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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Clone Wife Moderators: bert
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 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 : All
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  Author    Clone Wife  (currently 20279 views)
Don
Posted: September 27th, 2011, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Clone Wife by Brett Martin (electric dreamer) - Comedy, Romantic, Comedy, Fantasy - A lonely scientist gets an unexpected second chance at first love when he clones his estranged wife. 106 pages - pdf, format



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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 28th, 2012, 12:16pm
revised draft
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 27th, 2011, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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UPDATE: Here is the revised poster for this feature.

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LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

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Electric Dreamer  -  December 28th, 2012, 1:49pm
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Eoin
Posted: September 27th, 2011, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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Nice poster - read the first 10 pages on screenplay readers, look forward to reading the rest.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 28th, 2011, 8:41am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS!

Good poster. Read 14 pgs. Very good in imo. However, I think it would be better if you can skip the shopping mall scene and go directly to the tony montana place. Does this actually exist? I would visit it. lol. Anyway, back to the topic at hand, The tony montana scene expresses the same message as the shopping mall. Other people don't like Travis, don't think he's right for Renee, and that he should leave.

This reminds me a bit of a Weird Science, the movie and tv series. Not having read it all, I believe the clone woman would help Travis, or go against Travis, or go against Renee. Interesting possibilities. Can't wait to read it more. To make a prediction, I'll say you went for the 2nd option.

Hope this helps,
Gabe
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 28th, 2011, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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Like the poster, especially the tag line.

Definitely has a very, very sellable vibe to it.

Not sold on the title.
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Reef Dreamer
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Hey Brett,

SPOILERS

Read the first 15. Personally I like the title, it makes it very clear what this is about and pretty much sets the tone. Ok with a name like that it could be a horror but the likelihood is that you know otherwise. Has a commercial feel to it, as does all your work, which i like.

You must accept I am newish to this but have my comments for what they are worth.

# I found the first page a bit heavy. Eg ...delicate articulate metal forearms.... I gathered what the aims were but i had to read it deeply to get it to flow. Does that make sense?
# bichon frise - sorry I didn't know this was a dog and for the next few pages I thought it was a cat, then a dog then back to a cat!! I know now.
# P5 cocaine pile - sorry I have an image that I think it wrong. What is this?
# when travis leaves I found this a little abrupt. Yes they don't talk, yes he doesn't like being there... I don't know something seemed missing, as if more would be said or done.
# I like the name, wonders. House of wonders!
P13 lugWade - what is this?

I think I am going to like this and will read more. Hope the above is ok with you.

Cheers RD





My scripts  HERE

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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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leitskev
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EDIT

Brett, I assume you read my original post in this space. No need for me to leave it. I will update here later after I read some more.

Kevin

Update

I've reread the from scratch. The good news is that it's not really as bad as my sense was last night. The problem is that we're flooded with images, words, and information that slows the read. When you read it a second time, you understand better. And this explains why some of these issues were difficult to fix by the writer, who already has the info in his mind.

With the reread, things were moving pretty smoothly. I understood some subtle things I missed yesterday. But some more issues cropped up.

Around page 17 begins the effort to clone the dog/cat. It takes 8 pages! And not much of interest happens in those 8 pages. Actually, nothing. In film, this would not be 8 minutes, but it would still be way too long. That's where I stopped for now.

I have identified some problems though, that I think will help on rewrite.

First: we know from the logline that he is going to clone his wife. So there is no mystery to pull us through the slow parts of the script. There is no question we need to see answered. We know there will be a clone. And we actually can assume certain things from the tone. For example, we know the wife will come home, and Travis will have to deal with this somehow. There will be some ripe comedy with that. And we expect there will be a happy ending, and Travis will get with his wife. I could be wrong, but it doesn't even change my point, because the issue is that we are sure this is how it will work out...even if it doesn't. See what I'm saying?

You have to engage people's curiosity. We're not even curious about clones. Clones are old hat now. So we need something that will intrigue us. I don't know what. Maybe that's where story B comes in. If there is one, it could help to bring it in earlier. Anything to engage our curiosity.

Second: you will possibly reply to my point above by saying we are intrigued by wondering what will happen when Renee comes home. Problem is we really have not gotten to know either Renee or Travis much, or them as a couple. We don't have an attachment. We don't care if she stays in Japan and Travis lives happily ever after with the clone. And if he gets sick of that one, make another. We're not invested in their relationship, and we need to be.

I think that can be fixed with some work. And you have the space, God knows that. Because there's a whole lotta description that is not needed. There's even stuff happening that really is not needed, such as the expository dialogue with dog/cat.

I also think I understand some of what has caused the problem here with the writing. When, as new writers, we start writing, we tend to overwrite, use asides, too much dialogue. We learn how to strip that down to the bare bones, become ultra efficient. Then, we start trying to build some writing back, develop a style. I think this is part of that process, and it's only your third feature, so everyone should be patient.

Ok, I have work to do. Getting behind schedule. I will be back to this and post here as an edit.


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leitskev  -  September 28th, 2011, 9:25pm
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Hey Brett,

P13 lugWade - what is this?

Cheers RD



Quoted from leitskev
Hey Brett

Same with the lugwade. Never heard of it, but can figure out from the context what it is. But hopefully there aren't too many times I have to figure out.

regards
Kevin


Hey Guys!

First off, thanks for the lightning fast looks at the script, super appreciated!

I'll get into the critiques themselves later.
But, there's one thing I should address right now.
I made a GINORMOUS TYPO mistake in this draft due to a character name change.
WADE used to be a GAGE.
I forget to spell check after I did the CTRL + F name swap deal.
So, "luggage" on p. 13 became "lugWade" and I missed it.
There are two others I found later on, "engage" became "enWade".

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.




LATEST NEWS

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A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Dreamscale
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Hey Brett, I see you have a new script up and already have coverage and a poster.  You move fast my friend.

I started reading this morning and got up to Page 15 (seems like Page 15 is a popular place to stop and hang out!).  My Page by Page notes are attached, and meant to help, point out mistakes, and give you my personal opinions of what works and doesn’t work for me.  Please keep in mind, that many of my comments involve pet peeves of mine that others have no problem with.  I am also not a Rom Com kind of guy, although I have sat through many hundreds.  Although I don’t personally like the genre, there are countless Rom Coms I do enjoy for what they are, and I think I know what makes one work and what makes one fail.

So, basically take my comments for what you see they are worth…nothing more and nothing less.  EDIT – Looking back over this, I’m actually a little worried about even posting, as there a lot of negatives brought up.  But, I know you want this to be all it can, and hopefully a few of my points will make sense.  If not, just chalk it up to coming from a non Rom Com kind of guy!

Let’s dive in…

Page 1 – Opening Slug – By using “MAN CAVE LAB”, you’re obviously going for humor on the written page, which won’t show up in a filmed version…and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.  But, IMO, by using the term “MAN CAVE”, you’re implying something about whoever’s man cave this is, and having read to Page 15, I can easily say that Travis is not the type of guy where man cave applies.  Obviously no big deal, but for me, it’s a misfire right out of the gate.

Opening passage – Again, for me, this opening passage is a misfire, as it’s very long winded, and causes me to more than pause to take in what you want me to.  “Tinker Thinker”, “Rodin”, and “tinker toys” all make this a difficult opening for me, and the fact that it’s a 3 line, single sentence, doesn’t help.

I am not a fan of spiders and it’s common knowledge that many aren’t.  You write about this critter in an almost cartoonish, animated way, which I see as a problem, and something just not needed for a light hearted Rom Com.

You intro Travis as being in his “40s”.  I understand everyone has their own opinion about character introductions, and I’ve had several “discussions” with board members, even recently about this, but I want to let you know my thoughts on it, as I feel it’s important.  I totally understand that on film, it’s impossible to know how old a character is.  To add to the difficulty, most movies cast actors that are not the same age as the character is supposed to be in the script (one of my biggest pet peeves, especially when teenage characters are played by actors in their late 20’s, which just makes no sense to me).  But here’s the deal…40’s by definition means age 40-49, which is a pretty wide gap.  Does it matter which age he is?  Probably not, depending on backstory and exact details provided in the script (I don’t know at this point). But you as the writer are the creator of these characters.  You create every detail about them, including their backstories and life outside the actual script.  Therefore, you are the only one who knows how old each character is.  Because you know this and based your script around it (hopefully), you should come right out and give an exact age for every main character (or at least a smaller range, like “early 40’s”, “mid 40’s”, or “late 40’s”). If a character is only in a scene or 2 and it doesn’t matter at all what his age really is, then fine, use a wide range, as it doesn’t impact the story in any way.  But for all your main characters, IMO, it is important to give them an age and make sure you stick to that throughout in how they act, and what they say.

I agree with Kevin regarding the heavy V.O. that is so prevalent on this opening page.  For me, it doesn’t work at all, and makes for a slow read right out of the gate.  IMO, even if he was actually talking to himself, it would be better than using a V.O.

The stuff about the picture needs some attention, IMO.  You’ve given intense detail here that I bet isn’t remotely necessary.  But, if you indeed want to “show” this detail, you should focus in on the picture with a Mini Slug or “insert”.  As it is, it just reads so clunky, long winded, and overwritten.  Also, you’re missing “head” between “her” and “out”.

Page 2 – Again, the spider stuff on the top of the page doesn’t fit into the tone of this script in any way.  You will turn off many as well as freak them out as well, if this is filmed even remotely closely to what you’re intending with your prose.

“The sounds of an unseen door closing upstairs. Claws click across a hard floor to greet the arrival.

Travis watches a desktop Pong clock play with itself. 7:17.” – Both of these passages are problematic for me.  The first really doesn’t say anything and what it does say is unimportant, IMO.  The 2nd one is just weird…detail that’s unnecessary.  Why do we care what time it is?  It doesn’t even come into play at all.  Why a “Pong clock”?  What is a Pong clock?  The “play with itself” line is humorous on paper, but again, it doesn’t translate to film.

OK, the first 4 passages after the “LATER” Mini Slug all have issues, IMO.  All are extremely overwritten, with too much completely unnecessary detail.  They’re also oddly phrased, making them all difficult to take in.  I don’t want to quote each line and give details, but if you’re wondering, just ask, and I’ll do it.

Also, keep in mind that the time element in your opening Slug is “NIGHT”.  You have a Mini of “LATER”, but it’s still night, in theory (or at least should be, based on your Slugs).  The use of “twilight” and “dusk” are very confusing, as both refer to a time between day and night, which makes no sense since we’re already in a “NIGHT” time element.  Needs to be addressed and changed.

I see where people are getting confused about Algernon, the “Bichon Frise”.  If nothing else, you should give him a color, so we can visualize him a bit better.

Page 3 – Travis’ dialogue line at the top of the page is interesting to me, because I think it’s a gauge on how people will feel about this.  If they find this line funny, they’ll probably enjoy the script.  If they don’t, they probably won’t.  Sorry to say, but I’m in the latter camp so far…I don’t find it funny, and I’m having trouble getting through this up to this point.

Hmmm, the last scene was “DAY”, and now it’s “DUSK”.

“Wade REID” – “Wade” also needs to be all CAPPED.  Wade’s description is, again, difficult for me.  I understand why you’re using the words you are, but for me, it’s annoying and a turn off.

“Wade gravitates closer to the property line, he holds the hose waist high while he gawks at Renee’s ass.” – Wooo, WTF?  First of all, this is a run-on sentence, that reads very awkwardly.  Kind of out of place wording “Renee’s ass”, but the bigger issue is that Renee has not been intro’d as being in this scene.

“The water stream goes soft, Wade looks at the flaccid hose.” – same thing here…rather humorous on paper, with the word “flaccid” and the obvious connotation, but I highly doubt it would transfer to film this way.

And again, all of a sudden, Travis is also in the scene, without being properly intro’d.  You understand what I’m saying?  To make matters worse, it seems to me that this entire scene is taking place in Wade’s front yard, not the Wonders’.  I mean, Travis is turning off Wade’s water at the spigot, right?  That would be attached to Wade’s house.  This entire scene needs immediate attention.

The next scene doesn’t work for me either, sorry to say.  It’s not funny to me, and reads very clunky.

Page 4 – Opening Slug – You’ve got this as an EXT scene, but the dog is sitting inside the house, looking out the bay window, correct?  I understand what you’re going for, but is this correct as written?  I don’t think so.

Next Slug – “EXT. HIGH SCHOOL” – to me isn’t accurate again, but no big deal.  I also personally don’t like the V.O. dialogue, or the cliché assumption that these 2 have lived in the exact same town where they grew up their entire life, but I’m sure it may be just me.

The following dialogue exchange seems to come out of nowhere, as Travis’ outfit hasn’t been discussed or even referenced for a few pages.  I also don’t know if this joke will be clear or understood by anyone.  And, why wouldn’t Travis even know where they’re going?  The scene doesn’t work for me again, sorry to say.

Damn…Brett, I’m sorry, but I’m just having issues with an awful lot here.  This next scene also doesn’t compute for me as written.  The sentence starting with “Travis crosses…” is another run-on and awkwardly worded.  We’re outside in a parking lot and you then insert some kind of Mini Slug of a book shop, and call it “OLD BIDDIE’S”?  Are we actually going inside this shop, or what?  Based on the writing, we’re not, as later, we’re back with Renee and Travis, so I’m just totally confused with what I’m supposed to be picturing.  Then, you intro an actual book on display and even CAP Guy’s name, as if he’s being intro’d here.  I cannot for the life of me picture this scene as written at all.

GENERAL NOTE – You know clichéd asides are a pet peeve of mine and they’re starting to run rampant.  I despise these, but obviously many don’t and even like them.

Page 5, 6, 7 - OK, we’re inside the restaurant, and again, it’s going to be a love/hate relationship with the humor on display.  It ain’t working for me, sorry to say.  I can’t seem to make this dialogue work or even make sense, but again, maybe it’s just me.

Page 8 - I don’t quite understand the dishes on display here, and for me, it’s not funny again.  I guess you’re trying to tie in Renee’s upcoming move to Japan with Stig’s Italian restaurant food, but again, is anyone going to get this…or appreciate it? It’s a lot of detail being given for something with limited potential, IMO.

Page 9 – So it’s revealed that Renee has accepted a promotion in Japan and hasn’t even told her husband.  It’s a classic movie cliché that has never worked for me, and here it comes across as the same – I don’t buy it and don’t appreciate it.  Travis and Renee’s relationship hasn’t seemed at all bad up to this point…not even in a comedic way bad.  This comes across very oddly to me.

Back to the man cave – again, Brett, the writing on display to me, is overdone with unnecessary detail, making it read long and dull.  Even your choice of words seems odd, like you’re purposely trying to write this as more than it is – “creamy confines”, “the extraction”, “fishy treat”, “to the Bichon Fris”, “discerning precision”.  Some may appreciate this, but I for one do not at all.

Page 10, 11 – Although in an odd way, I like this little story here and feel it is definitely something that we see in this kind of movie, I also dislike it, as it’s obvious exposition, just a guy talking to a dog, and it goes on for a page and a half!

Page 11, 12 – The scenes with Travis and Renee are OK, but again, for me, too long, and nothing is really said that makes any difference or even defines their characters or where they are in their relationship.  I also loathe unnecessary intercuts.

Last scene on Page 12 – Again, way too much completely unnecessary detail.  I used to love Breakout, but do you really think most will have a clue what it is…or why it’s here?  I don’t get it.

Page 13 – “mirror pond knick-knack” – HUH?  Brett, WTF?

Why Renee just drives away is a real mystery.  Their relationship is a real mystery, and not a good mystery that I look forward to being revealed.  Just seems “odd” to me.

I’ll stop here as I’m running out of room.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Grandma Bear
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Brett, congrats on finishing another feature!!

Since I was going to give ZP another look, would you rather me read this one?


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Eoin
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Hey Brett,

As I've already stated, I like the poster. I'd have to agree Rick's comment about the title. Straight away, it reminds me of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. I'm not saying I have a better one, or there is a better one, but you may want to kick a few more titles around and see if there's a better fit.

The premise is a nice one and a very sellable one.

I'd also have to agree with Kevin about the VO. Way too much for a Rom Com, way too much for a narrator on Discovery Channel almost! You need to put the VO on a low cal diet. This sequence would be better shown on screen (keeping budget constraints in mind) with a sprinkling of VO.

The opening is very quirky in tone.

The garden hose gag is chickle worthy but run of mill territory for this kind of comedy. I thinks it needs something else that shows a little more of Travis' character.

There's way too much going on in the restaurant. I don't know if I want to eat or concentrate on the story! I think you need to pare back the description here and stick to the real core of the story at this point, the cracks in the relationship between Travis and Renee. Conflict.

I'll post some more comments later.
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leitskev
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Just to chip in a bit, and I will delete these posts further down to clear space in the thread: I am not against the VO used, just the way it was executed with all that chemistry club stuff. If that could be reduced it could work fine.

Although, Jeff's suggestion of Travis talking to himself, or to the dog, as he does later, could really, really work well for what you want to do. It fits the archetype, a science geeky guy, who works out of his house, talking to himself in his lab or study. That could work fine, and would be a small change. I would go with that, I think.

More later.
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Continued -

Page 13 – OK, so now it’s clear that several days (at least) have passed since Renee left.  I find it odd that we didn’t get any conversation between the 2 of them whatsoever.  Transitioning to Reid’s house also feels odd.

Page 14 – I also find these scenes incredibly odd.  How in the world could Travis get his pool table from hi basement into Reid’s yard?  I know this is a comedy, but this is beyond ridiculous, IMO.

Page 15 – Hmmm, again, “odd” seems to be the word of the moment for me.  You transition to the “pool table” in a CONTINUOUS time element, but I don’t understand what it is that’s supposedly happening here.  If anything, just use a Mini Slug here to donate that attention is going to the pool table.

“Algernon stands on a pillow, he circles and shivers.” – Hmmm…Algernon is standing on the pillow, yet in the same awkwardly phrased run-on sentence, he is also circling?  That doesn’t make sense.

Page 16 – OK, last time I’ll bring this up, but check this out – “Travis steps in an open pizza box on the floor, he slides right past the swinging doggy door.” – Another run-on sentence.  By using “, he”, it’s incorrect and reads oddly.  Just get rid of “he” and you’re fine.  Do this everywhere you’ve worded a sentence like this.  Not only will you save a useless word, it will read so much better as well.

“swamp of scientific minutia” – Is it just me, or are you purposely phrasing things so oddly like this, throughout the script?  This thing is reading like a novel in many places, based on the colorful phrasings and overwritten detail.  I’d seriously suggest toning all this stuff down, to the point that it’s no longer here at all.

“GENETIC CHAMBER”?  Huh?  Have we seen this yet?  Do we know it exists?  Did I miss something?

Page 17 – OK, as I said before, I’m having serious trouble figuring out who Travis is and what he’s like.  As far as I can tell, whether or not Algernon is his “perfect” dog, he’s all he’s got at this point and this cartoonish grin/laugh/cackle makes him out to be some kind of cartoonish mad scientist now.

MONTAGE – Well, let’s just say I’m not a huge fan of montages such as these.

MOLECULZILLA – No clue what’s going on here now.  No clue what this thing is..or why it’s here.  No clue what the intent is of this thing “speaking” or what we’re supposed to be seeing with the “comic strip word bubbles”.  I’m at a loss…completely.

Page 18 – Serious time element problems going on.  If days are passing, you need to show us with some sort of Slugs, probably Mini’s.  Again, I’m just very lost here.

“A canine voyeur, Algernon, retreats through the doggy door.” – Brett, here’s a perfect example of what’s wrong here.  Why would you choose to word this sentence like you did?  It’s just “odd”.

Page 19 – Wow...your new scene in the driveway has some interesting writing going on, to say the least.

“Work boots clunk onto the pavement, jeans stuffed into them.  The name tag on the work shirt reads…“ – So, this is obviously some serious, heavy directing going on.  And don’t get me wrong, in the right place, for the right reason, I’m totally cool with a little directing here and there, but what possible purpose does this serve?  None.  It takes up a heap of space for no reason and just reads “odd” again.  I’m so confused with both the writing choices you’re making, as well as what the Hell is going on and how this would transfer positively to film…I don’t think it will…at all, sorry to say.

Humor is obviously extremely subjective, and I’ve been accused before of not having the same sense of humor that most seem to, but this entire scene with the delivery guy is not even remotely humorous.  Sorry to keep saying this, but it’s just odd to me.

Page 20 – “A glistening Mexican treat drops into the dog bowl. Algernon eats, abandoning his discreet feline tendencies.” – Oh boy, here we go again.  WTF?  “glistening Mexican treat”?  “abandoning his discreet feline tendencies”?  Brett, I’m almost at a loss for words here.  It will be interesting to see what others have to say.  Maybe it’s just me, but I’m seriously getting to the point of giving up here.

So, we’re in a new scene again, back in the man cave, and Travis is eating a burrito, the Moleculzilla thing is speaking through pop up bubbles, and some books are shown and tossed into the trash.  Then, we get this – “Elaborate digital molecule patterns fill the screen…” – So…what screen is this?  I must be missing something completely, cause then, after another 2 days have apparently passed, based on the dialogue bubble things, we get a Mini Slug of “COMPUTER SCREEN”.  ARGH!!

OK, that’s it.  I’m sorry, Brett, but I can’t go on.  I have no idea what’s supposed to be happening, and for the last 9 pages or so, we’ve basically been in the man cave with Travis by himself with this Moleculzilla thing doing God knows what.

This isn’t working for me in any way.  The humor is not remotely funny.  There’s nothing happening that I can remotely relate to, and I’m just completely lost.

I’m sorry, and I apologize if this comes off as harsh.  I really do want to help, but I don’t see how I’m going to be able to without losing what little sanity I have left.

I do wish you the best with this and all your other projects.  Take care.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 28th, 2011, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Brett,

I like the poster. It gives me the feeling of what you want from this script and so I have to say that I honestly think you need to work on the "less is more" aspect.

I found the opening terribly hard to read and I'll give examples.

All of this:

The Tinker Thinker, a scaled replica of Rodin’s famous sculpture made with Tinkertoys, presides over a sea of scientific data spread across a billiards table.

TRAVIS WONDERS (40s), benign features wrapped in a bathrobe, rests his chin on his fist as he watches a spider spin a web.

TRAVIS (V.O.)
Most molecules form a single bond.
The spider anchors the web between a quartet of delicate articulated metal forearms inside a chest high chamber.

TRAVIS (V.O.)
Some can form more than one type of
relationship with each other. And a new stability grows from the union.

The chamber connects to a piecemeal supercomputer littered with drawings of molecule clusters on post-it notes.

A graduation certificate from Yale for Biomedical Sciences and Genetics hangs on the wall. Travis Wonders, Ph.D.

TRAVIS (V.O.)
Molecular resonance occurs when two
or more molecules form a bond that can be linked in multiple ways.

A wall photo. A teenaged Travis wears corduroy pants, flannel button front shirt and a wool cap with ear flaps. He stands next to a red AMC Matador, a hulk of a 70’s sedan.

TRAVIS (V.O.)
Both relationship structures are
valid. But, the scientific truth is a blend of the two bonds.

A grinning blonde teen pokes her out of the Matador’s driver side. She waves a gloved hand at the camera. Wool knit pom poms dangle from the winter glove.

TRAVIS (V.O.)
Resonance describes the bond. It
does not physically manifest. If I could get molecules to do that, then I could save my marriage.

**For me, after I "studied" the first page and felt like I needed a magnifying glass, I boiled it down to:

A scientific dude is in his Macho-Nerd study. (Is it an actual cave?) I imagined it was, but I'm not so sure now. Now I'm thinking I was stupid. Billiard table? I just didn't get it.

If you physically try and read all that out loud, you'll see what I mean.

But again, this scientific dude is in his Macho-Nerd-Study and he wants to save his marriage. He wants to save his marriage. That's what the story's about. Ok, I get that, but it's bogged down and trapped inside of Tinkertoys, and spiders and I don't know what else.

And I would personally like to see the two main characters in real life and not just photographs with some dude who I have no sympathy for yet as a character, giving me a long spiel that I can't understand.

As I carried on, it didn't get any better:

I couldn't establish really where I was in this world.

Writing that was thick like this:

OLD BIDDIES BOOK SHOP - FRONT WINDOW

MINERVA, ELOISE and ROSE (all 80s) glare at Travis, like the witches of
Macbeth hovering over their cauldron.

The trio of octogenarians in matching work smocks stand around a book display illuminated by green floor lights.

The book. Guy’s Guide to Extraterrestrial Nutrition Bliss. “Hometown pride takes self help literature by storm!”

GUY (40s), Old Spice swagger in a turtleneck and corduroy blazer, mugs professoriate on the book cover.

***didn't help me. I have no idea what an Old Spice swagger is. I don't know why emphasis on him right now at all at this stage in the game.

I feel like this is all over the place.

What is the importance of the above mentioned book? Especially since I have no familiarity with the world or the characters and it's overloading my brain.

Even a word like octogenarian is killing the read for me. It's not the word itself, but on top of everything else.

Guys introduction doesn't work for me at all. I think that you have some kind of excellent image in your head, but I just don't know what it means.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Eoin
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 5:33am Report to Moderator
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Read pages 10 - 25. Without repeating what as already been pointed out, I have to concur that you have gone from flirting with vivid descriptions right into serious heavy petting with novelistic prose. The action descriptions are creative, but redundant for a script. Think Bruce Lee, lean and mean. I think you need to go back to your outline and beat sheet and see what the you want out of this story. You have a great concept, you just need to find the right way of executing it.
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leitskev
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Update Thurs:

Brett, if you send me the script, I can put notes directly to the PDF. There's just way too much for me to post here.

I picked up today where I left off on p. 24. I was absolutely determined to get to p 50. I only got to page 34, and it took a really long time...and I wasn't taking notes. There are two things that slow the read. First, there are things that I find confusing to figure out and have to reread, sometimes a few times. Second, there are dull patches that combined with the first problem really make it difficult to focus.

As determined as I was, I had to stop at "work at home chicken sexers". I had no idea what a chicken sexer is and had to google it. And it is an interesting job, as it turns out. Are chicken sexers common knowledge? do most people know about them? Maybe I'm not informed enough. But I don't think I've ever had such a difficult time getting through a script. I guess the problem is on my end.

I'm not sure what's going on. Red Sun and Lie Detector are breezy reads, very effective writing. ZP was a little tougher, but mostly do to the ensemble nature and the detailed action. I think you are experimenting with developing a unique style, so we have to be patient. You're a good guy and a great member here, so I'm willing to work through this. You haven't engaged us, though, and I'm not sure how to take that. I am finding getting through this to be work, and if my remarks are not going to help, I can live with that, and I'll return to my own work. If you think my notes can be of value, please send me the PDF so I can put notes directly on it, because this will be time consuming. I consider you a friend, and it's definitely worth making the time available if you think it will help.

Thanks, sincerely
Kev
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Guys.

Sorry I haven't posted here sooner.
It's been quite a 24 hours.

I had some funky neurological episode yesterday.
I couldn't remember who or where I was for the scariest ten seconds of my life.
Then followed it up with phantom searing pains and hallucinations.
I'm still having trouble recalling things from recent weeks.
I can barely remember attending the Screenwriting Expo at all.

As to the script, I thought I had put it through some serious paces.
Three full rounds of coverage and five drafts, go figure.
Would've been considerate of them to mention this while giving the script Considers.
Oh well, at least I know what part to tackle first.

Part of it is me experimenting with my voice with a quirky subject matter.
If it wasn't tricky material, I would not have been attracted to it in the first place.
That being said, my voice on the page got away from me and I need to corral it.
No excuses, just execute strategies which lead to solutions.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I;ve got a month to hammer this into shape.

