SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is January 17th, 2021, 3:09am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Items of Note:

Yes, I am running script reviews, again...
find a good Script and write a review!

Scripts Studios Are Posting For 2021 Award Consideration

I'm not ignoring you. Check your spam folder.


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Clone Wife Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Clone Wife  (currently 20285 views)
Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.72
***STATUS UPDATE***

A feature producer I pitched at Sherwood Oaks read the script and contacted me.
She gushed to me about Clone Wife. Loved the script.
Said it was a "great message movie for women starting over".
I honestly had never thought if it that way, but I didn't tell her that.

She reps Chinese investors that fund international film projects like, "Wu Xia".
Which I think is being called "Swordsman" in the worldwide market.



She pitched her investors, but they didn't go for it.
Clone Wife is too American to appeal to her clients. I get it, it's all good.
If it was up to her, she would've bought the script. That's nice to hear.

I told her I wrote a western with one of Wu Xia's stars in mind. She perked at that.
Then laid my pretty vast knowledge of Hong Kong movie trivia on her.
She got excited again, and is now going back to her investors with a new proposal.

The idea being, to get me a writing assignment for a Chinese film production.
You never know who you're going to meet in this whacky town.  

So, one of those "close calls" with Clone Wife could work out in another way.
I'm not discouraged about my script being passed, at least it's raising a few eyebrows.
Much like the enthusiastic pass I got on Zombie Playground not too long ago.

Fingers, toes and eye crossed.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 75 - 156
Mr.Ripley
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1951
Posts Per Day
0.37
Good news, brett. Congrats. Hope everything goes well. How's Zombie Playground going?
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 76 - 156
Ryan1
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 4:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1101
Posts Per Day
0.28
Very nice.  That's some quick thinking there to pitch a Chinese Western on the fly.  Good luck.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 77 - 156
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3438
Posts Per Day
0.82
Sounds like just a matter of time now bud.

A lesson to us all.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 78 - 156
Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 8th, 2011, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.72

Quoted from Ryan1
Very nice.  That's some quick thinking there to pitch a Chinese Western on the fly.  Good luck.


Thanks to all you kind well wishers.
I'll do my best to represent....

Ryan,

Oh, I did a whole lot more than pitch air on the fly.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-western/m-1287179995/s-0/

Red Sun was the first "test drive" feature script I ever wrote.
The samurai part was always played by Takeshi Kaneshiro in my mind.
And he's the lead of Wu Xia, along with Donnie Yen.

I tracked down the rights holder, should this ever get some industry heat.

Having a brain like a movie rolodex pays off sometimes!
Connect the dots...then get a job!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 79 - 156
Hugh Hoyland
Posted: December 8th, 2011, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Florida
Posts
328
Posts Per Day
0.09

Quoted from Electric Dreamer


Thanks to all you kind well wishers.
I'll do my best to represent....

Ryan,

Oh, I did a whole lot more than pitch air on the fly.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-western/m-1287179995/s-0/

Red Sun was the first "test drive" feature script I ever wrote.
The samurai part was always played by Takeshi Kaneshiro in my mind.
And he's the lead of Wu Xia, along with Donnie Yen.

I tracked down the rights holder, should this ever get some industry heat.

Having a brain like a movie rolodex pays off sometimes!
Connect the dots...then get a job!

Regards,
E.D.


Hey Fantastic Job!

Your efforts will pay off soon it seems. Keep up the excelent work and never give up.

Harley


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 80 - 156
CoopBazinga
Posted: December 10th, 2011, 9:13am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1184
Posts Per Day
0.36
This was a really interesting concept and written superbly. I loved the poster and the title also works for me.  I won’t go into any issues about the formatting because to be honest, I couldn’t fault much and I’m sure previous posters have already stated what there was.

I read a different draft of this as a guest a few months ago and think you have changed this for the better. The opening reads a lot smoother and there were some scenes that were cut that help the story run better.

Montana Tony’s, as a big fan of the film I loved this and every joke, reference to it. I thought there was some great chemistry between Travis and Algernon which sounds strange as it is a man and his dog but I liked that.

The scene with Guy and the prawns was funny but overall I felt Guy could have more to do. I understand their rivalry has been stated in the past, but it would be nice to see him trying to get back with Renee after she, or should I say they left Travis, just a thought.

I wasn’t sure about the Swann character, didn’t seem to have much to do and I thought he wasn’t relevant but maybe I missed something.

The last quarter of the story seemed to go into more drama territory which is fine but if this is meant to be a rom/com, then for me it needs to finish on a funnier or happier note.

