Good luck Stevie.

I have to read this script some time. Granted I'm not Carson but still...

Gabe

Stevie,

So I finally got around to reading this! Apologies for the delay it took, college has been busy these past few weeks.

I liked the story here, as I am a fan of zany comedies. I also thought that the set-up was brilliant.

Now, one of the main issues I had with the script was the comedy. I liked the comedy in the script, but there needed to be more! You want to get the reader laughing on the first page, and if not, definitely by the second. But with your script, the first 5 pages were mainly set up. There were quite a few other scenes throughout which didn't feature much humour. Which is a cardinal sin for a comedy I'm also not a fan of farting/ toilet humour, which you used throughout. But that's just me.

Another issue I had with the script, was with how it was structured. Act 1 was great, with the brilliant set-up, as previously mentioned. You introduce Brent and Jason as the protagonists. However, act 2 became muddled, with the focus shifting towards Steakhouse's story more, and Brent and Jason become supporting characters. I’d maybe suggest directing the focus back towards Brent and Jason more in the second act. In the first act, they were introduced as our protags, but are playing more of a backseat role in the second act. This was a little jarring for me, this change in focus.

I also found the whole zombie aspect of the script very underdeveloped. I'm guessing this was something added in a rewrite?

The length was also an issue. 115 pages is looooooong for a comedy man! I've been told that I need to get Eric Boyle down to around the 95 page mark, as most producers do not want a comedy which is longer. I'd suggest maybe doing the same here. I think by tightening up act 2, you could easily chop off 5-10 pages.


Below are some notes I made whilst I was reading:

Page 3- DQ: “Hey, you give me an Magnum...” An magnum?

Page 8- Personally, I’m not a fan of farting humour in films. But that’s just me.

Ok, very decent set-up with the story. Kudos on that man.

Page 11- Slick: “Let me guess...you're not really a black man?” I really didn’t like this line, man.

Nice, and now a ticking clock/ time-limit thrown into the mix. As I said before, very decent set-up.

The transsexual part made me chuckle. But that’s my main criticism of the script so far: for a comedy, there hasn’t been too much humour.

Now, I the Matt Damon part did make me smile, and I could be wrong, but it just seemed too random, and it slowed down the pace of the story too much for me.

Ah, page 22, some more fart/ toilet humour.

Page 26- Jason: “Exactly. Let's went.” ‘Let’s went’ is an odd phrase; I’ve never actually heard that before...?

I don’t really like the Pop character too much at all.

Page 31- Biker: “Man, i just love that Russell”... “I” needs a capital.

I personally thought that the bar scene went on too long man. The Arnie part did make me chuckle; I’d just suggest cutting it down from the 7 pages it currently is, so about 3, 4 max. Because then there is the montage, and then we’re in the bar for another 5 pages.

And also, what is a “killer roo”? Another character said that, but I was unsure as to what they meant

I’ve heard it three times so far that Brent and Jason are going to Vegas for their Dad’s fiftieth; maybe cut down them telling this to everyone they meet? The first time was good, as it was a good bit of exposition, but now it’s just taking up unnecessary space.

In fact, I would maybe have when Brent and Jason invite Pop and Andrea along with them occur earlier, as this seems to be a logical end of act 1, as they now really want to commit to getting to Vegas, as to not let Andrea down.

Ah, and another fart joke on page 39.

I think it would be cool if DQ and Antonio actually interacted with Brent and Jason in the bar.

Page 42- Pepita: “I'm a maid. Comes with the job.” I don’t really understand this line, man. How would getting frisky come with being a maid?

Page 47- Yet another poo/ fart joke! And another one on page 48! I would look to cut these down, man. I’m groaning at them by this point.

Page 56- DQ: “Aw, man, you gotta shitting me”... should be “gotta be”?

Page 63- I thought Pepita bursting into tears was a bit sudden/ unrealistic for the character you have portrayed.

The whole Jimmy and Reynolds scene was unnecessary in my opinion, as it is merely repeating information which we have just seen.

Nice Deliverance reference on 69.

And what does “seemed sus” mean mate? Lots of characters have been saying that, but it’s just going over my head.

Page 79- Why didn’t they just keep the jewels, but put the empty briefcase on the bus?

Page 81- Character A vomiting on character B is overdone, and pretty clichéd in my opinion, bro.

Page 83- Paul: “Our manger left us in Tucson.” Should be “our manager”.

I don’t really like these Beatles impersonators much. They’re not really adding anything to the story: not much in the way of humour, or conflict. By cutting them out, you could trim out about 3-4 pages from your script.

Page 84- I don’t understand how the platform broke?

Page 98- John: “Named after the famous prime minister, John Churchill.” Do you mean Winston Churchill? Is that ain intentional mistake?


But yeah, as I said, I really liked the story here man. If you tighten up the second act, directing the focus back to Brent and Jason, up the laugh-count, and drop the page count a bit, you will have a very nice little script here indeed.

All the best mate.

Toby.

Yo Tobester!

Thanks for the read mate. Glad you dug it...well, most of it, lol.

Not sure if you read any of the other thread pages but here's a brief history of HL : back in late 2009, we had an informal 6 week challenge to write a feature. I think there was 5 or 6 that had a crack at it. The theme was Christmas, but I was 'allowed' to use this general theme as I didn't want the weather affecting the story...lol.  So, I started writing HL, partially based on my experiences on a 3 month road trip in 1997 ( I used Arizona as I had driven on the roads used in the script). It was originally an action story with violence and humour ala Beverly Hills Cop. But after 20 pages, I didn't feel comfortable mixing the two, so I made it a comedy, and deliberately without using violence or swearing as an extra challenge.

So I finished the first version in about 5 weeks. It had extra characters - two young Titanic fans, Pops best friend - and came out pretty well. Had some good feedback, some loved it, some said it was ok.

About 2 years later I went back to it and intro'ed the zombie char, Ray. Just had this wacky idea of throwing in this odd person. Re-writing it was a real pain as I did it the hard way - cut and pasting new stuff in when it woulda been easier to rewrite the whole damn thing. That's why Ray isn't hardly mentioned in some bits as I just left them as they were in the first version.

Anyway, I finished it and was pretty happy with the new version.

I was a little surprised you found some parts not that funny as usually you Irish/English guys have that nice grasp of comedy, much like us Aussies; sometimes our US buddies have funny stuff go way over their head but each to his own, I guess.

The dreaded fart jokes! Yeah, I prolly did go overboard with them. They're always an easy line in a pinch but can get tiresome

Sorry if I'm not answering your points in any order, but I never could work out how to do the quote thing for each topic. So I'm sort of skimming a bit. It's unreal though how you found a couple of typos! Damn, I woulda been over this script about 20 times over the years and I still missed a couple, lol

One day I may go back to this script and do something new with it. Prolly won't though as I don't like looking backwards and would rather work on a new project. If someone read it and liked it enough to film it, well, hey, fucking joy!

Thanks again for the read, man! I hope the tone of it may help with your Eric Boyle script - that's why I suggested you read HL and see if it helps choose the specific audience you wanna write for, and then you can work out the levels of violence, etc.

Cheers mate   stevie

Quoted from stevie I was a little surprised you found some parts not that funny as usually you Irish/English guys have that nice grasp of comedy, much like us Aussies; sometimes our US buddies have funny stuff go way over their head...

  Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?