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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Headlong (7WC) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Headlong (7WC)  (currently 12087 views)
stevie
Posted: December 10th, 2010, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Hi Shawn. The new version is in the first thread - you'll know by the different start. whenever you get time, man, no prob.

Same, Balt - when you get the time! I know you've been busy on other thr...um, other things!!!


I am itching to see what people think ...



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Brian M
Posted: December 10th, 2010, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie,

Sorry it has taken me so long to read this. Weíre actually up to our waist in snow up here and itís making my life hell. Anyway, I had a few hours spare and I started again and finished this in one sitting. On to the script.

The biggest problem for me was the first act. Where did the zombies come from? Why are they not taking over the world Resident Evil style (or not actually!) or at the very least make an appearance in Las Vegas? The first few pages are the first and last we see of them. I think an explanation would help and make it less of a WTF moment. Maybe one escaped from a secret goverment testing lab or something, I dunno.  

If Ray was bitten, wouldnít he turn more into a zombie as the story goes on? He didnít change much, if at all, from what I understood. More could be done with the zombie angle. I also think the opening scene when the zombies attack could be something really memorable.

No descriptions for the characters on page one and that was a problem for me, especially for Slick. I read my comments on the first draft and I had problems with him then, too. He sounds and talks very smart and seems intelligent. (ďI find levity at appropriate times can alleviate stress levels. This leads to increased motor function and intellectual stimulus.Ē) Then he is a kung fu master and also unbreakable. I couldnít get a picture of his character at all. A line or two describing the main characters would have helped me loads, especially in Slickís case.

Page 24 - The truck driver who halved the limo just dropped them off at their destination? If Slick and co are really bad guys, they should just take the truck. ďSay... thatís a nice truckĒ!...loved those lines).

Dialogue... Jason constantly reminding Brent that he knocked Ray over was funny. Slickís line on page 49 "Relax. I learned it all from the Terminator movies. No problem." felt like something the other two idiots would say in such a situation, not someone like Slick. Page 52-53, words like arsehole and crims are not used by American people, not what I know of anyway (Iím far from an expert on American dialogue).

The real Matt Damon thing isnít working for me this time around. I notice I didnít complain about it the first time though, so it may be just because I knew it was coming.

I wish Pop could be normal some time, too. The constant Jaws lines are funny on occasion but get a bit old. It could be funnier if he is talking sense one minute, then crazy Jaws quotes the next. Also, he uses the astronaut line twice in the second half of the script.

A lot of funny stuff from the first draft didnít make it. I really liked the Jack and Rose Titanic stuff!

Absolutely perfect final scene. I was waiting for Reynolds to put his hand there since he first met Taylor.

Noticed a few typos, but nothing to shout from the rooftops about.

Overall, I donít think you realised the potential you have here. A zombie hitchhiker is a great idea, and throw in all the wacky stuff that goes on and it should be a comedy classic. As it is, I think itís a little better than the first draft but with lots of room for more laughs and wacky situations. If this sounds harsh, it isnít meant to be. I had a smile on my face while reading and thatís a result as Iíve had a really shitty week. Iím sure a lot of people will get a kick out of this. Well done!

Brian
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Baltis.
Posted: December 10th, 2010, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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I'm writing this on an hp mini in a crowded area... If the bat dies I'm gonna feel remissed.  Here goes.

Your opening troubles me because it just happens.  It's good if the ball kept rolling but it doesn't.  It kind of gets snagged here and there, which I'll get into in a second or two.

You don't ever space after a scene.  Always, always, always SPACE in-between scenes.  I know you probably wanted to save space and cram as much into as little as possible, but the truth is... Those spaces wouldn't equate to 54 to 60 lines anyways.  Do it, see how much easier it flows and is to read.

Not a huge fan of Continuous myself, but I'm seeing it more and more in scripts.  Phil uses it and he's damn good.  So, while I might not use it, I can't say it's right or wrong.

