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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Headlong (7WC) Moderators: bert
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  Author    Headlong (7WC)  (currently 12081 views)
Don
Posted: December 23rd, 2009, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Headlong (7WC) by Steve McDonell (stevie) - Comedy - On a U.S road trip, two Aussie brothers pick a recently turned zombie hiker. Unbeknownst to them, he carries a fortune in stolen gems. A wild chase ensues, from Phoenix to Las Vegas...114 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 21st, 2010, 5:54pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 25th, 2009, 12:10am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Why doesn't my bro, Stevie have any posts here?  Horse shit!!!!  Don't worry bro, I've read it already and will post ASAP (too much Christmas/family stuff going down right now).

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!


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Tommyp
Posted: December 25th, 2009, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie. I read about up to page 70 before, so I read the rest today. Here are my thoughts:

You have montages where you don’t really need montages, just have action.

The problem with the Jaw’s quotes is that people that haven’t seen it won’t get it. Well done for picking a popular film, but I wouldn’t have quotes from the Jaw’s too important in the script.

The farting thing gets old quickly, and I think others on here will agree. I say in the rewrite take out a very occasions with farting.

I like the Heart Will Go On scene, funny stuff.

Okay, up to page 92 and I’m slightly confused. There are a lot of characters, and lots of things are happening at once. I think the characters have too much of the same voice, and their dialogue is similar. That could be a problem.

I think this line “We could all give chase in the RV, thus initiating a wild finale.” Needs to be taken out, it breaks with 4th wall and I think it could be done better.

It’s a bit long for what it is, but most of it’s dialogue, so it would go quicker than a minute per page.

I think the major problem with this script is that there is too much external conflict, and not enough internal. Most of the characters don’t really change that much by the end. You need them to have a problem... or something, so they can improve... or their issue becomes worse, by the end.

I think you actually need a chase scene. Going from saying they are going to drive after the chopper, to suddenly at the Bradshaw’s house – it all happens too quickly.
There needs to be a reason in there for the suitcase to have a camera.

Have you seen two helicopters crash into each other? I have, and it’s a lot more hardcore than you say, small chance the people inside would survive. Maybe they jump into the pool before the helicopter crashes to the ground?

Some of your action lines could be split up. I know you are keeping under 5 lines, but to much happens in some of your paragraphs with different characters, it makes sense to split it up and give it a bit more space.

They wouldn’t get the bulk of the 3 mill as a reward... a lot less.

I really like how you bring back characters we saw before, without just having them on screen for a bit and then forgetting about them... Jack and Rose, The Fabs.

I dunno about having Matt Damon in there... if you can figure out a way to cut him out, I say do it.

Interesting ending, I like it.

There were some funny lines in this man, but it lacked in certain bits. There weren’t really any morals or lessons, and the characters didn’t grow that much from it.

I know you’re not really going for that though, it’s a plain comedy, and if you are going for that, it works.

Well done, good read.


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stevie
Posted: December 25th, 2009, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tommy, thanks for the review. I've been hanging out for some feedback! hope you aren't too sick this morning!

Ok, I'll explain a bit about this script. Originally it was gonna be set at Christmas but the logistics and weather of an Arizona December would've buggered up the campground stuff. So i moved it to March which is when I have travelled the highways and places mentioned.
it was also gonna be more violent with touches of humour, like Beverly Hills Cop. But the first 20 pages had an uneasy mix, so I made it a straight comedy. Taking this further, I made it like a parody of all the road trip/chase movies. I put a lot of odd characters in there(maybe too many) and the sitautions became more outlandish.
I wasn't looking for character development -actually i don't in any of my scripts; i just write the story and whatever happnes, happens.

Yeah, i thought I overdid the fart stuff and maybe the Jaws quotes. I just wanted to have people only said certain stuff. I don't necessarily agree, Tommy, about readers not knowing much about Jaws - it is a very popular movie, even amongst young kids.

I had a chase scene planned involving the chopper, motorbike, RV, etc. But I was getting weary of the script by then, and just wanted to wrap things up. I felt it was too long anyway.
Some of the logistics for this were a pain to write! Originally they all get to Vegas at night. I didn't want the finale to take place at night, so I had to make them get there in the day. And earlier, I had to work out the distances/vehicle speed ratio for the trip from Sedona to Flagstaff. I've driven that route but it was still a case of detail checking!
when i went with pure comedy for this, I cut all the swearing, more as a challenge I guess. I was kind of looking for an M rating, maybe a PG with some fine tuning. I was inspired too, by Dressel's scripts, Producing... and Based on... in which he had a fair size cast and all this stuff building up.

Um, that's about it for now. cheers again Tommy.  Matt Damon was originally George Clooney! Then when I was writing the final scene, i realised there were 2 characters named George! So i picked Matt. Who knows, he might read this one day and be in it!



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grademan
Posted: December 26th, 2009, 1:27am Report to Moderator
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STEVIE’S BIG ROAD TRIP MOVIE

I liked the truck driver following the hoods which were following the RV. Ray falling off the edge was good.

Henry and Pop area little tiresome spouting dialogue from Jaws and Supernatural

In the US the big rigs are called 18 wheelers.

The Grand Canyon lies before then, in all its glory. Ugh. Cliché alert.

Hillbillies in the GC – Why not?

The bad guys crash in the GC?  Mm.

It’s okay for the Aussies to say crims, but US cops would say perps.

Jack and Rose’s departure was too weepy.

Pepita remembers the license plate as Reynolds recalsl his cop friend in Vegas?

The Fab Four in Arizona talking about killer roos, I laughed at this one.

I thought it was all over at the GC but you managed to keep upping the crazy level.

The REAL Matt Damon? Mm.

Good job Stevie, parts of this were very funny, esp the parts for the crims and Steakhouse and his bunch.

Cheers

Gary







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stevie
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Hi Gary. Thanks for th eerad and kind words - glad you liked it. It did become more crazy as it went on; that was my intention, to make it so unbelievable but theoretically possible! It was almost cartoonish in some parts.

Yeah, I see now, in retrospect, that Pop and Henry's lines would be tiresome. Maybe if I had quotes from different movies, and it peratained to stuff they were doing. I was just trying to throw in some different shit. and, of course, I always knew when I started writing this, what th elast line was gonna be.
The killer roos thing stuck my head from Matt Chisholm's Halloween OWC, so I kept putting it out there. There were a few little in-jokes for SS people - the hillbillies from Deliverance for Rob, Officer Reynolds from KC for Balt( he was originally named after Balt but i changed it at the last minute).

I've read about half of your, Gary, and will finish it tonight and post a review. Cheers buddy.



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Grandma Bear
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Stevie,

I liked your road trip idea here. It was fun and crazy. I'm impressed you wrote this in just a few weeks. Great job. Now, there are some things that need to be changed here though for this to work better. Just remember to take my comments with a grain of salt. I'm not a pro as you know. I'm only telling you how I see things.

This script have a few major problems that you need to fix. First thing is that you have way too many characters in this one. They are all colorful in their own way, but because there are so many of them, we don't really get to know any of them and as a result, we don't care about them as much as we should. None of them. You have it set up as Jason and Brent are going to be our protags, but other than learning that one is an engineer and the other works a crummy job we know nothing about them. For this story to work you need to change this. Make us care about them. Make us want to know them. I would also if I were you axe a few of the characters as they IMO did nothing to enhance this script. Pop and Henry added nothing. Nor did Rose and Jack. You could easily get rid of Matt, Andrea and Tommy too. Why are they in this? You could at least have made either Brent or Jason fall for Andrea or maybe even both of them to get some conflict going here to make things a little more interesting. Tommy was nothing more than a big irritation for me…sorry.

The second problem with this is the dialogue. Everyone sounds exactly the same. Even Tommy and he's a 12 year old kid. Not only does he speak like the other adults, but he's got Australian accent or at least Aussie word usage. Which leads to another big problem. I started out typing up everything I read that IMO made this script ring false. Everyone always says write what you know. That doesn't mean you can't write a sic-fi about space traveling aliens, but if you decide to write a script about people and places in the US (as an example) like you did, it ruins the authenticity feel when over and over the characters say and do things that are not true the area. Maybe Jeff will point out all of these to you… I love you Aussies, I really do. Love the way you talk, but we don't talk like that here. I cringed every time they said crims. There were things like that throughout this script that screamed "the writer is Australian!! We love him, but…".

There were not that many typos, but those that were there came mostly near the end. Otherwise the writing was good. I would change some of your slugs however.


page 1. No need to mention he's a young man right before you state that he's 18.

page 2, you call Corey Connor.

I'm not an expert in motorhomes, but I think what you are referring to are campers. They are sort of like big pick-ups with a camper on top. The reason I'm mentioning it is because people usually refer to them by the name of the manufacturer of the camper not the truck base. In other words, I think it would sound more realistic if Corey says (just an example) "it 's a brown and white Adventurer". A Ford motorhome, just doesn't sound right since Ford doesn't make motorhomes. IMHO of course. Nit picking is all.  

page 5. I liked their discussions about school and jobs. Says a lot about them.

page 6. Them talking about not liking Aussies doesn't ring true to me at all. As far as I know, it seems they are liked by pretty much everyone. Maybe Antonio has a reason, but Ray? I don't buy it and I don't think an audience would agree either.

If Slick can track the money so easily on his phone, why go to the rv rental place at all? Seems like a very stupid move. Also doesn't tell us anything new since we've already met Brent and his brother and they've already told us where they are going. Skip that scene and have Slick track them on the phone instead.

All Beatles! LOL.

Not sure I like Slick's line "this country used to be proud and free of sin". Not only doesn't it fit Slick's thug character, but I doubt anyone here would say something like that. Not eve an ultra conservative.

I think you need to make Tommy's dialogue be more like a 12 year olds. He sounds exactly like Jason…

page 19, Andrea says their granddad is trying to escape from the retirement home. As far as I know, you're not a prisoner there. You can come and go as you please. Okay, I see. You call it nursing home on the next page. Need to change that on the previous page then since the two are completely different things. You call it retirement home again later.

Not sure why Brent decided to ram the other rv. Usually people tend to not want to get any dents on rented vehicles as it could become costly. Also, it's not like they were being chased or anything so it comes off as a very stupid move.

Why did Andrea wait at the car? It's her Grandpa. Seems like she should be the one to go get him.

I liked the name Steakhouse!

page 36. Not so sure I like your slugs saying LATER. It's a completely new scene with new people…

page 38. Rose's dialogue at the bottom of the page…what teenager talks like that?? Ditto that for Jack.

It's gracias, not gracious.  

Funny how Rose and Jack keep their lips locked even though they are thrown about in the rev.

IMO, the pages when we first meet Officer Reynolds go on too long. It would be boring on film to sit and listen to Jimmy tell what happened when we just watched it ourselves. Don't tell an audience what they already know. The dialogue there could easily be tightened up.

I find it a little too unbelievable that the police are not going to check out the truck and car and what really happened. I doubt there would just be Reynolds taking a few notes. I could be wrong, but would imagine a whole bunch of cops taking pictures of the tire tracks and such and then there would be police helicopters in the canyon and some people on the ground too. There's at least one body down there. I know the terrain is rough (I was there in June), but they would at least try to recover the body.

pages 71 and 76. I think that would be more like A SERIES OF SHOTS rather than a montage.

page 85.  He feels a calm, a sense of wonder….

Airlifting injured people in a police helicopter? Are you sure about that? I'm not sure how things work in Vegas, but where I live, the airlifting of any injured people is done by "ambulance" choppers that are stationed at a hospital. I think most police helicopters only have two seats. There would be no room for patients nor two passengers. You may want to look into that.

It's a little far fetched to expect us to believe that not just Slick would survive the fall down the GC, but Rose and Jack too?…on top of glass.
Btw, you can't just walk out on the Skywalk. You have to go through the building and it costs about $30.

I see that you took this story over the top in the second half. That's fine even if some things were really crazy.

All in all, I think you did a good job. Fix the characters, dialogue and words from Oz and you'll have a fun road trip script here.

Hope any of this can be of help.
Pia  






















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Dreamscale
Posted: December 26th, 2009, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie, sorry for the delay, bro.  Too busy while visiting my sis’ family outside St. Louis.

I’m back now, and here’s my take on your 7WC script.  I’m not going to go into great detail and edit this for you, but I will throw out a post of notes for you, on a semi page by page basis.

As this sits now, it doesn’t work for me, and I’ll go into why in a bit.  I think it really can work though with a major rewrite of the first 50 or so pages.

I’ve read the other reviews, and first thing I want to say is that I agree with Pia on just about everything she said.  She brought up some great points and I echo them all…poor dialogue, too many characters without enough characterization for most of them, and biggest problem is the Aussie dialect for everyone, which makes no sense and distracts from the read.

Stevie, as I said when I read your first 40 or so pages a month ago, the tone is the biggest issue here.   What I mean is this…this script screams out zany, slapstick comedy.  It needs to be this way from start to finish, and that’s not the case now. The first half isn’t nearly as zany as the last half and because of that, it feels very uneven and almost strange in a way when things go slapstick.

As I was reading along, I wasn’t enjoying it much at all…up until things got whacky, zany, and down right goofy.  The 2nd half has a Cheech and Chong road trip feel to it…a Gumball Rally feel…even a Smokey and the Bandit vibe.  At times, it veers into the Airplane/Naked Gun movies even, which is all good.  But your opening 40 or so pages are completely different, and that’s a big problem, as the zany stuff comes out of left field and feels like a completely different movie.

The Jaws quotes go on way too long and I think you missed some classic ones, and some of the ones you chose to use are too remote for most to even have a clue they’re from the movie.  The other guy quoting all this stuff from whatever Supernatural is flew over my head completely, and I would imagine most won’t get it at all.  I’d choose something more memorable that everyone will understand, catch, and relate to.

At times, your dialogue exchanges go way too long and don’t offer anything we need in here.  I’d hugely up the sight gags, the slapstick, the goofiness, and cut back on the dull dialogue.

I like many of your characters, but I don’t really care for any of your main protags, and that’s a problem.  The 2 Aussie boys are both rather dull.  Andrea offers very, very little (as Pia suggested, you should include some romance with her…it would add a lot!).  Tommy comes off as an adult and his character needs a lot of work.  The goons dialogue is terrible and needs lots of work.  The old men could be great, but they need work as well.  The best characters, IMO are everyone else, but none of them are really main characters, even though they have a lot of onscreen time.

Maybe, I shouldn’t say there are too many characters, because there are many examples of movies with a huge cast that do work.  I think it can work but it needs work, and they need a unique voice, some quirks, anything that will make them more memorable.  I doubt I’ll eve say this again, but I think playing up the clichés in your characters would help. Pepita is a perfect example. She’s hilarious at times.  She could be even more over the top.  Taylor, as well.  She/he works but could be a lot better.  Same with Steakhouse and the goons.  Sometimes, in comedies, clichéd characters work cause it’s not meant to be taken seriously and clichéd characteristics are funny when they’re over the top.  I’d go for that with everyone.

So, as things got zany, I started liking this and wish it was all written like this.  I think if you redo the first half and start right off with some crazy stuff going on, it would work.  The stuff with the cops ordering pizzas was hilarious!  This is what you need on page 1 – 50.  For a comedy to work, we need to understand what we’re in for right from the get go.

I’d also up the R rating, and include some nudity, a lot more swearing, and more over the top stuff.  The stuff with Taylor and Pepita was great arly on, but then quickly disappeared.  I’d have Steak and Peppy going at it somewhere…it would be a hilarious visual with a huge fat guy and a sexy little Mexican minx.

The Skywalk falling into the canyon was great, but again, it came out of nowhere and seemed out of place at the time.  If people are going to be able to survive all sorts of near death experiences, give us some right up front.  Go bigger in all regards.  Throw out attempts at humor nonstop…some will work, some won’t, but at least go for it.

Potential here for sure, my brother.  Excellent effort for 7 weeks.  Clean it up, tighten it up, make the tone even throughout. Great job, overall!


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Part 2

NOTES

Page 1 – Don’t like your opening intro’s at all.  When you first intro a character without naming him, you need to use all CAPS.  For instance, “Three hefty men pursue…”.  This is their first intro, so “hefty men”, or at least “men” should be CAPPED.  But the bigger issue here, IMO, is the fact that you’re wasting space by using words like, “a young man”, and “three hefty men”, as apposed to simply introing them with their name.  Further muddying up this initial intro is the fact that we get almost zero description for these 4 characters.  Corey is intro’d as “young”, which is a waste, because we know he’s 18.  The only thing we know about the other 3 is that they’re “hefty”…no ages, no nothing else.  Not a good way to start things off, IMO.

Missing commas in your SUPER

Page 2 – “bosse’s” -   “boss’s”

“Connor”????

Page 5 – “solid white guy” – Hmmm, why say he’s a white guy?  Strange…  Not sure about the “steel cap” thing either.

Page 8 – “The Taylor holds…” – No need for “the”.

Page 10 – So, the antags stole an RV?  Why wouldn’t the “clerk” just call the police immediately after they left?  Reality check problem here.  They should have killed him, otherwise, we’ve got a problem that we can’t get around.

Page 11 – Funny line about “pitching a tent in my pants”!!  Well done!

Page 13 – Funny about the Matt Damon lookalike, but I think you could have played this out a bit better.

Page 15 – Funny about the killer Roos.

Page 17 – “He’s not sure why.” – wasted aside.  Stay away form these.

Page 18 – Love how you’re using actual places.  Adds a lot of reality to the script.  Problem is that Lo Lo Mai campgrounds is only 2 hours from Sky Harbor Airport.  On page 10, Slick’s RV met up with Taylor, and it was day.  Now, they’re pulling into the campgrounds, and it’s night (and, the boys have been there for quite awhile, as they’ve already eaten).  Reality check issues!!!

General note – I see some comedy elements in here for sure, but I’m having trouble with the thugs, as they aren’t very funny, but they’re not very realistic either.  The tone is kind of off kilter, IMO.

Page 19 – Very awkward and confusing with the bumping into Tommy thing.  Needs some attention.

“starts yelling” – stay away from using words like “starts”.  Very passive and not what you want in a script.

OK, now Brent says it’s midnight, which again is a reality check problem based on the above notes for Page 18.

General note – I don’t buy any of the exchanges or dialogue from Slick, Ray, and Antonio.  Doesn’t sound real at all.

Page 22 – “He sees two guys in the front.” – Totally unnecessary line.  Does absolutely nothing.

Page 23 – The use of “CONTINUOUS” in your Slug here is incorrect, as it’s impossible that this scene is continuous from the last one.  It’s “LATER”.

Page 24 – “Torch”?????  HUH???

