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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Clone Wife Moderators: bert
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  Author    Clone Wife  (currently 20231 views)
Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 6th, 2011, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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***NEW STATUS UPDATE ON ME***

Forgive me for using this thread for a personal update.
I don't think my health status merits starting a new thread.

Long story short, I'm on the mend.
I went through severe arterial inflammation of the brain.
My memory has pretty much been restored.
Apparently, I was suffering from this growing condition while writing this script.
The inflammation has been building for several weeks.
It causes lapses in judgement, short temper, poor performance, etc.
Even thinking about it now, it gives me pause with some minor pains.

The plan was to rest through the long holiday weekend and go from there.

HOWEVER...

***SCRIPT STATUS UPDATE***

I got a big hit from the Sherwood Oaks Producer/Summit I went to two weeks ago.
And I mean he's a BIG HIT. This producer is pretty epic.
He's produced films for some of my favorite directors at the peak of their powers.
Altman. Peckinpah. Carpenter. Badham.

His Head of Development sent me a note yesterday.
This producer wants to read Clone Wife, himself. O_O

It would be bad form to make him wait two weeks, so I'm gonna cram this weekend.
Rework the entire action description parts from stem to stern.
Hopefully with a less swollen brain, I can root out a lot of issues on the page.

This is by far the biggest name that's shown interest in my work.
This is why I live in L.A., my friends.
All I did was pay $99 for an event to hear him and other fine producers chat.
Attendees get to give their "leave behind" to these big names, but don't pitch them.
$99 well spent.

I'll go through everyone;s notes as best I can over the weekend.
But I can't make him wait and I can't send this out, as is.
So, I'm going to fudge my "return to work date" and get cracking!
Thanks for all the great input guys, I'll try not to let you down!

Regards to All,
E.D.

P.S.
Did I miss any contributing member script uploads this week?
I've got Mark's new feature and Janet's new short in my non-work queue.
Did Ryan post a new draft of Will to Live yet? *pokes Ryan*





LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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wonkavite
Posted: October 6th, 2011, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brett -

Already read the script, but was planning to wait until you were feeling better, before overloading you again.  If there's a deadline, though...  My notes are at home, will email you my thoughts once I'm back - late, late tonight...!

Cheers,

-J
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leitskev
Posted: October 7th, 2011, 12:51am Report to Moderator
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Finished just now, Brett. If you access the link I gave you, you will have the notes on the script.

This was a very tough read for me for a lot of reasons, starting with the fact that I am really not a rom com guy. It also occurred to me this week, reading another rom com, that one of the problems with rom coms is that we know the ending. Always. I mean, the happy couple always gets together at the end, don't they? So at least with your rom com, we can't say for sure. Or at least there is some doubt, since the happy couple is kind of two happy couples.

Some questions I would have: Has Travis learned anything, I mean besides don't clone your wife? Are the problems between  Travis and Renee solved? Is it because they have a baby now? Clone wife is ok with giving up not only Travis, but her baby?

Hard for me to form an opinion on the marketability of the story. As with time travel stories, there are real logical issues to be worked out here. You zip someone 9 years into the future, it isn't going to be long before they figure it out. Her husband and family are 9 years older, the news on TV and in the paper is different, technological things have changed, as well as style things and cars. Hell, the stuff in the house like movies and CDs would be different.  Maybe this stuff doesn't matter in a comedy. Maybe.

You're experimenting with your writing style, and that's cool, I think people understand. I think you need to tone it back to the older Brett style, if nothing else for the sake of clarity. Ease into your new style gradually.

Good luck with the pitch.
Kevin
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 8th, 2011, 10:21am Report to Moderator
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Finished. Don't know how much of this can help since your trying to cram all this in the weekend. Good luck with that.

Here's what I came up:

I think you need to show Travis getting the idea of cloning Renee. The eureka moment that he should have "I can...clone renee". Hope this makes sense. It wasn't clear for me. Granted you show Algernoon cloned, but I can't recall    Very cliche

Also, the backstory should be developed more. I think opening the script with the failed pregnancy might be sufficient enough to set the tone. You have to establish that early on since that's your crux.

Furthermore, Clone Renee should stay. I felt sad when she leaves. She can help babysit.

Finally, I think Travis and Guy get too chummy too quickly. Develop their friendship early on. Show Guy thinking he's friends with Travis, and Travis thinking otherwise.

