Um .  . . I'm sorry higgonaitor but no, that was not my intention. Midsummer nights dream was the last thing on my mind when writing script. I have never read that play.

But yes there is a bit of a wink wink nudge at Puck with that character. Glad you picked it up. I am a huge fan of fairy mythology and puck who is . . . um let me recall . . . damn I got to go to my bookshelf and pull out my big book on faires.

Oh yeah here it is. Puck is a scottish Brownie who is the spirit of pranks and mischeif. So it seemed appropiate to have a reference to him- sort of a symbol -through the leader of the punks that terrorize Perplexity Grove.

I hope this answers your question.

Yeah, i kind of realized that as I wnet through, although it would sort of work and might be a good idea.

Anyway, this worked out nicely, and ended with a bang.  There definetely were funny parts, butr I think this might fit better under a drama heading.

Anyway, some problems: The parents hatrid for the sisters (or apathy) needs more than the fact that their "just girls" thatcan't be it.  Perhaps Damon is a miracle baby that should have died or somethjing, attracting all the attention and making the girls feel like outcasts.

As for the retarded giant scene, I think you should find a more PC term.  Also, I know that you wo'y get rid of the whole cat killing, and you are are pretty sensitive with it, but this is an extremely sensitive subject (at least in the states) and although it leads to some hilarious moments and jokes, you need to be aware just how much that could completely turn off an audience.

One more thing, I felt like there were issues with Briana that were not solved at the end.

Otherwise, great job, a script that really kept me going, kudos to you, Ilook forward to more of your work.

-Tyler

Okay, I was kind of rushed with my last review and thought I'd help out a bit more.

I loved when Briana and main guy were going to the old womans house, it had just a happy surreal feel to it that really worked, kind of reminded me of Garden State.

That whole sequence seemed to be the absolute tie between Briana and main guy, which is why it seemed so odd how she was just left out of the ending.  To be completely honest, I almost expected him to go with Briana at the end, and although I am glad you ddn't do that, I think we need more closure on Brianna.  Perhaps something about her needing to take her decisions less lightly, and that main guy and Meredith are always there to help her, and both love her, but....I dunno, something like that.  You can't end a movie with two of the main characters still real upset at eachother, well you can, but I don't think you should.

Hope that helped a bit moe, once again, great job.

-Tyler.  

thank you Mike and Tyler for your reviews.

Mike the main problem you had with the lack of romance between two main characters has been a constant theme with most the reviews regarding this script. This is the one flaw that my script seems to have. Better luck next time I guess.

Tyler, thanks for pointing that out with Brianna, I didn't notice it.  The way I looked at it Javon is the main character and I guess Brianna was the temptation or "forbidden fruit" that he had to get past to progress with his relationship with Meredith. but you have made a very vaild point and I will look into it. thank you.

And yes I will be posting more scripts in the not too distant future. (as soon as I finish writing them)

I finished this a lot sooner than I thought I would. Mostly because it was hard to stop reading this, you did a great job in keeping the story interesting throughout. A few things I think could be improved on however. Questions and comments are as follows, I'll start off with the bad.

I'm not australian, so I think some of the slang was lost on me. pigdog? what's a "dag"? breakfast lunch and "tea"? do you guys say tea for dinner?

Your biggest problem I thought was with the description. They are worded oddly sometimes, as I saw Mike already pointed out before. More "ands" or pronouns should be incorporated. I also think you could cut out and/or condense a lot of description and cut some length off the script. ESPECIALLY when you introduce people. Example:
FLAKKA is a tall, solid bloke in his late twenties. He
charges through the ferns that over run the forest floor,
carries a bolt-action rifle with a large scope attached to
it.
could be written more along the lines of
FLAKKA, late 20's, tall and solid, charges through the ferns
that over run the forest floor. He carries a bolt-action rifle
with a scope attached.

You could trim at least a few lines from your description on everypage, and definetely to every introduction. It moves a lot quicker and cuts down on length. I've been condensing my action in re-writes as i used to do the same thing. The chase scene with the giant could also be conveyed in just a few sentences and you've got a whole page dedicated to that chase. Maybe it's not that big a deal, but To me anyways, a lot of description could be condensed.

