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  Author    The Order of Things  (currently 4491 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2009, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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The Order of Things by Mike Shelton - Comedy, Romantic Comedy  - Marty's a perpetual bachelor, resigned to the fact that he's just not destined for marriage.  But when his mother refuses to let his newly engaged, younger brother Mikey get married until he does, Marty finds himself back in the game and on the hunt for a wife.  104 pages - pdf, format


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Shelton  -  February 19th, 2009, 2:29am
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Hey Mike,

I'm about half way through the script and I just want to get my initial thoughts down while they're still fresh in my head.

First impression: Good. RomComs ain't really my scene but it's actually quite refreshing to read something "light" for once (and I don't mean "light" in a negative way). The script is a breeze to read, I mean the first fifty pages took me, what,  twenty, twenty-five minutes to read - that's a huge plus in my book.

The twist - the fact that Ma wants Marty to get married before Mikey can marry Sofia, and the fact that the brothers go along with that - is a little far fetched. But since this is an Italian family (where mama is always right) I'm okay with that. It's not unbelievable at all but, in this day and age...well, you really gonna have to WANT to buy it for the setup to work.

The dialogue through out (and the the writing in general) - is pretty damn good (and tight). I like that you're fairly economical with your words and don't drag the scenes out with overly long descriptions. They were a couple of instances were I thought you left the scene a bit later than what was actually required. Example:


Quoted from bottom of page 2
PAT
Alright, suit yourself. Just
figured I�d ask.

MARTY
And for that, you�re a good friend
and fantastic bartender. But I�ll
just let some other sap drop to his
knee for a girl. There�s probably
hundreds of �em out there, doing it
right this minute.

I think you should have ended the scene right there cos' that would be a perfect transition to the next scene where Mikey proposes. In fact, if you cut the whole "wine-dialogue" at the opening of the following scene and cut straight to the proposal I think it would play out much more crisp. It's one of those "get in late - leave early" thingys.


Quoted from page 30
MARTY
You�ve got to be kidding me.

MIKEY
No, now c�mon. And for the love of
God, wipe that chocolate off your
forehead. You look like Gorbachev.

Marty catches his reflection in the shop window.

MARTY
Aww, man. No wonder she ran away.

The same thing goes for this scene I think. Marty's last line is a perfect way to end the scene imo, it actually tells us a lot about him. I don't think Mikey's closing remark is needed at all cos' it sort of tells the audience exactly what they are already feeling. Loved the Gorbachev line though.

I don't want to comment on the characters yet - I wanna finish the script first but I will say that you pretty much achieved setting up both Marty and Mikey (Sofia and Ma too but to a lesser extent).

Great scene with Raven. Period. I like how you kept the vampire jokes coming - especially the one about how fast Sofia changes her clothes.

Great description of Mikey's dance - that made me laugh out loud.

I will get back to you with my final thoughts on the script once I've finished it, which should be sometime tomorrow...but (and this is just me thinking out loud) I'm guessing Zoe and Marty hits it off - Marty falls in love with Zoe - Marty screws it up near the end - Marty fixes it in the end. That would be the standard romcom storyline, looking forward to see what you've come up with

Cheers
Rob


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Shelton
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Hey Rob,

Thanks for checking out what you have so far.  Glad you're enjoying it.

It's funny you should bring up a couple of the things you did, because they were ones that I thought about myself during the writing process, and actually some were added in subsequent pass throughs.  This seems to happen to me a lot.  I should start going with my gut instincts a little more.

Firstly, the beginning.  It was initially the scene with Mikey and Sofia in the restaurant, and we don't meet Marty until his entrance at Ma's house.  I had intended for this to be a dual protag script, but as I got further and further into it (and with some outside assistance) I realized it just wasn't going that way, so Marty took the forefront and I added in the scene at Pat's.

From there, I thought about cutting to Sofia's celebration, losing all the chit chat at the beginning, so what your comment is right in line with that.  At least I'm somewhat on the right track there.

Same goes for the scene with the woman.  It did actually end at marty's line at one point, but I felt the need to bring the chocolate up again.

Hopefully you'll enjoy the rest of it as well, and I look forward to your comments.  There are some differences in your prediction and what actually goes down, so hopefully you won't be let down by them.


