Clone Wife by Brett Martin (electric dreamer) - Comedy, Romantic, Comedy, Fantasy - A lonely scientist gets an unexpected second chance at first love when he clones his estranged wife. 106 pages - pdf, format

Nice poster - read the first 10 pages on screenplay readers, look forward to reading the rest.

SPOILERS!

Good poster. Read 14 pgs. Very good in imo. However, I think it would be better if you can skip the shopping mall scene and go directly to the tony montana place. Does this actually exist? I would visit it. lol. Anyway, back to the topic at hand, The tony montana scene expresses the same message as the shopping mall. Other people don't like Travis, don't think he's right for Renee, and that he should leave.

This reminds me a bit of a Weird Science, the movie and tv series. Not having read it all, I believe the clone woman would help Travis, or go against Travis, or go against Renee. Interesting possibilities. Can't wait to read it more. To make a prediction, I'll say you went for the 2nd option.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Like the poster, especially the tag line.

Definitely has a very, very sellable vibe to it.

Not sold on the title.

Hey Brett,

SPOILERS

Read the first 15. Personally I like the title, it makes it very clear what this is about and pretty much sets the tone. Ok with a name like that it could be a horror but the likelihood is that you know otherwise. Has a commercial feel to it, as does all your work, which i like.

You must accept I am newish to this but have my comments for what they are worth.

# I found the first page a bit heavy. Eg ...delicate articulate metal forearms.... I gathered what the aims were but i had to read it deeply to get it to flow. Does that make sense?
# bichon frise - sorry I didn't know this was a dog and for the next few pages I thought it was a cat, then a dog then back to a cat!! I know now.
# P5 cocaine pile - sorry I have an image that I think it wrong. What is this?
# when travis leaves I found this a little abrupt. Yes they don't talk, yes he doesn't like being there... I don't know something seemed missing, as if more would be said or done.
# I like the name, wonders. House of wonders!
P13 lugWade - what is this?

I think I am going to like this and will read more. Hope the above is ok with you.

Cheers RD

EDIT

Brett, I assume you read my original post in this space. No need for me to leave it. I will update here later after I read some more.

Kevin

Update

I've reread the from scratch. The good news is that it's not really as bad as my sense was last night. The problem is that we're flooded with images, words, and information that slows the read. When you read it a second time, you understand better. And this explains why some of these issues were difficult to fix by the writer, who already has the info in his mind.

With the reread, things were moving pretty smoothly. I understood some subtle things I missed yesterday. But some more issues cropped up.

Around page 17 begins the effort to clone the dog/cat. It takes 8 pages! And not much of interest happens in those 8 pages. Actually, nothing. In film, this would not be 8 minutes, but it would still be way too long. That's where I stopped for now.

I have identified some problems though, that I think will help on rewrite.

First: we know from the logline that he is going to clone his wife. So there is no mystery to pull us through the slow parts of the script. There is no question we need to see answered. We know there will be a clone. And we actually can assume certain things from the tone. For example, we know the wife will come home, and Travis will have to deal with this somehow. There will be some ripe comedy with that. And we expect there will be a happy ending, and Travis will get with his wife. I could be wrong, but it doesn't even change my point, because the issue is that we are sure this is how it will work out...even if it doesn't. See what I'm saying?

You have to engage people's curiosity. We're not even curious about clones. Clones are old hat now. So we need something that will intrigue us. I don't know what. Maybe that's where story B comes in. If there is one, it could help to bring it in earlier. Anything to engage our curiosity.

Second: you will possibly reply to my point above by saying we are intrigued by wondering what will happen when Renee comes home. Problem is we really have not gotten to know either Renee or Travis much, or them as a couple. We don't have an attachment. We don't care if she stays in Japan and Travis lives happily ever after with the clone. And if he gets sick of that one, make another. We're not invested in their relationship, and we need to be.

I think that can be fixed with some work. And you have the space, God knows that. Because there's a whole lotta description that is not needed. There's even stuff happening that really is not needed, such as the expository dialogue with dog/cat.

I also think I understand some of what has caused the problem here with the writing. When, as new writers, we start writing, we tend to overwrite, use asides, too much dialogue. We learn how to strip that down to the bare bones, become ultra efficient. Then, we start trying to build some writing back, develop a style. I think this is part of that process, and it's only your third feature, so everyone should be patient.

Ok, I have work to do. Getting behind schedule. I will be back to this and post here as an edit.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Hey Brett, P13 lugWade - what is this? Cheers RD

Quoted from leitskev Hey Brett Same with the lugwade. Never heard of it, but can figure out from the context what it is. But hopefully there aren't too many times I have to figure out. regards Kevin

Hey Guys!

First off, thanks for the lightning fast looks at the script, super appreciated!

I'll get into the critiques themselves later.
But, there's one thing I should address right now.
I made a GINORMOUS TYPO mistake in this draft due to a character name change.
WADE used to be a GAGE.
I forget to spell check after I did the CTRL + F name swap deal.
So, "luggage" on p. 13 became "lugWade" and I missed it.
There are two others I found later on, "engage" became "enWade".

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett, I see you have a new script up and already have coverage and a poster.  You move fast my friend.

I started reading this morning and got up to Page 15 (seems like Page 15 is a popular place to stop and hang out!).  My Page by Page notes are attached, and meant to help, point out mistakes, and give you my personal opinions of what works and doesn’t work for me.  Please keep in mind, that many of my comments involve pet peeves of mine that others have no problem with.  I am also not a Rom Com kind of guy, although I have sat through many hundreds.  Although I don’t personally like the genre, there are countless Rom Coms I do enjoy for what they are, and I think I know what makes one work and what makes one fail.

So, basically take my comments for what you see they are worth…nothing more and nothing less.  EDIT – Looking back over this, I’m actually a little worried about even posting, as there a lot of negatives brought up.  But, I know you want this to be all it can, and hopefully a few of my points will make sense.  If not, just chalk it up to coming from a non Rom Com kind of guy!

Let’s dive in…

Page 1 – Opening Slug – By using “MAN CAVE LAB”, you’re obviously going for humor on the written page, which won’t show up in a filmed version…and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.  But, IMO, by using the term “MAN CAVE”, you’re implying something about whoever’s man cave this is, and having read to Page 15, I can easily say that Travis is not the type of guy where man cave applies.  Obviously no big deal, but for me, it’s a misfire right out of the gate.

Opening passage – Again, for me, this opening passage is a misfire, as it’s very long winded, and causes me to more than pause to take in what you want me to.  “Tinker Thinker”, “Rodin”, and “tinker toys” all make this a difficult opening for me, and the fact that it’s a 3 line, single sentence, doesn’t help.

I am not a fan of spiders and it’s common knowledge that many aren’t.  You write about this critter in an almost cartoonish, animated way, which I see as a problem, and something just not needed for a light hearted Rom Com.

You intro Travis as being in his “40s”.  I understand everyone has their own opinion about character introductions, and I’ve had several “discussions” with board members, even recently about this, but I want to let you know my thoughts on it, as I feel it’s important.  I totally understand that on film, it’s impossible to know how old a character is.  To add to the difficulty, most movies cast actors that are not the same age as the character is supposed to be in the script (one of my biggest pet peeves, especially when teenage characters are played by actors in their late 20’s, which just makes no sense to me).  But here’s the deal…40’s by definition means age 40-49, which is a pretty wide gap.  Does it matter which age he is?  Probably not, depending on backstory and exact details provided in the script (I don’t know at this point). But you as the writer are the creator of these characters.  You create every detail about them, including their backstories and life outside the actual script.  Therefore, you are the only one who knows how old each character is.  Because you know this and based your script around it (hopefully), you should come right out and give an exact age for every main character (or at least a smaller range, like “early 40’s”, “mid 40’s”, or “late 40’s”). If a character is only in a scene or 2 and it doesn’t matter at all what his age really is, then fine, use a wide range, as it doesn’t impact the story in any way.  But for all your main characters, IMO, it is important to give them an age and make sure you stick to that throughout in how they act, and what they say.

I agree with Kevin regarding the heavy V.O. that is so prevalent on this opening page.  For me, it doesn’t work at all, and makes for a slow read right out of the gate.  IMO, even if he was actually talking to himself, it would be better than using a V.O.

The stuff about the picture needs some attention, IMO.  You’ve given intense detail here that I bet isn’t remotely necessary.  But, if you indeed want to “show” this detail, you should focus in on the picture with a Mini Slug or “insert”.  As it is, it just reads so clunky, long winded, and overwritten.  Also, you’re missing “head” between “her” and “out”.

Page 2 – Again, the spider stuff on the top of the page doesn’t fit into the tone of this script in any way.  You will turn off many as well as freak them out as well, if this is filmed even remotely closely to what you’re intending with your prose.

“The sounds of an unseen door closing upstairs. Claws click across a hard floor to greet the arrival.

Travis watches a desktop Pong clock play with itself. 7:17.” – Both of these passages are problematic for me.  The first really doesn’t say anything and what it does say is unimportant, IMO.  The 2nd one is just weird…detail that’s unnecessary.  Why do we care what time it is?  It doesn’t even come into play at all.  Why a “Pong clock”?  What is a Pong clock?  The “play with itself” line is humorous on paper, but again, it doesn’t translate to film.

OK, the first 4 passages after the “LATER” Mini Slug all have issues, IMO.  All are extremely overwritten, with too much completely unnecessary detail.  They’re also oddly phrased, making them all difficult to take in.  I don’t want to quote each line and give details, but if you’re wondering, just ask, and I’ll do it.

Also, keep in mind that the time element in your opening Slug is “NIGHT”.  You have a Mini of “LATER”, but it’s still night, in theory (or at least should be, based on your Slugs).  The use of “twilight” and “dusk” are very confusing, as both refer to a time between day and night, which makes no sense since we’re already in a “NIGHT” time element.  Needs to be addressed and changed.

I see where people are getting confused about Algernon, the “Bichon Frise”.  If nothing else, you should give him a color, so we can visualize him a bit better.

Page 3 – Travis’ dialogue line at the top of the page is interesting to me, because I think it’s a gauge on how people will feel about this.  If they find this line funny, they’ll probably enjoy the script.  If they don’t, they probably won’t.  Sorry to say, but I’m in the latter camp so far…I don’t find it funny, and I’m having trouble getting through this up to this point.

Hmmm, the last scene was “DAY”, and now it’s “DUSK”.

“Wade REID” – “Wade” also needs to be all CAPPED.  Wade’s description is, again, difficult for me.  I understand why you’re using the words you are, but for me, it’s annoying and a turn off.

“Wade gravitates closer to the property line, he holds the hose waist high while he gawks at Renee’s ass.” – Wooo, WTF?  First of all, this is a run-on sentence, that reads very awkwardly.  Kind of out of place wording “Renee’s ass”, but the bigger issue is that Renee has not been intro’d as being in this scene.

“The water stream goes soft, Wade looks at the flaccid hose.” – same thing here…rather humorous on paper, with the word “flaccid” and the obvious connotation, but I highly doubt it would transfer to film this way.

And again, all of a sudden, Travis is also in the scene, without being properly intro’d.  You understand what I’m saying?  To make matters worse, it seems to me that this entire scene is taking place in Wade’s front yard, not the Wonders’.  I mean, Travis is turning off Wade’s water at the spigot, right?  That would be attached to Wade’s house.  This entire scene needs immediate attention.

The next scene doesn’t work for me either, sorry to say.  It’s not funny to me, and reads very clunky.

Page 4 – Opening Slug – You’ve got this as an EXT scene, but the dog is sitting inside the house, looking out the bay window, correct?  I understand what you’re going for, but is this correct as written?  I don’t think so.

Next Slug – “EXT. HIGH SCHOOL” – to me isn’t accurate again, but no big deal.  I also personally don’t like the V.O. dialogue, or the cliché assumption that these 2 have lived in the exact same town where they grew up their entire life, but I’m sure it may be just me.

The following dialogue exchange seems to come out of nowhere, as Travis’ outfit hasn’t been discussed or even referenced for a few pages.  I also don’t know if this joke will be clear or understood by anyone.  And, why wouldn’t Travis even know where they’re going?  The scene doesn’t work for me again, sorry to say.

Damn…Brett, I’m sorry, but I’m just having issues with an awful lot here.  This next scene also doesn’t compute for me as written.  The sentence starting with “Travis crosses…” is another run-on and awkwardly worded.  We’re outside in a parking lot and you then insert some kind of Mini Slug of a book shop, and call it “OLD BIDDIE’S”?  Are we actually going inside this shop, or what?  Based on the writing, we’re not, as later, we’re back with Renee and Travis, so I’m just totally confused with what I’m supposed to be picturing.  Then, you intro an actual book on display and even CAP Guy’s name, as if he’s being intro’d here.  I cannot for the life of me picture this scene as written at all.

GENERAL NOTE – You know clichéd asides are a pet peeve of mine and they’re starting to run rampant.  I despise these, but obviously many don’t and even like them.

Page 5, 6, 7 - OK, we’re inside the restaurant, and again, it’s going to be a love/hate relationship with the humor on display.  It ain’t working for me, sorry to say.  I can’t seem to make this dialogue work or even make sense, but again, maybe it’s just me.

Page 8 - I don’t quite understand the dishes on display here, and for me, it’s not funny again.  I guess you’re trying to tie in Renee’s upcoming move to Japan with Stig’s Italian restaurant food, but again, is anyone going to get this…or appreciate it? It’s a lot of detail being given for something with limited potential, IMO.

Page 9 – So it’s revealed that Renee has accepted a promotion in Japan and hasn’t even told her husband.  It’s a classic movie cliché that has never worked for me, and here it comes across as the same – I don’t buy it and don’t appreciate it.  Travis and Renee’s relationship hasn’t seemed at all bad up to this point…not even in a comedic way bad.  This comes across very oddly to me.

Back to the man cave – again, Brett, the writing on display to me, is overdone with unnecessary detail, making it read long and dull.  Even your choice of words seems odd, like you’re purposely trying to write this as more than it is – “creamy confines”, “the extraction”, “fishy treat”, “to the Bichon Fris”, “discerning precision”.  Some may appreciate this, but I for one do not at all.

Page 10, 11 – Although in an odd way, I like this little story here and feel it is definitely something that we see in this kind of movie, I also dislike it, as it’s obvious exposition, just a guy talking to a dog, and it goes on for a page and a half!