Hope this makes sense. If not, ask. Good Luck. Hope you get better. Keep us updated.
Gabe
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 1st, 2011, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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I just wanted to comment on that opening with the dog. That is funny and cute at the same time. lol. Will read this as quickly as possible.


Gabe
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 2nd, 2011, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Brett

As promised I have had a re read on the new draft, up to page 49 ( this is from notes taken)

First off it reads much, much better. Big improvement. It flows well, the characters are easier to understand and there is a better balance to the order.

The laughs are clearer but there is still the opportunity for a bit more as you continue to fine tune. In particular you have started well with algereron but maybe there are a few extras to squeeze out in the interaction between them. As this is light hearted I think you can push the relationship.

Like Gabe the first page is a far stronger start as well as easier to read. Others will give you a more detailed read but here are a few comments;

P2 his speech on facts seems a bit in your face
Part of the  travis character which you should milk is the geek who can't communicate. The interaction with wade could be used to highlight this further. Maybe he could talk to the robot as well as his dog.
Why does the chain saw amputate the y?
P5 Tony Montana description seemed heavy
P6 etymology?
P6 Oskar description - my note is decryption is heavy, can't remember
Travis story to algereon about child. Perhaps too much on the nose, a bit more visual?
P14 algeron scratches at door, then sits on his chest. Just wondered if this needs a bit more clarity of how one leads to the other
P19 the production of clone al just seems a bit sudden. Could the previous experiments get closer to success, or some progress, possibly resulting in some mess to clean( other than goo) but giving the impression it's closer? Maybe an accident with some food?
P32 talks too much to himself?

Standing back, the beauty with this idea is that it gives you various options with humour such as the change in time ( think back to the future) the trying to hide the wife, or secrets, (farce style) and the first flush of love and the stupid things people do.

It will be interesting to see where this goes as I didn't read the whole last time.

All the best.










My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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leitskev
Posted: November 3rd, 2011, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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I was afraid to go back, I really was. But I opened up, and sweet, the first page has been reconstructed, and is dramatically improved! Flows nice and easy, images come quick to the reader and are clear. I am assuming this improvement reflects similar adjustments throughout the work, so I will take another look soon. But so far so good as far as the improved read, good job.
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James McClung
Posted: November 3rd, 2011, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hello, hello. Back from the first draft and just a little past Act I in the second.

Hmm... I'm not sure what you did, exactly, but indeed, as Kevin said, this was a lot easier to read than the last draft. I read 60+ pages of that sucker and at times, I felt like I was trudging through descriptions, leaving me quite lost in the story at times. Not only that but you had some strange ideas (e.g. Molecule-zilla) that ended up wreaking havoc on your format somehow (the WORD BUBBLE dialogue was peculiar, to say the least). Obviously, you cut this down, to say the least, but it really does read like a completely different script. I can tell you rewrote this from scratch.

Honestly, I'm breezing through this so far. Already, this is a massive improvement.

But I digress. Onto the story...

I suppose what we get from Travis and Renee's relationship prior to their separation is a bit sparse, even with the fact that there's obviously been some growing apart, but I think you got the basics down. Without spelling it out, I got the sense that Renee'd grown a little weary of Travis and that his work likely played a major part in that. Obviously, he's wrapped up in it, rendering him a little forgetful. It's kind of a classic setup without being too forced. For the sake of basic storytelling, so far, so good.

A quick note. I'd be careful of how far you take Travis's preoccupation with his work in future rewrites. His character's fine for now but the danger in these kinds of setups (that is to say, the scientist who's on the verge of a huge discovery who's work occasionally interferes with the rest of his life) is that the main character can easily come off as neglecting and inconsiderate when they're supposed to be quirky and imperfect in a sympathetic way. Though it doesn't hurt your character now (and I don't see any signs of it hurting him in the future), I figured I'd bring this up just so you keep it in mind whenever you come back to this script.

I tend to get a little long winded when I address this kind of stuff so I recommend you check out the Nostalgia Critic's review of Flubber to get a better sense of what I'm talking about. Basically, Robin Williams' character in that film is just a huge jerk that they try to pass off as a sweet but bumbling goof.

But again... I digress...

Renee's reveal works way better this time. The first time around, she was way too apologetic. Her leaving Travis didn't feel as crushing to the guy. This time, it's much more of a blow. Good job.

Unfortunately, Travis's breakthrough suffers this time around. You went from an overblown build up to almost completely skimming over it. I mean all the Molecule-zilla stuff came to be way too much. But I liked the build up in percentage on the computer, which is absent this time. It gave the audience something to anticipate. I'd bring that element back.