Thanks all for the quick looks and super fast notes.
I know you guys jumped on it because you're looking after "one of your own".
It;s greatly appreciated. Those words seem paltry. But it's all I have right now.
Kev, if you can't utilize this PDF to attach notes, let me know.
Pia, give ZP a read, this one isn't ready for your analytical skills yet. Thanks.

Hopefully, things will realign themselves after a couple days of quiet.
Because, right now, I look at things I know I wrote, but can't recall writing the pages.

Warmest Regards to All,
Brett




LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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leitskev
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Your health is first priority. Take care of yourself. You may have overloaded. A few days off should help a lot, Brett.

EDIT: I don't wish to start a whole coverage debate again, but there are things to consider when using that particular agency. There is some value in their reader's review. But you get what you pay for; and Brian is obviously very aware of and sensitive to his press on simplyscripts, as we know from Wonka's thread.

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
leitskev  -  September 29th, 2011, 4:51pm
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B.C.
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hey E.D.

As Kev has already pointed out, you put so much into this forum, giving great advice to all and sundry, and coming across as a gentleman to boot.  You deserve all the reads in the world, and that probably wouldnt cover your input to the boards.

I am going to read the script in full and give you my thoughts.

However, I've read a few pages and can't help but agree with the other posts upto now.

I had to read the first page 4 or 5 times to deconstruct your use of language and long sentences. It's a really difficult start and quite daunting.

There's a chunk of dialogue in-between an insert describing whats in a photo. This is the best example I can give of the initial problems of the opening.  

I find it concerning that this went through three rounds of coverage and wasn't addressed. I'll pop back when I've read the script in full.

Hope you are feeling better.

Mr. Case
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jwent6688
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on completing another feature Brett. Hope ur feeling better. Excuse my curt writing. Thisis from my phone.  I'll take a gander at this this weekend.  If I get stumped along the way and stop, I'll let u know why.  In the meantime you should revamp your poster for fun and put all Jeff quotes on it. Lol.  James


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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James, you A-Hole!  

My nutsack is still aching from your last kick in the balls.  At least give me a couple weeks for the swelling to go down, huh?

On a serious note, Brett, as I said in a PM to you, I hope everything is OK with you and you're recovering from what sounds like a very scary experience.

I bet you and James could even discuss it, cause I'm pretty sure he has the same problem with loss of memory and hallucinations, but for him, I think it's more of a weekly weekend thing...right James?  

We all send our prayers your way, Brett!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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B.C.
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Back again. Read a few more pages.

I think I'm missing something. Either that, or I'm going crazy...

Page 5: Montana Tony's illuminates the lot in a burst of neon Italian patriotism that would make Mussolini blush
Inside this restaurant we have a Velvet Tony Monata and his velvet cocaine pile

This is a Scarface reference, right? The De Palma version?

Wasn't he Cuban? Al Pacino's character? Why the Italian theme?

My movie geek radar is picking up all sorts of disturbances...
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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Tony Montana from Scarface is definitely Cuban.  I didn't get this either, but decided not to bring it up.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 12:17am Report to Moderator
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Brett,

I don't know what happened to you, but are you eating healthy? Like real food, not junky stuff and fast food?

I can see the hard work you put into the script. You probably worked too hard, if that makes sense.

I too, love the concept. I don't think it needs to be made more difficult than it actually is. Think: easy does it and I think it will go much easier. And don't worry about pleasing anyone. I think that if you're pleasing yourself, you will, by default please others because it shows through in the work.

Try that if you're having trouble and see how it works.

Sandra



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jwent6688
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Wade gravitates closer to the property line, he holds the
hose waist high while he gawks at Renee’s ass. - I think this scene needs to be setup better. Tell us that Renee and Travis are outside before you intro Wade. I didn't even know they were out there before this line. What are THEY doing?

TRAVIS
Three weeks.

TRAVIS
Honey, do some victory doughnuts. - This should be one dialogue box. Makes it confusing.

I think Renee should've told travis she was leaving the next day when she pushed the wedding picture back through the door. I did like that scene though. Felt real...

I think we need more of a reason for Travis to hate algernon. Expecially a bichon which are supposed to be some of the most docile breed. At least thats what Phil told me when I read Mafia Dogs. I'll take his word for it.

Okay, I made it to page 25 today. Thats where I'm stopping for now. I do think the experiment went on a little long. Took up a good deal of your opening. There's a lot of writing I don't like, but you've heard enough of that.

I would rather see Travis on the verge of a breakthrough before Renee leaves. He begs her to stay. Also, He never talks to her on the phone after she leaves. I felt that odd. You fly through 30 days of experiment. Might want to interject a conversation in there. Maybe she's having a blast in Japan and that motivates him even more?

All in all, so far I thought it was a bit slow, but I'll definitely hit up the next 25 pages soon. Want to see where this goes...

James






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jwent6688
Posted: October 1st, 2011, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Brett, hope all is well since we haven't heard from you in a bit. I got to page 43 and I'm gonna stop there. What i was hoping for here was a great motivating factor pushing Travis to clone his "not dead" wife. If she had died, I would believe it. Then this wouldn't be comedy would it?

The whole blackout and dream sequence thing really threw me for a loop. He just wakes up and she's there. Did like the welfare check during the dream and Guy being there.

Little things put me off like when CLONE WIFE becomes ICE CREAM WIFE on her dialogue boxes. Thats the writer having a bit too much fun IMO. If you're an established pro, go for it. I've seen stuff like that in pro scripts. It annoys the shit out of me. It's like the writers saying "Look how much fun I'm having writing my screenplay and making a fine living at it. Too bad you losers still gotta stick to the rules... Ta ta."

Your first act di drive me to read on, but when you skipped over the reason he cloned his wife at the turn of act two, thats where you lost me. I really think that needs to be explained right then and there. If you get a chance, PM me on what the reasoning is or what really happened.

I was hoping that after Travis' succesful cloning of Algernon, he was gonna take his research to people with money to fund his projects. I thought he would be more excited about his discovery. Then come up with some cockamaimmy reason he needs his wife. Maybe he has to convince a highly religious, family oriented Senator to approve his project at a dinner party. A party he'd better not attend without his wife. Then all hell could break loose as clone wife screws up everything.

Sorry, now I'm completely changing your story, just how my mind works. I wish you best with it. If you give it a major overhaul you can always hit me up for another look.

James



Revision History (1 edits)
jwent6688  -  October 1st, 2011, 3:45pm
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B.C.
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Hey E.D. Hope to see you check in here soon.

Read upto page 40. Here’s some notes I made. I’ll try not to repeat what other members have brought up, unless necessary.

P1 – Opening Slug. Man Cave Lab. I don’t know what this is or what I am supposed to be visualizing. This might be my ignorace, but it’s just not clear to me.

P.2 I don’t know what a 'pong clock' is to be honest. Your writing style gives me a hint to what the tone of the piece is, but the visual elemants are not complimenting it. In fact they are confusing me.

P4 – “mugs professoriate”. I think I know what you are going for with such phrasing, but the fact I have to think about it slows down the read.

P.5 – I’ve mentioned Montana Tony’s already. It could be a cute nod, but if your going to go there the details really need to be spot on. It’s not that big a deal, but references to other movies often take me out of the story at hand and make me think about the movie being referenced. I watch a lot of low budget horror flics, and I see constant references to other movies. Most of the time, the movies being referenced are superior. It only serves to make want to put that movie on my DVD player rather than the one I am currently watching. I’m in the minority with this opinion, though.

P9. The food descriptions, then they “marvel at the culinary mutants”. This just didn’t work for me at all. Stuff like this is taking up a lot of space and I’m not getting the humour.

At this point, if I hadnt read the logline and seen the poster I would be struggling to grasp what kind of movie this actually is. After being blinded by the science in the opening scene, I’m now being tested by all the fancy food.

P11 --  “[ ] please check this box if you want to save our marriage”. This is brilliant. The best line in the script so far. A simple visual trick that tugs the heartstrings. More of this, please!

P.17 – there’s a montage. I remember when you did a really long series of shots in Zombie Playground. I didn’t like that there and I don’t like this montage, either. It’s a personal issue but considering the detail in the script thus far I’m not sure why you would employ this technique now.

General note: Please forgive me if I missed something. But the dog acting like a cat isnt really working for me. I just don’t get the humour.  

P26 – 30. Stig pops round for dinner. This lasted four pages and not sure how it moves us forward.

The clone wife dream sequence does have some interesting visual elemant. But then the real clone wife is introduced really abruptly. For me, this should be your “Bride of Frankenstein” reveal moment. With all the bells and whistles that comes with such a reveal. It should be dramatic. Like when Kelly Le Broc reveals herself in ‘Weird Science”.

Or when we first see “Frankenhooker”.

And on that note, I will shut up…
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rc1107
Posted: October 1st, 2011, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett.

Took a read through the first 54 pages for now.  Gotta go make dinner and I'll finish reading it tonight.  I'll just give you a quick overview of my thoughts so far.

Wow, was the beginning tough to get through.  Extremely tough.  Tons and tons of needless description that, if this were written as a novel, might work.  Might work.  But since this is a script, a lot of it is unnecessary, making it almost a chore to read and visualize at the same time.  I'm trying to concentrate on what the scene looks like and what's going on and you're talking about Mussolini being proud.  Totally took my concentration away.  A lot of times that happened.  And the octogenarians?  I thought they were part of some Halloween display stirring a pot of boiling potion or something.

Most of the humor in the story is in your descriptions, which means the humor isn't going to translate very well to film.  Remember, in a comedy, your characters have to be funny.  Not you.  Look for the comedy in your characters, not on the written page.

There is a good story working here, and the pace is picking up for me now, but I don't think it's necessarily been pulled off so far.  It has the feel of that movie with Ben Stiller and Jack Black in it.  'Greed'.  Or 'Envy', maybe.  I forget the name of it.

It has some good moments in it so far, but a lot of it is just exposition and I'm waiting to get to the heart of the great storyline you have.

I'll talk to you after dinner...

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: October 1st, 2011, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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All right.  Just finished it.

You did cut down on the extremely heavy descriptions towards the end.  Somewhat.  There were still some extreme examples I can site here and there that seem to be a little ridiculous.

For instance, talking about the Star Trek away team on a hostile planet that you referenced while they were walking into a restaurant.  That got me thinking about Star Trek instead of concentrating more on your story and the dinner going on.

There's just a little too much weird stuff going on and it's detracting from the main storyline I think you should stick with.  It kind of seems like you wrote this in hopes Tim Burton might want to take a crack at filming this one.  And I don't think that style is working for this type of story.

Guy is never used to his potential as an antagonist and he seems like a waste of space.  And he's annoying.  He never even propelled the story forward.  He just sat there and ogled Clone Wife, then returned later in the story for some reason just to make some joke about cloning Renee also.  He never ante'd up the stakes for Travis.  In fact, he and Wade seemed like the same character.

And the pregnancy was really confusing.  Clone wife's been around for a couple days, then all of a sudden, Renee comes back and Clone Wife all of a sudden has a big belly.  Did I miss a huge time jump somewhere or a '9 months later' SUPER?  I hope I wasn't focusing too much on Star Trek still or thinking about the witches in Macbeth you were talking about earlier and I missed it.

At the core, there's a good story here, but it seems like you might have hid it in a bunch of weird special effects and strange going's on.  We never really get to delve into Travis, Renee, or Clone Wife as characters, really.

Your story really doesn't get going until he actually clones Renee.  That's when my interest kicked in.  Everything else before that, when you were supposed to be setting up Travis and Renee's relationship, it just seemed you were setting up for weird things to happen.

You still had great moments between the characters, and you do have the makings of a story that could make an impact, but I think you have to delve into and focus on the story more, and not just the peculiar inventions in the story, or a clever way to describe your scenes that kind of only lost and confused me, or took me totally off track.  I found myself having to go back and reread things over and over to just get the jist of it.

Like I said, there are brilliant flashes of something that could be a great story here, but it's a little too cooky as it is now, and my mind's focusing on the cooky things instead of the story.

Hope this helps.

- Mark


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 3rd, 2011, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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***STATUS UPDATE ON ME***

Thanks for all the notes with well wishes, they're appreciated.
I should return to work by the end of the week.
It is mostly stress related. 80 hour work weeks since April.
It was causing arterial inflammation in my brain.
Which can cause temp memory loss and crippling migraines.
Most people tend work less when self employed at home.
I never know when to quit.

Have a good week guys!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 6th, 2011, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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***NEW STATUS UPDATE ON ME***

Forgive me for using this thread for a personal update.
I don't think my health status merits starting a new thread.

Long story short, I'm on the mend.
I went through severe arterial inflammation of the brain.
My memory has pretty much been restored.
Apparently, I was suffering from this growing condition while writing this script.
The inflammation has been building for several weeks.
It causes lapses in judgement, short temper, poor performance, etc.
Even thinking about it now, it gives me pause with some minor pains.

The plan was to rest through the long holiday weekend and go from there.

HOWEVER...

***SCRIPT STATUS UPDATE***

I got a big hit from the Sherwood Oaks Producer/Summit I went to two weeks ago.
And I mean he's a BIG HIT. This producer is pretty epic.
He's produced films for some of my favorite directors at the peak of their powers.
Altman. Peckinpah. Carpenter. Badham.

His Head of Development sent me a note yesterday.
This producer wants to read Clone Wife, himself. O_O

It would be bad form to make him wait two weeks, so I'm gonna cram this weekend.
Rework the entire action description parts from stem to stern.
Hopefully with a less swollen brain, I can root out a lot of issues on the page.

This is by far the biggest name that's shown interest in my work.
This is why I live in L.A., my friends.
All I did was pay $99 for an event to hear him and other fine producers chat.
Attendees get to give their "leave behind" to these big names, but don't pitch them.
$99 well spent.

I'll go through everyone;s notes as best I can over the weekend.
But I can't make him wait and I can't send this out, as is.
So, I'm going to fudge my "return to work date" and get cracking!
Thanks for all the great input guys, I'll try not to let you down!

Regards to All,
E.D.

P.S.
Did I miss any contributing member script uploads this week?
I've got Mark's new feature and Janet's new short in my non-work queue.
Did Ryan post a new draft of Will to Live yet? *pokes Ryan*





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A list of my scripts can be found here.
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wonkavite
Posted: October 6th, 2011, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett -

Already read the script, but was planning to wait until you were feeling better, before overloading you again.  If there's a deadline, though...  My notes are at home, will email you my thoughts once I'm back - late, late tonight...!

Cheers,

-J
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leitskev
Posted: October 6th, 2011, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
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Finished just now, Brett. If you access the link I gave you, you will have the notes on the script.

This was a very tough read for me for a lot of reasons, starting with the fact that I am really not a rom com guy. It also occurred to me this week, reading another rom com, that one of the problems with rom coms is that we know the ending. Always. I mean, the happy couple always gets together at the end, don't they? So at least with your rom com, we can't say for sure. Or at least there is some doubt, since the happy couple is kind of two happy couples.

Some questions I would have: Has Travis learned anything, I mean besides don't clone your wife? Are the problems between  Travis and Renee solved? Is it because they have a baby now? Clone wife is ok with giving up not only Travis, but her baby?

Hard for me to form an opinion on the marketability of the story. As with time travel stories, there are real logical issues to be worked out here. You zip someone 9 years into the future, it isn't going to be long before they figure it out. Her husband and family are 9 years older, the news on TV and in the paper is different, technological things have changed, as well as style things and cars. Hell, the stuff in the house like movies and CDs would be different.  Maybe this stuff doesn't matter in a comedy. Maybe.

You're experimenting with your writing style, and that's cool, I think people understand. I think you need to tone it back to the older Brett style, if nothing else for the sake of clarity. Ease into your new style gradually.

Good luck with the pitch.
Kevin
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 8th, 2011, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Finished. Don't know how much of this can help since your trying to cram all this in the weekend. Good luck with that.

Here's what I came up:

I think you need to show Travis getting the idea of cloning Renee. The eureka moment that he should have "I can...clone renee". Hope this makes sense. It wasn't clear for me. Granted you show Algernoon cloned, but I can't recall    Very cliche

Also, the backstory should be developed more. I think opening the script with the failed pregnancy might be sufficient enough to set the tone. You have to establish that early on since that's your crux.

Furthermore, Clone Renee should stay. I felt sad when she leaves. She can help babysit.

Finally, I think Travis and Guy get too chummy too quickly. Develop their friendship early on. Show Guy thinking he's friends with Travis, and Travis thinking otherwise.

Hope this makes sense. If not, ask. Good Luck. Hope you get better. Keep us updated.
Gabe
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Mr.Ripley
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I just wanted to comment on that opening with the dog. That is funny and cute at the same time. lol. Will read this as quickly as possible.


Gabe
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Brett

As promised I have had a re read on the new draft, up to page 49 ( this is from notes taken)

First off it reads much, much better. Big improvement. It flows well, the characters are easier to understand and there is a better balance to the order.

The laughs are clearer but there is still the opportunity for a bit more as you continue to fine tune. In particular you have started well with algereron but maybe there are a few extras to squeeze out in the interaction between them. As this is light hearted I think you can push the relationship.

Like Gabe the first page is a far stronger start as well as easier to read. Others will give you a more detailed read but here are a few comments;

P2 his speech on facts seems a bit in your face
Part of the  travis character which you should milk is the geek who can't communicate. The interaction with wade could be used to highlight this further. Maybe he could talk to the robot as well as his dog.
Why does the chain saw amputate the y?
P5 Tony Montana description seemed heavy
P6 etymology?
P6 Oskar description - my note is decryption is heavy, can't remember
Travis story to algereon about child. Perhaps too much on the nose, a bit more visual?
P14 algeron scratches at door, then sits on his chest. Just wondered if this needs a bit more clarity of how one leads to the other
P19 the production of clone al just seems a bit sudden. Could the previous experiments get closer to success, or some progress, possibly resulting in some mess to clean( other than goo) but giving the impression it's closer? Maybe an accident with some food?
P32 talks too much to himself?

Standing back, the beauty with this idea is that it gives you various options with humour such as the change in time ( think back to the future) the trying to hide the wife, or secrets, (farce style) and the first flush of love and the stupid things people do.

It will be interesting to see where this goes as I didn't read the whole last time.

All the best.










My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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leitskev
Posted: November 3rd, 2011, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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I was afraid to go back, I really was. But I opened up, and sweet, the first page has been reconstructed, and is dramatically improved! Flows nice and easy, images come quick to the reader and are clear. I am assuming this improvement reflects similar adjustments throughout the work, so I will take another look soon. But so far so good as far as the improved read, good job.
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James McClung
Posted: November 3rd, 2011, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, hello. Back from the first draft and just a little past Act I in the second.

Hmm... I'm not sure what you did, exactly, but indeed, as Kevin said, this was a lot easier to read than the last draft. I read 60+ pages of that sucker and at times, I felt like I was trudging through descriptions, leaving me quite lost in the story at times. Not only that but you had some strange ideas (e.g. Molecule-zilla) that ended up wreaking havoc on your format somehow (the WORD BUBBLE dialogue was peculiar, to say the least). Obviously, you cut this down, to say the least, but it really does read like a completely different script. I can tell you rewrote this from scratch.

Honestly, I'm breezing through this so far. Already, this is a massive improvement.

But I digress. Onto the story...

I suppose what we get from Travis and Renee's relationship prior to their separation is a bit sparse, even with the fact that there's obviously been some growing apart, but I think you got the basics down. Without spelling it out, I got the sense that Renee'd grown a little weary of Travis and that his work likely played a major part in that. Obviously, he's wrapped up in it, rendering him a little forgetful. It's kind of a classic setup without being too forced. For the sake of basic storytelling, so far, so good.

A quick note. I'd be careful of how far you take Travis's preoccupation with his work in future rewrites. His character's fine for now but the danger in these kinds of setups (that is to say, the scientist who's on the verge of a huge discovery who's work occasionally interferes with the rest of his life) is that the main character can easily come off as neglecting and inconsiderate when they're supposed to be quirky and imperfect in a sympathetic way. Though it doesn't hurt your character now (and I don't see any signs of it hurting him in the future), I figured I'd bring this up just so you keep it in mind whenever you come back to this script.

I tend to get a little long winded when I address this kind of stuff so I recommend you check out the Nostalgia Critic's review of Flubber to get a better sense of what I'm talking about. Basically, Robin Williams' character in that film is just a huge jerk that they try to pass off as a sweet but bumbling goof.

But again... I digress...

Renee's reveal works way better this time. The first time around, she was way too apologetic. Her leaving Travis didn't feel as crushing to the guy. This time, it's much more of a blow. Good job.

Unfortunately, Travis's breakthrough suffers this time around. You went from an overblown build up to almost completely skimming over it. I mean all the Molecule-zilla stuff came to be way too much. But I liked the build up in percentage on the computer, which is absent this time. It gave the audience something to anticipate. I'd bring that element back.

Also, when Clone Al comes out, Travis's reaction is just way too downplayed. I mean, maybe he was expecting it but the magnitude of his success doesn't seem to hit him at all. I mean, he's happy but more in the way someone would be if they struck a really nice shot in gulf. It's like "Yes! Great! ...moving along..." No good, man. The whole sequence needs more drama.

I'm leaving off where Travis is doing a lot of talking to himself. That very movie-ish completely unrealistic talking to one's self. Fortunately, I think your setup yields a solution. Just a suggestion but why not have Travis be able to communicate verbally with his computer? I don't mean have the computer be self aware or talk back. More along the lines of cell phone voice commands. Then you can have him talk to himself until he's blue in the face. Worked in Cronenberg's The Fly and that's the greatest movie ever made.

Anyway, I'm out for now. Will be back with more review later...


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Ryan1
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Okay, read the first 32 pages.  Now glancing at some of the earlier comments, it looks like you significantly streamlined the writing, which is always a good thing.

Starting on page one, I'm wondering where Travis obtained all this equipment and how exactly he got it into his basement.  Supercomputers and "genetic chambers" are items that I'm guessing would run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars if not more.  Where does Travis get the funding for this?  I suppose if he was independently wealthy, I could buy it, but it sounds like he lives in a modest house and neighborhood.

In "The Fly" they explained away Goldblum's warehouse lab by saying he was funded by a corporation.  

Why does Travis not have a job if he's this brilliant?  Maybe he's an underappreciated genius, whose theories are simply too radical for mainstream science.  But, it seems you really need to explain why this guy does nothing except play around all day in a basement lab(which doesn't seem like the best place for a genetic experiments, btw.  Kinda hard to keep a sterile environment.)  What about having another separate structure on the property, like in the backyard, converted into a lab?

Montana Tony's.  Is there any reason you don't just call it Tony Montana's?  With all the velvet Tony Montana's in the restaurant, it would seem like a better fit.

p 6.  Didn't really get the notes on the take out menus joke.

p.7  When Astrid says: "Why you traded in theprom king for your science tutor is
still a mystery to me."  That's a brutal, humiliating swipe at Travis right in his face.  and he does...nothing.  No reaction at all.  Just a line about other prom queens being available.  To me this shows a character without a backbone who allows his mother in law to trample over him.  Renee's reasoning to leave the guy seems a little more apparent after that incident, but its still hazy.

p 8. "aides" should be aids.

p 9.  Oskar's line "Flight's tomorrow morning" ssems like it should have been said by Renee.

Renee:  "I woke up."  Ouch.  But, what exactly made her wake up?  We just don't have enough insight into their relationship right now to understand this breakup.

The "check this photo" scene is a good one.  

p 10  Is the hair taped next to the photo?  Maybe a line of explanation as to why it's there.

On page 11, Travis tells us about the lost baby, but since it's pure exposition, it doesn't have much power behind it.  Maybe if they still had some baby clothes that they had picked out.  I think having a baby item such as a tiny sock or shirt laid out in the album would hold more dramatic weight.

Okay, on page 12, we read that "Travis and Algernon look out a bay window as Renee's cab drives away."  In the very next scene, Wade sees the pool table in his backyard.  First question, how would Travis be able to haul a pool table from his basement to Wade's backyard by himself?

Next question:  When Wade walks over to Travis' backyard, we see that "Travis hasn't shaved in weeks."  How does this timing work out?  Renee said she was leaving for Tokyo the very next day.  How does Travis now have weeks of growth on his beard?

Funny scene having the clone dog dry hump himself.

Stig has a way of talking like a Swedish Frankenstein at times.  Like here:
We open the doors. People come in
and sit down. They eat things I
make. Give us money, then leave.

Are the Magnusson's supposed to be from Sweden?  Because at times I got the feeling Stig's command of English "not so good."

If Travis was this lovelorn it seems like he would have jumped at the chance to talk to Renee when she calls Stig.  Maybe a final word from her here could finally convince Travis that he has no shot at all at reconciling with his wife and this convinces him to go ahead with the cloning experiment.  Because, it is incredibly unethical after all, cloning someone without their permission.  Something has to drive Travis to that point of desperation.

I understand what you were going for with the line "Hello, flour. I miss you." on 26.  
But I think this would actually be a little confusing if you were watching the movie.  A lot of people would think Travis was saying "flower."

Good visual with supercomputer integrated with pipe organ.  The nightmare did go a bit too long, IMO.

p 32

TRAVIS
This is it. This is my chance. All
the same experiences in a new body
of possibilities. I've created a
get-out-of-divorce free card. This
is my flour!

Once again, I think the word "flour" would be confusing here.  And this dialogue really sounded on the nose.  You're telling us what we already know, because the previous paragraph explained the nine year old dna twist.  I think Travis cracking a wry smile would actually work better here.

Okay, so far got some mixed feelings on this one.  On one hand, it seemed like you were trying to base the science on real actual techniques and theories, but having Clone Wife appear was just hard for me to buy.  Someone brought up the Weird Science comparison, and that's certainly what this seemed like.  Of course with a whacky comedy like that, logic ain't a big concern.

And, I wanted to know more about how Renee and Travis' relationship went sour.  They broke up so quickly in this script, it's hard to even picture them as a couple.

So, I'll be interested to see how the clone wife impacts Travis life and the rest of the plot.











Revision History (1 edits)
Ryan1  -  November 3rd, 2011, 8:11pm
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leitskev
Posted: November 3rd, 2011, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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Brett, my faith in you is restored. Got through the first act in minutes this time. Night and day difference. You really worked hard to rewrite this, and that can be tough to do for a lot of reasons, but hats off and thumbs up. So far all of the issues I recall from before have been fixed and fixed skillfully. I'm still a little unsure about the Cuban/Italian Montanna Tony's, but that's the least of issues. You even got rid of the alien cookbook! Sweet!

At least based on the first third, this reads like a breeze now. Nice job.
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conwall
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“HONEY, I CLONED THE WIFE”


Really liking it so far.

Awesome title.  This is a title bound to turn on Hollywood pros.  Two words, two syllables even!  The whole plot is evident immediately.  This is the definition of “high-concept” and it’s worth its weight in gold.  


Page 11, We should see him writing on the back of the photo, but not what he writes.  Let that mellow for awhile.  We don’t find out what it says until SHE reads it.

Page 12:  Band Aids is a proper name of a product.  Generic is bandages, or adhesive bandages.

Page 12:  Still like it a lot.  Starting to think of ways to shorten it.  Why does she want to break up with him in front of her whole family?  I mean, some of the family stuff is really funny.  “Let’s drink wine so we don’t have to talk so much.”  That’s funny.  But seriously, what would make a woman do that?  Fear?  He doesn’t seem like the threatening type.  