Overall I really enjoyed this, it’s a fantastic read and for someone like me, it’s also a great tutorial lesson which will help me on future projects so thank you for posting this.

Good luck with it.

Steve

Logged
Private Message Reply: 81 - 156
Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 14th, 2011, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.72

Quoted from conwall
“HONEY, I CLONED THE WIFE”


Really liking it so far.

Awesome title.  This is a title bound to turn on Hollywood pros.  Two words, two syllables even!  The whole plot is evident immediately.  This is the definition of “high-concept” and it’s worth its weight in gold.
  
Hey Con!

Thanks for taking a look at this.
It's been a whacky past couple of months.
My apologies for the belated reply.

I'm a little unsure which draft of this you've read.
The latest upload was a half an hour before you posted your critique.
So, I'm assuming this is the version prior to the fresh draft uploaded on 11/3.
And there were a ton of changes in that.

I felt the same way about the concept when it started to form in my brain.
Took over a year just to nail down the idea and tweak it into shape.
Watched a lot of "related" movies, such as "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids."

I've gotten a lot of excited reactions when I pitch industry folks.
In time, perhaps one of them will put their money where their mouth is.

Quoted from conwall

Page 11, We should see him writing on the back of the photo, but not what he writes.  Let that mellow for awhile.  We don’t find out what it says until SHE reads it.

I could see that working, but it might frustrate the reader it's left out until the end.
I always felt Travis's earnest attempt and rejection was more poignant.
But the surprise reveal could have a good impact too.

Quoted from conwall

Page 12:  Still like it a lot.  Starting to think of ways to shorten it.  Why does she want to break up with him in front of her whole family?  I mean, some of the family stuff is really funny.  “Let’s drink wine so we don’t have to talk so much.”  That’s funny.  But seriously, what would make a woman do that?  Fear?  He doesn’t seem like the threatening type.  

Every time she tries to bring it up, Travis overruns her.
There's a couple examples before the break up scene.
And I'm sure on the next pass, it will get tightened up.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 12:  Extension cord, lol.

I don't know why that popped into my head one day, but it did and I wrote it down.
An extension cord belt for a bathrobe kinda says it all, doesn't it?
I wanted to find a humorous way to show Travis wallowing.
Glad it resonated with you.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 14.  Is Algernon a cat?  Earlier you said he nudged somebody.  Cats nudge.  Dogs leap on.  Dogs don’t cough up hair balls either.  They lick their butts, of course.  But hey, who wouldn’t?

This makes me think you got the old draft.
Most of this got excised out of the fresh rewrite.
There's been WHOLESALE changes throughout on the current draft online.
And even that should change again any day, I uploaded new tweaks last week.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 18, When he’s alone he should just be talking to the dog instead of v.o. or typing.

I developed the robotic arms to serve as a "sounding board" for Travis.
In the latest draft, I take that even further.
I think it enhances the fairy tale qualities of the story.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 19, The hollywood cliché is to have a long exterior shot showing weird lights emanating from inside the house.

Yeah, kinda have to go there, don't I.
It's a big visual cue, could help a reader see the story better. Thanks.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 21, I’m having a hard time understanding why Stig is being so nice to his soon to be former brother in law.  These people usually just forget they knew each other.

At the end of the break up scene, Travis says something to Stig...
Whatever you do don't take down that Tony Montana art, it's great.
Even though earlier, Travis was making fun of Stig's individuality in the car.
But Travis has some clarity right after Renee dumps him.
And he realizes that individuality is all you have left after you're dumped.
I felt that line and Stig smiling indicated a connection.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 28.  Completely out of character that the guy would leave the experiment while it is going on so he could go upstairs and have his little dream sequence.  If you feel like you need to keep it he should at least be sleeping at the console.

He didn't intentionally start the cloning of his wife's hair.
He was looking at her DNA under the electron microscope.
Typed in the wrong commend before calling it a night, etc.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 32.  Sequencing remark is too on the nose.

To that end, I want to rework where it talks to the robotic arms.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 36.  Interest flagging a little again.  Where is the conflict?  She came out perfect?  Honestly dude, I think the guy would be trying to just bang her.  Personally, a nine-year younger version of my wife would be much the turn on.  

There is that, but the shock overrides that.
Could be a good recurring joke, they keep getting interrupted when they "rev up".

I did make Clone Wife come out blank slate-ish bouncy to start.
She begins almost like a kid in a new world, everything's exciting.
Perhaps I could work a little more of that into the scene.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 41.  Spine tingling on top of page 41.  Wow.  What a twist.  Just the right amount of clue.  Not overdone.  Could be close there.  Nice job.