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Quoted from Shelton
There are some differences in your prediction and what actually goes down, so hopefully you won't be let down by them.

Hmmm, interesting. Damn you, I'm not gonna get any sleep tonight cos now I have to finish it right away



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By the way, there's a thing I forgot to mention before...the title - "The Order of Things". While it's completely in line with the story it doesn't have that...oomph feel, like a title like "Pimp Juice" has, you know?

What about "Operation Marriage"?

I kid.


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Hey, Mike.

Just finished the second half of the script and, again, it was such an easy and speedy read.

Overall, I think the script is a good one. It's a cute story that delivers exactly what it set out to do. As a movie, it would be one of those that, when finished, you would leave the theater with a smile on your face and in a upbeat mood, like Four Weddings and a Funeral or Love Actually, actually. It's not deep or anything - and it's not supposed to, it's fun with a lot a witty dialogue and some hilarious scene that follows the standard RomCom pattern (though not the fashion as I predicted it to do). You could argue that there's not really anything new under the sun here - other than the Ma angle - but people (chicks) go see these movies regardless so I don't see this as a huge problem at all.

Character-wise, like I said earlier, I think you did a fine job establishing the brothers - they are different, not a lot but enough to set them apart (and since they're brothers you would expect them to be somewhat alike). Marty is the "loser" type that's been beaten down for the good part of his adult life while Mikey's seems more in control and with a healthier outlook on life. I like how you changed Marty (about halfway through the script) from being a slouching re-active character to a way more active protag. That's a character arc right there.

Sofia comes off a little weird in the first scene - the victory dance - but after that she sort of changes to somewhat of a prune imo. That's okay, though it doesn't make her very likable. It's who she is I guess and it also helps justify Mikey's actions towards the end. Ma...what can be said about Ma. Part of me wanted to see more of her cos' she's sorta the reason for the whole mess, while part of me gets that she's simply just this old school matriarch. She works, though she is a little one-dimensional.

Larry was both a joy and a pain. He serves almost like a comedic sidekick (and at that he's great) but part of me got a little fed up with him. I can't quite put my finger on what it exactly is about him them makes him a turn-off for me - he's just not doing it for me.

The second scene with Raven, where she and Larry turn up before the dinner is about to start, was friggin' hilarious - but was it really needed? I thought that, however great it was, that it was distracting from scene at hand, that it sort of clogged the scene unnecessarily. I mean, with Maria arriving a couple of minutes later there was certainly enough going on. I know you had to get Marty out of the house but I think you could have done it a different way. Maybe you could save these pages and use them earlier to build a bit more on Marty and Zoe's blossoming relationship - maybe prolong the scene at the diner. Just a thought.

The big resolve in the end was a bit sweet - just like they're suppose to be. I think that's why I'm not a big fan of the genre because it quickly gets really mushy, doesn't it? But it works and I understand why it's there. You also did a good job of tying everything up in the end for all the characters, though I thought the thing with Maria and Costa was maybe a bit over the top.

I still think the title lacks a little spark.

I'm no master at spotting typos but I think I found a couple:


Quoted from Top of Page 55

Marty is back at the table, but Zoe is nowhere in site.

Should be in sight, I think.


Quoted from Top of page 90

MARTY
Shes gotta at least bi, right?

Is there a be missing here?

Overall, a good and solid effort. Kudos.

Cheers
Rob


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Quoted from sniper
Hey, Mike.

Just finished the second half of the script and, again, it was such an easy and speedy read.


Hey, Rob, thanks for finishing it up.


Quoted from sniper
Overall, I think the script is a good one. It's a cute story that delivers exactly what it set out to do. As a movie, it would be one of those that, when finished, you would leave the theater with a smile on your face and in a upbeat mood, like Four Weddings and a Funeral or Love Actually, actually. It's not deep or anything - and it's not supposed to, it's fun with a lot a witty dialogue and some hilarious scene that follows the standard RomCom pattern (though not the fashion as I predicted it to do).


I'm glad to hear that.  In a sense, it's predictable, but I wanted just the slightest touch of something off the beaten path, and I'm glad I accomplished that. You could argue that there's not really anything new under the sun here - other than the Ma angle - but people (chicks) go see these movies regardless so I don't see this as a huge problem at all.