Page 11, 12 – The scenes with Travis and Renee are OK, but again, for me, too long, and nothing is really said that makes any difference or even defines their characters or where they are in their relationship.  I also loathe unnecessary intercuts.

Last scene on Page 12 – Again, way too much completely unnecessary detail.  I used to love Breakout, but do you really think most will have a clue what it is…or why it’s here?  I don’t get it.

Page 13 – “mirror pond knick-knack” – HUH?  Brett, WTF?

Why Renee just drives away is a real mystery.  Their relationship is a real mystery, and not a good mystery that I look forward to being revealed.  Just seems “odd” to me.

I’ll stop here as I’m running out of room.

Brett, congrats on finishing another feature!!

Since I was going to give ZP another look, would you rather me read this one?

Hey Brett,

As I've already stated, I like the poster. I'd have to agree Rick's comment about the title. Straight away, it reminds me of Star Wars: The Clone Wars. I'm not saying I have a better one, or there is a better one, but you may want to kick a few more titles around and see if there's a better fit.

The premise is a nice one and a very sellable one.

I'd also have to agree with Kevin about the VO. Way too much for a Rom Com, way too much for a narrator on Discovery Channel almost! You need to put the VO on a low cal diet. This sequence would be better shown on screen (keeping budget constraints in mind) with a sprinkling of VO.

The opening is very quirky in tone.

The garden hose gag is chickle worthy but run of mill territory for this kind of comedy. I thinks it needs something else that shows a little more of Travis' character.

There's way too much going on in the restaurant. I don't know if I want to eat or concentrate on the story! I think you need to pare back the description here and stick to the real core of the story at this point, the cracks in the relationship between Travis and Renee. Conflict.

I'll post some more comments later.

Just to chip in a bit, and I will delete these posts further down to clear space in the thread: I am not against the VO used, just the way it was executed with all that chemistry club stuff. If that could be reduced it could work fine.

Although, Jeff's suggestion of Travis talking to himself, or to the dog, as he does later, could really, really work well for what you want to do. It fits the archetype, a science geeky guy, who works out of his house, talking to himself in his lab or study. That could work fine, and would be a small change. I would go with that, I think.

More later.

Continued -

Page 13 – OK, so now it’s clear that several days (at least) have passed since Renee left.  I find it odd that we didn’t get any conversation between the 2 of them whatsoever.  Transitioning to Reid’s house also feels odd.

Page 14 – I also find these scenes incredibly odd.  How in the world could Travis get his pool table from hi basement into Reid’s yard?  I know this is a comedy, but this is beyond ridiculous, IMO.

Page 15 – Hmmm, again, “odd” seems to be the word of the moment for me.  You transition to the “pool table” in a CONTINUOUS time element, but I don’t understand what it is that’s supposedly happening here.  If anything, just use a Mini Slug here to donate that attention is going to the pool table.

“Algernon stands on a pillow, he circles and shivers.” – Hmmm…Algernon is standing on the pillow, yet in the same awkwardly phrased run-on sentence, he is also circling?  That doesn’t make sense.

Page 16 – OK, last time I’ll bring this up, but check this out – “Travis steps in an open pizza box on the floor, he slides right past the swinging doggy door.” – Another run-on sentence.  By using “, he”, it’s incorrect and reads oddly.  Just get rid of “he” and you’re fine.  Do this everywhere you’ve worded a sentence like this.  Not only will you save a useless word, it will read so much better as well.

“swamp of scientific minutia” – Is it just me, or are you purposely phrasing things so oddly like this, throughout the script?  This thing is reading like a novel in many places, based on the colorful phrasings and overwritten detail.  I’d seriously suggest toning all this stuff down, to the point that it’s no longer here at all.

“GENETIC CHAMBER”?  Huh?  Have we seen this yet?  Do we know it exists?  Did I miss something?

Page 17 – OK, as I said before, I’m having serious trouble figuring out who Travis is and what he’s like.  As far as I can tell, whether or not Algernon is his “perfect” dog, he’s all he’s got at this point and this cartoonish grin/laugh/cackle makes him out to be some kind of cartoonish mad scientist now.

MONTAGE – Well, let’s just say I’m not a huge fan of montages such as these.

MOLECULZILLA – No clue what’s going on here now.  No clue what this thing is..or why it’s here.  No clue what the intent is of this thing “speaking” or what we’re supposed to be seeing with the “comic strip word bubbles”.  I’m at a loss…completely.

Page 18 – Serious time element problems going on.  If days are passing, you need to show us with some sort of Slugs, probably Mini’s.  Again, I’m just very lost here.

“A canine voyeur, Algernon, retreats through the doggy door.” – Brett, here’s a perfect example of what’s wrong here.  Why would you choose to word this sentence like you did?  It’s just “odd”.

Page 19 – Wow...your new scene in the driveway has some interesting writing going on, to say the least.

“Work boots clunk onto the pavement, jeans stuffed into them.  The name tag on the work shirt reads…“ – So, this is obviously some serious, heavy directing going on.  And don’t get me wrong, in the right place, for the right reason, I’m totally cool with a little directing here and there, but what possible purpose does this serve?  None.  It takes up a heap of space for no reason and just reads “odd” again.  I’m so confused with both the writing choices you’re making, as well as what the Hell is going on and how this would transfer positively to film…I don’t think it will…at all, sorry to say.

Humor is obviously extremely subjective, and I’ve been accused before of not having the same sense of humor that most seem to, but this entire scene with the delivery guy is not even remotely humorous.  Sorry to keep saying this, but it’s just odd to me.

Page 20 – “A glistening Mexican treat drops into the dog bowl. Algernon eats, abandoning his discreet feline tendencies.” – Oh boy, here we go again.  WTF?  “glistening Mexican treat”?  “abandoning his discreet feline tendencies”?  Brett, I’m almost at a loss for words here.  It will be interesting to see what others have to say.  Maybe it’s just me, but I’m seriously getting to the point of giving up here.

So, we’re in a new scene again, back in the man cave, and Travis is eating a burrito, the Moleculzilla thing is speaking through pop up bubbles, and some books are shown and tossed into the trash.  Then, we get this – “Elaborate digital molecule patterns fill the screen…” – So…what screen is this?  I must be missing something completely, cause then, after another 2 days have apparently passed, based on the dialogue bubble things, we get a Mini Slug of “COMPUTER SCREEN”.  ARGH!!

OK, that’s it.  I’m sorry, Brett, but I can’t go on.  I have no idea what’s supposed to be happening, and for the last 9 pages or so, we’ve basically been in the man cave with Travis by himself with this Moleculzilla thing doing God knows what.

This isn’t working for me in any way.  The humor is not remotely funny.  There’s nothing happening that I can remotely relate to, and I’m just completely lost.

I’m sorry, and I apologize if this comes off as harsh.  I really do want to help, but I don’t see how I’m going to be able to without losing what little sanity I have left.

I do wish you the best with this and all your other projects.  Take care.

Hello Brett,

I like the poster. It gives me the feeling of what you want from this script and so I have to say that I honestly think you need to work on the "less is more" aspect.

I found the opening terribly hard to read and I'll give examples.

All of this:

The Tinker Thinker, a scaled replica of Rodin’s famous sculpture made with Tinkertoys, presides over a sea of scientific data spread across a billiards table.

TRAVIS WONDERS (40s), benign features wrapped in a bathrobe, rests his chin on his fist as he watches a spider spin a web.

TRAVIS (V.O.)
Most molecules form a single bond.
The spider anchors the web between a quartet of delicate articulated metal forearms inside a chest high chamber.

TRAVIS (V.O.)
Some can form more than one type of
relationship with each other. And a new stability grows from the union.

The chamber connects to a piecemeal supercomputer littered with drawings of molecule clusters on post-it notes.

A graduation certificate from Yale for Biomedical Sciences and Genetics hangs on the wall. Travis Wonders, Ph.D.

TRAVIS (V.O.)
Molecular resonance occurs when two
or more molecules form a bond that can be linked in multiple ways.

A wall photo. A teenaged Travis wears corduroy pants, flannel button front shirt and a wool cap with ear flaps. He stands next to a red AMC Matador, a hulk of a 70’s sedan.

TRAVIS (V.O.)
Both relationship structures are
valid. But, the scientific truth is a blend of the two bonds.

A grinning blonde teen pokes her out of the Matador’s driver side. She waves a gloved hand at the camera. Wool knit pom poms dangle from the winter glove.

TRAVIS (V.O.)
Resonance describes the bond. It
does not physically manifest. If I could get molecules to do that, then I could save my marriage.

**For me, after I "studied" the first page and felt like I needed a magnifying glass, I boiled it down to:

A scientific dude is in his Macho-Nerd study. (Is it an actual cave?) I imagined it was, but I'm not so sure now. Now I'm thinking I was stupid. Billiard table? I just didn't get it.

If you physically try and read all that out loud, you'll see what I mean.

But again, this scientific dude is in his Macho-Nerd-Study and he wants to save his marriage. He wants to save his marriage. That's what the story's about. Ok, I get that, but it's bogged down and trapped inside of Tinkertoys, and spiders and I don't know what else.

And I would personally like to see the two main characters in real life and not just photographs with some dude who I have no sympathy for yet as a character, giving me a long spiel that I can't understand.

As I carried on, it didn't get any better:

I couldn't establish really where I was in this world.

Writing that was thick like this:

OLD BIDDIES BOOK SHOP - FRONT WINDOW

MINERVA, ELOISE and ROSE (all 80s) glare at Travis, like the witches of
Macbeth hovering over their cauldron.

The trio of octogenarians in matching work smocks stand around a book display illuminated by green floor lights.

The book. Guy’s Guide to Extraterrestrial Nutrition Bliss. “Hometown pride takes self help literature by storm!”

GUY (40s), Old Spice swagger in a turtleneck and corduroy blazer, mugs professoriate on the book cover.

***didn't help me. I have no idea what an Old Spice swagger is. I don't know why emphasis on him right now at all at this stage in the game.

I feel like this is all over the place.

What is the importance of the above mentioned book? Especially since I have no familiarity with the world or the characters and it's overloading my brain.

Even a word like octogenarian is killing the read for me. It's not the word itself, but on top of everything else.

Guys introduction doesn't work for me at all. I think that you have some kind of excellent image in your head, but I just don't know what it means.

Sandra

Read pages 10 - 25. Without repeating what as already been pointed out, I have to concur that you have gone from flirting with vivid descriptions right into serious heavy petting with novelistic prose. The action descriptions are creative, but redundant for a script. Think Bruce Lee, lean and mean. I think you need to go back to your outline and beat sheet and see what the you want out of this story. You have a great concept, you just need to find the right way of executing it.

Update Thurs:

Brett, if you send me the script, I can put notes directly to the PDF. There's just way too much for me to post here.

I picked up today where I left off on p. 24. I was absolutely determined to get to p 50. I only got to page 34, and it took a really long time...and I wasn't taking notes. There are two things that slow the read. First, there are things that I find confusing to figure out and have to reread, sometimes a few times. Second, there are dull patches that combined with the first problem really make it difficult to focus.

As determined as I was, I had to stop at "work at home chicken sexers". I had no idea what a chicken sexer is and had to google it. And it is an interesting job, as it turns out. Are chicken sexers common knowledge? do most people know about them? Maybe I'm not informed enough. But I don't think I've ever had such a difficult time getting through a script. I guess the problem is on my end.

I'm not sure what's going on. Red Sun and Lie Detector are breezy reads, very effective writing. ZP was a little tougher, but mostly do to the ensemble nature and the detailed action. I think you are experimenting with developing a unique style, so we have to be patient. You're a good guy and a great member here, so I'm willing to work through this. You haven't engaged us, though, and I'm not sure how to take that. I am finding getting through this to be work, and if my remarks are not going to help, I can live with that, and I'll return to my own work. If you think my notes can be of value, please send me the PDF so I can put notes directly on it, because this will be time consuming. I consider you a friend, and it's definitely worth making the time available if you think it will help.

Thanks, sincerely
Kev

Hey Guys.

Sorry I haven't posted here sooner.
It's been quite a 24 hours.

I had some funky neurological episode yesterday.
I couldn't remember who or where I was for the scariest ten seconds of my life.
Then followed it up with phantom searing pains and hallucinations.
I'm still having trouble recalling things from recent weeks.
I can barely remember attending the Screenwriting Expo at all.

As to the script, I thought I had put it through some serious paces.
Three full rounds of coverage and five drafts, go figure.
Would've been considerate of them to mention this while giving the script Considers.
Oh well, at least I know what part to tackle first.

Part of it is me experimenting with my voice with a quirky subject matter.
If it wasn't tricky material, I would not have been attracted to it in the first place.
That being said, my voice on the page got away from me and I need to corral it.
No excuses, just execute strategies which lead to solutions.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I;ve got a month to hammer this into shape.

Thanks all for the quick looks and super fast notes.
I know you guys jumped on it because you're looking after "one of your own".
It;s greatly appreciated. Those words seem paltry. But it's all I have right now.
Kev, if you can't utilize this PDF to attach notes, let me know.
Pia, give ZP a read, this one isn't ready for your analytical skills yet. Thanks.

Hopefully, things will realign themselves after a couple days of quiet.
Because, right now, I look at things I know I wrote, but can't recall writing the pages.

Warmest Regards to All,
Brett

Your health is first priority. Take care of yourself. You may have overloaded. A few days off should help a lot, Brett.

EDIT: I don't wish to start a whole coverage debate again, but there are things to consider when using that particular agency. There is some value in their reader's review. But you get what you pay for; and Brian is obviously very aware of and sensitive to his press on simplyscripts, as we know from Wonka's thread.

Hey E.D.

As Kev has already pointed out, you put so much into this forum, giving great advice to all and sundry, and coming across as a gentleman to boot.  You deserve all the reads in the world, and that probably wouldnt cover your input to the boards.

I am going to read the script in full and give you my thoughts.

However, I've read a few pages and can't help but agree with the other posts upto now.

I had to read the first page 4 or 5 times to deconstruct your use of language and long sentences. It's a really difficult start and quite daunting.

There's a chunk of dialogue in-between an insert describing whats in a photo. This is the best example I can give of the initial problems of the opening.  

I find it concerning that this went through three rounds of coverage and wasn't addressed. I'll pop back when I've read the script in full.

Hope you are feeling better.