Your action slugs are nice and tight.  They read visual and they're paced with, not all the time but most, precision.  They never snagged or tripped me up once.  That's hot.

Most of your characters weren't ever really described to me.  I felt over time you'd have gave us more and more about them.  This is usually what I do... (and I believe you were one of the few I let read my Gruff remake 1st act) I start with the basic make up of who they are and then slowly, as the script unfolds, gesture to their quarks, perks or nuances.  Long hair, beard, mannerisms and so forth and so on.  As I said, we never fully know someone until time allows us to.  A script should be no different.  Let these characters breath, but give us a bone or two about them down the road.

Your dialogue is very American -- That's a good trait to have if you're wanting to sell to the American industry too.  I've read many scripts from people overseas and while they have been able to deliver a convincing story they're never able to pull in the American lingo or flow within the dialogue.  You've done better than most here.  There are some instances here and there that pepper it up, but far too few for me to call you out on them in a place such as this.

With that said, your dialogue can get toothy, though.  Slick has some extensive chains that tend to say more than needed.

17
37
39

Those are just a few instances where I felt he could've gotten away with one or two lines.  POP is another story all together, don't even get me started on the Steakhouse bit.  

But overall, I'm not complaining too much because for the most part it was clever enough to carry my interest.  "For the most part"

I don't like your use of "LATER", either by the way.  If this was embossed over the film, let me know and I'll give you a better alternative to do that.  But if it isn't, then saying LATER can be implied by a visual.

The Montage on page 40, as in most cases, is sloppily done.  You can use one, that's not the problem.  But please SPACE afterwards.  This will get you a red mark in a contest or if an analyst were to read it.  Space in general is very important in a screenplay and it's one of the most important really.  Lots of space and lots of room to breath.  Lots being said in little space and time.

I've never been a fan of Jaws -- I'll leave it at that "ha"

You got some amazing set pieces, a large variety of places you took me too here and I love that.  I felt as if it was an adventure.  We kept going forward.  We didn't do a lot of tracing or back tracking.  We were constantly on a journey and that was a nice change of pace.  I enjoyed the...... I don't know if it's new, but NEW-ish way things unfolded.  The Zombie Hitchiker, c'mon -- That's good.  I don't think it's been used many times, either.  And the instances it kind of ways, it wasn't explored enough.

The Matt Damon bit was off to me.  To me it was the scene in Zombieland with Bill Murry, know what I mean?  I can't say axe it because your last few pages are binded to it in a way, but hmmmmmmm...???

The Beatles bit was an expectant... But it did work.  I did enjoy it.  I think it ended better than it began.  It had a tight, secure ending.  One that was satisfying and telling.  The song really embodied the journey you took us on.  I liked it.  Zombie movies are hard to get right... This one had a little of everything tossed into it and while it got away from you at times I felt you always had the reigns held tightly.

I bitch about format a lot... And there are instances here where I was annoyed by your choices in format, but it was clearly written by someone who knew what "he" was going for and that it was written on capable software.  If these are your choices as a writer then I won't hang you too much on them here -- Just know I'd do it differently.  

Thanks for not wasting my time.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 10th, 2010, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Stevie,

just letting you know I'm on this one too. Got to finish one up by Phil first. He's been writing like a maniac lately.  


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 1:14am Report to Moderator
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And I'm on it as well, Aussie Mutha...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Brian and Balt...really appreciate the read and reviews!  i will write a proper reply tomorrow - the net is slow on Saturday nights here and I don't wanna write a massive reply and lose it all!

But one thing Balt? I know you've advised people to space after a scene - is that a double space then after the slug? cos I press enter after the slug and the cursor drops down once. Can you verify that?

And cheers Pia and Jeff - when you get time... no probs!!!



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Baltis.
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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Heya, man~

When I say space after a scene I mean space.  When you hit enter it automatically sets you at .5 margin.  You need to hit Enter one more time to make it 2 full spaces between the margin of your last scene and your new scene slug.  If you're using Sophocles.   Of course you can set this to default if you would like.  It's easy and I'll walk you through it if you'd like.