This was what I noticed too...
INT. LOUNGE ROOM - MORNING
Brianna stands alone in the lounge room,

If you've got INT. LOUNGE ROOM, you don't have to reiterate that in the description. Another thing that I've been eliminating from my scripts as of late.

There were also a significant amount of misspellings as well. And you put a lot of "thans" when they should be "thens".

You probably shouldn't refer to the retarded giant as the retarded giant either. I don't care either way personally, but other people might find it offensive. I'd just refer to giant as samuel

We go too long without seeing merideth after old lady incident I think. You should cut to Merideth doing something, even if it's just practicing her kendo fighting, or incorporate more from the parents.

Flakka and the parents I feel should have had more of a role in it as well. Maybe even something where Brianna moves back in with her parents at the end. And i think that Brianna and Javon should end on such harsh circumstances, and why'd she go through all that work busting him out for Merideth, and then say that she hates both of them at the end. It just didn't seem to fit. And why at the beginning is Javon on a cat hunting trip, but later in the script, different cat killing opportunities come up, but he now suddenly has a cat conscience? That seemd off to me as well.

Other than the above, I liked the script a lot. I thought this eliminated a lot of cliches. I thought the angle that the "pretty" sister is ignored  too was Interesting to me. I thought at the beginning since one was nerdy and the other pretty you would definitely have the parents ignoring the "ugly" one. So that was a pleasant surprise. I liked how you worked their relationship with the parents, which is why I would have liked to see more of it. The angle of moving in with the sister was an odd angle too that I liked.

cats in pickle jars was so weird, in a good way. Congratulations on that. This was worth the read just for that one scene with the giant and the old lady.

All and all this had a very twisted humor and blurred genres, which I praise completely. I'd say that this was more of a drama or "Dramedy" if you will, and think it would have done better in the drama section. Don't you just hate having to label your scripts with a genre? I know I do. This had a very Coen brothers feel to it, or Welcome to the Dollhouse, with the dark humor intertwined with the heavy dramatic overtones. I think you did well with it. That's a hard balance to accomplish correctly. The characters a great and distinct, and the situations (the house trashing, puck and his boys in the masks, the rspca, cat killing, the old lady and pickle jars) are all very memerable, original, and oddly intriguing, and the vibe that comes off of this is unique. You have a very distinct voice all your own, and I will keep an eye out from something by you in the future.

Original is an understatement for this script. You took the story in directions I never would have thought of. I got the whole "Midsummers Night Dream" feel to. I think you did what any screenwriter can do for a reader; you kept it flowing and well formatted. Having that out of the way it allowed me to get into the story and enjoy everything you had to tell.

The characters are unique as well as the setting. The love triangle thing has been done, but it never gets old. I was actually hoping Javon would end up with Brianna. I kind of root for the characters who have an unbridled passion for each other, over the comfortable luke warm relationships. But then again, that's where you surprised me.

The script feels like a European film; a movie like "Amelie" perhaps. I think it's ready for Producers to take a look at and decide what they feel they can do with it. You've made a foundation; some people will like it, others may not. Keep up the good writing my friend.

Luke Bradshaw

Just gonna go ahead and start the post so you know im reading it. Quick things.

Pg 1 Loose back to scene,and POV references. Just reword it to get your point across.

Really do not need these continues at top and bottom. Wasted space. We know its still going till scene changes.


Pg 15.That bro thing is kind of tedious.

You have a few paragraphs over rule of thumb. 4 lines only

Fix sentence page 23

By page 25, I haven’t laughed at all. Comedy? This feels more like a drama, with some joking moments in it. At least at this point. I mean Dealing with seriousness, about parents not loving them and wanted a boy all along. Seems to be a lot more emotional things happening. Not bad story telling just yet tho.

still reading.

I'm so busy reading other people's scripts and reviewing that I totally forgot about my own. Thanks for the read guys.

Sryknow. Thanks for the tip regarding writing action. I am always looking for ways to cut back on words on my scripts so I can fit more story into the page limit.

My first 100 page script read. Good job mate. Although i do agree with some of the critisisms above i liked this story.

Thanks Ape. There are other great 100 pages script floating about on these threads. Indulge yourself.  

Hey tonka, sorry I have been moving, and just got back my net connection. Are you still going to read T.K.? I about finished with review.