Mr. Case

Congrats on completing another feature Brett. Hope ur feeling better. Excuse my curt writing. Thisis from my phone.  I'll take a gander at this this weekend.  If I get stumped along the way and stop, I'll let u know why.  In the meantime you should revamp your poster for fun and put all Jeff quotes on it. Lol.  James

James, you A-Hole!  

My nutsack is still aching from your last kick in the balls.  At least give me a couple weeks for the swelling to go down, huh?

On a serious note, Brett, as I said in a PM to you, I hope everything is OK with you and you're recovering from what sounds like a very scary experience.

I bet you and James could even discuss it, cause I'm pretty sure he has the same problem with loss of memory and hallucinations, but for him, I think it's more of a weekly weekend thing...right James?  

We all send our prayers your way, Brett!

Back again. Read a few more pages.

I think I'm missing something. Either that, or I'm going crazy...

Page 5: Montana Tony's illuminates the lot in a burst of neon Italian patriotism that would make Mussolini blush
Inside this restaurant we have a Velvet Tony Monata and his velvet cocaine pile

This is a Scarface reference, right? The De Palma version?

Wasn't he Cuban? Al Pacino's character? Why the Italian theme?

My movie geek radar is picking up all sorts of disturbances...

Tony Montana from Scarface is definitely Cuban.  I didn't get this either, but decided not to bring it up.

Brett,

I don't know what happened to you, but are you eating healthy? Like real food, not junky stuff and fast food?

I can see the hard work you put into the script. You probably worked too hard, if that makes sense.

I too, love the concept. I don't think it needs to be made more difficult than it actually is. Think: easy does it and I think it will go much easier. And don't worry about pleasing anyone. I think that if you're pleasing yourself, you will, by default please others because it shows through in the work.

Try that if you're having trouble and see how it works.

Sandra

Wade gravitates closer to the property line, he holds the
hose waist high while he gawks at Renee’s ass. - I think this scene needs to be setup better. Tell us that Renee and Travis are outside before you intro Wade. I didn't even know they were out there before this line. What are THEY doing?

TRAVIS
Three weeks.

TRAVIS
Honey, do some victory doughnuts. - This should be one dialogue box. Makes it confusing.

I think Renee should've told travis she was leaving the next day when she pushed the wedding picture back through the door. I did like that scene though. Felt real...

I think we need more of a reason for Travis to hate algernon. Expecially a bichon which are supposed to be some of the most docile breed. At least thats what Phil told me when I read Mafia Dogs. I'll take his word for it.

Okay, I made it to page 25 today. Thats where I'm stopping for now. I do think the experiment went on a little long. Took up a good deal of your opening. There's a lot of writing I don't like, but you've heard enough of that.

I would rather see Travis on the verge of a breakthrough before Renee leaves. He begs her to stay. Also, He never talks to her on the phone after she leaves. I felt that odd. You fly through 30 days of experiment. Might want to interject a conversation in there. Maybe she's having a blast in Japan and that motivates him even more?

All in all, so far I thought it was a bit slow, but I'll definitely hit up the next 25 pages soon. Want to see where this goes...

James

Hi Brett, hope all is well since we haven't heard from you in a bit. I got to page 43 and I'm gonna stop there. What i was hoping for here was a great motivating factor pushing Travis to clone his "not dead" wife. If she had died, I would believe it. Then this wouldn't be comedy would it?

The whole blackout and dream sequence thing really threw me for a loop. He just wakes up and she's there. Did like the welfare check during the dream and Guy being there.

Little things put me off like when CLONE WIFE becomes ICE CREAM WIFE on her dialogue boxes. Thats the writer having a bit too much fun IMO. If you're an established pro, go for it. I've seen stuff like that in pro scripts. It annoys the shit out of me. It's like the writers saying "Look how much fun I'm having writing my screenplay and making a fine living at it. Too bad you losers still gotta stick to the rules... Ta ta."

Your first act di drive me to read on, but when you skipped over the reason he cloned his wife at the turn of act two, thats where you lost me. I really think that needs to be explained right then and there. If you get a chance, PM me on what the reasoning is or what really happened.

I was hoping that after Travis' succesful cloning of Algernon, he was gonna take his research to people with money to fund his projects. I thought he would be more excited about his discovery. Then come up with some cockamaimmy reason he needs his wife. Maybe he has to convince a highly religious, family oriented Senator to approve his project at a dinner party. A party he'd better not attend without his wife. Then all hell could break loose as clone wife screws up everything.

Sorry, now I'm completely changing your story, just how my mind works. I wish you best with it. If you give it a major overhaul you can always hit me up for another look.

James

Hey E.D. Hope to see you check in here soon.

Read upto page 40. Here’s some notes I made. I’ll try not to repeat what other members have brought up, unless necessary.

P1 – Opening Slug. Man Cave Lab. I don’t know what this is or what I am supposed to be visualizing. This might be my ignorace, but it’s just not clear to me.

P.2 I don’t know what a 'pong clock' is to be honest. Your writing style gives me a hint to what the tone of the piece is, but the visual elemants are not complimenting it. In fact they are confusing me.

P4 – “mugs professoriate”. I think I know what you are going for with such phrasing, but the fact I have to think about it slows down the read.

P.5 – I’ve mentioned Montana Tony’s already. It could be a cute nod, but if your going to go there the details really need to be spot on. It’s not that big a deal, but references to other movies often take me out of the story at hand and make me think about the movie being referenced. I watch a lot of low budget horror flics, and I see constant references to other movies. Most of the time, the movies being referenced are superior. It only serves to make want to put that movie on my DVD player rather than the one I am currently watching. I’m in the minority with this opinion, though.

P9. The food descriptions, then they “marvel at the culinary mutants”. This just didn’t work for me at all. Stuff like this is taking up a lot of space and I’m not getting the humour.

At this point, if I hadnt read the logline and seen the poster I would be struggling to grasp what kind of movie this actually is. After being blinded by the science in the opening scene, I’m now being tested by all the fancy food.

P11 --  “[ ] please check this box if you want to save our marriage”. This is brilliant. The best line in the script so far. A simple visual trick that tugs the heartstrings. More of this, please!

P.17 – there’s a montage. I remember when you did a really long series of shots in Zombie Playground. I didn’t like that there and I don’t like this montage, either. It’s a personal issue but considering the detail in the script thus far I’m not sure why you would employ this technique now.

General note: Please forgive me if I missed something. But the dog acting like a cat isnt really working for me. I just don’t get the humour.  

P26 – 30. Stig pops round for dinner. This lasted four pages and not sure how it moves us forward.

The clone wife dream sequence does have some interesting visual elemant. But then the real clone wife is introduced really abruptly. For me, this should be your “Bride of Frankenstein” reveal moment. With all the bells and whistles that comes with such a reveal. It should be dramatic. Like when Kelly Le Broc reveals herself in ‘Weird Science”.

Or when we first see “Frankenhooker”.

And on that note, I will shut up…

Hey Brett.

Took a read through the first 54 pages for now.  Gotta go make dinner and I'll finish reading it tonight.  I'll just give you a quick overview of my thoughts so far.

Wow, was the beginning tough to get through.  Extremely tough.  Tons and tons of needless description that, if this were written as a novel, might work.  Might work.  But since this is a script, a lot of it is unnecessary, making it almost a chore to read and visualize at the same time.  I'm trying to concentrate on what the scene looks like and what's going on and you're talking about Mussolini being proud.  Totally took my concentration away.  A lot of times that happened.  And the octogenarians?  I thought they were part of some Halloween display stirring a pot of boiling potion or something.

Most of the humor in the story is in your descriptions, which means the humor isn't going to translate very well to film.  Remember, in a comedy, your characters have to be funny.  Not you.  Look for the comedy in your characters, not on the written page.

There is a good story working here, and the pace is picking up for me now, but I don't think it's necessarily been pulled off so far.  It has the feel of that movie with Ben Stiller and Jack Black in it.  'Greed'.  Or 'Envy', maybe.  I forget the name of it.

It has some good moments in it so far, but a lot of it is just exposition and I'm waiting to get to the heart of the great storyline you have.

I'll talk to you after dinner...

- Mark

All right.  Just finished it.

You did cut down on the extremely heavy descriptions towards the end.  Somewhat.  There were still some extreme examples I can site here and there that seem to be a little ridiculous.

For instance, talking about the Star Trek away team on a hostile planet that you referenced while they were walking into a restaurant.  That got me thinking about Star Trek instead of concentrating more on your story and the dinner going on.

There's just a little too much weird stuff going on and it's detracting from the main storyline I think you should stick with.  It kind of seems like you wrote this in hopes Tim Burton might want to take a crack at filming this one.  And I don't think that style is working for this type of story.

Guy is never used to his potential as an antagonist and he seems like a waste of space.  And he's annoying.  He never even propelled the story forward.  He just sat there and ogled Clone Wife, then returned later in the story for some reason just to make some joke about cloning Renee also.  He never ante'd up the stakes for Travis.  In fact, he and Wade seemed like the same character.

And the pregnancy was really confusing.  Clone wife's been around for a couple days, then all of a sudden, Renee comes back and Clone Wife all of a sudden has a big belly.  Did I miss a huge time jump somewhere or a '9 months later' SUPER?  I hope I wasn't focusing too much on Star Trek still or thinking about the witches in Macbeth you were talking about earlier and I missed it.

At the core, there's a good story here, but it seems like you might have hid it in a bunch of weird special effects and strange going's on.  We never really get to delve into Travis, Renee, or Clone Wife as characters, really.

Your story really doesn't get going until he actually clones Renee.  That's when my interest kicked in.  Everything else before that, when you were supposed to be setting up Travis and Renee's relationship, it just seemed you were setting up for weird things to happen.

You still had great moments between the characters, and you do have the makings of a story that could make an impact, but I think you have to delve into and focus on the story more, and not just the peculiar inventions in the story, or a clever way to describe your scenes that kind of only lost and confused me, or took me totally off track.  I found myself having to go back and reread things over and over to just get the jist of it.

Like I said, there are brilliant flashes of something that could be a great story here, but it's a little too cooky as it is now, and my mind's focusing on the cooky things instead of the story.

Hope this helps.

- Mark

***STATUS UPDATE ON ME***

Thanks for all the notes with well wishes, they're appreciated.
I should return to work by the end of the week.
It is mostly stress related. 80 hour work weeks since April.
It was causing arterial inflammation in my brain.
Which can cause temp memory loss and crippling migraines.
Most people tend work less when self employed at home.
I never know when to quit.

Have a good week guys!

Regards,
E.D.

***NEW STATUS UPDATE ON ME***

Forgive me for using this thread for a personal update.
I don't think my health status merits starting a new thread.

Long story short, I'm on the mend.
I went through severe arterial inflammation of the brain.
My memory has pretty much been restored.
Apparently, I was suffering from this growing condition while writing this script.
The inflammation has been building for several weeks.
It causes lapses in judgement, short temper, poor performance, etc.
Even thinking about it now, it gives me pause with some minor pains.

The plan was to rest through the long holiday weekend and go from there.

HOWEVER...

***SCRIPT STATUS UPDATE***

I got a big hit from the Sherwood Oaks Producer/Summit I went to two weeks ago.
And I mean he's a BIG HIT. This producer is pretty epic.
He's produced films for some of my favorite directors at the peak of their powers.
Altman. Peckinpah. Carpenter. Badham.

His Head of Development sent me a note yesterday.
This producer wants to read Clone Wife, himself. O_O

It would be bad form to make him wait two weeks, so I'm gonna cram this weekend.
Rework the entire action description parts from stem to stern.
Hopefully with a less swollen brain, I can root out a lot of issues on the page.

This is by far the biggest name that's shown interest in my work.
This is why I live in L.A., my friends.
All I did was pay $99 for an event to hear him and other fine producers chat.
Attendees get to give their "leave behind" to these big names, but don't pitch them.
$99 well spent.

I'll go through everyone;s notes as best I can over the weekend.
But I can't make him wait and I can't send this out, as is.
So, I'm going to fudge my "return to work date" and get cracking!
Thanks for all the great input guys, I'll try not to let you down!

Regards to All,
E.D.

P.S.
Did I miss any contributing member script uploads this week?
I've got Mark's new feature and Janet's new short in my non-work queue.
Did Ryan post a new draft of Will to Live yet? *pokes Ryan*

Hey Brett -

Already read the script, but was planning to wait until you were feeling better, before overloading you again.  If there's a deadline, though...  My notes are at home, will email you my thoughts once I'm back - late, late tonight...!

Cheers,

-J

Finished just now, Brett. If you access the link I gave you, you will have the notes on the script.

This was a very tough read for me for a lot of reasons, starting with the fact that I am really not a rom com guy. It also occurred to me this week, reading another rom com, that one of the problems with rom coms is that we know the ending. Always. I mean, the happy couple always gets together at the end, don't they? So at least with your rom com, we can't say for sure. Or at least there is some doubt, since the happy couple is kind of two happy couples.

Some questions I would have: Has Travis learned anything, I mean besides don't clone your wife? Are the problems between  Travis and Renee solved? Is it because they have a baby now? Clone wife is ok with giving up not only Travis, but her baby?

Hard for me to form an opinion on the marketability of the story. As with time travel stories, there are real logical issues to be worked out here. You zip someone 9 years into the future, it isn't going to be long before they figure it out. Her husband and family are 9 years older, the news on TV and in the paper is different, technological things have changed, as well as style things and cars. Hell, the stuff in the house like movies and CDs would be different.  Maybe this stuff doesn't matter in a comedy. Maybe.

You're experimenting with your writing style, and that's cool, I think people understand. I think you need to tone it back to the older Brett style, if nothing else for the sake of clarity. Ease into your new style gradually.

Good luck with the pitch.
Kevin

Finished. Don't know how much of this can help since your trying to cram all this in the weekend. Good luck with that.

Here's what I came up:

I think you need to show Travis getting the idea of cloning Renee. The eureka moment that he should have "I can...clone renee". Hope this makes sense. It wasn't clear for me. Granted you show Algernoon cloned, but I can't recall    Very cliche

Also, the backstory should be developed more. I think opening the script with the failed pregnancy might be sufficient enough to set the tone. You have to establish that early on since that's your crux.

Furthermore, Clone Renee should stay. I felt sad when she leaves. She can help babysit.

