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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Thistles Moderators: bert
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  Author    Thistles  (currently 15742 views)
Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 8th, 2012, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Spoiler!

I think some of the things you allude to in the script could be conveyed best through dialogue. I understand what you are saying about not hitting people over the head with the material, but I think it will be best to do so. Cause sometimes action doesn't work. It's what they say. People talk alot and say want is on their minds. lol.

Like the incest. I didn't get that early on. I thought Sazha was referring to the drugs since it was established that Turrell does drugs. It was a great shock at the end but, it feels kind of like it came out of left field type of shock. That sexual relationship wasn't established enough between Sazha and Turrell.

Gabe

P.S., my script was originally titled Cain but, I changed it to Dark Entrance.


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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danbotha
Posted: August 4th, 2012, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Marc,

This is more of a thank-you than a review. I read this script about a month before I joined SS. It was the first un-produced script I have read, and boy, was it a good way to start my reading over here. In short, this script was absolutely brilliant and remains, to this day (hold your breath) my favourite script on SS. The writing is quick and easy to read and your story is just awesome.

So, why the thank-you? If I didn't pick up this script, I would have overlooked this website and probably never returned. I would still be writing with the same mistakes and not learning from anything. So, thank you, mate.

Daniel


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rc1107
Posted: August 6th, 2012, 7:55am Report to Moderator
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Hey Daniel.

Thank you very much for the compliments.  Glad you came to SS.

I haven't been around too much these past couple months, (I haven't really been online much these past couple months.)  But now with the busy summer winding down and the kids going back to school in a couple more weeks, I hope to get back into the SS groove of things a little more, and become more acquainted with some of the newer members, who, just browsing around the site when I can, have been doing a lot of contributing.

So you should be seeing me around more and more soon.

Glad you decided on making 'Thistles' your first script to read at SS, and I'm honored that it's still your favorite so far.

Thanks again for the compliments.

- Mark


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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: January 26th, 2013, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark.  So, new to the board, and was seeking a drama script to read and was suggested to read this, and got through this in technically one sitting.

First of all, your log-line was enough to make me interested.  But it seems a little bland and I don't mean this in a mean way at all.  I would consider revising it to make it more enticing.  Maybe focus on your female lead more, since by the time I got finished, I knew this was her story and not the teachers.

As for the actual screenplay, it was a great read.  Pithy pacing that was kept moving.  Although the idea for the screenplay seems like a mix of things we've seen before, overall, I still enjoyed reading this.  When I first read your log-line, I thought of a movie I had seen before called Akeelah and The Bee, which I enjoyed.  This seemed like a new version of that, but much more fresh and grittier.  It has an "indie" feel to it, which I loved, 'cause I am a huge lover of independent indie-cinema.

SPOILERS HERE-AFTER --

The moment that caught me was when our main character gets naked in Mr. Crandall's apartment was the hooking-moment.  From then on-wards, I knew I'd finish this.  When she did that, it was so unexpected and shocking, and a great hook to a reader.  Up until then, everything had just been "okay" but then it got better after that.

The incest story-arc was shocking.  It came, maybe, a little too out of the blue, but at the same time it added to the shock of the story and I never seen it coming.  It added to the gritty feel of the screenplay.

Also, you have great characters.  You're a great writer, don't let anyone say any different.  This was a great read.  The dialogue was all flowing and enjoyable and nothing was bland or out of character for those who spoke it.  Sazha was my favourite, and the dialogue with her friends was interesting and felt natural.

Another thing I want to mention is the ball-sy move you did with the abortion.  I hated Cora, yet I loved her.  I was so conflicted, and then that happened, and wow it was great.  

Overall, this was a great read.  It had an "independent" feel, and the writing was great.  The only thing that REALLY bothered me was having the scene-headings in bold-text.  I don't mind it with transitions, but for headings I am not really a fan.

So, yes.  Great read.  All your characters were "real" people to me.  This was a moving story, that was tragic (in a good way).  If this were a real movie, I'd have it sitting on my DVD shelf!  Movies like this I really enjoy, and I can say the same for the screenplay you have here.

Well done, and the best of luck with wherever you take this in the future.

-- Curtis


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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rc1107
Posted: January 27th, 2013, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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Hey Curt.