While the default template in Sophocles will butt everything up nice and tight, the default is set to Trottier.  I believe you wrote this script on feature loose or maybe even Cole & Hagg.  The margin's are super clean is why I say this.  They read down the page with ease... If you are using Cole & Hagg or Feature Loose, let me know.  I'll give you the exact spacing to make a double space after a transition in or out so it does it for you automatically.

And, my main point was, the default template script that comes with Sophocles was written in Trottier format, and he was notorious, as per screenwriters bible, for a tight, tight, tight ship when it came to formating.  90% of screenwriters have gotten away from it "thank god"...

So, quick example...

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - NIGHT
blah and la and de and da and la and de and da and da


EXT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - NIGHT
Blah and la and de and da and la and de and da and da

Not

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - NIGHT
blah and la and de and da and la and de and da and da

EXT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - NIGHT
Blah and la and de and da and la and de and da and da

---
Notice how much cleaner your script would be if it was like that.  And, as I said, it would only cost you a total of 54 lines in the end... Maybe 60, but never anymore than 60.  Your script should be 54 lines to 57 lines per page... So you're only losing a page in retrospect.  Big deal.  If your story is tight enough and the entertainment factor high enough, don't cram it all into tight living quarters.  Let it breath.  

Hope that helps, man.
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grademan
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie!

Congrats on the rewrite of Headlong! Hard to believe it's been one year since the original was posted.  I still haven't touched my 7WC script.

Things I liked

Still love the title
You made major changes in rewrite - hard to do
Focus on characters
quotes from Jaws were good
kept moving
Ray, the multitalented zombie, was priceless
Slick's character was interesting the first half
Good ending

Things to consider

Too many fart jokes (can't believe I said that)
I miss the freewheeling style of the first one
mixed idioms between characters (Americans using Aussie phrases)
Pop and his daughter had a good hook that was wasted
Maybe Slick just needs one henchman on the road?
Matt Damon was a lame until he was put in a  headlock
I kept wondering why Ray didn't go full on zombie
the part with Lucas felt tacked on.  Same with the brothers father.
A helicopter crash in a pool and no one gets killed?
Slick did not break any laws, come on.
Believe it or not, the lads can off as flat.  Their dialogue wasn't happening.
The barmaid's choice between the brothers would've been more effective if there had been some actual competition between them.


Overall, this was a very good rewrite. It's more structured less confusing. I don't know what your plans are for this script but it could stand some more effort to really make it sing.

Gary

The 49ers versus Packers was a great game last Sunday.  If you are a Packers fan.
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stevie
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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I can answer properly now guys!

Ah, I see now, Balt!!!  I thought you meant to double space AFTER THE SLUG!! Its all clear to me now!! Doublespace after the final scene line...   it will happen baby!!

Will start with Brian - I still haven't worked out how to quote as you go with someone's post so will wing it.

Yeah, I knew this new version would have some merits and some not. It was a major paini to re-write cos I really cut and pasted it from the original. The first 40 or so pages were all new stuff - it would've been easier fro me to just have started afresh as I had to do a lot of that anyway.
Then, bits of the second half that was intact, didn't link up, and I had to go through and insert Ray into the scenes.
Ray, ah yes, good buddy Ray... both Brian and Balt commented on the zombie scene just sort of happening without any real explanation - the story was meant to be really out there wacky from the start, so the reader knew what he was in for.  I wanted all suspension of belief to be checked in at the door.