Yeah. I got TK on my list. Will read as soon as I finish devil may cry

Ill post section at a time, till you are done with the review.

Pg 25 – Brianna climbs into cab with confidence. I think that says everything you want, without usen the pride and lust for adventure part. Cuz we really cant see all that.

Pg 31 weekly, I think you mean weakly
Pg 32. you can simplify those 2 paragraphs, about the fighters and what everyone wears. Cause it is repetitive info.
Pg 35. ext. vet- proud owner” Scene is unnecessary, well at least to me, why purpose does it serve? We already know he will own 4 cats in 2 weeks. He didn’t leave with a cat so he doesn’t own jjust yet. And its not humorous (again, at least to me)
Pg. 35 ext.bus stop. Try to reframe from restating things. Ex.: a public bus pulls up to BUS STOP. We know it is bust stop from scene heading.  I think you have over written a lot things so far. I have fell victim to it as well. I’m going thru me too and editing a lot which I though was needed. But my consultant says different, says you gotta Say as much in as possible in the fewest words.

EXAMPLE: on pg 32.

Kendo practitioners, dressed in clad armor, wielding shinai and helmets, surround two in the centre of the Dojo.

MIYAZAKI, forty four Japanese sensei. He kneels separate from the group, dressed in his armor and shinai beside him.

                    MIYAZAKI
               HAJIME!
Everything you basically said, alot less words.

OCT 9th

Quite twisted story so far, from a dad yelling bitch and slapping his own daughter, to Brianna calling it a adventure to kill cats…

Pg 40, Im not buying that Meredith can still live in a house, where she kicked her dads ass, and made him bleed.

Side note: How are these 2 brianna and javon afford to rent their own apt? bri work? Has she saved money? (maybe I missed it) and Javon, what does he do? Forks out for rent, and it is totally fine to pay for dead cats? I’ve never heard of selling dead animals, but going to a vet, it would be more realistic (to me) that the vet would give him for free, she he doesn’t have to depose of the corpse himself.

Ok, I'm at page 30, and I figure seeing as Plot Point #1 was introduced, I should make a few comments.

First off, great descriptions.  They really enhance this stong character piece that you've written.  I feel like I really know the characters.  It reminds me of how in "Little Miss Sunshine" the characters are given so much depth that you almost feel that they go on living after the movie is done.  Good dialogue too. Very quick witted.  I would have to agree with earlier posters that this reads more like a comedy-drama.  

Ok, onto some critiques:

1) I really do like that you chose Kendo as the sport Meredith partakes in.  It's very unique, and it's not something run-of-the-mill you see in every film.  However, I fear that the scene where she goes in, kneels down and kisses the sword saying "Forgive me Sensei" (or something to that effect) might come off as cheesy.  I understand why you did it, and it does say something about the character, but I don't know how it would play in the end.  But if you're confident it would play well, then so be it.

2) Perhaps more hesitation on Javon's part before he accepts the invitation to live with Brianna.  I know you're trying to portray him as the good guy, but I don't know if anyone would accept that quickly without a little extra proding.  Moving into a new place is a big deal and I think it might take a bit more.

3) Now maybe this is just me, but I'm a fan of reaction shot comedy.  So perhaps after Javon says "I'm the proud owner of a dead cat!" you could show the reaction shot of someone passing by.  Or perhaps there's an entire bus stop of people standing in front.  Or PETA protesting, or something... I don't know.  Some consider reaction shot comedy beating a joke into the ground, but I've always found it funny.

On to more reading!

Ok, finished!  Man, I'm a readin'-machine.

Ok, I take back what I said about it being a comedy/drama.  I mean, there's elements of drama in there, but what comedy doesn't have that?  It came apparant to me around the mid-way point (somewhere near the catlady) that this was full-fledged comedy.

I really enjoyed this script and would love to see it made into a film because there are a ton of great visual jokes.  My only fear for this script is of it getting made.  It's not a very "Hollywood" script.  This is one of those scripts that you'd have to make yourself on a small indie budget, release it in fesitvals, and watch it go big.  But who knows, there are tons of production companies nowadays looking for unique multi-character stuff like this.  

I honestly have no other real critiques to say about this.  I was interested in it the whole way through.  I guess the only critique I could think of was that it started kind of slow, but it really did pick up. Good job!