These kind of break up scenes are really fun to write, and sort of mine the depths of emotion present…but your call.  

Plus, again only a time saver, if we saw:

a. The picture
b. The check box question
c. The wedding ring.

We could parse every bit of this scene in two seconds.

As a rule, (I’ve heard) it’s always better to show than it is to say.

Pg 12:  Extension cord, lol.

Pg 14.  Is Algernon a cat?  Earlier you said he nudged somebody.  Cats nudge.  Dogs leap on.  Dogs don’t cough up hair balls either.  They lick their butts, of course.  But hey, who wouldn’t?

Pg 17, Drops a burrito in the dog bowl, lol.

Pg 18, When he’s alone he should just be talking to the dog instead of v.o. or typing.

Pg 19, The hollywood cliché is to have a long exterior shot showing weird lights emanating from inside the house.

Pg 21, I’m having a hard time understanding why Stig is being so nice to his soon to be former brother in law.  These people usually just forget they knew each other.

Pg 24, My interest is flagging.  If this is a movie about a guy who clones his wife you are in violation of the 20-page rule.  She should be cloned by page 20.  Instead I’m getting a visit that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  

By the way these are notes that occur to me at the time, not after I’ve finished the whole thing.  Real time.  Hells yeah!  Real time.

Pg 25.  Hello flour.  Is funny on the page but people are likely to hear Hello, flower.  Unless, they remember the earlier scene.  

Pg 28.  Completely out of character that the guy would leave the experiment while it is going on so he could go upstairs and have his little dream sequence.  If you feel like you need to keep it he should at least be sleeping at the console.

Pg 32.  Sequencing remark is too on the nose.

On the nose dialog continues down the page.  Really bad.

Pg 36.  Interest flagging a little again.  Where is the conflict?  She came out perfect?  Honestly dude, I think the guy would be trying to just bang her.  Personally, a nine-year younger version of my wife would be much the turn on.  

Stephen King cloned some kids in ‘Pet Semetery’ and they were homicidal maniacs.  In the movie, ‘multiplicity’ the clones were progressively stupider.  

Shouldn’t she stink?  Or be dumb?  Or crazy?  Or, funny if she is exactly the same and she wants to leave him too.  Something.  Got to get this story moving.  It is a critical juncture.

The ‘Clone Wife’ identifier is over used on page 38.  Can’t it just be ‘she’ sometimes?

Pg 41.  Spine tingling on top of page 41.  Wow.  What a twist.  Just the right amount of clue.  Not overdone.  Could be close there.  Nice job.

However, too much description of the ice cream place.  I’d just call it “Ice Cream Joint” and be done with it.  Do the people who work there rate more than server 1 and server 2?  Slows me down.

Pg 46.  I can think of a lot funnier stuff Stig could be saying here.  He seems almost non-plussed which sort of hurts the script.  Can’t we raise the stakes as he threatens to go to the cops, or the FBI, or whatever?  Maybe he reacts to her like she’s a ghoulish monster, but she just thinks she has bad breath or something like that.

Pg 52.  A regular mom would probably think that Travis had drugged her, or threatened her, or something like that.  She’d be extremely suspicious.

Pg 56 is a good example of idiotic self help speak.  Reminds me of ‘Up in the Air’ with George Clooney.  The movie was so so, but the script was amazing.

Pg 57.  What’s botox, lol.

What is a frosted stromboli.  Can’t you make this joke without specifically identifying the food?

Pg 57.  Everybody is drinking a lot of wine?  No.  They may ‘still’ be drinking.  Or ‘continuing’ to drink.  But lots of wine?  That means they are guzzling while the camera roll which is probably not what you mean.

Pg 57.  There is no scrod, lol.  I bet only about 1 in 20 people get that.

Is that mist?  Or steam?

Okay, I guess it’s mist.

Pg 59.  Unfortunately, you kind of step on the prawn visual joke because we already saw the prawns in the kitchen earlier.  

Pg 60.  Nitpicky, I’m sure, but most of these reunions are in hotels and stuff, not really in the school gym anymore.

Pg 60.  “Plays a slow tune.”  I’m glad you don’t try to name the song.  Waste of time and amateurish.  But, it’s okay to say, “some 80’s slow tune” or something like that.

Oh, spelled iPod right, too.  Most people will get that wrong too.

Hoss should be in caps.

Pg 65.  Doesn’t she still have a key?

The scum bag comment seems a little out of character for Clone Wife.  She seems pretty easy going so far.  Wouldn’t she just be assuming there is a reasonable explanation for all of this?

Pg 71.  I’m feeling like I’m missing out on the French Farce thing.  I’m wishing there was a sequence that shows the two of them to Mom and Dad and Stig, and Guy or something where nobody realizes there are actually two of them.  Did you already think of this and dismiss it as too cliché?

Pg 79.  Funny here if somebody was trying to explain to the old biddies the difference between clones and zombies.  Because the old ladies don’t calm down around her until they get this bit sorted out.

Pg 82.  Still find myself wishing for more of a ticking clock motif here.  Why isn’t anybody (Guy?  Wade?) calling the cops to turn up the heat on the guy.  

Pg 93.  Typo:  “It’s not fault.”

In summation.  I really liked this script a lot.  Zils better than 95% of the dreck on this site.  Strong, fun, easy to understand premise.

Thoughtfully executed.  Several very funny (lol) moments plus a bunch of light laughs too.  

Spot on formatting, with just an extremely few changes I’d make.  


Your comments welcome on:  GOD GETS FIRED.  Comedy, 89 pages.  Humans are such a failure that God loses his job.  Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction.  Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us.  It’s about winning her back.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GodGetsFired.pdf
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 4th, 2011, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Like the poster, especially the tag line.

Definitely has a very, very sellable vibe to it.

Not sold on the title.


Hey Rick,

The industry folk at Sherwood Oaks agreed with you.
And a couple said they weren't sure about the title.
But all agreed it's a title that provoked a strong reaction.
I'd say about 80% responded well to the title.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from leitskev

I also think I understand some of what has caused the problem here with the writing. When, as new writers, we start writing, we tend to overwrite, use asides, too much dialogue. We learn how to strip that down to the bare bones, become ultra efficient. Then, we start trying to build some writing back, develop a style. I think this is part of that process, and it's only your third feature, so everyone should be patient.

Ok, I have work to do. Getting behind schedule. I will be back to this and post here as an edit.



Hey Kevin.

Thanks for the Herculean effort you put forth on the old draft.
I did a poor job of managing my time while writing this particular draft.
I was getting into the swing of working in development with a producer.
And I thought that I could squeak this one out there. Boy, was I wrong.

So, I tool the bulk of October to rectify that mistake, from scratch.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Hey Brett, I see you have a new script up and already have coverage and a poster.  You move fast my friend.


Hey Jeff,

Thanks for your expansive notes.
I wasn't ready. I should've been more thorough.
Sure, I was multitasking my brains out, but it's no excuse for that draft.

Thanks for the PM about the new fresh draft.
I'm glad you felt I turned it around in the new pages you checked out.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Brett, congrats on finishing another feature!!

Since I was going to give ZP another look, would you rather me read this one?


Give the new fresh draft of Clone Wife a gander when you can. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
Hello Brett,

I like the poster. It gives me the feeling of what you want from this script and so I have to say that I honestly think you need to work on the "less is more" aspect.

I found the opening terribly hard to read and I'll give examples.

Sandra


Hey Sandra,

Thanks for opening this up.
I wasn't ready and y'all deserve better from me.
I went back to the drawing board, wrote a fresh draft from scratch.

Hope you wouldn't mind looking at it some time. Thanks.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 4th, 2011, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Eoin
Read pages 10 - 25. Without repeating what as already been pointed out, I have to concur that you have gone from flirting with vivid descriptions right into serious heavy petting with novelistic prose. The action descriptions are creative, but redundant for a script. Think Bruce Lee, lean and mean. I think you need to go back to your outline and beat sheet and see what the you want out of this story. You have a great concept, you just need to find the right way of executing it.


Hey Eoin,

Thanks for cracking open this beast.
I'm very excited by the concept, hope I can do better.
This wasn't ready for a variety of reasons, all my fault. Except the medical stuff.
I took most of October to rework the script from scratch.
So, I went back to my note cards and cork board, started over.

Hope you wouldn't mind taking a gander at the new pages. Thanks.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from B.C.
Hey E.D.

As Kev has already pointed out, you put so much into this forum, giving great advice to all and sundry, and coming across as a gentleman to boot.  You deserve all the reads in the world, and that probably wouldnt cover your input to the boards.

However, I've read a few pages and can't help but agree with the other posts upto now.

I had to read the first page 4 or 5 times to deconstruct your use of language and long sentences. It's a really difficult start and quite daunting.

Hope you are feeling better.

Mr. Case


Hey Mr. Case,

Thanks muchly for the kind sentiment and the read.
I just treat contributing members here the way I want to be treated.

I boned it on this draft, hopefully I've made amends with the new fresh draft.
I'd appreciate your thoughts on the new pages. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from B.C.


Wasn't he Cuban? Al Pacino's character? Why the Italian theme?

My movie geek radar is picking up all sorts of disturbances...


Thanks for pointing that out.
You'll see I address this very point in the fresh draft.
As a matter of fact, it becomes a "runner" in the new version. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.

Brett,

I don't know what happened to you, but are you eating healthy? Like real food, not junky stuff and fast food?

I can see the hard work you put into the script. You probably worked too hard, if that makes sense.

I too, love the concept. I don't think it needs to be made more difficult than it actually is. Think: easy does it and I think it will go much easier. And don't worry about pleasing anyone. I think that if you're pleasing yourself, you will, by default please others because it shows through in the work.

Try that if you're having trouble and see how it works.

Sandra


Hey Sandra,

Yes, I do eat very well. I cook fresh foods. Eat salad every day, etc.
I also take supplements to boost my pokey metabolism.
And since I started writing, I power walk four miles a day.
Combine all that with two years of screenwriting, I've lost 70 pounds.

The arterial inflammation in my brain was stress related.
I've since taken steps to alter my schedule. Things have evened out.
I wasn't managing my time well between writing and working in development.
And couple that with a disastrous debut for Clone Wife, kinda put me over the edge.

I took the bulk of October to rework my schedule and the script.
But, the fresh draft of Clone Wife is up now and things are back on track. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from jwent6688

I would rather see Travis on the verge of a breakthrough before Renee leaves. He begs her to stay. Also, He never talks to her on the phone after she leaves. I felt that odd. You fly through 30 days of experiment. Might want to interject a conversation in there.

James


Hey James,

Thanks for the suggestion.
Since you dived into the fresh draft already, you can see I took this idea to heart.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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Ryan1
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Okay, picking back up on 33.  Is that a typo where it says "Algernon balks?"  I thought maybe you meant barks.

I know this a rom-com with a fantastical element to it, but I have to admit a certain logic problem jumps out at me.  Wouldn't clone wife take one look at Travis and see that he's nine years older?  Wouldn't that be a rather startling sight, considering she thinks it's nine years earlier and she simply was sleepwalking and woke up naked in the lab?  And the same logic can apply to her clothes in the closet.  Wouldn't she look around and think "am I losing my mind?  When did I buy any of this?"

You do address the technology factor when she looks at Swann's cell phone, but wouldn't Clone Wife notice how different all the cars look when she and Travis go out to buy ice cream?

p. 34 "Stig's just going to eat you up"  Seems like you need a reaction from Travis right here.  He's so happy over the success of the experiment and seeing Renee again, that the ramifications of what he's done hasn't hit him yet.  A look of "oh
sh!t" when she mentions Stig might work there.

Typo on 36  SWANN "How long have you know him?"

Typo on 37  CLONE WIFE "Oh, I think it would be wonderful
to catch up with, Guy."  no comma needed after with.

I'm wondering now if you should give Clone Wife an actual name.  Constantly reading "Clone Wife" just gets sort of cumbersome after awhile.  Maybe a nickname based off of Renee?  Like in Splice they called her "Dren."  

Good match cut on 41 from clone wife to Renee.

p 46.  Again, wouldn't Clone Wife find it very strange that Stig also looks nine years older?  Don't mean to harp on this point, but I can tell this is gonna be a problem for me.

p 47.  I do like how Travis spilled his guts to Stig.  And Clone wife overhears it.  Good.  I'm glad you're not stretching this clueless clone wife too far.  But, I didn't buy her reaction when she hears Travis say that she's a clone.  

"Clone Wife looks hurt, then furious"

Just seemed like the wrong words there.  Shocked, astounded, disbelieving, crushed"  More along those lines.  I mean, she just learned she's a freakin' clone.  That would be a headspinner.

But now I like the fact that Clone Wife knows the truth, and seems to plotting some chicanery of her own.

p 53  "You mean fifteenth."  Just a little confused as to how much clone wife knows at this point.  She knows she's a clone, but hasn't figured out it's 2011?   It's just at this point, she's seen her parents who look ten years older and undoubtedly new cars and all sorts of "advanced technology."  She must have figured it out by now, right?

The pacing of the story seems to have really slowed since we got to the book store and onto the restaurant.

I like that Stig got some revenge on Guy, although, the shellfish phobia was set up so overtly, the prawns didn't come as much of a surprise.  

p 61 "25 years? They got it wrong."  Man, I'm starting to think clone wife's brain didn't quite gel correctly.  It really seems like she would have figured it out by now.

End on 62 for now.  So, you didn't take this in the direction I was expecting once clone wife learns she's a clone.  I thought she was furious and was going to plan on doing something to Travis either at the book signing or the restaurant.  But, she didn't do much during these last thirty pages.

Like I mentioned, these last pages felt kind of bogged down and those logic issues kept bothering me.  It just feels right now that the story isn't exploiting its solid premise to its full potential.

But, I'm hoping for some fireworks when Renee shows back up.






















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Ryan1
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And finished.  Okay, I see my assumption was wrong that clone wife learned she was a clone before.  So, what exactly was she so hurt and furious about on p. 47?  Because, those feeling were never shown at any time during the rest of the evening.

So picking up on 63.  The story continues with this languid pace as we hit the playground scene.  The cul-de-sac donut scene was amusing, but kinda strange happening at the crack o' dawn.  

p 65.  You tell us Travis and Clone Wife are sleeping in the bed.  Seems like a missing scene here.  He's got the younger, hotter Renee.  They're going to bed for the first time since he cloned her.  Is Travis gonna bang her or not?  Does he have some last minute crisis of conscience over whether he should or not?  After that romantic night, they just sort of took a snooze.  I thought this was the moment Travis was waiting for.

Didn't get the meaning of Travis' line on 68:  "If I wasn't a scientist, would you
still have married me?"  Why does this make Renee tear up and want to puke?

p 70 "jaw spar"  never heard that one.

Wasn't sure exactly why Officer Pitt was issuing another citation on 72.

Very interesting twist when Renee realizes that she was pregnant at the time the hairs were taken.  But...would this automatically mean the clone is pregnant?  Hmm, I'm not sure of the science there, but since it's a comedy I think we can let it go.  However, I think at the very least you should have Clone Wife take a pregnancy test to verify.  This isn't just something you would assume, considering the rather bizarre situation.

p 74  think you might have a typo at the top where you have Renee say "What?"  Seems like that line was meant for Travis.

The wives go from nearly clawing their eyes out to being buddies pretty fast there.

With Wade, I felt like he didn't do much at all in this story.  I had high hopes for him at the beginning, as he was obviously crushing on Renee.  I thought you might make him a nutty, horndog Quagmire character.  But, on the rare occasions he does show up, he's more of a sounding board for Travis to vent on.

p 77 looks like Astrid's dialogue is missing a word when she says "And we know all too well that gets harder, as we get older."  sounded like you meant to have the word "life" in there.

Gotta say, all the people in the Old Biddies shop seem unbelievably unimpressed that there is a genuine human clone standing among them.  I mean, there's just no reaction from them at all.  They give Clone Wife an apron and put her to work.  It just stretches credibility beyond the breaking point, IMO.

The script is really lagging in the tension department.  I was hoping once Renee and Clone Wife took off in the car, there might be some interesting Thelma and Louise type spin.

Sorry, but I didn't buy the sudden and inexplicable Guy-Travis bonding scene.  No way.  Guy also seems so cavalier about the whole successful human cloning thing.  Travis has made one of the greatest breakthroughs in the history of science and these people are acting like he discovered the cure for jock itch or something.

So, I'm on page 84, I see there are only about 12 pages left in the story and we have a three page pictionary scene.  This is where the story should be boiling out of control, but everything has a very tepid feel to it.  

At the playground scene, Clone Wife has forgiven Travis?  Why?

I wasn't sure what they were all doing in that motel room or what Travis would have a royalty check from.

I liked the nailed cell phone the first couple times you used it.  But, I think you finally went to that well once too often with the college classroom scene.

Good line on 93
RENEE
I'm having a baby! Drive!

But why exactly would Renee be Lamaze breathing on the race to the hospital?  

p 95 Another use of "balks."  That's number three in the script.  Every time I read that, I think of a pitcher on the mound.

Question about the baby:  why would anything be different about it this time?  It wasn't strong enough to survive the first birth, and it's DNA is exactly the same, why would it be born strong and healthy this time?

It's an undeniably cool scene with older Renee helping her younger self through the birth, though.

Didn't buy clone wife giving up her baby.  I just can't see a woman giving up her baby that easily, even if she is gving it up to herself.  I thought she loved Travis.  Why is she leaving?  And if she's leaving, doesn't she finally deserve a name?  Maybe use her middle name?

TRAVIS (V.O.)
You can't see the bond. But if you
accept it for what it is, then
you're saved.

I guess that went over my head.  I'm sure it's profound, I just didn't get it.

So, this is a script that I truly wanted to like, because I think the premise has legs.  And it does have several memorable scenes.  But, I just don't think that you jumped on that premise like you should have.  You sort of danced around it and played with the idea.  Also, as I have mentioned the logic issues and the reactions of the people to Clone Wife made the story lose credibility for me.

It's definitely more rom than com.  For me, at least, it was kinda short on laughs and heavy on the sentimentality.  A chick flick, to be sure.  The idea of cloning is nothing new, from Multiplicity to Splice to that episode of the Simpsons where Homer buys the magic hammock and creates an army of Homer clones.  But I felt this script didn't have enough drive behind it or tension within it.  The stakes were never clear for Travis.  Once he got his clone wife, his character seemed at a complete loss, and the story meandered instead of picking up speed.  You've got a solid idea here, but the story never grabbed me.  I think the premise presents all sorts of opportunities, though.  

Again, this is all just IMO.  Some people might absolutely love it.  You're definitely a skilled wordsmith who can turn a phrase with ease.  

Good luck with it and if you have any additional questions about my notes, lemme know.

Ryan


  










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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 6th, 2011, 11:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from jwent6688
What i was hoping for here was a great motivating factor pushing Travis to clone his "not dead" wife. If she had died, I would believe it. Then this wouldn't be comedy would it?

Hey J!

That was my thought exactly.
There is a movie that went this route back in 1985, "Creator".
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088960/
It stars Peter O'Toole. He "grows" his dead wife from a new egg.
It's a wonderfully schmaltzy, but fairly flawed film.
I had seen it many times when I was working in a movie theater.
Forgotten about it for years, then revisited it before I wrote the new draft.
I had nearly forgotten the likely influence this had on Clone Wife.

I veered away from the dead wife thing to preserve the comedy.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from B.C.
Hey E.D. Hope to see you check in here soon. .

P1 – Opening Slug. Man Cave Lab. I don’t know what this is or what I am supposed to be visualizing. This might be my ignorace, but it’s just not clear to me.

Hey Basket,

You hit on something here, I was getting fancypants from the start.
So, I stripped all of that out of the new fresh draft. Thanks.

Quoted from B.C.

The clone wife dream sequence does have some interesting visual elemant. But then the real clone wife is introduced really abruptly. For me, this should be your “Bride of Frankenstein” reveal moment. With all the bells and whistles that comes with such a reveal. It should be dramatic. Like when Kelly Le Broc reveals herself in ‘Weird Science”.  

I see what you're going for here, pretty classic movie intro.
I went with the nightmare transition for one particular reason.
It helps explain why Travis looks "old" to Clone Wife.
He wakes all sweaty and pale from the nightmare.
I do the same when she sees her brother later.

There's a lot of "magic" in the script, I don't deny it.
But, I felt doing set ups like this would help facilitate believing in them.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from rc1107

Did I miss a huge time jump somewhere or a '9 months later' SUPER?  I hope I wasn't focusing too much on Star Trek still or thinking about the witches in Macbeth you were talking about earlier and I missed it.

Like I said, there are brilliant flashes of something that could be a great story here, but it's a little too cooky as it is now, and my mind's focusing on the cooky things instead of the story.

Hope this helps.

- Mark


Hey Mark,

Thanks again for all your time on this one.
Boy, did I really hang myself to dry out with this old draft.
I did make a clear match cut transition for the season change now.
So, that should eliminate any thoughts about a turbo pregnancy.

I tried hard to strip out the noise and concentrate on the story.
I'm looking forward to your thoughts on the complete fresh draft. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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Eoin
Posted: November 7th, 2011, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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This draft zips along like an old Singer sewing machine. Talk about chalk and cheese compared to your previous draft. This one flows.

Page 11 -

RENEE
This me would have been much more
honest. I tried to tell you, a
hundred times.

Page 15. I don't understand this action description, Fur + Saliva + DNA = clone dog. Travis grins. Is it on a screen or written on the petri dish? Needs clarification.

Page 18. Wouldn't Travis already be wearing safety glasses, a standard scientific requirement when working in the lab? Plus he is pretty anal. I think he just needs to flip them on.

Up to Page 30. Interesting to see how this will play out. Not so sure about the nighmare sequence, it doesn't advance the story, it seems like an unecessary inclusion. After Travis wakes up from his nightmare, i find it hard to believe he doesn't notice Renee is 10 years younger.

Revision History (1 edits)
Eoin  -  November 7th, 2011, 6:10pm
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Mr.Ripley
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Hey Brett,

A better read. Up too pg. 17. However, there's a problem. How does Travis get the missing element towards making his experiments work? I must've missed that. Or maybe make it a bit clearer. I know the dog has to do with it but I guess I don't get it.

Also, on pg. 12 I think there should a super implying that a couple of days has passed. this is in reference to a description you have saying that the main protagonist hasn't shaved for weeks.  

Gabe
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Eoin
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Page 31 - Travis hasn't clicked that Renee is a clone when she tells him she woke up naked in the lab, it takes the married a year comment. All this begs the real question, why we don't see her emerge from the chamber in the lab, the big reveal. It is called Clone Wife, the audience will feel cheated they don't see her cloned.

Why doesn't Clone Wife also know that Travis is 10 years older?

This is an interesting take on the clone idea. The clone wife is actually a replicant, identical in every way to Renee, but nine years younger. A clone on the other hand is a genetic copy like a twin and is an individual in their own right. I'm willing to suspend belief on this idea.

Up to page 41. The set  up with Renee in Tokyo gives Travis some convienent  freedom. I think the premise might be more interesting, create more situational comedy and tension, if he had to juggle between Renee and Clone Wife in the same house.

Page 47. I don't see why Renee suddenly changes her mind, what's the motivation?

Page 51.

ASTRID
(to Travis)
I don’t know what you did, but I’m
going to find out.

Slightly odd comment, sort of plays to the audience.

Page 53.

GUY
I like your thinking! Well, I’m
starving. Where’s that restaurant
your Swedish chef brother owns?

It's obvious that Stig is Swedish and Guy knows this, so why would he say this to Renee?

Page 54. Guy gives Stig head noogies while he talks. I imagine Stig to be a large man, maybe because alot of the strongmen competitors are called Magnusson.

The conversation bewteen Astrid, Guy, Travis and Clone Wife needs to be sharper and more focused. I want to see Travis squirm. At this point the dynamic isn't clear. Does Clone Wife know or not? Maybe the audience should know if she does.
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Eoin
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Page 64 - Renee has changed from hating Travis and saying that their marriage doesn't work and thus moving to Toyko, to coming home because she is worried he isn't picking up his cell?

Page 68. Travis tells Renee that he thought they could start over (referring to Clone wife), but that's not what we are shown - we see him clearly having a great time with Clone Wife - the moment of realisation where Travis figures out that he must make amends with Renee is not clear, nor is the reason for this epiphany.

Page 72. Why are the wives fighting each other and not directing their anger at Travis and why aren't they more shocked at the situation, they seem to be far too accepting.

Page 74. Clone Wife is pregnant. But the conflict between Travis and Renee still hasn't been addressed by way of a confrontation, instead Clone Wife and Renee are pals all of a sudden in the master bedroom.
Page 75. Confusion here over who is driving?

Renee puts the key in the ignition.
RENEE
Hit it.
Clone Wife starts the car, burns rubber and drives away.

Page 81. The only emotional ouburst comes from Oskar?

Page 84. I'm feeling cheated at this stage. The premise of the film still hasn't come to the fore, but simmers somewhere under the surface. The whole deal with Guy is too neat, Travis hasn't had to confront his problems and . . . change, he has to change.

Page 90. I don't see why Astrid now champions Travis, what's the motivation, he sold his research equipment, what about the way the has treated Renee and Clone Wife? Travis has twice proved himself selfish and uncaring.

Page 93. Typo - 'your' missing.

TRAVIS
It’s not your fault. It’s not
fault. I’m right here. I’m not
going anywhere.

The end just doesn't work for me. We never find out why Renee lost the baby and if it caused a major rift in the marriage (which should have been highlighted earlier) Why has Clone Wife given up the baby?? She's now driving off into the sunset What happened with Guy.

Overall the writing has improved 10 fold. The premise still needs to be addressed and the issues between Travis and Renee brought out. The situations and personal relationship they have should lend itself to comic moments that grow organically. The second act at the moment works only on a rigid technical level.

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Quoted from leitskev

This was a very tough read for me for a lot of reasons, starting with the fact that I am really not a rom com guy. It also occurred to me this week, reading another rom com, that one of the problems with rom coms is that we know the ending. Always. I mean, the happy couple always gets together at the end, don't they? So at least with your rom com, we can't say for sure. Or at least there is some doubt, since the happy couple is kind of two happy couples.

Hey Kev,

Thanks again for trudging through the old draft, you're a trooper!
I do tend to agree, this genre doesn't seem to get much love here on SS.
One of these days, I"ll write an action/horror script, I swear!


Quoted from leitskev

Some questions I would have: Has Travis learned anything, I mean besides don't clone your wife? Are the problems between  Travis and Renee solved? Is it because they have a baby now? Clone wife is ok with giving up not only Travis, but her baby?

You zip someone 9 years into the future, it isn't going to be long before they figure it out. Her husband and family are 9 years older, the news on TV and in the paper is different, technological things have changed, as well as style things and cars. Hell, the stuff in the house like movies and CDs would be different.  Maybe this stuff doesn't matter in a comedy. Maybe.


I tried to address these points in the new fresh draft.
Clone Wife is only around for a couple days before the cat's out of the bag.
I don't think it's entirely implausible to go a few days like that.
When CW sees Travis he looks "horrible" because of the nightmare he woke from.
Stig looks horrible to CW when they meet now, because he's puking and shocked.
I thought those comic elements would help suspend disbelief.

Thanks for the thoughts, pal!

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley

I think you need to show Travis getting the idea of cloning Renee. The eureka moment that he should have "I can...clone renee". Hope this makes sense. It wasn't clear for me. Granted you show Algernoon cloned, but I can't recall    Very cliche

Also, the backstory should be developed more. I think opening the script with the failed pregnancy might be sufficient enough to set the tone. You have to establish that early on since that's your crux.