Also, when Clone Al comes out, Travis's reaction is just way too downplayed. I mean, maybe he was expecting it but the magnitude of his success doesn't seem to hit him at all. I mean, he's happy but more in the way someone would be if they struck a really nice shot in gulf. It's like "Yes! Great! ...moving along..." No good, man. The whole sequence needs more drama.

I'm leaving off where Travis is doing a lot of talking to himself. That very movie-ish completely unrealistic talking to one's self. Fortunately, I think your setup yields a solution. Just a suggestion but why not have Travis be able to communicate verbally with his computer? I don't mean have the computer be self aware or talk back. More along the lines of cell phone voice commands. Then you can have him talk to himself until he's blue in the face. Worked in Cronenberg's The Fly and that's the greatest movie ever made.

Anyway, I'm out for now. Will be back with more review later...


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Ryan1
Posted: November 3rd, 2011, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, read the first 32 pages.  Now glancing at some of the earlier comments, it looks like you significantly streamlined the writing, which is always a good thing.

Starting on page one, I'm wondering where Travis obtained all this equipment and how exactly he got it into his basement.  Supercomputers and "genetic chambers" are items that I'm guessing would run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars if not more.  Where does Travis get the funding for this?  I suppose if he was independently wealthy, I could buy it, but it sounds like he lives in a modest house and neighborhood.

In "The Fly" they explained away Goldblum's warehouse lab by saying he was funded by a corporation.  

Why does Travis not have a job if he's this brilliant?  Maybe he's an underappreciated genius, whose theories are simply too radical for mainstream science.  But, it seems you really need to explain why this guy does nothing except play around all day in a basement lab(which doesn't seem like the best place for a genetic experiments, btw.  Kinda hard to keep a sterile environment.)  What about having another separate structure on the property, like in the backyard, converted into a lab?

Montana Tony's.  Is there any reason you don't just call it Tony Montana's?  With all the velvet Tony Montana's in the restaurant, it would seem like a better fit.

p 6.  Didn't really get the notes on the take out menus joke.

p.7  When Astrid says: "Why you traded in theprom king for your science tutor is
still a mystery to me."  That's a brutal, humiliating swipe at Travis right in his face.  and he does...nothing.  No reaction at all.  Just a line about other prom queens being available.  To me this shows a character without a backbone who allows his mother in law to trample over him.  Renee's reasoning to leave the guy seems a little more apparent after that incident, but its still hazy.

p 8. "aides" should be aids.

p 9.  Oskar's line "Flight's tomorrow morning" ssems like it should have been said by Renee.

Renee:  "I woke up."  Ouch.  But, what exactly made her wake up?  We just don't have enough insight into their relationship right now to understand this breakup.

The "check this photo" scene is a good one.  

p 10  Is the hair taped next to the photo?  Maybe a line of explanation as to why it's there.

On page 11, Travis tells us about the lost baby, but since it's pure exposition, it doesn't have much power behind it.  Maybe if they still had some baby clothes that they had picked out.  I think having a baby item such as a tiny sock or shirt laid out in the album would hold more dramatic weight.

Okay, on page 12, we read that "Travis and Algernon look out a bay window as Renee's cab drives away."  In the very next scene, Wade sees the pool table in his backyard.  First question, how would Travis be able to haul a pool table from his basement to Wade's backyard by himself?

Next question:  When Wade walks over to Travis' backyard, we see that "Travis hasn't shaved in weeks."  How does this timing work out?  Renee said she was leaving for Tokyo the very next day.  How does Travis now have weeks of growth on his beard?

Funny scene having the clone dog dry hump himself.

Stig has a way of talking like a Swedish Frankenstein at times.  Like here:
We open the doors. People come in
and sit down. They eat things I
make. Give us money, then leave.

Are the Magnusson's supposed to be from Sweden?  Because at times I got the feeling Stig's command of English "not so good."

If Travis was this lovelorn it seems like he would have jumped at the chance to talk to Renee when she calls Stig.  Maybe a final word from her here could finally convince Travis that he has no shot at all at reconciling with his wife and this convinces him to go ahead with the cloning experiment.  Because, it is incredibly unethical after all, cloning someone without their permission.  Something has to drive Travis to that point of desperation.

I understand what you were going for with the line "Hello, flour. I miss you." on 26.  
But I think this would actually be a little confusing if you were watching the movie.  A lot of people would think Travis was saying "flower."