This script might possibly be the 'best' one i do, so i wanted to go all out with the fun and the tempo of it. The idea for Ray was just a joke at first - there was gonna be no zombie scene (maybe in a quick flashback) - the script was gonna open with the boys driving and they run over Ray. Then it would show Slick and the guys in pursuit with some exposition and maybe a FB.
I didn't want the reader to pnder where the zombies came from - if I have some dialogue from DQ perhaps before they appear, saying he'd heard the old mining town was haunted or something, that might cover it?
The gag was that no one rects to the fact that Ray is a zombie and I wanted him for the visual comedy. He's not meant to be an aggro zmbie or attack anyone - if I had more space I was gonna have a couple of scnes that show his 'wild' side!  One - which i was very tempted to have as an outtake in the closing credits - was a parody of the Indianapolis scene in Jaws, where the guys are drunk and compare scars. Jason was gonna trun to Ray and say, 'What about you, man, any battle scars?  And Ray was gonna sit for a moment then rip his leg off and place it on the table. I reckon that would be a priceless scene if I wrote it right.

There's still a few weak sections and things that Gary pointed out - i tried to make more of Andrea and the boy's fighting over here - and its improved from the original - but again, the page length was mounting so I sort of hurried it at the end.
Brian mentioned he was sad that Jack and Rose were cut - yeah, i was fond of them too but I did have way too many characters - it was funny then because I realised I had no one to fall off the glass platform!!  So i had Ray make the trip there in the bus. Also Jack had had a few lines in conversations so then i had to farm them off to Brett and Jason.

I was reasonably happy with the way i handled Pop's Jaws qoutes the second time around - I tried to have them 'match' the coversation that was happening at the time. Some of them just seemed to fit anyway (well, to me...lol)

I'm just looking back at the comments... yeah, brainm the descriptions. i used to put a reasonable few lines of a character but I get a bit tired of it lately. For some reason I forgot to do one for Slick. I guess he's tall, with  perfect hair. I picture him as a mix between James Bnd and Rowan Atkinson's Blackadder - he wants to be the perfect bad guy but have class. He thinks his repartee with cool lines is the best. But he's always saddled with idiot help and has to do what he can to get the job done. I tried to have his slowly unravel as each new pitfall is placed upon him. I used the continual destruction of each mode of transport as a sort of metaphor for his declining sanity. This show more in the first version I think.

Matt Damon...originally this was gonna be George Clooney (I just wanted any well known actor in there) but realised I would two Georges later when the Fabs lobbed.  it was more self indulgent than anything - I was throwing it all in there when doing the original. It doesn't affect the plot - actually either do the Fabs but hey, it's my script... - and I kind o fliked this mechanic who lives off his mooments of fame.

Balt, the CONTINOUS ,yeah, I've only just started doing this. But if you have a lot of scenes set during the day or night, then they will just say DAY anyway - either way there'll be a shot load of them so they may as well be CONTINOUS - it's a matter of preference I guess. in my writng now, I trying to have more of my style, so I'm using more unfilmables in my new scripts. i rad a few scripts of Scriptshadow  and these were writeen with more flair.  It'll naturally attract possible negative comments but I tired to the same boring conventions. It won't change my formatting so it doesn't rally matter to me.

I finish up for now - my wrist is sore! But I wil put up more as I digest the commenst.

Really appreciate the rads guys - fantastic thoughts and have given me some things to chew on. I don't know if I can face a third draft (aaaarggh) but I reckon any changes will be pretty easy to incorparate. I was planning to enter this in a comp at some stage - if I can make some adjustments to really tighten it, with people's help, then that would be cool.

And Balt, I'm sort of wrapt that reading this didn't waste your time. That is a top endorsement for Headlong. Cheers man.

PS - my wife just suggested why don't I tun this script into a novel? Actually, she's always telling me to go back to novel writing - she can't see how someone who watches fuck all movies can write film scripts!!???  Not that she's read any of my stuff...



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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Stevie,

I also have a hard time believing it's been a year already since we did the first 7WC! WOW!  I haven't rewritten mine either yet.  I should.

Anyway, I thought you did a great job with it last year for 7 weeks. The improvements you have made here are really good. I thought there were a couple or so too many pages than needed at the very end, but other than that you had a nice escalation to the climax.

I loved the zombie add here. Ray was my favorite character.