Hey Gabe!

Thanks a ton for helping out on this mess!
I decided to make CW's existence somewhat accidental in the fresh draft.
I felt him deliberately creating her was too close to another script.
That, and Travis trying to cover up the chaos keeps things lighter.
So, now that it's clearly an accident, I'm curious as to your opinion on the fresh draft.

I sprinkled some lines in the new draft to enhance their relationship.
Show where the cracks are that Travis isn't seeing, etc. Hope this helps.

***SPOILERS***

Quoted from Mr.Ripley

Furthermore, Clone Renee should stay. I felt sad when she leaves. She can help babysit.

Hope this makes sense. If not, ask. Good Luck. Hope you get better. Keep us updated.
Gabe

Aww, Clone Wife can come back whenever she wants.
But now she can live her life on her own terms.
And the bond she shares with Renee, well, they'll always be "together".
***END SPOILERS***

I thought it was important that CW have the chance to be herself.
I vetted the script with a psychologist colleague, he agreed with me.

Heh. May sound silly but I thought it critical to have a psychologist look this over.
Surprisingly, despite the fantastical set up, he felt the characters made sense.

How I deal with depression, denial, false hope, flouting responsibility & redemption.
There's a lot going on, this could get dark in a hurry, if I wasn't careful.

Hence, I lightened things up anywhere else that I could.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
I just wanted to comment on that opening with the dog. That is funny and cute at the same time. lol. Will read this as quickly as possible.

Gabe


Gabe,

You are a work horse! Thanks for cracking the new one open so fast.
I really needed a confidence boost after the last debacle I posted.

Wanted to put a stamp on this fresh from scratch draft from the get go.
So, that meant I had to completely redesign my opening scene.

I actually drew some inspiration from a couple sources for Travis here.
Revisited "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" and "Short Circuit".
So, Travis is showing off his inner Zelinski and some Newton Crosby too!
That tonal shift really helped me delve into the rest of the material.

It's amazing how one fundamental shift touches everything.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from leitskev
I was afraid to go back, I really was. But I opened up, and sweet, the first page has been reconstructed, and is dramatically improved! Flows nice and easy, images come quick to the reader and are clear. I am assuming this improvement reflects similar adjustments throughout the work, so I will take another look soon. But so far so good as far as the improved read, good job.


Hey Kev,

Thanks for taking a quick crack at the fresh opener.
Aww, sorry I scared you before. It was not a good month for me.
But the medical stuff checks out and I really forced myself to rework this script.

I knew half measure weren't going to get the job done.
So, I went in there and ripped it apart, hoping I would make some headway.

I'm just glad I found my voice again.

Regards,
E.D.

Okay, whew, caught up.
Now onto you blokes that read the new draft!


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leitskev
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I haven't had time yet to get past the first quarter of the new draft, but like I said, HUGE improvement. Nothing as far as the read was a stumbling block this time. Most things seemed well conveyed.

This concept is very similar to a time travel movie, in that there are inevitably logic problems. But that hasn't stopped time travel movies from being successful.

And this really is a kind of a time travel movie, since we're getting a Renee from the past. I guess the idea is to minimize these problems to the point where most people won't question things too deeply. Terminator, Back to the Future...those had logic issues too, but it wasn't a major problem as long as you didn't scratch too deeply.

I'll have to see how the new draft addresses these, but for me, I think the biggest problem in the first draft was taking the clone wife to dinner with the parents and then to the reunion. Maybe...maybe...that would be possible if she was in on it, but the clone does no know she's a clone, and Travis doesn't want her to know, so why would he risk taking her?  Logic problems when it comes to the science or even the premise are one thing, but the characters have to act in a way that makes sense and is believable.

I'll check when I can to see how it works in the new draft. Sorry, been real busy lately. I'll get to it.
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James McClung
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Hi Brett,

Finally finished this one up.

I really don't have much to say as many of my thoughts echo previous sentiments. That said, I'll leave the logistical issues out of my review. They've already been addressed by some other members and I didn't have as much of a problem with the logistics collectively that others did. I mean you have a cloning machine that functions on anthropomorphic robot hands and goo instead of... well, anything that would resemble a real cloning machine, if such a thing were to exist. Long story short, your angle is a little more cartoony and enables a little more suspension of disbelief.

Anyway, I had mixed feelings about this script, as I did Zombie Playground. I think I liked it better than Zombie Playground as ZP was way left field from its subject matter. Zombies have been taken way too far in the goofy/satirical route in recent times for my taste so reading more of that stuff is a little trying. This one's elements seemed to blend a little bit better and the genre and tonal idiosyncrasies were a little more charming than disjointed.

The humor probably worked the least for me. I don't remember finding any of it funny. Just zany and bizarre. The mistaken nationality of Tony Montana... yeah, I get it but... not funny. Just weird. I mean elements like Stig's Italian/Japanese crossover cuisine and the rum raisin ice cream with the "special applesauce"... it gives your script character and your writing a unique face but it never appealed to me. It sort of reminded me of Robert Rodriguez's family films, which are, frankly, terrible.

There's some more "normal" humor like Wade gawking at Renee's ass but this didn't work for me either. Too vanilla, frankly. Especially with all the other weird stuff you've got going on. Seems like you threw in a few easily accessible jokes that you were less enthusiastic about to counter-balance the more esoteric.

So overall, the humor... not for me (except for the "sad flour" bit, that made me laugh).

Onto the meat of the script... the story and characters, that is. Well, I liked them. The characters worked. They were all quirky, distinguishable and more or less well developed. I guess I sympathized with Travis's plight. I think the whole "check here [ ] if you want to save our marriage" thing carried enough realism and melancholy to put the audience on his side. I think developing the lost child subplot further would help develop Renee's character, whom I understood leaving Travis but not coming back to him.

Stig was one guy I didn't get. That is, I didn't understand why he was so chummy with Travis. Are they actually friends? What's the history here?

Guy was a problematic character. Astrid's affinity for him was ripe for some interesting conflict as she clearly wasn't fond of Travis so that worked. But he didn't really project himself as much of a villain, even with Clone Wife taking kind of a fancy to him. That actually kind of hurt the whole "Clone Wife is so much better than my real wife" angle. I mean, if Guy was hitting on her or something then it might've balanced out. Clone Wife's interest would be more responsive than inherent. Yeah, and the whole bar scene with Guy and Travis at the end... I see what you were going for but there's nothing that leads up to it for it to make sense.

Not really sure what to do with the cat but I think you need to reconsider his character.

Onto plot. Well, I think the concept is great and there's some moments that really click but for the most part, I think you squandered it. Everything seems to be working out. There's no awkward moments where Clone Wife reveals her offness. Everyone just seems to go along with her. Any moments of characters picking up on clone strangeness seemed to go to Algernon. Then at the end, when the cat's out of the bag, everyone seems to go along with the fact that there's two Renees. I mean you have a classic situation in which a character has to cover up a big secret and it all goes swimmingly for the most part. Nix. No good. You gotta shake things up a bit. Not only can you have outside characters on the verge of discovering Clone Wife's origins, you can have Clone Wife herself on the verge. I think that's equally dramatic, if not more.

That said, I would keep in mind that your premise is definitive classic comedy. That is to say you have a character who's luck changes for the better as opposed to the worse, which is, of course, tragedy. While I do think the plot needs some obstacles, I do think Clone Wife should remain a good thing to Travis that he wants to hold onto.

Might as well throw in that I like the ending. I like that Clone Wife goes off to be her own person. I do think the ease with which she abandons her birth child might be a little too easy. I mean, she's a mother. Clone or not, there's gotta be some built in biological mechanism that keeps her from wanting to give away her child. But again, it's the ease with which she does this. I don't think she should fight to keep the baby or anything and I think she should be able to recognize that it's a precious gift that she should be able to give birth and make Renee and Travis's lives better when it's the one thing the real Renee can't do. Almost like being a surrogate mother... actually, no. That's pretty much exactly what it is.

So yeah. Dig it.

Anyway, some of this I didn't like and some of it, I'm not going to like no matter what as you've got your own ideas of what this should be and that's cool. Other bits, I do think need work and would kick the script up a good couple notches by any standards. Regardless, for better or for worse, I think you have something standout here. Your writing continues to be distinctly Brett Martin which is harder to achieve than simply good or even great writing. Voice is important so be proud you've got one.

Hope this helps. Always a pleasure.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
James McClung  -  November 9th, 2011, 7:13pm
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Brett

First off it reads much, much better. Big improvement. It flows well, the characters are easier to understand and there is a better balance to the order.

Hey Reef!

Thanks for taking another look at this, you're a brave soul!

October was a tough slog for me, took a big chunk of it to rewrite the script.
I knew the best solution was a fresh draft from scratch.
It's painful to hacksaw months of work like that, but needed to be done.
I'm just relieved that the effort is yielding positive results.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer

The laughs are clearer but there is still the opportunity for a bit more as you continue to fine tune. In particular you have started well with algereron but maybe there are a few extras to squeeze out in the interaction between them. As this is light hearted I think you can push the relationship.

I see what you're saying here, but this is why I'm a little gun shy on big laughs.
I don't want CW to be a yuck-yuck script. So, I inch in that direction, very slowly.
The material is too heady to veer into too much slapstick, IMO.
This is another step closer to see how laugh out loud funny I should make it.
I feel good about it, so I'll keep nudging the envelope in subsequent drafts. Thanks.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Like Gabe the first page is a far stronger start as well as easier to read. Others will give you a more detailed read but here are a few comments;

P2 his speech on facts seems a bit in your face

Could be, I use it as a "place holder" until I have a better "keep your chin up" line.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Part of the  travis character which you should milk is the geek who can't communicate. The interaction with wade could be used to highlight this further. Maybe he could talk to the robot as well as his dog.

I've given some thought to Travis conversing with the arms more.
Especially during the more expository moments shortly after CW's arrival.
I can see it in my head working, likely will be added to the next draft. Thanks.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Why does the chain saw amputate the y?

Because in DePalma's Scarface, Tony uses a chainsaw to amputate a goon.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer

P6 etymology?

Etymology is the study of the history of words.
I thought I worded that line so the meaning would come across.
I'll have to keep an eye on that then.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Travis story to algereon about child. Perhaps too much on the nose, a bit more visual?

It's a storybook moment, I didn't want to get too fancy with it.
CW has many fairy tale tropes already, I didn't want to flower it up.
But I do feel the fairy tale elements help facilitate the fantasy of Clone Wife.
The storybook scene being the most obvious allusion to fairy tales.
Travis in the opener dancing with Renee, which then abruptly stops.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer

P19 the production of clone al just seems a bit sudden. Could the previous experiments get closer to success, or some progress, possibly resulting in some mess to clean( other than goo) but giving the impression it's closer? Maybe an accident with some food?

That sequence used to be twice as long as it is now.
I have room to go back and expand a beat or two, if that helps sell the reader.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer

P32 talks too much to himself?

This is one of those points where talking to the arms could help the script, IMO.
They can gesture "dialogue" as well.
Then that would give me some of the Molecuzilla vibe back from the old draft.
I can see it in my head, so likely it will wind up in the next draft. Thanks.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer

Standing back, the beauty with this idea is that it gives you various options with humour such as the change in time ( think back to the future) the trying to hide the wife, or secrets, (farce style) and the first flush of love and the stupid things people do.

It will be interesting to see where this goes as I didn't read the whole last time.

All the best.

Reef, I'm glad to hear you bring up the time travel thing.
Clone Wife is quite a hybrid beasty of a script.
Part rom/com. Part farce. Part time travel and all told through fairy tale glasses.
The juggling act is overwhelming at times.

The breadth of the concept staggers my mind quite often.
I didn't realize till late in the game I was doing a retro time travel thingy.
Really dug the fact that I was bringing "the past" to my protag.
Time travel is rarely handled that way, so the prospect excited me.

Thanks tons for the insights, I'm sure they'll result in some script tweaks.
Happy to return the gesture anytime.

Regards,
E.D.



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leitskev
Posted: November 11th, 2011, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Here I am, sitting here working on my own stuff, and I guess I had it somewhere in my head that I have to get back to Clone soon, to read the rewrite, because OUT OF NOWHERE popped into my head an idea for Clone. Something that solves one of the issues people seemed to complain about. Hear it out Brett, weigh it for a while, before you reject it out of hand. If nothing else keep it on file if people keep complaining about the ending.

The solution is so obvious I don't know why I didn't see it before. All he has to do is clone himself! The copy that goes to clone wife will have the same memory as Travis, at least from the moment his tissue was taken.

You can go a lot of different routes with that. For the most simple solution, clone husband could be in the car with clone wife at the end. But if you really wanted to play around with this, he could clone himself earlier(yes, I've seen the Simpsons episode). He could use his clone to try to keep clone wife and Renee from finding out about each other. For example, Renee unexpectedly comes home, and clone Travis tells her there was a fire at the house, or mold, and they have to stay with her parents.

Of course, if clone wife is not in on things, eventually she will go visit her parents and all hell will break loose.

Clone Travis could even have "an affair" with Renee, making Travis jealous, perhaps somewhat irrationally.

It does open some more creative doors.

Revision History (1 edits)
leitskev  -  November 15th, 2011, 12:04am
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from James McClung

Hmm... I'm not sure what you did, exactly, but indeed, as Kevin said, this was a lot easier to read than the last draft. I read 60+ pages of that sucker and at times, I felt like I was trudging through descriptions, leaving me quite lost in the story at times. Not only that but you had some strange ideas (e.g. Molecule-zilla) that ended up wreaking havoc on your format somehow (the WORD BUBBLE dialogue was peculiar, to say the least). Obviously, you cut this down, to say the least, but it really does read like a completely different script. I can tell you rewrote this from scratch.

Honestly, I'm breezing through this so far. Already, this is a massive improvement.

Hey James,

Thanks for going back to the new draft.
You've already gone through this story one and a half times.
You're right, I went and wrote a complete fresh draft from scratch.
I was afraid I lost the thread of the story somehow.
So, I thought it best to start over with a blank page and give it another go.

Quoted from James McClung

I suppose what we get from Travis and Renee's relationship prior to their separation is a bit sparse, even with the fact that there's obviously been some growing apart, but I think you got the basics down. Without spelling it out, I got the sense that Renee'd grown a little weary of Travis and that his work likely played a major part in that. Obviously, he's wrapped up in it, rendering him a little forgetful. It's kind of a classic setup without being too forced. For the sake of basic storytelling, so far, so good.

I kept it sparse on purpose, I wanted her departure revealed within ten pages.
Anything more would have been belaboring the point IMO.
Keeping it light was key until the bomb was dropped at dinner.
I wanted to portray Travis as a decent but distracted and goofly immature fella.

Quoted from James McClung

Though it doesn't hurt your character now (and I don't see any signs of it hurting him in the future), I figured I'd bring this up just so you keep it in mind whenever you come back to this script.

I tend to get a little long winded when I address this kind of stuff so I recommend you check out the Nostalgia Critic's review of Flubber to get a better sense of what I'm talking about. Basically, Robin Williams' character in that film is just a huge jerk that they try to pass off as a sweet but bumbling goof.

Glad you brought it up, I was very wary of making his work obsession too heavy.
The script doesn't have a prayer of working if Travis is off putting.
Oh, I'll have to check out that review. Thanks for the tip.

Quoted from James McClung

Renee's reveal works way better this time. The first time around, she was way too apologetic. Her leaving Travis didn't feel as crushing to the guy. This time, it's much more of a blow. Good job.

I tried to sharpen the pain and sum it up into a few hurtful words.
The "I woke up from the dream" approach I felt summed that up well.
But not do it in a point the finger kind of repulsive way. Glad it worked for you.

Quoted from James McClung

Unfortunately, Travis's breakthrough suffers this time around. You went from an overblown build up to almost completely skimming over it. I mean all the Molecule-zilla stuff came to be way too much. But I liked the build up in percentage on the computer, which is absent this time. It gave the audience something to anticipate. I'd bring that element back.

I cut that sequence in half for this draft, including the demise of Molecuzilla.
The script has a pretty lean page count, so I can put a beat or two back for that.

Quoted from James McClung

Also, when Clone Al comes out, Travis's reaction is just way too downplayed. I mean, maybe he was expecting it but the magnitude of his success doesn't seem to hit him at all. I mean, he's happy but more in the way someone would be if they struck a really nice shot in gulf. It's like "Yes! Great! ...moving along..." No good, man. The whole sequence needs more drama.

I did put in a beat where Travis dances a jig with Clone Al.
I didn't want him to celebrate too much, but you're right it needed something.
That helps lead into where Travis learns his success was not happy without Renee.

Quoted from James McClung

I'm leaving off where Travis is doing a lot of talking to himself. That very movie-ish completely unrealistic talking to one's self. Fortunately, I think your setup yields a solution. Just a suggestion but why not have Travis be able to communicate verbally with his computer? I don't mean have the computer be self aware or talk back. More along the lines of cell phone voice commands. Then you can have him talk to himself until he's blue in the face. Worked in Cronenberg's The Fly and that's the greatest movie ever made.

This did inspire a thought about the gesturing robotic arms.
Travis could talk to them when he's going through some exposition.
They can gesture answers back, could be a fun way to get through that stuff.
I think that will make into the next draft. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.



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James McClung
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer
This did inspire a thought about the gesturing robotic arms.
Travis could talk to them when he's going through some exposition.
They can gesture answers back, could be a fun way to get through that stuff.
I think that will make into the next draft. Thanks!


Certainly a better idea than mine. I'm going to encourage this. You should definitely take advantage of your anthropomorphic cloning machine.


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wonkavite
Posted: November 15th, 2011, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer


That helps lead into where Travis learns his success was not happy without Renee.



Oooooh, that's a great idea!  What if Travis were to call out in excitement to Renee...only to remember that she's not there anymore...?

Small thought, but the thread sparked the idea.  Great way to add a bit of emotional pathos....
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from wonkavite


Oooooh, that's a great idea!  What if Travis were to call out in excitement to Renee...only to remember that she's not there anymore...?

Small thought, but the thread sparked the idea.  Great way to add a bit of emotional pathos....


Hmmm, turn a happy dance moment into a sad face with glum music cue.
That could work! Be a nice lead in to unexpected brother in law. Thanks!

*writes it into his CW notebook of doom*

Regards,
E.D.


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Grandma Bear
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Brett, I decided to give this one a read instead of rereading ZP. Hope that's ok.

I've only got to page 20 so far.

As you probably know by now, rom-coms are not my favorite but it's a very popular genre from what I understand.

So far, my thoughts would be that the beginning needs a change. We need to see more of Travis' and Renee's relationship. Need to learn more about them. More characterization from the get go so we attach ourselves to these characters and want to know how it's all going to turnout for them. Right now, that's missing, IMHO. That's why I think the first ten pages are a bit weak.

I want to know how the clones are going to turnout though. I find myself wondering how you're going to handle their knowledge. Seems to me they would be born with a blank slate?

Anyway, so far so good. I'm glad you're being so prolific.  

The following are notes as I was reading. They might come off as curt, but they are not intended as such.

As far as the poster goes…I'm not sure yet, but right now I'm thinking it's too kid like and cartoony.


pg    1.    you might want to describe the "supercomputers" better. what popped into my head was these giant computers that need special air-conditioning and such and I also didn't get the "kid's" room. in short, I had a hard time picturing this makeshift lab and IMHO that's not good when it's your first line…

isn't it still correct to spell out numbers in dialogue or has that too gone out of style?

I had a hard time picturing the genetic chamber and what goes on inside it…maybe I'm stupid?  

pg    3.    Algernon rubs against her leg? he's a dog, not a cat.  

pg    5.    Stig Magnusson? that's Swedish. nothing wrong with it. just pointing that out.

pg    6.    I thought the description of Astrid reads rather clunky. I had to read it twice.

my thoughts after having read the first 10 is that I would have liked to see more interactions between Travis and Renee and less of her relatives. more characterization so we get to know their relationship better would probably have made me care a little more about the story. some clunky lines and descriptions here and there that made me have reread them slowed the read.

pg   11.    I don't understand at all how this works "Renee stares at the photo, Travis' writing reversed in the medicine cabinet mirror". she's sitting on the toilet. is she holding up the photo to the mirror? things like that is what slows the reading down…

pg   14.    Travis doesn't wake up even though the dog is walking in circles on his chest? why is Travis so deep asleep in the middle of the day?

pg   15.    "fur + saliva + dna = clone dog". another one of those things that stopped me dead in my tracks. what exactly do you mean by it? is it a camera shot or Travis' thought?

just realized that maybe I was reading the earlier version of the script. you'll know if I did. I'm on page 15 now and am on the current version from here on.

pg   15.   IMHO that's not a montage, but a SERIES OF SHOTS

pg   20.    Get off, yourself!  LOL! good line.


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Ledbetter
Posted: November 20th, 2011, 1:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

Sorry I missed this one up till my my friend.

I owe you a big juicy read and review and from what I see from some of the reviews, I am going to love this script.

I'm not going to read all of post though so if my comments are redundent, then sorry.

Give me a few days and I will get back to you.

Fair?

Take care brother-

Shawn.....><
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Brett, I decided to give this one a read instead of rereading ZP. Hope that's ok.

just realized that maybe I was reading the earlier version of the script. you'll know if I did. I'm on page 15 now and am on the current version from here on.



Hey Pia!

Big thanks for taking a look at the new feature.
I did answer your question about this, but I think it's on the ZP thread, heh.
Reading this is great, it's all good, m'dear.

And yes, you were reading the old Torture Edition of the script.
The first 15 pages are drastically different from the latest version posted here.
Some details down the road may be confusing with mixing the drafts.
But, I don't think it's a major deal. So, no worries.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Ledbetter
Hey Brett,

Sorry I missed this one up till my my friend.

I owe you a big juicy read and review and from what I see from some of the reviews, I am going to love this script.

I'm not going to read all of post though so if my comments are redundent, then sorry.

Give me a few days and I will get back to you.

Fair?

Take care brother-

Shawn.....><


Hey Shawn,

Thanks for the note.
Sounds like a plan, take your time.
Looking forward to your thoughts.

Regards,
E.D.

And I'll respond to the other great reviews over the holiday!


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Jahon Bahrom
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The story is very good. I noticed some minor mistakes, but I might be wrong.
page 18- dog sniffs, not dogs.
page 24- I think Travis doesn't need to say that he is not happy because she left him. Stig has to guess why he is not happy and suggest GUY.
page36- In Swan's line you forgot N for have known.
page53- She is nine years younger, so 29th reunion, I think.
page90- Put AN instead of A, In Renee's line. The shuttle picks me up in an hour.
page91- Student who rises his hand is singular.

Some suggestion from me. Kill the clone in the hospital while giving birth, but keep the baby alive.
This way it would be more than just a comedy. It would be something special.
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Mr.Ripley
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Hey Brett finally finished.

This is a cleaner draft. I still enjoy the story but...

SPOILERS!

I don't remember if I mentioned this before nevertheless, I think you should establish the lost pregnancy earlier in the beginning. That seems to be when the couples' problems arise. Their relationship is tested. Renee wants to run away from that terrible tragedy. Travis creates clone wife. Then have clone wife question about having the baby finding out what happened to Renee.

The way you have the story here, Travis enjoys clone wife better than Renee. So, why doesm't Travis just not stay with clone wife and leave Renee? lol. I think Travis seems like the type of guy who would do that.

Just my thoughts.
Gabe
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Ledbetter
Posted: November 27th, 2011, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

I wanted to let you know, I'm about half way through it and will be posting my thoughts on it tomorrow.

So far, I'm really enjoying it.

Good job!

Shawn.....><
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from Ryan1
Okay, read the first 32 pages.  Now glancing at some of the earlier comments, it looks like you significantly streamlined the writing, which is always a good thing.

Hey Ryan!

Always a pleasure to have you take a gander at my work.
Hope the Will to Live rewrites panned out for you.

October was a scary month for me, both personally and professionally.
But, the medical stuff all worked out.
And it seems I've debugged a lot of what needed attention in the old draft.
So, I dodged a couple of bullets and got back on track.

Quoted from Ryan1

Starting on page one, I'm wondering where Travis obtained all this equipment and how exactly he got it into his basement.  Supercomputers and "genetic chambers" are items that I'm guessing would run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars if not more.  Where does Travis get the funding for this?  

Why does Travis not have a job if he's this brilliant?  Maybe he's an underappreciated genius, whose theories are simply too radical for mainstream science.  What about having another separate structure on the property, like in the backyard, converted into a lab?

There were a few lines that addressed this in the earlier draft.
A mention of loans being paid off by Renee and stuff.
I understand the sterility issue, and it does make sense.
But I like the metaphorical significance of the lab being "under" the house.
Rick Moranis has his lab in the attic in "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids".

Quoted from Ryan1

Montana Tony's.  Is there any reason you don't just call it Tony Montana's?  With all the velvet Tony Montana's in the restaurant, it would seem like a better fit.

I always thought inverting it made more sense.
Especially since Tony Montana is Cuban. not Italian.
I could make mention of the threat of a lawsuit forcing a name change, etc.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 6.  Didn't really get the notes on the take out menus joke.

The second half of that joke didn't make it into this draft.
In hindsight, this bit should probably come out. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

p.7  When Astrid says: "Why you traded in theprom king for your science tutor is
still a mystery to me."  That's a brutal, humiliating swipe at Travis right in his face.  and he does...nothing.  No reaction at all.  Just a line about other prom queens being available.  To me this shows a character without a backbone who allows his mother in law to trample over him.  Renee's reasoning to leave the guy seems a little more apparent after that incident, but its still hazy.

Travis lacks backbone because he lacks pride in himself.
In the opener, there's his dreamy approach to his experiments as well.
A dreamer with a lack of self pride seems pretty clear motivators.
I have to choose reasons for the break up that won't make the reader hate Travis.
These flaws serve him pretty well as the stakes raise later in the story.
But there's always room to improve that message.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 8. "aides" should be aids.

Whoops. That was a derp move. Good catch.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 9.  Oskar's line "Flight's tomorrow morning" ssems like it should have been said by Renee.

Yeah, I can see that in my mind working. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

Renee:  "I woke up."  Ouch.  But, what exactly made her wake up?  We just don't have enough insight into their relationship right now to understand this breakup.

I go back and forth on this point.
Tend to shy away from over explanation.
But I could put that, "I'm tired of blah, Travis. After all these years", type stuff.
It feels so obvious, unless it's a killer line that doesn't feel expository.
For now, the "I woke up." is a solid place holder for that thought, IMO.
Especially since it alludes to the fairy tale element of the overall story.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 10  Is the hair taped next to the photo?  Maybe a line of explanation as to why it's there.

It's actually in the photo album, I'll be clearer about that.
And it does get explained later why the hair is there.
On page 11, Travis tells us about the lost baby, but since it's pure exposition, it doesn't have much power behind it.  Maybe if they still had some baby clothes that they had picked out.  I think having a baby item such as a tiny sock or shirt laid out in the album would hold more dramatic weight.
[/quote]
I thought about that, but left the "baby object bit" for the third act.
I see what you're getting at, but that's a lot of heavy in a short time.
Which is why I opted for the storybook telling to the dog.

Quoted from Ryan1

Okay, on page 12, we read that "Travis and Algernon look out a bay window as Renee's cab drives away."  In the very next scene, Wade sees the pool table in his backyard.  First question, how would Travis be able to haul a pool table from his basement to Wade's backyard by himself?

Movie magic!
I found the humor in not showing how he got it over there.
But that in his own quirky way, it was Travis reaching out to someone.
I tend to shy away from explaining away all the magic.
It's a personal choice, and I understand why it doesn't work for you.
People will find a way, if they want to communicate, even if their brain subverts them.

