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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  Pia's and Dena's short film...help! Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Pia's and Dena's short film...help!  (currently 8337 views)
Grandma Bear
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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Thank you all for all the suggestions!  

Yes, we will try to get the sexiest hottest guy we can find! And he'll be totally safe because we're two nice little old ladies...     Kidding of course. We're nothing but! Good suggestion and I think you're right that he should be hot in contrast with her who's not.

Libby, the mummy baby, I always envisioned as being filmed like the mummy mommy in Psycho. Using the same technique too. Can't remember right now if you pull back at the same time as you zoom in or the other way around. Gives a sense of panic and claustrophobia.

I still haven't read this, but will do so this weekend. I'm thinking I'd like to see this somewhere around 5-7 pages. And definitely not a funny script.

Eric, I'll definitely try to make this script more clear. I think I'm a bit better as a writer than I was back then. And with Dena by my side, I think this will turnout great.

Thanks everyone!  


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LC
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Libby, the mummy baby, I always envisioned as being filmed like the mummy mommy in Psycho. Using the same technique too. Can't remember right now if you pull back at the same time as you zoom in or the other way around. Gives a sense of panic and claustrophobia.

Gotcha. Should do the trick.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
We will try to get the sexiest hottest guy we can find!

In that case count me in as your target demographic.  





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DS
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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First of all, best of luck to both of you with this project. Hope it turns out great.

Gave the script a read - my thoughts:

I like the premise and think it's an interesting one. I most enjoyed the opening and ending scenes. I think the perspective that it's approached from is very well handled, the reader/viewer waking up with David, knowing as little as he does. The ending scene was definitely chilling and the stand-out of the script. What was in the middle however, I didn't like as much.

The fact that Jill's story was bogus was too obvious, too soon. It feels like a waste of the plot point to me. I think this script could play around the paranoia and uncertainty longer and with a bigger attempt to make both sides seem plausible, being more engaging. Otherwise, it's rather stale imo.

Anyways, I really liked the visual of David getting out of the house and finding himself in the middle of nowhere. I think the shovel could be replaced with say, a needle. It would avoid the "bang on the head" cliche and show Jill being ready to handle such situations. If Jill is going around kidnapping dozens of daddy candidates, she's got to be prepared to contain them when necessary. A sedative will do the trick.

The other thing that didn't sit right with me was David's dialogue. It felt off most of the time and David's character also seems plain, more like a story device rather than a character. I'll reference a few moments that I thought didn't work about the dialogue the most.

DAVID
What accident?. What are you
talking about? - I think one of these should be dropped.

DAVID
I have no idea what you're talking
about. I work at Baxter's
construction and we have a meeting
today about a building that's
cracking in its foundation. - Bringing out his job like that didn't really sit right with me. Sounds like unnecessary exposition and considering David's creeped out anyway and will imagine he just had a one-night stand, would he really tell her where he works? I also think it would be more interesting if the meeting was a blatant lie.

DAVID
This is what's fucking wrong! Get
me loose right now or I'm gonna get
seriously pissed at you! - "Or I'm gonna get seriously pissed at you" sounds somewhat like a 7 year old having a go at their parents while careful not to lose any allowance into the swear jar and really is odd in the context.

DAVID
Fuck!! - He says fuck and rattles the bed right after trying to convince Jill that he remembers? Good chance she'd hear.

DAVID
(to himself)
She's fucking nuts. - Goes without saying and needing a thinking out loud moment.

Hope this helped.

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DS  -  January 9th, 2015, 11:40am
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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The filmed version will definitely be shorter than it appears on the page...and I agree it shouldn't run over 10 minutes.

I disagree about getting a "sexy" dude to play the role, however.  I think it should be reversed - the dude is average looking and the girl is smoking hot, which would make sense how she could get all these dudes in the first place.

I'd also highly recommend that this smoking hot, super sexy babe be nude while cooking breakfast. It would really punch that scene up and make it much more entertaining.

In fact, taking this a step further, have her nude or at least topless as they eat breakfast, and that way, the dude won't be in such a hurry to go.

I remember back in college having nude dinners with chicks and how much fun it was.  It was also a hilarious story to bring up at parties that no one would believe unless someone else who was aware of it was there to back it up.

The world needs to see this play out on film!!    
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Nomad
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Pia & Dena,

Here are a couple notes I made while reading through your script.

Daddy's Home

Oh...and I second Jeff's suggestion about Jill being hot and nude.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
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MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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I would strongly suggest you don't make the man incredibly sexy and the woman ordinary...you would give the game away in the very first scene they are together.

If anything, it would make more sense the other way around. An ordinary guy, and a super hot woman.

However, just two ordinary people who can act really well is all you need.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
An ordinary guy, and a super hot woman.


You mean a super hot nekkid woman, right?  

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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a good British boy, Jeff.

I wouldn't even know what one of those is.
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
I'm a good British boy, Jeff.

I wouldn't even know what one of those is.





Oh yeah, I forgot...sorry...

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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Jordan, thanks for those awesome notes! Very much appreciated! Regarding the flower, although it's true she's crazy, putting a flower on a grave is just what you do, even if you don't like the person...no?  

Regarding the sexy guy or woman. I think it comes down to budget. The hotter the person, the more money they charge. You should know this, Jeff! Same goes for the acting abilities. A hot actor who can also act costs even more. We don't have a huge budget, but we're planning on getting cast and crew from Jax which has a large pool of both, compared to my town. Dena's going to be very important in helping with location, crew and cast.

Cheers everyone!  


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Stumpzian
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Don't think I can add much to the many good suggestions, nor can I top the idea about breakfast in the nude.

Reminds me of the game my wife and I played (fully dressed) about what old movies would be the funniest if filmed in the nude. The best we came up with was "Stagecoach."

I'll limit myself to just a couple of thoughts.

I wondered why David never remembered ANYTHING about the night before.

I agree with those who said (1) his first escape was too easy, (2) she should be better looking so as to make the number of previous daddy candidates more plausible, (3) delay tipping us off that she's crazy, and (4) definitely make the mummy reveal a key shock moment.

Oh, I forgot to say: I liked it. Look forward to seeing this.

Henry



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eldave1
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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Gave it a read. I liked the overall premise and especially the ending. I agree with another poster's view here in regards to the safety pin and the ability unlock the handcuffs.  

I did have a problem with the tone of the first two pages. A dude wakes up in bed. He doesn't know or seem to remember anything about how he got there, yet sits down for a relatively friendly, small talk breakfast with this complete stranger (Jill). To me, it was an unnatural sequence of events. I think it works better starting with him handcuffed to the bed.

Best of luck with this.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Cool story, nice snapshot of a psycho. Two things:

1) David serves as more a device to reveal Jill's true nature. Even though I felt for his situation as the plot unraveled, a quirk or two might give the audience a relatable connection in a short period of time.

2) The mummy baby felt unnecessary. The tape recorder is sufficient, and the ending is pretty damn disturbing anyway. Although I guess it gives Jill a motive to act bat-shit crazy.

The premise made me dizzy, which is a good thing. Good luck, ladies.
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stevie
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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Pia, I'm willing to fly over at my own cost to play the lead male.

You and Dena will just have to pay the insurance on my denim shorts.




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LC
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Quoted from stevie
Pia, I'm willing to fly over at my own cost to play the lead male.
You and Dena will just have to pay the insurance on my denim shorts.


Cracked me up. If they hire you for the lead Stevie I'll fly over as well just to see the actor at work. Not that I think you don't look good in them...



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