Before I get to my notes, I want to make a comment about CONTINUOUS and LATER. I don't have the problem with those being used in a script, but they have to be used correctly IMHO. Neither one should be used if the location and characters in the scenes change. You use continuous a lot and to be honest, there were times when I didn't know if it was currently day or night. I had to stop and go back and check when that was last mentioned.

There were some typos and missing words here and there. Other than that it read smoothly.

Characters had also improved from what I remember of the last version I read.

The following are some thoughts I had while reading.

pg   1.  I guess this was a joke too that they all trusted each other and had no guns in the beginning. After I read into this story I realized that, but on its own in the beginning I was thrown off because it seemed so ultra dumb. I think you need to make that first couple of pages funnier so no one of importance mistakes this script and quits reading. Establish what type of comedy this is right away, if you know what I mean.

On the same page you write "the million". Don't you need to mention the exact amount?

pg   4.  You should mention their Aussie accents before they speak IMO.

I was a little confused about the money and the gems. Are they together? Don't one group bring the money and the other the gems? Ray seems to end up with both in his briefcase. How did that happen? Did I miss something?

pg  12.  you call Brent Brett,

pg  15.  Corvette or Firebird?

no need to keep mentioning Ray's face. We know it's fucked up.

pg  21.  Need to fix the slug TOILET?SHOWER BLOCK. The reason is that we have no idea they are at a campground yet. We go from the RV straight to this scene. Why not call it CAMPGROUND - BATHROOM/SHOWER BUILDING?

Ray's carrying a change of clothes? Where are the money and gems?

pg  24.  with millions in cash and gems missing, I had an extremely hard time with Slick and his gang deciding they need to get a cabin and sleep first. Even for this time of comedy, it's just too much. That was btw, the only problem I had with this script. Unfortunately it's a very huge problem.

Almost every character and you too in the action paragraphs keep referring to them as "boys". Every time I read that, it screamed STEVIE. It's okay if one characters says it, but not all of them. They should have individual speech patterns.

pg  28.  most Americans would call it vacation rather than holiday...

Ray sips his beer here. I think he needs to stay true to his character and do what he has done earlier. Draining the whole thing.

pg  32, 40.  I think those montages should be series of shots. They are too short for a montage IMHO.

pg  42.  not sure the scene with Taylor and Pepita works. It seems really random and doesn't forward the story. It doesn't make sense since later she's with Steakhouse.

pg  44.  I doubt an RX-7 is going to get anyone's attention unless that was a joke too.  

pg  46.  the road is now icy? The day before heat shimmered...

Somehow I pictured Reynolds as Sheriff Buford T. Justice! Why not have a little fun with him. After all you already have other films and celebrities in this script. Seems appropriate to have a little Smokey and the Bandit in here too. It is a roadtrip movie.  

pg  66.  by now I'm wondering why no one is checking on Slick at all. I know it's a long drop and he most likely didn't survive, but that also seems wrong to not check at least.

pg  70.  She turns the jug on? What jug?

pg  86.  would have been funny if the number was her measurements rather than her grandma's bd.

pg 100. Bonnet?? Didn't we go over this last time I read this???  

pg 103.  not sure about them saying the fool in the chopper lead them to him. Adam said that they had never been able to prosecute Lucas. Not that they didn't know where he lived.

pg 106.  how could Ray possibly drop down on the windshield of the chopper? Do you know how big the rotor blades are? Maybe he had an amazing sense of timing.  

Okay Stevie, good work you've done. I liked it. Hope any of this could be of help.

Pia    


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stevie
Posted: December 12th, 2010, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia. Thanks for the read and comments. I'll try and answer your points - I still haven't mastered the art of qouting and replying as I go along so I have two screens open.

Yeah, i metioned the CONTINOUS thing above...at times, I got lost as well remembering if it was DAY or AFTERNOON. A lot of the chase was in the day so I left it as CONTINOUS.