Quoted from Ryan1

Next question:  When Wade walks over to Travis' backyard, we see that "Travis hasn't shaved in weeks."  How does this timing work out?  Renee said she was leaving for Tokyo the very next day.  How does Travis now have weeks of growth on his beard?

I think you got the first freash draft version. There was a mistake in the scene order.
Since then, I've fixed it. So the passage of time makes more sense.

Quoted from Ryan1

Stig has a way of talking like a Swedish Frankenstein at times.  Like here:
We open the doors. People come in
and sit down. They eat things I
make. Give us money, then leave.

Are the Magnusson's supposed to be from Sweden?  Because at times I got the feeling Stig's command of English "not so good."

Yes, they are. Magnusson is a Swedish name.
As I'm sure Pia already knows!

Quoted from Ryan1

If Travis was this lovelorn it seems like he would have jumped at the chance to talk to Renee when she calls Stig.  Maybe a final word from her here could finally convince Travis that he has no shot at all at reconciling with his wife and this convinces him to go ahead with the cloning experiment.  Because, it is incredibly unethical after all, cloning someone without their permission.  Something has to drive Travis to that point of desperation.

Hmm, I could see that suggestion working.
I'll have to marinate in my brain and see how it comes out next draft. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

I understand what you were going for with the line "Hello, flour. I miss you." on 26.  
But I think this would actually be a little confusing if you were watching the movie.  A lot of people would think Travis was saying "flower."

Hmm, I wonder if there's a better word than flour for that part.
I'll have to look it over when I revisit the script. I see your point.

Quoted from Ryan1

Good visual with supercomputer integrated with pipe organ.  The nightmare did go a bit too long, IMO.

When the pipe organ supercomputer flashed in my brain, I knew it was a keeper.
Even back in spring of 2010, that image stayed with me all this time.
I had shortened the nightmare up, perhaps it can use another nip/tuck.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 32

TRAVIS
This is it. This is my chance. All
the same experiences in a new body
of possibilities. I've created a
get-out-of-divorce free card. This
is my flour!

Once again, I think the word "flour" would be confusing here.  And this dialogue really sounded on the nose.  You're telling us what we already know, because the previous paragraph explained the nine year old dna twist.  I think Travis cracking a wry smile would actually work better here.

Your suggestion is pretty good, but I think I wrote the lines for another reason.
But at the time, I wasn't sure exactly why I wanted them there.
Thanks to another peer reviewer (James?), I had a thought.
The lines can be spoken to the robotic arms that assist Travis in the lab.
I like him talking exposition to the dog and the arms, gives them character.
And I think it makes the arms' "demise" in the explosion more meaningful.

Quoted from Ryan1

Okay, so far got some mixed feelings on this one.  On one hand, it seemed like you were trying to base the science on real actual techniques and theories, but having Clone Wife appear was just hard for me to buy. Of course with a whacky comedy like that, logic ain't a big concern.

I have tinkered with the thought of showing Clone Wife emerge from the chamber.
But part of me is really attached to her just being there when Travis wakes.
It's such a strong fairy tale romance reversal beat. I adore it.
Waking from the nightmare to the "reality" of his dream come true.
That kind of metaphorical sauce is too hard for me to pass up.
Ideally, I want to find a smooth way to integrate all those elements.

Quoted from Ryan1

And, I wanted to know more about how Renee and Travis' relationship went sour.  They broke up so quickly in this script, it's hard to even picture them as a couple.

So, I'll be interested to see how the clone wife impacts Travis life and the rest of the plot.

Less is more, but I see your point.
I want to be subtle, there's a lot of drama to get through in the early stages.
And I still want to keep Clone Wife's arrival at the end of act one.
Perhaps a simple, "Travis I'm tired of all...", type beat will do the trick.

Thanks for the super detailed comments. Helpful stuff.

To be continued.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 1st, 2011, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Jahon Bahrom
The story is very good. I noticed some minor mistakes, but I might be wrong.
page 18- dog sniffs, not dogs.
page 24- I think Travis doesn't need to say that he is not happy because she left him. Stig has to guess why he is not happy and suggest GUY.
page36- In Swan's line you forgot N for have known.
page53- She is nine years younger, so 29th reunion, I think.
page90- Put AN instead of A, In Renee's line. The shuttle picks me up in an hour.
page91- Student who rises his hand is singular.

Some suggestion from me. Kill the clone in the hospital while giving birth, but keep the baby alive.
This way it would be more than just a comedy. It would be something special.


Jahon,

Thanks for the read and the helpful comments.
Kudos for catching some grammar mistakes. I'll get those fixed up.

I've had people think that Clone Wife would sacrifice herself for the baby.
Multiple people in fact, which kinda surprised me, in the good way.
But in the end, I do believe Clone Wife getting a chance to be her own person is best.
And Travis helping her achieve that goal, makes him a better man.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Brett finally finished.

This is a cleaner draft. I still enjoy the story but...

SPOILERS!

I don't remember if I mentioned this before nevertheless, I think you should establish the lost pregnancy earlier in the beginning.

So, why doesm't Travis just not stay with clone wife and leave Renee? lol. I think Travis seems like the type of guy who would do that.

Just my thoughts.
Gabe


Hey Gabe,

Thanks a ton for taking another look at this.
I'm glad this draft read better for you, that was a big goal.
The pregnancy does come up on page nine.
That's pretty early on, and I wanted to start the script late in the relationship.
The sooner we get to Clone Wife, the better. She adds spice to the plot.

Maybe Old Travis would try and "forget Renee".
And I think now and again, he does, just for key moments here and there.
But, he always comes back to the truth, which makes things bittersweet.
Which is the angle I was going for in the post Guy dinner scenes.

Travis growing as a man helps him take responsibility for his "creation".
And that includes giving her the chance to live the life she wants.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Ledbetter
Hey Brett,

I wanted to let you know, I'm about half way through it and will be posting my thoughts on it tomorrow.

So far, I'm really enjoying it.

Good job!

Shawn.....><


Hey Shwan!

I'm pleased that you're not laboring through the read!

Always a good thing to get your feedback on my work!
Keep chugging on that feature script of yours!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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rc1107
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey E.D.

Read the first 28 pages before I had to leave yesterday.  I have to say, I think I had too much time at work to let it percolate because this might be a little too detailed.  But, these are just thoughts I had, so pick and choose what to listen to at your will.

First of all.  I loved this draft.  I really got into it.  (By the way, I read the re-re-vised draft.)

I kind of think the Ferris Buehler thing would be funnier if she figured it out in the car later on.  When she first comes home from work, she could ask him what he's wearing, then say they need to talk.  Travis hurriedly tells her of his achievement, so she lets it go.  Then, during an awkward silence in the car later, she looks at his clothes and blurts out "Jesus, Travis.  Ferris Buehler?  Really?"  I just think it would make a better delivery.  Then, Travis could answer 'What?  It's your favorite movie."  and Renee answers '20 years ago it was'.

I think that's somewhat how you had it in the first draft I read, but it was too confusing at the time.  It'll stand out more now that the story's been cleared up.

Bottom of pg. 4  -  Is Renee's line 'You forgot.' Supposed to have a period or question mark?  It works either way, but I think it would work better as a question, since Travis answers.

Middle of pg. 6  -  Regarding Astrid's reference to Wonders.  You've told us readers what Travis' last name is enough, but I don't think the 'movie audience' will have it quite in their heads yet.  You have Travis call Renee 'Mrs. Wonders' at one point, but I think the audience needs something else to drive the last name home.  Maybe when Renee walks in the house when she gets off work that first time, have her walk past a sign that says 'The Wonders' as the neighbor gawks at her ass.  Or something like that.

Bottom of pg. 6  -  I think Stig should notice Renee's tense, not Oskar, that's why he says 'I'll get wine, so we can talk less.'  Again, I just think it would make the delivery better.

I also think while everbody pronounces Guy like 'rhymes with see', maybe have Travis pronounce Guy like 'rhymes with sigh', just to irritate everybody at the dinner table.  I think it would turn Travis' character volume up a notch.

I love how Travis glares at Renee when he says 'a truly stable clone can be whatever it chooses to be.  It can change its destiny.'  That's an example of great foreshadowing.  But also, it's a line that might help us understand that Clone Wife will be fine at the end of the story.  Going her own way.  (Assuming that you haven't killed off Clone Wife in this draft, that is.)

Bottom of Pg. 11  -  Make sure we know that Renee saw the question on the back of the picture, and made no intent to check it.  (Maybe she looks at the question and shakes her head 'no'.)  Right now, it reads like she didn't see the question.

Top of Pg. 16  -  Regarding:  The sausage pellet in his beard.  Ew.  That was gross and uncalled for, sir.  And I loved it!  Was that in the first draft?  I think I remember reading it before, but it definately sticks out now and is hilarious here, now that it's not muddled in a dozen other details.

Bottom of pg. 18  -  I also love the idea of 'a support structure that allows it to grow'.  (And I like how you used the spokes of a wheel as the metaphor for it.)  Like I said, I'm not sure if this draft ends the same, but do you make mention of that again at the end with the Clone Wife moving on?

Top of pg. 19  -  What happened to Alg's shield with eye-slits?  The machine's never gone to this magnitude before.  Have Alg. run from his protective shield to under the couch upstairs.  Might show that the machine's working now.

After Travis first sees Clone Al:  TRAVIS:  Who's a good dog?-- thing - dog?

Just a suggestion.

Stig holds Montana Tony’s take out bags, large gift wrapped item tucked under his arm.    -    should be 'a large gift tucked under an arm.'

Have I ever mentioned how much I loved the 'What?  He's only 8 hours old.  He can't hold it.' line?

The [Y]/[N]/YES to [A]LL confused me.  Shouldn't just [Y]/[N] suffice, or did I miss something?


Welp.  That's as far as I got yesterday.

Again, this draft is great.  The character's are popping, the beats are popping.  Everything seems to be going good and I'm excited to see Travis' and Clone Wife's interactions.

I'll be getting to the nightmare next.  I remember having some sour feelings about it in the previous draft.  I'll see how that's handled tomorrow morning.  I have to close tonight, so that'll probably be the next chance I get to read again.

Great job on the rewrite so far.  I'll talk to you in a bit.

- Mark


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Eoin
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rc1107

I kind of think the Ferris Buehler thing would be funnier if she figured it out in the car later on.  When she first comes home from work, she could ask him what he's wearing, then say they need to talk.  Travis hurriedly tells her of his achievement, so she lets it go.  Then, during an awkward silence in the car later, she looks at his clothes and blurts out "Jesus, Travis.  Ferris Buehler?  Really?"  I just think it would make a better delivery.  Then, Travis could answer 'What?  It's your favorite movie."  and Renee answers '20 years ago it was'.

- Mark


I agree, that's a good idea. I'd even add, that perhaps she has to ask who he id dressed as and Travis could do a goofy impression - then she gets it and delivers a cold reply
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1

Okay, picking back up on 33.  Is that a typo where it says "Algernon balks?"  I thought maybe you meant barks.


Hey Ryan, picking up on your supremely detailed review today.
It's been a whirlwind November, catching up from the wonky October.

As to the word, I thought it was a little more common than it actually is.
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/balk

I can see why you thought it might be a typo though.
I should probably swap that term out for something else.

Quoted from Ryan1

I know this a rom-com with a fantastical element to it, but I have to admit a certain logic problem jumps out at me.  Wouldn't clone wife take one look at Travis and see that he's nine years older?  Wouldn't that be a rather startling sight, considering she thinks it's nine years earlier and she simply was sleepwalking and woke up naked in the lab?  And the same logic can apply to her clothes in the closet.  Wouldn't she look around and think "am I losing my mind?  When did I buy any of this?"

The clothing beat happens a little later in the story actually.
But, I'm glad to hear you bring it up.

As to the aging thing for Clone Wife, I did think a lot on it, actually.
Which is part of the reason why I went with the nightmare sequence first.
When Travis wakes, he's sweaty, pale, stressed, and yes, older.
But she thinks he looks "horrible" because of the nightmare.
When the realizations dawns on Travis, his expression softens.
The love returns to his face, and she keys in on that.

You're right probably more than you know. Clone Wife is a big time fantasy.
In fact, it's a downright fairy tale at times, I wrote it that way intentionally.
Somewhere along the line, I was able to put it into these words:

Clone Wife is a fairy tale rom/com where the other woman isn't another woman.

Writing it with that philosophy in mind, I can see why you wrestle with parts of it.
You have always struck me as a pretty logical bloke in our meetings.
I'm not even close to that, quite the opposite.
Which is why I figure, if you're pretty okay with most of this, I'm doing well!

Quoted from Ryan1

You do address the technology factor when she looks at Swann's cell phone, but wouldn't Clone Wife notice how different all the cars look when she and Travis go out to buy ice cream?

There is a line there about why is Travis only playing oldies radio stations too.
Perhaps a line about a "car show being in town" would be cute?
The point being, Travis is too enthralled to be guided by logic.
It's a fine line and I'm doing my best to give each side it's due.

Quoted from Ryan1

p. 34 "Stig's just going to eat you up"  Seems like you need a reaction from Travis right here.  He's so happy over the success of the experiment and seeing Renee again, that the ramifications of what he's done hasn't hit him yet.  A look of "oh
sh!t" when she mentions Stig might work there.

That could work! I like how that looks in my mind's eye. Thanks!

Quoted from Ryan1

Typo on 36  SWANN "How long have you know him?"

Typo on 37  CLONE WIFE "Oh, I think it would be wonderful
to catch up with, Guy."  no comma needed after with.

Fixed and fixed! Much obliged.

Quoted from Ryan1

I'm wondering now if you should give Clone Wife an actual name.  Constantly reading "Clone Wife" just gets sort of cumbersome after awhile.  Maybe a nickname based off of Renee?  Like in Splice they called her "Dren."  

I have pondered this very premise.
But, I don't have the answer yet. Open to it, should inspiration strike!

Quoted from Ryan1

p 46.  Again, wouldn't Clone Wife find it very strange that Stig also looks nine years older?  Don't mean to harp on this point, but I can tell this is gonna be a problem for me.

This is why I have Stig freak out and get all pale when he realizes who "she" is.
Then Stig pukes in a bush. It's akin to Travis waking from the nightmare.
It's the "reason" in CW's mind that the two of them looked "bad".
Perhaps I can find a better line for her to exemplify this line of thinking.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 47.  I do like how Travis spilled his guts to Stig.  And Clone wife overhears it.  Good.  I'm glad you're not stretching this clueless clone wife too far.  But, I didn't buy her reaction when she hears Travis say that she's a clone.  

"Clone Wife looks hurt, then furious"

Just seemed like the wrong words there.  Shocked, astounded, disbelieving, crushed"  More along those lines.  I mean, she just learned she's a freakin' clone.  That would be a headspinner.

But now I like the fact that Clone Wife knows the truth, and seems to plotting some chicanery of her own.

p 53  "You mean fifteenth."  Just a little confused as to how much clone wife knows at this point.  She knows she's a clone, but hasn't figured out it's 2011?   It's just at this point, she's seen her parents who look ten years older and undoubtedly new cars and all sorts of "advanced technology."  She must have figured it out by now, right?

The pacing of the story seems to have really slowed since we got to the book store and onto the restaurant.

p 61 "25 years? They got it wrong."  Man, I'm starting to think clone wife's brain didn't quite gel correctly.  It really seems like she would have figured it out by now.

End on 62 for now.  So, you didn't take this in the direction I was expecting once clone wife learns she's a clone.  I thought she was furious and was going to plan on doing something to Travis either at the book signing or the restaurant.  But, she didn't do much during these last thirty pages.

Like I mentioned, these last pages felt kind of bogged down and those logic issues kept bothering me.  It just feels right now that the story isn't exploiting its solid premise to its full potential.

But, I'm hoping for some fireworks when Renee shows back up.

This is a major sticking point I'm going to have to repair.
Clone Wife only overhears Travis say this one line to Stig...

It just happened the one time, I didn’t mean to do it. I swear.
If Renee ever found out, it would break her heart.


Travis is actually talking about Renee learning about Clone Wife.
But, an eavesdropping Clone Wife hears that and thinks, "Affair."
You can see the logic there, I hope. And how the subsequent lines support it.

I can see how that not being clear is leading to some frustrations for you.
I'll have to fix that post hate! Thanks for the catch.

To be continued.
Then, I'll jump over to Conwall's review!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 4:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Eoin


I agree, that's a good idea. I'd even add, that perhaps she has to ask who he id dressed as and Travis could do a goofy impression - then she gets it and delivers a cold reply


Hey Eoin,

It's funny you should bring that up.
There is a version of that in the earlier draft.
Perhaps I can modify to good effect. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from rc1107


I love how Travis glares at Renee when he says 'a truly stable clone can be whatever it chooses to be.  It can change its destiny.'  That's an example of great foreshadowing.  But also, it's a line that might help us understand that Clone Wife will be fine at the end of the story.  Going her own way.  (Assuming that you haven't killed off Clone Wife in this draft, that is.)


Hey Mark!

I will address your review in full later.
But I had to touch on this one thing you mentioned.

You really nailed a juicy piece of subtext I laid out in that scene.
Travis's flaw of work before marriage setting up his eventual chance for salvation.
You caught me, red handed. Guilty as charged.

I wanted to try to layer that stuff in there, without being obvious.
It's one of those things they hopefully catch when someone revisits the material.

Stuff like that really enhances re-watching movies, IMO.

But when a respected colleague picks up on that...it really makes my day!

Thank you, Sir!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Ledbetter
Posted: December 3rd, 2011, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

What a story my friend. Great imagination here. I can tell you’ve given this a lot of thought with regards to the concept.

Overall, the story was very fast and enjoyable. Your characters were very well done and convincing.
Some highlights-

TRAVIS
Has anyone actually ever told Stig
that Tony Montana is Cuban?

That tickled me for some reason.

I have to ask, on page 12…What is WHUNK? I’ve never heard that word. Good word!!!

Up until page 12, it does seem a bit slow but still very enjoyable.

Page 14-
TRAVIS
I think it’s great that if I were
trapped down a well, you’d run home
and sit your furry ass by the fire
and lick yourself while I suffer.


Funny as Hell my man. LOL…

Fur + Saliva + DNA = clone dog. Travis grins.

The debate rages on as to whether or not plus should be spelled or +. I’ve been told that it should be spelled. No matter.

STIG
Do you eat your work?
TRAVIS
No, but I don’t make food.

Ha! Dry and funny. I love it.

Nightmare wife and Nightmare #2 got me a bit confused. Why not name them?

I also wished you had named the clone wife.

TRAVIS
This is it. This is my chance. All
the same experiences in a new body
of possibilities. I’ve created a
get-out-of-divorce free card. This
is my flour!

GREAT LINE! I loved this.

ASTRID (V.O.)
Now don’t forget, Guy is
ostraconophobic.
He snaps out of it.
STIG
What?
ASTRID (V.O.)
Guy is afraid of shellfish.

Afraid of Shellfish? YEAH!

Okay at this point, it has picked up beautifully. The story is coming along nicely.


Clone Wife and Renee look at each other. They scream.
CLONE WIFE & RENEE
Fuck me.

I felt like this should have gone further right at that point. It just felt like it was ended.

RENEE
Old? Give me back my wedding ring,
clone slut!

Clone slut…Great line there.

Big gripe here-
Clone wife. I know I mentioned it already but that sure is a MAJOR hic-up for me when I’m reading. Maybe a mixture of the words together to let me know she is the clone and also giving her a name.

WADE
I so called the feds on your ass.
But you’d be surprised how little
credibility being the son of a
comic book tycoon gets you.

There is a real smart-assness about that line I like a lot. Kinda like, I don’t get ne respect..

This was great Brett. I mean it has really good bone to it. The story come full circle and ends on an upbeat tone.

All in all, this is one of the best scripts I’ve read here. I actually caught myself “seeing” this on screen as I was reading it. That is always a good thing.

Have you gotten nibbles on this?

Anyway, thanks for the enjoyable story my friend. There was alot of love on the page.

Well done!

Shawn…..><





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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 5th, 2011, 1:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1

And finished.  Okay, I see my assumption was wrong that clone wife learned she was a clone before.  So, what exactly was she so hurt and furious about on p. 47?  Because, those feeling were never shown at any time during the rest of the evening.

Hey Ryan,

I quoted that passage in the last reply about what CW overheard.
What she hears makes her think that Travis is cheating on her.
I'll be more explicit about that the next draft. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 65.  You tell us Travis and Clone Wife are sleeping in the bed.  Seems like a missing scene here.  He's got the younger, hotter Renee.  They're going to bed for the first time since he cloned her.  Is Travis gonna bang her or not?  Does he have some last minute crisis of conscience over whether he should or not?  After that romantic night, they just sort of took a snooze.  I thought this was the moment Travis was waiting for.

I've thought about this, a lot actually. There's a caveat I discovered.
If Travis does that, he is technically "cheating" on Renee.
And I didn't see the benefits of going there in this tale.
I only saw the cons of heading down that road.
I actually got asked a lot by producers about that very thing.
All were relieved to hear the baby comes from the cloning somehow.
I feel it's the only way to preserve the rom/com vibe.
Besides, it's extra slimy IMO to do it, cuz Travis knows he's got just one night with her.
I'd be like sliding in the back door before you have to come clean tomorrow.
I don't think the rom.com vibe can withstand that blow.
Though I'm open to alternatives, if you've got one handy.

Quoted from Ryan1

Didn't get the meaning of Travis' line on 68:  "If I wasn't a scientist, would you
still have married me?"  Why does this make Renee tear up and want to puke?

Perhaps there's a part of Renee that believes she did marry him for that.
The idea of being attached to a successful man has its allure.
The puking is the "proximity effect" of the women syncing up a bit.

Quoted from Ryan1

p 70 "jaw spar"  never heard that one.

Here's a good example of that particular canine behavior.
http://www.artflakes.com/en/pr.....canis-lupus-jaw-spar
It's ritualized dominance behavior. A term typically used in the wolf community.

Quoted from Ryan1

Wasn't sure exactly why Officer Pitt was issuing another citation on 72.

The first citation is for the joyride noise.
The second one is for disturbing the peace with the lab and wife chaos.

Quoted from Ryan1

Very interesting twist when Renee realizes that she was pregnant at the time the hairs were taken.  But...would this automatically mean the clone is pregnant?  Hmm, I'm not sure of the science there, but since it's a comedy I think we can let it go.  However, I think at the very least you should have Clone Wife take a pregnancy test to verify.  This isn't just something you would assume, considering the rather bizarre situation.

I've toyed with the idea of having a test "beat". I have the room for it. Thanks.
But, you are right...pregnancy via cloning is not possible with our current technology.
It's the one piece of absolute pure movie magic I stuck in the script.  

Quoted from Ryan1

p 74  think you might have a typo at the top where you have Renee say "What?"  Seems like that line was meant for Travis.

D'oh! That line belongs to Travis. Good catch, thanks. Fixed.

Quoted from Ryan1

With Wade, I felt like he didn't do much at all in this story.  I had high hopes for him at the beginning, as he was obviously crushing on Renee.  I thought you might make him a nutty, horndog Quagmire character.  But, on the rare occasions he does show up, he's more of a sounding board for Travis to vent on.

Wade had more of a Quagmire vibe in the earlier draft.
But, it was getting in the way of the actual story, according to many reviewers.
So, I chopped out at least five pages of Wade in this draft, probably more.

Quoted from Ryan1

Gotta say, all the people in the Old Biddies shop seem unbelievably unimpressed that there is a genuine human clone standing among them.  I mean, there's just no reaction from them at all.  They give Clone Wife an apron and put her to work.  It just stretches credibility beyond the breaking point, IMO.

Well, it's more a matter of not going to that well again and again.
We already have that beat with Travis, Stig and Renee.
Cutting to post explanation with everyone else is best.
Anything more would be a waste of space and stink of amateur hour.
Same with Guy later, I can only go to that well so many times.
Besides, I've found old folks are surprisingly accepting of the fantastic.
They've seen it all already anyways.   

Quoted from Ryan1

The script is really lagging in the tension department.  I was hoping once Renee and Clone Wife took off in the car, there might be some interesting Thelma and Louise type spin.

Neat idea, but that's a different movie, IMO.
I know rom/coms and family fun movies aren't your cup of tea, I respect that.
Maybe you'd like the Western I wrote. Only two kids and lots of people get shot.
An idea...perhaps they could party then go to their parents' house. Could be fun.
It would be a heck of an intro to the parents of the situation.

Quoted from Ryan1

So, I'm on page 84, I see there are only about 12 pages left in the story and we have a three page pictionary scene.  This is where the story should be boiling out of control, but everything has a very tepid feel to it.  

I felt showing them trying to act like a normal family was important.
Showing Renee's arc from happy to get CW away from Travis to...
Misanthropic about "sharing her family" with a new "sister".
I can probably get in there and trim more though.

Quoted from Ryan1

At the playground scene, Clone Wife has forgiven Travis?  Why?

CW accepts Travis's help in lending a hand in her finding herself.
It's stated plainly in the scene, she doesn't know who she is.
But Travis will help her as she discovers who she truly is.
Like he should have years ago, with Renee.
He's not absolved of anything, it's a chance to grow. Not a free pass. IMO.

Quoted from Ryan1

I wasn't sure what they were all doing in that motel room or what Travis would have a royalty check from.

Renee moved in there until her job situation was sorted. Now, she's off again.
Travis sold all the lab gear, Astrid states that in pretty plain language.

Quoted from Ryan1

But why exactly would Renee be Lamaze breathing on the race to the hospital?  

The bond between them intensifies in crisis.
The link Renee and CW share goes all the way back to the ice cream.
It's touched upon several times, but never explained.
You're the first to not pick up on that, that I know of. I'll keep an eye on it.

Quoted from Ryan1

Question about the baby:  why would anything be different about it this time?  It wasn't strong enough to survive the first birth, and it's DNA is exactly the same, why would it be born strong and healthy this time?

It's an undeniably cool scene with older Renee helping her younger self through the birth, though.

Didn't buy clone wife giving up her baby.  I just can't see a woman giving up her baby that easily, even if she is gving it up to herself.  I thought she loved Travis.  Why is she leaving?  And if she's leaving, doesn't she finally deserve a name?  Maybe use her middle name?
[/quote]
It's not CW's life, Ryan. Think about it.
Now that she's there, CW has a right to live her own life.
And she entrusts those that gave her life with the life she brought into the word.
She helped put Travis and Renee on their path.
Now, it's time for her to find her own road.

I addressed the name thing in a new ending I wrote on Friday.
Partly, due to your notes about that. So, thanks.
That draft will be posted here sooner than later.

Quoted from Ryan1

Again, this is all just IMO.  Some people might absolutely love it.  You're definitely a skilled wordsmith who can turn a phrase with ease.  

Good luck with it and if you have any additional questions about my notes, lemme know.

Ryan

I think things went astray with the misunderstanding about what CW overheard.
I'll fix that. This script is something you buy into, or you don't.
Not everyone will go along with the story's conceit. It's all good though.
Thanks for the detailed thoughts. They'll help in the next draft.

So, what's the latest on "Will to Live"?
New drafts to post are you playing coy since you're going the contest route?

Regards,
E.D.


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Ryan1
Posted: December 5th, 2011, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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Brett,

I think my confusion with that Lamaze scene probably stems from the fact that I spread the reading of this script out over about a week or so.  I guess I had forgotten about the ice cream match cut by then.  That being said, I think you could use this "Corsican twin" thing for a few more laughs and reinforce the idea by including it in a couple different scenes.