Quoted from sniper
Character-wise, like I said earlier, I think you did a fine job establishing the brothers - they are different, not a lot but enough to set them apart (and since they're brothers you would expect them to be somewhat alike). Marty is the "loser" type that's been beaten down for the good part of his adult life while Mikey's seems more in control and with a healthier outlook on life. I like how you changed Marty (about halfway through the script) from being a slouching re-active character to a way more active protag. That's a character arc right there.


Yeah, with Marty, I tried to paint him as someone that's just not comfortable talking to women.  He's not good at it, and has little success, but with Zoe, it's different.  He's more like himself around her, and that's where the main connection lies.


Quoted from sniper
Sofia comes off a little weird in the first scene - the victory dance - but after that she sort of changes to somewhat of a prune imo. That's okay, though it doesn't make her very likable. It's who she is I guess and it also helps justify Mikey's actions towards the end. Ma...what can be said about Ma. Part of me wanted to see more of her cos' she's sorta the reason for the whole mess, while part of me gets that she's simply just this old school matriarch. She works, though she is a little one-dimensional.


Sofia and Ma were a little tough.  I wanted Sofia to come off as someone who REALLY wants to get married, hence the celebration, but ultimately not too likeable because of what we eventually learn.  Make her antsy and desperate for plausibility.

I would have liked to have used Ma just a little bit more, but nowhere really stuck out as a good place to insert her.  Plus her dialogue was kind of a pain in the ass to write.


Quoted from sniper
Larry was both a joy and a pain. He serves almost like a comedic sidekick (and at that he's great) but part of me got a little fed up with him. I can't quite put my finger on what it exactly is about him them makes him a turn-off for me - he's just not doing it for me.


Hmm, not sure here.  If he made you kind of annoyed, I might have succeeded...haha.


Quoted from Sniper
The second scene with Raven, where she and Larry turn up before the dinner is about to start, was friggin' hilarious - but was it really needed? I thought that, however great it was, that it was distracting from scene at hand, that it sort of clogged the scene unnecessarily. I mean, with Maria arriving a couple of minutes later there was certainly enough going on. I know you had to get Marty out of the house but I think you could have done it a different way. Maybe you could save these pages and use them earlier to build a bit more on Marty and Zoe's blossoming relationship - maybe prolong the scene at the diner. Just a thought.


Marty definitely has to get out of the house for everything to work out the way it does, and I thought bringing Raven back was a better touch than having him just go to the store or some other generic reason.  Raven was originally supposed to appear in the scene in her apartment and that was it, but as I got further into the process I found a use for her and went with it because I thought the character was strong enough to carry it.  Not a bad suggestion about Marty and Zoe.  I was afraid people would have trouble buying in to things based on their minimal contact.


Quoted from Sniper
The big resolve in the end was a bit sweet - just like they're suppose to be. I think that's why I'm not a big fan of the genre because it quickly gets really mushy, doesn't it?  But it works and I understand why it's there.


Yeah, this is just a staple of the genre, but more often than not I see stuff like that at the very end.  I tried to do mine a little earlier, then add the scenes at the park and the club to squeeze just a little more comedy in before the end.


Quoted from sniper
You also did a good job of tying everything up in the end for all the characters, though I thought the thing with Maria and Costa was maybe a bit over the top.


Tying it together was a huge benefit to having so few characters.  Definitely made it easy.  The thing with Costa and Maria, do you mean the scenario itself, or just the way things went down?  I'm thinking the latter since she should "get hers", but maybe getting bit in the cooter is a bit much.


Quoted from sniper
I still think the title lacks a little spark.


I'll think on it.  Long, long ago, when I first conceived the idea, I was going to call it "Making Marty Married", but ended up not caring for it.

Thanks for calling out the typos/missing words, and thanks again for reading.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Mike


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Quoted from Shelton
The thing with Costa and Maria, do you mean the scenario itself, or just the way things went down?  I'm thinking the latter since she should "get hers", but maybe getting bit in the cooter is a bit much.

Maria should definitely be put in her place, no doubt about it, I just think that "Costa going DOWN TOWN" was maybe moving the story a bit off the reservation. That would have worked for an American Pie type flick but it doesn't really go hand in hand with the general tone of this script.