The guns...yep, I wanted this to have no violence or swearing - like the original - as it is more of a challenge to do that. I could throw in a couple of 'fucks' in a funny bit and get away with it but I didn't. i see your point about it maybe being dumb they are crooks and don't have weapons. i wanted Slick to be this perfectionist who didn't lower his standards. I guess I could put in a bit where DQ opens the trunk to grab a gun but Slick hasn't brought them on purpose.

I think I had their accents in a wrylie but some one suggested an action line instead and it looks like I forgot both...there is a few mistakes where words and stuff from the original got left in - thats why the Firebird is a Corvette in one part!

Hmm, I'm sure I make it clear Ray has the gems only...oh yeah, in the original, there was a briefcase filled with cash - another case of the original accidentally left in.  Sorry!!

I didn't realise I didn't do a scene of theboys and Ray getting to the campground. Is it really nescessary? I'm sure there's some dialgoe saying they are gonna stay at Sedona somewhere.

The clothes Ray wears are spares of the boys!!

Ok, the reason Slick and his men stay is because the signal has stopped. So they know the gems are somewhere in Sedona but the odds of finding them without attracting attention are minimal. They are tired and hungry and they rest up. Also they have transporation until they still another vehicle.

Yeah, sorry about the boys...I didn't want to keep repeating their names. I could use the 'brothers' or the 'pair', I spose.

Pepita/Taylor was indulgent I guess! it was in the original.
Um, the icy road...another bit left in from the original - it was meant to be set in March. I remeember when we were in Arizonz in march. it was hot at Tombstone, etc but at Safford went up Mt Graham and there was still snow. No snow at Sedona so I guess it was plot device to take out the Firebird.

A few people commented in the roginal reviews about Slick being rescued or looked for. Ok, I give up!!! I obviously didn't want scenes of peole searching (and the logistics would be tough in real life). I hoped the townsfolk and Reynoilds would come across as havng the attitude of, 'well, he deserved it, speeding and chasing innocent peole - let him stay in the GC!'  Darnit Pia, you're supposed to ignore these things!!!!!  LOL!!!

The jug? The boys would have kitchen stuff in the RV - we did!! The jug is like a kettle to boil water for coffee.

Come on...Ray is the utimate hero!!!  Mere rotor blades don't stop him!!!  Perhaps I could have a few body parts fall off him!  could be some more comic value in that...

All your points are valid Pia and I can address them when I get back to HL.  Glad you liked this new version. It was a gas writing it but the actual re-writes were a pain.

Cheers stevie




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Ledbetter
Posted: December 21st, 2010, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Stevie,
Just wanted to throw my hat in the ring. It seems alot of what I feel was put out there by Pia.

Was the OWC for Halloween, thus the Zombies? Just asking. I will say, I am not a Zombie fan both on screen or paper but what you did with them was really clever. The whole script overall was very enjoyable to read as well. I did however hic-up a couple of times due to some lenghty dialog buy not so much to be bothered by it.

As far as formatting and your choices go, I leaned some time ago, just to stay out of that arenea seeing how I don't know too much about it but your uses of the format tools seemed fine to me.

Lucas did feel tacked on for me. needs to be fleshed out a bit. The ending was great. Tidied everything up nicely.

Great job both on the story and the re-write. Especially the re-write. Those can be a bitch.

I don't know if I have mentioned this about your writing before but, you do have a very Stevie-esque voice to give to your writing. Very cool style. I think that is what I came away most of all with. A sense that your writing is really matururing and coming into its own.

Shawn.....><



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stevie
Posted: December 21st, 2010, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Shawn. Thanks for the read and the comments.

No, this was doen for a 7 week challenge organised by Jonny Boy last year. The theme was Christmas but I, um, cheated a little as I didn't want the weather playing a part in the script...?
The original HL was meant to be a a full on action piece, almost MA in rating. But as I wrote it, it came out with comedy in it. So the first 40 pages were a bit different from the rest.
when i finally came to re-write it, I had to make the first part as wacky as the rest of the script. I tried and abandoned a few ideas, then came up with Ray the zombie.

