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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Headlong (7WC) Moderators: bert
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stevie
Posted: January 5th, 2010, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Rob! Thanks for the read and review. I'm sorry you didn't like it as much as I thought you might! I honestly thought you'd dig it, as you liked some of my other funny stuff.
But I see whereby people have pointed out the weaker parts of the script, and I appreciate the feedback and help.
As I've said earlier, a lot of the second half of the script was cranked up to rasie the wacky factor. The problem is I didin't change the first half enough to accomodate that.
Some of the plot lines suffer from this, notably the tracking device idea. Originally, the crooks take an identical RV so they can swap it unseen for the boy's campervan - Slick doesn't want to cause undue attention. The RV's had tracking devices in them(from the sales clek to stop stealing). There was no device in the money, I changed that later cos there was logistic probs - I had to keep the crooks from catching up too quickly.
The device in the briefcase was put in at the last minute but I didn't really configure it well enough.
I have some ideas for the re-write - I'll give the brothers more distinct personalities. Maybe Jason will be a stoner who's irrestible to chicks. I will ditch Henry as suggested by everyone! I'm keen to keep Andrea but she will be tougher, and Pop can still be good value(though minus the quotes)
A few people have commented negatively on Jack and Rose but I feel they bring some good humour to the script, and I'm quite fond of them. The Matt Damon thing(was originally Gerge Clooney), sure, its nothing for the story but, well, you know how it is.
Jeff said I need to make the opening scenes as zany as the rest of it, to set the tone. I think this has been a prob, so when I can fix it, things will be more clearer. It seems some people are possibly looking at this overall too seriously - its meant to almost a parody of road trip movies - I never look for too much substance in it, only in comedic terms.
Thanks agaiin, Rob. Cheers buddy.



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sniper
Posted: January 5th, 2010, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi Rob! Thanks for the read and review. I'm sorry you didn't like it as much as I thought you might! I honestly thought you'd dig it, as you liked some of my other funny stuff.

Stevie, I love your crazy comedies - but as shorts. For a feature it needs more meat - preferably love handles (but that's just me).

Btw. why aren't there any Crocodile Dundee jokes in there?


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load

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sniper  -  January 5th, 2010, 7:18pm
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greg
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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Hi Stevie,

Like the main story, this one was kind of a road trip to me because, even though I got from A to B, there were some potholes along the way - some bigger than others.

Let me start by saying it was a fun script for the most part.  There were some real LOLZ moments and some creative character quirks along with a blend of action/comedy/gross-out weirdness.  However, my main problem with the story is that it took a long while for it to really get going.  I felt that the real LOL moments were few and far between in the first half before it finally took off and I found myself enjoying it more.  The initial setup comes real quick but the real comedy does not.  When Brent and Jason are on the road and they encounter Taylor, I lol'd pretty good.  But it was a good while before I felt like lolling again.

Another problem with the first half is that along with the laughs coming at a sluggish pace, alllll these characters were introduced and it just kind of gives a headache after a while because so many of their development was thin.  A plus, however, is that I found it easy to follow them.  All of them actually.  Which doesn't happen with me very often when there's a lot of characters involved.  I felt everyone had their own little quirks and once I got to know them a bit they were easy to follow - but that's just it.  That's all I knew about them.  There's no real back story about these characters, especially our two main characters in Brent and Jason.  I would have liked to know more about them and just know who they are and what they're about.

A film that this reminds me of is Rat Race or It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.  Lots of characters, but you knew who these people were.  I think for this story to work there needs to be more development of the characters that you choose to keep(should you choose to keep them all).  Henry I think can go.  He didn't really serve much purpose.  Like at all.  The bad guys could use some more differentiation.  Ray and Antonio were too similar to me.  The way I was actually able to differentiate them was when Antonio had to take a shit.  And then Ray fell down the hill - twice.  It looks like some people had problems with the others but IMO I liked them however there DOES need to be more development.  Get Andrea to get interested in one of the brothers.  

When the script got going in the second half it was more enjoyable.  You brought a lot of slapstick, screwball, and off-the-wall humor to the table and it blended well.  You just need to bring it in earlier.  The goofy characters, the bizarre accidents, and crazy quirks.  These need to start sooner.  I liked the Matt Damon look-alike.  I liked Jack and Rose.  I lol'd a lot when Ray fell off the cliff for the second time and said "shit, not again." Good stuff, but the wackiness just needs to start sooner.