Finally, I think Travis and Guy get too chummy too quickly. Develop their friendship early on. Show Guy thinking he's friends with Travis, and Travis thinking otherwise.

Hope this makes sense. If not, ask. Good Luck. Hope you get better. Keep us updated.
Gabe

I just wanted to comment on that opening with the dog. That is funny and cute at the same time. lol. Will read this as quickly as possible.


Gabe

Brett

As promised I have had a re read on the new draft, up to page 49 ( this is from notes taken)

First off it reads much, much better. Big improvement. It flows well, the characters are easier to understand and there is a better balance to the order.

The laughs are clearer but there is still the opportunity for a bit more as you continue to fine tune. In particular you have started well with algereron but maybe there are a few extras to squeeze out in the interaction between them. As this is light hearted I think you can push the relationship.

Like Gabe the first page is a far stronger start as well as easier to read. Others will give you a more detailed read but here are a few comments;

P2 his speech on facts seems a bit in your face
Part of the  travis character which you should milk is the geek who can't communicate. The interaction with wade could be used to highlight this further. Maybe he could talk to the robot as well as his dog.
Why does the chain saw amputate the y?
P5 Tony Montana description seemed heavy
P6 etymology?
P6 Oskar description - my note is decryption is heavy, can't remember
Travis story to algereon about child. Perhaps too much on the nose, a bit more visual?
P14 algeron scratches at door, then sits on his chest. Just wondered if this needs a bit more clarity of how one leads to the other
P19 the production of clone al just seems a bit sudden. Could the previous experiments get closer to success, or some progress, possibly resulting in some mess to clean( other than goo) but giving the impression it's closer? Maybe an accident with some food?
P32 talks too much to himself?

Standing back, the beauty with this idea is that it gives you various options with humour such as the change in time ( think back to the future) the trying to hide the wife, or secrets, (farce style) and the first flush of love and the stupid things people do.

It will be interesting to see where this goes as I didn't read the whole last time.

All the best.

I was afraid to go back, I really was. But I opened up, and sweet, the first page has been reconstructed, and is dramatically improved! Flows nice and easy, images come quick to the reader and are clear. I am assuming this improvement reflects similar adjustments throughout the work, so I will take another look soon. But so far so good as far as the improved read, good job.

Hello, hello. Back from the first draft and just a little past Act I in the second.

Hmm... I'm not sure what you did, exactly, but indeed, as Kevin said, this was a lot easier to read than the last draft. I read 60+ pages of that sucker and at times, I felt like I was trudging through descriptions, leaving me quite lost in the story at times. Not only that but you had some strange ideas (e.g. Molecule-zilla) that ended up wreaking havoc on your format somehow (the WORD BUBBLE dialogue was peculiar, to say the least). Obviously, you cut this down, to say the least, but it really does read like a completely different script. I can tell you rewrote this from scratch.

Honestly, I'm breezing through this so far. Already, this is a massive improvement.

But I digress. Onto the story...

I suppose what we get from Travis and Renee's relationship prior to their separation is a bit sparse, even with the fact that there's obviously been some growing apart, but I think you got the basics down. Without spelling it out, I got the sense that Renee'd grown a little weary of Travis and that his work likely played a major part in that. Obviously, he's wrapped up in it, rendering him a little forgetful. It's kind of a classic setup without being too forced. For the sake of basic storytelling, so far, so good.

A quick note. I'd be careful of how far you take Travis's preoccupation with his work in future rewrites. His character's fine for now but the danger in these kinds of setups (that is to say, the scientist who's on the verge of a huge discovery who's work occasionally interferes with the rest of his life) is that the main character can easily come off as neglecting and inconsiderate when they're supposed to be quirky and imperfect in a sympathetic way. Though it doesn't hurt your character now (and I don't see any signs of it hurting him in the future), I figured I'd bring this up just so you keep it in mind whenever you come back to this script.

I tend to get a little long winded when I address this kind of stuff so I recommend you check out the Nostalgia Critic's review of Flubber to get a better sense of what I'm talking about. Basically, Robin Williams' character in that film is just a huge jerk that they try to pass off as a sweet but bumbling goof.

But again... I digress...

Renee's reveal works way better this time. The first time around, she was way too apologetic. Her leaving Travis didn't feel as crushing to the guy. This time, it's much more of a blow. Good job.

Unfortunately, Travis's breakthrough suffers this time around. You went from an overblown build up to almost completely skimming over it. I mean all the Molecule-zilla stuff came to be way too much. But I liked the build up in percentage on the computer, which is absent this time. It gave the audience something to anticipate. I'd bring that element back.

Also, when Clone Al comes out, Travis's reaction is just way too downplayed. I mean, maybe he was expecting it but the magnitude of his success doesn't seem to hit him at all. I mean, he's happy but more in the way someone would be if they struck a really nice shot in gulf. It's like "Yes! Great! ...moving along..." No good, man. The whole sequence needs more drama.

I'm leaving off where Travis is doing a lot of talking to himself. That very movie-ish completely unrealistic talking to one's self. Fortunately, I think your setup yields a solution. Just a suggestion but why not have Travis be able to communicate verbally with his computer? I don't mean have the computer be self aware or talk back. More along the lines of cell phone voice commands. Then you can have him talk to himself until he's blue in the face. Worked in Cronenberg's The Fly and that's the greatest movie ever made.

Anyway, I'm out for now. Will be back with more review later...

Okay, read the first 32 pages.  Now glancing at some of the earlier comments, it looks like you significantly streamlined the writing, which is always a good thing.

Starting on page one, I'm wondering where Travis obtained all this equipment and how exactly he got it into his basement.  Supercomputers and "genetic chambers" are items that I'm guessing would run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars if not more.  Where does Travis get the funding for this?  I suppose if he was independently wealthy, I could buy it, but it sounds like he lives in a modest house and neighborhood.

In "The Fly" they explained away Goldblum's warehouse lab by saying he was funded by a corporation.  

Why does Travis not have a job if he's this brilliant?  Maybe he's an underappreciated genius, whose theories are simply too radical for mainstream science.  But, it seems you really need to explain why this guy does nothing except play around all day in a basement lab(which doesn't seem like the best place for a genetic experiments, btw.  Kinda hard to keep a sterile environment.)  What about having another separate structure on the property, like in the backyard, converted into a lab?

Montana Tony's.  Is there any reason you don't just call it Tony Montana's?  With all the velvet Tony Montana's in the restaurant, it would seem like a better fit.

p 6.  Didn't really get the notes on the take out menus joke.

p.7  When Astrid says: "Why you traded in theprom king for your science tutor is
still a mystery to me."  That's a brutal, humiliating swipe at Travis right in his face.  and he does...nothing.  No reaction at all.  Just a line about other prom queens being available.  To me this shows a character without a backbone who allows his mother in law to trample over him.  Renee's reasoning to leave the guy seems a little more apparent after that incident, but its still hazy.

p 8. "aides" should be aids.

p 9.  Oskar's line "Flight's tomorrow morning" ssems like it should have been said by Renee.

Renee:  "I woke up."  Ouch.  But, what exactly made her wake up?  We just don't have enough insight into their relationship right now to understand this breakup.

The "check this photo" scene is a good one.  

p 10  Is the hair taped next to the photo?  Maybe a line of explanation as to why it's there.

On page 11, Travis tells us about the lost baby, but since it's pure exposition, it doesn't have much power behind it.  Maybe if they still had some baby clothes that they had picked out.  I think having a baby item such as a tiny sock or shirt laid out in the album would hold more dramatic weight.

Okay, on page 12, we read that "Travis and Algernon look out a bay window as Renee's cab drives away."  In the very next scene, Wade sees the pool table in his backyard.  First question, how would Travis be able to haul a pool table from his basement to Wade's backyard by himself?

Next question:  When Wade walks over to Travis' backyard, we see that "Travis hasn't shaved in weeks."  How does this timing work out?  Renee said she was leaving for Tokyo the very next day.  How does Travis now have weeks of growth on his beard?

Funny scene having the clone dog dry hump himself.

Stig has a way of talking like a Swedish Frankenstein at times.  Like here:
We open the doors. People come in
and sit down. They eat things I
make. Give us money, then leave.

Are the Magnusson's supposed to be from Sweden?  Because at times I got the feeling Stig's command of English "not so good."

If Travis was this lovelorn it seems like he would have jumped at the chance to talk to Renee when she calls Stig.  Maybe a final word from her here could finally convince Travis that he has no shot at all at reconciling with his wife and this convinces him to go ahead with the cloning experiment.  Because, it is incredibly unethical after all, cloning someone without their permission.  Something has to drive Travis to that point of desperation.

I understand what you were going for with the line "Hello, flour. I miss you." on 26.  
But I think this would actually be a little confusing if you were watching the movie.  A lot of people would think Travis was saying "flower."

Good visual with supercomputer integrated with pipe organ.  The nightmare did go a bit too long, IMO.

p 32

TRAVIS
This is it. This is my chance. All
the same experiences in a new body
of possibilities. I've created a
get-out-of-divorce free card. This
is my flour!

Once again, I think the word "flour" would be confusing here.  And this dialogue really sounded on the nose.  You're telling us what we already know, because the previous paragraph explained the nine year old dna twist.  I think Travis cracking a wry smile would actually work better here.

Okay, so far got some mixed feelings on this one.  On one hand, it seemed like you were trying to base the science on real actual techniques and theories, but having Clone Wife appear was just hard for me to buy.  Someone brought up the Weird Science comparison, and that's certainly what this seemed like.  Of course with a whacky comedy like that, logic ain't a big concern.

And, I wanted to know more about how Renee and Travis' relationship went sour.  They broke up so quickly in this script, it's hard to even picture them as a couple.

So, I'll be interested to see how the clone wife impacts Travis life and the rest of the plot.

Brett, my faith in you is restored. Got through the first act in minutes this time. Night and day difference. You really worked hard to rewrite this, and that can be tough to do for a lot of reasons, but hats off and thumbs up. So far all of the issues I recall from before have been fixed and fixed skillfully. I'm still a little unsure about the Cuban/Italian Montanna Tony's, but that's the least of issues. You even got rid of the alien cookbook! Sweet!

At least based on the first third, this reads like a breeze now. Nice job.

“HONEY, I CLONED THE WIFE”


Really liking it so far.

Awesome title.  This is a title bound to turn on Hollywood pros.  Two words, two syllables even!  The whole plot is evident immediately.  This is the definition of “high-concept” and it’s worth its weight in gold.  


Page 11, We should see him writing on the back of the photo, but not what he writes.  Let that mellow for awhile.  We don’t find out what it says until SHE reads it.

Page 12:  Band Aids is a proper name of a product.  Generic is bandages, or adhesive bandages.

Page 12:  Still like it a lot.  Starting to think of ways to shorten it.  Why does she want to break up with him in front of her whole family?  I mean, some of the family stuff is really funny.  “Let’s drink wine so we don’t have to talk so much.”  That’s funny.  But seriously, what would make a woman do that?  Fear?  He doesn’t seem like the threatening type.  

These kind of break up scenes are really fun to write, and sort of mine the depths of emotion present…but your call.  

Plus, again only a time saver, if we saw:

a. The picture
b. The check box question
c. The wedding ring.

We could parse every bit of this scene in two seconds.

As a rule, (I’ve heard) it’s always better to show than it is to say.

Pg 12:  Extension cord, lol.

Pg 14.  Is Algernon a cat?  Earlier you said he nudged somebody.  Cats nudge.  Dogs leap on.  Dogs don’t cough up hair balls either.  They lick their butts, of course.  But hey, who wouldn’t?

Pg 17, Drops a burrito in the dog bowl, lol.

Pg 18, When he’s alone he should just be talking to the dog instead of v.o. or typing.

Pg 19, The hollywood cliché is to have a long exterior shot showing weird lights emanating from inside the house.

Pg 21, I’m having a hard time understanding why Stig is being so nice to his soon to be former brother in law.  These people usually just forget they knew each other.

Pg 24, My interest is flagging.  If this is a movie about a guy who clones his wife you are in violation of the 20-page rule.  She should be cloned by page 20.  Instead I’m getting a visit that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  

By the way these are notes that occur to me at the time, not after I’ve finished the whole thing.  Real time.  Hells yeah!  Real time.

Pg 25.  Hello flour.  Is funny on the page but people are likely to hear Hello, flower.  Unless, they remember the earlier scene.  

Pg 28.  Completely out of character that the guy would leave the experiment while it is going on so he could go upstairs and have his little dream sequence.  If you feel like you need to keep it he should at least be sleeping at the console.

Pg 32.  Sequencing remark is too on the nose.

On the nose dialog continues down the page.  Really bad.

Pg 36.  Interest flagging a little again.  Where is the conflict?  She came out perfect?  Honestly dude, I think the guy would be trying to just bang her.  Personally, a nine-year younger version of my wife would be much the turn on.  

Stephen King cloned some kids in ‘Pet Semetery’ and they were homicidal maniacs.  In the movie, ‘multiplicity’ the clones were progressively stupider.  

Shouldn’t she stink?  Or be dumb?  Or crazy?  Or, funny if she is exactly the same and she wants to leave him too.  Something.  Got to get this story moving.  It is a critical juncture.

The ‘Clone Wife’ identifier is over used on page 38.  Can’t it just be ‘she’ sometimes?

Pg 41.  Spine tingling on top of page 41.  Wow.  What a twist.  Just the right amount of clue.  Not overdone.  Could be close there.  Nice job.

However, too much description of the ice cream place.  I’d just call it “Ice Cream Joint” and be done with it.  Do the people who work there rate more than server 1 and server 2?  Slows me down.

Pg 46.  I can think of a lot funnier stuff Stig could be saying here.  He seems almost non-plussed which sort of hurts the script.  Can’t we raise the stakes as he threatens to go to the cops, or the FBI, or whatever?  Maybe he reacts to her like she’s a ghoulish monster, but she just thinks she has bad breath or something like that.

Pg 52.  A regular mom would probably think that Travis had drugged her, or threatened her, or something like that.  She’d be extremely suspicious.

Pg 56 is a good example of idiotic self help speak.  Reminds me of ‘Up in the Air’ with George Clooney.  The movie was so so, but the script was amazing.

Pg 57.  What’s botox, lol.

What is a frosted stromboli.  Can’t you make this joke without specifically identifying the food?