Quoted from Shelton
Long, long ago, when I first conceived the idea, I was going to call it "Making Marty Married", but ended up not caring for it.

And I can totally see why  


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Posted: January 31st, 2009, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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So I usually read a script over breakfast on Sunday morning and picked this because I thought it would be an easy and quick read, not that romcom's are my kind of thing at all, ever, but they to tend to be nice and light in a Sunday morning kind of way.

I must admit that at first this was a little more hard going that I thought it would be an am sure that was down to the character names. Mikey and Marty? Very similar names when written down and during the first act when we are still establishing their characters and personality I was having to keep stopping reading to remember which one was which. Of course in the movie it would not matter at all, we obviously see the actors. But I don't know, it seems to be a bit of a schoolboy error and I would not have expected that from you dude. Could you not have called them Mikey and Chris or something? It might just be me and not terribly important, the further on the script got the less it bothered me.

Was it weird having a major character with your name? Did you picture yourself when writing him?

My impressions while reading it was that the first act was not that strong, but to be honest for the life of me I cannot put my finger on why. Character names as above was something to do with it but I think it was just the whole set-up and trying to believe in it all I guess. But then I read what Rob said "you really gonna have to WANT to buy it for the setup to work." Perfectly put, the people who love watching these movies seem pretty much willing to buy into anything as long as it delivers what they are looking for.

My best mate's wife loves romcoms, she can't seem to get enough of them. I take the piss sometimes and she thinks I am just a movie snob I think but I do try and find out what she loves about them so much. And it is just that, she doesn't care that she already knows what is going to happen, that they follow a pretty strict and overused formula, because that is what she wants and she seem happy to believe in almost anything as long as it gives her her fix of a happy ending and a few tears of joy at the end.

Anyway, the second act for me picked up the game and once I was comfortable in the set-up it just got better and better. Mikey and Marty did become real people and I did start to sympathise with Marty. You managed to keep surprising me with this script, as soon as they went to see Larry I just assumed that I was in for 60 pages of bad dates, montaqes and funny games as marty dated every girl on the books. That never happened and I was impressed, it was great using the dating agency and yet not relying on it to hold the rest of the plot up. Larry was a great character and yet perfectly under-used, i would not have wanted to see anymore of him than we did.

A quick word on structure. This script was perfectly paced and structured, we got the inciting incident in the first ten pages (ma's rules were delivered) so we knew early what the film is about. In a 100 page script we really should be looking at the protaganist making a decision that sets the second act events into motion at around page 25 or thereabouts. You had Marty making a conscious decision to help Mikey out on page 25. End of the second act should usually end with the protag seemingly losing everything and then spend act3 winning it all back. You did that in spades and by page 80 we had Mikey having lost everything. I know that not everybody buys into the whole structure thing, you may not yourself. But this stuff is not rocket science it is just natural storytelling. There are some genres that really have to follow a structure like this to work and romcom is probably top of the list. You may not even have thought about it and it just comes natural, exposure to similar films helps form that structure anyway. Would be interesting to know how much you paid attention to it when outlining the scrit?

But after all that this is where we come to my biggest problem with this script, the place that I think you have veered of course and forgot you were writing a romcom. There is no doubt that Marty should be the one who wins Zoe back. Not his mom, not Sophia and certainly not off-screen either. I think it was probably a bit of a cop out to be honest and to go back to my friend it is certainly not what she has sat through the last 90 minutes to see. Marty is the one who lost everything at the end of act 2 and Marty is the one who should win it back. I know that you had him on his knees with the song and everything but that was not enough really. I think you started the third act about 5 pages too late and certainly need a bit more time to write a convincing ending that delivers what its core audience are there to see. The chase through the streets, the I love you's across the crowded train platform Croc Dundee style or even the dangerous climb up the fire escape on the side of her apartment building.

Knowing you I think you did that on purpose, that little nod to the fire escape before going the easy way up the stairs. That would have been funny if this has been a parody of a romcom, but actually this is once of those movies and your core audience do want him to climb up there and win her back.

Of course this is just my thoughts, you may well not agree but just writing it as I see it, rightly or wrongly.