Good visual with supercomputer integrated with pipe organ.  The nightmare did go a bit too long, IMO.

p 32

TRAVIS
This is it. This is my chance. All
the same experiences in a new body
of possibilities. I've created a
get-out-of-divorce free card. This
is my flour!

Once again, I think the word "flour" would be confusing here.  And this dialogue really sounded on the nose.  You're telling us what we already know, because the previous paragraph explained the nine year old dna twist.  I think Travis cracking a wry smile would actually work better here.

Okay, so far got some mixed feelings on this one.  On one hand, it seemed like you were trying to base the science on real actual techniques and theories, but having Clone Wife appear was just hard for me to buy.  Someone brought up the Weird Science comparison, and that's certainly what this seemed like.  Of course with a whacky comedy like that, logic ain't a big concern.

And, I wanted to know more about how Renee and Travis' relationship went sour.  They broke up so quickly in this script, it's hard to even picture them as a couple.

So, I'll be interested to see how the clone wife impacts Travis life and the rest of the plot.











Revision History (1 edits)
Ryan1  -  November 3rd, 2011, 9:11pm
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leitskev
Posted: November 3rd, 2011, 8:26pm Report to Moderator
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Brett, my faith in you is restored. Got through the first act in minutes this time. Night and day difference. You really worked hard to rewrite this, and that can be tough to do for a lot of reasons, but hats off and thumbs up. So far all of the issues I recall from before have been fixed and fixed skillfully. I'm still a little unsure about the Cuban/Italian Montanna Tony's, but that's the least of issues. You even got rid of the alien cookbook! Sweet!

At least based on the first third, this reads like a breeze now. Nice job.
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conwall
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“HONEY, I CLONED THE WIFE”


Really liking it so far.

Awesome title.  This is a title bound to turn on Hollywood pros.  Two words, two syllables even!  The whole plot is evident immediately.  This is the definition of “high-concept” and it’s worth its weight in gold.  


Page 11, We should see him writing on the back of the photo, but not what he writes.  Let that mellow for awhile.  We don’t find out what it says until SHE reads it.

Page 12:  Band Aids is a proper name of a product.  Generic is bandages, or adhesive bandages.

Page 12:  Still like it a lot.  Starting to think of ways to shorten it.  Why does she want to break up with him in front of her whole family?  I mean, some of the family stuff is really funny.  “Let’s drink wine so we don’t have to talk so much.”  That’s funny.  But seriously, what would make a woman do that?  Fear?  He doesn’t seem like the threatening type.  

These kind of break up scenes are really fun to write, and sort of mine the depths of emotion present…but your call.  

Plus, again only a time saver, if we saw:

a. The picture
b. The check box question
c. The wedding ring.

We could parse every bit of this scene in two seconds.

As a rule, (I’ve heard) it’s always better to show than it is to say.

Pg 12:  Extension cord, lol.

Pg 14.  Is Algernon a cat?  Earlier you said he nudged somebody.  Cats nudge.  Dogs leap on.  Dogs don’t cough up hair balls either.  They lick their butts, of course.  But hey, who wouldn’t?

Pg 17, Drops a burrito in the dog bowl, lol.

Pg 18, When he’s alone he should just be talking to the dog instead of v.o. or typing.

Pg 19, The hollywood cliché is to have a long exterior shot showing weird lights emanating from inside the house.

Pg 21, I’m having a hard time understanding why Stig is being so nice to his soon to be former brother in law.  These people usually just forget they knew each other.

Pg 24, My interest is flagging.  If this is a movie about a guy who clones his wife you are in violation of the 20-page rule.  She should be cloned by page 20.  Instead I’m getting a visit that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.  

By the way these are notes that occur to me at the time, not after I’ve finished the whole thing.  Real time.  Hells yeah!  Real time.

Pg 25.  Hello flour.  Is funny on the page but people are likely to hear Hello, flower.  Unless, they remember the earlier scene.  

Pg 28.  Completely out of character that the guy would leave the experiment while it is going on so he could go upstairs and have his little dream sequence.  If you feel like you need to keep it he should at least be sleeping at the console.

Pg 32.  Sequencing remark is too on the nose.

On the nose dialog continues down the page.  Really bad.

Pg 36.  Interest flagging a little again.  Where is the conflict?  She came out perfect?  Honestly dude, I think the guy would be trying to just bang her.  Personally, a nine-year younger version of my wife would be much the turn on.  