Page 26 – “too” – “to”

Page 27 – “The Firebird will soon catch them.” – Here’s an example of what I’m talking about the dialogue between these goons.  Just so unrealistic.

Page 28 – “They’re on 89a.” – Poor, confusing sentence.  “a” should be capped, but you should offer more info as to exactly what you’re talking about.

Page 29 – Funny about the side effects of the meds, but I’m confused…the effects last 12 hours, and they take them once a day, so basically, you’re saying that they’re like this all their waking hours, right?  Why weren’t they like this last night when they were picked up?

Page 30 – Why are both character’s dialogue O.S.?  Doesn’t make sense…what is onscreen.

Page 33 – I don’t get the “Supernatural” references.  Is that a movie or something?

Page 36 – “are” – “is”

Page 37 – “We’lll” – “We’ll”

General note – You’re going a bit overboard with the Jaws dialogue and whatever that Supernatural thing is as well.  At first it’s funny, but it’s already getting annoying, and many of these comments are lost by the frequency of them.

Page 39 – “…in the same street…” – should be “on the same street…”

I don’t like the addition of Rose and Jack…don’t think they’re at all necessary.

Page 50 – “Gracious” – “Gracias”

Page 51 – Don’t put things like “aerial view” in your Slugs.

“are kissing” – “kiss”

Page 56 – a 5 line passage…cut it back to 4!!!

Page 59 – If this Jimmy character knows Officer Reynolds as “Mikey”, you should intro him as Officer Mike Reynolds, so we understand where that’s coming from.

No need for Jimmy to reiterate what we already just saw.  Total waste of time, space, and would be very dull onscreen.

This entire scene seems like a big waste, and goes on way too long.  Totally unrealistic with the way this officer is handling it.

Page 63 – Another 5 liner…cut it back!!!

Page 64 – Now we’re getting really goofy with the survival of Slick, and the entrance of hillbilly’s raping the campers.  Doesn’t work for me, sorry to say.

“The gang are…” – should be “The gang is…”

Page 67 – “Reynolds lives in a house behind the police station.” – Very poor sentence!  Totally an aside you’re telling us.  No place in a script for this type of writing.

Page 71 – “Peach Springs is a town high up in the mountains.” – Another example of you telling us something we’ll never know from watching onscreen.

Page 81 – Very awkward with Brent’s dialogue near the bottom, about the broken down van. You need to set this up first with an action line.

WAY too much dialogue with the Beatles dudes.  Isn’t working for me.

Page 85 – Wow, we’re really going overboard here now, huh?  Getting really, really whacky, and I don’t think it fits.  I think this is a problem with this script over all.  I’d recommend starting things off just as goofy as you’re being here, otherwise it seems to hit from left field.

Page 86 – What’s with the coyotes all urinating on things?  Really goofy, mate!

“Aaaaaargh!” – A classic no no, IMO.  No one says “Argh” except maybe pirates.

Page 88 – “Damn, his phone is off.” – Another example of you not setting up the dialogue through action lines.  This makes no sense without us knowing that he was trying to call him.

Page 92 – You have to CAP all new characters as they’re intro’d.

Page 93 – No way could a police chopper carry a stretcher.  Also, how did Jack and Rose survive that fall with zero injuries?  Reality check!!!!

Page 95 – Again, don’t put “aerial view” in your Slug.  This thing wouldn’t play out well onscreen withy all the V.O.’s…we’d have no clue who was saying what.

Page 98 – “It is Gabe, Reynolds's buddy.” – Very poor sentence.

Page 100 – Why in the world is Cop 4 talking about Celine Dion?  Nothing to do with anything going on here…very, VERY out of place!

Page 101 – Really getting zany now with the pizza delivery stuff.  Again, as I said earlier, if this is the direction you want this to go in, you have to do it from page 1.  It could work if that’s the way it was, but it wasn’t.  As is, it just feels really weird now.

Page 102 – “We could all give chase in the RV, thus initiating a wild finale.” – HaHa…funny, indeed.  It works for me, but as I keep saying…it only works if this is the tone of the entire script/movie.  The first 50 or so pages need reworking…extensive reworking!

Page 103 – “…sits an outdoor…” – missing “at”.

Page 105 – “rubs” – “runs”

Page 112 – No need for “Credits Roll”.


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Hi Pia and Jeff! Thanks for the read and comments. I really appreciate it.
Hmm, where to start...ok, it seems I goofed with this script. I was pretty happy with how it turned out, re the story and action. Methinks some re-write is on the cards.

The major point was the second half upping the zaniness. This was exactly what I was trying to do. I think the first third of it labours because when I wrote that, the script wasn't planned to be as crazy. As I said earlier, the original idea was for a quite violent story, with dashes of comedy. Jeff read the initial 20 pages and said it didn't gel. So i went back, erased all guns, swearing(there was heaps of fucks, etc).
Ok, that was fine but i see now I didn't adjust the surrounding sentences accordingly.
A good example was when Slick confronts Taylor on the highway. He originally jumped out, jammed a gun in 'his' face and says...'Fuck off weirdo'. Taylor looks calmly at the barrel of the gun and says...'Looks like your gun is bigger than mine - for now'. Then he speeds off.
So th efirst 30 or 40 pages still arc back a bit to the original idea. I did try and make the start a bit funnier, by having antonio fall overt the fence, that sort of thing.
Corey was originally Connor(missed one there) and originally Slick has the gun in his face whilst getting info, ditto for the sales clerk.

Once I decided to go for pure comedy, I tried to make th esituations more unreal. Sure, in real life there would be search parties in the GC but that wasn't important here.
I was kind fond of Jack and Rose, and thought they were ok.
Um, i'm just throwing out stuff here....Jeff, i can't believe you don't know the TV show, 'supernatural'? Its huge here in Oz.
Yeah, Pop and Henry did get boring after awhile. Actually, some of the Jaws lines fit with the current conversation, by accident. I need a way for Tommy to find the briefcase so used Henry's suitcase there.

The biggest surprise for me was that yiu guys thought everyone sounded like an aussie? wow, to me, th e weakest part of the script was that I didn't use Jason and Brent as more Aussielike! To me, they might as well be American, because nothing they really say or do, to me is classic Australian. Originally, when the story was darker, Jason was gonna be a heavy drinker come over to the US to dry out a bit. and their parents were gonna be going through a seperation. But of course, once i took the comedy route, all that shit went out.
I better finish up, this is getting too long...thanks again guys! If you can suggest more chnages I can make to improve, please YELL out! I really think this is maybe the best script I've done so far, and I think it can become something. cheers

PS - Jeff , the Celine Dion stuff is like a running gag thing. evryone like paying out on her!
PPS- re Andrea, yeah she is sort of a nothing character. I wanted her to cause friction between the brothers but I was running out of space.




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Finally, my first 7WC review! And a good script to start with, too. Not particularly Christmassy, but then I suppose Christmas IS 362 days away...

Okay, I haven’t reviewed a feature in a while. In fact, I haven’t reviewed ANYTHING in a while, so forgive me if I’m a little rusty. When I reviewed Jeff’s Fade to White I split the review up into numbered topics and exhausted them one by one, so I think I’ll do that for this script, too. I’ve glanced at the other reviews, and read the end of Jeff’s, so apologies if I overlap or repeat. Oh, and also, I started doing page-by-page notes, but couldn’t keep them going, so stopped. There are typos in a few places, but I’m sure you’ll be able to catch them in subsequent drafts (watch out for incorrect apostrophes in ‘Aussies’).

I'm actually going to split this up into 3 broad sections - CHARACTERS, DIALOGUE, and TONE. Let me preface all of this by saying that overall, I enjoyed it. It was fast, and funny, but I feel that at the moment, there are things wrong with it. It's standard first draft syndrome, in fact - there's too much here, and the main thing I'm suggesting is cuts and focussing. I really like the basic premise - holidaying Aussies happen to have $3m stashed in their RV, causing them to hunted down by a variety of people after the money - but I feel that good idea is in danger of being drowned out. There's potential here, you'll just have to be ruthless to expose it.

Right, here we go. Brace yourself - this is long.

1. CHARACTERS

To put it simply, in my opinion, you have too many. I quickly listed the notable characters (by which I mean those that get any real screen-time), and the list came to 21. That's a lot for one movie - in an epic sci-fi or fantasy film maybe, but not in a road-trip comedy. So, my general thinking is this: you need to slash the total, and do more with the ones you keep. At the moment, it seems you added a character whenever you thought the script needed something new, instead of utilising the ones you already have. The end result is that the script feels crowded, and EVERY character feels underdeveloped, which isn't surprising given that by the end they're fighting for space. Fewer people, more personalities.

Right, now I'm going to focus on specific areas.

- SLICK: Potentially a good character, and I really like his name (although, and I noticed this happened with the brothers, too - you don't give us their names for a while). However, I think some of the things he does and, in particular, says, causes him to come across as a bit muddled. I'll come back to this in 'TONE', but I'd love to see a far more violent Slick. A Chigurh-type character, rather than what you have at the moment. Calling people 'my good man', referencing the Terminator films...those moments sap his villany. Have him ruthlessly blow Corey and the sales clerk away, be much sharper with his two hapless goons, and I think it'll work better. Not only will he come across as a more focussed, clear character, but it'll also heighten our concern for the inhabitants of the RV if we genuinely feel that the guy following them is dangerous.

- ANDREA: As others have said, I really do feel you missed a trick by not developing Andrea as a romantic interest for at least one, and most probably both, of the brothers. You specifically introduce her as a "pretty brunette". and then proceed to do exactly zilch with her in a romantic sense. Like I said, do more with what you have, rather than continuing to add more. You have two young Aussies on holiday and a pretty girl, and nothing happens! The absence of a romantic element is actually quite striking, which means I can only assume you deliberately chose to exclude it - I'd say that was the wrong move.

- THE BROTHERS: didn't seem particularly 'brothery', I have to say. Even at their meeting in the airport - where's the hug, man?! Also, having them shout their names to attract each other's attention would give them to us straight away, which is always a bonus. I never really got much sense of a connection, of a shared history, between these two. Again, I think that's a weakness. Another problem is that they're too similar - apart from superficial differences, like one liking the Beatles and the other not, they're really just the same person with different names. They need distinct character traits to distinguish them from each other. As I've been saying: fewer people, more personalities.

- CHARACTERS THAT SHOULD GO: I think there are a number of characters who add very little, and should therefore go. The first is Henry. You actually wouldn't miss him at all. Next - and this is, in a way, a shame, since they have some funny moments - is Jack and Rose. I know they're involved at the end, but I'll come to that in 'TONE'. I just don't think they do much. You feature them a lot, but ultimately I think they're just one single gag that you drag out for far too long. Matt the gas-station attendant should go, as should the whole 'Matt Damon' thing. Serves no real purpose, just another distraction from the main plot.

I also think you could ditch two of Pepita, Steakhouse, Reynolds and Taylor - probably Reynolds and Steakhouse, if I'm honest. I like the idea of a third group, but my suggestion is that you set it up like this: Pepita is a waitress who serves the main group, overhears them talking about the briefcase. She runs to tell her cop boyfriend, Taylor, and the two of them decide to give chase to grab the money for themselves. I know that's drastically different to what you have now, but at the moment this thing is crowded, and I think cutting and streamlining will help improve it overall.

I personally would also dispense of the Fabs, although I can see you being reluctant to do that. Generally, by the way, I think the Beatles references grated - I know they mean a lot to you, but they feel out of place and stick out in this particular script, Others may feel differently, but they felt gratuitous and (this sounds harsh but isn't supposed to be) self-indulgent.

So, that would be a total of 10 characters cut - half your cast, in fact. That would leave you with Jason, Brent, Andrea, Tommy, Pop, Slick and his two goons, and the third group of Taylor and Pepita. A much more manageable total of 11. That is all, of course, my opinion.

- GENERAL POINTS ABOUT CHARACTER: they're all a bit...isolated? Not really the right word. But what I mean about that is that the interactions between them don't really seem to carry any weight. The brothers don't seem very close, but there's no conflict between them, either. There's no real warmth between the trio of Andrea, Tommy and Pop. Slick isn't menacing enough towards his henchmen. Andrea should be a romantic interest for at least one of the brothers, but isn't. At the moment not only do all of the characters seem to similar, but the relationships between them do, too. There's no real group dynamics - he hates him, she's attracted to him, and so on.

The flip-side of that is that there is no real sense of conflict between characters, or character development of any kind. Characters don't necessarily have to grow in a script; they can end it pretty much the same person they started. But I think they have to experience SOME sort of change, there has to be some sign that the events they have witnessed have had some sort of an impact on them. A romantic link between Andrea and one of the brothers, and the jealousy / competition that could cause, would be a big starting point. Pop needs more than just film references...maybe he can really not get on with one of the brothers. You know the kind of thing I mean. Andrea and Tommy are recently orphaned, but there's no real evidence of that - I'd like to see some sort of emotional fall-out of that, Andrea struggling to be the one now caring for Tommy. Those are just suggestions, but I hope you see what I mean,

Fewer people, more personalities.

2. DIALOGUE

As others have said, it's clear that the author of this is Australian. Too clear, in fact. Don't get me wrong, I like the Aussie way of speaking, but when you have Aussie characters and American characters you have to make sure the two sound different, and you haven't done that here. The Aussies are too American and the Americans use 'Aussie-isms'. The main one is 'crim', a word we don't use here in the UK and they don't use in the US.

The movie references were too much for me. I've already highlighted the one Slick makes, and I think cutting Jack and Rose and their Titanic stuff would be a good move. Henry quotes Supernatural, which I don't think is universal enough (I've never seen it), but then I think he should go anyway (if you only take one of my suggestions, then please cut Henry. He adds absolutely nothing). I think having Pop just quote Jaws becomes old, fast. It began to feel like you were scraping the barrel for quotes by the end. My suggestion is this: have the reaction be that he can only talk in movie quotes, and then every time he does one the others work out what it is. They'd have to be well-known quotes from well-known films, and it would also be good if they were always relevant to exactly what is happening at the time. I think that could work better.

The other thing about dialogue really ties back into the last point I made in 'CHARACTER'. The character dynamics are all too similar, so the way they speak to each other is too similar, too. Slick should snarl at his henchmen, Jason and Brent should be flirtatious with Andrea, Pop should be affectionate towards Tommy. The dialogue needs more variety.

3. TONE

Jeff wants you to up the slapstick, taking this more down the Rat Race route. I want you to go the other way.

I think your original plan was, actually, the right one - a violent action-comedy, Tarantino / Coen brothers style. A black comedy, featuring moments of graphic violence but also snappy, amusing exchanges, with a menacing, psychotic Slick, a bent cop and his whiny waitress girlfriend, two brothers after the same girl and a pill-popping senior citizen who farts and can only speak in movie quotes. You have 'Fargo in the desert' here, and I think you should embrace that. In fact, turn Slick into Chigurh and you have the beginnings of a darkly comedic version of No Country for Old Men.

Have Slick kill Corey and the sales clerk at the start and we'll instantly be in the groove. Ray and Antonio can still be bumbling fools, but Slick can be impatient with them. At one point he says he may well shoot one of them, but as it stands I didn't really buy that. The menacing figure of Lucas in the background, like the Ralph Fiennes character in In Bruges, often spoken of but not seen until the end. Condense the Steakhouse/Taylor/Pepita/Reynolds strand into a story about a small-town waitress and her cop boyfriend trying to chase down money to escape their confined existence. A bickering couple, only together because there's hardly any eligible partners in their town, brought closer together by the end even though they fail to get the money (which, by the way, needs to be properly resolved at the end. In Rat Race the money is eventually donated to charity. I think a similar conclusion would work here - make sure none of the characters end up with it). Add more 'oomph' to the relationship between the other characters. Take out the Skywalk, the colliding helicopters, all the over-the-top stuff. Find the comedy in sharp exchanges, moments of unexpected brutality, character dynamics.

Those were your original intentions, if I understand you correctly. Well, you were right. At the moment this reads like a cheeky road-trip comedy in the vein of Rat Race. I'd much prefer the 'Fargo in the desert' version.

4. OTHER STUFF

Just a few quick notes:

- The super at the start, showing the time and date, is completely unnecessary.
- It's never clear enough exactly who Lucas is, exactly who Corey is, and where the briefcase of money came from in the first place. No Country for Old Men was a drug deal gone wrong; you need something like that.
- Big moments - the collision between the RVs, Ray's crash off the cliff - aren't big enough. The description of them is lacking. Use more charged verbs than 'hit ' - 'slam', 'smash', 'crash', that kind of thing.
- The phone conversations: you don't need '(beat)' every time the person at the other end speaks. The dialogue should tell us when there are interruptions. Use ellipses, if you like,
- The 'goat nips' / killer roos lines feel like unneccessary 'nudge nudge wink wink' moments, which no-one outside of SS will get. Believe me when I say you genuinely can look to do something with this, so ditch 'em.

-----------------

Okay, that's it. I think I'm done. There are may well be something I've missed, in which case I'll post again. Well done for finishing the challenge, and like I said at the start, I did enjoy this. Your premise is good, there's just too much going on.

- Cut and streamline.
- Fewer people, more personalities.
- More interesting dynamics, varied dialogue exchanges.
- Make the Aussies more Aussie, the Americans more American.
- Tone down the slapstick, embrace the black humour.

If you follow any of my advice, I understand you'd need a fairly drastic rewrite. Whole chunks would have to be cut or rewritten, whole sequences would go, and the last 30 or so pages would need to be done again from scratch. I understand if you go down Jeff's more zany, slapstick route. But I urge you to revisit your original intentions, and turn this into the blackly comedic story it could be.

Well done again!


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JonnyBoy  -  December 29th, 2009, 1:07am
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stevie
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wow, Jonny, that is an awesome review! Shit, they all have been...

I could almost do two versions of this script - one comedy and the other violent.
Yeah, as I said earlier, this was originally meant to be violent and funny. And it was set at xmas until the harsh Arizona winter raised it's ugly head.
I wanted to try a really full on action film, which I hadn't done before, with deaths, etc.
So I did 20 pages - Slick had a gun and was more menacing, there was loads of swearing. Jason was a piss head and their parents were in the throes of divorce ( i had a subplot worked that Adam Vale was a crooked lawyer, in deep with Lucas). all this was ok but I was still throwing in funny stuff, because that is my biggest strength in writing - I can't help it, lines have to be funny to me despite the genre.
Ok, so Jeff read these first 20 and said the mixture of serious and comedy jarred too much. So i took - for me - the easy way out, and made it pure comedy.