Pg 57.  Everybody is drinking a lot of wine?  No.  They may ‘still’ be drinking.  Or ‘continuing’ to drink.  But lots of wine?  That means they are guzzling while the camera roll which is probably not what you mean.

Pg 57.  There is no scrod, lol.  I bet only about 1 in 20 people get that.

Is that mist?  Or steam?

Okay, I guess it’s mist.

Pg 59.  Unfortunately, you kind of step on the prawn visual joke because we already saw the prawns in the kitchen earlier.  

Pg 60.  Nitpicky, I’m sure, but most of these reunions are in hotels and stuff, not really in the school gym anymore.

Pg 60.  “Plays a slow tune.”  I’m glad you don’t try to name the song.  Waste of time and amateurish.  But, it’s okay to say, “some 80’s slow tune” or something like that.

Oh, spelled iPod right, too.  Most people will get that wrong too.

Hoss should be in caps.

Pg 65.  Doesn’t she still have a key?

The scum bag comment seems a little out of character for Clone Wife.  She seems pretty easy going so far.  Wouldn’t she just be assuming there is a reasonable explanation for all of this?

Pg 71.  I’m feeling like I’m missing out on the French Farce thing.  I’m wishing there was a sequence that shows the two of them to Mom and Dad and Stig, and Guy or something where nobody realizes there are actually two of them.  Did you already think of this and dismiss it as too cliché?

Pg 79.  Funny here if somebody was trying to explain to the old biddies the difference between clones and zombies.  Because the old ladies don’t calm down around her until they get this bit sorted out.

Pg 82.  Still find myself wishing for more of a ticking clock motif here.  Why isn’t anybody (Guy?  Wade?) calling the cops to turn up the heat on the guy.  

Pg 93.  Typo:  “It’s not fault.”

In summation.  I really liked this script a lot.  Zils better than 95% of the dreck on this site.  Strong, fun, easy to understand premise.

Thoughtfully executed.  Several very funny (lol) moments plus a bunch of light laughs too.  

Spot on formatting, with just an extremely few changes I’d make.  

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Like the poster, especially the tag line. Definitely has a very, very sellable vibe to it. Not sold on the title.

Hey Rick,

The industry folk at Sherwood Oaks agreed with you.
And a couple said they weren't sure about the title.
But all agreed it's a title that provoked a strong reaction.
I'd say about 80% responded well to the title.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from leitskev I also think I understand some of what has caused the problem here with the writing. When, as new writers, we start writing, we tend to overwrite, use asides, too much dialogue. We learn how to strip that down to the bare bones, become ultra efficient. Then, we start trying to build some writing back, develop a style. I think this is part of that process, and it's only your third feature, so everyone should be patient. Ok, I have work to do. Getting behind schedule. I will be back to this and post here as an edit.

Hey Kevin.

Thanks for the Herculean effort you put forth on the old draft.
I did a poor job of managing my time while writing this particular draft.
I was getting into the swing of working in development with a producer.
And I thought that I could squeak this one out there. Boy, was I wrong.

So, I tool the bulk of October to rectify that mistake, from scratch.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Dreamscale Hey Brett, I see you have a new script up and already have coverage and a poster.  You move fast my friend.

Hey Jeff,

Thanks for your expansive notes.
I wasn't ready. I should've been more thorough.
Sure, I was multitasking my brains out, but it's no excuse for that draft.

Thanks for the PM about the new fresh draft.
I'm glad you felt I turned it around in the new pages you checked out.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Brett, congrats on finishing another feature!! Since I was going to give ZP another look, would you rather me read this one?

Give the new fresh draft of Clone Wife a gander when you can. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Hello Brett, I like the poster. It gives me the feeling of what you want from this script and so I have to say that I honestly think you need to work on the "less is more" aspect. I found the opening terribly hard to read and I'll give examples. Sandra

Hey Sandra,

Thanks for opening this up.
I wasn't ready and y'all deserve better from me.
I went back to the drawing board, wrote a fresh draft from scratch.

Hope you wouldn't mind looking at it some time. Thanks.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Eoin Read pages 10 - 25. Without repeating what as already been pointed out, I have to concur that you have gone from flirting with vivid descriptions right into serious heavy petting with novelistic prose. The action descriptions are creative, but redundant for a script. Think Bruce Lee, lean and mean. I think you need to go back to your outline and beat sheet and see what the you want out of this story. You have a great concept, you just need to find the right way of executing it.

Hey Eoin,

Thanks for cracking open this beast.
I'm very excited by the concept, hope I can do better.
This wasn't ready for a variety of reasons, all my fault. Except the medical stuff.
I took most of October to rework the script from scratch.
So, I went back to my note cards and cork board, started over.

Hope you wouldn't mind taking a gander at the new pages. Thanks.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from B.C. Hey E.D. As Kev has already pointed out, you put so much into this forum, giving great advice to all and sundry, and coming across as a gentleman to boot.  You deserve all the reads in the world, and that probably wouldnt cover your input to the boards. However, I've read a few pages and can't help but agree with the other posts upto now. I had to read the first page 4 or 5 times to deconstruct your use of language and long sentences. It's a really difficult start and quite daunting. Hope you are feeling better. Mr. Case

Hey Mr. Case,

Thanks muchly for the kind sentiment and the read.
I just treat contributing members here the way I want to be treated.

I boned it on this draft, hopefully I've made amends with the new fresh draft.
I'd appreciate your thoughts on the new pages. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from B.C. Wasn't he Cuban? Al Pacino's character? Why the Italian theme? My movie geek radar is picking up all sorts of disturbances...

Thanks for pointing that out.
You'll see I address this very point in the fresh draft.
As a matter of fact, it becomes a "runner" in the new version. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Brett, I don't know what happened to you, but are you eating healthy? Like real food, not junky stuff and fast food? I can see the hard work you put into the script. You probably worked too hard, if that makes sense. I too, love the concept. I don't think it needs to be made more difficult than it actually is. Think: easy does it and I think it will go much easier. And don't worry about pleasing anyone. I think that if you're pleasing yourself, you will, by default please others because it shows through in the work. Try that if you're having trouble and see how it works. Sandra

Hey Sandra,

Yes, I do eat very well. I cook fresh foods. Eat salad every day, etc.
I also take supplements to boost my pokey metabolism.
And since I started writing, I power walk four miles a day.
Combine all that with two years of screenwriting, I've lost 70 pounds.

The arterial inflammation in my brain was stress related.
I've since taken steps to alter my schedule. Things have evened out.
I wasn't managing my time well between writing and working in development.
And couple that with a disastrous debut for Clone Wife, kinda put me over the edge.

I took the bulk of October to rework my schedule and the script.
But, the fresh draft of Clone Wife is up now and things are back on track. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from jwent6688 I would rather see Travis on the verge of a breakthrough before Renee leaves. He begs her to stay. Also, He never talks to her on the phone after she leaves. I felt that odd. You fly through 30 days of experiment. Might want to interject a conversation in there. James

Hey James,

Thanks for the suggestion.
Since you dived into the fresh draft already, you can see I took this idea to heart.

Regards,
E.D.

Okay, picking back up on 33.  Is that a typo where it says "Algernon balks?"  I thought maybe you meant barks.

I know this a rom-com with a fantastical element to it, but I have to admit a certain logic problem jumps out at me.  Wouldn't clone wife take one look at Travis and see that he's nine years older?  Wouldn't that be a rather startling sight, considering she thinks it's nine years earlier and she simply was sleepwalking and woke up naked in the lab?  And the same logic can apply to her clothes in the closet.  Wouldn't she look around and think "am I losing my mind?  When did I buy any of this?"

You do address the technology factor when she looks at Swann's cell phone, but wouldn't Clone Wife notice how different all the cars look when she and Travis go out to buy ice cream?

p. 34 "Stig's just going to eat you up"  Seems like you need a reaction from Travis right here.  He's so happy over the success of the experiment and seeing Renee again, that the ramifications of what he's done hasn't hit him yet.  A look of "oh
sh!t" when she mentions Stig might work there.

Typo on 36  SWANN "How long have you know him?"

Typo on 37  CLONE WIFE "Oh, I think it would be wonderful
to catch up with, Guy."  no comma needed after with.

I'm wondering now if you should give Clone Wife an actual name.  Constantly reading "Clone Wife" just gets sort of cumbersome after awhile.  Maybe a nickname based off of Renee?  Like in Splice they called her "Dren."  

Good match cut on 41 from clone wife to Renee.

p 46.  Again, wouldn't Clone Wife find it very strange that Stig also looks nine years older?  Don't mean to harp on this point, but I can tell this is gonna be a problem for me.

p 47.  I do like how Travis spilled his guts to Stig.  And Clone wife overhears it.  Good.  I'm glad you're not stretching this clueless clone wife too far.  But, I didn't buy her reaction when she hears Travis say that she's a clone.  

"Clone Wife looks hurt, then furious"

Just seemed like the wrong words there.  Shocked, astounded, disbelieving, crushed"  More along those lines.  I mean, she just learned she's a freakin' clone.  That would be a headspinner.

But now I like the fact that Clone Wife knows the truth, and seems to plotting some chicanery of her own.

p 53  "You mean fifteenth."  Just a little confused as to how much clone wife knows at this point.  She knows she's a clone, but hasn't figured out it's 2011?   It's just at this point, she's seen her parents who look ten years older and undoubtedly new cars and all sorts of "advanced technology."  She must have figured it out by now, right?

The pacing of the story seems to have really slowed since we got to the book store and onto the restaurant.

I like that Stig got some revenge on Guy, although, the shellfish phobia was set up so overtly, the prawns didn't come as much of a surprise.  

p 61 "25 years? They got it wrong."  Man, I'm starting to think clone wife's brain didn't quite gel correctly.  It really seems like she would have figured it out by now.

End on 62 for now.  So, you didn't take this in the direction I was expecting once clone wife learns she's a clone.  I thought she was furious and was going to plan on doing something to Travis either at the book signing or the restaurant.  But, she didn't do much during these last thirty pages.

Like I mentioned, these last pages felt kind of bogged down and those logic issues kept bothering me.  It just feels right now that the story isn't exploiting its solid premise to its full potential.

But, I'm hoping for some fireworks when Renee shows back up.

And finished.  Okay, I see my assumption was wrong that clone wife learned she was a clone before.  So, what exactly was she so hurt and furious about on p. 47?  Because, those feeling were never shown at any time during the rest of the evening.

So picking up on 63.  The story continues with this languid pace as we hit the playground scene.  The cul-de-sac donut scene was amusing, but kinda strange happening at the crack o' dawn.  

p 65.  You tell us Travis and Clone Wife are sleeping in the bed.  Seems like a missing scene here.  He's got the younger, hotter Renee.  They're going to bed for the first time since he cloned her.  Is Travis gonna bang her or not?  Does he have some last minute crisis of conscience over whether he should or not?  After that romantic night, they just sort of took a snooze.  I thought this was the moment Travis was waiting for.

Didn't get the meaning of Travis' line on 68:  "If I wasn't a scientist, would you
still have married me?"  Why does this make Renee tear up and want to puke?

p 70 "jaw spar"  never heard that one.

Wasn't sure exactly why Officer Pitt was issuing another citation on 72.

Very interesting twist when Renee realizes that she was pregnant at the time the hairs were taken.  But...would this automatically mean the clone is pregnant?  Hmm, I'm not sure of the science there, but since it's a comedy I think we can let it go.  However, I think at the very least you should have Clone Wife take a pregnancy test to verify.  This isn't just something you would assume, considering the rather bizarre situation.

p 74  think you might have a typo at the top where you have Renee say "What?"  Seems like that line was meant for Travis.

The wives go from nearly clawing their eyes out to being buddies pretty fast there.

With Wade, I felt like he didn't do much at all in this story.  I had high hopes for him at the beginning, as he was obviously crushing on Renee.  I thought you might make him a nutty, horndog Quagmire character.  But, on the rare occasions he does show up, he's more of a sounding board for Travis to vent on.

p 77 looks like Astrid's dialogue is missing a word when she says "And we know all too well that gets harder, as we get older."  sounded like you meant to have the word "life" in there.

Gotta say, all the people in the Old Biddies shop seem unbelievably unimpressed that there is a genuine human clone standing among them.  I mean, there's just no reaction from them at all.  They give Clone Wife an apron and put her to work.  It just stretches credibility beyond the breaking point, IMO.

The script is really lagging in the tension department.  I was hoping once Renee and Clone Wife took off in the car, there might be some interesting Thelma and Louise type spin.

Sorry, but I didn't buy the sudden and inexplicable Guy-Travis bonding scene.  No way.  Guy also seems so cavalier about the whole successful human cloning thing.  Travis has made one of the greatest breakthroughs in the history of science and these people are acting like he discovered the cure for jock itch or something.

So, I'm on page 84, I see there are only about 12 pages left in the story and we have a three page pictionary scene.  This is where the story should be boiling out of control, but everything has a very tepid feel to it.  

At the playground scene, Clone Wife has forgiven Travis?  Why?

I wasn't sure what they were all doing in that motel room or what Travis would have a royalty check from.

I liked the nailed cell phone the first couple times you used it.  But, I think you finally went to that well once too often with the college classroom scene.

Good line on 93
RENEE
I'm having a baby! Drive!

But why exactly would Renee be Lamaze breathing on the race to the hospital?  

p 95 Another use of "balks."  That's number three in the script.  Every time I read that, I think of a pitcher on the mound.

Question about the baby:  why would anything be different about it this time?  It wasn't strong enough to survive the first birth, and it's DNA is exactly the same, why would it be born strong and healthy this time?

It's an undeniably cool scene with older Renee helping her younger self through the birth, though.

Didn't buy clone wife giving up her baby.  I just can't see a woman giving up her baby that easily, even if she is gving it up to herself.  I thought she loved Travis.  Why is she leaving?  And if she's leaving, doesn't she finally deserve a name?  Maybe use her middle name?

TRAVIS (V.O.)
You can't see the bond. But if you
accept it for what it is, then
you're saved.

I guess that went over my head.  I'm sure it's profound, I just didn't get it.

So, this is a script that I truly wanted to like, because I think the premise has legs.  And it does have several memorable scenes.  But, I just don't think that you jumped on that premise like you should have.  You sort of danced around it and played with the idea.  Also, as I have mentioned the logic issues and the reactions of the people to Clone Wife made the story lose credibility for me.