Stephen King cloned some kids in ‘Pet Semetery’ and they were homicidal maniacs.  In the movie, ‘multiplicity’ the clones were progressively stupider.  

Shouldn’t she stink?  Or be dumb?  Or crazy?  Or, funny if she is exactly the same and she wants to leave him too.  Something.  Got to get this story moving.  It is a critical juncture.

The ‘Clone Wife’ identifier is over used on page 38.  Can’t it just be ‘she’ sometimes?

Pg 41.  Spine tingling on top of page 41.  Wow.  What a twist.  Just the right amount of clue.  Not overdone.  Could be close there.  Nice job.

However, too much description of the ice cream place.  I’d just call it “Ice Cream Joint” and be done with it.  Do the people who work there rate more than server 1 and server 2?  Slows me down.

Pg 46.  I can think of a lot funnier stuff Stig could be saying here.  He seems almost non-plussed which sort of hurts the script.  Can’t we raise the stakes as he threatens to go to the cops, or the FBI, or whatever?  Maybe he reacts to her like she’s a ghoulish monster, but she just thinks she has bad breath or something like that.

Pg 52.  A regular mom would probably think that Travis had drugged her, or threatened her, or something like that.  She’d be extremely suspicious.

Pg 56 is a good example of idiotic self help speak.  Reminds me of ‘Up in the Air’ with George Clooney.  The movie was so so, but the script was amazing.

Pg 57.  What’s botox, lol.

What is a frosted stromboli.  Can’t you make this joke without specifically identifying the food?

Pg 57.  Everybody is drinking a lot of wine?  No.  They may ‘still’ be drinking.  Or ‘continuing’ to drink.  But lots of wine?  That means they are guzzling while the camera roll which is probably not what you mean.

Pg 57.  There is no scrod, lol.  I bet only about 1 in 20 people get that.

Is that mist?  Or steam?

Okay, I guess it’s mist.

Pg 59.  Unfortunately, you kind of step on the prawn visual joke because we already saw the prawns in the kitchen earlier.  

Pg 60.  Nitpicky, I’m sure, but most of these reunions are in hotels and stuff, not really in the school gym anymore.

Pg 60.  “Plays a slow tune.”  I’m glad you don’t try to name the song.  Waste of time and amateurish.  But, it’s okay to say, “some 80’s slow tune” or something like that.

Oh, spelled iPod right, too.  Most people will get that wrong too.

Hoss should be in caps.

Pg 65.  Doesn’t she still have a key?

The scum bag comment seems a little out of character for Clone Wife.  She seems pretty easy going so far.  Wouldn’t she just be assuming there is a reasonable explanation for all of this?

Pg 71.  I’m feeling like I’m missing out on the French Farce thing.  I’m wishing there was a sequence that shows the two of them to Mom and Dad and Stig, and Guy or something where nobody realizes there are actually two of them.  Did you already think of this and dismiss it as too cliché?

Pg 79.  Funny here if somebody was trying to explain to the old biddies the difference between clones and zombies.  Because the old ladies don’t calm down around her until they get this bit sorted out.

Pg 82.  Still find myself wishing for more of a ticking clock motif here.  Why isn’t anybody (Guy?  Wade?) calling the cops to turn up the heat on the guy.  

Pg 93.  Typo:  “It’s not fault.”

In summation.  I really liked this script a lot.  Zils better than 95% of the dreck on this site.  Strong, fun, easy to understand premise.

Thoughtfully executed.  Several very funny (lol) moments plus a bunch of light laughs too.  

Spot on formatting, with just an extremely few changes I’d make.  


Your comments welcome on:  GOD GETS FIRED.  Comedy, 89 pages.  Humans are such a failure that God loses his job.  Worse, his ex-wife is appointed to oversee Earth’s destruction.  Luckily, God has a plan…but it’s not about saving us.  It’s about winning her back.

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GodGetsFired.pdf
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 4th, 2011, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Like the poster, especially the tag line.

Definitely has a very, very sellable vibe to it.

Not sold on the title.


Hey Rick,

The industry folk at Sherwood Oaks agreed with you.
And a couple said they weren't sure about the title.
But all agreed it's a title that provoked a strong reaction.
I'd say about 80% responded well to the title.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from leitskev

I also think I understand some of what has caused the problem here with the writing. When, as new writers, we start writing, we tend to overwrite, use asides, too much dialogue. We learn how to strip that down to the bare bones, become ultra efficient. Then, we start trying to build some writing back, develop a style. I think this is part of that process, and it's only your third feature, so everyone should be patient.