Glad you like that. Ryan called it the Corsican vibe.
Any classic tropes like that I can incorporate into a story helps focus things.
Also it makes it way easier for me to pitch executives.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 46.  I can think of a lot funnier stuff Stig could be saying here.  He seems almost non-plussed which sort of hurts the script.  Can’t we raise the stakes as he threatens to go to the cops, or the FBI, or whatever?  Maybe he reacts to her like she’s a ghoulish monster, but she just thinks she has bad breath or something like that.

I could do with a bit of that, in general, I wanted to stay away from explanations.
But I could have Stig veer back into overreaction for a beat or two.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 52.  A regular mom would probably think that Travis had drugged her, or threatened her, or something like that.  She’d be extremely suspicious.

That sounds like something Astrid would say.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 56 is a good example of idiotic self help speak.  Reminds me of ‘Up in the Air’ with George Clooney.  The movie was so so, but the script was amazing.

I like how its all about how easily personalized that rhetoric is.
But on its own merit, it really is nothing of substance.
Which I felt was appropriate for the old flame's back story.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 57.  There is no scrod, lol.  I bet only about 1 in 20 people get that.

But those that do are unlikely to forget it.
I admit, it's a bit of a selfish joke.
And if this were ever to be filmed, delivery would make or break it.
But, I'm a sucker for word play classic comedy, so there it is on the page.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 59.  Unfortunately, you kind of step on the prawn visual joke because we already saw the prawns in the kitchen earlier.  

I thought the set up would build anticipation.
I didn't want it to be a left field surprise.
Perhaps it doesn't quite have the desired effect.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 60.  Nitpicky, I’m sure, but most of these reunions are in hotels and stuff, not really in the school gym anymore.

True. But, I am playing the nostalgia card here with our couple.
Travis is metaphorically regressing through his life with Renee.
So, a high school auditorium felt much more appropriate.
A "Peggy Sue Got Married" vibe, if you will.
And yes, that film played an influence in this script.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 65.  Doesn’t she still have a key?

Travis is leaning against the door, so she knocks.
I can make that clearer.

Quoted from conwall

The scum bag comment seems a little out of character for Clone Wife.  She seems pretty easy going so far.  Wouldn’t she just be assuming there is a reasonable explanation for all of this?

Point taken. I should rework that bit. Thanks.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 71.  I’m feeling like I’m missing out on the French Farce thing.  I’m wishing there was a sequence that shows the two of them to Mom and Dad and Stig, and Guy or something where nobody realizes there are actually two of them.  Did you already think of this and dismiss it as too cliché?

I did have a scene like that in earlier drafts.
But I felt it really delayed the story for the sake of some comedy beats.
And got that note back as well from some readers.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 79.  Funny here if somebody was trying to explain to the old biddies the difference between clones and zombies.  Because the old ladies don’t calm down around her until they get this bit sorted out.

I seem to need a beat there, you're not the only one that brought this up.
Thinking the Biddies catch themselves staring at her, etc. Something.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 82.  Still find myself wishing for more of a ticking clock motif here.  Why isn’t anybody (Guy?  Wade?) calling the cops to turn up the heat on the guy.  

There's a beat where Wade mentions the cops didn't believe him.
I didn't want to spend much time on it this late in the game.
The bigger ticking clocks are Stig giving Travis one day with CW and the baby.

Quoted from conwall

In summation.  I really liked this script a lot.  Zils better than 95% of the dreck on this site.  Strong, fun, easy to understand premise.

Thoughtfully executed.  Several very funny (lol) moments plus a bunch of light laughs too.  

Spot on formatting, with just an extremely few changes I’d make.  

I'm glad you enjoyed the script.
Took a year and half of marinating and massaging to get it where it is.
And I still have new ideas for this project every week.

There's a new draft to be uploaded soon.
It has some tweaks throughout, but mostly towards the end.
Poor CW didn't get the ending she deserved in this draft.
So, I changed that with the help of some recommendation by other members.
It feels a lot more satisfying to me, I'd like to get your thoughts on it.
Thanks a ton for the super detailed read and thoughtful comments.

You've been a big help.
Happy to return the gesture and give you some coverage anytime.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 82 - 156
Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 16th, 2011, 11:59am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.72

Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Brett,

A better read. Up too pg. 17. However, there's a problem. How does Travis get the missing element towards making his experiments work? I must've missed that. Or maybe make it a bit clearer. I know the dog has to do with it but I guess I don't get it.  