It's definitely more rom than com.  For me, at least, it was kinda short on laughs and heavy on the sentimentality.  A chick flick, to be sure.  The idea of cloning is nothing new, from Multiplicity to Splice to that episode of the Simpsons where Homer buys the magic hammock and creates an army of Homer clones.  But I felt this script didn't have enough drive behind it or tension within it.  The stakes were never clear for Travis.  Once he got his clone wife, his character seemed at a complete loss, and the story meandered instead of picking up speed.  You've got a solid idea here, but the story never grabbed me.  I think the premise presents all sorts of opportunities, though.  

Again, this is all just IMO.  Some people might absolutely love it.  You're definitely a skilled wordsmith who can turn a phrase with ease.  

Good luck with it and if you have any additional questions about my notes, lemme know.

Ryan


  

Quoted from jwent6688 What i was hoping for here was a great motivating factor pushing Travis to clone his "not dead" wife. If she had died, I would believe it. Then this wouldn't be comedy would it?

Hey J!

That was my thought exactly.
There is a movie that went this route back in 1985, "Creator".
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088960/
It stars Peter O'Toole. He "grows" his dead wife from a new egg.
It's a wonderfully schmaltzy, but fairly flawed film.
I had seen it many times when I was working in a movie theater.
Forgotten about it for years, then revisited it before I wrote the new draft.
I had nearly forgotten the likely influence this had on Clone Wife.

I veered away from the dead wife thing to preserve the comedy.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from B.C. Hey E.D. Hope to see you check in here soon. . P1 – Opening Slug. Man Cave Lab. I don’t know what this is or what I am supposed to be visualizing. This might be my ignorace, but it’s just not clear to me.

Hey Basket,

You hit on something here, I was getting fancypants from the start.
So, I stripped all of that out of the new fresh draft. Thanks.

Quoted from B.C. The clone wife dream sequence does have some interesting visual elemant. But then the real clone wife is introduced really abruptly. For me, this should be your “Bride of Frankenstein” reveal moment. With all the bells and whistles that comes with such a reveal. It should be dramatic. Like when Kelly Le Broc reveals herself in ‘Weird Science”.

I see what you're going for here, pretty classic movie intro.
I went with the nightmare transition for one particular reason.
It helps explain why Travis looks "old" to Clone Wife.
He wakes all sweaty and pale from the nightmare.
I do the same when she sees her brother later.

There's a lot of "magic" in the script, I don't deny it.
But, I felt doing set ups like this would help facilitate believing in them.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from rc1107 Did I miss a huge time jump somewhere or a '9 months later' SUPER?  I hope I wasn't focusing too much on Star Trek still or thinking about the witches in Macbeth you were talking about earlier and I missed it. Like I said, there are brilliant flashes of something that could be a great story here, but it's a little too cooky as it is now, and my mind's focusing on the cooky things instead of the story. Hope this helps. - Mark

Hey Mark,

Thanks again for all your time on this one.
Boy, did I really hang myself to dry out with this old draft.
I did make a clear match cut transition for the season change now.
So, that should eliminate any thoughts about a turbo pregnancy.

I tried hard to strip out the noise and concentrate on the story.
I'm looking forward to your thoughts on the complete fresh draft. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.

This draft zips along like an old Singer sewing machine. Talk about chalk and cheese compared to your previous draft. This one flows.

Page 11 -

RENEE
This me would have been much more
honest. I tried to tell you, a
hundred times.

Page 15. I don't understand this action description, Fur + Saliva + DNA = clone dog. Travis grins. Is it on a screen or written on the petri dish? Needs clarification.

Page 18. Wouldn't Travis already be wearing safety glasses, a standard scientific requirement when working in the lab? Plus he is pretty anal. I think he just needs to flip them on.

Up to Page 30. Interesting to see how this will play out. Not so sure about the nighmare sequence, it doesn't advance the story, it seems like an unecessary inclusion. After Travis wakes up from his nightmare, i find it hard to believe he doesn't notice Renee is 10 years younger.

Hey Brett,

A better read. Up too pg. 17. However, there's a problem. How does Travis get the missing element towards making his experiments work? I must've missed that. Or maybe make it a bit clearer. I know the dog has to do with it but I guess I don't get it.

Also, on pg. 12 I think there should a super implying that a couple of days has passed. this is in reference to a description you have saying that the main protagonist hasn't shaved for weeks.  

Gabe

Page 31 - Travis hasn't clicked that Renee is a clone when she tells him she woke up naked in the lab, it takes the married a year comment. All this begs the real question, why we don't see her emerge from the chamber in the lab, the big reveal. It is called Clone Wife, the audience will feel cheated they don't see her cloned.

Why doesn't Clone Wife also know that Travis is 10 years older?

This is an interesting take on the clone idea. The clone wife is actually a replicant, identical in every way to Renee, but nine years younger. A clone on the other hand is a genetic copy like a twin and is an individual in their own right. I'm willing to suspend belief on this idea.

Up to page 41. The set  up with Renee in Tokyo gives Travis some convienent  freedom. I think the premise might be more interesting, create more situational comedy and tension, if he had to juggle between Renee and Clone Wife in the same house.

Page 47. I don't see why Renee suddenly changes her mind, what's the motivation?

Page 51.

ASTRID
(to Travis)
I don’t know what you did, but I’m
going to find out.

Slightly odd comment, sort of plays to the audience.

Page 53.

GUY
I like your thinking! Well, I’m
starving. Where’s that restaurant
your Swedish chef brother owns?

It's obvious that Stig is Swedish and Guy knows this, so why would he say this to Renee?

Page 54. Guy gives Stig head noogies while he talks. I imagine Stig to be a large man, maybe because alot of the strongmen competitors are called Magnusson.

The conversation bewteen Astrid, Guy, Travis and Clone Wife needs to be sharper and more focused. I want to see Travis squirm. At this point the dynamic isn't clear. Does Clone Wife know or not? Maybe the audience should know if she does.

Page 64 - Renee has changed from hating Travis and saying that their marriage doesn't work and thus moving to Toyko, to coming home because she is worried he isn't picking up his cell?

Page 68. Travis tells Renee that he thought they could start over (referring to Clone wife), but that's not what we are shown - we see him clearly having a great time with Clone Wife - the moment of realisation where Travis figures out that he must make amends with Renee is not clear, nor is the reason for this epiphany.

Page 72. Why are the wives fighting each other and not directing their anger at Travis and why aren't they more shocked at the situation, they seem to be far too accepting.

Page 74. Clone Wife is pregnant. But the conflict between Travis and Renee still hasn't been addressed by way of a confrontation, instead Clone Wife and Renee are pals all of a sudden in the master bedroom.
Page 75. Confusion here over who is driving?

Renee puts the key in the ignition.
RENEE
Hit it.
Clone Wife starts the car, burns rubber and drives away.

Page 81. The only emotional ouburst comes from Oskar?

Page 84. I'm feeling cheated at this stage. The premise of the film still hasn't come to the fore, but simmers somewhere under the surface. The whole deal with Guy is too neat, Travis hasn't had to confront his problems and . . . change, he has to change.

Page 90. I don't see why Astrid now champions Travis, what's the motivation, he sold his research equipment, what about the way the has treated Renee and Clone Wife? Travis has twice proved himself selfish and uncaring.

Page 93. Typo - 'your' missing.

TRAVIS
It’s not your fault. It’s not
fault. I’m right here. I’m not
going anywhere.

The end just doesn't work for me. We never find out why Renee lost the baby and if it caused a major rift in the marriage (which should have been highlighted earlier) Why has Clone Wife given up the baby?? She's now driving off into the sunset What happened with Guy.

Overall the writing has improved 10 fold. The premise still needs to be addressed and the issues between Travis and Renee brought out. The situations and personal relationship they have should lend itself to comic moments that grow organically. The second act at the moment works only on a rigid technical level.

Quoted from leitskev This was a very tough read for me for a lot of reasons, starting with the fact that I am really not a rom com guy. It also occurred to me this week, reading another rom com, that one of the problems with rom coms is that we know the ending. Always. I mean, the happy couple always gets together at the end, don't they? So at least with your rom com, we can't say for sure. Or at least there is some doubt, since the happy couple is kind of two happy couples.

Hey Kev,

Thanks again for trudging through the old draft, you're a trooper!
I do tend to agree, this genre doesn't seem to get much love here on SS.
One of these days, I"ll write an action/horror script, I swear!

Quoted from leitskev Some questions I would have: Has Travis learned anything, I mean besides don't clone your wife? Are the problems between  Travis and Renee solved? Is it because they have a baby now? Clone wife is ok with giving up not only Travis, but her baby? You zip someone 9 years into the future, it isn't going to be long before they figure it out. Her husband and family are 9 years older, the news on TV and in the paper is different, technological things have changed, as well as style things and cars. Hell, the stuff in the house like movies and CDs would be different.  Maybe this stuff doesn't matter in a comedy. Maybe.

I tried to address these points in the new fresh draft.
Clone Wife is only around for a couple days before the cat's out of the bag.
I don't think it's entirely implausible to go a few days like that.
When CW sees Travis he looks "horrible" because of the nightmare he woke from.
Stig looks horrible to CW when they meet now, because he's puking and shocked.
I thought those comic elements would help suspend disbelief.

Thanks for the thoughts, pal!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I think you need to show Travis getting the idea of cloning Renee. The eureka moment that he should have "I can...clone renee". Hope this makes sense. It wasn't clear for me. Granted you show Algernoon cloned, but I can't recall    Very cliche Also, the backstory should be developed more. I think opening the script with the failed pregnancy might be sufficient enough to set the tone. You have to establish that early on since that's your crux.

Hey Gabe!

Thanks a ton for helping out on this mess!
I decided to make CW's existence somewhat accidental in the fresh draft.
I felt him deliberately creating her was too close to another script.
That, and Travis trying to cover up the chaos keeps things lighter.
So, now that it's clearly an accident, I'm curious as to your opinion on the fresh draft.

I sprinkled some lines in the new draft to enhance their relationship.
Show where the cracks are that Travis isn't seeing, etc. Hope this helps.

***SPOILERS***

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Furthermore, Clone Renee should stay. I felt sad when she leaves. She can help babysit. Hope this makes sense. If not, ask. Good Luck. Hope you get better. Keep us updated. Gabe

Aww, Clone Wife can come back whenever she wants.
But now she can live her life on her own terms.
And the bond she shares with Renee, well, they'll always be "together".
***END SPOILERS***

I thought it was important that CW have the chance to be herself.
I vetted the script with a psychologist colleague, he agreed with me.

Heh. May sound silly but I thought it critical to have a psychologist look this over.
Surprisingly, despite the fantastical set up, he felt the characters made sense.

How I deal with depression, denial, false hope, flouting responsibility & redemption.
There's a lot going on, this could get dark in a hurry, if I wasn't careful.

Hence, I lightened things up anywhere else that I could.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I just wanted to comment on that opening with the dog. That is funny and cute at the same time. lol. Will read this as quickly as possible. Gabe

Gabe,

You are a work horse! Thanks for cracking the new one open so fast.
I really needed a confidence boost after the last debacle I posted.

Wanted to put a stamp on this fresh from scratch draft from the get go.
So, that meant I had to completely redesign my opening scene.

I actually drew some inspiration from a couple sources for Travis here.
Revisited "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" and "Short Circuit".
So, Travis is showing off his inner Zelinski and some Newton Crosby too!
That tonal shift really helped me delve into the rest of the material.

It's amazing how one fundamental shift touches everything.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from leitskev I was afraid to go back, I really was. But I opened up, and sweet, the first page has been reconstructed, and is dramatically improved! Flows nice and easy, images come quick to the reader and are clear. I am assuming this improvement reflects similar adjustments throughout the work, so I will take another look soon. But so far so good as far as the improved read, good job.

Hey Kev,

Thanks for taking a quick crack at the fresh opener.
Aww, sorry I scared you before. It was not a good month for me.
But the medical stuff checks out and I really forced myself to rework this script.

I knew half measure weren't going to get the job done.
So, I went in there and ripped it apart, hoping I would make some headway.

I'm just glad I found my voice again.

Regards,
E.D.

Okay, whew, caught up.
Now onto you blokes that read the new draft!

I haven't had time yet to get past the first quarter of the new draft, but like I said, HUGE improvement. Nothing as far as the read was a stumbling block this time. Most things seemed well conveyed.

This concept is very similar to a time travel movie, in that there are inevitably logic problems. But that hasn't stopped time travel movies from being successful.

And this really is a kind of a time travel movie, since we're getting a Renee from the past. I guess the idea is to minimize these problems to the point where most people won't question things too deeply. Terminator, Back to the Future...those had logic issues too, but it wasn't a major problem as long as you didn't scratch too deeply.

I'll have to see how the new draft addresses these, but for me, I think the biggest problem in the first draft was taking the clone wife to dinner with the parents and then to the reunion. Maybe...maybe...that would be possible if she was in on it, but the clone does no know she's a clone, and Travis doesn't want her to know, so why would he risk taking her?  Logic problems when it comes to the science or even the premise are one thing, but the characters have to act in a way that makes sense and is believable.

I'll check when I can to see how it works in the new draft. Sorry, been real busy lately. I'll get to it.

Hi Brett,

Finally finished this one up.

I really don't have much to say as many of my thoughts echo previous sentiments. That said, I'll leave the logistical issues out of my review. They've already been addressed by some other members and I didn't have as much of a problem with the logistics collectively that others did. I mean you have a cloning machine that functions on anthropomorphic robot hands and goo instead of... well, anything that would resemble a real cloning machine, if such a thing were to exist. Long story short, your angle is a little more cartoony and enables a little more suspension of disbelief.

Anyway, I had mixed feelings about this script, as I did Zombie Playground. I think I liked it better than Zombie Playground as ZP was way left field from its subject matter. Zombies have been taken way too far in the goofy/satirical route in recent times for my taste so reading more of that stuff is a little trying. This one's elements seemed to blend a little bit better and the genre and tonal idiosyncrasies were a little more charming than disjointed.

The humor probably worked the least for me. I don't remember finding any of it funny. Just zany and bizarre. The mistaken nationality of Tony Montana... yeah, I get it but... not funny. Just weird. I mean elements like Stig's Italian/Japanese crossover cuisine and the rum raisin ice cream with the "special applesauce"... it gives your script character and your writing a unique face but it never appealed to me. It sort of reminded me of Robert Rodriguez's family films, which are, frankly, terrible.

