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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Clone Wife Moderators: bert
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  Author    Clone Wife  (currently 20284 views)
Ledbetter
Posted: November 20th, 2011, 1:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

Sorry I missed this one up till my my friend.

I owe you a big juicy read and review and from what I see from some of the reviews, I am going to love this script.

I'm not going to read all of post though so if my comments are redundent, then sorry.

Give me a few days and I will get back to you.

Fair?

Take care brother-

Shawn.....><
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 22nd, 2011, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Brett, I decided to give this one a read instead of rereading ZP. Hope that's ok.

just realized that maybe I was reading the earlier version of the script. you'll know if I did. I'm on page 15 now and am on the current version from here on.



Hey Pia!

Big thanks for taking a look at the new feature.
I did answer your question about this, but I think it's on the ZP thread, heh.
Reading this is great, it's all good, m'dear.

And yes, you were reading the old Torture Edition of the script.
The first 15 pages are drastically different from the latest version posted here.
Some details down the road may be confusing with mixing the drafts.
But, I don't think it's a major deal. So, no worries.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Ledbetter
Hey Brett,

Sorry I missed this one up till my my friend.

I owe you a big juicy read and review and from what I see from some of the reviews, I am going to love this script.

I'm not going to read all of post though so if my comments are redundent, then sorry.

Give me a few days and I will get back to you.

Fair?

Take care brother-

Shawn.....><


Hey Shawn,

Thanks for the note.
Sounds like a plan, take your time.
Looking forward to your thoughts.

Regards,
E.D.

And I'll respond to the other great reviews over the holiday!


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Jahon Bahrom
Posted: November 23rd, 2011, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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The story is very good. I noticed some minor mistakes, but I might be wrong.
page 18- dog sniffs, not dogs.
page 24- I think Travis doesn't need to say that he is not happy because she left him. Stig has to guess why he is not happy and suggest GUY.
page36- In Swan's line you forgot N for have known.
page53- She is nine years younger, so 29th reunion, I think.
page90- Put AN instead of A, In Renee's line. The shuttle picks me up in an hour.
page91- Student who rises his hand is singular.

Some suggestion from me. Kill the clone in the hospital while giving birth, but keep the baby alive.
This way it would be more than just a comedy. It would be something special.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 24th, 2011, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett finally finished.

This is a cleaner draft. I still enjoy the story but...

SPOILERS!

I don't remember if I mentioned this before nevertheless, I think you should establish the lost pregnancy earlier in the beginning. That seems to be when the couples' problems arise. Their relationship is tested. Renee wants to run away from that terrible tragedy. Travis creates clone wife. Then have clone wife question about having the baby finding out what happened to Renee.

The way you have the story here, Travis enjoys clone wife better than Renee. So, why doesm't Travis just not stay with clone wife and leave Renee? lol. I think Travis seems like the type of guy who would do that.

Just my thoughts.
Gabe
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Ledbetter
Posted: November 27th, 2011, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

I wanted to let you know, I'm about half way through it and will be posting my thoughts on it tomorrow.

So far, I'm really enjoying it.

Good job!

Shawn.....><
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 29th, 2011, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
Okay, read the first 32 pages.  Now glancing at some of the earlier comments, it looks like you significantly streamlined the writing, which is always a good thing.

Hey Ryan!

Always a pleasure to have you take a gander at my work.
Hope the Will to Live rewrites panned out for you.

October was a scary month for me, both personally and professionally.
But, the medical stuff all worked out.
And it seems I've debugged a lot of what needed attention in the old draft.
So, I dodged a couple of bullets and got back on track.

Quoted from Ryan1

Starting on page one, I'm wondering where Travis obtained all this equipment and how exactly he got it into his basement.  Supercomputers and "genetic chambers" are items that I'm guessing would run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars if not more.  Where does Travis get the funding for this?  

Why does Travis not have a job if he's this brilliant?  Maybe he's an underappreciated genius, whose theories are simply too radical for mainstream science.  What about having another separate structure on the property, like in the backyard, converted into a lab?

There were a few lines that addressed this in the earlier draft.
A mention of loans being paid off by Renee and stuff.
I understand the sterility issue, and it does make sense.
But I like the metaphorical significance of the lab being "under" the house.
Rick Moranis has his lab in the attic in "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids".

Quoted from Ryan1

Montana Tony's.  Is there any reason you don't just call it Tony Montana's?  With all the velvet Tony Montana's in the restaurant, it would seem like a better fit.

I always thought inverting it made more sense.
Especially since Tony Montana is Cuban. not Italian.
I could make mention of the threat of a lawsuit forcing a name change, etc.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 6.  Didn't really get the notes on the take out menus joke.

The second half of that joke didn't make it into this draft.
In hindsight, this bit should probably come out. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

p.7  When Astrid says: "Why you traded in theprom king for your science tutor is
still a mystery to me."  That's a brutal, humiliating swipe at Travis right in his face.  and he does...nothing.  No reaction at all.  Just a line about other prom queens being available.  To me this shows a character without a backbone who allows his mother in law to trample over him.  Renee's reasoning to leave the guy seems a little more apparent after that incident, but its still hazy.