Some of the stuff was made up as I typed, others were carefully planned. I knowed I goofed with Pop and the Jaws thing, but I wanted to make the whole thing as wacky as possible.
Jonny, you have give me much food for thought, as have Jeff and Pia. Your idea for Peppy and Taylor (damn, i love these characters I've created!) is very good.
Shit I'm torn now, as to what to do...
I've already had some good ideas to making the first 40 pages as bent as the rest - zombies, weed, maybe.
I'm worried though, that writing a darker, more violent script could be beyond me. I will always have that urge to put the comedy in. i might have to watch some of the films you mention, to get a better perspective.

Anyway, Jonny, thanks again for the kind words and tips. I'm gonna print this thread to really study all the helpful comments. Oh, and kudos again to you for being the force behind this challenge.
At the very least, we all have a script that would nveer have been done.  Cheers bro!



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Dreamscale
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Got to throw this out here, and in no way any disregrad to Jonny.

I could not disagree more with Jonny's advice.  This script screams comedy.  Stevie is a comedy writer.  Write this as a full blown, crazy, zany comedy, just like the last 40 or 50 pages is.

Write what you know.  Write what you like.  Master your strengths before you embark into a genre you're not comfortable with (and is very difficult, as well).

Trust me here, buddy!  (Sorry Jonny!)


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No worries, Jeff. I understand your reasoning, even if I disagree with your conclusion.

What we CAN agree on, I hope, is that as it stands this script falls between two stools - it's neither one thing nor the other, but a confused mix of the two. Whichever way Stevie decides to take it (and there's nothing wrong with what you suggested), a more definite, assured tone will be a big improvement.


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Agreed.  But as it stands now, there's basically no serious, hard boiled violence at all, but there is 50 odd pages of over the top, zany, slapstick comedy.


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Sandra Elstree.
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Woohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

I'm not going to waste my time writing a bunch of stupid notes on a bloody gude script.  

I love it so much!!!! And you made my day!!!!

There's a few typos. Even ones I absolutely enjoyed.

Like-

The Taylor on page 8. Dang it on that Find/Replace all. Gets us every time.

Here,

>SLICK
Ok..Ray, you stay in the car,
keep it running. Antonio, go
take a dump. I'll handle things
here.

Made me laugh so hard, but I was laughing throughout the entire script.

Here, I'd almost forgotten about him:

EXT. COLORADO RIVER - DAY

Remnants of the Kenworth and Rx-7 litter the water.
Suddenly, Slick breaks the surface, gasping for breath.
He swims tiredly across the current, to a pebbly beach.
He crawls out, lies panting. His body is battered and
bruised.

SLICK
(whispers)
Won't...get
away...from...me...that easily...
He rolls over, stares up the sides of the Canyon. It's all
calm, serene...

**As luck would have it:

>The medic gets in, attaches an IV drip to the patient...
Slick. Reynolds and Taylor are kissing, so don't notice him.

**

Oh Stevie, you don't even know what a joy you brought to my day. I just laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. And Michael knows how that can go.

Really, I could probably dig deep and find some kind of errors, but I see no need for that at all. The only problem I see is that your set up in the beginning with the tone needs to be fixed so that we know what we're in for. Fix this to grab attention and you'll have her beat.

This script delivers!!! Major!!! Big Time!!! And I would definitely recommend it to anyone.

Way to go!!! I am so very proud of the fact that a writer like you is with me in virtual space here on Simply.

You get 7



And another

11



Sandra





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stevie
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Sandra, thanks for the kind word and the PM. Its made MY day that you had a grouse time reading it!
I know it has a lot of faults that can hammered out but its great that you dig it as is.

Jeff and Jonny...wow, this is feedback of the highest calibre! Imagine you guys were directors fighting over Headlong - awesome!

I've been thinking about it overnight. I don't really see myself doing a serious version - maybe at a later date. I'm gonna sit on the script for a few weeks, let it freshen up in my head a bit. Thanks for all the wonderful tips!

I mentioned in the 2010 goals thread that I wanted to try a horror script - maybe I could turn Headlong into a zombie story...

Cheeers to all.



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NO ZOMBIE STORY, Stevie!  NO!!!!!!


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Quoted from Dreamscale
NO ZOMBIE STORY, Stevie!  NO!!!!!!


Not even a zombie hitch hiker the boys pick up? Perhaps he could have the 3 mill in a tattered backpack from Hell.  It would still be a comedy.



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Sandra Elstree.
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Quoted from stevie


I don't really see myself doing a serious version - maybe at a later date. I'm gonna sit on the script for a few weeks, let it freshen up in my head a bit.

I mentioned in the 2010 goals thread that I wanted to try a horror script - maybe I could turn Headlong into a zombie story...

Cheeers to all.


Stevie,

Please-please-please don't ever write a serious HEADLONG script.

Here's some inspiration on a zombie theme:

A zombie and Frankenstein dance to I Feel Fine with new lyrics inserted below. Te-he.





Zombie Girl and Karmic Frankenstein

Zombie's good to me you know
She's happy as can be you know
She said so
I'm in love; I'm Karmic Frankenstein

Zombie says she's mine you know
She tells me all the time you know
She said so
I'm in love with her and I feel fine

She's so glad
She's telling all the world
That her baby buys her ribbons you know
To wrap herself in topped a bow
She said so

I'm in love; I'm Karmic Frankenstein
I'm so glad that she's my zombie girl
She's so glad
That ghouls will rule the world

And Frankie buys her things you know
He takes her to the Rocky Horror picture show
She said so
Zombie girl and Karmic Frankenstein



Sandra





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Sandra, that is magnificent! Top song by the boys too. The first use of feedback ever.

I had a few zombie ideas that would be seperate from Headlong.
One was having the Beatles landing in New York on that historic day in 1964, and the city is gripped in a zombie outbreak. Could be an amusing short...

Another was a full blown zombie epic, in which the last surving humans escape to the past in a time machine, only for a couple of zombies to be sucked through with them. Then you could have all this mayhem occurring in different eras - the Middle Ages, WW2, etc. Dunno, just some random thoughts.




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FORGET THE FRICKIN' ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


ARGH!!!!!!


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Sorry bud, but it's zombie collab time for you and this little black duck. I'll get some stuff written tonight and send 'em over.



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Sandra Elstree.
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Quoted from stevie
Sandra, that is magnificent! Top song by the boys too. The first use of feedback ever.

I had a few zombie ideas that would be seperate from Headlong.
One was having the Beatles landing in New York on that historic day in 1964, and the city is gripped in a zombie outbreak. Could be an amusing short...

Another was a full blown zombie epic, in which the last surving humans escape to the past in a time machine, only for a couple of zombies to be sucked through with them. Then you could have all this mayhem occurring in different eras - the Middle Ages, WW2, etc. Dunno, just some random thoughts.


You've got me really excited!!! I can't think of anything more glorious right now than The Beatles meets The Zombies!!!  

Sandra



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This was a fun ride. I must say I enjoyed this quite a bit but there is room for some improvement here and there. A lot of things that I noted have already been mentioned so bear with me.

First off, it seems far fetched that the criminals would hide the money in any old RV in hope that someone doesn't rent it. They wouldn't take that chance. Maybe you should change it so that the RV they hide it in is an old one that's falling apart, or a horrible colour so they think nobody would possibly rent it and their money would be safe  for the time being.

It’s obvious that the characters are the main problem here. I agree with the others that Tommy sounds exactly like an adult and it is staggering that Andrea is not involved romantically in any way with the Aussie brothers. I had also noted word for word what Jonny said, the brothers are the exact same except only one of them likes the Beatles. You need to work on them so their personalities are different. I’ve got mixed feelings about Jack and Rose. I didn’t like their fascination about Titanic, but I thought the scene with the Celine Dion song playing was hilarious. They did play a part in the ending but I’m 50/50 if they should stay or go. I thought some of the Jaws quotes were funny but I’ve never seen Supernatural so that all went over my head. I too think that you should make them quote from different famous movies and make the quote fit in with the conversation at the time, there’s potential for some more funny moments.

My main problem was with the bad guys. Slick letting Corey go was kind of weak. They don't have to kill him after he tells them the information, but maybe he could get his guys to beat him up badly, you know, just something to show us they mean business early in the script. I know there is no violence but you could even have this happen off screen. Show us what lengths he will go to for this money. The other two disappeared fairly quickly and had zero impact. Then you switch the focus to Steakhouse and co, who never really convinced me they were bad or clever enough to steal the money from the brothers. Then Slick returned for the finale when I thought you had forgotten all about him. I also noted that I was confused by your character description for Slick. You described him as a hefty man, which I thought was more than a few pounds overweight. Yet, he’s some sort of karate expert. This didn’t fit for me.

Your writing was fine, spare a few typos and grammar issues. The story made me laugh. That’s the important thing. Work on your characters and this can only get better. Congratulations for completing the challenge on time! Good Job.

Happy New Year!

Brian
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stevie
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Hi Brian. Thnaks for the read and kind words.
I've been doing some brainstorming the last few days, seeing how I will change things in this.
I'm defintely gonna cut Henry. out and the jaws quotes. i had planned to make Andrea a romantic interest - and the earlier scenes hinted at it - but i couldn't arsed as it was gonna get in the way of the script's fast pace. Also it was getting too long!
I had thought of ditching her altogether, and having just Tommy and Pop. Or make andrea a real tough sort of chick, who could be even a bit scary to handle.

Um, just  some quick points - Corey is panicing at the start and just hides the money in the nearest spot - he plans to come back and get it asap. I did have an idea that the RV is an old wreck the boys get as part of a dead relative's estate or something - they find the money in there with maybe a dead body attached to it?
also had another(silly?) idea that the boys pick up a zombie hiker early on, with the money in a backpack. they get rid of him, find the money, the signal activates and the chase is on. I want to set the scene early for the zaniniess to follow.

anyway, I'm gonna let it sit for awhile and get back to it. cheers again Brian.



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stevie
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Here's some pics of the RV that inspired Headlong. It was a 1979 Ford Econovan I bought in L.A in 1997 and drove across the States to New York, over three months in 1997.
We did 11,000 miles and didn't have any real trouble with it. The RV was named PLUGGER, after former AFL champion Tony Lockett.

This is at Mission Bay, SanDiego.

Zion National Park, Utah.

  Gettysburg Battlefield National Park.

Cape Cod.

These pics are taken with the 'old' film cameras - remember them?!



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Dreamscale
Posted: December 31st, 2009, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Sweet stuff, Stevie! Ah, the memories, huh?

2010 is around the corner, in this corner of the world.  Hope it plays out better than the Hell Hole that was 2009...and 2008...and 2007...and...ah fuck, let's just hope it's a BIGGIE!

Happy New Year!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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stevie
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Happy New Year to you too, buddy. Hope it goes well for you.



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sniper
Posted: January 5th, 2010, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Yo, Stevie my man.

First of all, congrats on finishing your 7-week-feature, that in itself is impressive. Second, I’ve got some stuff to say about your script – most of it will not be nice unfortunately – but I mean well and hopefully you’ll find it helpful (remember, this is just my humble opinion – it’s neither right nor wrong).

I had a real problem with finishing this script. The first 50-60 pages dragged on forever, even though you set up the plot pretty quick (or at least what I thought the plot would be). It did get a little better toward the end but at that point I had simply lost interest. Somewhere during the writing of this script, you fell in love with weirdos and you just couldn’t stop bringing in more of them. Granted, some of them were funny – for a while – but most of them just destroyed your story.

The biggest problem I had with the story was I didn’t know where you were going with it. What was the plot? What was the hook? Had you focused on the chase then it could have worked but the brothers didn’t know that they were being chased for the better part of the script so there was never any real tension to it. Instead you bring in all these weird characters that serve no purpose other than making a mess of the plot and sidetracking everything. A good chase flick should be a straight road with a shitload of speed bumps. This, on the other hand, felt like you were stuck in a roundabout.

Right from the get-go, in the opening scene, I had a huge problem with the fact that case had a tracking devise on it…but still Slick and his crew had no idea where it was. It really felt like a waste of time for them to interrogate the car-rental guy – because all they learned was some info that we (the readers) already knew. This “plothole” (if you can call it that) really marred the rest of the script for me because it made the whole point of the chase seem…stupid.

Another problem I had was the dialogue – not nessecarily the dialogue itself but the sheer amount of it, specifically the sheer amount of the dialogue that led nowhere. Pretty much every scene in this script ran too long, mostly because of everyone constantly commenting on everything that was going on when really no dialogue was needed. It was like these guys and gals were always trying to get one last word in before the scene ended. That’s a big no-no. Get in late, leave early. Granted, exposition is needed once in a while to further the plot development but keep it short, keep it tight – no need to have characters explain what can be shown.

This little scene from page 22, while being far from the only one, clearly demonstrates the problem:


Quoted from Headlong
INT. RV - CONTINUOUS

Brent sees Slick's RV move across his path.

           BRENT
      What the...?


Fair enough – I would probably react the same way

           JASON
      Same model as this one.


Your first reaction to a pending crash would be what kind of car you’re about to crash into? Jason should really not talk in this scene.

           TOMMY
      He's trying to block us!


We’ve got eyes, kid. Tommy shouldn’t talk either

           BRENT
      Shit, we're gonna...


Duh!


All you really need in the said scene is this:


Quoted from Headlong
INT. RV - CONTINUOUS
Brent sees Slick's RV move across his path.
        
           BRENT
      What the...?

He slams his foot to the metal. The RV hurtles towards the shrinking gap
between Slick's RV and the fence.


Too many things are just explained to death. Take the med-side effects for example, when Brent asks Tommy about the side effects, Tommy should just say: “Wait and see” – why spoil it? On a related note, I liked the Jaws quotes as a gimmick, but they don’t work at all because none of them actually mean anything within the context of the specific scenes. The Vampire/Supernatural stuff though? Forgetaboutit. Lose it as fast as you can.

In respect of characters, yeah, you’ve got a lot. Not a problem in itself if the characters had been either a) interesting or b) plot-relevant (or preferably both). Yeah, some of them were interesting – or could have been – but most of them were just there for sake of being there. Lose Henry immediately. Why was he even in it? He does nothing for the story. Same can be said for Jack and Rose and that Matt Damon lookalike guy – they add nothing to the story that would even remotely justify their existence – yes, they could be interesting characters if they had any bearing on the plot, instead of just being along for the ride. If you really wanna make me happy you’ll lose Pop too, and if you lose him we can finally get rid of Tommy and Andrea. Tommy talks and carries himself like he’s 20 – and I don’t care for his line about “he’s 12 and knows everything”. BS. 12-year olds know nothing about anything. Andrea, while being a cardboard cut-out, could actually work if, you know, you gave her something to do. Others have mentioned making her a love interest and I think that would be a nice way of making her interesting. Obviously that would require a resculptering of the brothers – something you need to do regardless, cos’ Brason (yeah, I couldn’t tell Brent or Jason apart) are as dull and under developed as they come. These are your main characters – your leading men, but the only thing they were leading me to was to sleep. Please, you need to make these guys interesting in an either cool, bad-ass or funny kind of way – then add some conflict between them.

Road trip movies – at least the good ones (Planes, Trains & Automobiles, Midnight Run, Little Miss Sunshine) – always focus on the personal conflict of the main character(s). Sure, there’s a lot of stuff going on around them but the goal is always for them to solve some personal stuff. In your script, the main focus is on the stuff around them which ultimately means that there’s no real growth to these guys. This also means that they end up like they started – an adventure richer, sure - but still the same ol’ guys.

Then you have the Tranny, the Spick and the Tub of Lard, Reynolds, The Fabs and God knows how many others. To me, all of them were pointless in the context of the current story…or at least what I perceive the story to be.

Btw. why is Pepita constantly saying “Merde”? “Merde” is French. “Mierda” is Spanish.

But, hey, if you’re satisfied with the script as is, Stevie, then please disregard what I’ve written. If you want to turn this into something worth reading, then I think you need to go back to the drawing board. You already have the hook – the chase for the money – keep that, focus on that but please stay away from all the things that doesn’t drive the story forward. And add some conflict. Conflict is king.

Sorry, Stevie, but this just didn’t work for me AT ALL. I wish I could be a little more positive about it, because you obviously put in a lot of work here and I hate to put it down, but as a whole it just didn’t reach me.

Anyway, I want to congratulate you on finishing another feature but, like I said, this one imo. needs a lot of work.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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stevie
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Hi Rob! Thanks for the read and review. I'm sorry you didn't like it as much as I thought you might! I honestly thought you'd dig it, as you liked some of my other funny stuff.
But I see whereby people have pointed out the weaker parts of the script, and I appreciate the feedback and help.
As I've said earlier, a lot of the second half of the script was cranked up to rasie the wacky factor. The problem is I didin't change the first half enough to accomodate that.
Some of the plot lines suffer from this, notably the tracking device idea. Originally, the crooks take an identical RV so they can swap it unseen for the boy's campervan - Slick doesn't want to cause undue attention. The RV's had tracking devices in them(from the sales clek to stop stealing). There was no device in the money, I changed that later cos there was logistic probs - I had to keep the crooks from catching up too quickly.
The device in the briefcase was put in at the last minute but I didn't really configure it well enough.
I have some ideas for the re-write - I'll give the brothers more distinct personalities. Maybe Jason will be a stoner who's irrestible to chicks. I will ditch Henry as suggested by everyone! I'm keen to keep Andrea but she will be tougher, and Pop can still be good value(though minus the quotes)
A few people have commented negatively on Jack and Rose but I feel they bring some good humour to the script, and I'm quite fond of them. The Matt Damon thing(was originally Gerge Clooney), sure, its nothing for the story but, well, you know how it is.
Jeff said I need to make the opening scenes as zany as the rest of it, to set the tone. I think this has been a prob, so when I can fix it, things will be more clearer. It seems some people are possibly looking at this overall too seriously - its meant to almost a parody of road trip movies - I never look for too much substance in it, only in comedic terms.
Thanks agaiin, Rob. Cheers buddy.



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sniper
Posted: January 5th, 2010, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi Rob! Thanks for the read and review. I'm sorry you didn't like it as much as I thought you might! I honestly thought you'd dig it, as you liked some of my other funny stuff.

Stevie, I love your crazy comedies - but as shorts. For a feature it needs more meat - preferably love handles (but that's just me).

Btw. why aren't there any Crocodile Dundee jokes in there?


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load

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sniper  -  January 5th, 2010, 7:18pm
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greg
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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Hi Stevie,

Like the main story, this one was kind of a road trip to me because, even though I got from A to B, there were some potholes along the way - some bigger than others.