With the Thelma and Louise notion, I didn't really expect it to turn into a road movie suddenly, it just felt like there was some bonding scene missing there when they both take off in the car.  They go from "cat fight for the ages" to best buds mighty quick.

Now, old folks may be surprisingly accepting of the fantastic, but I think a human clone would amaze even the most jaded geezer.  It's also a missed opportunity for some humor, I think.   You could have these people just stare at the clone, then back at Renee.  Maybe poke the clone to make sure she's real.  Maybe even ask if they could get clones of their younger selves, as in fifty years younger.

The royalty check scene confused me for a couple reasons.  Maybe it was the actual word "royalty."  That makes it sound more like Travis sold an idea or concept to some huge corporation and was raking in the dough from that.  And that, actually, would make a lot of sense.  Instead of teaching some college class, he could cut a deal to become head of some research lab and use his own cloning techniques to break new ground in that field.  I know Astrid plainly said he sold every last computer chip, but what about the lab explosion?  I thought that destroyed basically everything because you do say in a line that Travis and Stig walk through the "wreckage" of the lab.  So, I'm still not sure what Travis has sold to get this check.

I do understand what you were going for with the ending with clone wife going off on her own, it's just that scene where she handed over the baby somehow felt devoid of emotion for me.  They share a look and then "Renee realizes something."  Just felt like you needed more there for such a pivotal scene.

With Will to Live, yeah, I'm just gonna wait and see how it fares in this Kairos contest.  I'm not really looking to rewrite that one at this point, just looking for a new project to start.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
Brett,
That being said, I think you could use this "Corsican twin" thing for a few more laughs and reinforce the idea by including it in a couple different scenes.

Hey Ryan,

I was primarily using it as a plot device in a few places.
But that's a good idea to use it to insert some giggles.

Quoted from Ryan1

With the Thelma and Louise notion, I didn't really expect it to turn into a road movie suddenly, it just felt like there was some bonding scene missing there when they both take off in the car.  They go from "cat fight for the ages" to best buds mighty quick.

Valid point. I can see a beat in the car after they leave Travis.
Something about figuring out where they are going.
They "synced up" before they had a plan kinda vibe, I like it. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1

Now, old folks may be surprisingly accepting of the fantastic, but I think a human clone would amaze even the most jaded geezer.  It's also a missed opportunity for some humor, I think.   You could have these people just stare at the clone, then back at Renee.  Maybe poke the clone to make sure she's real.  Maybe even ask if they could get clones of their younger selves, as in fifty years younger.

That could be a great beat in the book shop while they're stocking shelves.
I'll buy that for a dollar!

Quoted from Ryan1

The royalty check scene confused me for a couple reasons.  Maybe it was the actual word "royalty."  That makes it sound more like Travis sold an idea or concept to some huge corporation and was raking in the dough from that.  And that, actually, would make a lot of sense.  Instead of teaching some college class, he could cut a deal to become head of some research lab and use his own cloning techniques to break new ground in that field.  I know Astrid plainly said he sold every last computer chip, but what about the lab explosion?  I thought that destroyed basically everything because you do say in a line that Travis and Stig walk through the "wreckage" of the lab.  So, I'm still not sure what Travis has sold to get this check.

This is some well thought out ideas, but I have him teach for a reason.
I want Travis to be more "available" for the baby. So, no more research.
He's a family man now, but I see where you're coming from.
I can clean up Astrid's explanation and minimize the wreckage.
Indicate somehow the supercomputers are salvageable, but the chamber is not.

Quoted from Ryan1

I do understand what you were going for with the ending with clone wife going off on her own, it's just that scene where she handed over the baby somehow felt devoid of emotion for me.  They share a look and then "Renee realizes something."  Just felt like you needed more there for such a pivotal scene.

And to this very specific point, I reworked the ending last week.
I added dialogue between CW and Renee at the end to clarify things.
There's also a beat with the repaired robotic arms return.
And an ending extension beyond CW driving down the road.
I road tested it with a couple folks with positive reviews, so far.
I'll get it up here after a few more tweaks, time for a new draft update.

Much gratitude for the well stated and thought out comments!

Regards,
Brett


LATEST NEWS

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A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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***STATUS UPDATE***

A feature producer I pitched at Sherwood Oaks read the script and contacted me.
She gushed to me about Clone Wife. Loved the script.
Said it was a "great message movie for women starting over".
I honestly had never thought if it that way, but I didn't tell her that.

She reps Chinese investors that fund international film projects like, "Wu Xia".
Which I think is being called "Swordsman" in the worldwide market.



She pitched her investors, but they didn't go for it.
Clone Wife is too American to appeal to her clients. I get it, it's all good.
If it was up to her, she would've bought the script. That's nice to hear.

I told her I wrote a western with one of Wu Xia's stars in mind. She perked at that.
Then laid my pretty vast knowledge of Hong Kong movie trivia on her.
She got excited again, and is now going back to her investors with a new proposal.

The idea being, to get me a writing assignment for a Chinese film production.
You never know who you're going to meet in this whacky town.  

So, one of those "close calls" with Clone Wife could work out in another way.
I'm not discouraged about my script being passed, at least it's raising a few eyebrows.
Much like the enthusiastic pass I got on Zombie Playground not too long ago.

Fingers, toes and eye crossed.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Good news, brett. Congrats. Hope everything goes well. How's Zombie Playground going?
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Ryan1
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Very nice.  That's some quick thinking there to pitch a Chinese Western on the fly.  Good luck.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Sounds like just a matter of time now bud.

A lesson to us all.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 8th, 2011, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
Very nice.  That's some quick thinking there to pitch a Chinese Western on the fly.  Good luck.


Thanks to all you kind well wishers.
I'll do my best to represent....

Ryan,

Oh, I did a whole lot more than pitch air on the fly.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-western/m-1287179995/s-0/

Red Sun was the first "test drive" feature script I ever wrote.
The samurai part was always played by Takeshi Kaneshiro in my mind.
And he's the lead of Wu Xia, along with Donnie Yen.

I tracked down the rights holder, should this ever get some industry heat.

Having a brain like a movie rolodex pays off sometimes!
Connect the dots...then get a job!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Hugh Hoyland
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer


Thanks to all you kind well wishers.
I'll do my best to represent....

Ryan,

Oh, I did a whole lot more than pitch air on the fly.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-western/m-1287179995/s-0/

Red Sun was the first "test drive" feature script I ever wrote.
The samurai part was always played by Takeshi Kaneshiro in my mind.
And he's the lead of Wu Xia, along with Donnie Yen.

I tracked down the rights holder, should this ever get some industry heat.

Having a brain like a movie rolodex pays off sometimes!
Connect the dots...then get a job!

Regards,
E.D.


Hey Fantastic Job!

Your efforts will pay off soon it seems. Keep up the excelent work and never give up.

Harley


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CoopBazinga
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This was a really interesting concept and written superbly. I loved the poster and the title also works for me.  I won’t go into any issues about the formatting because to be honest, I couldn’t fault much and I’m sure previous posters have already stated what there was.

I read a different draft of this as a guest a few months ago and think you have changed this for the better. The opening reads a lot smoother and there were some scenes that were cut that help the story run better.

Montana Tony’s, as a big fan of the film I loved this and every joke, reference to it. I thought there was some great chemistry between Travis and Algernon which sounds strange as it is a man and his dog but I liked that.

The scene with Guy and the prawns was funny but overall I felt Guy could have more to do. I understand their rivalry has been stated in the past, but it would be nice to see him trying to get back with Renee after she, or should I say they left Travis, just a thought.

I wasn’t sure about the Swann character, didn’t seem to have much to do and I thought he wasn’t relevant but maybe I missed something.

The last quarter of the story seemed to go into more drama territory which is fine but if this is meant to be a rom/com, then for me it needs to finish on a funnier or happier note.

Overall I really enjoyed this, it’s a fantastic read and for someone like me, it’s also a great tutorial lesson which will help me on future projects so thank you for posting this.

Good luck with it.

Steve

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 14th, 2011, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from conwall
“HONEY, I CLONED THE WIFE”


Really liking it so far.

Awesome title.  This is a title bound to turn on Hollywood pros.  Two words, two syllables even!  The whole plot is evident immediately.  This is the definition of “high-concept” and it’s worth its weight in gold.
  
Hey Con!

Thanks for taking a look at this.
It's been a whacky past couple of months.
My apologies for the belated reply.

I'm a little unsure which draft of this you've read.
The latest upload was a half an hour before you posted your critique.
So, I'm assuming this is the version prior to the fresh draft uploaded on 11/3.
And there were a ton of changes in that.

I felt the same way about the concept when it started to form in my brain.
Took over a year just to nail down the idea and tweak it into shape.
Watched a lot of "related" movies, such as "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids."

I've gotten a lot of excited reactions when I pitch industry folks.
In time, perhaps one of them will put their money where their mouth is.

Quoted from conwall

Page 11, We should see him writing on the back of the photo, but not what he writes.  Let that mellow for awhile.  We don’t find out what it says until SHE reads it.

I could see that working, but it might frustrate the reader it's left out until the end.
I always felt Travis's earnest attempt and rejection was more poignant.
But the surprise reveal could have a good impact too.

Quoted from conwall

Page 12:  Still like it a lot.  Starting to think of ways to shorten it.  Why does she want to break up with him in front of her whole family?  I mean, some of the family stuff is really funny.  “Let’s drink wine so we don’t have to talk so much.”  That’s funny.  But seriously, what would make a woman do that?  Fear?  He doesn’t seem like the threatening type.  

Every time she tries to bring it up, Travis overruns her.
There's a couple examples before the break up scene.
And I'm sure on the next pass, it will get tightened up.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 12:  Extension cord, lol.

I don't know why that popped into my head one day, but it did and I wrote it down.
An extension cord belt for a bathrobe kinda says it all, doesn't it?
I wanted to find a humorous way to show Travis wallowing.
Glad it resonated with you.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 14.  Is Algernon a cat?  Earlier you said he nudged somebody.  Cats nudge.  Dogs leap on.  Dogs don’t cough up hair balls either.  They lick their butts, of course.  But hey, who wouldn’t?

This makes me think you got the old draft.
Most of this got excised out of the fresh rewrite.
There's been WHOLESALE changes throughout on the current draft online.
And even that should change again any day, I uploaded new tweaks last week.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 18, When he’s alone he should just be talking to the dog instead of v.o. or typing.

I developed the robotic arms to serve as a "sounding board" for Travis.
In the latest draft, I take that even further.
I think it enhances the fairy tale qualities of the story.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 19, The hollywood cliché is to have a long exterior shot showing weird lights emanating from inside the house.

Yeah, kinda have to go there, don't I.
It's a big visual cue, could help a reader see the story better. Thanks.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 21, I’m having a hard time understanding why Stig is being so nice to his soon to be former brother in law.  These people usually just forget they knew each other.

At the end of the break up scene, Travis says something to Stig...
Whatever you do don't take down that Tony Montana art, it's great.
Even though earlier, Travis was making fun of Stig's individuality in the car.
But Travis has some clarity right after Renee dumps him.
And he realizes that individuality is all you have left after you're dumped.
I felt that line and Stig smiling indicated a connection.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 28.  Completely out of character that the guy would leave the experiment while it is going on so he could go upstairs and have his little dream sequence.  If you feel like you need to keep it he should at least be sleeping at the console.

He didn't intentionally start the cloning of his wife's hair.
He was looking at her DNA under the electron microscope.
Typed in the wrong commend before calling it a night, etc.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 32.  Sequencing remark is too on the nose.

To that end, I want to rework where it talks to the robotic arms.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 36.  Interest flagging a little again.  Where is the conflict?  She came out perfect?  Honestly dude, I think the guy would be trying to just bang her.  Personally, a nine-year younger version of my wife would be much the turn on.  

There is that, but the shock overrides that.
Could be a good recurring joke, they keep getting interrupted when they "rev up".

I did make Clone Wife come out blank slate-ish bouncy to start.
She begins almost like a kid in a new world, everything's exciting.
Perhaps I could work a little more of that into the scene.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 41.  Spine tingling on top of page 41.  Wow.  What a twist.  Just the right amount of clue.  Not overdone.  Could be close there.  Nice job.

Glad you like that. Ryan called it the Corsican vibe.
Any classic tropes like that I can incorporate into a story helps focus things.
Also it makes it way easier for me to pitch executives.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 46.  I can think of a lot funnier stuff Stig could be saying here.  He seems almost non-plussed which sort of hurts the script.  Can’t we raise the stakes as he threatens to go to the cops, or the FBI, or whatever?  Maybe he reacts to her like she’s a ghoulish monster, but she just thinks she has bad breath or something like that.

I could do with a bit of that, in general, I wanted to stay away from explanations.
But I could have Stig veer back into overreaction for a beat or two.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 52.  A regular mom would probably think that Travis had drugged her, or threatened her, or something like that.  She’d be extremely suspicious.

That sounds like something Astrid would say.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 56 is a good example of idiotic self help speak.  Reminds me of ‘Up in the Air’ with George Clooney.  The movie was so so, but the script was amazing.

I like how its all about how easily personalized that rhetoric is.
But on its own merit, it really is nothing of substance.
Which I felt was appropriate for the old flame's back story.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 57.  There is no scrod, lol.  I bet only about 1 in 20 people get that.

But those that do are unlikely to forget it.
I admit, it's a bit of a selfish joke.
And if this were ever to be filmed, delivery would make or break it.
But, I'm a sucker for word play classic comedy, so there it is on the page.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 59.  Unfortunately, you kind of step on the prawn visual joke because we already saw the prawns in the kitchen earlier.  

I thought the set up would build anticipation.
I didn't want it to be a left field surprise.
Perhaps it doesn't quite have the desired effect.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 60.  Nitpicky, I’m sure, but most of these reunions are in hotels and stuff, not really in the school gym anymore.

True. But, I am playing the nostalgia card here with our couple.
Travis is metaphorically regressing through his life with Renee.
So, a high school auditorium felt much more appropriate.
A "Peggy Sue Got Married" vibe, if you will.
And yes, that film played an influence in this script.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 65.  Doesn’t she still have a key?

Travis is leaning against the door, so she knocks.
I can make that clearer.

Quoted from conwall

The scum bag comment seems a little out of character for Clone Wife.  She seems pretty easy going so far.  Wouldn’t she just be assuming there is a reasonable explanation for all of this?

Point taken. I should rework that bit. Thanks.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 71.  I’m feeling like I’m missing out on the French Farce thing.  I’m wishing there was a sequence that shows the two of them to Mom and Dad and Stig, and Guy or something where nobody realizes there are actually two of them.  Did you already think of this and dismiss it as too cliché?

I did have a scene like that in earlier drafts.
But I felt it really delayed the story for the sake of some comedy beats.
And got that note back as well from some readers.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 79.  Funny here if somebody was trying to explain to the old biddies the difference between clones and zombies.  Because the old ladies don’t calm down around her until they get this bit sorted out.

I seem to need a beat there, you're not the only one that brought this up.
Thinking the Biddies catch themselves staring at her, etc. Something.

Quoted from conwall

Pg 82.  Still find myself wishing for more of a ticking clock motif here.  Why isn’t anybody (Guy?  Wade?) calling the cops to turn up the heat on the guy.  

There's a beat where Wade mentions the cops didn't believe him.
I didn't want to spend much time on it this late in the game.
The bigger ticking clocks are Stig giving Travis one day with CW and the baby.

Quoted from conwall

In summation.  I really liked this script a lot.  Zils better than 95% of the dreck on this site.  Strong, fun, easy to understand premise.

Thoughtfully executed.  Several very funny (lol) moments plus a bunch of light laughs too.  

Spot on formatting, with just an extremely few changes I’d make.  

I'm glad you enjoyed the script.
Took a year and half of marinating and massaging to get it where it is.
And I still have new ideas for this project every week.

There's a new draft to be uploaded soon.
It has some tweaks throughout, but mostly towards the end.
Poor CW didn't get the ending she deserved in this draft.
So, I changed that with the help of some recommendation by other members.
It feels a lot more satisfying to me, I'd like to get your thoughts on it.
Thanks a ton for the super detailed read and thoughtful comments.

You've been a big help.
Happy to return the gesture and give you some coverage anytime.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 16th, 2011, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Hey Brett,

A better read. Up too pg. 17. However, there's a problem. How does Travis get the missing element towards making his experiments work? I must've missed that. Or maybe make it a bit clearer. I know the dog has to do with it but I guess I don't get it.  

Gabe


Hey Gabe,

Thanks again for all your efforts, it's been a big help with my work.
I"m glad you found this read easier to get through. I worked hard on it.
I did put a beat in there about the TinkerToy conking Travis in the head.
Perhaps it should be a bit of a bigger beat again.
It used to be the whole Molecuzilla revelation scene. I can massage that.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from leitskev

I haven't had time yet to get past the first quarter of the new draft, but like I said, HUGE improvement. Nothing as far as the read was a stumbling block this time. Most things seemed well conveyed.

This concept is very similar to a time travel movie, in that there are inevitably logic problems. But that hasn't stopped time travel movies from being successful.


Kev,

Super astute observation and you are absolutely correct.
Clone Wife is a somewhat reverse engineered time travel tale.

But this time, instead of traveling back to the past.
The past comes to our hero in the form of our Clone Wife.

That and the fairy tale elements really drew me to the material.
I didn't have to create a time travel machine to get that effect.
It was a bonus of what I chose to do with the cloning machine.

And yes, I did read about your ending thoughts you posted after this.
There's a new draft waiting to be posted that addresses some of those thoughts.
It should be on the thread soon, I'll get into more detail on that later.

Regards,
E.D.

To be continued...
Eoin's awesomely mammoth review up next!


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 20th, 2011, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Eoin

This draft zips along like an old Singer sewing machine. Talk about chalk and cheese compared to your previous draft. This one flows.

Hey Eoin!

Thanks again for taking a second look at this.
You're a glutton for punishment and it's greatly appreciated!
I'm relieved to hear you say that. I was terrified I'd lost my edge.
Coupled with some medical worries, that last draft was a nightmare for me.
For a little while, I thought Red Sun and Zombie Playground were flukes.
October was a tough month filled with insecurities.
But this draft came out of that, so it was all worth it in the end.

Quoted from Eoin

Up to Page 30. Interesting to see how this will play out. Not so sure about the nighmare sequence, it doesn't advance the story, it seems like an unecessary inclusion. After Travis wakes up from his nightmare, i find it hard to believe he doesn't notice Renee is 10 years younger.

I used the nightmare sequence to facilitate Travis's suspension of disbelief.
He's in a sweat and panic when he wakes up from the nightmare.
And BAM! There's Clone Wife, the adjustment takes a couple moments.
But when it kicks in, Travis is simply so relived to see her as being real.
She "looks amazing" partially because she's also younger.
Travis figures that out pretty quickly.
I wanted to create circumstances that would make that passable.
I think given Travis's heightened state when he sees her, it works.
He has more pressing things on his mind other than she looks super hawt.
Besides, I think folks overestimate the differences between 30 and 40 a bit.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 31 - Travis hasn't clicked that Renee is a clone when she tells him she woke up naked in the lab, it takes the married a year comment. All this begs the real question, why we don't see her emerge from the chamber in the lab, the big reveal. It is called Clone Wife, the audience will feel cheated they don't see her cloned.

I could see that working, show the computer acting somewhat on its own.
Perhaps I could integrate it into Travis's nightmare somehow.
Could lead to some sexy intercuts for the director/editor.

Quoted from Eoin

Why doesn't Clone Wife also know that Travis is 10 years older?

He "looks like cr*p" in her mind due to waking up from a terrible nightmare.
But when the love and hope return to him, he looks "young again" to her.
It's like a spell being cast and they both see the light in each other.
Logic is cast aside by our despondent Travis in the face of hope.
That's what I'm going for, perhaps I can be more explicit about in the descriptions.

Quoted from Eoin

This is an interesting take on the clone idea. The clone wife is actually a replicant, identical in every way to Renee, but nine years younger. A clone on the other hand is a genetic copy like a twin and is an individual in their own right. I'm willing to suspend belief on this idea.

That's the idea, peppered with a bit of the Corsican twins dynamic for good measure.
Essentially, this script is a fairy tale rom/com with some twists.
One being, the other woman isn't another woman.
I felt if I structured the fantasy parts with relatable lore, folks would be into it.

Quoted from Eoin

Up to page 41. The set  up with Renee in Tokyo gives Travis some convienent  freedom. I think the premise might be more interesting, create more situational comedy and tension, if he had to juggle between Renee and Clone Wife in the same house.

That's one way to go, but not the story that got me excited to write the script.
What you're describing has a lot of situational slapstick appeal.
And I do briefly "go there" with Renee's unexpected return.
But to play that out over with Renee living in the house doesn't work for me.
Because in my mind, that makes Travis a cheater.
I don't want my hero to flat out consciously cheat on his wife.
While it may be true Renee's departure appears convenient, there's other reasons too.
Travis needs to learn how to take responsibility for his actions.
And he can't juggle much of anything until he embraces that concept.
To that end, Travis's learning arc needs to start with him, not her.
It has to be about him, and not how he relates to others.
That's why I chose to send Renee away.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 47. I don't see why Renee suddenly changes her mind, what's the motivation?

The Corsican effect has been sharing experiences between CW and Renee.
Renee feels Clone Wife's hope and passion for the "future" of thier marriage.
That's a powerful aphrodisiac for a disenchanted wife bereft of  hope.
Perhaps I can play that up a little more in the script.

Quoted from Eoin

The conversation bewteen Astrid, Guy, Travis and Clone Wife needs to be sharper and more focused. I want to see Travis squirm. At this point the dynamic isn't clear. Does Clone Wife know or not? Maybe the audience should know if she does.

You're the second to bring up that ambiguity, so it must need some attention.
I should be clearer about what Clone Wife does and doesn't know.
I'll go in there and route out the vagueness and tighten it up. Thanks.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 68. Travis tells Renee that he thought they could start over (referring to Clone wife), but that's not what we are shown - we see him clearly having a great time with Clone Wife - the moment of realisation where Travis figures out that he must make amends with Renee is not clear, nor is the reason for this epiphany.

It's not an epiphany at all. It's a false revelation.
Travis speaks to Renee about Clone Wife, as if they're one and the same.
That's an integral part of his flaw he must overcome.
This is not a do-over, this is life in all its unexpected glory.
Travis hasn't embraced that yet, hence the false epiphany.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 72. Why are the wives fighting each other and not directing their anger at Travis and why aren't they more shocked at the situation, they seem to be far too accepting.

The ring is about identity and comfort of familiar, albeit damaged, situations.
For Clone Wife, the ring is a declaration of her choice to marry Travis.
For Renee, it represents what she liked about her life and wants back.
Neither one of them is prepared to let go of what is an important identifier yet.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 74. Clone Wife is pregnant. But the conflict between Travis and Renee still hasn't been addressed by way of a confrontation, instead Clone Wife and Renee are pals all of a sudden in the master bedroom.

Travis still hasn't learned his lessons, he's ill equipped at this time to solve things.
The women have synched up over their mutual goal of leaving Travis.
It's a twist of "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" concept.
I've seen rival women join forces to stick it in and break it off in a guy before.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 75. Confusion here over who is driving?

Renee puts the key in the ignition.
RENEE
Hit it.
Clone Wife starts the car, burns rubber and drives away.

It's not a typo. They're taking their syncing to a ridiculous extreme in the moment.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 84. I'm feeling cheated at this stage. The premise of the film still hasn't come to the fore, but simmers somewhere under the surface. The whole deal with Guy is too neat, Travis hasn't had to confront his problems and . . . change, he has to change.

I would say that making amends with your wife's old flame is a good step.
He was wrong, he admits his mistake and helps Guy work through his own fears a bit.
I don't see a drawn out heart to heart here being the way to go.
Guy can't help Travis directly change. He's not the right guy for that. That's Stig.
And Stig does help Travis make another change shortly thereafter.
But owning up to his petty jealousies with Guy is a solid baby step.

Quoted from Eoin

Page 90. I don't see why Astrid now champions Travis, what's the motivation, he sold his research equipment, what about the way the has treated Renee and Clone Wife? Travis has twice proved himself selfish and uncaring.

Travis has dedicated himself to seeing the pregnancy through with Clone Wife.
He's sworn off the invention and taken responsibility for his creation.
Travis changed himself to fix the wrongs he's caused.

Astrid doesn't champion Travis, she does champion facing your mistakes.
And she thinks it's a grave mistake for her daughter to walk away.
There's a unique opportunity before her to literally confront her past.
As a mother, it's her calling to help her daughter grow.
Astrid doesn't say get back with Travis. She says, stay for the birth.

Quoted from Eoin

The end just doesn't work for me. We never find out why Renee lost the baby and if it caused a major rift in the marriage (which should have been highlighted earlier) Why has Clone Wife given up the baby?? She's now driving off into the sunset What happened with Guy.

The baby rift is addressed in the story that Travis tells Algernon.
And the concept is brought into the third act with the defunct nursery being unlocked.

Is it really giving up your baby when you're entrusting the child to "yourself"?
Now that you know that other you has overcome their fears and moved forward.
Not to mention the Corsican effect the ladies share.

But, there is a new draft I'm hoping gets posted to the thread soon.
It does address some dialogue ambiguity in the final scenes.
And it extends the ending to give Clone Wife the reward she deserves.

Thanks for the detailed read and insights.
They'll come in handy during the next swing I take at this script in 2012.

Regards,
E.D.


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dogglebe
Posted: December 20th, 2011, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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Having just read this, I am at a bit of a loss for words.  While I liked the story (great premise, btw), I wasn't sure if this should be labelled a comedy or a light drama.  It was kind of middle-of-the-road in regards to the genre.

The was a little scattershot for me and should've been better focused.  Mister Swan was a completely unnecessary character.  Guy wasn't really needed, either.  Either do more with these characters or just get rid of them.  Concentrate more on Travis and Renee.

Travis' character needs a lot more development.  He was the cliche scientist that I've seen in numerous other movies (Doc Brown in Back To The Future, Professor Brody in Cats and Dogs, etc.) who gets so involved in his work that he doesn't realize that his life is crumbling around him.  I started disliking his character in the first few pages.  He was a clueless nerd without any redeeming qualities.  By page ten, I wanted to give this script a swirlie.

Renee was a cold bitch and we don't find out why until later on.  I can deal with that, but she also could've been better developed.  I wondered what her job was and how she'd get a promotion/transfer to Japan.  I didn't see any indication what her job was, except that she works in an office.

Travis got over the fact that he owns a cloned Renee very quickly.  So did Renee's family; they just let her in the family so easily.

You could've done more with the cloned Renee.  So much can be done with her walking around the house and experimenting with the newer technology.  Imagine she finds the television remote and is unaware that Travis has a big screen television with surround sound.  She hits the power button and a locomotive roars up to her on the high-def television.  She screams!  Trying to turn on some music would be a challenge for her; she'd wonder where the hell all the CDs are.  I think the bulk of the story should be this, not Renee's dysfunctional family.

IMHO, the story could be much tighter.


Phil

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
leitskev  -  December 20th, 2011, 8:57pm
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from leitskev
Here I am, sitting here working on my own stuff, and I guess I had it somewhere in my head that I have to get back to Clone soon, to read the rewrite, because OUT OF NOWHERE popped into my head an idea for Clone. Something that solves one of the issues people seemed to complain about. Hear it out Brett, weigh it for a while, before you reject it out of hand. If nothing else keep it on file if people keep complaining about the ending.