I loved Raven, what a great character, she is nearly the star of the movie. Again, not the first time that a romcom has used a seconary character to such good effect. In these roles the actor usually ends up stealing the show. Think about Russell Brand in 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall', I think Raven is one of those characters. I think you nailed it with the number of scenes she appears and loved her appearance at the end. When I read that I thought it was genius, I honestly mean it. It was a sign to me that you really knew what you were doing, I was most impressed. I kind of agree with Sniper about her showing up at Ma's house, but I do think that she had to make that second appearance somewhere before the end and that seemed as likely as anywhere. Although maybe she could have been in the nightclub where we saw Larry instead? dunno.

Anyway, although I am not a big fan of romcoms I do fancy writing one and have a few ideas running around in my head. I think it is a great genre to write in if you want to sell scripts, they are almost guaranteed to make $60-$90m at the box office, have a huge and loyal audience and in today's economic climate the studio's are going to want more. I am not surprised to see you writing in this genre, you are a funny guy and you write some good funny dialogue. I did laugh a few times reading this. Like I said my only real problem is the end, I really don't think it works as well as it should but would be very interested in hearing more opinions about this because I am hardly as expert or anything and may have it wrong.

Great job here Mike, really mean it. Well done.


* Jesus, can't believe I wrote so much about a romcom - sorry!


EDIT: Sorry, had a thought on the title. What about something like "Rule number 1" Ma could call it her number one rule and then at the end when they are leaving for the honeymoon Marty says something like "Ma, you never told us what Rule number 2 is?" then she tells him about the baby thing. Great way to end but then of course you are set for sequel - 'Rule number 2'. Now you are selling a franchise!!

Again, just a thought.

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Shelton  -  January 31st, 2009, 11:21pm
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Wow,  That's certainly a lot to take in.  Thanks for all the feedback.  I won't quote things cause there's a lot of stuff covered, but my response will defintely clue you in as to what I'm talking about.

First off, I'm glad you enjoyed it.  This is actually the 3rd rom-com that I've written counting Disparity of Devotion and The Hero of Her Heart (it's raunchy, but still a rom-com at its essence) and I really do enjoy writing them.  I think dialogue plays a big part in scripts like this and it's definitely suited to my style.  I'll also admit to watching quite a few.  There's just something about watching a rom-com and following it up with a 70's sexploitation flick that I find fascinating.

The names.  Yes, this occurred to me as I was writing, and I even gave thought to Ma and Maria being added in there.  4 M names.  I thought it was insane, but when it was all said and done, I didn't notice any flubs or name switches anywhere, so I figured if it could be written, it could be read.

Mikey's name didn't bother me at all.  Outside of one of my friend's family members, nobody calls me that.

I think ultimately the pacing just worked out.  It's not something that I stress on too much, but have found that I hit the end of the first act in pretty good fashion most of the time.  Third act is usually pretty good too since I ultimately know how I want to end things.  It's just the second act that gets me, and is probably why it's just a tad too long.

The thing with the scene near the end, is that it not only has to get Marty and Zoe back together, it also has to get Mikey and Sofia back together.  She's got to do something to amend for her error, and that seemed like the best way to go about it in my mind.  There were times that I toyed with them not getting back together at all, but thought it was too much of a downer and would have left people even more disappointed.

The fire escape scene was definitely done on purpose.  Marty's kinda lazy in the grand scheme of things, and the set up was there earlier on with the "Pretty Woman" refusal.

Raven is actually kind of funny.  She was only supposed to appear in the scene at her apartment, but she kind of evolved as I found other ways the she could legitimately be used.  Mainly, to get Marty out of the house, and eventually serve as a bridesmaid.  I'm just glad she's been getting good feedback, since it was an easy, yet fun character to write.

I agree that rom-coms are huge bank at the box office lately, and could see this doing quite well myself.  Another selling point is that the protags are male.  Could make husbands and boyfriends less reluctant to see it...haha.

Your title suggestion makes sense.  I remembered as I typed fade out thinking "damn, there could be a sequel to this.  Cue Marty's visit to Larry's new office, the fertility clinic".  Okay, I need to stop now.

Thanks again for reading.  Much appreciated.