Let me start by saying it was a fun script for the most part.  There were some real LOLZ moments and some creative character quirks along with a blend of action/comedy/gross-out weirdness.  However, my main problem with the story is that it took a long while for it to really get going.  I felt that the real LOL moments were few and far between in the first half before it finally took off and I found myself enjoying it more.  The initial setup comes real quick but the real comedy does not.  When Brent and Jason are on the road and they encounter Taylor, I lol'd pretty good.  But it was a good while before I felt like lolling again.

Another problem with the first half is that along with the laughs coming at a sluggish pace, alllll these characters were introduced and it just kind of gives a headache after a while because so many of their development was thin.  A plus, however, is that I found it easy to follow them.  All of them actually.  Which doesn't happen with me very often when there's a lot of characters involved.  I felt everyone had their own little quirks and once I got to know them a bit they were easy to follow - but that's just it.  That's all I knew about them.  There's no real back story about these characters, especially our two main characters in Brent and Jason.  I would have liked to know more about them and just know who they are and what they're about.

A film that this reminds me of is Rat Race or It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.  Lots of characters, but you knew who these people were.  I think for this story to work there needs to be more development of the characters that you choose to keep(should you choose to keep them all).  Henry I think can go.  He didn't really serve much purpose.  Like at all.  The bad guys could use some more differentiation.  Ray and Antonio were too similar to me.  The way I was actually able to differentiate them was when Antonio had to take a shit.  And then Ray fell down the hill - twice.  It looks like some people had problems with the others but IMO I liked them however there DOES need to be more development.  Get Andrea to get interested in one of the brothers.  

When the script got going in the second half it was more enjoyable.  You brought a lot of slapstick, screwball, and off-the-wall humor to the table and it blended well.  You just need to bring it in earlier.  The goofy characters, the bizarre accidents, and crazy quirks.  These need to start sooner.  I liked the Matt Damon look-alike.  I liked Jack and Rose.  I lol'd a lot when Ray fell off the cliff for the second time and said "shit, not again." Good stuff, but the wackiness just needs to start sooner.

The ending when Reynolds discovered Taylor's "secret" was brilliantly executed.  I kept waiting and anticipated it and you really delivered.  Now that's how you end a story my friend.  Kind of reminded me of the Some Like it Hot ending when Jack Lemmon reveals he's a guy and the rich dude who's courting him responds with "No one's perfect."  Well done on that.

So overall the first half was frustrating.  The second half saw a lot more lolz and everything flowed nicely.  My main advice to you is to get the slapstick going early and develop these people some more.  And you have to have Pops saying "smile you ugly son of a bitch" at some point.  For 7 weeks I am very impressed.  I think with a rewrite you'll have a fine comedy nugget on your hands.  Nicely done.  If you have any questions or if anything wasn't clear, please let me know!

-Greg


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stevie
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 5:26am Report to Moderator
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Hi Greg. Thanks for the read and insightful comments. This is the first time we've 'spoken' so...gidday!
As stated before, i need to make the opening scenes of the same wackiness. It still harks back to how I originally planned the story to go.
Mate, that is unreal what you said about Some Like it Hot! That was exactly the effect I was after! All during the writing, I knew the final line would be Pop's. Joe E Brown says the classic line in the MM film.
Ironic there, too, cos I'm a Marilyn fan! Not as fanatical as my Beatle worship but I've visited her grave and read all the books about her( and yes, I do belive RFK had her murdered...)

I'm glad you liked Jack and Rose - so did i! And I was fond of the Matt Damon thing. I was aiming for the crazy type of movies you mentioned, andwell, these guests pop up in those type of flicks.
I have some ideas for the brother's characters to be more interesting, and Andrea will become a thorn between them. Antonio and Ray are too similiar but I don't want to really cut one - I'lll have to think of a colorful trait for each to have.
I'm thinking of cutting the Lucas/crime boss thing anyway, and making the three small time guys. But Slick still thinks he's a big fish so his chase can still be entertaining.
i'mm pretty sure you read all the challnege scripts, Greg? Mate, great effort! Cheers again.

Ps - Love SD, stayed there one night in the RV, on Mission Bay(there's a photo a few posts up). Went to Sea World before heading off to Arizona.



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Andrew
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 5:31am Report to Moderator
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Hello mate, hope you're well.

Awesome pics of the camper - I want to do that very same drive.

Looking forward to reading your script.

Andrew


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stevie
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Hey Andrew! Good to hear from you. I see you're partying hard in Singapore!
Are you heading to Oz?

Yeah, that was an awesome trip.The US road trip was only the beginning. We flew to London after that and bummed around Scotland and Europe. Aah sweet memories...



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Andrew
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Well, I'm interviewing for a production company in the next couple of weeks here, and if I get it, then I'll live and work here in Sg - if not, I shall be headed to Oz in February for a year.

Those travels sound pretty damn awesome, mate. Part of me wants drive up that east coast of yours, just for the end of summer, so I'll let fate play its part.

Andrew


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Blakkwolfe
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Well, that was fun...According to some scholars and theory geeks, that chord is a Fadd9...

A nice homage to road classics like Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit and It's A Mad, Mad World, only with your own set of colorful oddballs to populate this wacky adventure...

Brent and Jason are the straight men (somewhat literally) with the only character trait being the fact that they are Austrailian, contrasting that with the Four Hotdog chompin' Steakhouse, the delightful Pepita, the monster obsessed Henry and the Jaws man, Pops...Might have liked to see something more specific about Andrea, too...Maybe a love interest for Brent or Jason- as it is, she is just a vehicle to get Henry and Pops into the R.V.

Liked adding the Beatles...It's your script-why the hell not? Let the imagination run rampant, like Slick trying to escape the falling observation deck...Also liked the running gag about the monsterous kangaroos...

I think some of the dialogue could be trimmed, doing more with gestures and expressions.

Confusing in some areas, juggling all these different characters, especially towards the end at Lucas's house. Suspected for a minute that Adam was Lucas, but nope...

The Deliverance flavored scene at the bottom of the canyon was funny...If you could incorporate Slick into that scenario instead of the two innocent guys, that might be a better payoff.

The common link between Henry (Vampire Line) then Pops (Jaws Line) got a little monotonous...they shouldn't always follow each other, especially if Henry acts on his convictions that he really is fighting vampires...(reminded me somewhat of Teddy Roosevelt in Arsenic & Old Lace, another classic in that regard...)

Some of the terminology is still British, but that easy enough to fix...We don't say "arse", we say A S S , and a few other things like that.

Nothing to do with Christmas, really, but that's alright...It was a fun ride and got some laughs. Thanks for posting it, and good job meeting the deadline of the challenge.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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greg
Posted: January 6th, 2010, 10:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi Greg. Thanks for the read and insightful comments. This is the first time we've 'spoken' so...gidday!


Indeed, good day!  It's a pleasure to "meet" you!


Quoted from stevie

Antonio and Ray are too similiar but I don't want to really cut one - I'lll have to think of a colorful trait for each to have.
I'm thinking of cutting the Lucas/crime boss thing anyway, and making the three small time guys. But Slick still thinks he's a big fish so his chase can still be entertaining.


Indeed, cutting Antonio or Ray is hard to do because, well, a team of three is better, especially in a script with so many people.  I think cutting Lucas is the way to go at this point because, really, his part is minuscule.  Maybe have Slick be the big Mob Boss guy who does things his own way, hence he goes on the road to get this money.  And at the end, have Lucas' house be Slick's house so you can still have that whole scene there.  Just a thought.



Quoted from stevie
i'mm pretty sure you read all the challnege scripts, Greg? Mate, great effort! Cheers again.


Aye, I've got one more script to read and, aside from Pia's, these are all first time reads for me from the authors(I've been away from the site for a while).  It's quite interesting to see how everyone interpreted the theme and get a taste for everyone's styles.  Lots of good stuff here.



Quoted from stevie
Ps - Love SD, stayed there one night in the RV, on Mission Bay(there's a photo a few posts up). Went to Sea World before heading off to Arizona.


Haha I go by that spot practically every day.  Yeah, SD is great.  Comfortable weather year round.  While the rest of the country is freezing and under snow, I'm outside in the 70 degree weather under clear blue sky in sandals and shorts.  Nothing like January's in San Diego.

Great job again, mate!


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stevie
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Hi Blakwolfe. Thanks for the read, glad you liked it. Well done on your script too!
I'm taking notes of all the tips to improve this story and hopefully it'll come out better.
I'm letting it sit for a few more days - the wife and kids are away for 2 weeks so I can rest up a bit! Haven't had any extra sleep yet(too much coffee) - I just watched the whole first season of Deadwood over the last 2 days - that is one awesome fucking show!

Greg, thanks again man. Yeah, SD must be similair weather to where I live, on Queensland's Gold Coast. I wear shorts and t-shirts all year round too, even when it does get quite cold here in winter. I hate wearing long fucking pants! I have to at work but that's ok. C ya.




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_ghostwriters
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Stevie...

Congrats on completing the challange.  Writing a feature in 7 weeks is a challenge in it's self.  A lot of writers just can't do that, so good on you.  I finshed this up Sunday afternoon.  After reading most of the comments, I have very little too add.  Everything has pretty much been covered.

So having said that, yes you did have a lot of characters but I didn't have too much trouble keeping up with them.  Yea, I read in your earlier comment, your not really concerned about character development.  And you really don't have too be with the majority of your characters.  I'd only say, in the future with atleast your main character to try and have a little of it.   Trying to juggle a lot of characters is not an easy thing to do.

Half-way between page #38 to 40, you have lots of dialogue and no lines of actions whatsoever.  Maybe if you go back later and re-write this in the future, throw something in there.  It don't have to be anything big.  Maybe Slick picks his nose or a girl streaks naked past the window or something.

I'm not a big fan of the road trip movies but I didn't have to be to read your script.  For 7 weeks, this was alright for a first draft.  

So again congrats.

Ghostwriter


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_ghostwriters  -  January 7th, 2010, 1:37am
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stevie
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Hi Ghostwriter. Thanks for the read and kind words.
Actually I'm not a road trip movie fan either, but I had the idea for this and took it on.
It was sorta hard juggling all the characters - i had to keep scrolling back up the page to see who hadn't spoken at times!

Let me see...pages 38-40? Ah yes, jack and rose make an entrance. Yeah, i could break up the dialogue there. The re-write will have a few changes. That scene was building up to the inevitable 'bigger boat' line.

I'd love to read your time travel script when done - one of my fave subjects! Cheers man.



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_ghostwriters
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Quoted from stevie

I'd love to read your time travel script when done - one of my fave subjects! Cheers man.


Thanks.  Took me over a year to write it.  When I was done, it was 167 pages.  To technical, even I didn't understand it anymore.  So, I based it on a simple theory that I believe and got it down to 108 pages to where even someone who don't know a thing about time travel will be able to understand it.  So at this point, just tightening things up until I feel I can do no more with it.  I'll need a proofread or two then make some changes and then let it fly.

Anyway, thanks for the offer.

Ghostwriter


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dresseme
Posted: January 8th, 2010, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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stevie,

Hey whaddaya know, I found some time!

First off, I'd like to commend you for writing this feature under a deadline.  When I read it, I never once thought "Man, this feels like it was written in a hurry."

I honestly think you've written a pretty solid feature here.  It's got it's problems (a lot of people have already gone over them, and I will too), but at the end of the day, it's a lot more entertaining than most of the stuff being put out there.  The story isn't really anything new, and I feel like I've seen it somewhere before, but who cares!  You really utilize the set-up (the briefcase in the RV and the roadtrip that ensues) to pack this script full of colorful characters and funny situations.  I was actually thinking, for my next script, I would basically do the same thing (oddly enough, with a road trip), but you kind of beat me to it.  

I'll go through my notes as I wrote them down:

p.1 - Do you need the SUPER?  Is it necessary to date this?

p.3- I know I mentioned this to you before, but I really think you need to work on differentiating Slick and his crew a little better.  I get the minor differences you put in, but if you're going to merit having them, I think you should give them some idiosyncrasies that really make them pop.

p.10 - Why wouldn't the sales clerk just call the police if they let him live?

p.12- Give Ray a better line after Slick says "...but now it's a haven for deviants and imbeciles."  Something to compliment that line.

p.13 - You need to be crystal clear with the celebrity.  Actually put in the script that it will be the celebrity playing himself, if that's what you're going for.

I noticed that Jason and Brent switch roles sometimes.  I thought Jason was the laidback, roll with it kind of guy, but then Brent acts like that too.  Work on separating them a bit more.

p.25 - "The pressures of modern life." - Maybe you should make Tommy older.  I know you have a lot of jokes at the expense of him being young, but I don't buy the majority of his dialogue.

p.32 - Tommy puts everything together waaaay too quickly

I know I said this before too, but the "Jaws" quotes just aren't doing it for me, even though it makes for a killer line at the end of the script.

p.79 - Why do Jack and Rose "deserve it"?  I don't quite understand why they're treating them like this.

That's really all I wrote down.  It was basically a breeze for me to read this.  In written form, I tend to agree with people that there are too many characters, but I think it would actually work if it were made.   It's just a little daunting right now.

The only other thing I would recommend is to trim the page count down to a lean 90-100.  It was a "breeze", but it also started to drag a bit in the end.  Good rule of thumb for comedies is to usually make them around 90.

Good work stevie!


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stevie
Posted: January 9th, 2010, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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Hi Matt! Thanks heaps for the read - i know you're pretty busy. I just wanted your take on it - it was sort of inspired by your Based on a True Story. Not the actual story but the big cast, with characters having differnt habits and quirks. Also I didn't want to have any swearing and stuff in it(though initially it did) like your scripts.
Not that I have anything against violent, expletive-ridden work...

I have a few ideas for the re-write. I'll definitely try and cut at least 10-15 pages off. That was part of the reason I didn't develop Andrea - the script was getting too long. It's good you didn't feel a rushed sense with it - if I had've got off my arse more, I would've had it done in about 5 weeks.
I garee that Brent and Jason need to have more distinct personalities I'm thinking of making Jase a real wacko sort of dude and leave Brent as the straight man. Tommy will go and Henry(and most of the Jaws quotes). I might make Pop qoute from a few famous films at ceratin times, depending on their situation. Andrea could become a real tough sort of bitchy chick, i dunno.  Will let my muse inspire me over the next few weeks.
Cheers again Matt, and good luck with all your stuff goin' on!




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Andrew
Posted: January 9th, 2010, 7:53am Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie,

Just posting my thoughts on what I have read and will subsequently post when I finish.

About a fifth of the way in at the minute, and it's a testament to your writing that it's been an absolute breeze. Nice, quick read then. The set-up with the Aussies is nice, and the bumbling idiots chasing them sets us up for an amusing romp. First off the bat, I must say that this type of script, genre-wise at least, is not my thing, but it doesn't feel like a chore to read it. You're peppering the opening with stevie-isms which helps give it a familiarity; however, for a wider audience, the Beatles touches, for example, may fall flat, so it's something to bear in mind.

On a side note, you've made some funny comments on Aussies and how they're perceived. Yourself and my other Aussie friends have always been amusing, relaxed and chilled people, which is contrary to the popular depiction, but in Thailand recently I met one of the single most annoying people I have ever met. All she did was talk about Australia, and how it was so much better, etc. Dear God, so I think your minor Aussie-bashing was a good touch, but I still think you guys are cool

The one glaring thing that stuck out to me at this point was that you need to establish the characters a little better in the script to help us visualise the fact it's about a set of bumbling idiots. A subtle character description, or a finely-tuned description can help eliminate any nagging feeling that this would straddle another vibe. To SSers who are familiar with your work, this isn't really an issue, but with newcomers who have no precedent, it may be confusing what you're trying to achieve, IMHO. Blackwoffe referenced some classics with which this script shares thematic similarities, but I keep seeing 'Dumb and Dumber' with how you've set this up.

Good read so far, and will finish it up tomorrow.

Cheers, mate.
Andrew


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: January 9th, 2010, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Tommyp


The problem with the Jaw’s quotes is that people that haven’t seen it won’t get it. Well done for picking a popular film, but I wouldn’t have quotes from the Jaw’s too important in the script.



I absolutely have to pipe up here and say that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE JAWS QUOTES.

It's been a long time since I had seen Jaws and I don't remember lines in movies like many of you do, but it didn't matter one bit.

To me, the funny aspect was this guy mouthing lines that were totally unrelated to the topic, and I just had to laugh and laugh. And then somehow, the way Stevie had written it, I'd be immersed in one aspect of the script and then he'd always faithfully pull me back to something I'd forgotten.

I understand that everyone's sense of humor is different. Some people have a hard time even laughing at themselves and take everything too seriously. We're all different and that's the way it should be.

Just so you know though Stevie, I really did love the Jaws quotes and the script wouldn't be the same to me without them.

I think I'll always remember the time I spent one morning in December 2009, reading your script and laughing so hard and my whole day was changed because of your writing.

You Man, have talent. And don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Luvya Brother,

Sandra




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stevie
Posted: January 10th, 2010, 4:10am Report to Moderator
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Hi Sandra! Thank for the kind words.
Jaws is my favorite alltime film, so that's why I picked it for Pop to qoute. Look, I understand that most peole grew tired of it; it was just pure self indulgence on my part.
But if you dug it, hey, I'm happy! The qoutes were meant to be thrown in randomly but a few ended up sort of fitting into what the current conversation was. I have to confess I snuck a few from IMDB - I can remember nearly all the dialogue from Jaws but had to check the exact lines on some instances.

My actual favorite quote not used is Quint's reply to Hooper's statement when they first see the shark:

Hooper - That's a 20 footer
Quint - Twenty five...three tons of him.

If I can fit that into the re-write, I'll be doing very well!   Cheers stevie



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SteveUK
Posted: January 13th, 2010, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Stevie,

Let me congratulate you on getting this finished in seven weeks, especially at 112 pages - that is some achievement!  After making my notes, I've read the feedback from everyones else, and I think I'm pretty much covering the same ground, but what the hell - I've written them, so I may as well put them up!

Firstly, this was a breeze to read and I found it very enjoyable and entertaining.  You've got a great concept that allows for a lot of funny situations, but I don't think you made the most of it.  I liked the over-the-top screwball nature of the second half of the script, and I think some more of this in the first half would have worked a treat.

Perhaps having Brent and Jason getting into a couple of scrapes or crazy situations before they meet up with Andrea & Tommy would accomplish this as well as helping to build their characters a little more early on.

With regards to the rest of the cast, I didn't have a problem with the number of them, but some of them did feel a little like throw-away characters - Jack, Rose & Henry being the main culprits.

Also, there didn't seem much point to Andrea's character at all, other than being Tommy's sister.  I initially thought that there would be a love triangle between, her, Jason & Brent, but nothing developed.