Gabe


Hey Gabe,

Thanks again for all your efforts, it's been a big help with my work.
I"m glad you found this read easier to get through. I worked hard on it.
I did put a beat in there about the TinkerToy conking Travis in the head.
Perhaps it should be a bit of a bigger beat again.
It used to be the whole Molecuzilla revelation scene. I can massage that.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from leitskev

I haven't had time yet to get past the first quarter of the new draft, but like I said, HUGE improvement. Nothing as far as the read was a stumbling block this time. Most things seemed well conveyed.

This concept is very similar to a time travel movie, in that there are inevitably logic problems. But that hasn't stopped time travel movies from being successful.


Kev,

Super astute observation and you are absolutely correct.
Clone Wife is a somewhat reverse engineered time travel tale.

But this time, instead of traveling back to the past.
The past comes to our hero in the form of our Clone Wife.

That and the fairy tale elements really drew me to the material.
I didn't have to create a time travel machine to get that effect.
It was a bonus of what I chose to do with the cloning machine.

And yes, I did read about your ending thoughts you posted after this.
There's a new draft waiting to be posted that addresses some of those thoughts.
It should be on the thread soon, I'll get into more detail on that later.

Regards,
E.D.

To be continued...
Eoin's awesomely mammoth review up next!


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 83 - 156
Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 20th, 2011, 11:56am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.72

Quoted from Eoin

This draft zips along like an old Singer sewing machine. Talk about chalk and cheese compared to your previous draft. This one flows.

Hey Eoin!

Thanks again for taking a second look at this.
You're a glutton for punishment and it's greatly appreciated!
I'm relieved to hear you say that. I was terrified I'd lost my edge.
Coupled with some medical worries, that last draft was a nightmare for me.
For a little while, I thought Red Sun and Zombie Playground were flukes.
October was a tough month filled with insecurities.
But this draft came out of that, so it was all worth it in the end.

Quoted from Eoin

Up to Page 30. Interesting to see how this will play out. Not so sure about the nighmare sequence, it doesn't advance the story, it seems like an unecessary inclusion. After Travis wakes up from his nightmare, i find it hard to believe he doesn't notice Renee is 10 years younger.

I used the nightmare sequence to facilitate Travis's suspension of disbelief.
He's in a sweat and panic when he wakes up from the nightmare.
And BAM! There's Clone Wife, the adjustment takes a couple moments.
But when it kicks in, Travis is simply so relived to see her as being real.
She "looks amazing" partially because she's also younger.
Travis figures that out pretty quickly.
I wanted to create circumstances that would make that passable.
I think given Travis's heightened state when he sees her, it works.
He has more pressing things on his mind other than she looks super hawt.
Besides, I think folks overestimate the differences between 30 and 40 a bit.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 31 - Travis hasn't clicked that Renee is a clone when she tells him she woke up naked in the lab, it takes the married a year comment. All this begs the real question, why we don't see her emerge from the chamber in the lab, the big reveal. It is called Clone Wife, the audience will feel cheated they don't see her cloned.

I could see that working, show the computer acting somewhat on its own.
Perhaps I could integrate it into Travis's nightmare somehow.
Could lead to some sexy intercuts for the director/editor.

Quoted from Eoin

Why doesn't Clone Wife also know that Travis is 10 years older?

He "looks like cr*p" in her mind due to waking up from a terrible nightmare.
But when the love and hope return to him, he looks "young again" to her.
It's like a spell being cast and they both see the light in each other.
Logic is cast aside by our despondent Travis in the face of hope.
That's what I'm going for, perhaps I can be more explicit about in the descriptions.

Quoted from Eoin

This is an interesting take on the clone idea. The clone wife is actually a replicant, identical in every way to Renee, but nine years younger. A clone on the other hand is a genetic copy like a twin and is an individual in their own right. I'm willing to suspend belief on this idea.

That's the idea, peppered with a bit of the Corsican twins dynamic for good measure.
Essentially, this script is a fairy tale rom/com with some twists.
One being, the other woman isn't another woman.
I felt if I structured the fantasy parts with relatable lore, folks would be into it.

Quoted from Eoin

Up to page 41. The set  up with Renee in Tokyo gives Travis some convienent  freedom. I think the premise might be more interesting, create more situational comedy and tension, if he had to juggle between Renee and Clone Wife in the same house.

