SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 27th, 2020, 8:39am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Yes, I am running script reviews, again...

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Love Bites Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Love Bites  (currently 11714 views)
Don
Posted: September 5th, 2006, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14282
Posts Per Day
1.97
Love Bites by Tyler Higgins (higgonator) - Comedy - Love can be a wonderful thing, or so Rick hopes when he falls for his best friend Lucy. But when vampires get involved, he is quick to discover that love . . . bites. 97 pages - doc, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  November 9th, 2006, 9:43pm
Logged
Site Private Message
Higgonaitor
Posted: September 6th, 2006, 12:01am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
(40.717261, -73.600087)
Posts
937
Posts Per Day
0.16
Hey everyone, this is my new script.  I really enjoyed writing it and hope you enjoy reading it.

Any reviews are welcome and taken to the script as well as the heart. Aww!

Tyler.


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)

Revision History (1 edits)
Higgonaitor  -  September 16th, 2006, 4:00pm
Logged
Site Private Message AIM Reply: 1 - 40
tonkatough
Posted: September 9th, 2006, 2:13am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Australia
Posts
587
Posts Per Day
0.11
I noticed on your signature that you wrote the American Jackelope script. I remember reading that and posting a review. I recall commenting on the script having a lose story that was a little weak.

This new script of yours is a big improvement. It was a fun read with a tight story and a well structured plot that kept me reading to see how the story would unfold.

SPOILERS!!!!!

Watch your dialouge. Some of it was great, some of it was bloody hilarious but some of it was too word perfect and felt wooden. Need to shake up that dialouge and make it more naturalistic. Do you really need to have the characters talk a paragraph worth of words of dialouge in every scene?

I love all the little details in your script, there are dozens of them and they just make the story more of a joy to read and spices it up. Like Garret doing weights by using anything he can get his hands on, the fat C.I.T with balloons and sparkles.  Lee as Rick's secutary.

I was amused by the making of holy water and using garlic salt as a weapon. I got a giggle out of that.

The ryming scene was charming. But than again I'm a huge Dr. Suess fan.

The twist was good. I really thought the character you set up to be the vampire really was the vampire. Also liked how you had Garret drink holy water and how it effects the story later on. That was very clever.

This was very enjoyable and I can't see anything wrong with it. the only thing I would question would be the size of the script. Why is everyone sending in scripts that are only 80 pages in length. That's hardly a feature length movie.

And most of the scripts that i read here that are over 100 pages only have enough story to fill a 80 page script.
  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 40
Higgonaitor
Posted: September 9th, 2006, 2:34am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
(40.717261, -73.600087)
Posts
937
Posts Per Day
0.16
Hey!  Thanks for the read, I'm working on Perplexity Grove, should be done by the end of the weekend.

Glad you liked it, and it is good to know that it is an improvement from Jackelope (Although I really did enjoy that script and think that others who haven't yet read it will as well!).

SPOILERS AGAIN!

The wooden dialogue.  I'll have one of my freind just go through my script for me and point that out, because I can't seem to find it, mainly because I talk like that.  I'm, a bit of a grammar freak, and love my word of the day calendar to death (today's word: Dypnosophist-one who excels at table banter).  I do know what you mean though, I've been nailed for this before.

Thanls for noticing the details, I took a lot of time planning them.

One of the reasons I actually really wanted to make this script is because when going through my kitchen i would always come across garlic salt and spray, and think to myself: "Wouldn't it be hilarious if people used these as weapons against vampires?"

The ryhming scene might be my favorite.  Although I did enjoy making the Fat C.I.T. cry.

Glad the twist worked.  I was afraid it might throw people off. I wa actually debating about the holy kool-aid though, because technically, it wouldn't work, holy water works because water is thought to be the purest substance on earth...blah...blah...blah...holy kool-aid gets laughs, its in.

I'm trying to think of new scenes that may further develop the characters/plot.  I think I may add one between Lucy and Constance.

Once again, thanks for the read!

-Tyler

Oh, and bert, Higgonaitor comes from my last name (Higgins).  It became a nickname through a long, odd story.


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
Logged
Site Private Message AIM Reply: 3 - 40
Steve-Dave
Posted: September 13th, 2006, 4:15am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
A galaxy far, far away...
Posts
326
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hey Higgs, (hopefully we're on a mono-syllabic basis) I just finished this and I thought it was a pretty cool and solid script with a lot of good stuff in it. aside from the following...