Travis lacks backbone because he lacks pride in himself.
In the opener, there's his dreamy approach to his experiments as well.
A dreamer with a lack of self pride seems pretty clear motivators.
I have to choose reasons for the break up that won't make the reader hate Travis.
These flaws serve him pretty well as the stakes raise later in the story.
But there's always room to improve that message.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 8. "aides" should be aids.

Whoops. That was a derp move. Good catch.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 9.  Oskar's line "Flight's tomorrow morning" ssems like it should have been said by Renee.

Yeah, I can see that in my mind working. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

Renee:  "I woke up."  Ouch.  But, what exactly made her wake up?  We just don't have enough insight into their relationship right now to understand this breakup.

I go back and forth on this point.
Tend to shy away from over explanation.
But I could put that, "I'm tired of blah, Travis. After all these years", type stuff.
It feels so obvious, unless it's a killer line that doesn't feel expository.
For now, the "I woke up." is a solid place holder for that thought, IMO.
Especially since it alludes to the fairy tale element of the overall story.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 10  Is the hair taped next to the photo?  Maybe a line of explanation as to why it's there.

It's actually in the photo album, I'll be clearer about that.
And it does get explained later why the hair is there.
On page 11, Travis tells us about the lost baby, but since it's pure exposition, it doesn't have much power behind it.  Maybe if they still had some baby clothes that they had picked out.  I think having a baby item such as a tiny sock or shirt laid out in the album would hold more dramatic weight.
[/quote]
I thought about that, but left the "baby object bit" for the third act.
I see what you're getting at, but that's a lot of heavy in a short time.
Which is why I opted for the storybook telling to the dog.

Quoted from Ryan1

Okay, on page 12, we read that "Travis and Algernon look out a bay window as Renee's cab drives away."  In the very next scene, Wade sees the pool table in his backyard.  First question, how would Travis be able to haul a pool table from his basement to Wade's backyard by himself?

Movie magic!
I found the humor in not showing how he got it over there.
But that in his own quirky way, it was Travis reaching out to someone.
I tend to shy away from explaining away all the magic.
It's a personal choice, and I understand why it doesn't work for you.
People will find a way, if they want to communicate, even if their brain subverts them.

Quoted from Ryan1

Next question:  When Wade walks over to Travis' backyard, we see that "Travis hasn't shaved in weeks."  How does this timing work out?  Renee said she was leaving for Tokyo the very next day.  How does Travis now have weeks of growth on his beard?

I think you got the first freash draft version. There was a mistake in the scene order.
Since then, I've fixed it. So the passage of time makes more sense.

Quoted from Ryan1

Stig has a way of talking like a Swedish Frankenstein at times.  Like here:
We open the doors. People come in
and sit down. They eat things I
make. Give us money, then leave.

Are the Magnusson's supposed to be from Sweden?  Because at times I got the feeling Stig's command of English "not so good."

Yes, they are. Magnusson is a Swedish name.
As I'm sure Pia already knows!

Quoted from Ryan1

If Travis was this lovelorn it seems like he would have jumped at the chance to talk to Renee when she calls Stig.  Maybe a final word from her here could finally convince Travis that he has no shot at all at reconciling with his wife and this convinces him to go ahead with the cloning experiment.  Because, it is incredibly unethical after all, cloning someone without their permission.  Something has to drive Travis to that point of desperation.

Hmm, I could see that suggestion working.
I'll have to marinate in my brain and see how it comes out next draft. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

I understand what you were going for with the line "Hello, flour. I miss you." on 26.  
But I think this would actually be a little confusing if you were watching the movie.  A lot of people would think Travis was saying "flower."

Hmm, I wonder if there's a better word than flour for that part.
I'll have to look it over when I revisit the script. I see your point.

Quoted from Ryan1

Good visual with supercomputer integrated with pipe organ.  The nightmare did go a bit too long, IMO.

When the pipe organ supercomputer flashed in my brain, I knew it was a keeper.
Even back in spring of 2010, that image stayed with me all this time.
I had shortened the nightmare up, perhaps it can use another nip/tuck.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 32

TRAVIS
This is it. This is my chance. All
the same experiences in a new body
of possibilities. I've created a
get-out-of-divorce free card. This
is my flour!

Once again, I think the word "flour" would be confusing here.  And this dialogue really sounded on the nose.  You're telling us what we already know, because the previous paragraph explained the nine year old dna twist.  I think Travis cracking a wry smile would actually work better here.

Your suggestion is pretty good, but I think I wrote the lines for another reason.
But at the time, I wasn't sure exactly why I wanted them there.
Thanks to another peer reviewer (James?), I had a thought.
The lines can be spoken to the robotic arms that assist Travis in the lab.
I like him talking exposition to the dog and the arms, gives them character.
And I think it makes the arms' "demise" in the explosion more meaningful.