The solution is so obvious I don't know why I didn't see it before. All he has to do is clone himself! The copy that goes to clone wife will have the same memory as Travis, at least from the moment his tissue was taken.

You can go a lot of different routes with that. For the most simple solution, clone husband could be in the car with clone wife at the end. But if you really wanted to play around with this, he could clone himself earlier(yes, I've seen the Simpsons episode). He could use his clone to try to keep clone wife and Renee from finding out about each other. For example, Renee unexpectedly comes home, and clone Travis tells her there was a fire at the house, or mold, and they have to stay with her parents.

Of course, if clone wife is not in on things, eventually she will go visit her parents and all hell will break loose.

Clone Travis could even have "an affair" with Renee, making Travis jealous, perhaps somewhat irrationally.

It does open some more creative doors.


Hey Kev,

Thanks for sharing the brainstorm.
I did think about these kind of things for a while in the treatment phase.
Which is why I always left younger Travis's hair in the photo album.
But I eventually shied away from the more "Multiplicity" style approach.

That being said, that more commercial comic story could be told.
But I had Clone Wife flush the hair to tell a more emotional tale.

I do agree that our Clone Wife does deserve a better ending.
And I did write an extension of the ending in a new draft.
It does touch on some of the sentiments you've expressed.
And I clarified some of the language between Clone Wife and Renee.
The goal being to subtly play up the Corsican effect they share.

Hope the new end pages work better.
Thanks again for your insights.

Regards,
E.D.



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Andrew
Posted: January 2nd, 2012, 1:18am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett,

Just an update to say I am now 36 pages in and retiring for the night, but not before I add my thoughts thus far.

You've got a marketable concept that could easily sell. One of the strengths is that it just feels like an '80s Weird Science, Back to the Future-type movie in spirit. My only worry is whether or not that will fly with today. For those who remember when those movies came out, it would be welcome nostalgia but will it fly with a younger audience? To circumvent that problem, I think you need to add more a concrete hook that will make this script more attractive to producers. If you think of how Anchorman set about crystallising that era but in a more contemporary setting - it nicely straddled an era piece and today. I think you can do something similar with this. Same with the Wedding Singer, they made a big thing of the era but didn't try to pull it off as a realistic portrayal of the '80s. The characters acted modern day but with Wham t-shirts. That's a cool quirk. I think it could serve you well.

I had a glance over comments to see if there were any references to Doc Brown and Multiplicity and there were. Whilst it's inevitable there will be parallels drawn, I do think it suggests you need to do more to differentiate the characters and concept. Not big things - but things that will change up common expectations. Phil referenced, for example, the generic nature of Travis, and I do agree. What is Guy and Travis were bosom buddies but something happened to send them on wildly different paths? It would change the dynamic of the geek versus the hunk.

Talking of Guy, he's got to be more of a presence - I'm thinking of Brad Cutter Ruined My Life Again. Everywhere the lead turned, there was Brad Cutter. I think that's what you're missing in this first third - any real threat. I think you need to bring Guy into play much earlier. Also, Brad Cutter is a very memorable name and funny. Even changing up these names would give you a lift. I also agree with Ryan about renaming Clone Wife and in turn using that as a title change.

I know it's comedy, but Travis is embarking on world changing science and up to this point, there's no moneyed or shadowy threat. In Back to the Future, we see Doc facing a threat early on. I think you could sacrifice the slightly repetitious try and fails with the experiment once Renee has left and replace it with more threat/more conflict that will raise the stakes for Travis. He needs another subplot to contend with other than Renee/family dislike/Guy - they are all pretty standard fare for conflicts and you'd benefit from freshening that up.

I loved Astrid and some of her jokes, though - particularly the one about the '80s. I couldn't help picturing the mother in Melancholia, which is a compliment. Also, I saw the suggestion about delaying the Bueller gag and couldn't agree more - that's a great suggestion I think you should wangle in there.

Overall, this is looking good and I'll get back to you when I've read the rest.


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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from James McClung

Long story short, your angle is a little more cartoony and enables a little more suspension of disbelief.

Hey James!

Thanks a ton for taking a second look, you glutton for punishment!

That's what I was trying for with the cloning tech and gear.
I figured there were things I could do to increase potential suspension of disbelief.
So, I went the more relatable fantasy route with the machine.
Likening it to a goo souffle and the gesturing robotic arms, etc.
That felt more conducive to a fairy tale romance fantasy environment.

Quoted from James McClung

Anyway, I had mixed feelings about this script, as I did Zombie Playground. I think I liked it better than Zombie Playground as ZP was way left field from its subject matter. Zombies have been taken way too far in the goofy/satirical route in recent times for my taste so reading more of that stuff is a little trying. This one's elements seemed to blend a little bit better and the genre and tonal idiosyncrasies were a little more charming than disjointed.

I never seem to make it easy on myself in this department.
Especially with my original stories. Always veering towards the quirky storytelling.
The assignment I'm on right now will be much more straightforward.
Then again, I feel Red Sun is a pretty straight shooting affair.
It will be a nice change of pace to get out of fantasy stuff for a little while.

Quoted from James McClung

I think developing the lost child subplot further would help develop Renee's character, whom I understood leaving Travis but not coming back to him.

I think another hint or two...maybe, but nothing more.
I stayed away from it mostly due to the heavy nature of the event.
That can easily devolve into melodrama if I'm not careful.
Which would be death for a fairy tale type story like Clone Wife, IMO.

Quoted from James McClung

Stig was one guy I didn't get. That is, I didn't understand why he was so chummy with Travis. Are they actually friends? What's the history here?

Right before Travis leaves the restaurant in the first act, there's a moment.
Travis could turn and yell and be petty and all that towards Renee.
But he doesn't, instead he compliments Stig's decor and walks out on his own terms.
There's a beat when Stig smiles and regards Travis in a new light.
I'll have to be clearer about that next time around. Thanks.

Quoted from James McClung

Guy was a problematic character. Astrid's affinity for him was ripe for some interesting conflict as she clearly wasn't fond of Travis so that worked. But he didn't really project himself as much of a villain, even with Clone Wife taking kind of a fancy to him. That actually kind of hurt the whole "Clone Wife is so much better than my real wife" angle. I mean, if Guy was hitting on her or something then it might've balanced out. Clone Wife's interest would be more responsive than inherent.

Guy has gone through major changes in recent drafts.
And I know it's not nailed down yet, but moving in the right trajectory IMO.
There are beats where Guy hits on Clone Wife in the book shop and dinner.
Perhaps I was too subtle and need to broaden it up a bit.

Not really sure what to do with the cat but I think you need to reconsider his character.

There's no awkward moments where Clone Wife reveals her offness. Everyone just seems to go along with her. Any moments of characters picking up on clone strangeness seemed to go to Algernon. Then at the end, when the cat's out of the bag, everyone seems to go along with the fact that there's two Renees.
[/quote]
I wanted to say away from repetitive reveals about Clone Wife.
But I can see room for more, especially at the book shop.
Where the Old Biddies play nice, but have their doubts when she's not looking, etc.
It needs a tonal polish for this type of stuff. Zeroing in.

Quoted from James McClung

Not only can you have outside characters on the verge of discovering Clone Wife's origins, you can have Clone Wife herself on the verge. I think that's equally dramatic, if not more.

I hadn't thought of that before, I like it!

Quoted from James McClung

But again, it's the ease with which she does this. I don't think she should fight to keep the baby or anything and I think she should be able to recognize that it's a precious gift that she should be able to give birth and make Renee and Travis's lives better when it's the one thing the real Renee can't do. Almost like being a surrogate mother... actually, no. That's pretty much exactly what it is.

So yeah. Dig it.

I have to address the abandonment thing head on.
Almost everyone says it, so I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
And here's what I got....

1) I need to show time passing, like the baby's several months old or something.

I think it will feel less like abandonment if I show the time passage.
Implying this is a decision she's been contemplating for a while.

2) Reinforce the "Corsican Connection" Clone Wife and Renee share.

That "bond" they share doesn't go away after the birth.
So, Clone Wife still shares feelings and experiences with Renee.
I need to find a way to interject that more into their last scene together.
And yes, Clone Wife is the unplanned surrogate mother, astute point.

Quoted from James McClung

Your writing continues to be distinctly Brett Martin which is harder to achieve than simply good or even great writing. Voice is important so be proud you've got one.

Hope this helps. Always a pleasure.

You know, someone resurrected the West Side Markets thread the other day.
And I saw that post on the thread where you said the same thing the first time.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1297471970/s-60/
But it's always great to hear, personal voice is something I strive for on the page.

Thanks for all the insights, happy to return the gesture anytime I can!

Regards,
E.D.


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Andrew
Posted: January 7th, 2012, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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So I finally got around to eating up the last two thirds of the script. Having completed it, the idea of changing the time this is set in feels even more suitable. As I mentioned before, this script feels ingrained in the '80s and you have created something of a modern day hyrbid of Weird Science, Multiplicity with sprinklings of many '80s films. To me at least. I don't think this flies being set in the current day. I think you'd be best to embrace that rather than ensconcing it in the current day.

One line that I really enjoyed was the father saying 'leave my girls alone' - very funny. But the transition between the outright rejection of Travis (upon discovery of Clone Wife) to the embracing of him was tenuous. It served - and completed - your arc but without giving us the reasons to believe it.

I do think you need to reconsider Guy's role as I said before. He's the genre cookie cutter that doesn't really add anything apart from a cursory 'threat' to Travis' ego and marriage. Because you introduce him (phsycially) so late into the story, you've negated the usefulness of him 'cos Renee is already out of town. Bring him in at the start and you'd get more from him. Swann and Wade seem like passengers in an overcrowded vehicle right now. I'd flat out get rid of Wade. What's his purpose? He's like the guy who turns up to a house party without beer. Swann's potentially a match for Clone Wife but you flirt with that idea before he just disappears.

That leads me to the biggest problem which is how you deploy Clone Wife. I agree with whoever said she needs a name. It's not even that it makes the read harder, it's that she doesn't really inhabit the script as an individual. She needs to. Also, she has to come in much earlier. By the time she comes in we're already on the way to completing the mystery of her 'arrival'. She doesn't really overcome any obstacles or face any problems.

The suggestions above are just point of views (probably preferences of what I'd like to see) but the one thing I found a real problem was the pregnancr and 'second chance'. It felt inorganic to the story and frankly a little weird to me. I didn't like it or think it added anything to the story.

This script, however, is proof that you've got real talent and are able to craft something with your own slant even though it lends quite heavily from such films as Weird Science, Multiplicity and the '80s in general. Nothing wrong with borrowing and then moulding it into something else with your own voice - it works wonders for QT, and he's one of my faves.


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dbailey
Posted: January 31st, 2012, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I gave this one a read.  The script reads  well, and is a great premise.  I agree with some of what has already been said, however.  I didn't really get a feeling of Travis and Renee being together in the first ten pages so I wasn't really invested in whether they got back together or not.  I get that you were trying to be sparse and keep the plot moving, but I felt I needed more of a connection to care about Rene.  After all, we should be rooting for them to get back together, right?

I also admit to not having gotten the fact that when Clone Wife listened in on Travis and Stig, she thought she was hearing a confession of infidelity.  But after your explanation and a reread, I see exactly where you were going with that.

Another poster also brought up another thing that I missed: I didn't get how Travis came to his (false) revelation?  He goes out, has a good time with his new wife, then because he gets caught by his original wife he decides that he didn't have such a good time after all?

That said, I think that even though this wasn't a laugh out loud funny script, there were some great lines in here:

TRAVIS
I’m really close to a big
breakthrough in my work, I don’t
have time for wisdom.

BACK OF PHOTO
[ ] Please check this box if you want to save our marriage.

ASTRID
There is no scrod.
57.
TRAVIS
I agree, scrod’s a myth.

STIG
I could say, no.
GUY
Are you saying, no?
STIG
No.

Obviously you don't need me to tell you that you're a good writer with a pretty good script on his hands, so I wish you luck!

:Duan
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Electric Dreamer
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Much thanks to all for the recent reads.

My apologies for not responding to comments sooner.
In truth, I've been turning a blind eye to this script in recent weeks.

It was a real slog to pull this one out of the muck of previous drafts.
And it's so different than what I'm working on right now, I needed to put it out of mind.

That being said, I will revisit the script this spring.
The two features I'm working right now are very commercial.
Everything I do is prefaced with, "getting past that industry reader" philosophy.

It's an eye opener looking back at my original features after that experience.

So Clone Wife will likely see more big narrative shifts in the next stage.
And all your comments help shape that next evolution of the tale.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Steex
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 5:22am Report to Moderator
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Saw your review on ScriptShadow.
Shit yeah, Brett!

Can't wait to see what comes of this.
Good luck, man!


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Steex
Saw your review on ScriptShadow.
Shit yeah, Brett!

Can't wait to see what comes of this.
Good luck, man!


Hey Steex,

Thanks for the kind words.
We'll see what happens from here.

As to the review...
I can take criticisms leveled at my work.
But saying that I fabricated the positive feedback to get the read stunk.
You can call my script junk. But...
I'd appreciate the personal slander being left out of it though.
Oh well.

For whatever reason, Carson chose NOT to link my script with the review.
So, I sent a note into Don with the new draft to update the script thread.

Thanks for the kind words.
You've all been great in putting up with me.
I'm very lucky to have been accepted here on Simply Scripts.

Think I'm going to crawl into a hole until next year.

Regards,
Brett


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett, I read Carson's feedback.  Sorry it didn't go as planned.

I'll tell you something I'm sure you already know, but it is true and may help if you take it to heart.

It's one opinion.  Carson isn't any different than alot of us.  People may think he is, but he's not.  He has an opinion just like everyone else does.

I didn't think he was slandering you in any way.  His comment  was simply that he didn't personally know the peeps who wrote in, recommending your script.  I wouldn't let that get you down.

I'm not a big Carson Reeves guy, but I did notice that he didn't really go into too many details on your script, yet still gave it a rather negative final grade.  My take is that he expected or hoped for more, based on the title, the logline, and the strong writing.

I haven't read this last draft, so I can't comment, but I did have to agree with a few of the things he said that I remembered from way back.

Hey, you know what they say, brother - every time a door closes, another one opens up.

All you can do is soldier on and keep the faith, never say die, and continue to move forward.

I know this really sucks when you're all fired up for good news and then get crap like this.  Always try to look at the positives and keep that chin up.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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leitskev
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff raises a really good point(hey, it happens!).

There are probably only a handful of people who review amateur scripts for Carson. And it's probably from the same pool of people. With your script, he saw some new names. These were likely people from here, but it must have stood out a little at first.

I think in the end he decided the script was good enough that those recommends from people he had never seen before were legit.
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Grandma Bear
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I'm reposting this from the other thread because I totally disagree with Jeff!

Carson is not just another reader/reviewer. He has the clout to get studios to read scripts.

"Since we and so many other writers and industry professionals put so much weight on his IMPRESSIVE and GENIUS rated scripts, we must also respect his comments when a script gets a WASN'T FOR ME. No? I mean everyone likes different stories/genre/style whatever, but I don't agree with the attitude that Carson's review was "just one person's view". Carson is not just another reader. We have already established that..."


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leitskev
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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I don't always agree with Carson's reviews, many times I have commented on his blog that I see things different. But there are 2 big reasons to respect his opinion:

1) as Pia said, his opinion has weight. Any "impressive" by him is going to get studio attention.
and
2) he's read and reviewed a lot of spec scripts over the years. And he's also read comments by others on his blogs. So he has a pretty good sense of what works.

It's not perfect. But that review he gave today was more detailed than what you usually see on SS. You seldom if ever see that level of comment on story here. We see a lot on technical stuff, but seldom that much on story.
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
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And I totally disagree with Pia's comments.

To think that literally anyone is the end all authority of what's good, what's not, and why, is a bit ludicrous.

If that were indeed the case, every script that gets greenlit would be fantastic and a surefire hit with both critics and fans alike.  That's so far from reality, it's downright funny.

Most movies are not good.  In fact, most suck bigtime.  They're filled with such obvious amateur hour mistakes and plot holes that again, it strikes me as very humorous.

Hey, listen, I'm not saying Carson is an idiot or a nobody, but his opinion is definitely exactly that - an opinion.  We all know countless success stories, not only in the screenwriting/film making industry, but all forms of entertainment where someone has been repeatedly shot down, only to persevere and prove all the naysayers wrong.

Of course, we'd all like that anyone and everyone loves our work, but that just doesn't happen.  It's the way of the world, and in fact, a very hood thing because there are always other ways to go and other gate keepers to get past...you just have to find that one way in.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
It's not perfect. But that review he gave today was more detailed than what you usually see on SS. You seldom if ever see that level of comment on story here. We see a lot on technical stuff, but seldom that much on story.


And, I have to disagree with this as well.

IMO, his review was not at all detailed.  I see countless feedback here on SS that goes so much deeper than this.  In fact, I even commented on how non detailed I found his feedback to be.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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leitskev
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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The details I see at SS tend to focus on technical things like writing and format, with perhaps a little thrown in about story.

Carson's review goes into great detail about Clone Wife. Not only about problems, but about possible solutions. Very valuable. Worth its weight in gold when you can get feedback like that, even if you don't agree with all of it.
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not here to argue about anything, just throwing out my feelings and trying to cheer Brett up a bit, at the same time.

Again, there was absolutely nothing in Carson's review that I see as even being worth its weight in tin, let alone gold.  In fact, whether or not I came right out and said these things in my posted feedback here or personal feedback to Brett directly, as I said, I agree with much of what was said, even though the draft I rad was awhile ago.

Kev, help me out and tell me just a few of these nuggets that you feel are so impressive in his feedback.  And, I honestly mean this and hope you oblige.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Guys,

Thanks for starting a lively discussion.
It's truly appreciated.
And when I'm in a better frame of mind, I'm sure I'll contribute.
But anything I say right now would likely be a tad... emotion based.

But what I do want to say right now is...
Thanks to all Simply Scripts contributors.
To Don and all the mods for keeping us lot honest.

I wouldn't be WASN'T FOR ME on Scriptshadow without all your tireless support.

And once again, Don is there in a flash to lend a hand...
The draft of Clone Wife I submitted is now available here on the thread.

I hope it helps fuel the back and forth.
Thanks to all for making feel like getting this far was ever possible.

Warmest Regards,
Brett


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  December 28th, 2012, 4:01pm
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Grandma Bear
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Quoted from Dreamscale

To think that literally anyone is the end all authority of what's good, what's not, and why, is a bit ludicrous.

Where did I say he's the end all authority?

As usual, you completely miss my point. If you honestly think that someone who lived in L.A. over ten years trying to make it as a screenwriter, has read thousands and thousands of screenplays, a lot of them for studios, has lots of contacts and can get your script read by a studio, is no different than you and me reading a script then I think that's ludicrous.

And about what Kevin said, can you honestly not SEE the valuable comments? He clearly points our what doesn't work and why. Then offers suggestions on how to make the script better.


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bert
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer
And when I'm in a better frame of mind, I'm sure I'll contribute.
But anything I say right now would likely be a tad... emotion based.


That is wise.  SIt on it for a day or two.  Carson may even be popping in to look at these conversations as well.  Just sayin'.

Actually, there is quite a bit there that is remarkably positive about your writing, Brett -- though I am sure you are focusing only on the negatives at this point.  Can't be helped.

You are already well ahead of the curve.  Don't forget that.  I don't even see where this is a set-back, really.  Just one more pit-stop on the journey.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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Pia, it looks like you have missed my point as well.

I didn't say Carson's opinion doesn't matter, but it is one person's opinion and is definitely not the end all opinion.

You can look at 1,000's of Rom Com movies or any genre movies and see many, many things that either don't work or are downright foolish.  That does not mean it can't be or wasn't successful.

As I always say and always will continue to say, things work for a reason and even though they're far from perfect, it doesn't matter.  The bottom line is whether or not they work, as in what they have going for it.

Far too often, peeps get caught up in various "things" having to be this or that, and that's just not the way it works in reality.

If you want to take Carson's word as gospel, you go right ahead.  He does bring up a number of things that I agree need work or change (based on the draft I read), but that doesn't mean it's not good or downright bad.

As always, you take it with a few grains of salt and make decisions based on all the input and knowledge you have around you.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Grandma Bear
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I didn't say I take his words as gospel. In my original post, I said that if we/us/whoever freak out when he gives a script a GENIUS, then we can't dismiss his comments when they are not what we would like to hear.

For me personally, I HATED Killing on Carnival row and I know you did too.


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
For me personally, I HATED Killing on Carnival row and I know you did too.


Now that is gospel!!!  

Exactly my point.

I've merely been trying to stay positive and keep Brett upbeat as much as possible.  It's very easy to see the negative in things, and I wanted to make sure Brett realizes that all is not lost.  



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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leitskev
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
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Jeff, I'm not sure if I should oblige too specifically at the moment because I think Brett would like to settle down discussion of the script itself.

Carson's review would not be adequate for script notes. But it's a review, not coverage. And as such, he gets right to the heart of things in the review.

Part of the problem actually stems from the concept, which though perhaps is high, is technically difficult to pull off. It is absolutely essential in a rom com that the audience root for the couple to end up together. That's what a rom com is. We see two people that we think belong together, there are obstacles, and we watch to see those obstacles overcome.

In Clone Wife, we have no reason to want Travis to end up with Renee. In fact, we might prefer he be with clone Renee. That's a critical problem with the concept. I'm not sure how you overcome it.

But certainly if there is any chance, we have to REALLY care about Renee from early on. Again, not sure if that solves it. Because unless clone wife is flawed, like that old Star Trek episode with the evil Kirk, why wouldn't we also care equally about clone wife?

If the story does not make us desperately want to see Travis and Renee together, then it is not even really a rom com. I'm not sure what that leaves. It's kind of just a situation comedy where we watch to see how Travis gets out of the predicament. If that's the case, it better be roll over funny. A straight up comedy full of gags.

I thought Carson hit correctly on the problem of Clone Wife's appearance, though he forgot the dog cloning. I think every reader in this thread mentioned her appearance. Obviously that seems to be a difficult part of the story, because it's hard to make sense of the accidental cloning, or of the apparently now self conscience and intelligent arm/robot that for some reason made her.

But if the cloning is on purpose by Travis, that might be a problem too. I forget, I think he starts the process but doesn't finish it. Is it done this way just so there can be a dream sequence and the surprise appearance of clone wife? Or is it done so the audience is not angry at Travis for this unethical creation? I'm not sure. But the appearance over night of something as complicated as a fully grown replica, which was put together in the basement by AI robots, is hard to buy into in an adult film.

I even think Carson's comments on the writing approach are amazingly insightful here. Brett is very talented. And he has not been writing long. I think Carson's insights could fuel him to move on to the next level in his work. It hurts today, but it won't hurt long. It's the next leg of the journey.
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Kev, well put and I agree with everything you've said here.

I also think I've said each of these things at various times on the script, or at least the version I read.

But, in saying that, I do want to go back to my main point and that's simply that it shouldn't take a Carson to understand and realize these short comings.

And in no way am I putting Carson down, but for me, his review was not worth its weight in gold and I personally didn't read anything that I didn't already know.

Don't be depressed, Brett.  Look at the positives - you got a big name to read your script and he said it was well written.  Now, that may be worth its weight in gold.     


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Yo, Brett, I haven't read either version at all but will do so over the next 2 days.

Cheers stevie



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Ledbetter
Posted: December 28th, 2012, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Brett my fine brother,

Your balls just got a little more Teflon on them is all…

I've read all this back and forth regarding who thinks this guys is "important" and thinks he isn't. The really important thing is, what do you think?

Do you like the final product? Does it "feel right" to you? Is it where you think it could be picked up by a studio? Then chances are, someone in the industry thinks so too...

I don't know who Carson is. Truth is, I've never heard of him before this week. But I have heard of Brett Martin. You write well, you write real, and you have a pulse in your style that only one in a thousand can claim.

Now you can say Carson did a review. File it away under “stuff I wanted done” and see it for what it is; an opinion; nothing more or less.

Remember, your running point on a lot of fronts my man. You’re doing all the right things brother. Oh and I just gave Clone Wife another read. Here’s how I rate it.


x – KICK Flocking A$$

0-     KICK A$$ BUT…

0-     MEH…

0-     I VOMITED ON THE SCRIPT

Shawn…..><
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B.C.
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I actually think there's a lot of positives to be taken from the review.  The negatives do look like a kick in the balls on first reading, but once you get past Carson's style of writing then I think the criticisms could maybe be used for a positive re-write. And I do say maybe, because Brett has to decide whether he makes changes based on this review or not. It's the writers choice, their gut instinct, that should drive the bus after letting all this settle in.

One thing I took from the review which once again rammed home how tricky this screen writing lark is, was "So really, after you get your script into perfect shape, consider going back and “dirtying it up” a bit."

Soooo...we spend years learning to write, then have to learn to un-write!! I know he doesn't mean that exactly, but it's interesting in itself, and indicative of the challenges every spec writer faces.

Well done, Brett. Remember the Rocky Balboa rule of getting back up for another beating, cos that's the only way we move forward.
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Forgive
Posted: December 29th, 2012, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett! Not been around for a while, but I saw the review on ScriptShadow.

Obviously Carson's opinion matters - you wouldn't have put it up there if it didn't at least matter to you. And if anyone's opinion matters to enough people - then it simply holds weight.

I didn't think the review was too bad, to be honest. It was over-arching, yes, and didn't deal with technicalites, but was a good 'other angle' to have on your work.

Maybe just deal with the criticism head-on. He says your characters need a little more character. Maybe he's right. And if he is, is it that much to write into your story? Is that all it needs to really kick it off?

Sometimes we take criticism badly, but really in another language it's just people telling us which holes to fill to make our work what it should be. Medicine taken, now of the hole and re-write.

Best of luck with it man - you deserve it.

Simon
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CoopBazinga
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Hey Brett,

I’m a bit late on the scene, I’ve just the read review on Scriptshadow and hope you take all the positives from it and don’t get yourself too down. I really think there is so take away from it, if not just the experience.

To get your script reviewed in the first place is a fantastic achievement and it means the majority of readers liked it enough to request it. I think a lot of people (probably including you) respect Carson’s views so take what you think is beneficial and move onto the next round of rewrites.

One thing I learned from this is that you’re a great writer with a lot of confidence in your ability which is rightfully justified – you’re shooting for the stars buddy and with this confidence, you’ll be making your destination soon.

I also learned, well, actually I knew this already that you have a great concept which is not only great but sellable – if anything and let’s hope, maybe this will open some unexpected doors for you…

I’m confident you’ll be back on the horse soon and ready to crack into it again.

As a fine writer around these parts always says:

Keep writing and rewriting.

All the best with it and I wish a happy New Year.

Steve
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danbotha
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It's not Carson that annoys me so much, it's more his followers. Nobody commenting on the review seem to have their OWN opinions on Brett's script. Most of them are ratting on about 'agreeing with Carson'.

Brett knows Carson's opinion... Why does he have to hear it another 50+ times? It's turning into a bit of a witch hunt, IMO.

Dan


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Mr.Ripley
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Hey Brett,

Wanted to chime in here for a short bit.

The review that Carson gave you wasn't that bad. He gave some positives. All you need to do is work out the kinks out of the script Carson suggested.

He liked the concept but, found problems in the script that didn't quite make sense. And, you got a review for free. lol.

Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Gabe
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kingcooky555
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Hey Brett,

Congrats on the review. The thing with Carson - I think - is that he's not into Comedies or Rom Coms in general. Hence, the rating. I agree that the writing was great and crisp - finely tuned.