There's some more "normal" humor like Wade gawking at Renee's ass but this didn't work for me either. Too vanilla, frankly. Especially with all the other weird stuff you've got going on. Seems like you threw in a few easily accessible jokes that you were less enthusiastic about to counter-balance the more esoteric.

So overall, the humor... not for me (except for the "sad flour" bit, that made me laugh).

Onto the meat of the script... the story and characters, that is. Well, I liked them. The characters worked. They were all quirky, distinguishable and more or less well developed. I guess I sympathized with Travis's plight. I think the whole "check here [ ] if you want to save our marriage" thing carried enough realism and melancholy to put the audience on his side. I think developing the lost child subplot further would help develop Renee's character, whom I understood leaving Travis but not coming back to him.

Stig was one guy I didn't get. That is, I didn't understand why he was so chummy with Travis. Are they actually friends? What's the history here?

Guy was a problematic character. Astrid's affinity for him was ripe for some interesting conflict as she clearly wasn't fond of Travis so that worked. But he didn't really project himself as much of a villain, even with Clone Wife taking kind of a fancy to him. That actually kind of hurt the whole "Clone Wife is so much better than my real wife" angle. I mean, if Guy was hitting on her or something then it might've balanced out. Clone Wife's interest would be more responsive than inherent. Yeah, and the whole bar scene with Guy and Travis at the end... I see what you were going for but there's nothing that leads up to it for it to make sense.

Not really sure what to do with the cat but I think you need to reconsider his character.

Onto plot. Well, I think the concept is great and there's some moments that really click but for the most part, I think you squandered it. Everything seems to be working out. There's no awkward moments where Clone Wife reveals her offness. Everyone just seems to go along with her. Any moments of characters picking up on clone strangeness seemed to go to Algernon. Then at the end, when the cat's out of the bag, everyone seems to go along with the fact that there's two Renees. I mean you have a classic situation in which a character has to cover up a big secret and it all goes swimmingly for the most part. Nix. No good. You gotta shake things up a bit. Not only can you have outside characters on the verge of discovering Clone Wife's origins, you can have Clone Wife herself on the verge. I think that's equally dramatic, if not more.

That said, I would keep in mind that your premise is definitive classic comedy. That is to say you have a character who's luck changes for the better as opposed to the worse, which is, of course, tragedy. While I do think the plot needs some obstacles, I do think Clone Wife should remain a good thing to Travis that he wants to hold onto.

Might as well throw in that I like the ending. I like that Clone Wife goes off to be her own person. I do think the ease with which she abandons her birth child might be a little too easy. I mean, she's a mother. Clone or not, there's gotta be some built in biological mechanism that keeps her from wanting to give away her child. But again, it's the ease with which she does this. I don't think she should fight to keep the baby or anything and I think she should be able to recognize that it's a precious gift that she should be able to give birth and make Renee and Travis's lives better when it's the one thing the real Renee can't do. Almost like being a surrogate mother... actually, no. That's pretty much exactly what it is.

So yeah. Dig it.

Anyway, some of this I didn't like and some of it, I'm not going to like no matter what as you've got your own ideas of what this should be and that's cool. Other bits, I do think need work and would kick the script up a good couple notches by any standards. Regardless, for better or for worse, I think you have something standout here. Your writing continues to be distinctly Brett Martin which is harder to achieve than simply good or even great writing. Voice is important so be proud you've got one.

Hope this helps. Always a pleasure.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Brett First off it reads much, much better. Big improvement. It flows well, the characters are easier to understand and there is a better balance to the order.

Hey Reef!

Thanks for taking another look at this, you're a brave soul!

October was a tough slog for me, took a big chunk of it to rewrite the script.
I knew the best solution was a fresh draft from scratch.
It's painful to hacksaw months of work like that, but needed to be done.
I'm just relieved that the effort is yielding positive results.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The laughs are clearer but there is still the opportunity for a bit more as you continue to fine tune. In particular you have started well with algereron but maybe there are a few extras to squeeze out in the interaction between them. As this is light hearted I think you can push the relationship.

I see what you're saying here, but this is why I'm a little gun shy on big laughs.
I don't want CW to be a yuck-yuck script. So, I inch in that direction, very slowly.
The material is too heady to veer into too much slapstick, IMO.
This is another step closer to see how laugh out loud funny I should make it.
I feel good about it, so I'll keep nudging the envelope in subsequent drafts. Thanks.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Like Gabe the first page is a far stronger start as well as easier to read. Others will give you a more detailed read but here are a few comments; P2 his speech on facts seems a bit in your face

Could be, I use it as a "place holder" until I have a better "keep your chin up" line.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Part of the  travis character which you should milk is the geek who can't communicate. The interaction with wade could be used to highlight this further. Maybe he could talk to the robot as well as his dog.

I've given some thought to Travis conversing with the arms more.
Especially during the more expository moments shortly after CW's arrival.
I can see it in my head working, likely will be added to the next draft. Thanks.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Why does the chain saw amputate the y?

Because in DePalma's Scarface, Tony uses a chainsaw to amputate a goon.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer P6 etymology?

Etymology is the study of the history of words.
I thought I worded that line so the meaning would come across.
I'll have to keep an eye on that then.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Travis story to algereon about child. Perhaps too much on the nose, a bit more visual?

It's a storybook moment, I didn't want to get too fancy with it.
CW has many fairy tale tropes already, I didn't want to flower it up.
But I do feel the fairy tale elements help facilitate the fantasy of Clone Wife.
The storybook scene being the most obvious allusion to fairy tales.
Travis in the opener dancing with Renee, which then abruptly stops.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer P19 the production of clone al just seems a bit sudden. Could the previous experiments get closer to success, or some progress, possibly resulting in some mess to clean( other than goo) but giving the impression it's closer? Maybe an accident with some food?

That sequence used to be twice as long as it is now.
I have room to go back and expand a beat or two, if that helps sell the reader.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer P32 talks too much to himself?

This is one of those points where talking to the arms could help the script, IMO.
They can gesture "dialogue" as well.
Then that would give me some of the Molecuzilla vibe back from the old draft.
I can see it in my head, so likely it will wind up in the next draft. Thanks.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Standing back, the beauty with this idea is that it gives you various options with humour such as the change in time ( think back to the future) the trying to hide the wife, or secrets, (farce style) and the first flush of love and the stupid things people do. It will be interesting to see where this goes as I didn't read the whole last time. All the best.

Reef, I'm glad to hear you bring up the time travel thing.
Clone Wife is quite a hybrid beasty of a script.
Part rom/com. Part farce. Part time travel and all told through fairy tale glasses.
The juggling act is overwhelming at times.

The breadth of the concept staggers my mind quite often.
I didn't realize till late in the game I was doing a retro time travel thingy.
Really dug the fact that I was bringing "the past" to my protag.
Time travel is rarely handled that way, so the prospect excited me.

Thanks tons for the insights, I'm sure they'll result in some script tweaks.
Happy to return the gesture anytime.

Regards,
E.D.

Here I am, sitting here working on my own stuff, and I guess I had it somewhere in my head that I have to get back to Clone soon, to read the rewrite, because OUT OF NOWHERE popped into my head an idea for Clone. Something that solves one of the issues people seemed to complain about. Hear it out Brett, weigh it for a while, before you reject it out of hand. If nothing else keep it on file if people keep complaining about the ending.

The solution is so obvious I don't know why I didn't see it before. All he has to do is clone himself! The copy that goes to clone wife will have the same memory as Travis, at least from the moment his tissue was taken.

You can go a lot of different routes with that. For the most simple solution, clone husband could be in the car with clone wife at the end. But if you really wanted to play around with this, he could clone himself earlier(yes, I've seen the Simpsons episode). He could use his clone to try to keep clone wife and Renee from finding out about each other. For example, Renee unexpectedly comes home, and clone Travis tells her there was a fire at the house, or mold, and they have to stay with her parents.

Of course, if clone wife is not in on things, eventually she will go visit her parents and all hell will break loose.

Clone Travis could even have "an affair" with Renee, making Travis jealous, perhaps somewhat irrationally.

It does open some more creative doors.

Quoted from James McClung Hmm... I'm not sure what you did, exactly, but indeed, as Kevin said, this was a lot easier to read than the last draft. I read 60+ pages of that sucker and at times, I felt like I was trudging through descriptions, leaving me quite lost in the story at times. Not only that but you had some strange ideas (e.g. Molecule-zilla) that ended up wreaking havoc on your format somehow (the WORD BUBBLE dialogue was peculiar, to say the least). Obviously, you cut this down, to say the least, but it really does read like a completely different script. I can tell you rewrote this from scratch. Honestly, I'm breezing through this so far. Already, this is a massive improvement.

Hey James,

Thanks for going back to the new draft.
You've already gone through this story one and a half times.
You're right, I went and wrote a complete fresh draft from scratch.
I was afraid I lost the thread of the story somehow.
So, I thought it best to start over with a blank page and give it another go.

Quoted from James McClung I suppose what we get from Travis and Renee's relationship prior to their separation is a bit sparse, even with the fact that there's obviously been some growing apart, but I think you got the basics down. Without spelling it out, I got the sense that Renee'd grown a little weary of Travis and that his work likely played a major part in that. Obviously, he's wrapped up in it, rendering him a little forgetful. It's kind of a classic setup without being too forced. For the sake of basic storytelling, so far, so good.

I kept it sparse on purpose, I wanted her departure revealed within ten pages.
Anything more would have been belaboring the point IMO.
Keeping it light was key until the bomb was dropped at dinner.
I wanted to portray Travis as a decent but distracted and goofly immature fella.

Quoted from James McClung Though it doesn't hurt your character now (and I don't see any signs of it hurting him in the future), I figured I'd bring this up just so you keep it in mind whenever you come back to this script. I tend to get a little long winded when I address this kind of stuff so I recommend you check out the Nostalgia Critic's review of Flubber to get a better sense of what I'm talking about. Basically, Robin Williams' character in that film is just a huge jerk that they try to pass off as a sweet but bumbling goof.

Glad you brought it up, I was very wary of making his work obsession too heavy.
The script doesn't have a prayer of working if Travis is off putting.
Oh, I'll have to check out that review. Thanks for the tip.

Quoted from James McClung Renee's reveal works way better this time. The first time around, she was way too apologetic. Her leaving Travis didn't feel as crushing to the guy. This time, it's much more of a blow. Good job.

I tried to sharpen the pain and sum it up into a few hurtful words.
The "I woke up from the dream" approach I felt summed that up well.
But not do it in a point the finger kind of repulsive way. Glad it worked for you.

Quoted from James McClung Unfortunately, Travis's breakthrough suffers this time around. You went from an overblown build up to almost completely skimming over it. I mean all the Molecule-zilla stuff came to be way too much. But I liked the build up in percentage on the computer, which is absent this time. It gave the audience something to anticipate. I'd bring that element back.

I cut that sequence in half for this draft, including the demise of Molecuzilla.
The script has a pretty lean page count, so I can put a beat or two back for that.

Quoted from James McClung Also, when Clone Al comes out, Travis's reaction is just way too downplayed. I mean, maybe he was expecting it but the magnitude of his success doesn't seem to hit him at all. I mean, he's happy but more in the way someone would be if they struck a really nice shot in gulf. It's like "Yes! Great! ...moving along..." No good, man. The whole sequence needs more drama.

I did put in a beat where Travis dances a jig with Clone Al.
I didn't want him to celebrate too much, but you're right it needed something.
That helps lead into where Travis learns his success was not happy without Renee.

Quoted from James McClung I'm leaving off where Travis is doing a lot of talking to himself. That very movie-ish completely unrealistic talking to one's self. Fortunately, I think your setup yields a solution. Just a suggestion but why not have Travis be able to communicate verbally with his computer? I don't mean have the computer be self aware or talk back. More along the lines of cell phone voice commands. Then you can have him talk to himself until he's blue in the face. Worked in Cronenberg's The Fly and that's the greatest movie ever made.

This did inspire a thought about the gesturing robotic arms.
Travis could talk to them when he's going through some exposition.
They can gesture answers back, could be a fun way to get through that stuff.
I think that will make into the next draft. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer This did inspire a thought about the gesturing robotic arms. Travis could talk to them when he's going through some exposition. They can gesture answers back, could be a fun way to get through that stuff. I think that will make into the next draft. Thanks!

Certainly a better idea than mine. I'm going to encourage this. You should definitely take advantage of your anthropomorphic cloning machine.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer That helps lead into where Travis learns his success was not happy without Renee.

Oooooh, that's a great idea!  What if Travis were to call out in excitement to Renee...only to remember that she's not there anymore...?

Small thought, but the thread sparked the idea.  Great way to add a bit of emotional pathos....

Quoted from wonkavite Oooooh, that's a great idea!  What if Travis were to call out in excitement to Renee...only to remember that she's not there anymore...? Small thought, but the thread sparked the idea.  Great way to add a bit of emotional pathos....

Hmmm, turn a happy dance moment into a sad face with glum music cue.
That could work! Be a nice lead in to unexpected brother in law. Thanks!

*writes it into his CW notebook of doom*

Regards,
E.D.

Brett, I decided to give this one a read instead of rereading ZP. Hope that's ok.

I've only got to page 20 so far.

As you probably know by now, rom-coms are not my favorite but it's a very popular genre from what I understand.

So far, my thoughts would be that the beginning needs a change. We need to see more of Travis' and Renee's relationship. Need to learn more about them. More characterization from the get go so we attach ourselves to these characters and want to know how it's all going to turnout for them. Right now, that's missing, IMHO. That's why I think the first ten pages are a bit weak.

I want to know how the clones are going to turnout though. I find myself wondering how you're going to handle their knowledge. Seems to me they would be born with a blank slate?

Anyway, so far so good. I'm glad you're being so prolific.  

The following are notes as I was reading. They might come off as curt, but they are not intended as such.

As far as the poster goes…I'm not sure yet, but right now I'm thinking it's too kid like and cartoony.


pg    1.    you might want to describe the "supercomputers" better. what popped into my head was these giant computers that need special air-conditioning and such and I also didn't get the "kid's" room. in short, I had a hard time picturing this makeshift lab and IMHO that's not good when it's your first line…

isn't it still correct to spell out numbers in dialogue or has that too gone out of style?