Quoted from Ryan1

Okay, so far got some mixed feelings on this one.  On one hand, it seemed like you were trying to base the science on real actual techniques and theories, but having Clone Wife appear was just hard for me to buy. Of course with a whacky comedy like that, logic ain't a big concern.

I have tinkered with the thought of showing Clone Wife emerge from the chamber.
But part of me is really attached to her just being there when Travis wakes.
It's such a strong fairy tale romance reversal beat. I adore it.
Waking from the nightmare to the "reality" of his dream come true.
That kind of metaphorical sauce is too hard for me to pass up.
Ideally, I want to find a smooth way to integrate all those elements.

Quoted from Ryan1

And, I wanted to know more about how Renee and Travis' relationship went sour.  They broke up so quickly in this script, it's hard to even picture them as a couple.

So, I'll be interested to see how the clone wife impacts Travis life and the rest of the plot.

Less is more, but I see your point.
I want to be subtle, there's a lot of drama to get through in the early stages.
And I still want to keep Clone Wife's arrival at the end of act one.
Perhaps a simple, "Travis I'm tired of all...", type beat will do the trick.

Thanks for the super detailed comments. Helpful stuff.

To be continued.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 1st, 2011, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Jahon Bahrom
The story is very good. I noticed some minor mistakes, but I might be wrong.
page 18- dog sniffs, not dogs.
page 24- I think Travis doesn't need to say that he is not happy because she left him. Stig has to guess why he is not happy and suggest GUY.
page36- In Swan's line you forgot N for have known.
page53- She is nine years younger, so 29th reunion, I think.
page90- Put AN instead of A, In Renee's line. The shuttle picks me up in an hour.
page91- Student who rises his hand is singular.

Some suggestion from me. Kill the clone in the hospital while giving birth, but keep the baby alive.
This way it would be more than just a comedy. It would be something special.


Jahon,

Thanks for the read and the helpful comments.
Kudos for catching some grammar mistakes. I'll get those fixed up.

I've had people think that Clone Wife would sacrifice herself for the baby.
Multiple people in fact, which kinda surprised me, in the good way.
But in the end, I do believe Clone Wife getting a chance to be her own person is best.
And Travis helping her achieve that goal, makes him a better man.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Brett finally finished.

This is a cleaner draft. I still enjoy the story but...

SPOILERS!

I don't remember if I mentioned this before nevertheless, I think you should establish the lost pregnancy earlier in the beginning.

So, why doesm't Travis just not stay with clone wife and leave Renee? lol. I think Travis seems like the type of guy who would do that.

Just my thoughts.
Gabe


Hey Gabe,

Thanks a ton for taking another look at this.
I'm glad this draft read better for you, that was a big goal.
The pregnancy does come up on page nine.
That's pretty early on, and I wanted to start the script late in the relationship.
The sooner we get to Clone Wife, the better. She adds spice to the plot.

Maybe Old Travis would try and "forget Renee".
And I think now and again, he does, just for key moments here and there.
But, he always comes back to the truth, which makes things bittersweet.
Which is the angle I was going for in the post Guy dinner scenes.

Travis growing as a man helps him take responsibility for his "creation".
And that includes giving her the chance to live the life she wants.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Ledbetter
Hey Brett,

I wanted to let you know, I'm about half way through it and will be posting my thoughts on it tomorrow.

So far, I'm really enjoying it.

Good job!

Shawn.....><


Hey Shwan!

I'm pleased that you're not laboring through the read!

Always a good thing to get your feedback on my work!
Keep chugging on that feature script of yours!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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rc1107
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey E.D.

Read the first 28 pages before I had to leave yesterday.  I have to say, I think I had too much time at work to let it percolate because this might be a little too detailed.  But, these are just thoughts I had, so pick and choose what to listen to at your will.

First of all.  I loved this draft.  I really got into it.  (By the way, I read the re-re-vised draft.)

I kind of think the Ferris Buehler thing would be funnier if she figured it out in the car later on.  When she first comes home from work, she could ask him what he's wearing, then say they need to talk.  Travis hurriedly tells her of his achievement, so she lets it go.  Then, during an awkward silence in the car later, she looks at his clothes and blurts out "Jesus, Travis.  Ferris Buehler?  Really?"  I just think it would make a better delivery.  Then, Travis could answer 'What?  It's your favorite movie."  and Renee answers '20 years ago it was'.

I think that's somewhat how you had it in the first draft I read, but it was too confusing at the time.  It'll stand out more now that the story's been cleared up.

Bottom of pg. 4  -  Is Renee's line 'You forgot.' Supposed to have a period or question mark?  It works either way, but I think it would work better as a question, since Travis answers.

Middle of pg. 6  -  Regarding Astrid's reference to Wonders.  You've told us readers what Travis' last name is enough, but I don't think the 'movie audience' will have it quite in their heads yet.  You have Travis call Renee 'Mrs. Wonders' at one point, but I think the audience needs something else to drive the last name home.  Maybe when Renee walks in the house when she gets off work that first time, have her walk past a sign that says 'The Wonders' as the neighbor gawks at her ass.  Or something like that.