I think if you get this in the hands of people that are more Rom Com friendly, you'll get a bite - whether it be some big agency or a prod. co. Especially, with that high concept and that log line.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Hey Brett, I read Carson's feedback.  Sorry it didn't go as planned.

I'll tell you something I'm sure you already know, but it is true and may help if you take it to heart.

It's one opinion.  Carson isn't any different than alot of us.  People may think he is, but he's not.  He has an opinion just like everyone else does.

I didn't think he was slandering you in any way.  His comment  was simply that he didn't personally know the peeps who wrote in, recommending your script.  I wouldn't let that get you down.

I'm not a big Carson Reeves guy, but I did notice that he didn't really go into too many details on your script, yet still gave it a rather negative final grade.  My take is that he expected or hoped for more, based on the title, the logline, and the strong writing.

I haven't read this last draft, so I can't comment, but I did have to agree with a few of the things he said that I remembered from way back.

Hey, you know what they say, brother - every time a door closes, another one opens up.

All you can do is soldier on and keep the faith, never say die, and continue to move forward.

I know this really sucks when you're all fired up for good news and then get crap like this.  Always try to look at the positives and keep that chin up.



Hey Jeff,

Thanks for the sage words.
In perspective, I don't regret sending in the script at all.
It's another stepping stone.
I keep getting rejected by "bigger" folks all the time!

So, chin is in the upright position, ready to work next year.

And yeah, I think there's an aspect of it not getting across.
I also think part of the disconnect is the tone I chose.
Went with a fairy tale vibe over realism.

Agreed, the review read like Carson started skimming after about 20 pages.
If the script didn't hold his interest, that's the way it goes.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I'm reposting this from the other thread because I totally disagree with Jeff!

Carson is not just another reader/reviewer. He has the clout to get studios to read scripts.

"Since we and so many other writers and industry professionals put so much weight on his IMPRESSIVE and GENIUS rated scripts, we must also respect his comments when a script gets a WASN'T FOR ME. No? I mean everyone likes different stories/genre/style whatever, but I don't agree with the attitude that Carson's review was "just one person's view". Carson is not just another reader. We have already established that..."


From a business standpoint, Pia's on the money.
If Carson falls in love with your script, you'll get calls. Period.

Hey, there's nothing that says I can't resubmit.
But I'm also toying with uploading my other two 2012 features too.

Carson's not the only game in town.
I'll keep rolling the dice!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
I'm not here to argue about anything, just throwing out my feelings and trying to cheer Brett up a bit, at the same time.

Again, there was absolutely nothing in Carson's review that I see as even being worth its weight in tin, let alone gold.  In fact, whether or not I came right out and said these things in my posted feedback here or personal feedback to Brett directly, as I said, I agree with much of what was said, even though the draft I rad was awhile ago.

Kev, help me out and tell me just a few of these nuggets that you feel are so impressive in his feedback.  And, I honestly mean this and hope you oblige.


Carson's review has already given me ideas to rework the opener.
Tweak some beats so they do what I want them to do, etc.

But I think in the end, it comes down to the tone I chose.
I went with a fairy tale feel over the realistic couple people expected.

So, that's something to ponder for a while.
An entire tone rethink. Ugh.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert


That is wise.  SIt on it for a day or two.  Carson may even be popping in to look at these conversations as well.  Just sayin'.

Actually, there is quite a bit there that is remarkably positive about your writing, Brett -- though I am sure you are focusing only on the negatives at this point.  Can't be helped.

You are already well ahead of the curve.  Don't forget that.  I don't even see where this is a set-back, really.  Just one more pit-stop on the journey.


Re-read the review over the weekend and agree with you, pal!
I took a leap, didn't exactly stick the landing, but I'm still in the game.

The goal for 2012 was to "find my voice" on the page.
Wear a groove into a writing style that makes this fun for me.
And that I've done in the three features I wrote this year.

Now YOU get cracking on some dry lightning!

New Year Regards,
Brett


LATEST NEWS

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A list of my scripts can be found here.
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leitskev
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Another thing to consider, Brett. Everyone likes the concept and the writing. Maybe work on other stuff until you get directions from a producer who is buying it? The producers might have a certain tone in mind based on factors particular to their needs. It's probably out of your control.

Maybe you'll get some interest early in the year with the new exposure.
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Now that is gospel!!!  

Exactly my point.

I've merely been trying to stay positive and keep Brett upbeat as much as possible.  It's very easy to see the negative in things, and I wanted to make sure Brett realizes that all is not lost.  



You two going back and forth is enough to make anyone smile!

Thanks, guys and you're absolutely right.
By Saturday morning, my gloom started to lift.

Pia's right...
There are plenty of positives to take away from the review.

Jeff's gotta big point here too...
It's obvious that Carson started skimming the script pretty fast.
So, it's up to me to find that ambiguity and work on it.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev

I even think Carson's comments on the writing approach are amazingly insightful here. Brett is very talented. And he has not been writing long. I think Carson's insights could fuel him to move on to the next level in his work. It hurts today, but it won't hurt long. It's the next leg of the journey.


Hey Kev,

You're right. CW is an attractive but tough nut to totally crack.
My take on it was go with the "fairy tale" style approach.

The whimsical science and Travis "wishing" he could start over.
The storybook scene with the photo album, Mr. Charming, etc.

But that seems to have come off as me being superficial with the tale.
So, a rethink is in order.

2012 was a big success for helping me find my voice on the page.
Now it's time to use that craft to re-evaluate my storytelling.

But yeah, it is cool to hear from Carson that my concept and writing are solid.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ledbetter
Brett my fine brother,

I don't know who Carson is. Truth is, I've never heard of him before this week. But I have heard of Brett Martin. You write well, you write real, and you have a pulse in your style that only one in a thousand can claim.

Now you can say Carson did a review. File it away under “stuff I wanted done” and see it for what it is; an opinion; nothing more or less.

Remember, your running point on a lot of fronts my man. You’re doing all the right things brother. Oh and I just gave Clone Wife another read. Here’s how I rate it.


x – KICK Flocking A$$

0-     KICK A$$ BUT…

0-     MEH…

0-     I VOMITED ON THE SCRIPT

Shawn…..><


Hey Shawn!

That's for the super pep type.

Getting thughts from an industry insider for free is a big boon.

I generally break down screenwriting into three categories...

1) Concept Generation.

Can you conceive of marketable ideas that will attract industry folks?
I feel pretty solid there.
There's about 15 rock solid ideas we've developed to the pitchable stage.

2) Voice on the Page.

Could I write a script that has that "Brett thing" going on?
Everyone that's read my 2012 features has unanimously agreed on that.

3) Compelling Storytelling.

I tend towards fantasy filters as a first instinct.
Though it seems that most are looking for more realistic fantasies.

And that's fine and all.
It all comes down to if I think the story's better told that way.
So, I need to double down on my development skills in 2013!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from B.C.

One thing I took from the review which once again rammed home how tricky this screen writing lark is, was "So really, after you get your script into perfect shape, consider going back and “dirtying it up” a bit."

Soooo...we spend years learning to write, then have to learn to un-write!! I know he doesn't mean that exactly, but it's interesting in itself, and indicative of the challenges every spec writer faces.

Well done, Brett. Remember the Rocky Balboa rule of getting back up for another beating, cos that's the only way we move forward.


Hey Basket!

Yeah, that one was a bit odd to digest at first.
But I think I over-thought the pages and it hurt the read.

I probably spent too much time in my own head!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
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A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from leitskev
Another thing to consider, Brett. Everyone likes the concept and the writing. Maybe work on other stuff until you get directions from a producer who is buying it? The producers might have a certain tone in mind based on factors particular to their needs. It's probably out of your control.

Maybe you'll get some interest early in the year with the new exposure.


I do still have this draft of Clone Wife out to four feature producers.
And there's two other feature rewrites I'm meditating on right now.

I tend to stagger them that way.
So there's a natural gap before I return to a script and work it.

I think the big question for Clone Wife is...

Do I want to nix/minimize the fairy tale vibe to broaden the appeal?

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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I think giving it a more 'real' tone over the fantasy thing would be a good idea....

I may even ponder changing the ending a tad also.

Overall....I think you have something to work with...a very marketable idea...and the script/story will evolve. They always do.

I am horrible at polishing...so when I read that you need to dirty your work up a bit I was blown away! If I could just learn to meet my way(no polishing) and your way(over polishing) in the middle I'd be a happy camper. My work is so ugh..not pretty and raw almost.

Get ready for 2013! Time to rock it!
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leitskev
Posted: December 31st, 2012, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Clone is one of those concepts that has some high concept appeal, but turns out to have some inherent issues that make it a real challenge to pull off.

By definition, a rom com is a story where we watch two people overcome tremendous obstacles to be together. What makes the story is the audience wanting them to be together.

The two characters must be perfect for each other, need each other, make each other complete. The audience has to really care that this bonding happens in order for the obstacles encountered to create that sense of anticipation and anxiety.

What generates the problem here, but cannot be changed because of the larger premise, is the fact that the clone is an exact replica, with the same memories, the same sharing of experiences, the same bond to Travis.

Picture this: suppose the hair Travis used to recreate the clone were from right before she met Travis. So the clone does not know Travis. Therefore there is no bond between the clone and Travis. There is natural attraction, but any bond built will be new.

Under this scenario, it might be natural for the audience to root for the old Renee(if she has been set up right), because clone Renee does not have a history with Travis.

As it currently is, clone Renee is getting screwed, no matter what. It doesn't matter if you give her a happy ending. The point is that while we are watching, why should we root for clone Renee to lose her husband? How can we root for one Renee over the other when they both are the same person, same memories, with the same bond to Travis?

So we don't really have a compelling reason to want Travis and real Renee back together. In fact, she left him, maybe they're both better off if Travis stays with the clone.

However, if clone Renee just met Travis, and has no shared bond with him, she is not losing much if in the end she goes on with her own life. This makes it easier to root for the Renee/Travis reunion.

You would have to make their marriage shorter, which should be considered anyway. Maybe get rid of the high school part. So Renee met Travis, dated a year, they got married, and then 2 years later the trouble happens. When Travis clones Reneee, he truly starts over, with a Renee that is just about to meet him for the first time.

Remembering that this is essentially a time travel tale at heart, there are different ways to go.

The key to any rom com is that we NEED the audience to be pulling hard for the two to get together.

Also, to the degree that the central drama making us root for this bonding is weak, you need to compensate with humor. Basically it becomes more of a situation comedy. You need to move this towards Will Farrell/Steve Carrell type comedy. If we're laughing hard, the drama less important.

So in short: I would suggest either one of two directions. Either make this crazy funny, with all kinds of zany gags; or find a way to make sure the audience really really wants to see Travis and Renee together. There must be a sense that they alone can make each other complete and happy.

I don't expect you to actually do either of these things. However, if a production company discusses the script with you, you can have these ideas in the back of your head as alternatives. At some point you have to focus your ample talents on new projects. Leave older ones alone unless a producer has serious interest. I think. I'd like to see you keep developing as a writer. New stories!

Revision History (1 edits)
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from leitskev
Clone is one of those concepts that has some high concept appeal, but turns out to have some inherent issues that make it a real challenge to pull off.

So in short: I would suggest either one of two directions. Either make this crazy funny, with all kinds of zany gags; or find a way to make sure the audience really really wants to see Travis and Renee together. There must be a sense that they alone can make each other complete and happy.

I don't expect you to actually do either of these things. However, if a production company discusses the script with you, you can have these ideas in the back of your head as alternatives. At some point you have to focus your ample talents on new projects. Leave older ones alone unless a producer has serious interest. I think. I'd like to see you keep developing as a writer. New stories!


Hey Kev,

Some nifty ideas here, thanks!

I do have the script out to some feature producers right now.
And I keep getting calls saying they're getting to me in their pile.

The draft Carson reviewed, in fact, is a result of a producer meeting over the summer.
We had coffee, talked scripts and discussed changes, etc.
Who knows what will come of that.

Clone Wife is an attractive but tricky high concept.
I'm leaning on making things more realistic, if it's just up to me.
But maybe one of those feature producers comes back with some ideas too!

I'm sure I'll continue developing the property in 2013.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 1st, 2013, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Pale Yellow


I am horrible at polishing...so when I read that you need to dirty your work up a bit I was blown away! If I could just learn to meet my way(no polishing) and your way(over polishing) in the middle I'd be a happy camper. My work is so ugh..not pretty and raw almost.

Get ready for 2013! Time to rock it!


One might say...
We should write a script together sometime then.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from Forgive
Hey Brett! Not been around for a while, but I saw the review on ScriptShadow.

Obviously Carson's opinion matters - you wouldn't have put it up there if it didn't at least matter to you. And if anyone's opinion matters to enough people - then it simply holds weight.

I didn't think the review was too bad, to be honest. It was over-arching, yes, and didn't deal with technicalites, but was a good 'other angle' to have on your work.

Maybe just deal with the criticism head-on. He says your characters need a little more character. Maybe he's right. And if he is, is it that much to write into your story? Is that all it needs to really kick it off?

Sometimes we take criticism badly, but really in another language it's just people telling us which holes to fill to make our work what it should be. Medicine taken, now of the hole and re-write.

Best of luck with it man - you deserve it.

Simon


Hey Simon!

Yeah, at first I took the "over-arching" vibe of the review a tad, personally.

But after I got my head on straight, I can see why it happened.
I didn't captivate the reader with my storytelling techniques.
Which are, admittedly, the weakest link in my craft.

I'll tackle Clone Wife again in 2013!
Best of luck with your writing endeavors in the new year!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 18th, 2013, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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A little update on this script...

I'm FINALLY meeting with the feature producer this week.
I've been ill for three weeks and he's promoting his latest feature film.
But we've carved out some time for ourselves.

He has notes on the draft I turned in based on our last meeting, naturally.
That's the draft y'all can read here at your leisure.

Notes are good, that means he wants to continue the relationship.
So, I'll keep folks posted on that.

And some other news...

Thanks to Dan Botha's efforts, Clone Wife is getting more attention.
He's been stellar here in his brief time and connected with a producer/director.

Dan posted a thread on behalf of his colleague looking for certain kinds of features.
So, I submitted my script a couple weeks ago...
And my tale made the cut!

Clone Wife was chosen by Dan's contact to be on a shortlist for potential production!
The guy's worked on some indie features before with some decent budgets.

So, a big thanks to Dan for all the hard work.
And who knows where things will go from here!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  February 18th, 2013, 4:23pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 18th, 2013, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Sounds excellent, Brett.  Hope it works out.  Keep us posted...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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nawazm11
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Good luck, Brett!
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Brett, just noticed this.  Great to hear things are hotting up!  


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Electric Dreamer
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Finally, after three and a half months, I got my meeting about Clone Wife!

Yesterday, I met with the feature producer that was the impetus for the latest draft.
And he thought I turned in a great draft!
He wants to take it to market after some cosmetic changes!

Mark really believes the concept is too attractive/high concept for studios to lay off it.
And now the script's been "studioized" to fit that bill.
I also have a pal at Anonymous Content I can add to that list too.
They made Eternal Sunshine & 50 First Dates.
So, we'll be testing the market waters with Clone Wife much sooner than later!

After I finish the Xmas rom/com, I'm all over that rewrite.

None of this would be possible without the SS faithful.
That's all the news that's fit to report right now.

Regards,
Brett


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 21st, 2013, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Make it happen, Brett!!!!!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Mr.Ripley
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That's good news to hear. Crossing my fingers. Is that great draft you mention this one posted up? I still have to read but have been busy with my own feature.

Gabe
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Eoin
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Great news Brett - I have always been confident from the start that this concept was good enough to sell - and it will.

Eoin
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wonkavite
Posted: February 21st, 2013, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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Yowzers, congratulations Brett!!  CW deserves the accolades, IMHO.  
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Jeremiah Johnson
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Seems like it would make a good movie, especially if it is cast right.  Good luck with this!!

I will watch it if it comes out at the theater... and I don't go to the theater much.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
That's good news to hear. Crossing my fingers. Is that great draft you mention this one posted up? I still have to read but have been busy with my own feature.

Gabe


Hey Gabe!

Thanks for the happy mojo!

And yes, the draft my producer read is right here on SS.
It was "tailored" to him, since I based my changes on our last meeting.
I wrote up about five pages of outlined notes based on our chat.

Then I sent that to him, he signed off on it and off to the races I went!

Good luck with your feature, pal!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Ledbetter
Posted: February 22nd, 2013, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Best of luck Brett!

You deserve it brother.

Shawn.....><
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Hey Brett,

Seems like this one could be going places – I’m hardly surprised as it’s a great premise.

I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you, buddy.

Good luck.

Steve
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Electric Dreamer
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Hey Guys!

Hope the 6+1 is adding up to tons of fun!

Wanted to take a moment and share a trailer...
It's the latest feature from the producer I'm developing Clone Wife with.

Things are in motion. More to Come. Enjoy the NSFW trailer.


Regards,
E.D.



LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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wonkavite
Posted: March 20th, 2013, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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Daggit, I can't view that video from my PC here!   Got to wait until I get home... (Pout.)
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Electric Dreamer
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Quoted from wonkavite
Daggit, I can't view that video from my PC here!   Got to wait until I get home... (Pout.)


Wow. 3000 posts. LOL.
Yeah, it's just a quickie F-bomb in the trailer. But still.

Dose of Reality comes out on DVD, BluRay and VOD next week.
Hung out with Rick Ravanello, (blonde actor in trailer) at a screening, what a hoot!
He wanted to play the lead in Lie Detector so bad after reading the script.
I'm blessed that a producer like Mark sees merit in Clone Wife.

Regards,
Brett


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: March 20th, 2013, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Best of luck Brett

Hope one day we can all be in your shoes
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Grandma Bear
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That's great Brett! Maybe CW will be next!

Do you by any chance know who the distributor is? Just curious...I'm sure you know why.  


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Quoted from Grandma Bear
That's great Brett! Maybe CW will be next!

Do you by any chance know who the distributor is? Just curious...I'm sure you know why.  


Hehe, I do know why, m'dear.
The company's called Monarch, they're handling everything but VOD.

http://www.monarchhomeent.com/m/179-Dose_of_Reality

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

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A list of my scripts can be found here.
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wonkavite
Posted: March 21st, 2013, 8:56am Report to Moderator
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Caught the video.  Sterling work, BTW!!  
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One thing I didn’t like about Rene’s character is that Rene is very unlikable. I think that, even though Rene is supposed to be an antagonist, you can make her unlikable in a sense that she is likable. I feel that Rene didn’t really want to fight for Travis’ and her marriage in the first place. Please take this review as a grain of salt and not as a negative review. I think that you made Rene this way because of the natural of her personality. I think that she can do everything as she could to fight for her marriage, and then later on in the story she should give up. Then that’s where Travis looks for answers through his Clone Wife.

I also think that Clone Wife could be used to start life over again with Rene. Maybe Travis could find the answers from Clone Wife, and, at the end, find a way to negotiate with Clone Wife before Rene comes home from vacation.
Other than this, I think everything else is fine.
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Toby_E
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Hey Brett,

Finally got around to reading this.

So, what did I think of it...? I really liked it, and can see why others have as well

The concept of the script was great. And not only was it great, but it is very sellable (which explains why you've got producers interested!).

The script was also a very fast, easy read. This was because your writing throughout was superb. I loved your descriptions. They were brilliant.

Now, whilst I did really enjoy the read, I did have one or two issues with it. My major issue was that I was never really rooting for Travis and Renee to get back together; if anything, I was rooting for him to actually stay with Clone Wife! I think the reason for this was that you never really showed us Travis and Renee before their relationship is completely over. OK, you do throw in a few flashbacks throughout, but I'd like the screenplay to start with them on the rocks, but that spark, that something still there between them. That way, I feel that it would actually give us a reason for rooting for them to get back together. I also think it would make Renee's decision to go back to Travis more believable. Because as it stands, I was a bit confused as to what was motivating her to travel halfway across the world to go back to him.

Another potential issue I had, this time with the concept, was wouldn't Clone Wife have realised everyone was nine years older? I know she did say something about Travis' wrinkles, but maybe have her say something similar to some of the other characters?


Below are a few notes I made whilst reading:

Page 3- “Renee’s not talking about accessories.” Is this necessary?

Page 10- Really decent use of the story to weave in back-story, without making it seem forced or unnatural.

Page 12- Not really sure if the (weeks later) in the slug is necessary, as in the scene after, you tell us that Travis hasn’t shaved in weeks?

Page 13- Not really sure what the relevance of this scene is: “A bird lands on the corner pocket of the pool table”?

Page 21- Stig: “I mean, he’s been working a hard on.” I lol-ed

Page 24- I personally thought the nightmare scene lasted a little too long, and it seemed

Page 40- I believe this slug needs a time? “INT. SKY ZONE TRAMPOLINE PARK”

Page 62- Something about this line reads a bit awkward: “Astrid, I know the difference between real WIFE and my work.”

Page 64- Travis is coming across quite obnoxious and unlikeable here. Especially with the "boo-ya!"

Page 70- Renee: “Take me home now.” I think this line would read better with a full stop before “now”.

Page 97- I’m not sure Guy would have admitted to sabotage straight away?

Page 101- I’m not really sure what this line means: “Clone Wife takes a tall drink of Mr. Charming.” Is it meant to read “takes a drink OFF”?

Page 103- “A lonely volunteer sits at a booth full of Guy’s book.” Should be “books”?


But yeah, as I said at the start, I really enjoyed this.

Best of luck with everything, you deserve all the positive attention you have received with this.

Toby.


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danbotha
Posted: April 27th, 2013, 12:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi Brett,

Sent through my coverage on "Clone Wife" to Mr. Shapiro a while back. Thought you might want to know what I said in my comments. I didn't have many negative to say. All in all, a brilliant script. Hope all goes well for you.

Here is what I wrote:

“Clone Wife” is an original tale that beautifully portrays the power of true love overcoming apparent impossible odds. With brilliant one-liners and hilariously funny character traits, the screenplay is an opportunity one should not miss reviewing. With the main character, Travis battling against the possibility of losing the love of his life twice, the dramatic stakes are enough to keep audiences of all ages enthralled around the world. While a little slow in places, the story builds on the tension tremendously, delivering some comical scenes with the return of Renee. There is a good presence of sub-plots that make sense, with Stig’s backstory involving him being bullied as a teenager and some minor characters that entertain to the best of their ability. The story works incredibly well within the genre, with the key features of Romantic Quality still there. This couple is separated by odds that seem to be impossible to overcome, yet they still manage to do so. A truly heart-warming story with a decent ending, likely to make an audience smile.

The characters in “Clone Wife” are brilliantly developed, with all characters completing some sort of arc. There is a lesson to be learned from each character, therefore creating an element for every audience member to take from the story. For example, Travis realizes that with a little determination, true love can be rediscovered where it was once lost. On the other end of that spectrum, Clone Wife discovers that love isn’t always a two-way street and sometimes we may have to make sacrifices in order to discover our own true love. While each characters have their individual themes to portray, there are other traits which make them admirable as well. In general, the characters are typically quite lively and compelling, with different quirks that set them apart. Stig, for example has his eye-twitch and Travis is infatuated with his work to a point where an audience would have to admire him. Even Travis’ robots have unique characters, bound to amuse audiences. Eli is a childish robots with some amusing and sometimes hilarious hand gestures to portray his thoughts, while Emma is a more sophisticated robot, well beyond her “years” in terms of maturity and wisdom. Despite their very different personalities, these robots are a characterization masterpiece, showing what caring for someone is truly about.

Despite being a comedy, the screenplay isn’t too heavily reliant on dialogue, which is a common fear among many film directors. Brett Martin has found a nice balance between dialogue and action, forcing both these elements to compliment each other, as opposed to conflicting features. Additionally, each character sounds real and incredibly believable an incredibly good thing for comedy, as often punch-lines come across as a little cheesy. With this screenplays complimentary contrast between dialogue and action and believable character dialogue quirks, this particular aspect in screenwriting has been executed to perfection.

In terms of structure and pacing, all looks well with “Clone Wife”. Act 1 gets right into the thick of things, quickly establishing Renee’s irritation with her husband’s enthusiasm. The inciting incident in act 1 (Renee leaving) is brought in at the perfect time, rolling into the second act in a nice fluid motion. Act 2, however, could roll along a little faster with some redundant detail included. Just after Travis finds out that Renee is coming back to town, we spend more time watching the relationship between Clone Wife and Travis develop. This is essentially something already witnessed in “Clone Wife” therefore rendering this particular action sequence a little redundant and unnecessary. This, however, is the only glitch in Act 2, with the rest of the story development progressing well. Act 3 runs through without any glitches, with a nice, clear resolution to a well thought-through story.

“Clone Wife” should be considered as a potential filming product when taking the criteria provided by the Director into account. The film is a clear depiction of real, relatable characters in a slightly surreal situation. With Travis’ marriage on the line, he is essentially in an incredibly vulnerable position, with his life as he knows it on the line. The main conflict is played out through his relationship with his wife, challenging his priorities in life and whether he could really live a healthy life without the existence of his partner. With this romantic component in the story, the stakes are incredibly high and easy to relate to. After all, what sane audience would want to lose the love of their life over a simple thing such as work? CONSIDER FOR PRODUCTION.

Dan


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alffy
Posted: August 11th, 2013, 5:52am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett, seems I’m the only person round here that hasn’t read this so...

As you’ve had a ton of good reviews I thought I’d simply read this through and give my two bob thoughts.

The opening experiment was very descriptive and at times a little confusing which slowed my pace.  Actually this continues and there was a description of Montana Tony’s that had me completely baffled...I didn’t make a note of it but it was something about a cocaine cowboy or something, went right over my head it did lol.

There’s also a lot of character traits and background given out in the description; not sure where I stand on this really?

I enjoyed the scene that told us of their back story, played put out through the old photos.  Pretty clever that.

The burrito scene had me chuckling.

So far I’m 20 odd pages in and I have laughed at numerous scenarios.  I’m pretty impressed so far and hope it continues in this vain.

So the main storyline kicks in just after the 20 minute mark and kicks in with a great dream/nightmare scene.

I did notice that clone wife sits on Travis’ bed but we’re only told she’s naked when she leaves.

I had to write this bit down as I read it.
‘Clone wife kisses Travis all the way down to his...ding dong.  The door bell rings.’
I chuckled out loud at this but then realised the gag would be watered down a bit on screen.

I had to re-read the CREAMERY slug, lol

There are some nice touches with Clone Wife and Renee copying their actions.

Brett, I’m not sure you’ll have heard of this show but when I read over the bookshop scene with Guy I couldn’t help but imagine a scene from an episode of ‘Black Books’.   A travel writer visits the shop for a talk and the customers act like giddy school children in his presence.

There’s a nice switch of mood at about the hour mark when Travis realises how he and Renee have drifted over the last 10 years and failed to live up to the dreams they both had.

I did wonder why Officer Pitt waited around in the cul-de-sac long enough to hear the explosion?  Or did he return, I was a bit confused by the timeline here?  I did think Pitt was funny though.

I enjoyed how Travis became like a ‘mad scientist’ character toward the end.

The final 15/20 minutes concluded everything nicely.  One thing that came to me though was, everyone tried desperately to hid modern things from Clone Wife so she wouldn’t realise what year it was and she thought she was living the present but would she not think that everyone suddenly looked older than they did yesterday?

I’ve kept it short, like I said, as everyone seems to have read this already and you’ve plenty of good feedback so I’ll just say that I thought this was excellent.  I breezed through it in no time and found it very entertaining from start to finish.  Also a few minor characters came and went but injected good humour, Wade and Pitt spring to mind.  Excellent work, Brett.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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