That's one way to go, but not the story that got me excited to write the script.
What you're describing has a lot of situational slapstick appeal.
And I do briefly "go there" with Renee's unexpected return.
But to play that out over with Renee living in the house doesn't work for me.
Because in my mind, that makes Travis a cheater.
I don't want my hero to flat out consciously cheat on his wife.
While it may be true Renee's departure appears convenient, there's other reasons too.
Travis needs to learn how to take responsibility for his actions.
And he can't juggle much of anything until he embraces that concept.
To that end, Travis's learning arc needs to start with him, not her.
It has to be about him, and not how he relates to others.
That's why I chose to send Renee away.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 47. I don't see why Renee suddenly changes her mind, what's the motivation?

The Corsican effect has been sharing experiences between CW and Renee.
Renee feels Clone Wife's hope and passion for the "future" of thier marriage.
That's a powerful aphrodisiac for a disenchanted wife bereft of  hope.
Perhaps I can play that up a little more in the script.

Quoted from Eoin

The conversation bewteen Astrid, Guy, Travis and Clone Wife needs to be sharper and more focused. I want to see Travis squirm. At this point the dynamic isn't clear. Does Clone Wife know or not? Maybe the audience should know if she does.

You're the second to bring up that ambiguity, so it must need some attention.
I should be clearer about what Clone Wife does and doesn't know.
I'll go in there and route out the vagueness and tighten it up. Thanks.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 68. Travis tells Renee that he thought they could start over (referring to Clone wife), but that's not what we are shown - we see him clearly having a great time with Clone Wife - the moment of realisation where Travis figures out that he must make amends with Renee is not clear, nor is the reason for this epiphany.

It's not an epiphany at all. It's a false revelation.
Travis speaks to Renee about Clone Wife, as if they're one and the same.
That's an integral part of his flaw he must overcome.
This is not a do-over, this is life in all its unexpected glory.
Travis hasn't embraced that yet, hence the false epiphany.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 72. Why are the wives fighting each other and not directing their anger at Travis and why aren't they more shocked at the situation, they seem to be far too accepting.

The ring is about identity and comfort of familiar, albeit damaged, situations.
For Clone Wife, the ring is a declaration of her choice to marry Travis.
For Renee, it represents what she liked about her life and wants back.
Neither one of them is prepared to let go of what is an important identifier yet.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 74. Clone Wife is pregnant. But the conflict between Travis and Renee still hasn't been addressed by way of a confrontation, instead Clone Wife and Renee are pals all of a sudden in the master bedroom.

Travis still hasn't learned his lessons, he's ill equipped at this time to solve things.
The women have synched up over their mutual goal of leaving Travis.
It's a twist of "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" concept.
I've seen rival women join forces to stick it in and break it off in a guy before.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 75. Confusion here over who is driving?

Renee puts the key in the ignition.
RENEE
Hit it.
Clone Wife starts the car, burns rubber and drives away.

It's not a typo. They're taking their syncing to a ridiculous extreme in the moment.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 84. I'm feeling cheated at this stage. The premise of the film still hasn't come to the fore, but simmers somewhere under the surface. The whole deal with Guy is too neat, Travis hasn't had to confront his problems and . . . change, he has to change.

I would say that making amends with your wife's old flame is a good step.
He was wrong, he admits his mistake and helps Guy work through his own fears a bit.
I don't see a drawn out heart to heart here being the way to go.
Guy can't help Travis directly change. He's not the right guy for that. That's Stig.
And Stig does help Travis make another change shortly thereafter.
But owning up to his petty jealousies with Guy is a solid baby step.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 90. I don't see why Astrid now champions Travis, what's the motivation, he sold his research equipment, what about the way the has treated Renee and Clone Wife? Travis has twice proved himself selfish and uncaring.

Travis has dedicated himself to seeing the pregnancy through with Clone Wife.
He's sworn off the invention and taken responsibility for his creation.
Travis changed himself to fix the wrongs he's caused.

Astrid doesn't champion Travis, she does champion facing your mistakes.
And she thinks it's a grave mistake for her daughter to walk away.
There's a unique opportunity before her to literally confront her past.
As a mother, it's her calling to help her daughter grow.
Astrid doesn't say get back with Travis. She says, stay for the birth.

Quoted from Eoin

The end just doesn't work for me. We never find out why Renee lost the baby and if it caused a major rift in the marriage (which should have been highlighted earlier) Why has Clone Wife given up the baby?? She's now driving off into the sunset What happened with Guy.

The baby rift is addressed in the story that Travis tells Algernon.
And the concept is brought into the third act with the defunct nursery being unlocked.