Bottom of pg. 6  -  I think Stig should notice Renee's tense, not Oskar, that's why he says 'I'll get wine, so we can talk less.'  Again, I just think it would make the delivery better.

I also think while everbody pronounces Guy like 'rhymes with see', maybe have Travis pronounce Guy like 'rhymes with sigh', just to irritate everybody at the dinner table.  I think it would turn Travis' character volume up a notch.

I love how Travis glares at Renee when he says 'a truly stable clone can be whatever it chooses to be.  It can change its destiny.'  That's an example of great foreshadowing.  But also, it's a line that might help us understand that Clone Wife will be fine at the end of the story.  Going her own way.  (Assuming that you haven't killed off Clone Wife in this draft, that is.)

Bottom of Pg. 11  -  Make sure we know that Renee saw the question on the back of the picture, and made no intent to check it.  (Maybe she looks at the question and shakes her head 'no'.)  Right now, it reads like she didn't see the question.

Top of Pg. 16  -  Regarding:  The sausage pellet in his beard.  Ew.  That was gross and uncalled for, sir.  And I loved it!  Was that in the first draft?  I think I remember reading it before, but it definately sticks out now and is hilarious here, now that it's not muddled in a dozen other details.

Bottom of pg. 18  -  I also love the idea of 'a support structure that allows it to grow'.  (And I like how you used the spokes of a wheel as the metaphor for it.)  Like I said, I'm not sure if this draft ends the same, but do you make mention of that again at the end with the Clone Wife moving on?

Top of pg. 19  -  What happened to Alg's shield with eye-slits?  The machine's never gone to this magnitude before.  Have Alg. run from his protective shield to under the couch upstairs.  Might show that the machine's working now.

After Travis first sees Clone Al:  TRAVIS:  Who's a good dog?-- thing - dog?

Just a suggestion.

Stig holds Montana Tony’s take out bags, large gift wrapped item tucked under his arm.    -    should be 'a large gift tucked under an arm.'

Have I ever mentioned how much I loved the 'What?  He's only 8 hours old.  He can't hold it.' line?

The [Y]/[N]/YES to [A]LL confused me.  Shouldn't just [Y]/[N] suffice, or did I miss something?


Welp.  That's as far as I got yesterday.

Again, this draft is great.  The character's are popping, the beats are popping.  Everything seems to be going good and I'm excited to see Travis' and Clone Wife's interactions.

I'll be getting to the nightmare next.  I remember having some sour feelings about it in the previous draft.  I'll see how that's handled tomorrow morning.  I have to close tonight, so that'll probably be the next chance I get to read again.

Great job on the rewrite so far.  I'll talk to you in a bit.

- Mark


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Eoin
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rc1107

I kind of think the Ferris Buehler thing would be funnier if she figured it out in the car later on.  When she first comes home from work, she could ask him what he's wearing, then say they need to talk.  Travis hurriedly tells her of his achievement, so she lets it go.  Then, during an awkward silence in the car later, she looks at his clothes and blurts out "Jesus, Travis.  Ferris Buehler?  Really?"  I just think it would make a better delivery.  Then, Travis could answer 'What?  It's your favorite movie."  and Renee answers '20 years ago it was'.

- Mark


I agree, that's a good idea. I'd even add, that perhaps she has to ask who he id dressed as and Travis could do a goofy impression - then she gets it and delivers a cold reply
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1

Okay, picking back up on 33.  Is that a typo where it says "Algernon balks?"  I thought maybe you meant barks.


Hey Ryan, picking up on your supremely detailed review today.
It's been a whirlwind November, catching up from the wonky October.

As to the word, I thought it was a little more common than it actually is.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/balk

I can see why you thought it might be a typo though.
I should probably swap that term out for something else.

Quoted from Ryan1

I know this a rom-com with a fantastical element to it, but I have to admit a certain logic problem jumps out at me.  Wouldn't clone wife take one look at Travis and see that he's nine years older?  Wouldn't that be a rather startling sight, considering she thinks it's nine years earlier and she simply was sleepwalking and woke up naked in the lab?  And the same logic can apply to her clothes in the closet.  Wouldn't she look around and think "am I losing my mind?  When did I buy any of this?"

The clothing beat happens a little later in the story actually.
But, I'm glad to hear you bring it up.

As to the aging thing for Clone Wife, I did think a lot on it, actually.
Which is part of the reason why I went with the nightmare sequence first.
When Travis wakes, he's sweaty, pale, stressed, and yes, older.
But she thinks he looks "horrible" because of the nightmare.
When the realizations dawns on Travis, his expression softens.
The love returns to his face, and she keys in on that.

You're right probably more than you know. Clone Wife is a big time fantasy.
In fact, it's a downright fairy tale at times, I wrote it that way intentionally.
Somewhere along the line, I was able to put it into these words:

Clone Wife is a fairy tale rom/com where the other woman isn't another woman.

