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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  The White Women - Feb 2011 OWC Moderators: Grandma Bear
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  Author    The White Women - Feb 2011 OWC  (currently 6264 views)
Don
Posted: February 26th, 2011, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The White Women by Vasili Blokhin - Short - Sometimes old myths are more than just old myths

A February 2011 One Week Challenge script. - pdf, format


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bert
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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There seem to be several stories going on here, and frankly, too many characters whose names begin with the letter A.

The fairy and bedtime flashback are effective, though two pages might be a bit much for it, and the tale of the men is interwoven well into the exchanges between the mother and daughter.

But the wheels sort of come off when Alec arrives home.  There is no explanation or context for what happens next, and it is a bit inexplicable given the tale Ina shared with her daughter.

Looking back, I see the tiniest hint of foreshadowing in the first exchange between Arabel and her little friend, and perhaps it is there you can expand a bit more, making things a bit more explicit so that what happens later actually makes sense.

In fact, my guess is that the author was rushing and something vital was cut from this tale.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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RayW
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Vasili

Well... I like it, but it's broken up something unnatural.

Even back in the olden times, when life was much more tough, mithers and fithers likely did not tell their seven year old stories of their father's lusty antics with women - real or magical.

I'm not real clear on why dad came home freaky and bloody.
Don't know why mom's on the spit.
Don't know why all the little fairies are keeping Arabel safe that night. Surely that unnatural glow will bring unwanted attention the child's way.

It's all good. Just disjointed. A mosaic.
Good style, though.  



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stevie
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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A well-constructed tale of ancient myth.

The use of the language of the times made it more authentic and wasn't confusing(as some can be).

The imagery of the sith was nice - I remember reading a tale of them attacking hunters within the circle of horses - good scene that.

Very strong writing and formatting. Like Bert and Ray ,i was a liitle confused about Alec's bit at the end. I think i got a vague grasp but it needs to underline more.

Nice effort and one of the better ones of theis OWC for me.


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leitskev
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is so well done here, not just technically but in terms of imagery and dialogue...that I am a little disappointed in the story. I probably am missing something and I very much look forward to have this gap in my understanding filled.

First, a mother is telling her 7 yr old daughter a story about an adventure of her father's, one she has told before. And it involves a telling of the sexual desires and even boasts of the men with him on the trip? A boast about the size of his manhood?

But then moving on, I've read this twice and I am obviously missing a big element. The mother's tale of the father's adventure was something that happened years ago. I don't understand the connection to what happens. ---I just read a third time, still cannot figure out what happened to Alec, why he went the way he did. Driving me crazy! Is there another chapter?
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Ledbetter
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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I'm with Stevie on this one. A very well written script.

The period language was spot on and added to the authentisity.  

The multi -A names were a bit off putting but that's an easy fix.

Great job!

Shawn.....><
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Ryan1
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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This script had some great visual elements.   The little faeirie talking to the girl, and then certain parts of the hunting trip to the north shores were done well.  But, it's hard to imagine a mother telling a little girl a bedtime story where a guy brags about the size of his wang.  That line spoiled a lot of the dreamy quality of the piece up until that point.

I think I understand that final scene, where Dad comes back and he's finally succumbed to the Sith.  Although, I didn't get why he had to roast his wife.  A few too many missing parts in that last sequence.

This script did a good job of evoking Celtic imagery.  Nice work for one week.

Revision History (1 edits)
Ryan1  -  March 1st, 2011, 8:04pm
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BryMo
Posted: February 28th, 2011, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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You have a niche for writing dialogue of this time period. Actually, you have a niche for writing. Period.

This is undoubtedly my favorite and I am glad to have read it. Thank you.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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dn061903
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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This one seemed a bit scattered to me.  There was the fairy and then the story about the Dad and his buddies getting it on with the four women.  

imo, it would've been cool to perhaps concentrate on one of the angles, as opposed to combining them.

Story is well written and has potential.  Just didn't do it for me.
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c m hall
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS and some whining.

The writing is very good, the story is poorly developed, in my opinion.  There's a difference between building tension and outright manipulation of the audience -- that's what happens in this script, I think, the mother's tale is brutal, she knows it, the child knows it, and they also know that the father is out there again, in harm's way.  Also, they both believe that the tale is true -- that's the part that makes it seem manipulated, to me -- I find it difficult to believe that a community with wives, mothers, sisters, aunts, would not devise something that would counteract the spell that those White Women cast on the men... sure they're good men, but why send them into temptation without a totem, or camphor or some kind of anaphrodisiac. The community would not have survied to see a second generation.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 10:02am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This was mostly well written, but there were things in it that bothered me as it moved along.

The talk of the seal hunt and the girl asking "Why do they need to kill the seals? They're so cute" and the mother replying "We need them to survive. It's just the way it is."

Since she's apparently heard the story many times before, I would think she'd already asked that question. Also, when the story was told, I thought, wha? She's telling this to a little girl? And tons of times to boot? It seemed out there given that everything else seemed set up as a children's story.

The end seems to come out of the blue. Really, I think it ruined the whole thing. We're not really left with anything. Her parents are dead and that's it.

For this one, if you can just work out some kind of balance and make it a little more logical and meaningful, I think it will be a solid piece of work.

Also, I think a writer needs to be careful about inserting "issues" like the seal hunt stuff into scripts where they don't belong. If it's part of a greater theme, then yes, alright. Otherwise, it feels wrong and forced.

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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grademan
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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THE WHITE WOMAN * I was hooked on this from fade in * questions: did the other three men come home? was ina a fool for believing her husband would come home? If the fairy knew what happened, did ane know? * dual story lines didnít bother me * one of the better entries
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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An effective set up derailed by a vague conclusion.
You nailed the atmosphere for the most part.
A schlong joke in the kid's bedtime story? Really? Mood killer.
If the wee lass knew daddy was in trouble, why was she so sedate about it?
The language worked for the most part, but the Fither Mither stuff grated over time.
You have a way with imagery, a conclusion polish we help here. Thanks for playing.

E.D.


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jwent6688
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 7:36pm Report to Moderator
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Gonna have to admire the writing. Very well done with some great visuals. Double space those slugs though. It looks cluttered.

I think the fact that you chose to tell this through a flashback took away your ability to build tension or add to the eeriness of this legend. It needs more pages for that.

I liked the dialogue alot, very real, but the characters started to sound the same to me. That may just be because I'm unfamiliar with this tongue a bit. I understand it, I just couldn't write it.

Other than that, i liked this story.

Good job writing a script in a week...

James


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James McClung
Posted: March 1st, 2011, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
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Eh. I suppose by most standards, it's "good" but, even being the first script I've read, I can't imagine it'll stand out from the crowd all that much. The period appropriate dialogue was a nice touch but I'm sure it's not the only entry to boast that. The actual encounter with the Sith was pretty generic, albeit not without atmosphere, and the end just felt like the token twist tacked on the end of pretty much every short out there. I really can't rag on it for anything especially poor but I think this one pretty much suffered from being overly adequate. Too modest, really.  The title was good though. The reason I picked it out of the bunch. Good job, I suppose. Certainly didn't feel rushed or sport any real problems which are usually the byproduct of one week's work.


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