Many spelling and Grammar errors sprinkled throughout. I don't think Rick would have been too pleased with that. In fact, I think he'd be downright miffed.

Was Lucy named Emily in a previous draft? You had one INT. EMILY'S HOUSE when it should have been Lucy's house and the fat C.I.T. said she followed Emily at the end.

kudos on the reporter "Ren Fields", nice word play on probably my favorite horror character.

I Didn't get a good feel off the characters right off the bat. Mina I thought was funny but just seemed a little too quick. And at first, Rick comes off as kinda a hopeless romantic, I thought it was gonna be more of a Ben Stiller in There's Something About Mary type of character. Very unlucky and what not, bumbling asking Lucy out, and then it seemed like he became like really confident, as Lee's coach and then went more after protecting Lucy...it just seemed like his character took a turn to me. I basically just think everyone should have a little more character development in the beginning. The Fat cit should be introduced a little sooner too.

My major problem with this was that everyone kinda sounded the same. The way they talk, sometimes it got hard to destinguish between their respective identities. Especially things like the pickle conversation sounded like something that Steve or Rick would have said. In fact, Steve, Rick, and Constance all particularly sound very similar. And a lot at the beginning the characters seemed kinda blurred together as I mentioned before. Just a little more character development should do the trick. But you did improve with that as the script went on though, just not so much early on I think.

Did I miss something about Constance's house? 1. he's a spirit, and 2. how'd they know where he lived? I think that should just be redone some other way, leaving out showing him living somewhere.

C.I.T. I think you should tell what it stands for. Maybe I'm just slow, but I didn't get what it meant until I re-read some of the beginning. It's "counselor in training", right?

The swearing I don't think quite fit in this. Usually, I encourage MORE swearing, in every screenplay. But in this one, I thought you did a nice job of being clever, and articulate, and having a more intelligent brand of humor, and having the humor based more in the banter and dialogue, instead of just say, dick and fart jokes. which I liked. But every once in a while you'd throw in an "asshole" or a "shit" and I just didn't think it quite fit. Not a big deal, but still got to me enough to mention it.

Constance, I think for the most part came off as an asshole during his romps with Lucy in dealing with Rick. I think you should play more of the "you got me all wrong Rick, I care for Lucy so stop trying to mess things up" angle, rather than the "just stay away from us and leave me alone" angle. You know, like Rick is more of just an annoyance rather than them just not liking eachother, does that make sense?

The ending, I also thought was kinda odd between Lucy and Rick, in the sense that since Constance is gone, now it just seemed like she settled for Rick. After all, she did choose Constance over Rick, it just struck me as kinda bogus that she chose him just now that constance is gone. I think you should play more of the, "I can't believe you went through all this for me" angle of dialogue. I just didn't get that victorious mushy, "Rick finally came out on top" feel off the ending, which is what I think you were going for.

Other than that I thought it was pretty good. I liked it. It was funny from beginning to end, and had some good routines and dialogue. some of my favorites include: "See age doesn't matter, it's size!" - nice pay off, "I was just gatorade to you", "I pity the fool who tries to drink Lucy", and I doubt you even meant for this to be funny, but I thought it was hilarious when Rick said "when he kidnaps you, don't come running to me" - I don't know why that struck me as funny so much. I liked the scenes where Rick went to borrow the flour, and she didn't stick to his script, and all the holy kool-aid elements too. I also thought Steve was splendidly outrageous with his BAMS! Good job!


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Steve-Dave  -  September 13th, 2006, 6:12am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 40
Higgonaitor
Posted: September 13th, 2006, 11:04am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
(40.717261, -73.600087)
Posts
937
Posts Per Day
0.16
Wow,that was really thorough, thanks.

That was an enourmous help, and will definetely be in the criteria for the re-write.

At the end though, with Lucy and Rick, I actually did not want Rick to have "Finally came out on top"  feeling, but more of a leveled playing field.  They were both right, and they were both wrong.  Rick get's what he wants and Lucy doesnt die.  If Rick came out on top, Lucy would have to come out below, and I'm not quite sure thats exactly what I want.  Does this make sense?

Yes, C.I.T. does mean counselor in training, and that will definetely be explained more now that you mentioned it.

Once again, thank you so much.

Oh, and I'm glad you caught the Renfield Renference.