Is it really giving up your baby when you're entrusting the child to "yourself"?
Now that you know that other you has overcome their fears and moved forward.
Not to mention the Corsican effect the ladies share.

But, there is a new draft I'm hoping gets posted to the thread soon.
It does address some dialogue ambiguity in the final scenes.
And it extends the ending to give Clone Wife the reward she deserves.

Thanks for the detailed read and insights.
They'll come in handy during the next swing I take at this script in 2012.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 84 - 156
dogglebe
Posted: December 20th, 2011, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Having just read this, I am at a bit of a loss for words.  While I liked the story (great premise, btw), I wasn't sure if this should be labelled a comedy or a light drama.  It was kind of middle-of-the-road in regards to the genre.

The was a little scattershot for me and should've been better focused.  Mister Swan was a completely unnecessary character.  Guy wasn't really needed, either.  Either do more with these characters or just get rid of them.  Concentrate more on Travis and Renee.

Travis' character needs a lot more development.  He was the cliche scientist that I've seen in numerous other movies (Doc Brown in Back To The Future, Professor Brody in Cats and Dogs, etc.) who gets so involved in his work that he doesn't realize that his life is crumbling around him.  I started disliking his character in the first few pages.  He was a clueless nerd without any redeeming qualities.  By page ten, I wanted to give this script a swirlie.

Renee was a cold bitch and we don't find out why until later on.  I can deal with that, but she also could've been better developed.  I wondered what her job was and how she'd get a promotion/transfer to Japan.  I didn't see any indication what her job was, except that she works in an office.

Travis got over the fact that he owns a cloned Renee very quickly.  So did Renee's family; they just let her in the family so easily.

You could've done more with the cloned Renee.  So much can be done with her walking around the house and experimenting with the newer technology.  Imagine she finds the television remote and is unaware that Travis has a big screen television with surround sound.  She hits the power button and a locomotive roars up to her on the high-def television.  She screams!  Trying to turn on some music would be a challenge for her; she'd wonder where the hell all the CDs are.  I think the bulk of the story should be this, not Renee's dysfunctional family.

IMHO, the story could be much tighter.


Phil

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
dogglebe  -  December 20th, 2011, 8:57pm
Logged
e-mail Reply: 85 - 156
Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 26th, 2011, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.72

Quoted from leitskev
Here I am, sitting here working on my own stuff, and I guess I had it somewhere in my head that I have to get back to Clone soon, to read the rewrite, because OUT OF NOWHERE popped into my head an idea for Clone. Something that solves one of the issues people seemed to complain about. Hear it out Brett, weigh it for a while, before you reject it out of hand. If nothing else keep it on file if people keep complaining about the ending.

The solution is so obvious I don't know why I didn't see it before. All he has to do is clone himself! The copy that goes to clone wife will have the same memory as Travis, at least from the moment his tissue was taken.

You can go a lot of different routes with that. For the most simple solution, clone husband could be in the car with clone wife at the end. But if you really wanted to play around with this, he could clone himself earlier(yes, I've seen the Simpsons episode). He could use his clone to try to keep clone wife and Renee from finding out about each other. For example, Renee unexpectedly comes home, and clone Travis tells her there was a fire at the house, or mold, and they have to stay with her parents.

Of course, if clone wife is not in on things, eventually she will go visit her parents and all hell will break loose.

Clone Travis could even have "an affair" with Renee, making Travis jealous, perhaps somewhat irrationally.

It does open some more creative doors.


Hey Kev,

Thanks for sharing the brainstorm.
I did think about these kind of things for a while in the treatment phase.
Which is why I always left younger Travis's hair in the photo album.
But I eventually shied away from the more "Multiplicity" style approach.

That being said, that more commercial comic story could be told.
But I had Clone Wife flush the hair to tell a more emotional tale.

I do agree that our Clone Wife does deserve a better ending.
And I did write an extension of the ending in a new draft.
It does touch on some of the sentiments you've expressed.
And I clarified some of the language between Clone Wife and Renee.
The goal being to subtly play up the Corsican effect they share.

Hope the new end pages work better.
Thanks again for your insights.

Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 86 - 156
Andrew
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 1:18am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1670
Posts Per Day
0.38
Hey Brett,

Just an update to say I am now 36 pages in and retiring for the night, but not before I add my thoughts thus far.