The ending when Reynolds discovered Taylor's "secret" was brilliantly executed.  I kept waiting and anticipated it and you really delivered.  Now that's how you end a story my friend.  Kind of reminded me of the Some Like it Hot ending when Jack Lemmon reveals he's a guy and the rich dude who's courting him responds with "No one's perfect."  Well done on that.

So overall the first half was frustrating.  The second half saw a lot more lolz and everything flowed nicely.  My main advice to you is to get the slapstick going early and develop these people some more.  And you have to have Pops saying "smile you ugly son of a bitch" at some point.  For 7 weeks I am very impressed.  I think with a rewrite you'll have a fine comedy nugget on your hands.  Nicely done.  If you have any questions or if anything wasn't clear, please let me know!

-Greg


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stevie
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 5:26am Report to Moderator
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Hi Greg. Thanks for the read and insightful comments. This is the first time we've 'spoken' so...gidday!
As stated before, i need to make the opening scenes of the same wackiness. It still harks back to how I originally planned the story to go.
Mate, that is unreal what you said about Some Like it Hot! That was exactly the effect I was after! All during the writing, I knew the final line would be Pop's. Joe E Brown says the classic line in the MM film.
Ironic there, too, cos I'm a Marilyn fan! Not as fanatical as my Beatle worship but I've visited her grave and read all the books about her( and yes, I do belive RFK had her murdered...)

I'm glad you liked Jack and Rose - so did i! And I was fond of the Matt Damon thing. I was aiming for the crazy type of movies you mentioned, andwell, these guests pop up in those type of flicks.
I have some ideas for the brother's characters to be more interesting, and Andrea will become a thorn between them. Antonio and Ray are too similiar but I don't want to really cut one - I'lll have to think of a colorful trait for each to have.
I'm thinking of cutting the Lucas/crime boss thing anyway, and making the three small time guys. But Slick still thinks he's a big fish so his chase can still be entertaining.
i'mm pretty sure you read all the challnege scripts, Greg? Mate, great effort! Cheers again.

Ps - Love SD, stayed there one night in the RV, on Mission Bay(there's a photo a few posts up). Went to Sea World before heading off to Arizona.



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Andrew
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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Hello mate, hope you're well.

Awesome pics of the camper - I want to do that very same drive.

Looking forward to reading your script.

Andrew


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stevie
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 5:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey Andrew! Good to hear from you. I see you're partying hard in Singapore!
Are you heading to Oz?

Yeah, that was an awesome trip.The US road trip was only the beginning. We flew to London after that and bummed around Scotland and Europe. Aah sweet memories...



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Andrew
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 6:10am Report to Moderator
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Well, I'm interviewing for a production company in the next couple of weeks here, and if I get it, then I'll live and work here in Sg - if not, I shall be headed to Oz in February for a year.

Those travels sound pretty damn awesome, mate. Part of me wants drive up that east coast of yours, just for the end of summer, so I'll let fate play its part.

Andrew


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was fun...According to some scholars and theory geeks, that chord is a Fadd9...

A nice homage to road classics like Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit and It's A Mad, Mad World, only with your own set of colorful oddballs to populate this wacky adventure...

Brent and Jason are the straight men (somewhat literally) with the only character trait being the fact that they are Austrailian, contrasting that with the Four Hotdog chompin' Steakhouse, the delightful Pepita, the monster obsessed Henry and the Jaws man, Pops...Might have liked to see something more specific about Andrea, too...Maybe a love interest for Brent or Jason- as it is, she is just a vehicle to get Henry and Pops into the R.V.

Liked adding the Beatles...It's your script-why the hell not? Let the imagination run rampant, like Slick trying to escape the falling observation deck...Also liked the running gag about the monsterous kangaroos...

I think some of the dialogue could be trimmed, doing more with gestures and expressions.

Confusing in some areas, juggling all these different characters, especially towards the end at Lucas's house. Suspected for a minute that Adam was Lucas, but nope...

The Deliverance flavored scene at the bottom of the canyon was funny...If you could incorporate Slick into that scenario instead of the two innocent guys, that might be a better payoff.

