Okay, finished.

A couple things...

- A minor formatting issue. You might want to put spaces in between sluglines and action paragraphs to Makes things look a little more organized.

- Not everyone knows what a Jackalope is so it would be better to assume that no one does and give it a description when it’s first introduced. Tex does explain later what a Jackalope is but if this were a movie, the audience would already know and it’d be pointless to reiterate.

pg. 10 – No need to say Tex is dressed. That’s naturally assumed. If he’s getting dressed or dressed in something particular then you might want to make note. Otherwise, lose the line.

- I think the times of day in your sluglines are too specific. Just leave it at night and day. I think you can write that it’s sunrise into your action lines if it really needs to be specified.

- Again, not everyone knows what a Hodag looks like. Give a description of the statue.

pg. 30 “Patch covers his face sneezing and stuff?” “Stuff” isn’t a good word at all. It’s weak, ambiguous, and to be honest, sounds like lazy writing. Use something stronger.

pg. 32 You use “BTW.” This is a screenplay, not a message board. Again, this feels like lazy writing. Stuff like this sends the message that you don’t really care about your work, which I’m sure is something you don’t want. Fix this.

- Also, on the same page, you have go out written "gout." Fix this.

pg. 58 - The parenthetical before the montage is unnecessary. If you really have your heart set on this song, I guess you can use it. No need to apologize.

- Same page. In the montage, you mention "fun scenes" and "random scenes." These are extremely vague terms. I have no idea what you're talking about. Try to give some details about which scenes exactly would be used in this montage.

- Same page again. It's "boarding house," not "bording house" so in this case, you should write "boardin' house."

- As cool as it may be, this Jackalope chase was a little weird. I mean, is it actually happening or is it all in Tex’ mind. I’d assume the latter but I think you should make it clear which.

This was an enjoyable read. The plot was original and interesting and it reads pretty fast and smoothly. I particularly enjoyed the chase scenes and any scene with the Jackalope was pretty cool as well (especially when it says "go to her," I got a kick out of that). The town scenes could be seen as redundant but I got a strong mockumentary feel from this so it's fine the way it is. You also have a lot of stuff going on in between with the characters, which is important and gave the script a "coming of age" feel as well. My only real problem with this is that, while it is a very well-conceived multi-layered story, I think there are times where you sell yourself short in terms of writing (a few of which I've mentioned above). Be more descriptive, avoid vague terms, and try not to abbreviate anything. I think you could really strengthen your script by doing so. Other than that, good job with this one.

Hey, thanks for the read James, I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I just went through and spaced the action away from the location.  I had actually though that they were supposed to be right next to eachother, so thats definetely a good thing to know.

I got rid of all the "stuff's" and vagueness, which I will admit I knew was not right, but I was hoping to get away with it. Well, I'm glad I didnt.

I went and put a description of the hodag and jackkelope in, thanks, that didnt pccur to me at all.

As for the time of day IO thought you weres supposed to be even more specific then what I was doing.  That's definetely a relief.

One thing I'm not sure about is this:

Quoted from James McClung pg. 32 You use “BTW.” This is a screenplay, not a message board. Again, this feels like lazy writing. Stuff like this sends the message that you don’t really care about your work, which I’m sure is something you don’t want. Fix this. - Also, on the same page, you have go out written "gout." Fix this.

Isn't it okay because the character is actually saying "BTW" because he wants to be "hip"?  I don't know, I feel like what I did their was right.

Anyway, thanks a lot, you were a big help.

-Tyler

PS- I should get to reading "House of God" as soon as I finish reading "All the Kings Men" for english.  Which, opefully, will be soon.

Jumping in here.  

I remember reading those lines and thinking the same thing that James was, but having the character explain what everything meant kinda made up for it.  Since he is basically spelling it out, I would write it B-T-W.  The dashes denote spelling.

Quoted from Shelton Jumping in here.   I remember reading those lines and thinking the same thing that James was, but having the character explain what everything meant kinda made up for it.  Since he is basically spelling it out, I would write it B-T-W.  The dashes denote spelling.

Ok, thanks mike.

Quoted from Higgonaitor Isn't it okay because the character is actually saying "BTW" because he wants to be "hip"?  I don't know, I feel like what I did their was right.

I see what you're getting at but it still doesn't work. No one actually says "BTW." It is a written abbreviation only. People say "FYI" because it's shorter than saying "for your information." If you actually say "BTW," you end up saying more of a mouthful than just "by the way." So yeah, I'd still change it.