You've got a marketable concept that could easily sell. One of the strengths is that it just feels like an '80s Weird Science, Back to the Future-type movie in spirit. My only worry is whether or not that will fly with today. For those who remember when those movies came out, it would be welcome nostalgia but will it fly with a younger audience? To circumvent that problem, I think you need to add more a concrete hook that will make this script more attractive to producers. If you think of how Anchorman set about crystallising that era but in a more contemporary setting - it nicely straddled an era piece and today. I think you can do something similar with this. Same with the Wedding Singer, they made a big thing of the era but didn't try to pull it off as a realistic portrayal of the '80s. The characters acted modern day but with Wham t-shirts. That's a cool quirk. I think it could serve you well.

I had a glance over comments to see if there were any references to Doc Brown and Multiplicity and there were. Whilst it's inevitable there will be parallels drawn, I do think it suggests you need to do more to differentiate the characters and concept. Not big things - but things that will change up common expectations. Phil referenced, for example, the generic nature of Travis, and I do agree. What is Guy and Travis were bosom buddies but something happened to send them on wildly different paths? It would change the dynamic of the geek versus the hunk.

Talking of Guy, he's got to be more of a presence - I'm thinking of Brad Cutter Ruined My Life Again. Everywhere the lead turned, there was Brad Cutter. I think that's what you're missing in this first third - any real threat. I think you need to bring Guy into play much earlier. Also, Brad Cutter is a very memorable name and funny. Even changing up these names would give you a lift. I also agree with Ryan about renaming Clone Wife and in turn using that as a title change.

I know it's comedy, but Travis is embarking on world changing science and up to this point, there's no moneyed or shadowy threat. In Back to the Future, we see Doc facing a threat early on. I think you could sacrifice the slightly repetitious try and fails with the experiment once Renee has left and replace it with more threat/more conflict that will raise the stakes for Travis. He needs another subplot to contend with other than Renee/family dislike/Guy - they are all pretty standard fare for conflicts and you'd benefit from freshening that up.

I loved Astrid and some of her jokes, though - particularly the one about the '80s. I couldn't help picturing the mother in Melancholia, which is a compliment. Also, I saw the suggestion about delaying the Bueller gag and couldn't agree more - that's a great suggestion I think you should wangle in there.

Overall, this is looking good and I'll get back to you when I've read the rest.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 87 - 156
Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.72

Quoted from James McClung

Long story short, your angle is a little more cartoony and enables a little more suspension of disbelief.

Hey James!

Thanks a ton for taking a second look, you glutton for punishment!

That's what I was trying for with the cloning tech and gear.
I figured there were things I could do to increase potential suspension of disbelief.
So, I went the more relatable fantasy route with the machine.
Likening it to a goo souffle and the gesturing robotic arms, etc.
That felt more conducive to a fairy tale romance fantasy environment.

Quoted from James McClung

Anyway, I had mixed feelings about this script, as I did Zombie Playground. I think I liked it better than Zombie Playground as ZP was way left field from its subject matter. Zombies have been taken way too far in the goofy/satirical route in recent times for my taste so reading more of that stuff is a little trying. This one's elements seemed to blend a little bit better and the genre and tonal idiosyncrasies were a little more charming than disjointed.

I never seem to make it easy on myself in this department.
Especially with my original stories. Always veering towards the quirky storytelling.
The assignment I'm on right now will be much more straightforward.
Then again, I feel Red Sun is a pretty straight shooting affair.
It will be a nice change of pace to get out of fantasy stuff for a little while.

Quoted from James McClung

I think developing the lost child subplot further would help develop Renee's character, whom I understood leaving Travis but not coming back to him.

I think another hint or two...maybe, but nothing more.
I stayed away from it mostly due to the heavy nature of the event.
That can easily devolve into melodrama if I'm not careful.
Which would be death for a fairy tale type story like Clone Wife, IMO.

Quoted from James McClung

Stig was one guy I didn't get. That is, I didn't understand why he was so chummy with Travis. Are they actually friends? What's the history here?

Right before Travis leaves the restaurant in the first act, there's a moment.
Travis could turn and yell and be petty and all that towards Renee.
But he doesn't, instead he compliments Stig's decor and walks out on his own terms.
There's a beat when Stig smiles and regards Travis in a new light.
I'll have to be clearer about that next time around. Thanks.

Quoted from James McClung

Guy was a problematic character. Astrid's affinity for him was ripe for some interesting conflict as she clearly wasn't fond of Travis so that worked. But he didn't really project himself as much of a villain, even with Clone Wife taking kind of a fancy to him. That actually kind of hurt the whole "Clone Wife is so much better than my real wife" angle. I mean, if Guy was hitting on her or something then it might've balanced out. Clone Wife's interest would be more responsive than inherent.