-Tyler


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
Logged
Site Private Message AIM Reply: 5 - 40
Nixon
Posted: September 14th, 2006, 8:44am Report to Moderator
Moderator



Location
Washington
Posts
1395
Posts Per Day
0.31
I’m always hesitant to read comedies, in my opinion they’re the easiest genre to fuck up. But lately, I’ve been impressed with the comedies around here and yours was no exception. I guess you could say that it’s all in the bam!

This one had me from the beginning, you have several entertaining events sprinkle throughout and each one had me laughing out loud. When the fat counselor in training tried to write the warning on the balloon was a personal favorite. The amount of humor you have in this one, is just right, no need to mess with any of the jokes in a possible rewrite.  

There were quite a few typos through out the script, but nothing really serious. Format wasn’t really a problem, although I’d consult George or another format jockey about page 58 and the whole montage deal. I’m not sure if that’s formatted correctly.

You had some interesting characters in here, my favorite being Lee. He definitely had the whole “Slient Bob” thing going on.  

Rick was a very well written character and had some great one-liners. But he did have some issues. The biggest thing that bothered me was that his cynical demeanor wasn’t constant throughout the entire script. He actually started off as seemly nice guy; just trying to get the girl and then bam, he’s a jerk. Maybe switch around the dialogue during the first few pages.

The Lucy/Emily character(there were a few instances where she was referred to as Emily) needs a little work, simple because there is nothing really special about her. I kept wondering why Rick was after her in the first place.

Drake also needs some work, perhaps a few more clues about his true nature before the Le Perrier scene. Maybe even a flashback, between Drake and Constance, with Drake killing Constance’s wife. It seems like he needs to be developed more, so there’s a bigger shock when everyone finally realizes he’s a vampire.  

Descriptions were, for the most part, fine. Nothing was confusing or needed to be read over more than once.

So, in the end, this was a great script. It’s needs to be cleaned up a little bit, but it’s a solid start.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.

Revision History (1 edits)
Nixon  -  September 14th, 2006, 11:08am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 40
Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 16th, 2006, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1949
Posts Per Day
0.37
Hey, sorry for the wait. I'm still not done reading just wanted to give some feedback so you have something to work with. I forewarn you that this field is not my expertise so...

SPOILERS!
I enjoyed the first scene with Mina especially with her pet rock.

I enjoyed the camp scene - all the boys running wild while the girls are calm.

I had problems with the proceeding scene btw Rick and Lucy especailly with the flour joke.  

The flour joke strenghtens a bit further in Lucy's house, but not much. Rick and Lee reminds me of Silent Bob and the other character that I can't remember his name  now.

The mailman scene trying to deliver the wieghts and topples down - funny

That dialgoue scene when Rick calls Lucy as he draws seems funny to me - I don't know why.

The dialgoue between Lucy and Constance was a bit funny. But went to quick when she gave her number to him.

This so far where I am at. I report more later.

Gabril  
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 40
Higgonaitor
Posted: September 16th, 2006, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
(40.717261, -73.600087)
Posts
937
Posts Per Day
0.16

Quoted from Nixon
When the fat counselor in training tried to write the warning on the balloon was a personal favorite.


That was my favorite joke, alogn with the parents lines and the ryhming.  I'm so glad someone else loved watching the FGat C.I.T.s misfortune.


Quoted from Nixon
Rick was a very well written character and had some great one-liners. But he did have some issues. The biggest thing that bothered me was that his cynical demeanor wasn’t constant throughout the entire script. He actually started off as seemly nice guy; just trying to get the girl and then bam, he’s a jerk. Maybe switch around the dialogue during the first few pages.


Yes, Rick was fun.  He defientely is out of character in the beginning, and I think that needs to just be completely erased and re-written.  I've tried just editting it, but, well, it hasn't worked to well.


Quoted from Nixon
The Lucy/Emily character(there were a few instances where she was referred to as Emily) needs a little work, simple because there is nothing really special about her. I kept wondering why Rick was after her in the first place.


Yeah, I need to go through it and get all the Emily's.  I thin Sry helped point them out for me, so it shouldnt be too tough.  One of the added scenes I'm going to have is another between Lucy and constance, so I can develop her, him, and their relationship.  Three birds with one stone.


