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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Pimp Juice Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pimp Juice by Mike Shelton - Comedy - When a tainted batch of red Pop-Ade invades a small town and turns anyone who consumes it into a pimp or ho, the task of correcting the problem falls on three unlikely heroes: King Aloysius, a real life pimp, Sancho, the soothsayer on the street, and Guy Kracker, the whitest white man on Earth. 107 pages - pdf, format


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Shelton  -  October 9th, 2008, 12:08pm
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Shelton
Posted: September 10th, 2008, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, guys.

This is a little different than the version you've seen already, since I did some subsequent rewrites and made a few minor changes.

Long story short.  Read the one here instead.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Did I read the latest one? Or have you already done more on this? Using the power of Som-Som!!!

Sandra



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Shelton
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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Hey Sandra,

I did a little bit more with it, but it isn't vastly different.


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stebrown
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike, just read this. Cracking read mate, really funny.

Some of the dialogue had me creased up, especially from the king.

I liked pretty much everything about it, from the set-up at the start with the four pimps to how you introduced the main characters on the street.

I liked how you fitted in a Passanger 57 quote (gotta do it when ya can haha).

I don't know what you've already done with this but I could definately see a production company wanting to option this. I'd certainly go and see it!

One technical thing -- as always, don't know if I'm right or not -- but you write out dates in the dialogue like Two Thousand and Six, I think you can just write 2006. Saves a bit of space if that is right.

Great job with this man and good luck with it.


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Shelton
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for checking it out, Stephen.  I'm glad you found it funny.

The opening with the four pimps and Jo-Jo at the factory was something that I added in when I was about halfway through the script.  I started thinking that a little backstory and a better explanation of how everything came about was necessary.  Glad it worked.

Passenger 57 just felt right, so I went with it.

I haven't done anything with this yet, other than posting it here.  I think I still have some work to do on it, but I do plan on pitching this around at some point.  Hopefully I'll get the same reaction from them as I have from you.

I usually always write out numbers as words.  If I remember, it's the proper way to do it, but maybe others will chime in with their thoughts.  From a space standpoint, I don't need to lose a whole lot given it's pretty short length.

I do want to get rid of some of those widows though.  It's a little aggravating since they didn't show up in Celtx, and I don't use the typeset feature other than to generate PDFs.

Thanks again.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Mike,

I know we both talked at one time about the crazy scripts we were writing. I know we had some similar ideas. So I see you posted yours. And I can honestly say, I think our two stories are very different.

As with The Hero of Her Heart, you have a colorful cast of characters. I can tell the story initially just sort of flowed right out of you. When I look at scripts like this one, or The Hero of Her Heart, or even my own Singles Camp, I see they don’t necessarily fit the 3 act structure very neatly but they just seem to be all right basically as they are. There’s something innately fun about a story the writer just goes with and lets happen on its own, rather than plan every detail. At least that’s the impression I have of this story.


Some standout moments:

I’m glad the Jo-Jo character shows up later. I think the beginning sequence with him would be too long if he didn’t come back later.

Now as I read this, I didn’t initially find it laugh out loud funny. But I thought it was cute and colorful and I often had a smile on my face as I read. But when I got to page 20 when Jimmy demanded his money back; that’s when I laughed out loud the first time.

The Bob and his wife thing on page 67 was also a standout moment for me.

King James was good.

Guy’s affection for Annie came off as rather sweet and I think it was a good addition that gave the story an extra little oomph.


There are some things I think could tighten it up or make it stronger. In fact, the biggest problem I saw was characters getting introduced too late.

It might be a good idea to introduce the Goodyear Pimp earlier, since he’s an important villain. I think he should meet King Aloysius earlier and call him a poser or something, establish a rivalry between the two.

Annie gets introduced on page 39. I think she should be introduced earlier working on another puff piece or something. I also think Guy should express interest in her earlier, perhaps before they even meet.

I also think you need to “introduce” King Aloysius’ car prior to the Goodyear Pimp showing up in it at the stadium.


Other issues:

Honestly, I think Jimmy should be a bit older. 8 didn’t seem to fit his character.

The Goodyear Pimp says only he and King Aloysius are true pimps, then he calls the king a poser. Is he a true pimp or a poser? Or is that a joke I missed?

Was the only purpose in the shovel murder with Mr. Kwan to make the chink joke? Because it seemed a bit strained.

P48 - I was a little disappointed when Guy asks, “Is that Sancho?,” and didn’t add on, “the soothsayer on the street.”

P60 - whip their ass - I think it would be funny if he says “whip they ass” here. I don’t know why -- haha. I just think it would be funny.

P72 - Sancho’s “cut your face” line sounded out of character for him. The impression I had of him was that he was a fairly laid back, soothsayer sort. “Cut your face” seemed a bit extreme for his character.

Something I thought might be nice but didn’t happen was I thought King Aloysius might drink the pop-aid to become empowered just so he could fight the Goodyear Pimp. I thought that might be an interesting turn. But there’s nothing wrong with the way it turned out. And I like the way the good guys formed a team.


Overall, I thought it was funny at times and at others just fun. Nothing wrong with that. And it was a sustainable fun. Now, on film, I think it would be even better because it relies heavily on visual imagery that just can’t be infused into a written script. In fact, on screen, it could probably provide so much visual imagery that it would take several viewings to catch it all, what with all those pimps and hos everywhere.