Guy has gone through major changes in recent drafts.
And I know it's not nailed down yet, but moving in the right trajectory IMO.
There are beats where Guy hits on Clone Wife in the book shop and dinner.
Perhaps I was too subtle and need to broaden it up a bit.

Not really sure what to do with the cat but I think you need to reconsider his character.

There's no awkward moments where Clone Wife reveals her offness. Everyone just seems to go along with her. Any moments of characters picking up on clone strangeness seemed to go to Algernon. Then at the end, when the cat's out of the bag, everyone seems to go along with the fact that there's two Renees.
[/quote]
I wanted to say away from repetitive reveals about Clone Wife.
But I can see room for more, especially at the book shop.
Where the Old Biddies play nice, but have their doubts when she's not looking, etc.
It needs a tonal polish for this type of stuff. Zeroing in.

Quoted from James McClung

Not only can you have outside characters on the verge of discovering Clone Wife's origins, you can have Clone Wife herself on the verge. I think that's equally dramatic, if not more.

I hadn't thought of that before, I like it!

Quoted from James McClung

But again, it's the ease with which she does this. I don't think she should fight to keep the baby or anything and I think she should be able to recognize that it's a precious gift that she should be able to give birth and make Renee and Travis's lives better when it's the one thing the real Renee can't do. Almost like being a surrogate mother... actually, no. That's pretty much exactly what it is.

So yeah. Dig it.

I have to address the abandonment thing head on.
Almost everyone says it, so I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
And here's what I got....

1) I need to show time passing, like the baby's several months old or something.

I think it will feel less like abandonment if I show the time passage.
Implying this is a decision she's been contemplating for a while.

2) Reinforce the "Corsican Connection" Clone Wife and Renee share.

That "bond" they share doesn't go away after the birth.
So, Clone Wife still shares feelings and experiences with Renee.
I need to find a way to interject that more into their last scene together.
And yes, Clone Wife is the unplanned surrogate mother, astute point.

Quoted from James McClung

Your writing continues to be distinctly Brett Martin which is harder to achieve than simply good or even great writing. Voice is important so be proud you've got one.

Hope this helps. Always a pleasure.

You know, someone resurrected the West Side Markets thread the other day.
And I saw that post on the thread where you said the same thing the first time.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1297471970/s-60/
But it's always great to hear, personal voice is something I strive for on the page.

Thanks for all the insights, happy to return the gesture anytime I can!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 88 - 156
Andrew
Posted: January 7th, 2012, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1670
Posts Per Day
0.38
So I finally got around to eating up the last two thirds of the script. Having completed it, the idea of changing the time this is set in feels even more suitable. As I mentioned before, this script feels ingrained in the '80s and you have created something of a modern day hyrbid of Weird Science, Multiplicity with sprinklings of many '80s films. To me at least. I don't think this flies being set in the current day. I think you'd be best to embrace that rather than ensconcing it in the current day.

One line that I really enjoyed was the father saying 'leave my girls alone' - very funny. But the transition between the outright rejection of Travis (upon discovery of Clone Wife) to the embracing of him was tenuous. It served - and completed - your arc but without giving us the reasons to believe it.

I do think you need to reconsider Guy's role as I said before. He's the genre cookie cutter that doesn't really add anything apart from a cursory 'threat' to Travis' ego and marriage. Because you introduce him (phsycially) so late into the story, you've negated the usefulness of him 'cos Renee is already out of town. Bring him in at the start and you'd get more from him. Swann and Wade seem like passengers in an overcrowded vehicle right now. I'd flat out get rid of Wade. What's his purpose? He's like the guy who turns up to a house party without beer. Swann's potentially a match for Clone Wife but you flirt with that idea before he just disappears.

That leads me to the biggest problem which is how you deploy Clone Wife. I agree with whoever said she needs a name. It's not even that it makes the read harder, it's that she doesn't really inhabit the script as an individual. She needs to. Also, she has to come in much earlier. By the time she comes in we're already on the way to completing the mystery of her 'arrival'. She doesn't really overcome any obstacles or face any problems.

The suggestions above are just point of views (probably preferences of what I'd like to see) but the one thing I found a real problem was the pregnancr and 'second chance'. It felt inorganic to the story and frankly a little weird to me. I didn't like it or think it added anything to the story.

This script, however, is proof that you've got real talent and are able to craft something with your own slant even though it lends quite heavily from such films as Weird Science, Multiplicity and the '80s in general. Nothing wrong with borrowing and then moulding it into something else with your own voice - it works wonders for QT, and he's one of my faves.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 89 - 156
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Comedy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006