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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Clone Wife Moderators: bert
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I'm not here to argue about anything, just throwing out my feelings and trying to cheer Brett up a bit, at the same time.

Again, there was absolutely nothing in Carson's review that I see as even being worth its weight in tin, let alone gold.  In fact, whether or not I came right out and said these things in my posted feedback here or personal feedback to Brett directly, as I said, I agree with much of what was said, even though the draft I rad was awhile ago.

Kev, help me out and tell me just a few of these nuggets that you feel are so impressive in his feedback.  And, I honestly mean this and hope you oblige.


Carson's review has already given me ideas to rework the opener.
Tweak some beats so they do what I want them to do, etc.

But I think in the end, it comes down to the tone I chose.
I went with a fairy tale feel over the realistic couple people expected.

So, that's something to ponder for a while.
An entire tone rethink. Ugh.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


That is wise.  SIt on it for a day or two.  Carson may even be popping in to look at these conversations as well.  Just sayin'.

Actually, there is quite a bit there that is remarkably positive about your writing, Brett -- though I am sure you are focusing only on the negatives at this point.  Can't be helped.

You are already well ahead of the curve.  Don't forget that.  I don't even see where this is a set-back, really.  Just one more pit-stop on the journey.


Re-read the review over the weekend and agree with you, pal!
I took a leap, didn't exactly stick the landing, but I'm still in the game.

The goal for 2012 was to "find my voice" on the page.
Wear a groove into a writing style that makes this fun for me.
And that I've done in the three features I wrote this year.

Now YOU get cracking on some dry lightning!

New Year Regards,
Brett


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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leitskev
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Another thing to consider, Brett. Everyone likes the concept and the writing. Maybe work on other stuff until you get directions from a producer who is buying it? The producers might have a certain tone in mind based on factors particular to their needs. It's probably out of your control.

Maybe you'll get some interest early in the year with the new exposure.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Now that is gospel!!!  

Exactly my point.

I've merely been trying to stay positive and keep Brett upbeat as much as possible.  It's very easy to see the negative in things, and I wanted to make sure Brett realizes that all is not lost.  



You two going back and forth is enough to make anyone smile!

Thanks, guys and you're absolutely right.
By Saturday morning, my gloom started to lift.

Pia's right...
There are plenty of positives to take away from the review.

Jeff's gotta big point here too...
It's obvious that Carson started skimming the script pretty fast.
So, it's up to me to find that ambiguity and work on it.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev

I even think Carson's comments on the writing approach are amazingly insightful here. Brett is very talented. And he has not been writing long. I think Carson's insights could fuel him to move on to the next level in his work. It hurts today, but it won't hurt long. It's the next leg of the journey.


Hey Kev,

You're right. CW is an attractive but tough nut to totally crack.
My take on it was go with the "fairy tale" style approach.

The whimsical science and Travis "wishing" he could start over.
The storybook scene with the photo album, Mr. Charming, etc.

But that seems to have come off as me being superficial with the tale.
So, a rethink is in order.

2012 was a big success for helping me find my voice on the page.
Now it's time to use that craft to re-evaluate my storytelling.

But yeah, it is cool to hear from Carson that my concept and writing are solid.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ledbetter
Brett my fine brother,

I don't know who Carson is. Truth is, I've never heard of him before this week. But I have heard of Brett Martin. You write well, you write real, and you have a pulse in your style that only one in a thousand can claim.

Now you can say Carson did a review. File it away under “stuff I wanted done” and see it for what it is; an opinion; nothing more or less.

Remember, your running point on a lot of fronts my man. You’re doing all the right things brother. Oh and I just gave Clone Wife another read. Here’s how I rate it.


x – KICK Flocking A$$

0-     KICK A$$ BUT…

0-     MEH…

0-     I VOMITED ON THE SCRIPT

Shawn…..><


Hey Shawn!

That's for the super pep type.

Getting thughts from an industry insider for free is a big boon.

I generally break down screenwriting into three categories...

1) Concept Generation.

Can you conceive of marketable ideas that will attract industry folks?
I feel pretty solid there.
There's about 15 rock solid ideas we've developed to the pitchable stage.

2) Voice on the Page.