Like I said, I think it could be tightened. (What script can’t be?) I think things could be tied together more with earlier introductions of a few key characters, stuff like that. But it’s fun. I had a smile on my face even during the lesser moments. And let’s face it, it delivered on its own level. We all knew for example that Annie had to turn into a ho at some point. We expected it and she did. So in that respect, it delivered what it promised.

I enjoyed it.


Breanne



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Shelton
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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Breanne,

Thanks so much for the in-depth feedback.  You've made some really good points, and have given me a lot to work with going forward.   I'm going to jump around a bit and address things out of order, starting with...


Quoted from Breanne
Something I thought might be nice but didn’t happen was I thought King Aloysius might drink the pop-aid to become empowered just so he could fight the Goodyear Pimp. I thought that might be an interesting turn. But there’s nothing wrong with the way it turned out. And I like the way the good guys formed a team.


I did/do actually have something in mind for this, and although I didn't go through with it, the framework is there.  What I had thought of doing, was to have Jo-Jo take one of the canisters of actual Pop-Ade from one of the "pimps" and toss it to King Aloysius (dramatic fashion, the canister spinning the air in slow-mo).  King Aloyisus drinks it and...nothing.  Nothing happens to him.  He is the pimpinest muthafu*ka in the universe after all.

Your idea to bring in Annie and the Goodyear Pimp earlier is valid.  I really wondered about Annie in that regard since she becomes such a vital part of things, but not so much for GP.  It makes sense given the rivalry with King Aloysius though, and could also serve to show his car.

Guy not saying Sancho's full name is truly a slip up on my part.  I had done it a couple other times as well, and just missed that one.

Goodyear Pimp's comment about true pimps can seem a little off, I know.  My main goal was to establish that until things started going down, they were the only working pimps in Ramova Falls, yet still establish their rivalry.

The shovel murder was there, and just flowed into the chink joke.  It was actually at that point (seeing the feet) where I had to put the script away for a bit to work on something else.

"Whip they ass." is definitely in line with how King Aloysius talks.  That'll be changed.

"cut your face" is definitely out of character for Sancho, but that's kind of what I was going for.  Something completely random, yet threatening to Vandelay.

I agree that this would be an entirely different experience visually, which I'm extremely happy with.  Normally, I get stuck in "talking head" mode, and my scripts end up better suited for the stage instead of the screen.  I've really been working on this as of late, and I'm glad it's starting to show.

My goal going forward will be to tighten it up, as well as blow it out a little.  Boy, that sounds complicated.

Thanks again for checking it out, and I'm glad it was fun for you.





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dogglebe
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Having read this (my first feature in a while), I can't say I liked it very much.  While the premise was good, it read like an SNL sketch that went on 75 pages too long.  I don't think I was halfway through when I started checking how many pages were left.  At the same time, I thought you rushed the first few pages....funny, eh?

For something like this, I don't think the script reached it potential.  You have to go over the top with it; I got the feeling that you wanted to play it safe.

Again, the premise was very good, but it was all I liked about it.


Phil
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Shelton
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Quoted from dogglebe
...I can't say I liked it very much.


And the streak continues.

I'm really not sure what I can respond to, so I'll simply say...

Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you like the premise.



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 11th, 2008, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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Mike,

I'd be curious to see how this would look if you implemented my suggestions.

Playing up your two main characters in the very beginning rather then starting on the dimly lit street I think would be a more comedic start even though you've already got the comedy there I just think it would be cool to see Mrs. Grandma Poppa Pimp crying over where he should go and then getting the spare ashes from the funeral director.

So those blasted ashes that get into the vat are a CURIOUSITY-- WHOSE WERE THEY ANYWAYS? ...and if we know it's a fairytale, like I mentioned, we can go along with whatever you throw at us LOL.

Sandra




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Shelton
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Hey Sandra,

I've been thinking about what you sent for a little while now, and I'm not so sure on it.  The mystery ashes would be a curiosity, sure, but sooner or later that question is going to have to be answered, then where will I be?  With another Super Pimp, only this one is dead and even more difficult to take down.  

Also, where does that leave Grandpoppa Pimp?  I'd have to come with an entirely different scenario for him to return, and his ashes sweeping out of the urn on the mantel seems kind of odd to me.  As it is, he's present and accounted for.  In the Pop-Ade, in Ramova Falls.

Opening it with the explanation that it's a fairy tale puts it into the "it's all a dream" realm right from the get go, and I'm not overly fond of that method.  It does help to rationalize things a little bit better, I agree, but I would expect anyone reading the script after seeing the logline to be perfectly ready to suspend disbelief.

Going that route makes me think of Abbott and Costello's Jack and the Beanstalk, where Bud is telling Lou a story that segues into them in the fairy tale.  Wizard of Oz deserves a mention as well, even though you don't find out the dream part until the end.

I definitely appreciate the read and the feedback, but I think I'm going to keep the structure that I have and expand on that.


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You should add more pimp.  It could be pimpier.


Phil
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Shelton
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Quoted from dogglebe
You should add more pimp.  It could be pimpier.


Phil


Thanks



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 12th, 2008, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I know exactly what you mean about the "it was all a dream". But I BELIEVE IN YOU MIKE!!! I KNOW YOU CAN PULL IT OFF!!!! Who else could write about Goodyear Pimp and his band of merry Pimps and Hos!!!

I don't have the answers to your questions right now. I know when you start making even the littlest changes-- then that it screws with your story line; so disassembling it would probably be pretty tedious I know.

If I come up with some brilliant idea in this field of dreams-- I'll let you know.

Sandra




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