Quoted from James McClung I see what you're getting at but it still doesn't work. No one actually says "BTW." It is a written abbreviation only. People say "FYI" because it's shorter than saying "for your information." If you actually say "BTW," you end up saying more of a mouthful than just "by the way." So yeah, I'd still change it.

I'm sad to say that although completely logical, it is still not true.  People say BTW all the time, especially in my age group. Its funny in the script (or so I'd like to think) because he's middle aged and doing it.  And it gives hm character.  I think I'm gonna keep it, but hyphenate it like mike suggested.

Hey Higgonaitor,

Sorry it took me a whilst, I promised Saturday, but school's been crazy so I just didn't have the time to read anything, but I got through it:

(SPOILERS)

And I really loved it! Why? Because I thought it was great. Well, it's actually not my kind of thing; but I really did think it was really funny - and random! The dream about the balloon who was her Dad and turned into an elephant (or something?) - it was really great.

The Characters of Tex, Patch, Jenny and even Mom were planned and written perfectly. They were all so snappy and fun - it really adds to the comedy of the script.  It's also very realistic (well, in a certain point of view).

The action was also great, I can't remember seeing any spelling errors (except for names), I think I did notice some *MINOR* Grammar errors - but that's hardly anything. The main thing is that the action - you can really see it as a film. Everything acts out as it is written - I didn't get confused once. In most cases, I have to refer back to lines -- but not with this script!

The formatting was great, I've gotten so used to PDF files now, it was actually weird for me to read from the white brightness of WORD. That's also another minor thing, but I think you should release it as PDF also, because the format looks brilliant and clean. You can goto http://www.pdfonline.com if you want to do that -- (just a self recommendation!)

I really did think everything was great. From action - to character profiles - and to format. It was all superb. It didn't get boring for me at all.

Also, I loved the thing about Patch eating on the motorbike - the shots of him eating the stuff that Tex and Jenny had just visted cracked me up.

It was a really great comedy, and I'm actually not really into comedies, but this was great.

Highly Recommended! *****/*****

Curse! =]

Wow, thank you so much.  I am overjoyed that you liked it as much as you did, and will of course, get to #747 asap.

thanks.

As soon as I read the title to this script I just had to know what the hell is a jackelope.

Now I know.

The script itself I found to be not all that good. After 50 pages,  scenes in a car and interviewing the locals just got repetative and I lost interest.

But one thing this script has going for it is the line up of odd animals that the hero searches for. Everytime an animal is listed, I did a quick google search and what do you know, they are real mythological animals. I had no idea that America had such a rich history of sightings of odd critters. Amazing.

The subject you have chosen for your script is fantastic. Why didn't you do more with it? Like....oh I dunno...like a Pokemon rip off where Tex and Jenny track down and collect the animals, make them fight each or create a freak show or something.

You have a great idea but it just seems under cooked.

Quoted from tonkatough The subject you have chosen for your script is fantastic. Why didn't you do more with it? Like....oh I dunno...like a Pokemon rip off where Tex and Jenny track down and collect the animals, make them fight each or create a freak show or something. You have a great idea but it just seems under cooked.

I'm glad you liked the culture and all, but it is not that type of comedy.  It keeps an air of reality that would certainly be broken if they battled the mythological creatures as pokemon.

I think you were looking for something that was more like a spoof.

SPOILERS

OMG  WTF  LOL   ROFL   E IS FOR PANTS (?)

That was the most random thing I have ever read. "I wonder what dragon fruit tastes like?". That had me laughing out loud. The plotline alone is random/funny enough, but the oneliners and jokes you use are hilarious. Sure, Path's etaing/driving thing gets old, but I couldn't stop laughing at my mental image of a guy etaing a corn  cob while driving a motorbike.

The format was wrong, at times. Also, there's alot of grammer mistakes, but I'm sure you know by now.

I had no ideas who your charcters where. Is Jenny Tex's girlfriend? Is Patch just plain retarded? What the hell caused TEx to dream baout the jackalope, exactly?

Overall, this is possibly one of the most funny scripts I've read (then gain, I don't rea d many comedies), after Pugumentry.

Ok, Tyler, it's Jackalope's turn!  I won't have the time to read this thing straight through since it's coinciding with an essay I have this week, so I'll read it in doses.  Expect a review sometime this week.

Quoted from -Ben- SPOILERS The format was wrong, at times. Also, there's alot of grammer mistakes, but I'm sure you know by now. I had no ideas who your charcters where. Is Jenny Tex's girlfriend? Is Patch just plain retarded? What the hell caused TEx to dream baout the jackalope, exactly? Overall, this is possibly one of the most funny scripts I've read (then gain, I don't rea d many comedies), after Pugumentry.