Ok, I have work to do. Getting behind schedule. I will be back to this and post here as an edit.



Hey Kevin.

Thanks for the Herculean effort you put forth on the old draft.
I did a poor job of managing my time while writing this particular draft.
I was getting into the swing of working in development with a producer.
And I thought that I could squeak this one out there. Boy, was I wrong.

So, I tool the bulk of October to rectify that mistake, from scratch.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Dreamscale
Hey Brett, I see you have a new script up and already have coverage and a poster.  You move fast my friend.


Hey Jeff,

Thanks for your expansive notes.
I wasn't ready. I should've been more thorough.
Sure, I was multitasking my brains out, but it's no excuse for that draft.

Thanks for the PM about the new fresh draft.
I'm glad you felt I turned it around in the new pages you checked out.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Grandma Bear
Brett, congrats on finishing another feature!!

Since I was going to give ZP another look, would you rather me read this one?


Give the new fresh draft of Clone Wife a gander when you can. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.
Hello Brett,

I like the poster. It gives me the feeling of what you want from this script and so I have to say that I honestly think you need to work on the "less is more" aspect.

I found the opening terribly hard to read and I'll give examples.

Sandra


Hey Sandra,

Thanks for opening this up.
I wasn't ready and y'all deserve better from me.
I went back to the drawing board, wrote a fresh draft from scratch.

Hope you wouldn't mind looking at it some time. Thanks.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 4th, 2011, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Quoted from Eoin
Read pages 10 - 25. Without repeating what as already been pointed out, I have to concur that you have gone from flirting with vivid descriptions right into serious heavy petting with novelistic prose. The action descriptions are creative, but redundant for a script. Think Bruce Lee, lean and mean. I think you need to go back to your outline and beat sheet and see what the you want out of this story. You have a great concept, you just need to find the right way of executing it.


Hey Eoin,

Thanks for cracking open this beast.
I'm very excited by the concept, hope I can do better.
This wasn't ready for a variety of reasons, all my fault. Except the medical stuff.
I took most of October to rework the script from scratch.
So, I went back to my note cards and cork board, started over.

Hope you wouldn't mind taking a gander at the new pages. Thanks.

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from B.C.
Hey E.D.

As Kev has already pointed out, you put so much into this forum, giving great advice to all and sundry, and coming across as a gentleman to boot.  You deserve all the reads in the world, and that probably wouldnt cover your input to the boards.

However, I've read a few pages and can't help but agree with the other posts upto now.

I had to read the first page 4 or 5 times to deconstruct your use of language and long sentences. It's a really difficult start and quite daunting.

Hope you are feeling better.

Mr. Case


Hey Mr. Case,

Thanks muchly for the kind sentiment and the read.
I just treat contributing members here the way I want to be treated.

I boned it on this draft, hopefully I've made amends with the new fresh draft.
I'd appreciate your thoughts on the new pages. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from B.C.


Wasn't he Cuban? Al Pacino's character? Why the Italian theme?

My movie geek radar is picking up all sorts of disturbances...


Thanks for pointing that out.
You'll see I address this very point in the fresh draft.
As a matter of fact, it becomes a "runner" in the new version. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from Sandra Elstree.

Brett,

I don't know what happened to you, but are you eating healthy? Like real food, not junky stuff and fast food?

I can see the hard work you put into the script. You probably worked too hard, if that makes sense.

I too, love the concept. I don't think it needs to be made more difficult than it actually is. Think: easy does it and I think it will go much easier. And don't worry about pleasing anyone. I think that if you're pleasing yourself, you will, by default please others because it shows through in the work.

Try that if you're having trouble and see how it works.

Sandra


Hey Sandra,

Yes, I do eat very well. I cook fresh foods. Eat salad every day, etc.
I also take supplements to boost my pokey metabolism.
And since I started writing, I power walk four miles a day.
Combine all that with two years of screenwriting, I've lost 70 pounds.

The arterial inflammation in my brain was stress related.
I've since taken steps to alter my schedule. Things have evened out.
I wasn't managing my time well between writing and working in development.
And couple that with a disastrous debut for Clone Wife, kinda put me over the edge.

I took the bulk of October to rework my schedule and the script.
But, the fresh draft of Clone Wife is up now and things are back on track. Thanks!

Regards,
E.D.