Quoted from Nixon
Drake also needs some work, perhaps a few more clues about his true nature before the Le Perrier scene. Maybe even a flashback, between Drake and Constance, with Drake killing Constance’s wife. It seems like he needs to be developed more, so there’s a bigger shock when everyone finally realizes he’s a vampire.


I actually have a question about this, well, clues.  I wanted to write that Drakes van was the same type as Steves, a sort of clue that wouldn't be blaringly obvious when on screen, but is blaringly obvious in the script.  Do I still include it?  Drakes character should be fun to develop further, i think I'll just extend some scenes, giving him a few noticeable characteristics.  perhaps I'll work on his accent.

Glad you liked this Nixon.

-Tyler






NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
Logged
Site Private Message AIM Reply: 8 - 40
James McClung
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3285
Posts Per Day
0.59
Figure I've kept you waiting long enough...

I'm going to break this review in two since I already have a lot of notes. I'm more than halfway through your script so I should have the second half of the review up in the next day or so.

Anyway...

SPOILERS...

pg. 1 – Just call me Mina a hardcore Goth. No need to describe what she’s wearing. I think most people will have an idea of her right away.

pg. 2 – “It jumps out form the tree…” You mean “from.”

- The bat is wearing a hoodie? What the hell kind of a bat is this? I think a regular-sized bat in a hoodie would look, well, like a hoodie… without a bat in it. Maybe it shifts into human form on the way down. That would make more sense.

- What’s up with this Lee cat? He never talks. Is he a mute or what? Perhaps it’s a little too early to say anything but if his sole purpose in the script is to follow Rick around to give him a reason to talk, I’d say either get rid of him or give him a voice.

- A little too much mention of the Goth girl at this point. It’s already been established that she’s been killed. An additional mention might not do too much harm but, at this point, it’s becoming too repetitive.

pg. 19 – Capitalize Constance when introducing him.

- Maybe I missed something but how did Rick and Lee manage to tag along on Lucy and Constance’s get-together. I can’t imagine why Lucy would want them to with the way Rick is behaving.

pg. 31 – “He is not a stalker and if you can’t except that…” You mean “accept.”

pg. 32 - Who’s this Drake guy? Why is Rick so quick to let him join his and Lee’s “quest?” I mean, if he was just eavesdropping on their conversation, what makes Rick think he’s at all trustworthy, let alone the fact he’s only just met him. I think you need a more feasible reason for Drake to join the crew and perhaps a better introduction to his character as well.

- Why does Constance give himself away to Rick? What made him think Rick was onto him. He clearly had no idea Constance was a vampire. Perhaps he could do something peculiar at the mall that catches Rick’s eye and gives him more reason to suspect. That would give a more feasible reason for the confrontation. As of now, Constance could have easily gone on with Lucy, leaving Rick to continue  looking paranoid.

- Where is Drake from? Apparently he’s not American. Perhaps you should mention this if it has anything to do with the story.

pg. 38 – Constance appears to panic at the sight of the garlic, and for good reason, but perhaps he would try to exit more coolly so as not to weird Lucy out?

pg. 40 – “Scramble!!!” sounds a bit odd. How about “Scram!!!”

- The scene in the school hallway following Rick’s revelation to Lucy contains exactly the same information as the one preceeding it. Lose it entirely. No need to repeat what’s already been said and done.

- Again, this scene with Rick and Garrett is repetitive and offers nothing to the story. Lose it or add something to it that makes it important and stand out.

More later...


Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 40
tomson
Posted: September 20th, 2006, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Congratulations on finishing another feature length script. You are well ahead of me already.

This was a cute story! Nicely plotted and nicely written. A quick read for sure.

SPOILERS:

Nice beginning I enjoyed it and I thought it fitting that her name was Mina (Dracula).

Pg 5, “Myby – maybe

I thought it was cute how Rick just babbles on out of nervousness.

It took me a while before I figured out what c.i.t was. Which reminds me, I do think that you should give the Fat c.i.t. a name.

Pg 7, INT. RICK’S HOUSEE – house

Pg 8, ansty - antsy

o n – on

Pg 15-17,  in just two or so pages, you switch from night – day five times. I’m no expert and this might be okay, but I think if this was on screen it would come off as somewhat jumpy.

16, I like Garret bench pressing anything he can get his hands on. Is bench benching what you intended to say here?

17, oh a taller – of a taller

Pg 20, I’ll right – write

Pg 25, Constance stands their – there

Pg 35, Constance says “this is much worse than – don’t you mean Rick?