Speaking of Tommy, I found him really annoying.  I don't know what it was about him, but something really bugged me.  However, saying that, most child characters in films tend to annoy me.

I liked the Slick character a lot, but I'd have liked him to be an even more over the top cartoon villain.  Have him both more threatening, violence-wise, as well as being completely moronic - a psychotic imbecile.

Most of the characters speak in Aussie slang, using terms like "crims" & "arsehole" - this kept throwing me off every time it happened.

The Jaws quotes made me laugh (especially as it's one of my favourite films), but you totally overused them.  The very last last quote did make me laugh out loud though.  I wouldn't remove them completely, just use them sparingly & definitely keep the last one!
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stevie
Posted: January 13th, 2010, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve, thanks for the read. Glad you liked it.

I've got a great list of suggestions from everyone, most unanimous onto who to cut from a re-write.
Henry will definitely go, as will Tommy. Jack and Rose are 50/50 with most people but I like them! And I guess they are my creations to use at my whim!?
I've been doing some brainstorming to make the start kickoff funnier, so then the first half will be up to speed with the second per wackiness.
I want to make Jason crazier, Brent will stay the straight man, Andrea will be a tough bitch, Slick even more psycho but ultimately harmless.
i intend to cut the Jaws quotes but make Pop quote from a range of well known movies. I can keep thebetter Jaws ones - and yes, the final line has to stay.
Cheers again Steve, and well done on Dark Soul Vallley.



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alffy
Posted: January 22nd, 2010, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie,

I wanted to read this when it first went up but I had a few others to read and then I got really busy.  I’m not going to point out any spelling mistakes, as I think they’ve probably been pointed out by now, so I’ll concentrate on the story.

Maybe I’m being a bit picky but Slick believes Corey’s story without question and also doesn’t doubt he’s given him the correct RV number, not even a ‘you better be telling the truth’.  I will say that I liked the opening few pages though.

The three mobsters are pretty standard, Slick, the leader and intelligent one and Ray and Antonio are the stupid ones.  This is no negative though, as from the first few scenes they come across well and funny to boot.  I can see Slick getting pissed at Ray And Antonio as they have a conversation in the office while he waits for them to finish.

All Beatles CD’s eh, I wonder why? Lol.

Taylor was driving alongside Brent and Jason so did he turn around because he was later driving alongside Slick and the others, but they are behind Brent and Jason?

Tommy sometimes comes across as being older than twelve years old, just some of his dialogue, for instance, asking for the bill in the restaurant.  Pop and Henry are pretty funny, I love the farting and pop walking about naked lol.  I did find Henry’s talk of the undead a bit annoying for some reason but Pop quoting Jaws, I found hilarious.

I like how the chasing pack grows but not sure about Rose and Jack, they appear and then seem to bond with the group too easily.  After the chase they get involved with money talk having been oblivious to everything earlier while they smooched the day away.

There seems to be a bit of change, the story starts as a bit of black comedy but for me as we near the hour mark it, it turns into more straight line comedy.  The characters are believable but don’t seem to care that a truck went over the canyon having just tried to ram them off the road.  Even the police seem uninterested with the possible death of Slick.  The chase scene was OK though.

There’s some pretty funny scenes, Jimmy’s story of the accident and the two men in the dingy spring to mind. Lol.

I’m wondering why Pop only ever speaks after Henry does?

I like the Beatles run-in but again it emphasises the comedy change.  With three million in a stolen bag and knowingly being chased by lunatics, would they stop and pick up four strangers who are probably wearing suits?  Their suspicions are commented on when they hit Vegas though.  

What’s with the Coyote’s?

Jack and Rose’s story is OK but I think these characters could probably be cut as they don’t really offer much but a few gags about Titanic.  Also when Coop arrives at the dam and picks them and Slick up, the Paramedic says they’ve been floating a while but I didn’t think that much time had passed, have I missed that?

How does Adam know the money in the briefcase is in connection with Bradshaw?

What’s with the Matt Damon thing at the end?

This was entertaining and I read through it pretty quickly to be honest.  I only noticed a few minor spelling mistakes so you did good on that.  My main beef is with the change in comedy, which I’ve probably mention two or three times already.  It kind of makes it hard to like because it’s neither one nor the other.  The opening is a dark comedy, with Slick roughing up a few people and then Brent and Jason share a few laughs but then it spirals toward the dreaded slapstick conclusion with one-liners and insane situations.  I’d prefer it to be one or the other really.  I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it but it needs more focus.  There are a lot of characters too, some appear for reasons only for comedy value, like Matt for instance.  These characters work great for the slapstick part but don’t fit with the opening.  I’m really impressed that you did this in seven weeks and it’s the outline for pretty good comedy...which one is up to you.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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stevie
Posted: January 22nd, 2010, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi alffy. Thnaks for the read mate and the comments. Its interesting in that you mention stuff you liked in the script that other readers didn't really like , and vice versa. Also you make some good observations.

Not sure if you read any previous reviews but I've mentioned that originally this was a darker type comedy. The first 20 pages were full on swearing and Slick had a gun, etc. But Jeff read it for me and suggested I make it straight comedy as the mix of violence and funny lines didn't gel. So the rest of the script I wrote as straight comedy
As i went alng, I deliberately threw in all sorts of shit, to enhance the wackniess. Thus the coyote, Matt Damon, Titanic, the crashes, pileups ,etc. I based it on the crazy road trip films and even harked back to say, Cannonball Run type movies.

Ok, a few answers: Taylor cruised up and down the highway, looking for luv...
Adam was involved in the sting that traced the briefcase.
I really dig how you liked the scene at the GC with Jimmy's story of the crash! It diidn't come out in the writing as I'd planeed and a few other ppeople found it a bit tedious. Cheers for that.
A few months back I started reading Pub Lunch but sort of lost my way a bit. I'll check it again as it seems a good premise. Thnaks again mate.    stevie



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alffy
Posted: January 23rd, 2010, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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Well that answers why there's a sudden change, I'd re-write the first 20 pages to fit better.  I think the wackiness was pretty good.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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James McClung
Posted: January 31st, 2010, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie. It's taken me a while to get to the other 7WC scripts so I figured I'd check out yours for starters.

Not sure how much I liked it. I didn't hate it or even dislike per se but it never quite struck a chord with me. The humor is fresh and creative but very quirky in a way I can't quite wrap my head around. I am a fan of quirky humor but I suppose I just couldn't figure out what you were going for. All the characters seemed completely different and had different styles of humor that mixed together in a strange way. I don't know. Maybe I'd have to read it again to catch on.

Some of the characters were interesting. The Aussies were all well and good for protagonists and I did get a kick out of the continuous cracks about "roos." Tommy was a fun character that I think you could've expanded more. Child characters are usually awful but this guy had spunk and I think you could take it further. Pop and Henry were a strange mix. They essentially had the same lines, just in their respective schticks. Occasionally Pop would come out of his Jaws phase but Henry never seemed to. I think he could benefit from snapping out of it from time to time. Even Silent Bob from Kevin Smith's flicks talks every once and a while. Jack and Rose were an interesting idea but I don't think you gave them enough of a chance to shine.

Of course, the Beatles had to make an appearance. Even if I weren't well aware of your love for the Fab Four, I might have been able to guess. They felt like the most genuine characters throughout. Very well done.

The antagonists, in which I'll also include Taylor, Steakhouse, etc. were probably the biggest issue I saw here. They were weak characters in the sense that they just couldn't rattle the protagonists' cage sufficiently. It actually seemed like the RV was smooth sailing for the most part. I think you got it backwards, dude. It was the bad guys who kept running into problems on their journey rather than the people we're supposed to be rooting for. They were rather incompetent and a poor match for the protagonists. I'd work on them having a bit more impact on the Aussies and co.

Also, not a huge issue here, but where's the Christmas, dude?

Anyway, a different sorta read for me. I suppose different is always good in some regard. Hope this helps.


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stevie
Posted: January 31st, 2010, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hi James! Thanks for the read, and the comments. Its interesting seeing how some people like ceratin characters in this and others not so much. At least i have a variety to pick from, which is good in some ways.

Yeah, I just sort of threw everything into this, an amalgamation of road movies and crazy chase films. So the humour is all mixed up too, depending on the current line.
I thought i made the bad guys pretty clumsy and hopeless enough. I wanted Slick to be this hood who thought of himslef as bigtime but actually wasn't. So I made him keep getting smashed but he keeps on chasing them.
when I do a re-write(?!) the start will show how inept the baddies are immediately, and the general wackiness will begin from there.
Christmas? Yeah, this was originally set at xmas, with the boys driving to Vegas for xmas. But Jeff pointed out to me early on how cold and miserbale it would be in Arizona that time of year. So no one in their right mind would be camping! I didn't want the weather affecting the story so moved it to March. which is when I travelled this route myself.
Cheers again James. I can check out 'Complete' if u like.

PS  glad u liked the Beatle dudes! They were the easiest lines to write.




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stevie  -  January 31st, 2010, 9:28pm
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James McClung
Posted: January 31st, 2010, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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It did seem like the antagonists were intentionally incompetent which is fine to an extent. I enjoy villains who are really pathetic and hopeless. It's fun to watch them fail. My issue was how little affect they had on the protagonists. Even if each of their schemes actually had a positive affect, it would work. As of now, it seems like they can barely make their existence known. The problem lies in the lack of obstacles for the protagonist, not so much the abundance of obstacles for the antagonists.

No worries about Christmas. Unlike the OWC, these are features and it wouldn't be appropriate to knock a feature for not following the "rules." I was just curious.

Glad I could be of service. I could certainly use a look at "Complete." I submitted a rewrite last week. I can let you know when it's been posted.


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rendevous
Posted: April 2nd, 2010, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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Right. More delays that British trains. And passports. Sorry for that. What was that about the road to hell? Hmmm. Must bear that in mind.

As Freddie Mercury once declared before perfectly playing Crazy Little Thing Called Love live...


Quoted from Farouk(sic) Bulsara

This fucking guitar never plays the chords that I want it to play.


I digress. Oh Freddie. We miss you. Come back! We have to put with Cowell, Westlife, Arsezone, The Back Door Boys.
RnB that has absolutely nothing to do with rhythm and blues. Women who call themselves divas who should not be singing outside of their own bathrooms. Fred! Come back. I'm begging you. And bring Jonathon Ross back with you. And Jimi! and don't forget Janis. Good lad.

Enough. Longhead.

"hooks through a drive-in burger joint"

Liked that line. It's very early on too.

Seven weeks to right a full length screenplay. No small task. Of course for the fella with the ideas and discipline and time it wouldn't be a huge task. Whether it's any good or not is of course a different matter.

I've had a read thru. And it's pretty good. Not bad at all. All things considered.

My first impression is that it starts off a lot better than it finishes. This is a common problem. Not least with me own gear.

"Yes. I can smell him."

Is a big statement on the first page. We know where we're going now. Everybody rants on about the first ten pages. But if the very first one ain't perfect then it's going in the bin. In some offices.

Glad to report yours is very good. So. Confidence installed. We shall continue...

Dialogue's a bit erm, wordy. Do these guys actually say all that? Would they? How's that look?

I'm quite fond of... Many are. But I'd be using that in a certain way.

Now. I'm no script doctor. Piss of piecely tell you what's wrong with it. But the cure and prognosis is what you're really after.

And. Popular word. Maybe too much.

Do people stand absolutely still when they speak?

Do blocks of anything look as interesting as a varied sparsely populated page.

Now. All this is that tech gumff. And Denny Laine and Snyder god rest him spout plenty of good stuff on all that.

Story. Small word. Always a big bleeding problem. Leaky too. How do you patch the fecker up?

The other Snyder has some idea. Fincher knows. Kubrick was certain. Scorcese's fairly sure. Spielberg manages sometimes. When he's stopped being bloody soppy. Or plain weird. Or nicking.

I can tell you puta lotta time in here S. And that shows.

So. I'll post again soon with thoughts on the actual story rather than its delivery. I do know this though...

Subtext. It exists as much as characters and action lines do. Whether we like it or not. John Paul knew all about it. They cracked jokes as quick as lightning....


Quoted from B clip
BBC: Is Ringo the best drummer in the world?
J: He's not even the best drummer in the Beatles


Back on in a few days time.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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stevie
Posted: November 21st, 2010, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hi guys. Have finally finished my 'new' version of this script. I've deletd some characters, put in some new ones, tried to ramp up the comedy for the whole script.

Anyone who read the old one could probably get away with reading the first 50 pages and then skimming - its the same premise but with added stuff.

I'm still fond of the old script, despite its indugences - I look at it as the old Beatles white Album argument - 'Surely it would have been a much better album reduced to half the songs'?

Yeah, maybe...but its appeal is in the sprawling chaos of it! And as Macca once said, 'Come on, leave it alone...it's the bloody White Album'!

Cheers stevie



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Ledbetter
Posted: December 9th, 2010, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie,

I'm coming off of two weeks on the road and was swamped in the evenings so I am only half way through with your script. I have no more out of towners left on the books for this year so I can get into this more in depth now.

I have one question though. Which script is posted on page one of the thread? The old or new one. If it is the old one, where is the re-write?

I think I will just start over with your script. That will tell me after a few pages which one it is.

I will get back to you in a couple of days with my thoughts.

Take care man.

By the way, what I have read so far is top shelf Stevie. It reads very good.

Shawn.....><
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Baltis.
Posted: December 9th, 2010, 9:29pm Report to Moderator
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Steve I finished this one about 3 days ago "finally" and will definitely give you some thoughts and likes and dislikes late tonight or tomorrow.  I'm glad this was bumped up on the portal page because it put priority back into perspective.

I'm strapped for time right now, so don't think I forgot about ya.

P.S. Then again, all I did here yesterday was pretty underwhelming and unproductive.  Time would've been much better spent giving you some honest feedback.  
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stevie
Posted: December 10th, 2010, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Hi Shawn. The new version is in the first thread - you'll know by the different start. whenever you get time, man, no prob.

Same, Balt - when you get the time! I know you've been busy on other thr...um, other things!!!


I am itching to see what people think ...



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Brian M
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Hey Stevie,

Sorry it has taken me so long to read this. We’re actually up to our waist in snow up here and it’s making my life hell. Anyway, I had a few hours spare and I started again and finished this in one sitting. On to the script.

The biggest problem for me was the first act. Where did the zombies come from? Why are they not taking over the world Resident Evil style (or not actually!) or at the very least make an appearance in Las Vegas? The first few pages are the first and last we see of them. I think an explanation would help and make it less of a WTF moment. Maybe one escaped from a secret goverment testing lab or something, I dunno.  

If Ray was bitten, wouldn’t he turn more into a zombie as the story goes on? He didn’t change much, if at all, from what I understood. More could be done with the zombie angle. I also think the opening scene when the zombies attack could be something really memorable.

No descriptions for the characters on page one and that was a problem for me, especially for Slick. I read my comments on the first draft and I had problems with him then, too. He sounds and talks very smart and seems intelligent. (“I find levity at appropriate times can alleviate stress levels. This leads to increased motor function and intellectual stimulus.”) Then he is a kung fu master and also unbreakable. I couldn’t get a picture of his character at all. A line or two describing the main characters would have helped me loads, especially in Slick’s case.

Page 24 - The truck driver who halved the limo just dropped them off at their destination? If Slick and co are really bad guys, they should just take the truck. “Say... that’s a nice truck”!...loved those lines).

Dialogue... Jason constantly reminding Brent that he knocked Ray over was funny. Slick’s line on page 49 "Relax. I learned it all from the Terminator movies. No problem." felt like something the other two idiots would say in such a situation, not someone like Slick. Page 52-53, words like arsehole and crims are not used by American people, not what I know of anyway (I’m far from an expert on American dialogue).

The real Matt Damon thing isn’t working for me this time around. I notice I didn’t complain about it the first time though, so it may be just because I knew it was coming.

I wish Pop could be normal some time, too. The constant Jaws lines are funny on occasion but get a bit old. It could be funnier if he is talking sense one minute, then crazy Jaws quotes the next. Also, he uses the astronaut line twice in the second half of the script.

A lot of funny stuff from the first draft didn’t make it. I really liked the Jack and Rose Titanic stuff!

Absolutely perfect final scene. I was waiting for Reynolds to put his hand there since he first met Taylor.

Noticed a few typos, but nothing to shout from the rooftops about.

Overall, I don’t think you realised the potential you have here. A zombie hitchhiker is a great idea, and throw in all the wacky stuff that goes on and it should be a comedy classic. As it is, I think it’s a little better than the first draft but with lots of room for more laughs and wacky situations. If this sounds harsh, it isn’t meant to be. I had a smile on my face while reading and that’s a result as I’ve had a really shitty week. I’m sure a lot of people will get a kick out of this. Well done!

Brian
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Baltis.
Posted: December 10th, 2010, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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I'm writing this on an hp mini in a crowded area... If the bat dies I'm gonna feel remissed.  Here goes.

Your opening troubles me because it just happens.  It's good if the ball kept rolling but it doesn't.  It kind of gets snagged here and there, which I'll get into in a second or two.

You don't ever space after a scene.  Always, always, always SPACE in-between scenes.  I know you probably wanted to save space and cram as much into as little as possible, but the truth is... Those spaces wouldn't equate to 54 to 60 lines anyways.  Do it, see how much easier it flows and is to read.

Not a huge fan of Continuous myself, but I'm seeing it more and more in scripts.  Phil uses it and he's damn good.  So, while I might not use it, I can't say it's right or wrong.

Your action slugs are nice and tight.  They read visual and they're paced with, not all the time but most, precision.  They never snagged or tripped me up once.  That's hot.

Most of your characters weren't ever really described to me.  I felt over time you'd have gave us more and more about them.  This is usually what I do... (and I believe you were one of the few I let read my Gruff remake 1st act) I start with the basic make up of who they are and then slowly, as the script unfolds, gesture to their quarks, perks or nuances.  Long hair, beard, mannerisms and so forth and so on.  As I said, we never fully know someone until time allows us to.  A script should be no different.  Let these characters breath, but give us a bone or two about them down the road.

Your dialogue is very American -- That's a good trait to have if you're wanting to sell to the American industry too.  I've read many scripts from people overseas and while they have been able to deliver a convincing story they're never able to pull in the American lingo or flow within the dialogue.  You've done better than most here.  There are some instances here and there that pepper it up, but far too few for me to call you out on them in a place such as this.

With that said, your dialogue can get toothy, though.  Slick has some extensive chains that tend to say more than needed.

17
37
39

Those are just a few instances where I felt he could've gotten away with one or two lines.  POP is another story all together, don't even get me started on the Steakhouse bit.  