The common link between Henry (Vampire Line) then Pops (Jaws Line) got a little monotonous...they shouldn't always follow each other, especially if Henry acts on his convictions that he really is fighting vampires...(reminded me somewhat of Teddy Roosevelt in Arsenic & Old Lace, another classic in that regard...)

Some of the terminology is still British, but that easy enough to fix...We don't say "arse", we say A S S , and a few other things like that.

Nothing to do with Christmas, really, but that's alright...It was a fun ride and got some laughs. Thanks for posting it, and good job meeting the deadline of the challenge.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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greg
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi Greg. Thanks for the read and insightful comments. This is the first time we've 'spoken' so...gidday!


Indeed, good day!  It's a pleasure to "meet" you!


Quoted from stevie

Antonio and Ray are too similiar but I don't want to really cut one - I'lll have to think of a colorful trait for each to have.
I'm thinking of cutting the Lucas/crime boss thing anyway, and making the three small time guys. But Slick still thinks he's a big fish so his chase can still be entertaining.


Indeed, cutting Antonio or Ray is hard to do because, well, a team of three is better, especially in a script with so many people.  I think cutting Lucas is the way to go at this point because, really, his part is minuscule.  Maybe have Slick be the big Mob Boss guy who does things his own way, hence he goes on the road to get this money.  And at the end, have Lucas' house be Slick's house so you can still have that whole scene there.  Just a thought.



Quoted from stevie
i'mm pretty sure you read all the challnege scripts, Greg? Mate, great effort! Cheers again.


Aye, I've got one more script to read and, aside from Pia's, these are all first time reads for me from the authors(I've been away from the site for a while).  It's quite interesting to see how everyone interpreted the theme and get a taste for everyone's styles.  Lots of good stuff here.



Quoted from stevie
Ps - Love SD, stayed there one night in the RV, on Mission Bay(there's a photo a few posts up). Went to Sea World before heading off to Arizona.


Haha I go by that spot practically every day.  Yeah, SD is great.  Comfortable weather year round.  While the rest of the country is freezing and under snow, I'm outside in the 70 degree weather under clear blue sky in sandals and shorts.  Nothing like January's in San Diego.

Great job again, mate!


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stevie
Posted: January 7th, 2010, 12:54am Report to Moderator
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Hi Blakwolfe. Thanks for the read, glad you liked it. Well done on your script too!
I'm taking notes of all the tips to improve this story and hopefully it'll come out better.
I'm letting it sit for a few more days - the wife and kids are away for 2 weeks so I can rest up a bit! Haven't had any extra sleep yet(too much coffee) - I just watched the whole first season of Deadwood over the last 2 days - that is one awesome fucking show!

Greg, thanks again man. Yeah, SD must be similair weather to where I live, on Queensland's Gold Coast. I wear shorts and t-shirts all year round too, even when it does get quite cold here in winter. I hate wearing long fucking pants! I have to at work but that's ok. C ya.




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_ghostwriters
Posted: January 7th, 2010, 1:26am Report to Moderator
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Stevie...

Congrats on completing the challange.  Writing a feature in 7 weeks is a challenge in it's self.  A lot of writers just can't do that, so good on you.  I finshed this up Sunday afternoon.  After reading most of the comments, I have very little too add.  Everything has pretty much been covered.

So having said that, yes you did have a lot of characters but I didn't have too much trouble keeping up with them.  Yea, I read in your earlier comment, your not really concerned about character development.  And you really don't have too be with the majority of your characters.  I'd only say, in the future with atleast your main character to try and have a little of it.   Trying to juggle a lot of characters is not an easy thing to do.

Half-way between page #38 to 40, you have lots of dialogue and no lines of actions whatsoever.  Maybe if you go back later and re-write this in the future, throw something in there.  It don't have to be anything big.  Maybe Slick picks his nose or a girl streaks naked past the window or something.

I'm not a big fan of the road trip movies but I didn't have to be to read your script.  For 7 weeks, this was alright for a first draft.  

So again congrats.

Ghostwriter


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


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_ghostwriters  -  January 7th, 2010, 1:37am
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stevie
Posted: January 7th, 2010, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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Hi Ghostwriter. Thanks for the read and kind words.
Actually I'm not a road trip movie fan either, but I had the idea for this and took it on.
It was sorta hard juggling all the characters - i had to keep scrolling back up the page to see who hadn't spoken at times!