Quoted from jwent6688

I would rather see Travis on the verge of a breakthrough before Renee leaves. He begs her to stay. Also, He never talks to her on the phone after she leaves. I felt that odd. You fly through 30 days of experiment. Might want to interject a conversation in there.

James


Hey James,

Thanks for the suggestion.
Since you dived into the fresh draft already, you can see I took this idea to heart.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Ryan1
Posted: November 5th, 2011, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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Okay, picking back up on 33.  Is that a typo where it says "Algernon balks?"  I thought maybe you meant barks.

I know this a rom-com with a fantastical element to it, but I have to admit a certain logic problem jumps out at me.  Wouldn't clone wife take one look at Travis and see that he's nine years older?  Wouldn't that be a rather startling sight, considering she thinks it's nine years earlier and she simply was sleepwalking and woke up naked in the lab?  And the same logic can apply to her clothes in the closet.  Wouldn't she look around and think "am I losing my mind?  When did I buy any of this?"

You do address the technology factor when she looks at Swann's cell phone, but wouldn't Clone Wife notice how different all the cars look when she and Travis go out to buy ice cream?

p. 34 "Stig's just going to eat you up"  Seems like you need a reaction from Travis right here.  He's so happy over the success of the experiment and seeing Renee again, that the ramifications of what he's done hasn't hit him yet.  A look of "oh
sh!t" when she mentions Stig might work there.

Typo on 36  SWANN "How long have you know him?"

Typo on 37  CLONE WIFE "Oh, I think it would be wonderful
to catch up with, Guy."  no comma needed after with.

I'm wondering now if you should give Clone Wife an actual name.  Constantly reading "Clone Wife" just gets sort of cumbersome after awhile.  Maybe a nickname based off of Renee?  Like in Splice they called her "Dren."  

Good match cut on 41 from clone wife to Renee.

p 46.  Again, wouldn't Clone Wife find it very strange that Stig also looks nine years older?  Don't mean to harp on this point, but I can tell this is gonna be a problem for me.

p 47.  I do like how Travis spilled his guts to Stig.  And Clone wife overhears it.  Good.  I'm glad you're not stretching this clueless clone wife too far.  But, I didn't buy her reaction when she hears Travis say that she's a clone.  

"Clone Wife looks hurt, then furious"

Just seemed like the wrong words there.  Shocked, astounded, disbelieving, crushed"  More along those lines.  I mean, she just learned she's a freakin' clone.  That would be a headspinner.

But now I like the fact that Clone Wife knows the truth, and seems to plotting some chicanery of her own.

p 53  "You mean fifteenth."  Just a little confused as to how much clone wife knows at this point.  She knows she's a clone, but hasn't figured out it's 2011?   It's just at this point, she's seen her parents who look ten years older and undoubtedly new cars and all sorts of "advanced technology."  She must have figured it out by now, right?

The pacing of the story seems to have really slowed since we got to the book store and onto the restaurant.

I like that Stig got some revenge on Guy, although, the shellfish phobia was set up so overtly, the prawns didn't come as much of a surprise.  

p 61 "25 years? They got it wrong."  Man, I'm starting to think clone wife's brain didn't quite gel correctly.  It really seems like she would have figured it out by now.

End on 62 for now.  So, you didn't take this in the direction I was expecting once clone wife learns she's a clone.  I thought she was furious and was going to plan on doing something to Travis either at the book signing or the restaurant.  But, she didn't do much during these last thirty pages.

Like I mentioned, these last pages felt kind of bogged down and those logic issues kept bothering me.  It just feels right now that the story isn't exploiting its solid premise to its full potential.

But, I'm hoping for some fireworks when Renee shows back up.






















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Ryan1
Posted: November 6th, 2011, 2:55am Report to Moderator
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And finished.  Okay, I see my assumption was wrong that clone wife learned she was a clone before.  So, what exactly was she so hurt and furious about on p. 47?  Because, those feeling were never shown at any time during the rest of the evening.

So picking up on 63.  The story continues with this languid pace as we hit the playground scene.  The cul-de-sac donut scene was amusing, but kinda strange happening at the crack o' dawn.  

p 65.  You tell us Travis and Clone Wife are sleeping in the bed.  Seems like a missing scene here.  He's got the younger, hotter Renee.  They're going to bed for the first time since he cloned her.  Is Travis gonna bang her or not?  Does he have some last minute crisis of conscience over whether he should or not?  After that romantic night, they just sort of took a snooze.  I thought this was the moment Travis was waiting for.