Well, the first thing you bring up is the log-line, and that's what's giving me the most trouble about this one.  I definitely don't like what I came up with, but my mind's been blank for a very long time on how to improve it.  I've tried focusing on other aspects of the story, but nothing still stands out about it.  I'm going to keep trying, but you're right, I do have to figure out something to make it more enticing.

Yeah, the incest-angle does come a little too out of the blue, and I've thought a lot about that, too.  I toyed around a bit with not having it in there at all and just giving little tiny hints that he might be and might not be visiting his sister at night.  When I did make the decision to add it in the story, I might not have went back and foreshadowed it so good.  I've been taking a long look at doing that, too.


Quoted from curt
Another thing I want to mention is the ball-sy move you did with the abortion.


That part is going to be hit and miss for a lot of people.  Eventhough I'm not too big a fan of horror anymore, I still consider myself a horror writer who works under the guise of drama, so when that shock hits, it's amplified because most people aren't expecting it.

That being said, I admit I did go too far in showing what was happening on screen.  That'll never be filmed.  But I really don't mind showing too much in the spec script since I know it'll be watered down during filming anyway.  I figured if I have everything up there up front, when it does get time to cut description down, the idea of what happened'll still be there and that sick, lingering feeling will still be captured.

Thank you very much for the compliments, Curt.  I appreciate your thoughts on this one.  Welcome to the boards again and I can't wait until 'Run For Your Life' hits the boards.  Looking forward to it.


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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: January 27th, 2013, 11:39am Report to Moderator
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I am sure a log-line will come to you soon enough.  I think the one you have is fine, interesting enough, but if you're looking to capture it more and make it more fitting to the screenplay then I am sure something will come to you

The incest angle did come out of the blue, but I still loved it! It gave the screenplay that urban, gritty and shocking feel.  I am glad you decided to keep it in!  However, I agree with you, it could have been more fore-shadowed earlier on during reading.

And I agree with the abortion, and the showing.  It worked to your benefit And no worries about the review, I really would love to see this grace the screen so I really wish you the best of luck!  And thanks about "Run For Your Life" I submitted it yesterday, and I know it'll take Don a while to get up, but I am happy you look forward to it!

-- Curtis


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: January 27th, 2013, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark,

I read 'Pond' when it first posted and really enjoyed it, so I was excited when I seen more work from you bumped up.

You are talented in the tension and dialogue department, Tamika and Roberta's dialogue was paced perfectly.

Page 11 & 12, She also keeps her eyes peeled for any cars that might pull into Planned Parenthood's parking lot. Nicely done, great character development.

An embarrassed WOMAN sits in the passenger's seat of the car, her face in her hands. Again, nice visual to make the tension stand out.

Page 15, WHAT! This story is flying by, the plot thickens...

Page 34, I can't help but read Smithers and think of Mr. Burns.

Page 44, Even the protestors are taken aback as Cora keeps pounding the woman's head over and over with the sign. I'm really liking the planned parenthood scenes.

Page 47, I'm intrigued on the way you handled Crandell's downward spiral, but I'm having a hard time buying into Sazha's dialogue here, although her actions seem believable.

Page 50, Is this inspired by "Breaking Bad" at all? It has the vibe, I'm very curious.

Page 51, OFFICER #1
(shrugs)
Thoughtful guy, though. He made
for an easy clean-up.

LOL!

Page 53, I like the juxapostion between the two funerals. I know you didn't make any metion of a tombstone, but I would suggest something basic like a aluminum tag stake with Crandell's name stickered on it.

Page 64, Cora kicks her in the bulging belly over and over. This is intense, Cora is your most dimensional character. UPDATE: HOLY SHIT, DUDE!

This was a thrilling read, great tension with an intense climax. The ending was great, everything came around full circle. I am a huge fan of the psychological ideas you brought to the table here, one of my favorites on the site.

Johnny

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oJOHNNYoNUTSo  -  January 27th, 2013, 1:50pm
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rc1107
Posted: January 28th, 2013, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey Johnny.

Thanks for your thoughts and compliments on this one.


Quoted from Johnny
You are talented in the tension and dialogue department, Tamika and Roberta's dialogue was paced perfectly.