What was wrong with the format?  I need to know exactly for the redo.

Glad u liked it, no tex and Jenny were not boyfreind\girlfreind, did anyone else think this?  Nothing really cause tex to dream about the jackaolpe, dreams dont always have causes..and yes, patch is basically reatrded (I would actually lean more towards crazy)

thanks!

Greg, take your time, no rush here.

Just finished this one up.

Tyler, I'll be honest.  Your grammar stinks!  Aside from that I think this is a very original story but the execution could have been better.

Let me start by getting the negatives out of the way.  There were a couple things bugged me from a reading standpoint.  First, you give everyone in here names!  Even people who barely have any lines!  I know it's kind of a rule to respect your characters, but you have too much respect for them.  Rather than giving these people names, give them more descriptive positions, like HICK GUY or FAT GUY or OLD GUY etc. etc.  For example, Gina's role was so tiny in this there was no point to give her a name.  As a reader, when I see that you're introducing someone by name then I'm thinking "He's introducing another big character" and stuff like that.  So, I'd stick with positions.  But that's just me.

Second, the squabble between Tex and Jenny wasn't believable.  You gave them such a fun relationship for the entire story and then suddenly they explode on each other and that just didn't go down well with me.  Maybe Tex likes her?  I don't know.  In basically all other stories that would be the case, but here it wasn't, and if it was it would make that fight more understandable.  You may not wanna go down that Tex liking her road, which is perfectly fine, but you should stick more cruel quirks in there.  Maybe Tex is really poor and Jenny taunts him moreso because of it...just more build up, ya know?

And a couple random things I noticed were that you had a Kelsey in a few places.  Jenny's original name I'm guessing.  And Gene Shepard is spelled "Jean Shepherd."  Christmas Story bitch  

SO.  Onto the positives!  The characters were fun and at times had some very funny quirks.  That guy and using vocal internet slang, the blueberry argument, Patch's dorky language.  I see Patch as a super dork and I wish you would have added in more acne jokes haha.  I guess that stuff goes hand in hand with the dialogue, which I felt were fine.   Tex and Jenny have that buddy-buddy relationship where there's plenty of gags and none of the romantic crap.

Ok, I retract my earlier statement that maybe you should have Tex like Jenny.  Scrap that, keep the buddy-buddy thing!

The thing is that more could have been added to this script.  Teens going on a roadtrip filming a documentary about mythical North American creatures is an awesome concept, but again, so much more could have come from it.  I think you should add more to the towns rather than just an interview or two.  Maybe add some scenes where Tex and Jenny go into the woods and discover even more mythical things or something of that sort.  I think if you build on what you got here then you'll have an amazing blend of fantasy and comedy.

Other things I enjoyed: Mom screaming at Tex over the phone, Patch always eating something on the road(especially when he started peeling the banana and crashed haha), the bikers stopping for the Harley Davidson shirt, and the montages were very well done also.

So overall I think you have a fantastic story here!  Work still needs to be done, but I think if you stick with this one you can mold it into something even better.  Well done, Tyler.  Truly well done.  Questions, comments or complaints?  Don't hesitate.

Quoted from greg Tyler, I'll be honest.  Your grammar stinks!

Yeah, I need to have my sister go through this with a red pen.  She's a beast at that.

Quoted from greg For example, Gina's role was so tiny in this there was no point to give her a name.  As a reader, when I see that you're introducing someone by name then I'm thinking "He's introducing another big character" and stuff like that.  So, I'd stick with positions.  But that's just me.

Who's Gina?  Oh, okay, I see your point.

Quoted from gregoryjbaldwin Second, the squabble between Tex and Jenny wasn't believable.  You gave them such a fun relationship for the entire story and then suddenly they explode on each other and that just didn't go down well with me.  Maybe Tex likes her?  I don't know.  In basically all other stories that would be the case, but here it wasn't, and if it was it would make that fight more understandable.  You may not wanna go down that Tex liking her road, which is perfectly fine, but you should stick more cruel quirks in there.  Maybe Tex is really poor and Jenny taunts him moreso because of it...just more build up, ya know?

Yeah, I think I'll maybe have her like, insult the fact that he really believes in all the cryptozoology.

Quoted from gregoryjbaldwin And a couple random things I noticed were that you had a Kelsey in a few places.  Jenny's original name I'm guessing.  And Gene Shepard is spelled "Jean Shepherd."  Christmas Story bitch

Yeah, I'll fix the kelsey thing. I'm not sure about Gene though, I think that I was actually right, still got the research.  Maybe a christmas story is wrong?

Alright, thanks greg.  glad you liked it.