Didn't get the meaning of Travis' line on 68:  "If I wasn't a scientist, would you
still have married me?"  Why does this make Renee tear up and want to puke?

p 70 "jaw spar"  never heard that one.

Wasn't sure exactly why Officer Pitt was issuing another citation on 72.

Very interesting twist when Renee realizes that she was pregnant at the time the hairs were taken.  But...would this automatically mean the clone is pregnant?  Hmm, I'm not sure of the science there, but since it's a comedy I think we can let it go.  However, I think at the very least you should have Clone Wife take a pregnancy test to verify.  This isn't just something you would assume, considering the rather bizarre situation.

p 74  think you might have a typo at the top where you have Renee say "What?"  Seems like that line was meant for Travis.

The wives go from nearly clawing their eyes out to being buddies pretty fast there.

With Wade, I felt like he didn't do much at all in this story.  I had high hopes for him at the beginning, as he was obviously crushing on Renee.  I thought you might make him a nutty, horndog Quagmire character.  But, on the rare occasions he does show up, he's more of a sounding board for Travis to vent on.

p 77 looks like Astrid's dialogue is missing a word when she says "And we know all too well that gets harder, as we get older."  sounded like you meant to have the word "life" in there.

Gotta say, all the people in the Old Biddies shop seem unbelievably unimpressed that there is a genuine human clone standing among them.  I mean, there's just no reaction from them at all.  They give Clone Wife an apron and put her to work.  It just stretches credibility beyond the breaking point, IMO.

The script is really lagging in the tension department.  I was hoping once Renee and Clone Wife took off in the car, there might be some interesting Thelma and Louise type spin.

Sorry, but I didn't buy the sudden and inexplicable Guy-Travis bonding scene.  No way.  Guy also seems so cavalier about the whole successful human cloning thing.  Travis has made one of the greatest breakthroughs in the history of science and these people are acting like he discovered the cure for jock itch or something.

So, I'm on page 84, I see there are only about 12 pages left in the story and we have a three page pictionary scene.  This is where the story should be boiling out of control, but everything has a very tepid feel to it.  

At the playground scene, Clone Wife has forgiven Travis?  Why?

I wasn't sure what they were all doing in that motel room or what Travis would have a royalty check from.

I liked the nailed cell phone the first couple times you used it.  But, I think you finally went to that well once too often with the college classroom scene.

Good line on 93
RENEE
I'm having a baby! Drive!

But why exactly would Renee be Lamaze breathing on the race to the hospital?  

p 95 Another use of "balks."  That's number three in the script.  Every time I read that, I think of a pitcher on the mound.

Question about the baby:  why would anything be different about it this time?  It wasn't strong enough to survive the first birth, and it's DNA is exactly the same, why would it be born strong and healthy this time?

It's an undeniably cool scene with older Renee helping her younger self through the birth, though.

Didn't buy clone wife giving up her baby.  I just can't see a woman giving up her baby that easily, even if she is gving it up to herself.  I thought she loved Travis.  Why is she leaving?  And if she's leaving, doesn't she finally deserve a name?  Maybe use her middle name?

TRAVIS (V.O.)
You can't see the bond. But if you
accept it for what it is, then
you're saved.

I guess that went over my head.  I'm sure it's profound, I just didn't get it.

So, this is a script that I truly wanted to like, because I think the premise has legs.  And it does have several memorable scenes.  But, I just don't think that you jumped on that premise like you should have.  You sort of danced around it and played with the idea.  Also, as I have mentioned the logic issues and the reactions of the people to Clone Wife made the story lose credibility for me.

It's definitely more rom than com.  For me, at least, it was kinda short on laughs and heavy on the sentimentality.  A chick flick, to be sure.  The idea of cloning is nothing new, from Multiplicity to Splice to that episode of the Simpsons where Homer buys the magic hammock and creates an army of Homer clones.  But I felt this script didn't have enough drive behind it or tension within it.  The stakes were never clear for Travis.  Once he got his clone wife, his character seemed at a complete loss, and the story meandered instead of picking up speed.  You've got a solid idea here, but the story never grabbed me.  I think the premise presents all sorts of opportunities, though.  

Again, this is all just IMO.  Some people might absolutely love it.  You're definitely a skilled wordsmith who can turn a phrase with ease.  

Good luck with it and if you have any additional questions about my notes, lemme know.

Ryan


  










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