Could I write a script that has that "Brett thing" going on?
Everyone that's read my 2012 features has unanimously agreed on that.

3) Compelling Storytelling.

I tend towards fantasy filters as a first instinct.
Though it seems that most are looking for more realistic fantasies.

And that's fine and all.
It all comes down to if I think the story's better told that way.
So, I need to double down on my development skills in 2013!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from B.C.

One thing I took from the review which once again rammed home how tricky this screen writing lark is, was "So really, after you get your script into perfect shape, consider going back and “dirtying it up” a bit."

Soooo...we spend years learning to write, then have to learn to un-write!! I know he doesn't mean that exactly, but it's interesting in itself, and indicative of the challenges every spec writer faces.

Well done, Brett. Remember the Rocky Balboa rule of getting back up for another beating, cos that's the only way we move forward.


Hey Basket!

Yeah, that one was a bit odd to digest at first.
But I think I over-thought the pages and it hurt the read.

I probably spent too much time in my own head!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
Another thing to consider, Brett. Everyone likes the concept and the writing. Maybe work on other stuff until you get directions from a producer who is buying it? The producers might have a certain tone in mind based on factors particular to their needs. It's probably out of your control.

Maybe you'll get some interest early in the year with the new exposure.


I do still have this draft of Clone Wife out to four feature producers.
And there's two other feature rewrites I'm meditating on right now.

I tend to stagger them that way.
So there's a natural gap before I return to a script and work it.

I think the big question for Clone Wife is...

Do I want to nix/minimize the fairy tale vibe to broaden the appeal?

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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I think giving it a more 'real' tone over the fantasy thing would be a good idea....

I may even ponder changing the ending a tad also.

Overall....I think you have something to work with...a very marketable idea...and the script/story will evolve. They always do.

I am horrible at polishing...so when I read that you need to dirty your work up a bit I was blown away! If I could just learn to meet my way(no polishing) and your way(over polishing) in the middle I'd be a happy camper. My work is so ugh..not pretty and raw almost.

Get ready for 2013! Time to rock it!
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leitskev
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Clone is one of those concepts that has some high concept appeal, but turns out to have some inherent issues that make it a real challenge to pull off.

By definition, a rom com is a story where we watch two people overcome tremendous obstacles to be together. What makes the story is the audience wanting them to be together.

The two characters must be perfect for each other, need each other, make each other complete. The audience has to really care that this bonding happens in order for the obstacles encountered to create that sense of anticipation and anxiety.

What generates the problem here, but cannot be changed because of the larger premise, is the fact that the clone is an exact replica, with the same memories, the same sharing of experiences, the same bond to Travis.

Picture this: suppose the hair Travis used to recreate the clone were from right before she met Travis. So the clone does not know Travis. Therefore there is no bond between the clone and Travis. There is natural attraction, but any bond built will be new.

Under this scenario, it might be natural for the audience to root for the old Renee(if she has been set up right), because clone Renee does not have a history with Travis.

As it currently is, clone Renee is getting screwed, no matter what. It doesn't matter if you give her a happy ending. The point is that while we are watching, why should we root for clone Renee to lose her husband? How can we root for one Renee over the other when they both are the same person, same memories, with the same bond to Travis?

So we don't really have a compelling reason to want Travis and real Renee back together. In fact, she left him, maybe they're both better off if Travis stays with the clone.

However, if clone Renee just met Travis, and has no shared bond with him, she is not losing much if in the end she goes on with her own life. This makes it easier to root for the Renee/Travis reunion.

You would have to make their marriage shorter, which should be considered anyway. Maybe get rid of the high school part. So Renee met Travis, dated a year, they got married, and then 2 years later the trouble happens. When Travis clones Reneee, he truly starts over, with a Renee that is just about to meet him for the first time.

Remembering that this is essentially a time travel tale at heart, there are different ways to go.

The key to any rom com is that we NEED the audience to be pulling hard for the two to get together.

Also, to the degree that the central drama making us root for this bonding is weak, you need to compensate with humor. Basically it becomes more of a situation comedy. You need to move this towards Will Farrell/Steve Carrell type comedy. If we're laughing hard, the drama less important.