But overall, I'm not complaining too much because for the most part it was clever enough to carry my interest.  "For the most part"

I don't like your use of "LATER", either by the way.  If this was embossed over the film, let me know and I'll give you a better alternative to do that.  But if it isn't, then saying LATER can be implied by a visual.

The Montage on page 40, as in most cases, is sloppily done.  You can use one, that's not the problem.  But please SPACE afterwards.  This will get you a red mark in a contest or if an analyst were to read it.  Space in general is very important in a screenplay and it's one of the most important really.  Lots of space and lots of room to breath.  Lots being said in little space and time.

I've never been a fan of Jaws -- I'll leave it at that "ha"

You got some amazing set pieces, a large variety of places you took me too here and I love that.  I felt as if it was an adventure.  We kept going forward.  We didn't do a lot of tracing or back tracking.  We were constantly on a journey and that was a nice change of pace.  I enjoyed the...... I don't know if it's new, but NEW-ish way things unfolded.  The Zombie Hitchiker, c'mon -- That's good.  I don't think it's been used many times, either.  And the instances it kind of ways, it wasn't explored enough.

The Matt Damon bit was off to me.  To me it was the scene in Zombieland with Bill Murry, know what I mean?  I can't say axe it because your last few pages are binded to it in a way, but hmmmmmmm...???

The Beatles bit was an expectant... But it did work.  I did enjoy it.  I think it ended better than it began.  It had a tight, secure ending.  One that was satisfying and telling.  The song really embodied the journey you took us on.  I liked it.  Zombie movies are hard to get right... This one had a little of everything tossed into it and while it got away from you at times I felt you always had the reigns held tightly.

I bitch about format a lot... And there are instances here where I was annoyed by your choices in format, but it was clearly written by someone who knew what "he" was going for and that it was written on capable software.  If these are your choices as a writer then I won't hang you too much on them here -- Just know I'd do it differently.  

Thanks for not wasting my time.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 10th, 2010, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Stevie,

just letting you know I'm on this one too. Got to finish one up by Phil first. He's been writing like a maniac lately.  


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 1:14am Report to Moderator
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And I'm on it as well, Aussie Mutha...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
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Brian and Balt...really appreciate the read and reviews!  i will write a proper reply tomorrow - the net is slow on Saturday nights here and I don't wanna write a massive reply and lose it all!

But one thing Balt? I know you've advised people to space after a scene - is that a double space then after the slug? cos I press enter after the slug and the cursor drops down once. Can you verify that?

And cheers Pia and Jeff - when you get time... no probs!!!



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Baltis.
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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Heya, man~

When I say space after a scene I mean space.  When you hit enter it automatically sets you at .5 margin.  You need to hit Enter one more time to make it 2 full spaces between the margin of your last scene and your new scene slug.  If you're using Sophocles.   Of course you can set this to default if you would like.  It's easy and I'll walk you through it if you'd like.

While the default template in Sophocles will butt everything up nice and tight, the default is set to Trottier.  I believe you wrote this script on feature loose or maybe even Cole & Hagg.  The margin's are super clean is why I say this.  They read down the page with ease... If you are using Cole & Hagg or Feature Loose, let me know.  I'll give you the exact spacing to make a double space after a transition in or out so it does it for you automatically.

And, my main point was, the default template script that comes with Sophocles was written in Trottier format, and he was notorious, as per screenwriters bible, for a tight, tight, tight ship when it came to formating.  90% of screenwriters have gotten away from it "thank god"...

So, quick example...

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - NIGHT
blah and la and de and da and la and de and da and da


EXT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - NIGHT
Blah and la and de and da and la and de and da and da

Not

INT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - NIGHT
blah and la and de and da and la and de and da and da

EXT. SIMPLYSCRIPTS - NIGHT
Blah and la and de and da and la and de and da and da

---
Notice how much cleaner your script would be if it was like that.  And, as I said, it would only cost you a total of 54 lines in the end... Maybe 60, but never anymore than 60.  Your script should be 54 lines to 57 lines per page... So you're only losing a page in retrospect.  Big deal.  If your story is tight enough and the entertainment factor high enough, don't cram it all into tight living quarters.  Let it breath.  

Hope that helps, man.
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grademan
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Stevie!

Congrats on the rewrite of Headlong! Hard to believe it's been one year since the original was posted.  I still haven't touched my 7WC script.

Things I liked

Still love the title
You made major changes in rewrite - hard to do
Focus on characters
quotes from Jaws were good
kept moving
Ray, the multitalented zombie, was priceless
Slick's character was interesting the first half
Good ending

Things to consider

Too many fart jokes (can't believe I said that)
I miss the freewheeling style of the first one
mixed idioms between characters (Americans using Aussie phrases)
Pop and his daughter had a good hook that was wasted
Maybe Slick just needs one henchman on the road?
Matt Damon was a lame until he was put in a  headlock
I kept wondering why Ray didn't go full on zombie
the part with Lucas felt tacked on.  Same with the brothers father.
A helicopter crash in a pool and no one gets killed?
Slick did not break any laws, come on.
Believe it or not, the lads can off as flat.  Their dialogue wasn't happening.
The barmaid's choice between the brothers would've been more effective if there had been some actual competition between them.


Overall, this was a very good rewrite. It's more structured less confusing. I don't know what your plans are for this script but it could stand some more effort to really make it sing.

Gary

The 49ers versus Packers was a great game last Sunday.  If you are a Packers fan.
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stevie
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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I can answer properly now guys!

Ah, I see now, Balt!!!  I thought you meant to double space AFTER THE SLUG!! Its all clear to me now!! Doublespace after the final scene line...   it will happen baby!!

Will start with Brian - I still haven't worked out how to quote as you go with someone's post so will wing it.

Yeah, I knew this new version would have some merits and some not. It was a major paini to re-write cos I really cut and pasted it from the original. The first 40 or so pages were all new stuff - it would've been easier fro me to just have started afresh as I had to do a lot of that anyway.
Then, bits of the second half that was intact, didn't link up, and I had to go through and insert Ray into the scenes.
Ray, ah yes, good buddy Ray... both Brian and Balt commented on the zombie scene just sort of happening without any real explanation - the story was meant to be really out there wacky from the start, so the reader knew what he was in for.  I wanted all suspension of belief to be checked in at the door.

This script might possibly be the 'best' one i do, so i wanted to go all out with the fun and the tempo of it. The idea for Ray was just a joke at first - there was gonna be no zombie scene (maybe in a quick flashback) - the script was gonna open with the boys driving and they run over Ray. Then it would show Slick and the guys in pursuit with some exposition and maybe a FB.
I didn't want the reader to pnder where the zombies came from - if I have some dialogue from DQ perhaps before they appear, saying he'd heard the old mining town was haunted or something, that might cover it?
The gag was that no one rects to the fact that Ray is a zombie and I wanted him for the visual comedy. He's not meant to be an aggro zmbie or attack anyone - if I had more space I was gonna have a couple of scnes that show his 'wild' side!  One - which i was very tempted to have as an outtake in the closing credits - was a parody of the Indianapolis scene in Jaws, where the guys are drunk and compare scars. Jason was gonna trun to Ray and say, 'What about you, man, any battle scars?  And Ray was gonna sit for a moment then rip his leg off and place it on the table. I reckon that would be a priceless scene if I wrote it right.

There's still a few weak sections and things that Gary pointed out - i tried to make more of Andrea and the boy's fighting over here - and its improved from the original - but again, the page length was mounting so I sort of hurried it at the end.
Brian mentioned he was sad that Jack and Rose were cut - yeah, i was fond of them too but I did have way too many characters - it was funny then because I realised I had no one to fall off the glass platform!!  So i had Ray make the trip there in the bus. Also Jack had had a few lines in conversations so then i had to farm them off to Brett and Jason.

I was reasonably happy with the way i handled Pop's Jaws qoutes the second time around - I tried to have them 'match' the coversation that was happening at the time. Some of them just seemed to fit anyway (well, to me...lol)

I'm just looking back at the comments... yeah, brainm the descriptions. i used to put a reasonable few lines of a character but I get a bit tired of it lately. For some reason I forgot to do one for Slick. I guess he's tall, with  perfect hair. I picture him as a mix between James Bnd and Rowan Atkinson's Blackadder - he wants to be the perfect bad guy but have class. He thinks his repartee with cool lines is the best. But he's always saddled with idiot help and has to do what he can to get the job done. I tried to have his slowly unravel as each new pitfall is placed upon him. I used the continual destruction of each mode of transport as a sort of metaphor for his declining sanity. This show more in the first version I think.

Matt Damon...originally this was gonna be George Clooney (I just wanted any well known actor in there) but realised I would two Georges later when the Fabs lobbed.  it was more self indulgent than anything - I was throwing it all in there when doing the original. It doesn't affect the plot - actually either do the Fabs but hey, it's my script... - and I kind o fliked this mechanic who lives off his mooments of fame.

Balt, the CONTINOUS ,yeah, I've only just started doing this. But if you have a lot of scenes set during the day or night, then they will just say DAY anyway - either way there'll be a shot load of them so they may as well be CONTINOUS - it's a matter of preference I guess. in my writng now, I trying to have more of my style, so I'm using more unfilmables in my new scripts. i rad a few scripts of Scriptshadow  and these were writeen with more flair.  It'll naturally attract possible negative comments but I tired to the same boring conventions. It won't change my formatting so it doesn't rally matter to me.

I finish up for now - my wrist is sore! But I wil put up more as I digest the commenst.

Really appreciate the rads guys - fantastic thoughts and have given me some things to chew on. I don't know if I can face a third draft (aaaarggh) but I reckon any changes will be pretty easy to incorparate. I was planning to enter this in a comp at some stage - if I can make some adjustments to really tighten it, with people's help, then that would be cool.

And Balt, I'm sort of wrapt that reading this didn't waste your time. That is a top endorsement for Headlong. Cheers man.

PS - my wife just suggested why don't I tun this script into a novel? Actually, she's always telling me to go back to novel writing - she can't see how someone who watches fuck all movies can write film scripts!!???  Not that she's read any of my stuff...



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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 11th, 2010, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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Stevie,

I also have a hard time believing it's been a year already since we did the first 7WC! WOW!  I haven't rewritten mine either yet.  I should.

Anyway, I thought you did a great job with it last year for 7 weeks. The improvements you have made here are really good. I thought there were a couple or so too many pages than needed at the very end, but other than that you had a nice escalation to the climax.

I loved the zombie add here. Ray was my favorite character.

Before I get to my notes, I want to make a comment about CONTINUOUS and LATER. I don't have the problem with those being used in a script, but they have to be used correctly IMHO. Neither one should be used if the location and characters in the scenes change. You use continuous a lot and to be honest, there were times when I didn't know if it was currently day or night. I had to stop and go back and check when that was last mentioned.

There were some typos and missing words here and there. Other than that it read smoothly.

Characters had also improved from what I remember of the last version I read.

The following are some thoughts I had while reading.

pg   1.  I guess this was a joke too that they all trusted each other and had no guns in the beginning. After I read into this story I realized that, but on its own in the beginning I was thrown off because it seemed so ultra dumb. I think you need to make that first couple of pages funnier so no one of importance mistakes this script and quits reading. Establish what type of comedy this is right away, if you know what I mean.

On the same page you write "the million". Don't you need to mention the exact amount?

pg   4.  You should mention their Aussie accents before they speak IMO.

I was a little confused about the money and the gems. Are they together? Don't one group bring the money and the other the gems? Ray seems to end up with both in his briefcase. How did that happen? Did I miss something?

pg  12.  you call Brent Brett,

pg  15.  Corvette or Firebird?

no need to keep mentioning Ray's face. We know it's fucked up.

pg  21.  Need to fix the slug TOILET?SHOWER BLOCK. The reason is that we have no idea they are at a campground yet. We go from the RV straight to this scene. Why not call it CAMPGROUND - BATHROOM/SHOWER BUILDING?

Ray's carrying a change of clothes? Where are the money and gems?

pg  24.  with millions in cash and gems missing, I had an extremely hard time with Slick and his gang deciding they need to get a cabin and sleep first. Even for this time of comedy, it's just too much. That was btw, the only problem I had with this script. Unfortunately it's a very huge problem.

Almost every character and you too in the action paragraphs keep referring to them as "boys". Every time I read that, it screamed STEVIE. It's okay if one characters says it, but not all of them. They should have individual speech patterns.

pg  28.  most Americans would call it vacation rather than holiday...

Ray sips his beer here. I think he needs to stay true to his character and do what he has done earlier. Draining the whole thing.

pg  32, 40.  I think those montages should be series of shots. They are too short for a montage IMHO.

pg  42.  not sure the scene with Taylor and Pepita works. It seems really random and doesn't forward the story. It doesn't make sense since later she's with Steakhouse.

pg  44.  I doubt an RX-7 is going to get anyone's attention unless that was a joke too.  

pg  46.  the road is now icy? The day before heat shimmered...

Somehow I pictured Reynolds as Sheriff Buford T. Justice! Why not have a little fun with him. After all you already have other films and celebrities in this script. Seems appropriate to have a little Smokey and the Bandit in here too. It is a roadtrip movie.  

pg  66.  by now I'm wondering why no one is checking on Slick at all. I know it's a long drop and he most likely didn't survive, but that also seems wrong to not check at least.

pg  70.  She turns the jug on? What jug?

pg  86.  would have been funny if the number was her measurements rather than her grandma's bd.

pg 100. Bonnet?? Didn't we go over this last time I read this???  

pg 103.  not sure about them saying the fool in the chopper lead them to him. Adam said that they had never been able to prosecute Lucas. Not that they didn't know where he lived.

pg 106.  how could Ray possibly drop down on the windshield of the chopper? Do you know how big the rotor blades are? Maybe he had an amazing sense of timing.  

Okay Stevie, good work you've done. I liked it. Hope any of this could be of help.

Pia    


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stevie
Posted: December 12th, 2010, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Pia. Thanks for the read and comments. I'll try and answer your points - I still haven't mastered the art of qouting and replying as I go along so I have two screens open.

Yeah, i metioned the CONTINOUS thing above...at times, I got lost as well remembering if it was DAY or AFTERNOON. A lot of the chase was in the day so I left it as CONTINOUS.

The guns...yep, I wanted this to have no violence or swearing - like the original - as it is more of a challenge to do that. I could throw in a couple of 'fucks' in a funny bit and get away with it but I didn't. i see your point about it maybe being dumb they are crooks and don't have weapons. i wanted Slick to be this perfectionist who didn't lower his standards. I guess I could put in a bit where DQ opens the trunk to grab a gun but Slick hasn't brought them on purpose.

I think I had their accents in a wrylie but some one suggested an action line instead and it looks like I forgot both...there is a few mistakes where words and stuff from the original got left in - thats why the Firebird is a Corvette in one part!

Hmm, I'm sure I make it clear Ray has the gems only...oh yeah, in the original, there was a briefcase filled with cash - another case of the original accidentally left in.  Sorry!!

I didn't realise I didn't do a scene of theboys and Ray getting to the campground. Is it really nescessary? I'm sure there's some dialgoe saying they are gonna stay at Sedona somewhere.

The clothes Ray wears are spares of the boys!!

Ok, the reason Slick and his men stay is because the signal has stopped. So they know the gems are somewhere in Sedona but the odds of finding them without attracting attention are minimal. They are tired and hungry and they rest up. Also they have transporation until they still another vehicle.

Yeah, sorry about the boys...I didn't want to keep repeating their names. I could use the 'brothers' or the 'pair', I spose.

Pepita/Taylor was indulgent I guess! it was in the original.
Um, the icy road...another bit left in from the original - it was meant to be set in March. I remeember when we were in Arizonz in march. it was hot at Tombstone, etc but at Safford went up Mt Graham and there was still snow. No snow at Sedona so I guess it was plot device to take out the Firebird.

A few people commented in the roginal reviews about Slick being rescued or looked for. Ok, I give up!!! I obviously didn't want scenes of peole searching (and the logistics would be tough in real life). I hoped the townsfolk and Reynoilds would come across as havng the attitude of, 'well, he deserved it, speeding and chasing innocent peole - let him stay in the GC!'  Darnit Pia, you're supposed to ignore these things!!!!!  LOL!!!

The jug? The boys would have kitchen stuff in the RV - we did!! The jug is like a kettle to boil water for coffee.

Come on...Ray is the utimate hero!!!  Mere rotor blades don't stop him!!!  Perhaps I could have a few body parts fall off him!  could be some more comic value in that...

All your points are valid Pia and I can address them when I get back to HL.  Glad you liked this new version. It was a gas writing it but the actual re-writes were a pain.

Cheers stevie




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Ledbetter
Posted: December 21st, 2010, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Stevie,
Just wanted to throw my hat in the ring. It seems alot of what I feel was put out there by Pia.

Was the OWC for Halloween, thus the Zombies? Just asking. I will say, I am not a Zombie fan both on screen or paper but what you did with them was really clever. The whole script overall was very enjoyable to read as well. I did however hic-up a couple of times due to some lenghty dialog buy not so much to be bothered by it.

As far as formatting and your choices go, I leaned some time ago, just to stay out of that arenea seeing how I don't know too much about it but your uses of the format tools seemed fine to me.

Lucas did feel tacked on for me. needs to be fleshed out a bit. The ending was great. Tidied everything up nicely.

Great job both on the story and the re-write. Especially the re-write. Those can be a bitch.

I don't know if I have mentioned this about your writing before but, you do have a very Stevie-esque voice to give to your writing. Very cool style. I think that is what I came away most of all with. A sense that your writing is really matururing and coming into its own.

Shawn.....><



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stevie
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Hi Shawn. Thanks for the read and the comments.

No, this was doen for a 7 week challenge organised by Jonny Boy last year. The theme was Christmas but I, um, cheated a little as I didn't want the weather playing a part in the script...?
The original HL was meant to be a a full on action piece, almost MA in rating. But as I wrote it, it came out with comedy in it. So the first 40 pages were a bit different from the rest.
when i finally came to re-write it, I had to make the first part as wacky as the rest of the script. I tried and abandoned a few ideas, then came up with Ray the zombie.

A couple of people have mentioned the lucas bit as being 'tacked on'. Interesting, as it'sa alwys been in the script. Slick is slowly going crazy as his task gets harder ans when he finally gets the gems back, he's just trying to finish the job and help his boss.

Cheers for the view about my 'style'. My latest writng I'm trying to up the ante and make them more stylish and vibrant - I'm using more unfilmables but not overboard - am trying to make the scripts sing.

Have a great Xmas!