Writing it with that philosophy in mind, I can see why you wrestle with parts of it.
You have always struck me as a pretty logical bloke in our meetings.
I'm not even close to that, quite the opposite.
Which is why I figure, if you're pretty okay with most of this, I'm doing well!

Quoted from Ryan1

You do address the technology factor when she looks at Swann's cell phone, but wouldn't Clone Wife notice how different all the cars look when she and Travis go out to buy ice cream?

There is a line there about why is Travis only playing oldies radio stations too.
Perhaps a line about a "car show being in town" would be cute?
The point being, Travis is too enthralled to be guided by logic.
It's a fine line and I'm doing my best to give each side it's due.

Quoted from Ryan1

p. 34 "Stig's just going to eat you up"  Seems like you need a reaction from Travis right here.  He's so happy over the success of the experiment and seeing Renee again, that the ramifications of what he's done hasn't hit him yet.  A look of "oh
sh!t" when she mentions Stig might work there.

That could work! I like how that looks in my mind's eye. Thanks!

Quoted from Ryan1

Typo on 36  SWANN "How long have you know him?"

Typo on 37  CLONE WIFE "Oh, I think it would be wonderful
to catch up with, Guy."  no comma needed after with.

Fixed and fixed! Much obliged.

Quoted from Ryan1

I'm wondering now if you should give Clone Wife an actual name.  Constantly reading "Clone Wife" just gets sort of cumbersome after awhile.  Maybe a nickname based off of Renee?  Like in Splice they called her "Dren."  

I have pondered this very premise.
But, I don't have the answer yet. Open to it, should inspiration strike!

Quoted from Ryan1

p 46.  Again, wouldn't Clone Wife find it very strange that Stig also looks nine years older?  Don't mean to harp on this point, but I can tell this is gonna be a problem for me.

This is why I have Stig freak out and get all pale when he realizes who "she" is.
Then Stig pukes in a bush. It's akin to Travis waking from the nightmare.
It's the "reason" in CW's mind that the two of them looked "bad".
Perhaps I can find a better line for her to exemplify this line of thinking.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 47.  I do like how Travis spilled his guts to Stig.  And Clone wife overhears it.  Good.  I'm glad you're not stretching this clueless clone wife too far.  But, I didn't buy her reaction when she hears Travis say that she's a clone.  

"Clone Wife looks hurt, then furious"

Just seemed like the wrong words there.  Shocked, astounded, disbelieving, crushed"  More along those lines.  I mean, she just learned she's a freakin' clone.  That would be a headspinner.

But now I like the fact that Clone Wife knows the truth, and seems to plotting some chicanery of her own.

p 53  "You mean fifteenth."  Just a little confused as to how much clone wife knows at this point.  She knows she's a clone, but hasn't figured out it's 2011?   It's just at this point, she's seen her parents who look ten years older and undoubtedly new cars and all sorts of "advanced technology."  She must have figured it out by now, right?

The pacing of the story seems to have really slowed since we got to the book store and onto the restaurant.

p 61 "25 years? They got it wrong."  Man, I'm starting to think clone wife's brain didn't quite gel correctly.  It really seems like she would have figured it out by now.

End on 62 for now.  So, you didn't take this in the direction I was expecting once clone wife learns she's a clone.  I thought she was furious and was going to plan on doing something to Travis either at the book signing or the restaurant.  But, she didn't do much during these last thirty pages.

Like I mentioned, these last pages felt kind of bogged down and those logic issues kept bothering me.  It just feels right now that the story isn't exploiting its solid premise to its full potential.

But, I'm hoping for some fireworks when Renee shows back up.

This is a major sticking point I'm going to have to repair.
Clone Wife only overhears Travis say this one line to Stig...

It just happened the one time, I didn’t mean to do it. I swear.
If Renee ever found out, it would break her heart.


Travis is actually talking about Renee learning about Clone Wife.
But, an eavesdropping Clone Wife hears that and thinks, "Affair."
You can see the logic there, I hope. And how the subsequent lines support it.

I can see how that not being clear is leading to some frustrations for you.
I'll have to fix that post hate! Thanks for the catch.

To be continued.
Then, I'll jump over to Conwall's review!

Regards,
E.D.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Eoin


I agree, that's a good idea. I'd even add, that perhaps she has to ask who he id dressed as and Travis could do a goofy impression - then she gets it and delivers a cold reply


Hey Eoin,

It's funny you should bring that up.
There is a version of that in the earlier draft.
Perhaps I can modify to good effect. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from rc1107


I love how Travis glares at Renee when he says 'a truly stable clone can be whatever it chooses to be.  It can change its destiny.'  That's an example of great foreshadowing.  But also, it's a line that might help us understand that Clone Wife will be fine at the end of the story.  Going her own way.  (Assuming that you haven't killed off Clone Wife in this draft, that is.)


Hey Mark!

I will address your review in full later.
But I had to touch on this one thing you mentioned.