So in short: I would suggest either one of two directions. Either make this crazy funny, with all kinds of zany gags; or find a way to make sure the audience really really wants to see Travis and Renee together. There must be a sense that they alone can make each other complete and happy.

I don't expect you to actually do either of these things. However, if a production company discusses the script with you, you can have these ideas in the back of your head as alternatives. At some point you have to focus your ample talents on new projects. Leave older ones alone unless a producer has serious interest. I think. I'd like to see you keep developing as a writer. New stories!

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leitskev  -  January 1st, 2013, 1:07pm
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 1st, 2013, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
Clone is one of those concepts that has some high concept appeal, but turns out to have some inherent issues that make it a real challenge to pull off.

So in short: I would suggest either one of two directions. Either make this crazy funny, with all kinds of zany gags; or find a way to make sure the audience really really wants to see Travis and Renee together. There must be a sense that they alone can make each other complete and happy.

I don't expect you to actually do either of these things. However, if a production company discusses the script with you, you can have these ideas in the back of your head as alternatives. At some point you have to focus your ample talents on new projects. Leave older ones alone unless a producer has serious interest. I think. I'd like to see you keep developing as a writer. New stories!


Hey Kev,

Some nifty ideas here, thanks!

I do have the script out to some feature producers right now.
And I keep getting calls saying they're getting to me in their pile.

The draft Carson reviewed, in fact, is a result of a producer meeting over the summer.
We had coffee, talked scripts and discussed changes, etc.
Who knows what will come of that.

Clone Wife is an attractive but tricky high concept.
I'm leaning on making things more realistic, if it's just up to me.
But maybe one of those feature producers comes back with some ideas too!

I'm sure I'll continue developing the property in 2013.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 1st, 2013, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Pale Yellow


I am horrible at polishing...so when I read that you need to dirty your work up a bit I was blown away! If I could just learn to meet my way(no polishing) and your way(over polishing) in the middle I'd be a happy camper. My work is so ugh..not pretty and raw almost.

Get ready for 2013! Time to rock it!


One might say...
We should write a script together sometime then.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 1st, 2013, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Forgive
Hey Brett! Not been around for a while, but I saw the review on ScriptShadow.

Obviously Carson's opinion matters - you wouldn't have put it up there if it didn't at least matter to you. And if anyone's opinion matters to enough people - then it simply holds weight.

I didn't think the review was too bad, to be honest. It was over-arching, yes, and didn't deal with technicalites, but was a good 'other angle' to have on your work.

Maybe just deal with the criticism head-on. He says your characters need a little more character. Maybe he's right. And if he is, is it that much to write into your story? Is that all it needs to really kick it off?

Sometimes we take criticism badly, but really in another language it's just people telling us which holes to fill to make our work what it should be. Medicine taken, now of the hole and re-write.

Best of luck with it man - you deserve it.

Simon


Hey Simon!

Yeah, at first I took the "over-arching" vibe of the review a tad, personally.

But after I got my head on straight, I can see why it happened.
I didn't captivate the reader with my storytelling techniques.
Which are, admittedly, the weakest link in my craft.

I'll tackle Clone Wife again in 2013!
Best of luck with your writing endeavors in the new year!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 18th, 2013, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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A little update on this script...

I'm FINALLY meeting with the feature producer this week.
I've been ill for three weeks and he's promoting his latest feature film.
But we've carved out some time for ourselves.

He has notes on the draft I turned in based on our last meeting, naturally.
That's the draft y'all can read here at your leisure.

Notes are good, that means he wants to continue the relationship.
So, I'll keep folks posted on that.

And some other news...

Thanks to Dan Botha's efforts, Clone Wife is getting more attention.
He's been stellar here in his brief time and connected with a producer/director.

Dan posted a thread on behalf of his colleague looking for certain kinds of features.
So, I submitted my script a couple weeks ago...
And my tale made the cut!

Clone Wife was chosen by Dan's contact to be on a shortlist for potential production!
The guy's worked on some indie features before with some decent budgets.

So, a big thanks to Dan for all the hard work.
And who knows where things will go from here!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

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Electric Dreamer  -  February 18th, 2013, 4:23pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 18th, 2013, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Sounds excellent, Brett.  Hope it works out.  Keep us posted...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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