Let me see...pages 38-40? Ah yes, jack and rose make an entrance. Yeah, i could break up the dialogue there. The re-write will have a few changes. That scene was building up to the inevitable 'bigger boat' line.

I'd love to read your time travel script when done - one of my fave subjects! Cheers man.



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_ghostwriters
Posted: January 8th, 2010, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie

I'd love to read your time travel script when done - one of my fave subjects! Cheers man.


Thanks.  Took me over a year to write it.  When I was done, it was 167 pages.  To technical, even I didn't understand it anymore.  So, I based it on a simple theory that I believe and got it down to 108 pages to where even someone who don't know a thing about time travel will be able to understand it.  So at this point, just tightening things up until I feel I can do no more with it.  I'll need a proofread or two then make some changes and then let it fly.

Anyway, thanks for the offer.

Ghostwriter


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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dresseme
Posted: January 8th, 2010, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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stevie,

Hey whaddaya know, I found some time!

First off, I'd like to commend you for writing this feature under a deadline.  When I read it, I never once thought "Man, this feels like it was written in a hurry."

I honestly think you've written a pretty solid feature here.  It's got it's problems (a lot of people have already gone over them, and I will too), but at the end of the day, it's a lot more entertaining than most of the stuff being put out there.  The story isn't really anything new, and I feel like I've seen it somewhere before, but who cares!  You really utilize the set-up (the briefcase in the RV and the roadtrip that ensues) to pack this script full of colorful characters and funny situations.  I was actually thinking, for my next script, I would basically do the same thing (oddly enough, with a road trip), but you kind of beat me to it.  

I'll go through my notes as I wrote them down:

p.1 - Do you need the SUPER?  Is it necessary to date this?

p.3- I know I mentioned this to you before, but I really think you need to work on differentiating Slick and his crew a little better.  I get the minor differences you put in, but if you're going to merit having them, I think you should give them some idiosyncrasies that really make them pop.

p.10 - Why wouldn't the sales clerk just call the police if they let him live?

p.12- Give Ray a better line after Slick says "...but now it's a haven for deviants and imbeciles."  Something to compliment that line.

p.13 - You need to be crystal clear with the celebrity.  Actually put in the script that it will be the celebrity playing himself, if that's what you're going for.

I noticed that Jason and Brent switch roles sometimes.  I thought Jason was the laidback, roll with it kind of guy, but then Brent acts like that too.  Work on separating them a bit more.

p.25 - "The pressures of modern life." - Maybe you should make Tommy older.  I know you have a lot of jokes at the expense of him being young, but I don't buy the majority of his dialogue.

p.32 - Tommy puts everything together waaaay too quickly

I know I said this before too, but the "Jaws" quotes just aren't doing it for me, even though it makes for a killer line at the end of the script.

p.79 - Why do Jack and Rose "deserve it"?  I don't quite understand why they're treating them like this.

That's really all I wrote down.  It was basically a breeze for me to read this.  In written form, I tend to agree with people that there are too many characters, but I think it would actually work if it were made.   It's just a little daunting right now.

The only other thing I would recommend is to trim the page count down to a lean 90-100.  It was a "breeze", but it also started to drag a bit in the end.  Good rule of thumb for comedies is to usually make them around 90.

Good work stevie!


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stevie
Posted: January 9th, 2010, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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Hi Matt! Thanks heaps for the read - i know you're pretty busy. I just wanted your take on it - it was sort of inspired by your Based on a True Story. Not the actual story but the big cast, with characters having differnt habits and quirks. Also I didn't want to have any swearing and stuff in it(though initially it did) like your scripts.
Not that I have anything against violent, expletive-ridden work...

I have a few ideas for the re-write. I'll definitely try and cut at least 10-15 pages off. That was part of the reason I didn't develop Andrea - the script was getting too long. It's good you didn't feel a rushed sense with it - if I had've got off my arse more, I would've had it done in about 5 weeks.
I garee that Brent and Jason need to have more distinct personalities I'm thinking of making Jase a real wacko sort of dude and leave Brent as the straight man. Tommy will go and Henry(and most of the Jaws quotes). I might make Pop qoute from a few famous films at ceratin times, depending on their situation. Andrea could become a real tough sort of bitchy chick, i dunno.  Will let my muse inspire me over the next few weeks.
Cheers again Matt, and good luck with all your stuff goin' on!




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