modem.  I'd keep timing out for some reason.

That's also why during the last challenge, I voted at night and I wrote a reply right after i voted, but when I hit to post it, I lost connection.  (I had time the next morning though to leave a quickie reply that time.)

Now with my modem, I've learned to COPY everything I type before I post it, so if I do time out I can just Paste it to Word and save it for whenever I can get back on and post again.

Jeff, this one's to you.

Have you used the character name 'Micah' before (in an OWC?) cause I had a feeling on first read, your script was B.

To be perfectly honest had I known you were the 'writer' I prob. wouldn't have voted for yours, just purely for the fact you can be a bit of a condescending prick and 'know all' which is why you quite often rub people the wrong way... and you're proud of it.

Confession. I was actually a bit disappointed this a.m. (despite my suspicions) to discover you were the 'writer' of B. It was a real toss-up for me between your script and Ryan's. Both scripts (for the time constraints) were terrific. In the end I voted for yours cause I felt it really had that 'x factor' - delib. pun - 'SC of SS'.

Now, I'm still kind of stunned to discover you were the 'writer' of B.  Because, (minor errors aside) this is def. a cut above your usual imho. and I really didn't know you were capable of the visuals, and departure from your usual dross.

Sounds like a bit of a back-handed compliment. But really... well done. I'm proud of you

Keep writing honestly... and you may well find success.

Sandra, my ego is what it is, but that has nothing to do with what I said here.  Everyone has their own opinions on things and that's what makes this world go round.  I may not agree with people on numerous things, but if someone truly thinks that way, that's completely fine and cool.

The things you're now bringing up are merely semantics, not mistakes...and again, they're your opinion.  This Showdown thing isn't even submitted in screenwriting form, so it's impossible to say that a word here, or a word there makes any difference in line and space usage.

Why is my SUPER "too long"?  That phrase would easily fit on a single line, on a screen.  Would it be better as a VO from Ash?  Maybe, but it doesn't matter, cause you don't know who Ash is at that point, it's a frickin' short, for God's sake, and if you hear it, vs seeing it, you may miss what it's even saying. And, unless you Google it, chances are very good that you have no clue what it means, or where it's from...but then again, there are those who will know immediately what it is and where it's from, and who it's throwing out a big old High Five to.

The way Arthur treats his "daughter" actually is saying quite a bit, and it makes the end all the more believable.  Using "daughter" in an action/description line is one of the few unfilmables that I believe in...it doesn't take up any extra space, and it gives a reader a cue, and we all hopefully know that a written version, compared to a filmed version, needs a little here and there. If you can throw a few in that don't detract or take you out of the read, why the Hell not?

Mark, listen, man, you've been around for these Showdowns...Tommy P hasn't, nor has he reared his ugly mug   in quite some time in here.  It's just very, very odd.  Just saying.

It's cool.  Ryan write another good, solid script.  He's a great writer, as he knows, and as he knows that I know, cause I've told him numerous times.

Quoted from LC Jeff, this one's to you. Have you used the character name 'Micah' before (in an OWC?) cause I had a feeling on first read, your script was B. To be perfectly honest had I known you were the 'writer' I prob. wouldn't have voted for yours, just purely for the fact you can be a bit of a condescending prick and 'know all' which is why you quite often rub people the wrong way... and you're proud of it. Confession. I was actually a bit disappointed this a.m. (despite my suspicions) to discover you were the 'writer' of B. It was a real toss-up for me between your script and Ryan's. Both scripts (for the time constraints) were terrific. In the end I voted for yours cause I felt it really had that 'x factor' - delib. pun - 'SC of SS'. Now, I'm still kind of stunned to discover you were the 'writer' of B.  Because, (minor errors aside) this is def. a cut above your usual imho. and I really didn't know you were capable of the visuals, and departure from your usual dross. Sounds like a bit of a back-handed compliment. But really... well done. I'm proud of you Keep writing honestly... and you may well find success.

Me too. Jeff's script is complete. Stupid nitpicks  aside--

It's solid.

But ya gotta give criticism, right? That's the point.

Roses to  you, Jeff,

Sandra

LC, no, I haven't used the name Micah before, as far as I know...more to follow in a few minutes...I need a smoke...badly!

Quoted from Dreamscale LC, no, I haven't used the name Micah before, as far as I know...more to follow in a few minutes...I need a smoke...badly!

You don't smoke. Cut that out!

Sandra

Oh yes I do...

Quoted from Dreamscale Oh yes I do...

Quit it, now!  

Sandra

Quoted from Dreamscale LC, no, I haven't used the name Micah before, as far as I know...more to follow in a few minutes...I need a smoke...badly!

Re 'Micah'. Ok, cool.

Just in case you think I'm not responding to you responding further to my thoughts, gotta fly out the door... is Sunday in Oz, and I've got a date.

I wanted to post my honest thoughts re your script before this thread disappeared and the new challenge began.

Be back on later, or will PM if you had something further to add.

Was really just saying you surprised me and, 'you did good'.

I'm still needing a second for the next challenge.