A couple of people have mentioned the lucas bit as being 'tacked on'. Interesting, as it'sa alwys been in the script. Slick is slowly going crazy as his task gets harder ans when he finally gets the gems back, he's just trying to finish the job and help his boss.

Cheers for the view about my 'style'. My latest writng I'm trying to up the ante and make them more stylish and vibrant - I'm using more unfilmables but not overboard - am trying to make the scripts sing.

Have a great Xmas!



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rendevous
Posted: December 23rd, 2010, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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John, sorry, Paul, er no, Winston. Richard? Is it George? Hang on, Pete. Nah, er Stuart? Nearly. Got it... Martin. Elenor? Long tall Sally. Bernard? It's Bernard. Hello Bernie baby,

Then now. Headlong. First thing that struck is it's in Arizona. Can't see why it would be, yet. Could work just as well in Australia. Although the zombies might be slightly more blonde, drunk and sustanned.

I think the dialogue early could improve a little. Some of it's good. Just the odd line seems to jar a little. Or maybe it's just me. That's happened before. Some of it is very good. If you look at Chris Nolan's last few films every line has weight. Now I know this is more comedy than his but the same rule applies for me. If only I obeyed my own rules I wouldn't seem such a hypocrite.

I'd say the first ten pages should have a little less dialogue, and something else. On the other hand it reads pretty fast. And what do I know? Quite a lot. But then again, there are vast warehouses of stuff I don't. Such as the locations of Ms. Tatou and Winslet. And how to pay off the credit card for all that crap for Christmas.

On a format point thing your periods (that's '...', not the menstrual / warpath / shouting thing) need a space after them. That way it won't skew your dialogue lines as much as they do.

Ah. The compulsory appearance of The Cockcroaches. I can't say it helps. And I doubt they could afford it if they did film this.

You have to watch those apostrophes too. I used to mark English exam papers, many years ago. Don't ask why.Many realise the apostrophe is important. Sadly to demostrate this they litter their writing with them. "It's" is short for "it is". "Its" doesn't need one, it denotes belonging. Other "its" are available. A good dictionary usually covers its use. Or then again, the magic of the interweb may enlighten. Sorry, pet peeve. I used to have a dog called Peeve. I sounded like a looney when shouting for his return in the park.

Back to the plot. After the first twenty pages I feel as if there are a few too many characters. It's not easy to recall who is who and why. The Ray character is  probably the strongest point. His dialogue is priceless.

I think Pia's mentioned most of the problems. Needs a rewrite when you are sober and free. Some of it does get quite confusing.

I kept wondering what happened to the Zombie types at the beginning. I know the pit type thing opened then closed again, but if you showed that at the start of a movie people would wonder. Some slight explanation might help.

This Ray guy is great at pool and karaoke. Hmm, have you been following me again?

Alright. I'm half way or so through. Some very funny parts and some inventive scenes. I'd cut the dialogue down somewhat. I'm sure you could acheive the same effect with less quicker. Good work though. Needs tidying up, like my house.

More later. Merry Chrimbo to you and yours if I don't speak to you this side.

R ox


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stevie
Posted: December 23rd, 2010, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi RV - thought I'd say gidday now,even though you haven't finished your review.

I take it you are back in the UK? Did the Aussie customs guys finally nab you?!! LOL

Cheers for your comments on HL. James made a good point via email about Ray. He said there is ample comic potential for him to be more zombie-like at times. Not by eating anyone's brains but every now and then showing his undead tendencies - I have to agree.
I had a scene planned where the gang are all drunk and they do a send up of the scar comparing scene in 'Jaws'. Ray tops them all by ripping his leg off and throwig on the table. I pictured it as an outtake in the credits but could work in the final scene in the bar.

I'll read through HL after Xmas and see what else can be amended.

All the best to you and yours for the festive season, and Happy New Year.



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