I submitted this to a screenplay contest recently and in the feedback I got it mentioned how great and real the dialogue was.  One of the readers even mentioned how they noticed that Sazha's dialogue changes and she picks up the nuances of how they talk.  (When she talks with Crandall, she's a little more eloquent.  When she talks with her mom, she's more respectful.  When she talks with her friends, she's a little more ghetto.  And when she talks with Smithers, she picks up his polite drawl.)  All the while keeping her shy and awkward personality.

I'm happy to see people are catching on to that.


Quoted from Johnny
Page 15, WHAT! This story is flying by, the plot thickens...


Yeah, this isn't quite a 'Save the Cat' script.  I knew this was going to be a slow burning story, so early on while developing this, I tried to place a plot point every 5-8 pages to pick up the pace and keep the story rolling.  I think it might've been to a fault, though, because the reader's mentioned the story happens too quick, like an outline.


Quoted from Johnny
Page 34, I can't help but read Smithers and think of Mr. Burns.


Thanks.  Now I can't, either.  :-)  Actually, I was just sitting back listening to Tom Waits and saw a couple pictures of him.  I wanted to use him as an image of the old liquor store owner, and for some reason or other, he just looked like somebody who would be named Smithers.  The Simpsons reference pops in my head every now and then, but is quickly replaced by Tom Waits' image.


Quoted from Johnny
Page 44, Even the protestors are taken aback as Cora keeps pounding the woman's head over and over with the sign. I'm really liking the planned parenthood scenes.


The readers for the contest were really fond of those, too.  They mentioned how powerful and character-revealing they were.


Quoted from Johnny
Page 50, Is this inspired by "Breaking Bad" at all? It has the vibe, I'm very curious.


I've heard great things about it, but I'm not a big T.V. fan.  (I haven't even had cable since 2006.)  I've never seen 'Breaking Bad', but I do know it's about a teacher who starts dealing meth or something, so I understand where you're coming from it has the same vibe.

I think I got the idea of bringing a white teacher into a ghetto neighborhood from the movie 'Dangerous Minds'.  Of course, I took it in a totally different direction and focused on very different themes.


Quoted from Johnny
Page 53, I like the juxapostion between the two funerals. I know you didn't make any metion of a tombstone, but I would suggest something basic like a aluminum tag stake with Crandell's name stickered on it.


:-)  As you could see at the end, I was saving the make-shift tombstone for Crandall's son and Sazha's private little ceremony.


Quoted from Johnny
Page 64, Cora kicks her in the bulging belly over and over. This is intense, Cora is your most dimensional character. UPDATE: HOLY SHIT, DUDE!


And that's where I probably won't do too good in the contest.  Myself, I love those difficult scenes and more-than-likely won't change them any time soon, because I am at heart an exploitation writer, but the readers did mention it was way too graphic.  They said there's a time and a place for violence, and that wasn't it.  Hopefully, the judge'll see through the story and know where the violence is coming from.


Thank you very much for the read, Johnny.  And again, thanks for the compliments.  I know I've read your two shorts that I've seen, but do you have any features posted on the site?

- Mark


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: February 3rd, 2013, 7:44am Report to Moderator
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Congrats on becoming a Bluecat Quater finalist.

Hopefully someone picks this up.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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jwent6688
Posted: February 3rd, 2013, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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Congrats Youngstown! Just echoing Gabe.

James


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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: February 3rd, 2013, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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This deserves to be picked up!  It would be so gritty and so good on-screen!  You deserve it!  I'm Irish, so I wish you luck! *sprinkles Irish luck over the Thistles thread*...

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 3rd, 2013, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
Congrats on becoming a Bluecat Quater finalist.

Hopefully someone picks this up.

Gabe


Nice going, Mark!
I've always held this script in pretty lofty regard.
May it bring you everything you deserve.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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rc1107
Posted: February 4th, 2013, 2:53am Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys.  (Gabe, James, Curt and Brett.)

I was excited when I saw the news.  But damn it, this is only going to get my hopes up now.  :-)

Thank you again.


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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2013, 6:03am Report to Moderator
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Good luck Mark!
Crossing my fingers for you.


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rc1107
Posted: February 4th, 2013, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you very much, Libby!

After this and with 'Pond' and 'Burnside' being on the boards, I feel like I've been hogging the portal recently.

Maybe I'll wait a couple more weeks before I post up my next story.

Thank you.


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