You really nailed a juicy piece of subtext I laid out in that scene.
Travis's flaw of work before marriage setting up his eventual chance for salvation.
You caught me, red handed. Guilty as charged.

I wanted to try to layer that stuff in there, without being obvious.
It's one of those things they hopefully catch when someone revisits the material.

Stuff like that really enhances re-watching movies, IMO.

But when a respected colleague picks up on that...it really makes my day!

Thank you, Sir!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Ledbetter
Posted: December 3rd, 2011, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

What a story my friend. Great imagination here. I can tell you’ve given this a lot of thought with regards to the concept.

Overall, the story was very fast and enjoyable. Your characters were very well done and convincing.
Some highlights-

TRAVIS
Has anyone actually ever told Stig
that Tony Montana is Cuban?

That tickled me for some reason.

I have to ask, on page 12…What is WHUNK? I’ve never heard that word. Good word!!!

Up until page 12, it does seem a bit slow but still very enjoyable.

Page 14-
TRAVIS
I think it’s great that if I were
trapped down a well, you’d run home
and sit your furry ass by the fire
and lick yourself while I suffer.


Funny as Hell my man. LOL…

Fur + Saliva + DNA = clone dog. Travis grins.

The debate rages on as to whether or not plus should be spelled or +. I’ve been told that it should be spelled. No matter.

STIG
Do you eat your work?
TRAVIS
No, but I don’t make food.

Ha! Dry and funny. I love it.

Nightmare wife and Nightmare #2 got me a bit confused. Why not name them?

I also wished you had named the clone wife.

TRAVIS
This is it. This is my chance. All
the same experiences in a new body
of possibilities. I’ve created a
get-out-of-divorce free card. This
is my flour!

GREAT LINE! I loved this.

ASTRID (V.O.)
Now don’t forget, Guy is
ostraconophobic.
He snaps out of it.
STIG
What?
ASTRID (V.O.)
Guy is afraid of shellfish.

Afraid of Shellfish? YEAH!

Okay at this point, it has picked up beautifully. The story is coming along nicely.


Clone Wife and Renee look at each other. They scream.
CLONE WIFE & RENEE
Fuck me.

I felt like this should have gone further right at that point. It just felt like it was ended.

RENEE
Old? Give me back my wedding ring,
clone slut!

Clone slut…Great line there.

Big gripe here-
Clone wife. I know I mentioned it already but that sure is a MAJOR hic-up for me when I’m reading. Maybe a mixture of the words together to let me know she is the clone and also giving her a name.

WADE
I so called the feds on your ass.
But you’d be surprised how little
credibility being the son of a
comic book tycoon gets you.

There is a real smart-assness about that line I like a lot. Kinda like, I don’t get ne respect..

This was great Brett. I mean it has really good bone to it. The story come full circle and ends on an upbeat tone.

All in all, this is one of the best scripts I’ve read here. I actually caught myself “seeing” this on screen as I was reading it. That is always a good thing.

Have you gotten nibbles on this?

Anyway, thanks for the enjoyable story my friend. There was alot of love on the page.

Well done!

Shawn…..><





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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 5th, 2011, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1

And finished.  Okay, I see my assumption was wrong that clone wife learned she was a clone before.  So, what exactly was she so hurt and furious about on p. 47?  Because, those feeling were never shown at any time during the rest of the evening.

Hey Ryan,

I quoted that passage in the last reply about what CW overheard.
What she hears makes her think that Travis is cheating on her.
I'll be more explicit about that the next draft. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 65.  You tell us Travis and Clone Wife are sleeping in the bed.  Seems like a missing scene here.  He's got the younger, hotter Renee.  They're going to bed for the first time since he cloned her.  Is Travis gonna bang her or not?  Does he have some last minute crisis of conscience over whether he should or not?  After that romantic night, they just sort of took a snooze.  I thought this was the moment Travis was waiting for.

I've thought about this, a lot actually. There's a caveat I discovered.
If Travis does that, he is technically "cheating" on Renee.
And I didn't see the benefits of going there in this tale.
I only saw the cons of heading down that road.
I actually got asked a lot by producers about that very thing.
All were relieved to hear the baby comes from the cloning somehow.
I feel it's the only way to preserve the rom/com vibe.
Besides, it's extra slimy IMO to do it, cuz Travis knows he's got just one night with her.
I'd be like sliding in the back door before you have to come clean tomorrow.
I don't think the rom.com vibe can withstand that blow.
Though I'm open to alternatives, if you've got one handy.

Quoted from Ryan1

Didn't get the meaning of Travis' line on 68:  "If I wasn't a scientist, would you
still have married me?"  Why does this make Renee tear up and want to puke?

Perhaps there's a part of Renee that believes she did marry him for that.
The idea of being attached to a successful man has its allure.
The puking is the "proximity effect" of the women syncing up a bit.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 70 "jaw spar"  never heard that one.

Here's a good example of that particular canine behavior.
http://www.artflakes.com/en/pr.....canis-lupus-jaw-spar
It's ritualized dominance behavior. A term typically used in the wolf community.

