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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  Single scene for critique Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Single scene for critique  (currently 382 views)
Geezis
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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As an exercise I wrote a single scene to help develop my skills. Feedback, critique and suggestions more than gratefully received.

Thanks


LINK REMOVED DUE TO POSTER IDIOCY

If you have problems viewing it pls let me know.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.

Revision History (1 edits)
Geezis  -  February 1st, 2020, 8:44pm
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Geezis
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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LC
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 8:40pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Yep. All good.


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Geezis
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Yep. All good.


Yaaaaayy.



If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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LC
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Owen.  I'll let Dave do his bit first seeing as it was his kind offer and I'll add anything if needed later.

One thing while you're waiting...The use of parentheticals, "wrylies' - always lower case btw, and overused. (sarcastically) (with attitude) You don't need to spoonfeed your audience as much as you are. You've created a tone already.


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Zack
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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First thing I notice is the first slug.

EXT. OUTSIDE TOM'S HOUSE - MORNING.

Change that to --

EXT. TOM'S HOUSE - MORNING

Do people wax their cars in the morning? Seems like an afternoon thing to me.
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Geezis
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Owen.  I'll let Dave do his bit first seeing as it was his kind offer and I'll add anything if needed later.

One thing while you're waiting...The use of parentheticals, "wrylies' - always lower case btw, and overused. (sarcastically) (with attitude) You don't need to spoonfeed your audience as much as you are. You've created a tone already.


Thanks for that, I'll dial back the "wrylies" and format properly in future.



If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Geezis
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
First thing I notice is the first slug.

EXT. OUTSIDE TOM'S HOUSE - MORNING.

Change that to --

EXT. TOM'S HOUSE - MORNING

Do people wax their cars in the morning? Seems like an afternoon thing to me.


Thanks, I'll not use so much description in the slug.

Didn't realise car waxing was time specified lol.



If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Zack
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from Geezis


Didn't realise car waxing was time specified lol.



Just a stupid nit pick on my part. I suck at reviews.

I'll read the rest of this and get back to you with my thoughts.
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Geezis
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack


Just a stupid nit pick on my part. I suck at reviews.

I'll read the rest of this and get back to you with my thoughts.


Thank you  



If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Arundel
Posted: February 2nd, 2020, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with what the other reviewers said. Also, if the son is 17 he shouldn't be surprised that his dad refers to his car as "she". A few lines later he says something alluding to not being a kid anymore.

It was a good exercise and well contained scene. You kept it short and it was easy to make it to the end.
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Dustin
Posted: February 2nd, 2020, 3:55am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I can't copy from your script. Your first three action lines have missing commas.


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Geezis
Posted: February 2nd, 2020, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Arundel
I have to agree with what the other reviewers said. Also, if the son is 17 he shouldn't be surprised that his dad refers to his car as "she". A few lines later he says something alluding to not being a kid anymore.

It was a good exercise and well contained scene. You kept it short and it was easy to make it to the end.


Thank you. I can work on my character development.



If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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Geezis
Posted: February 2nd, 2020, 6:56am Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Quoted from Dustin
I can't copy from your script. Your first three action lines have missing commas.


I'll keep an eye on my grammatical errors, thanks for the feedback.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2020, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, Owen - as promised.


Quoted Text
EXT. OUTSIDE TOMíS HOUSE - MORNING.


Don't need OUTSIDE - it's an EXT setting. Put use the header to give us as much info as possible. For example:

EXT. TOMíS HOUSE/DRIVEWAY - DAY

There is not enough meat on the bone to start with. I don't know anything about Tom or Will, their station in life, their looks, etc. Just my opinion, but when I am first meeting a character I want some of that. You have this:


Quoted Text
TOM (47) meticulously waxes his car.

WILL (19) jogs from the house carrying a bag.


I would add a little bit of meat. As an spit ball example.


Quoted Text
TOM (47), fit and trim meticulously waxes the fender of a BMW COUPE. He stops wipes sweat for his brow as he admires his work.


Okay - it doesn't have to be that - the point being my making a few changes I can infer that Tom is at least middle-class, has been working at this task quite a bit and is proud of his car and his work.


Quoted Text
WILL (19) jogs from the house carrying a bag.


Watch lines like this - does he need to be carrying a bag? If so, you got to help us out here - it is a plastic bag, grocery bag, duffel bag, etc.?  But you probably don't need any bag since you don't use it in the scene anyway.

And like with Tom, I'd add a bit of description - maybe he's got a baseball cap on backwards or something.

The point being try to make every line you write count and get out of that line as much as possible, efficiently as possible.  


Quoted Text
WILL
Hey dad, you almost done?


I'd go with Dad since it is used as a name.
You need a comma after Hey. Should be:

WILL
Hey, Dad. You almost done?

TOM
Done with what?


Quoted Text
Will stands beside the car pointing at it.
WILL
With this.


I think all you need it.

Will points at the car.


Quoted Text
TOM
Careful what youíre saying kiddo,
Iíve just spent the best part of
an hour washing and waxing her.


Need a comma after kiddo. Also - shorten

TOM
Careful, kiddo,
Iíve just spent the best part of
an hour washing and waxing her.


Quoted Text
WILL
Her? Youíve given your car a sex?


This sounds unnatural to me. I'd just go with.

WILL
Her...?


Quoted Text
TOM
Every manís car is a her, youíll
learn that as you get older.

WILL
(With attitude)
Yeah I get it, you love to get
inside her and she takes you to
heaven and back, Iíve heard that
one before.

Tom gets pissed at this.


First, you are way over-using parentheticals here.  Check out this post on the site:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1553907192/s-new/

PS - there are a lot of threads there you could read to help you out.

Second - the dialogue didn't seem natural for me from a 17 year-old to his Dad.

I'd really avoid stuff like:


Quoted Text
Tom gets pissed at this.



Quoted Text
Tom seems startled by this calms down.



Quoted Text
Will loosens up and gets jovial.



Quoted Text
Tom gets a little tense.


These things should generally be evident through action or dialogue.


Quoted Text
A few of the guys? No way, take
the bus.


Uber?


Quoted Text
Alice walks provocatively into the house while Tom just
watches with a wry grin on is face.


Always go through a script and look for pedestrian verbs like "walks" and see if you can't use one that has more pop. Example - how about -

Alice sashays towards the house...

So, Owen - all in all for a newbie I think you are headed in the right direction. Keep at it ,mate. You have many of the basics down and now need to work on the craft - I would keep reading and writing and definitely take a look at all of the threads in the screenwriting class section of this site.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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