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Hey Shelton,

What's up man. Rom-coms usually aren't my thing, but I really enjoyed 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall', and I haven't read anything of yours in a while, so I decided to check this out.

Below are my comments I've made whilst reading (with a break to watch American Idol haha):

Page 2 - Marty's dialogue; "And for that, youre a good friend and fantastic bartender." - I think you need "a" before "fantastic bartender".

The scene in the restaurant made me chuckle. A very well written scene - You subverted my expectations, so congrats.

BAM! There ya' go - I was thinking to myself, "You know what I think would work well? If Marty and Mikey were somehow related." I shudda' know you were on step ahead and had already thought of that I really liked the scene with Ma as well. A good introduction of another character. And I like how Ma really contradicts what Marty said about her being a laid back type of women.

Page 15 - "Fine! And I take back all those nice things I said about you to Pat! Youre not cool!" Excellent piece of dialogue, my friend.

Page 18 - I didn't really like Marty's rant at the top of the page... It felt a bit un-natural. Sure, it provided some decent info into his back-story, and it might even sound alright once transferred onto screen, but for me, it didn't read too well.

Page 22 - Didn't like Sofia's line; "And its going to be fun, damnit, fun!" - I think the "damnit, fun" part was too much...

Page 27 - "What idea? I dont one!" - I think you're missing the word "have"?

Page 27 - Mikey's dialogue - "Fine. Just wing it. Her." - sounds a bit awkward.

Page 31 - This action line; "Larry isnt what you would call attractive, and the picture looking like it caught Larry by surprise when it was taken makes it clearer." would, in my opinion sound better as; "Larry isnt what you would call attractive, and the picture, looking as if it caught him by surprise when it was taken, highlights this."

Page 36 - You say Mikey stands at Raven's apartment... I'm guessing you mean Marty?

Page 44 - I think Marty's line;"All that stuff I told you about feeling like a nothing?" would sound better if he said "feeling like a no-body".

Page 45 - Haha, Mikey's dancing/ the whole club scene reminds me of the fantastic scene in 'Knocked Up', where Ben Stone's (Rogen) friends watch him dancing, awkwardly with a girl he meets.

Page 49 - "Marty thinks it over for briefly." - Should be "Marty thinks it over briefly."

Page 64 - Zoe's line - "Its just, I get ditched all the time, so Ive pretty much come to expect it anymore." sounds weird... The "expect it anymore" part.

Page 84 - This slug line needs a "-" between the location, and time frame : "INT. ZOES APARTMENT DAY"

Page 93 - "Mary eases his hand out. All eyes are on it." - I think you mean Marty mate... unless you suddenly made another character who's name starts with "M"

Okay, finished it, and really enjoyed it. You are definitely a talented writer; dialogue felt natural, and flowed well, descriptions were effective, concise and well written, and as noted above, your structure was spot on. Characters were well rounded, and developed, and they were all very different to each other (bar similarity of names, which I didn't have a problem with to be honest). I loved the way you introduced the characters as well. You did it in a very professional way, and you immediately showed us what type of people these were.

I didn't really have many complaints about the script as a whole. Sure, rom-coms aren't my favourite genre, but for what this was, it was very entertaining. It was a good read, and was genuinely funny. Plus, making the protag male meant this appealed to me more than the typical rom-com.

The only part of the script I didn't really like was like the final 5 or 6 pages... As noted above, I didn't like the way that Sofia and Ma fixed things. Okay, it worked in the story, and resolved the problem, but in my opinion, it made the outcome a little less satisfying.

Also, I didn't like the "One Year Later" scene... Well, I lie- I didn't mind the scene, but the dialogue in it was just too on-the-nose. I'm well aware that the dialogue has to be pretty on-the-nose, as you need to tell us a bunch of info that we haven't seen, but still, I think it was a bit too much. It might work well on screen, but I just didn't really enjoy reading it.

Also, I agree with what Sniper said (about the get in late, leave early thing - I thought the exact same thing when I read the first bar scene), and what GM said about the very last scene, with Ma phoning up the couples.

But overall, this was a very enjoyable script. I'm surprised I enjoyed it as much as I did... I was expecting a typical rom-com. Glad you didn't go down that street, and kept the cheesy-ness to a minimum.