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rendevous
Posted: December 23rd, 2010, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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John, sorry, Paul, er no, Winston. Richard? Is it George? Hang on, Pete. Nah, er Stuart? Nearly. Got it... Martin. Elenor? Long tall Sally. Bernard? It's Bernard. Hello Bernie baby,

Then now. Headlong. First thing that struck is it's in Arizona. Can't see why it would be, yet. Could work just as well in Australia. Although the zombies might be slightly more blonde, drunk and sustanned.

I think the dialogue early could improve a little. Some of it's good. Just the odd line seems to jar a little. Or maybe it's just me. That's happened before. Some of it is very good. If you look at Chris Nolan's last few films every line has weight. Now I know this is more comedy than his but the same rule applies for me. If only I obeyed my own rules I wouldn't seem such a hypocrite.

I'd say the first ten pages should have a little less dialogue, and something else. On the other hand it reads pretty fast. And what do I know? Quite a lot. But then again, there are vast warehouses of stuff I don't. Such as the locations of Ms. Tatou and Winslet. And how to pay off the credit card for all that crap for Christmas.

On a format point thing your periods (that's '...', not the menstrual / warpath / shouting thing) need a space after them. That way it won't skew your dialogue lines as much as they do.

Ah. The compulsory appearance of The Cockcroaches. I can't say it helps. And I doubt they could afford it if they did film this.

You have to watch those apostrophes too. I used to mark English exam papers, many years ago. Don't ask why.Many realise the apostrophe is important. Sadly to demostrate this they litter their writing with them. "It's" is short for "it is". "Its" doesn't need one, it denotes belonging. Other "its" are available. A good dictionary usually covers its use. Or then again, the magic of the interweb may enlighten. Sorry, pet peeve. I used to have a dog called Peeve. I sounded like a looney when shouting for his return in the park.

Back to the plot. After the first twenty pages I feel as if there are a few too many characters. It's not easy to recall who is who and why. The Ray character is  probably the strongest point. His dialogue is priceless.

I think Pia's mentioned most of the problems. Needs a rewrite when you are sober and free. Some of it does get quite confusing.

I kept wondering what happened to the Zombie types at the beginning. I know the pit type thing opened then closed again, but if you showed that at the start of a movie people would wonder. Some slight explanation might help.

This Ray guy is great at pool and karaoke. Hmm, have you been following me again?

Alright. I'm half way or so through. Some very funny parts and some inventive scenes. I'd cut the dialogue down somewhat. I'm sure you could acheive the same effect with less quicker. Good work though. Needs tidying up, like my house.

More later. Merry Chrimbo to you and yours if I don't speak to you this side.

R ox


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stevie
Posted: December 23rd, 2010, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi RV - thought I'd say gidday now,even though you haven't finished your review.

I take it you are back in the UK? Did the Aussie customs guys finally nab you?!! LOL

Cheers for your comments on HL. James made a good point via email about Ray. He said there is ample comic potential for him to be more zombie-like at times. Not by eating anyone's brains but every now and then showing his undead tendencies - I have to agree.
I had a scene planned where the gang are all drunk and they do a send up of the scar comparing scene in 'Jaws'. Ray tops them all by ripping his leg off and throwig on the table. I pictured it as an outtake in the credits but could work in the final scene in the bar.

I'll read through HL after Xmas and see what else can be amended.

All the best to you and yours for the festive season, and Happy New Year.



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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 24th, 2010, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Holiday Greetings Stevie,

Seen a lot of action on this thread, so I thought I'd weigh in.
I read through the first act this morning. It's a fun holiday read!
I enjoyed your set up so far.
My only real criticism so far is the poor action description of the fissure.
I would have liked some more detail there.
Your comic senses are smart. No one points out the absurdity of things.
Odd is as odd does, as it should be, high marks for figuring that out.

Some scene specific notes so far:
p. 7 Vey...gas cracked me up big time. Even though I saw it coming.
p. 13 Good luck with getting the right to a Beatles song.
p. 15 You mention a Corvette here. Is that a mistake?
p. 17 The upright pipe, some pretty wild physics there. Didn't work for me.
p. 37 Axl Rose is a zombie. I knew it! That explains that funky shuffle. LoL
p. 38 Pop's sticky kiss, comedy gold! Keep it up!

Regards,
E.D.

P.S. Pretty intrigued to see if the Matt Damon thing pays off later in the story.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 25th, 2010, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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Stevie,

I hope you had a fab holiday.
Onto Act Two...

It seems we traded in the absurd humor for a road trip chase picture.
This act kinda has that It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World type vibe going.
And it doesn't quite work for me, and it took me a while to figure out why.
Ray is the glue of the story for me, and he's awful quiet in this act.
I think I counted like ten plus pages where he only gets one line of action.
Ray is the catalyst in the first act and I adore that in your story.
Pages 38 - 76, Ray feels ancillary at best and your script suffers for it.
You did a fine job setting up this crew of characters, but they are muted on the road.
Ray is your greatest asset so far and he's under utilized in the mid section big time.

Here are a few scene specific notes...

p. 48 Seemed odd Steak didn't react to Firebird going over the side.
p. 60 Pop's Jaws quotes would fit better as commentary during chase and ramming.
p. 71 Is Brent's lawyer dad The Big Boss? Just a thought. Is this a set up?
p. 76 I finally figured out what's missing in the second act. More Ray please.
p. 77 Random revelation about the tracker feels random.

I'm looking forward to the third act.
Hope you're enjoying your holiday weekend!

Regards,
E.D.


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stevie
Posted: December 25th, 2010, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi E.D! Hope you are having a good xmas too. I know you are still reading HL (and your comments are much appreciated), so I'll wait till you finish before I answer in detail.

Just wanted to let you know that Ray wasn't in the original script - i added him for the re-write. That's why he's in the background a bit in the middle. Because I dleted chunks of it, I realised later that he isn't doing much in the 'intact' parts. i sor tof rushed through, inserting lines and things for him, but, yeah, it makes him less visible.
I will amend it when i get back to HL at some stage.

Cheers stevie



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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 26th, 2010, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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Stevie,

I finished the script and had a few thoughts to share.
Scanning the thread, I see there are some hybrid circumstances on this one.
I don't know the details, but I'll jot a few thoughts down here anyway.
I guess there was a reason why the zombie fissure is never revisited?

I did not think your third act did the first act much justice.
There's an overload of chasing and cops with little character work.
The good news though is, your first forty pages are pretty darn good.
So, the foundation is there for something truly outstanding.
I thought the cop characters contributed next to nothing to the story.
They felt more like a plot device than characters.
The group I got to know and enjoy in act one, don't do much with the cops here.

Your tech skills here are dandy, this does read well, no problem getting through it.
But Pop turns into a quoting idiot. The relationship with his daughter stagnates.
Ray's whackiest bits are in the first act, at least you do have that to fall back on.
As far as comedies on this site go, you have one of the better set ups I've read.
But I got bored fast with all the cop plot mechanics.
Not to mentio all the plot conveniences with Ray and Slick.
One of the things I really like about the first act was the lack of plot convenience.
I almost forgot Steakhouse (great name) and Pepita were in the third act.
Your Matt Damon payoff was pretty good.

This is a breezy read with an intriguing set up.
I look forward to checking out later drafts of this.

Thaks again for sharing and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.


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stevie
Posted: December 27th, 2010, 3:39am Report to Moderator
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Hi E.D. Thanks agaain for the read and review. All your points are very vaild(as are everyones).
This script has had a mixed histroy - the rewrite was a real pain and I did hurry it a bit to get it out of the way.

I know have a solid base of comments to work on a third (and hopefully) final draft at some stage.
I'm glad you really liked the first 40 pages especially, as that was all the new stuff with Ray.
The finale was meant to be this crazy all-in, no bars held scenario - I see your point about the characters suffering(the cops) and I can look at that too.

Cheers again and if you have any new stuff you need read, let me know  stevie



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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 27th, 2010, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi E.D. Thanks agaain for the read and review. All your points are very vaild(as are everyones).
This script has had a mixed histroy - the rewrite was a real pain and I did hurry it a bit to get it out of the way.

I know have a solid base of comments to work on a third (and hopefully) final draft at some stage.
I'm glad you really liked the first 40 pages especially, as that was all the new stuff with Ray.
The finale was meant to be this crazy all-in, no bars held scenario - I see your point about the characters suffering(the cops) and I can look at that too.

Cheers again and if you have any new stuff you need read, let me know  stevie


Stevie,

Thanks for the kind offer. I will have a new short up soonish.
Oh, one more thing, the title. I didn't get it. :/
Did I miss something in the script? I feel bad for asking, but I really want to know.
I like the title, but I somehow missed the connection to your story.

Regards,
E.D.


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stevie
Posted: December 27th, 2010, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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The title, E.D?  Yeah, it just came to me while writing the original. I'm a fan of one word titles, if possible - short and sweet.

It denotes the franticness of the script (hopefully). its funnny, cos i think you and James are the only ones who have mentioned it. He thought since I introduced Ray the zombie, the title shoudl reflect that somehow.

If you wanna send me your short before you post, feel free.

steve-abbey@hotmail.com



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dogglebe
Posted: December 28th, 2010, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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I finally got around to looking at your script.  I was kind of surprised that you broke Simply Script's first carnal rule:  Don't give Phil a zombie script to read.  He hates zombie scripts, zombie movies and the whole zombie genre... except for zombie baked beans.  Them's tasty!

You've crossed so many genre's in this script that it scares.  You have zombies, a comedy, a buddy-buddy story... oh, and gangsters.  I know the trend in Hollywood now is crossed genre pics, but Christ!  Cut it down, some.  

My biggest problem with this script is the dialog.  Right out of the gate, it's forced and phony and most of the characters sound alike.  The only character who sounds different is Slick, and he comes off like a rip off of Big Tony from The Simpsons.  Quote like:


Quoted Text
Hey, you give me a Magnum and I'll definitely be in control.  Man, those things in there were like... zombies.


and


Quoted Text
Yes, good driving.  It doesn't excuse the stupidity that proceeded it, but...we'll discuss that later.  For now, let's get going.


I found these lines, and others, to be forced, artificial and over all, unfunny.  I know that comedy is subjective, and you're from the other side of the world, but we do share the same language.  You should read your dialog aloud to see if it sounds natural.  Another dialog exercise is to tape record an actual conversation and then write it word for word.  Include all the sentence fragments, pauses, err's and umm's.  It'll look funny on paper, but it sounds real.

Finally, I thought this script dragged.  There was no rush--no urgency on anyone's part.  It read like Driving Miss Daisy... without zombies, gangsters and wacky characters. You probably could cut this script in half and really improve the pacing.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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stevie
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Hi Phil! Thanks for the erad and comments - appreciate it.

Sorry you didn't get into HL that much. Yeah, I do have a prob with dialogue a fair bit. Maybe because I usually write a lot of stuff from an American view, so I'm trying to 'artificially' insert myself into that feel(sounds almost obscene...)

Slick was meant to be a suave, above-his-world sort of due. As I said in an earlier post, he was meant to be a cross between James Bond and Blackadder. while all around him slowly crumbles, he tries to maintain his coolness and sense of control. In the end, it becomes too much!

I like your point about actually speaking lines as I write - I'll try that in my new scripts.

In a few months, I'll go over HL again and see what I can tighten up.

Will start reading Santa Inc. soon - all the best for the New year and thanks again.

Cheers stevie



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Dressel
Posted: March 9th, 2011, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Stevie,

Having read the original script, this one was difficult to critique.  I'm not sure how many people are familiar with the non-zombie version of the story (not sure if you even posted that), but I remember being pretty keen on it.  So naturally, when you like something, you're going to be far more critical when it's drastically changed.  And so when the script starts off with zombies coming up out of the ground...I knew I was in for something completely different.

Even if I hadn't read the original script, that's a heck of a way to open a film for an unsuspecting audience (I hadn't read the logline).  It kind of opens like a film already in progress, to tell you the truth.  It's at this point, as an audience member, you either accept it and go along for the ride, or don't.  Sad to say, from the very beginning, I wasn't really digging the established tone. (Might have something to do with having read the earlier draft too).

So needless to say, most of the stuff with Ray didn't work for me.  It was just too out there and I couldn't really picture it in my head.

But anyway, let's move on from the zombie stuff in the beginning and get to your set-up.  I don't recall if it was this way in the original, but the set-up goes on for way too long.  One could make the argument that the set-up ends at Slick and the gang heading out after Jason and Brent, but it doesn't.  The real meat of the story doesn't even begin until pg. 40, when the hunt actually begins.  Up until that point we're still just meeting characters and getting the story underway.

For example, let's analyze the scene at the bar.  Now, the scene at the bar lasts almost 20 pages (20 minutes!) long, and what does it accomplish story-wise?   The guys meet Andrea, and agree to take them on the trip.  Sure, there are some comic mishaps, but that's really all that happens.  It's at this point I feel like the story's just mulling around.  The conflict's gone, so I'm left looking at the page numbers, wondering when they'll get on the road again.  And then they do, about halfway through the movie.

THAT BEING SAID

Your strong point, like I said in my previous critique, is the chase, the characters, etc.  It works.  But it's the getting to all that (at least in this draft) that's NOT working for me.  It just takes too long. (And in the end, your script ends up being almost 120 pages!  That's way too long for a comedy).  I understand that you really want to make this film gag-heavy, but it ends up becoming (at least in the beginning) more about the gags than the story or the characters.

So while the Ray character isn't my favorite addition to the story, if it works for people, go with it.  My point, after all this rambling, is that I really dig the meat of your story.  I'd just like it a lot more if you'd get to it.  It's a lot of fun, and I'd hate to see people get detracted from the set-up.

Other Notes Along the Way

-Not digging Slick's dialogue.  Seems too stilted to me.  I see what you're going for, but it's coming across a little too awkward.

-Was your plan to actually have Matt Damon or a celebrity play that role?  If so, explicitly state that.

-p.22 - Don't have Pop whisper to himself.  It's too obvious.  

-Why "Jaws"?  I think I made this critique before.  The lines don't really pop like they should, in my opinion.  I feel like you could find a better movie.  Also, a lot of the humor comes in Pop being misunderstood by others, not just him blurting out the lines.  After all, the group (Jason, Brent, etc), know why he's doing it, so it's not as  funny as someone who doesn't know.


That's all I got.  Hope you see where I'm coming from and don't take this to be me ragging on your script.  I guess I'd just prefer to see more of the original draft in this newer draft.

-Matt


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stevie
Posted: March 9th, 2011, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Matt. Wow, that was a fast read - cheers!

Yeah, I knew the changes would be liked/disliked by a few readers. I guess because you liked the original - this version replaced that on site - it was harder to accept the new stuff, especially Ray!

I was trying for something different in the second draft and it ended up completely taking over the story.

I'm not sure what I'll do with it next - i still believe in it as a comedy and it's my strongest feature to date. I had planned to tighten it up some more and enter some comps, but the family budget doesn't allow for it at the mo!!

Thanks again for the read, Matt, much appreciated. Headlong was originally influenced by one of your features (can't recall the name just now, it had quite a few characters and a wacky premise) and I wanted your view on it.

Looking forward to reading your thriller when up!!

Cheers stevie



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leitskev
Posted: May 6th, 2011, 12:31am Report to Moderator
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Wow, Stevie, I've only read the first 20 pages or so, but this script REALLY HAS POTENTIAL.

I just read an article last week someone sent me a link to about zombie movies. Hollywood apparently thinks they'll be the next vampire, so is hard on for scripts. And the formula you have here, 2 Aussie guys in America with a criminal zombie, is loaded with potential.

In addition, from the early read, the characters are amusing and there are some real funny moments and great dialogue. I'm going to get back to this tomorrow. I think you really got something here.

There were some dialogue spots that I think needed some work. Fine tuning really. But I think you have a really marketable concept, and I am not at all into zombies. I hope you are still working on this. I'm going to give it a good read and hopefully you can get some more reads here, because this could be pushed. Exciting, actually.
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leitskev
Posted: May 6th, 2011, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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I have to come back to this tomorrow when I have time and coffee. Sounds crazy, but just the combination of the early read and the overall concept really gives me a feeling I am looking at something that will be filmed. In don't think I've ever had that with a script, not like this. I've read good scripts but this is also so in demand and inexpensive to shoot.

My early read on the dialogue is that it's good. It needs to be perfect though, especially in a movie like this, where dialogue is everything. So def keep rewriting, and get reads. I will start working on it, hopefully get as many as you can.
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leitskev
Posted: June 9th, 2011, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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Stevie, I just took this read up again. I did first half tonight, will finish tomorrow.

I think the concept has tremendous potential. I don't know enough about zombie movies to know if anything like this has been done. What you have here is the combining of two familiar tales: the lovable, rogue zombie; and the young foreigners coming to explore America.

In addition to the concept, I like the portrayal of the 2 Aussies. They're just likable enough and sufficiently funny. Kind of a Bill and Ted's Adventure type feeling about them.

Also, there are an abundance of cute or funny little scenes. A zombie farts, I laugh. Can't help it.

So three great elements: concept, likable protags, and entertaining scenes.

There are some things I consider to be problems, take my amateur opinion for what it's worth.

First problem is the opening scene, as currently constructed, and that's a real bad place to have a problem. I am assuming the sudden appearance of zombies in the farm during this purchase of diamonds will be explained later. Then there are the gunless gangsters. Kind of hard for me to accept gunless gangsters. If not guns, there needs to be some other force element. But even if we accept that this is how they do things, why are the gangsters just asking the boss now why that is his policy? I don't know. I had trouble buying it, and it's had the effect of souring me on your villeins, and having me not accept their dialogue.

So in the front 50, I find myself really enjoying the Aussies and Ray scenes, and not so much the gangster scenes.

The jury is still out for me on Andrea and Pop, but I lean toward liking them, especially Pop running out naked and drunk.

Not sure where Taylor is going.

I don't understand how Ray, who can barely speak, can do flawless karaoke. I got to think about that one. I guess it does have some shock value. Could Ray sing like that before he was dead? Has death given him super karaoke powers?

So far, I think this is a winning concept with a lot of great elements, that still needs work. If the parts that need fixing get fixed, I could definitely see this being marketed. It would be easy to film a short and market it that way too. I think some readers might not be reaching the good stuff, which comes early, because they might be turned off by the opening scene. Just my opinion, but I feel I need to say, because I really would hate for that to be the case, since you don't have to get far before things really get funny.

I will finish tomorrow.
Kevin
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leitskev
Posted: June 9th, 2011, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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Finished.

As I have said, much potential here. A lot of good. But, and I want to again emphasize my lack of experience, I think this really needs a major rewrite if it's going to take the next step. The concept is winning, and many of the scenes would be very effective in film, and very cheap to make too. And a lot of the characters have charm appeal. So I think it would be worth the time invested.