I really enjoyed your different and clever uses of garlic.

I LOVED the idea of the homemade holy water and how it comes into play later on. Good job!

Garret’s comment after drinking the water is “Holy hell that’s good”. Very good, that was funny!

Pg 54, Lucy’s supposed to be likable, otherwise it wouldn’t make sense for all these guys to run after her. However, repeated comments about the Fat c.i.t. makes her come across as mean and makes me like her less. I felt sorry for that fat unnamed girl.

It does seem to me that Drake becomes a good buddy of theirs a little too quick. He’s basically accepted into the group without question right away.

I really liked how you used a number 2 pencil instead of a stake. You do have a lot of very clever things in this script!

Pg 63, Copnstance – Constance

Pg 64, resteraunt – restaurant

Pg 70, the best joke in the whole script to me was the “Bless you” part, haha.

Pg 72, Jim smiles than – then

Really nice how you worked in the Holy water (kool-aid) here. Funny and kool.

You have a lot of verbs ending in ‘ing. I’m only mentioning this because people tell me this all the time. Stick to “present tense” or something like that, is what they tell me.

Pg 74, the Dad says it smells like dead vampires. How would he know?

Pg 78, I loved Drakes comment to Mina that he was just thirsty.

Drake says “I my might” you probably meant I might

Also on this same page, what is Lucy doing? Did I miss something?

On the last pages I do feel that you need to change the whole thing with the Fat c.i.t. unless you want the audience to dislike Lucy.

This was a nice story and my only major complaint would be related to the dialogue. First of all, the characters speak very much in the same way, but they also speak in an unnatural way for teenagers (at least to me). Sometimes it’s almost theatrical instead of normal. There’s also too much of it. Don’t take this too hard however, this is something that I see a lot in especially the young writers. Trying to further the story through dialogue. I’ve even heard some young people complain that my scripts don’t have enough of it, because that’s what they prefer to read.

Just remember that you are writing a movie and not a comic and you have to think visually. I’m sure you’ve read that each sentence in a screenplay must further the story. This goes for dialogue as well.

I noticed you said that “this is how you talk”, that’s fine for one character, but you need to give the others their own voice.

Nice Job!!  


Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 40
Higgonaitor
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 11:51am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
(40.717261, -73.600087)
Posts
937
Posts Per Day
0.16
Hey Pia,
Thanks for the read!  All that was very helpful for the edit\rewrite I'm working on, so I am very grateful.

As for switching day and night around so much, that was an accident.  The day i accidently added, its supposed to be night, so thanks for pointing that out, i would have never caught it.

The parents saying that it smells like dead vampires is a joke.  You're supposed to think "how would they know?  Thats ridiculous!" and then laugh.  I guess you just thought "thats ridiculous". I think I'll wait for others reactions to this joke before giving it the axe.

I am giving the fat CIT a name (casey, in case you were wondering)  And will change Lucy's reaction towards her at the end, because I don't want Lucy to come off as a joke, justa gil wanting desperately to know what the hell is going on.

On that page, i guess Lucy is just sitting there.  Perhaps I'll have drake pin her with his foot or something.  Thanks for pointing that little hole out.

As for the dialogue sounding the same, I'm having a freind of mine go in and help out woith that abit.  She's focusing on Lucy and Constance, so I guess the others are up to me.

Thanks again Pia!

-Tyler


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
Logged
Site Private Message AIM Reply: 11 - 40
James McClung
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Washington, D.C.
Posts
3285
Posts Per Day
0.59
SPOILERS...

pg. 57 – Garrett is talked into believing Constance is a vampire too quickly. He offers some resistance but when Rick mentions the guy has no reflection and turns into a bat, he eats it right up, like no reflection and shape-shifting is easy to swallow. It should take a little longer before he gives in.

pg. 64 – Constance essentially asks who Drake is. Shouldn’t he already know if he’s supposed to kill him?

pg. 65 – How come Drake’s clothes are reflected in the puddle but Constance is not reflected at all?

- Steve being a vampire seems kind of random. I feel it lacks the impact it should have had since he is such a minor character. Maybe if you expanded his role some, this would come as more of a shock.

pg. 73 – Not sure blood absorbs Kool-Aid. Meh. It’s not a big issue. Just something to think about.