Take it easy man, Toby


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Shelton
Posted: February 3rd, 2009, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Toby,

Thanks for checking it out and pointing out some of the dropped words.  Those are alwasy a pain because spellcheck won't catch them.

Some of the dialogue parts you mentioned can seem a little weird on the page, but when spoken they sound a little more natural.

The issue with Marty fixing things makes sense, but I had to include something in there that gets Mikey and Sofia back together as well.  Sure, I could have made it an entirely separate scene, but I thought that something like that would have been a bit too basic, if not boring.

I could have had Marty make his charge up the fire escape, but ultimately Ma and Sofia would have still been there.  There's humor in that, but the end result is still the same as long as they're there to "help".

I'll take a look at the ending again.  I'm sure some stuff is pretty expository and just needs some adjusting.

Anyway, I'm glad you liked it on the whole, and thanks again for reading.


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Cam17
Posted: February 6th, 2009, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Mike,

I really enjoyed this one, and I breezed through it easily in one sitting.  It delivers all the goods you want in a date movie.  Girls will love all the romance, guys will really be able to identify with either Mikey or Marty.  I also liked how Ma had no first name.  Just Ma.

The title seemed a little abstract to me.  It made sense, but "The Order of Things" reminds me of a sci-fi or some Merchant-Ivory production.  I can't think of a better title off the top of my head, however.

The revelation with Maria threw me off a little.  Was she really going to marry Marty?  Unless Sofia was offering her massive amounts of cash, I have a hard time believing even a gold digger like her would go through with it.  And then if they did get married, the inevitable quickie divorce would crush Marty, and Sofia just seemed like a character who was above scheming like that.

The only other thing I could critique would be that scene at the end when they are all in the car and listen to Maria scream.  Just didn't buy that one.  It was a pretty bizarro scene for a film like this to have a vampire dude going downtown on a girl and the four of these people laughing at her pain.  I agree Maria needed some serious come-uppance, but that was an odd little set-up for Ma's call.

A couple typos I spotted:

On page 45:
"Mikey turns back toward the bar, a Bloody Mary now placed in front of him."

I believe it's Marty who turns back to the bar.

On page 50:
Marty thinks it over for briefly. Eureka!

I think you left the "for" in there accidentally.

Overall, this a very funny, polished script.  Great job.

Cam


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Shelton
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Hey Cam,

Thanks for checking it out.  I'm glad you enjoyed it and it was a quick read for you.  It was definitely my intention to have a finished product that could justfiiably be enjoyed by both men and women, and I think I did a pretty well in accomplishing that.  Especially since all the reviews on SS so far have been by men.  

The title is a little flat, I'll agree, but I'm yet to come up with anything that I like better yet.  I figure it serves its purpose for now, and can be changed down the line.

The Maria thing is a little tricky, whereas she was going to do it, granted for a specific amount of money, but it's never known how much.  I figured if I threw out a hard number, it would be called either too low or too high.  Sofia's role in all of it is that she's desperate, plain and simple.  Marty discovered that he could actually buy a wife on the internet, but wanted to try and get someone to like him for who he is first.  Sofia kind of takes that idea and uses it to her advantage, trying to keep it secret so nobody's feelings get hurt.  The script doesn't go into it as much as I have here, so I should probably look into adding that in.

The revenge on Maria is a little out of its element here, as others have commented on it.  That's an easy change to make though.

Toby caught the typos as well.  I need to update the copy on my website.

Thanks again for checking it out.


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Shelton
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Hey Pia,

Thanks for finishing it up, and for your notes in the early stages.  It helped me fix up the beginning to where it is now.

Glad you found things enjoyable, even if they are a little formulaic.  It's always hard with these kinds of scripts because ultimately, you're working off the boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back scenario, and it's tough to make that fresh.

As far as how Marty and Zoe end up getting back together, I've done a little thinking about it and have come up with a way to fix it, while still using the key elements that get Mikey and Sofia back together as well.  It's just a matter of shuffling, really, but I think it will work.

And thanks for liking the scen with Costa.  All the other comments have been that it's kind of out of place.  I can't disagree with it, given the nature of the script, but I still think it's a funny comeuppance, while remaining PG-13.

Thanks again for reading.


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