I had a hard time picturing the genetic chamber and what goes on inside it…maybe I'm stupid?  

pg    3.    Algernon rubs against her leg? he's a dog, not a cat.  

pg    5.    Stig Magnusson? that's Swedish. nothing wrong with it. just pointing that out.

pg    6.    I thought the description of Astrid reads rather clunky. I had to read it twice.

my thoughts after having read the first 10 is that I would have liked to see more interactions between Travis and Renee and less of her relatives. more characterization so we get to know their relationship better would probably have made me care a little more about the story. some clunky lines and descriptions here and there that made me have reread them slowed the read.

pg   11.    I don't understand at all how this works "Renee stares at the photo, Travis' writing reversed in the medicine cabinet mirror". she's sitting on the toilet. is she holding up the photo to the mirror? things like that is what slows the reading down…

pg   14.    Travis doesn't wake up even though the dog is walking in circles on his chest? why is Travis so deep asleep in the middle of the day?

pg   15.    "fur + saliva + dna = clone dog". another one of those things that stopped me dead in my tracks. what exactly do you mean by it? is it a camera shot or Travis' thought?

just realized that maybe I was reading the earlier version of the script. you'll know if I did. I'm on page 15 now and am on the current version from here on.

pg   15.   IMHO that's not a montage, but a SERIES OF SHOTS

pg   20.    Get off, yourself!  LOL! good line.

Hey Brett,

Sorry I missed this one up till my my friend.

I owe you a big juicy read and review and from what I see from some of the reviews, I am going to love this script.

I'm not going to read all of post though so if my comments are redundent, then sorry.

Give me a few days and I will get back to you.

Fair?

Take care brother-

Shawn.....><

Quoted from Grandma Bear Brett, I decided to give this one a read instead of rereading ZP. Hope that's ok. just realized that maybe I was reading the earlier version of the script. you'll know if I did. I'm on page 15 now and am on the current version from here on.

Hey Pia!

Big thanks for taking a look at the new feature.
I did answer your question about this, but I think it's on the ZP thread, heh.
Reading this is great, it's all good, m'dear.

And yes, you were reading the old Torture Edition of the script.
The first 15 pages are drastically different from the latest version posted here.
Some details down the road may be confusing with mixing the drafts.
But, I don't think it's a major deal. So, no worries.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Ledbetter Hey Brett, Sorry I missed this one up till my my friend. I owe you a big juicy read and review and from what I see from some of the reviews, I am going to love this script. I'm not going to read all of post though so if my comments are redundent, then sorry. Give me a few days and I will get back to you. Fair? Take care brother- Shawn.....><

Hey Shawn,

Thanks for the note.
Sounds like a plan, take your time.
Looking forward to your thoughts.

Regards,
E.D.

And I'll respond to the other great reviews over the holiday!

The story is very good. I noticed some minor mistakes, but I might be wrong.
page 18- dog sniffs, not dogs.
page 24- I think Travis doesn't need to say that he is not happy because she left him. Stig has to guess why he is not happy and suggest GUY.
page36- In Swan's line you forgot N for have known.
page53- She is nine years younger, so 29th reunion, I think.
page90- Put AN instead of A, In Renee's line. The shuttle picks me up in an hour.
page91- Student who rises his hand is singular.

Some suggestion from me. Kill the clone in the hospital while giving birth, but keep the baby alive.
This way it would be more than just a comedy. It would be something special.

Hey Brett finally finished.

This is a cleaner draft. I still enjoy the story but...

SPOILERS!

I don't remember if I mentioned this before nevertheless, I think you should establish the lost pregnancy earlier in the beginning. That seems to be when the couples' problems arise. Their relationship is tested. Renee wants to run away from that terrible tragedy. Travis creates clone wife. Then have clone wife question about having the baby finding out what happened to Renee.

The way you have the story here, Travis enjoys clone wife better than Renee. So, why doesm't Travis just not stay with clone wife and leave Renee? lol. I think Travis seems like the type of guy who would do that.

Just my thoughts.
Gabe

Hey Brett,

I wanted to let you know, I'm about half way through it and will be posting my thoughts on it tomorrow.

So far, I'm really enjoying it.

Good job!

Shawn.....><

Quoted from Ryan1 Okay, read the first 32 pages.  Now glancing at some of the earlier comments, it looks like you significantly streamlined the writing, which is always a good thing.

Hey Ryan!

Always a pleasure to have you take a gander at my work.
Hope the Will to Live rewrites panned out for you.

October was a scary month for me, both personally and professionally.
But, the medical stuff all worked out.
And it seems I've debugged a lot of what needed attention in the old draft.
So, I dodged a couple of bullets and got back on track.

Quoted from Ryan1 Starting on page one, I'm wondering where Travis obtained all this equipment and how exactly he got it into his basement.  Supercomputers and "genetic chambers" are items that I'm guessing would run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars if not more.  Where does Travis get the funding for this?   Why does Travis not have a job if he's this brilliant?  Maybe he's an underappreciated genius, whose theories are simply too radical for mainstream science.  What about having another separate structure on the property, like in the backyard, converted into a lab?

There were a few lines that addressed this in the earlier draft.
A mention of loans being paid off by Renee and stuff.
I understand the sterility issue, and it does make sense.
But I like the metaphorical significance of the lab being "under" the house.
Rick Moranis has his lab in the attic in "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids".

Quoted from Ryan1 Montana Tony's.  Is there any reason you don't just call it Tony Montana's?  With all the velvet Tony Montana's in the restaurant, it would seem like a better fit.

I always thought inverting it made more sense.
Especially since Tony Montana is Cuban. not Italian.
I could make mention of the threat of a lawsuit forcing a name change, etc.

Quoted from Ryan1 p 6.  Didn't really get the notes on the take out menus joke.

The second half of that joke didn't make it into this draft.
In hindsight, this bit should probably come out. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1 p.7  When Astrid says: "Why you traded in theprom king for your science tutor is still a mystery to me."  That's a brutal, humiliating swipe at Travis right in his face.  and he does...nothing.  No reaction at all.  Just a line about other prom queens being available.  To me this shows a character without a backbone who allows his mother in law to trample over him.  Renee's reasoning to leave the guy seems a little more apparent after that incident, but its still hazy.

Travis lacks backbone because he lacks pride in himself.
In the opener, there's his dreamy approach to his experiments as well.
A dreamer with a lack of self pride seems pretty clear motivators.
I have to choose reasons for the break up that won't make the reader hate Travis.
These flaws serve him pretty well as the stakes raise later in the story.
But there's always room to improve that message.

Quoted from Ryan1 p 8. "aides" should be aids.

Whoops. That was a derp move. Good catch.

Quoted from Ryan1 p 9.  Oskar's line "Flight's tomorrow morning" ssems like it should have been said by Renee.

Yeah, I can see that in my mind working. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1 Renee:  "I woke up."  Ouch.  But, what exactly made her wake up?  We just don't have enough insight into their relationship right now to understand this breakup.

I go back and forth on this point.
Tend to shy away from over explanation.
But I could put that, "I'm tired of blah, Travis. After all these years", type stuff.
It feels so obvious, unless it's a killer line that doesn't feel expository.
For now, the "I woke up." is a solid place holder for that thought, IMO.
Especially since it alludes to the fairy tale element of the overall story.

Quoted from Ryan1 p 10  Is the hair taped next to the photo?  Maybe a line of explanation as to why it's there.

It's actually in the photo album, I'll be clearer about that.
And it does get explained later why the hair is there.
On page 11, Travis tells us about the lost baby, but since it's pure exposition, it doesn't have much power behind it.  Maybe if they still had some baby clothes that they had picked out.  I think having a baby item such as a tiny sock or shirt laid out in the album would hold more dramatic weight.
[/quote]
I thought about that, but left the "baby object bit" for the third act.
I see what you're getting at, but that's a lot of heavy in a short time.
Which is why I opted for the storybook telling to the dog.

Quoted from Ryan1 Okay, on page 12, we read that "Travis and Algernon look out a bay window as Renee's cab drives away."  In the very next scene, Wade sees the pool table in his backyard.  First question, how would Travis be able to haul a pool table from his basement to Wade's backyard by himself?

Movie magic!
I found the humor in not showing how he got it over there.
But that in his own quirky way, it was Travis reaching out to someone.
I tend to shy away from explaining away all the magic.
It's a personal choice, and I understand why it doesn't work for you.
People will find a way, if they want to communicate, even if their brain subverts them.

Quoted from Ryan1 Next question:  When Wade walks over to Travis' backyard, we see that "Travis hasn't shaved in weeks."  How does this timing work out?  Renee said she was leaving for Tokyo the very next day.  How does Travis now have weeks of growth on his beard?

I think you got the first freash draft version. There was a mistake in the scene order.
Since then, I've fixed it. So the passage of time makes more sense.

Quoted from Ryan1 Stig has a way of talking like a Swedish Frankenstein at times.  Like here: We open the doors. People come in and sit down. They eat things I make. Give us money, then leave. Are the Magnusson's supposed to be from Sweden?  Because at times I got the feeling Stig's command of English "not so good."

Yes, they are. Magnusson is a Swedish name.
As I'm sure Pia already knows!

Quoted from Ryan1 If Travis was this lovelorn it seems like he would have jumped at the chance to talk to Renee when she calls Stig.  Maybe a final word from her here could finally convince Travis that he has no shot at all at reconciling with his wife and this convinces him to go ahead with the cloning experiment.  Because, it is incredibly unethical after all, cloning someone without their permission.  Something has to drive Travis to that point of desperation.

Hmm, I could see that suggestion working.
I'll have to marinate in my brain and see how it comes out next draft. Thanks.

Quoted from Ryan1 I understand what you were going for with the line "Hello, flour. I miss you." on 26.   But I think this would actually be a little confusing if you were watching the movie.  A lot of people would think Travis was saying "flower."

Hmm, I wonder if there's a better word than flour for that part.
I'll have to look it over when I revisit the script. I see your point.

Quoted from Ryan1 Good visual with supercomputer integrated with pipe organ.  The nightmare did go a bit too long, IMO.

When the pipe organ supercomputer flashed in my brain, I knew it was a keeper.
Even back in spring of 2010, that image stayed with me all this time.
I had shortened the nightmare up, perhaps it can use another nip/tuck.

Quoted from Ryan1 p 32 TRAVIS This is it. This is my chance. All the same experiences in a new body of possibilities. I've created a get-out-of-divorce free card. This is my flour! Once again, I think the word "flour" would be confusing here.  And this dialogue really sounded on the nose.  You're telling us what we already know, because the previous paragraph explained the nine year old dna twist.  I think Travis cracking a wry smile would actually work better here.

Your suggestion is pretty good, but I think I wrote the lines for another reason.
But at the time, I wasn't sure exactly why I wanted them there.
Thanks to another peer reviewer (James?), I had a thought.
The lines can be spoken to the robotic arms that assist Travis in the lab.
I like him talking exposition to the dog and the arms, gives them character.
And I think it makes the arms' "demise" in the explosion more meaningful.

Quoted from Ryan1 Okay, so far got some mixed feelings on this one.  On one hand, it seemed like you were trying to base the science on real actual techniques and theories, but having Clone Wife appear was just hard for me to buy. Of course with a whacky comedy like that, logic ain't a big concern.

I have tinkered with the thought of showing Clone Wife emerge from the chamber.
But part of me is really attached to her just being there when Travis wakes.
It's such a strong fairy tale romance reversal beat. I adore it.
Waking from the nightmare to the "reality" of his dream come true.
That kind of metaphorical sauce is too hard for me to pass up.
Ideally, I want to find a smooth way to integrate all those elements.

Quoted from Ryan1 And, I wanted to know more about how Renee and Travis' relationship went sour.  They broke up so quickly in this script, it's hard to even picture them as a couple. So, I'll be interested to see how the clone wife impacts Travis life and the rest of the plot.

Less is more, but I see your point.
I want to be subtle, there's a lot of drama to get through in the early stages.
And I still want to keep Clone Wife's arrival at the end of act one.
Perhaps a simple, "Travis I'm tired of all...", type beat will do the trick.

Thanks for the super detailed comments. Helpful stuff.

To be continued.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Jahon Bahrom The story is very good. I noticed some minor mistakes, but I might be wrong. page 18- dog sniffs, not dogs. page 24- I think Travis doesn't need to say that he is not happy because she left him. Stig has to guess why he is not happy and suggest GUY. page36- In Swan's line you forgot N for have known. page53- She is nine years younger, so 29th reunion, I think. page90- Put AN instead of A, In Renee's line. The shuttle picks me up in an hour. page91- Student who rises his hand is singular. Some suggestion from me. Kill the clone in the hospital while giving birth, but keep the baby alive. This way it would be more than just a comedy. It would be something special.

Jahon,

Thanks for the read and the helpful comments.
Kudos for catching some grammar mistakes. I'll get those fixed up.

I've had people think that Clone Wife would sacrifice herself for the baby.
Multiple people in fact, which kinda surprised me, in the good way.
But in the end, I do believe Clone Wife getting a chance to be her own person is best.
And Travis helping her achieve that goal, makes him a better man.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Brett finally finished. This is a cleaner draft. I still enjoy the story but... SPOILERS! I don't remember if I mentioned this before nevertheless, I think you should establish the lost pregnancy earlier in the beginning. So, why doesm't Travis just not stay with clone wife and leave Renee? lol. I think Travis seems like the type of guy who would do that. Just my thoughts. Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Thanks a ton for taking another look at this.
I'm glad this draft read better for you, that was a big goal.
The pregnancy does come up on page nine.
That's pretty early on, and I wanted to start the script late in the relationship.
The sooner we get to Clone Wife, the better. She adds spice to the plot.

Maybe Old Travis would try and "forget Renee".
And I think now and again, he does, just for key moments here and there.
But, he always comes back to the truth, which makes things bittersweet.
Which is the angle I was going for in the post Guy dinner scenes.

Travis growing as a man helps him take responsibility for his "creation".
And that includes giving her the chance to live the life she wants.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Ledbetter Hey Brett, I wanted to let you know, I'm about half way through it and will be posting my thoughts on it tomorrow. So far, I'm really enjoying it. Good job! Shawn.....><

Hey Shwan!

I'm pleased that you're not laboring through the read!

Always a good thing to get your feedback on my work!
Keep chugging on that feature script of yours!

Regards,
E.D.