- How does Dad know what burnt vampires smell like? I know it’s a joke but still…

- I think Drake is killed a little too easily. This is no good. Mina is dispatched in the same fashion but that worked well. To do it twice doesn’t. Even so, the whole confrontation is anti-climactic.

- I think you should explain who or what Constance actually is and also what the amulet is. It’s brought up yet subsequently ignored. It’s only partial information as of now and raises more questions than answers. Either get rid of the amulet or give it a purpose. Either way, you need to explain what Constance is.

Anyway, this was a pretty decent read. The premise was clever, there was a wide range of humor, which worked for the most part, and the format is on the money. The characters were decent but I think they could have been better. Rick's motives were understandable but earlier on, he just seemed nosey to me as he's essentially stalking Lucy and Constance on a mere guess that he is not to be trusted. Perhaps if you had some sort of confrontation between the two from the start, it would work better, as Rick would instantly have reason not to trust Constance. Drake also shows up out of nowhere and gets almost no character development until the very end and even then, it is minimal. I'd say expand his character and perhaps Lucy's as well. That'd give more reason for us to care about her and thus care about Rick's quest to save her.

All in all, needs some work, but for the most part, a good easy read with some decent comedy. Good job.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 40
dogglebe
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Tyler, do you actually know any goth people?  Well enough to write stories with them.  Despite the fact that you have Mina dressed goth, I didn't think she was goth at all.  I thought she was retarded.  Seriously!  I'm expecting her to have sex with that poet rock of hers.

You're very wordy when you write.  The dialogue is wordy.  And so are your action descriptions.  If you were to put this script aside for a month, and then edit it, you'd probably cut about a fifth off it (maybe more).

Your dialogue is also very forced and artificial.  Lines like, "I talked myself into a teap with Lucy, which is not something I had hoped to do." and the pickle conversation just makes me shudder and think 'WTF?'

SPOILER

Finally, you have to be careful about details.  How would anyone know that anything happened to Mina.  She's a loner.  She left the bar alone, the night before.  And the police found her blood on her pet rock.  Once again:  WTF?  Unless her pet rock glows in the dark, no one's going to know it from another rock.  And no one's going to notice any particular rock unless it's in a spot where you never find rocks.

Don't work on anymore scripts.  Work on the ones you got.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 13 - 40
Higgonaitor
Posted: September 21st, 2006, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
(40.717261, -73.600087)
Posts
937
Posts Per Day
0.16

Quoted from dogglebe
Tyler, do you actually know any goth people?  Well enough to write stories with them.  Despite the fact that you have Mina dressed goth, I didn't think she was goth at all.  I thought she was retarded.  Seriously!  I'm expecting her to have sex with that poet rock of hers.


I have quite a few goth freinds and none of them act at all like mina (though they do dress the same).  This is a comedy and one comedic element is exaggeration, that is what I tried to use here, exaggeration of a stereotype. She is meant to be socially retarded, a sort of wanna-be goth.  I tried to show this through her hissing at the one guy and him calling hher a freak, but Apparently I need more, so thanks for pointing that out.  Also, the script isn't about goth kids, just two scenes.


Quoted from dogglebe

You're very wordy when you write.  The dialogue is wordy.  And so are your action descriptions.  If you were to put this script aside for a month, and then edit it, you'd probably cut about a fifth off it (maybe more).

Your dialogue is also very forced and artificial.  Lines like, "I talked myself into a teap with Lucy, which is not something I had hoped to do." and the pickle conversation just makes me shudder and think 'WTF?'


I already started that process, where I'm going back to the scenes that I felt awkward writing (the pickle scene being one of those) and re-writing/wording them.  I havent really cut to much off (perhaps in a month or two like you said) but I am getting the "WTF" bits less WTF.


Quoted from dogglebe

Finally, you have to be careful about details.  How would anyone know that anything happened to Mina.  She's a loner.  She left the bar alone, the night before.  And the police found her blood on her pet rock.  Once again:  WTF?  Unless her pet rock glows in the dark, no one's going to know it from another rock.  And no one's going to notice any particular rock unless it's in a spot where you never find rocks.


Huh.  That actually didnt occur to me.  Do you recommend I find a way for them to notice, or just have them not notice?  I guess I could go either way.

Thanks Phil, I'm workin on it.




NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)
Logged
Site Private Message AIM Reply: 14 - 40
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006