Quoted from Ryan1

Wasn't sure exactly why Officer Pitt was issuing another citation on 72.

The first citation is for the joyride noise.
The second one is for disturbing the peace with the lab and wife chaos.

Quoted from Ryan1

Very interesting twist when Renee realizes that she was pregnant at the time the hairs were taken.  But...would this automatically mean the clone is pregnant?  Hmm, I'm not sure of the science there, but since it's a comedy I think we can let it go.  However, I think at the very least you should have Clone Wife take a pregnancy test to verify.  This isn't just something you would assume, considering the rather bizarre situation.

I've toyed with the idea of having a test "beat". I have the room for it. Thanks.
But, you are right...pregnancy via cloning is not possible with our current technology.
It's the one piece of absolute pure movie magic I stuck in the script.  

Quoted from Ryan1

p 74  think you might have a typo at the top where you have Renee say "What?"  Seems like that line was meant for Travis.

D'oh! That line belongs to Travis. Good catch, thanks. Fixed.

Quoted from Ryan1

With Wade, I felt like he didn't do much at all in this story.  I had high hopes for him at the beginning, as he was obviously crushing on Renee.  I thought you might make him a nutty, horndog Quagmire character.  But, on the rare occasions he does show up, he's more of a sounding board for Travis to vent on.

Wade had more of a Quagmire vibe in the earlier draft.
But, it was getting in the way of the actual story, according to many reviewers.
So, I chopped out at least five pages of Wade in this draft, probably more.

Quoted from Ryan1

Gotta say, all the people in the Old Biddies shop seem unbelievably unimpressed that there is a genuine human clone standing among them.  I mean, there's just no reaction from them at all.  They give Clone Wife an apron and put her to work.  It just stretches credibility beyond the breaking point, IMO.

Well, it's more a matter of not going to that well again and again.
We already have that beat with Travis, Stig and Renee.
Cutting to post explanation with everyone else is best.
Anything more would be a waste of space and stink of amateur hour.
Same with Guy later, I can only go to that well so many times.
Besides, I've found old folks are surprisingly accepting of the fantastic.
They've seen it all already anyways.   

Quoted from Ryan1

The script is really lagging in the tension department.  I was hoping once Renee and Clone Wife took off in the car, there might be some interesting Thelma and Louise type spin.

Neat idea, but that's a different movie, IMO.
I know rom/coms and family fun movies aren't your cup of tea, I respect that.
Maybe you'd like the Western I wrote. Only two kids and lots of people get shot.
An idea...perhaps they could party then go to their parents' house. Could be fun.
It would be a heck of an intro to the parents of the situation.

Quoted from Ryan1

So, I'm on page 84, I see there are only about 12 pages left in the story and we have a three page pictionary scene.  This is where the story should be boiling out of control, but everything has a very tepid feel to it.  

I felt showing them trying to act like a normal family was important.
Showing Renee's arc from happy to get CW away from Travis to...
Misanthropic about "sharing her family" with a new "sister".
I can probably get in there and trim more though.

Quoted from Ryan1

At the playground scene, Clone Wife has forgiven Travis?  Why?

CW accepts Travis's help in lending a hand in her finding herself.
It's stated plainly in the scene, she doesn't know who she is.
But Travis will help her as she discovers who she truly is.
Like he should have years ago, with Renee.
He's not absolved of anything, it's a chance to grow. Not a free pass. IMO.

Quoted from Ryan1

I wasn't sure what they were all doing in that motel room or what Travis would have a royalty check from.

Renee moved in there until her job situation was sorted. Now, she's off again.
Travis sold all the lab gear, Astrid states that in pretty plain language.

Quoted from Ryan1

But why exactly would Renee be Lamaze breathing on the race to the hospital?  

The bond between them intensifies in crisis.
The link Renee and CW share goes all the way back to the ice cream.
It's touched upon several times, but never explained.
You're the first to not pick up on that, that I know of. I'll keep an eye on it.

Quoted from Ryan1

Question about the baby:  why would anything be different about it this time?  It wasn't strong enough to survive the first birth, and it's DNA is exactly the same, why would it be born strong and healthy this time?

It's an undeniably cool scene with older Renee helping her younger self through the birth, though.

Didn't buy clone wife giving up her baby.  I just can't see a woman giving up her baby that easily, even if she is gving it up to herself.  I thought she loved Travis.  Why is she leaving?  And if she's leaving, doesn't she finally deserve a name?  Maybe use her middle name?
[/quote]
It's not CW's life, Ryan. Think about it.
Now that she's there, CW has a right to live her own life.
And she entrusts those that gave her life with the life she brought into the word.
She helped put Travis and Renee on their path.
Now, it's time for her to find her own road.

I addressed the name thing in a new ending I wrote on Friday.
Partly, due to your notes about that. So, thanks.
That draft will be posted here sooner than later.