Let me try to address things that I think are problems. First, as I said, the opening scene. I thought the dialogue was not natural, and I couldn't make sense of what was happening. Even for a comedy, it didn't seem right.

There was never, unless I missed it, an explanation for the zombies. That seems really strange to me. An illegal diamond exchange worth millions takes place in a barn, and the earth opens, and zombies attack, and one of the gangsters becomes one. If there's no explanation for that...there just has to be.

The best part of the story are the Ray scenes, particularly the interaction between Ray and the likable Aussies. But there really aren't many scenes, IMO. I have not yet seen the movie Paul, the one with the little alien, but when I do, if I find he's only in about 10% of the film I will be disappointed.

I am going to be honest about something, and please bear in mind, the problem could really be more on my end than with the script, because sometimes I am not a patient script reader. The truth is I really had a hard time reading the second half of the script. And I repeat, this could be me. I have a hard time getting through features sometimes. But there wasn't enough Ray in the script. There was no protagonist, someone who really wanted something, someone who you had to keep reading to find out what happened to him or her. The groups chasing for the diamonds became tedious to me.

This story should be about Ray: the situations he gets them in, and the situations he gets them out of. Maybe one of the Aussies should have a fiance waiting for him in Vegas. I don't know.

I hope this helps. If you ever do decide to do a complete rewrite, I would be happy to take some time and throw some ideas out there. I still think you have the basis for a great script and a marketable concept. And the many parts and scenes that are well done suggests you should be encouraged by everyone to take on the job, because the talent is there. The keys to writing: time and desperation. If and when you have enough of either, you'll take this on from scratch and really make it something.

Kevin
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stevie
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Hi Kev.

Thanks for the read and comments!

Yeah, I haven't looked at this for a few months, so might check it out and see how it reads after a break.

Ok, so the opening? The zombies just appear? Well, I didn't want to create a backstory about the origins of the zombies- I just wanted it to happen, bang and we're off. I did mean to have one of the gangsters allude to the old town being haunted or something - I can put that in in future.

Not sure if you read all the other comments but I had to insert Ray into a lot of the scenes from the original script. It was a real hassle, a cut and paste type of revision. So I probably slumped a bit and was trying to wrap it up (re-writes aren't really my friends...)

Anyway Kev, I'll re-read HL over the weekend and write some more here when I'm on the computer and not the iPod!

Cheers mate.   stevie



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Dreamscale
Posted: June 9th, 2011, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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Stevie, you old, Aussie goat, you know that I much preferred the Rayless, zombieless original of this script.

You had so many funny action packed scenes that played out...well, really funny.  You had a slew of funny character saying and doing ridiculous things and it played out...well, really funny.

It's good to see and hear that others enjoy your new zombified version, but for me, Mate, I'd go back to the original and give it a strong rewrite and see if you can market it as a zany, low budget road trip comedy.

Where's Custer sitting these days?


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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leitskev
Posted: June 9th, 2011, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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The odd thing is, Stevie, I don't enjoy reading comedy. I mean, even great comedy films are probably boring in script. But I actually laughed a lot, especially the early zombie scenes.

What I honestly suggest is a complete rewrite from scratch on this. That way you'll lose the cut and paste aspect. I think the concept is a real killer in terms of marketability.

When zombies crawl out of a cemetery, that's one thing. But a barn? I think at some point it needs an explanation. But that's me.

I know a rewrite from scratch is daunting, but when you think about it, you should be able to churn it out because you have most of your characters and scenes already well developed in your head.

Revision History (1 edits)
leitskev  -  November 1st, 2011, 11:06pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 9th, 2011, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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These are the very rare "barn zombies"...they may not be that deadly, but they can sure hang with the best in karaoke.





To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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leitskev
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He should have requested Grateful Dead for Karaoke.
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Dreamscale
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YES!  That would be quite funny.


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stevie
Posted: June 9th, 2011, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the inputs dudes!

Um, yeah, not sure what to do with it. Had planned to enter it in a few comps earlier this year, but our family budget blew up, sending that idea arse up.

I'll give it another read, see how it looks...

Jeff, not sure how 'low budget' it would be with truck and chopper crashes!



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Dreamscale
Posted: June 9th, 2011, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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By "low budget" I mean under $5 Million.  Easily under $5 Million here, and you know that explosions or wrecks of this kind do not have to be seen onscreen in their completion.


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leitskev
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
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Two young Aussie brothers pal across the American west in an RV with a strange hitchhiker who has two secrets the hapless pair is slow to discover: he carries a fortune in stolen jewels; and he is a zombie.

Our friend Stevie is getting ready to send this script out into the world to see if it can find a life of its own. Like any proud parent, he's hurrying to make sure his baby's ready for life on the outside. He'd like any suggestions on log or pitch lines. That's my lame attempt above.

Come on guys, help an Aussie brother out!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
Hi Kev.

Ok, so the opening? The zombies just appear? Well, I didn't want to create a backstory about the origins of the zombies- I just wanted it to happen, bang and we're off.
Cheers mate.   stevie


Kevin wants a history of zombies!!!!!   I'm not surprised!  

Sandra



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leitskev
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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Well, they just kind of popped into the bad guy exchange in the middle of a barn. No explanation ever given. I'm a fan of large chunks of this story, especially the chemistry between the Aussies and the zombie. I just think the zombies need to be explained a little. Maybe. I don't know.\

Like the log idea, Sandra?
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leitskev
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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BTW, the karaoke scene is more and more funny when you think about it. This zombie goes all these scenes and can't talk a syllable. Then all of a sudden he's belting out songs on stage! That could be really funny in film.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Kevin! They need a wave function on this sucker. I'm waving!  

I missed it. Log idea? Couldn't find it in your post. On this:


Quoted from leitskev

I don't understand how Ray, who can barely speak, can do flawless karaoke.
Kevin


It's known that people who stutter can sing wonderfully. There was a famous folk singer, (can't remember his name now) and yes, he was like that. Could be the same sort of thing.

Sandra



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stevie
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
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yo Kev! Mate, thanks for all the support and tips. I sent my baby out last night. I came up with a pretty good log, though yours was pretty cool too!

Cornie made a suggestion too which was close to mine. I went through the script with a tooth comb, there are no errors at all!  Cut as much as I could without sacrificing the spontaneity.

it reads quick so heres hoping someone like sandra is on the reading panel at the LA comedy festival!!   Now i just have to wait till march next year to see how it went.

Its time to get back to my Custer project!!

Cheers all!!



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leitskev
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, as indicated above, I totally changed my mind on the zombie singing. Comedy is about contrasts. Just like Costello needed Abbott, Lewis needed Martin. When the silent zombie gets on stage, the audience will be already surprised and expecting some kind of zombie groaning. So they'll be shocked when his karaoke is flawless. Stevie had this right, I was wrong on that one.

Still not sure about the barn zombies, but hey.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie
yo Kev! Mate, thanks for all the support and tips. I sent my baby out last night. I came up with a pretty good log, though yours was pretty cool too!

Cornie made a suggestion too which was close to mine. I went through the script with a tooth comb, there are no errors at all!  Cut as much as I could without sacrificing the spontaneity.

it reads quick so heres hoping someone like sandra is on the reading panel at the LA comedy festival!!   Now i just have to wait till march next year to see how it went.

Its time to get back to my Custer project!!

Cheers all!!


Cheers to you too, Stevie! I'm just so happy that I got to read this when it was in its early stages and I knew right away that it was a winner. I've said this before: I might not be able to write the best script, but I sure do know how to pick them!!!  

Sandra



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Dreamscale
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
Just like Costello needed Abbott, Lewis needed Martin.


And Kevin and Stevie need Jeff.  Ah shucks...ain't that cute?



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leitskev
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 8:38pm Report to Moderator
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We definitely need...nah, not gonna say it. Ok, we need Jeff!
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I do need something pretty badly but I won't go there either...oh shit...I'm opening myself up to Stevie's quoting hi-jinks...especially using "opening".


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I do need something pretty badly. I'm opening myself up to all.





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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 3rd, 2011, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Yeah, I do need a pretty opening badly, but I won't go there either...oh





LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 3rd, 2011, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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I knew I could count on your guys.  Thanks for not letting me down!


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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 7:57am Report to Moderator
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A couple of Aussies on a road trip pick up a zombie hitchhiker. Have got to read this!

This was a fun, entertaining and enjoyable read, very slapstick. It did seem to turn into the wacky races in the second half with lots of unbelievable action, the helicopter crash was unrealistic but spectacular.

I liked a lot of the characters, they all had their own personal quirks and the dialogue seemed genuine for what for I think you were going for.

The real star of the show was Ray, whether it be singing karaoke or leaping from helicopters. You have created a memorable character without having too much for him to say which i think you've accomplished superbly.

I also like the payoff at the end of the Taylor and Reynolds side story, it gave me a good laugh.

The one area I felt could have more attention was the brothers themselves. they almost felt like sidekicks at times around other good characters and were easily forgettable IMO. I think one way to do this would be to add more detail to the love triangle/ relationship with Andrea.  They could compete with each other for her affection. Just a thought.

Overall, I really enjoyed this. Good work!

Steve
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stevie
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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Yo Steve!

Always good to hear from another Aussie onsite - there's not many of us! And anyone named Steve had to be pretty cool...

Yeah, I'm fond of this script. I entered it in the LA Comedy Festival the other month - won't find out anything till March.

And you make a good point about the brothers fighting over Andrea - I did need more of it but after slaving through the rewrite( the original had no zombie Ray in it), I sorta hurried it up.

U follow the AFL? I live on the Gold Coast but am a Vic boy originally. I'm a mad Saints fan!

Oddly enough I've never been to W.A! Or Tassie for that matter...

Cheers mate



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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 8th, 2011, 6:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey mate,

Sorry to disappoint you but i'm actually a pom, moved to Australia a few years back but would love to be known as a Aussie.

Yeah I follow the AFL mate. I'm a Dockers fan,  think we have someone who used to belong to the Saints but lets go too much into that.

Good luck with the LA Comedy Festival, the script has so much potential so fingers crossed and good luck with it.

Cheers mate.

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stevie
Posted: December 8th, 2011, 6:45am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Coop! Actually Cooper is my sons name...

The Dockers, hey? Should be an interesting game at Etihad, is it Rd 4 next season?

There's a few Englishmen onsite and a couple of Irish lads too. It's a pretty good mix of nationalities.



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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 8th, 2011, 7:31am Report to Moderator
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It will be a very interesting game but the Dockers winning over east, I don't know about that?

From what I've seen in my short time here, there are many nationalities and a lots of excellent writers which I could learn a great deal from.

Your son is called Cooper, you could say mini Cooper! A terrible pun, sorry!  I couldn't resist.

All the best.

Thanks mate.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: July 2nd, 2012, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
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Yo Stevie!

Your number's up over a ScriptShadow!!!
Let's back one of our stalwart SS vets and get him a Friday read!

http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2012_06_01_archive.html

Go Stevie!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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stevie
Posted: July 2nd, 2012, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for the support, Brett!

Yeah, i only found out you could submit stuff to them, so I thought, what the hell!



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CoopBazinga
Posted: July 3rd, 2012, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I saw this last night.

There's a few SS's on there I noticed but you know I have to vote for the Aussie.

Good luck with it, Stevie!

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Mr.Ripley
Posted: July 3rd, 2012, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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Good luck Stevie.

I have to read this script some time. Granted I'm not Carson but still...

Gabe
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Toby_E
Posted: February 9th, 2013, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Stevie,

So I finally got around to reading this! Apologies for the delay it took, college has been busy these past few weeks.

I liked the story here, as I am a fan of zany comedies. I also thought that the set-up was brilliant.

Now, one of the main issues I had with the script was the comedy. I liked the comedy in the script, but there needed to be more! You want to get the reader laughing on the first page, and if not, definitely by the second. But with your script, the first 5 pages were mainly set up. There were quite a few other scenes throughout which didn't feature much humour. Which is a cardinal sin for a comedy I'm also not a fan of farting/ toilet humour, which you used throughout. But that's just me.

Another issue I had with the script, was with how it was structured. Act 1 was great, with the brilliant set-up, as previously mentioned. You introduce Brent and Jason as the protagonists. However, act 2 became muddled, with the focus shifting towards Steakhouse's story more, and Brent and Jason become supporting characters. I’d maybe suggest directing the focus back towards Brent and Jason more in the second act. In the first act, they were introduced as our protags, but are playing more of a backseat role in the second act. This was a little jarring for me, this change in focus.

I also found the whole zombie aspect of the script very underdeveloped. I'm guessing this was something added in a rewrite?

The length was also an issue. 115 pages is looooooong for a comedy man! I've been told that I need to get Eric Boyle down to around the 95 page mark, as most producers do not want a comedy which is longer. I'd suggest maybe doing the same here. I think by tightening up act 2, you could easily chop off 5-10 pages.


Below are some notes I made whilst I was reading:

Page 3- DQ: “Hey, you give me an Magnum...” An magnum?

Page 8- Personally, I’m not a fan of farting humour in films. But that’s just me.

Ok, very decent set-up with the story. Kudos on that man.

Page 11- Slick: “Let me guess...you're not really a black man?” I really didn’t like this line, man.

Nice, and now a ticking clock/ time-limit thrown into the mix. As I said before, very decent set-up.

The transsexual part made me chuckle. But that’s my main criticism of the script so far: for a comedy, there hasn’t been too much humour.

Now, I the Matt Damon part did make me smile, and I could be wrong, but it just seemed too random, and it slowed down the pace of the story too much for me.

Ah, page 22, some more fart/ toilet humour.

Page 26- Jason: “Exactly. Let's went.” ‘Let’s went’ is an odd phrase; I’ve never actually heard that before...?

I don’t really like the Pop character too much at all.

Page 31- Biker: “Man, i just love that Russell”... “I” needs a capital.

I personally thought that the bar scene went on too long man. The Arnie part did make me chuckle; I’d just suggest cutting it down from the 7 pages it currently is, so about 3, 4 max. Because then there is the montage, and then we’re in the bar for another 5 pages.

And also, what is a “killer roo”? Another character said that, but I was unsure as to what they meant

I’ve heard it three times so far that Brent and Jason are going to Vegas for their Dad’s fiftieth; maybe cut down them telling this to everyone they meet? The first time was good, as it was a good bit of exposition, but now it’s just taking up unnecessary space.

In fact, I would maybe have when Brent and Jason invite Pop and Andrea along with them occur earlier, as this seems to be a logical end of act 1, as they now really want to commit to getting to Vegas, as to not let Andrea down.

Ah, and another fart joke on page 39.

I think it would be cool if DQ and Antonio actually interacted with Brent and Jason in the bar.

Page 42- Pepita: “I'm a maid. Comes with the job.” I don’t really understand this line, man. How would getting frisky come with being a maid?

Page 47- Yet another poo/ fart joke! And another one on page 48! I would look to cut these down, man. I’m groaning at them by this point.

Page 56- DQ: “Aw, man, you gotta shitting me”... should be “gotta be”?

Page 63- I thought Pepita bursting into tears was a bit sudden/ unrealistic for the character you have portrayed.

The whole Jimmy and Reynolds scene was unnecessary in my opinion, as it is merely repeating information which we have just seen.

Nice Deliverance reference on 69.

And what does “seemed sus” mean mate? Lots of characters have been saying that, but it’s just going over my head.

Page 79- Why didn’t they just keep the jewels, but put the empty briefcase on the bus?

Page 81- Character A vomiting on character B is overdone, and pretty clichéd in my opinion, bro.

Page 83- Paul: “Our manger left us in Tucson.” Should be “our manager”.

I don’t really like these Beatles impersonators much. They’re not really adding anything to the story: not much in the way of humour, or conflict. By cutting them out, you could trim out about 3-4 pages from your script.

Page 84- I don’t understand how the platform broke?

Page 98- John: “Named after the famous prime minister, John Churchill.” Do you mean Winston Churchill? Is that ain intentional mistake?


But yeah, as I said, I really liked the story here man. If you tighten up the second act, directing the focus back to Brent and Jason, up the laugh-count, and drop the page count a bit, you will have a very nice little script here indeed.

All the best mate.

Toby.


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stevie
Posted: February 9th, 2013, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Yo Tobester!

Thanks for the read mate. Glad you dug it...well, most of it, lol.

Not sure if you read any of the other thread pages but here's a brief history of HL : back in late 2009, we had an informal 6 week challenge to write a feature. I think there was 5 or 6 that had a crack at it. The theme was Christmas, but I was 'allowed' to use this general theme as I didn't want the weather affecting the story...lol.  So, I started writing HL, partially based on my experiences on a 3 month road trip in 1997 ( I used Arizona as I had driven on the roads used in the script). It was originally an action story with violence and humour ala Beverly Hills Cop. But after 20 pages, I didn't feel comfortable mixing the two, so I made it a comedy, and deliberately without using violence or swearing as an extra challenge.

So I finished the first version in about 5 weeks. It had extra characters - two young Titanic fans, Pops best friend - and came out pretty well. Had some good feedback, some loved it, some said it was ok.

About 2 years later I went back to it and intro'ed the zombie char, Ray. Just had this wacky idea of throwing in this odd person. Re-writing it was a real pain as I did it the hard way - cut and pasting new stuff in when it woulda been easier to rewrite the whole damn thing. That's why Ray isn't hardly mentioned in some bits as I just left them as they were in the first version.

Anyway, I finished it and was pretty happy with the new version.

I was a little surprised you found some parts not that funny as usually you Irish/English guys have that nice grasp of comedy, much like us Aussies; sometimes our US buddies have funny stuff go way over their head but each to his own, I guess.

The dreaded fart jokes! Yeah, I prolly did go overboard with them. They're always an easy line in a pinch but can get tiresome

Sorry if I'm not answering your points in any order, but I never could work out how to do the quote thing for each topic. So I'm sort of skimming a bit. It's unreal though how you found a couple of typos! Damn, I woulda been over this script about 20 times over the years and I still missed a couple, lol

One day I may go back to this script and do something new with it. Prolly won't though as I don't like looking backwards and would rather work on a new project. If someone read it and liked it enough to film it, well, hey, fucking joy!

Thanks again for the read, man! I hope the tone of it may help with your Eric Boyle script - that's why I suggested you read HL and see if it helps choose the specific audience you wanna write for, and then you can work out the levels of violence, etc.

Cheers mate   stevie



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Dreamscale
Posted: February 10th, 2013, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from stevie
I was a little surprised you found some parts not that funny as usually you Irish/English guys have that nice grasp of comedy, much like us Aussies; sometimes our US buddies have funny stuff go way over their head...


  Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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