Quoted from Ryan1

Again, this is all just IMO.  Some people might absolutely love it.  You're definitely a skilled wordsmith who can turn a phrase with ease.  

Good luck with it and if you have any additional questions about my notes, lemme know.

Ryan

I think things went astray with the misunderstanding about what CW overheard.
I'll fix that. This script is something you buy into, or you don't.
Not everyone will go along with the story's conceit. It's all good though.
Thanks for the detailed thoughts. They'll help in the next draft.

So, what's the latest on "Will to Live"?
New drafts to post are you playing coy since you're going the contest route?

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Ryan1
Posted: December 5th, 2011, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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Brett,

I think my confusion with that Lamaze scene probably stems from the fact that I spread the reading of this script out over about a week or so.  I guess I had forgotten about the ice cream match cut by then.  That being said, I think you could use this "Corsican twin" thing for a few more laughs and reinforce the idea by including it in a couple different scenes.

With the Thelma and Louise notion, I didn't really expect it to turn into a road movie suddenly, it just felt like there was some bonding scene missing there when they both take off in the car.  They go from "cat fight for the ages" to best buds mighty quick.

Now, old folks may be surprisingly accepting of the fantastic, but I think a human clone would amaze even the most jaded geezer.  It's also a missed opportunity for some humor, I think.   You could have these people just stare at the clone, then back at Renee.  Maybe poke the clone to make sure she's real.  Maybe even ask if they could get clones of their younger selves, as in fifty years younger.

The royalty check scene confused me for a couple reasons.  Maybe it was the actual word "royalty."  That makes it sound more like Travis sold an idea or concept to some huge corporation and was raking in the dough from that.  And that, actually, would make a lot of sense.  Instead of teaching some college class, he could cut a deal to become head of some research lab and use his own cloning techniques to break new ground in that field.  I know Astrid plainly said he sold every last computer chip, but what about the lab explosion?  I thought that destroyed basically everything because you do say in a line that Travis and Stig walk through the "wreckage" of the lab.  So, I'm still not sure what Travis has sold to get this check.

I do understand what you were going for with the ending with clone wife going off on her own, it's just that scene where she handed over the baby somehow felt devoid of emotion for me.  They share a look and then "Renee realizes something."  Just felt like you needed more there for such a pivotal scene.

With Will to Live, yeah, I'm just gonna wait and see how it fares in this Kairos contest.  I'm not really looking to rewrite that one at this point, just looking for a new project to start.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
Brett,
That being said, I think you could use this "Corsican twin" thing for a few more laughs and reinforce the idea by including it in a couple different scenes.

Hey Ryan,

I was primarily using it as a plot device in a few places.
But that's a good idea to use it to insert some giggles.

Quoted from Ryan1

With the Thelma and Louise notion, I didn't really expect it to turn into a road movie suddenly, it just felt like there was some bonding scene missing there when they both take off in the car.  They go from "cat fight for the ages" to best buds mighty quick.

Valid point. I can see a beat in the car after they leave Travis.
Something about figuring out where they are going.
They "synced up" before they had a plan kinda vibe, I like it. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

Now, old folks may be surprisingly accepting of the fantastic, but I think a human clone would amaze even the most jaded geezer.  It's also a missed opportunity for some humor, I think.   You could have these people just stare at the clone, then back at Renee.  Maybe poke the clone to make sure she's real.  Maybe even ask if they could get clones of their younger selves, as in fifty years younger.

That could be a great beat in the book shop while they're stocking shelves.
I'll buy that for a dollar!

Quoted from Ryan1

The royalty check scene confused me for a couple reasons.  Maybe it was the actual word "royalty."  That makes it sound more like Travis sold an idea or concept to some huge corporation and was raking in the dough from that.  And that, actually, would make a lot of sense.  Instead of teaching some college class, he could cut a deal to become head of some research lab and use his own cloning techniques to break new ground in that field.  I know Astrid plainly said he sold every last computer chip, but what about the lab explosion?  I thought that destroyed basically everything because you do say in a line that Travis and Stig walk through the "wreckage" of the lab.  So, I'm still not sure what Travis has sold to get this check.

This is some well thought out ideas, but I have him teach for a reason.
I want Travis to be more "available" for the baby. So, no more research.
He's a family man now, but I see where you're coming from.
I can clean up Astrid's explanation and minimize the wreckage.
Indicate somehow the supercomputers are salvageable, but the chamber is not.

Quoted from Ryan1

I do understand what you were going for with the ending with clone wife going off on her own, it's just that scene where she handed over the baby somehow felt devoid of emotion for me.  They share a look and then "Renee realizes something."  Just felt like you needed more there for such a pivotal scene.

And to this very specific point, I reworked the ending last week.
I added dialogue between CW and Renee at the end to clarify things.
There's also a beat with the repaired robotic arms return.
And an ending extension beyond CW driving down the road.
I road tested it with a couple folks with positive reviews, so far.
I'll get it up here after a few more tweaks, time for a new draft update.

Much gratitude for the well stated and thought out comments!

Regards,
Brett


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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