Lycanthrope by James McClung - Horror - A mysterious guest with a monstrous secret wreaks havoc at a roadside bed and breakfast. 94 pages - pdf, format

Hey James, You're probably on your way to costa rica right now, hope u had a good time

I just finished reading this and it was pretty good, it had it's ups and downs, but it was an interesting take on this subject.


SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!









Okay, first I liked your opening, if it wasn't for your title I wouldn't have guessed what was going on.  I liked how it just started, you got right into it without wasting any time, and we got to know what kind of person Wier was from the start, in fact I would say he is the REAL villian of this story, not the subject.

I do wish we got to know a little bit about the subject that could give the ausience a little empathy for him, because we do see later on what he went through, but we know nothing about him, I think that would give a little more emotion other than just him being a killing machine.

I loved the dialog on the bottom of page 6 and top of 7, funny stuff there

I can tell by your dialog you are not a fan or My chemical romance or the used...LOL, at least that's what I got out of it, but what about underoath huh...hmmm, I wonder.

I liked how you introduced your 3 leads, but I have to say this, I hated phill, I hated him with a passion, like I have to say I REALLY hated him, all he did was pick on Cody and say "fuck", there was really nothing to him, I was wondering how he and Rory could be friends.  I got the idea that they have been friends since they were little, but there should be something to like about him, just a little, but I couldn't find anything, I just wanted him to die.  Mybe you could add something there, maybe when they were young something happened that made them so close, I dunno, just a thought.

I did like Rory and Cody though, I felt a real realationship there which is good, becasue if there wasn't there would be nothing to invest in.

I liked Ernie, but I knew he was a gonna after his introduction.

Mimi was cool and I liked the scene with her and Cody, that was a nice touch, we got to know her a little bit.

the yuppie, I knew he was dog food right away, what a fuck, I hope it hurt.

you had some good gross out scenes, I liked that.

then there is the bulk of the story that kind of reminded me of cujo in a way, except this is a basement not a car.

Phil wanting to go out after it seemed kind weird, maybe if he was stoned or something, but who would think they had a shot against them, didn't feel right to me, but the fight scene was cool I'll grant you that.

once Weir showed up and took over, I just didn't like his plan, I don't know why, it just rang false to me.

The final fight was good, it had some great moments there, so good job

I did not like the ending, the climax was good, but the last 2 pages, after everything that happened they still decide to go to the rock concert, I dunno, I know people like their rock concerts, but after going to hell and back I would just wanna go home.

In the end I thought it was pretty good with some good gore and some neat idea's, I just didn't care for some of the characters, and the plan at the end.  anyways keep up the good work.  

Hey James,
I've just downloaded the script and will give it a read in the next few days. I'll probably post the review sometime before you get back, so I'm not sure why I'm typing this post...

I am writing this as I go along so here it goes:

On the first couple pages the scientists would just open the door no matter how much they hit it. It reminded me of those subway comercials, "Its okay, we beat the shit out of it today". Plus you need a couple more guards with them when they open the door.

The college students on pages 6-7.. I hope they arent a major part of the script because I have spent little time with them and I hate them already. The whole "arguement" thing is stupid. They just call each other names like the kids on South Park. It just doesnt work.

Again more bad dialogue with Rory (which is the name of a character in a script I am writing btw) Cody and Phil. Having three guys say "fuck" for 4 pages isnt dialogue. I understand they are all wierd punk guys but still.. Oh and Phil seems to be the deepest into the rocker thing and his name is Phil... um no. His real name can be phil but give him a nick name like... well make it something freaky to fit him. Oh and again, I dont like these people either. I hope they arent major and if they are i hope they die quickly. That punk/goth thing is annoying.

I think you established the character of Wier well so far. It's nice to have a different sort of character in a James McClung original.

Page 15, Phil says its hard out here for a pimp? Phil is a metalhead not a gangster.

Why are three GUY metalheads going to stay at a bed and breakfast? Wouldnt they at least stay in a motel? Bed and Breakfast = expensive place for newlyweds and happily marrieds to get it on, not for fucking wierdo's to stay.

The monster has the potential to be really cool looking if the effects designer doesnt screw it up, nice job.

I dont know about you but if someone was howling and then sent me paper saying "bring me meat" I would be outta there in a heartbeat. I dont think Cody was hesitant enough.

At the bottom of page 31 you need to put a space between two peices of dialogue.

Ahhh. It is so satisfying when the yuppie dies. That is one of me biggest pet peeves.. when people think kids dont know ANYTHING... its good to see ass holes like that get what is coming to them . From the look of it you hate people like that too.

They seem waaaay to calm when they talk on the phone. Mimi is a calm person, yes, but she is too calm.

The fight with Phil is annoying an unrealistic. No one would do that, he would be in the basement crying with everyone else. If he magicly did go out to fight he wouldnt have near the courage he did. Plus the things he says are just stupid.

Thank god phil died in pain. I hated him. Hate is a strong word and I hated him with a passion.

I like what you tried to do with the sympathy points at the end. That said it is the end and its too late for me to gain sympathy for The Subject. Maybe if you did it at the beginning.

Finally! Its over. Some final thoughts:

This script could still use some work.. a lot of it. This isnt near your best script. Abattoir imo was your best script.

I hated most of the characters and was greatful when they died.

I did like Cody, Rory, and Mimi. Yay for them living!

I hated everyone that died.

I didnt even like Rory or Cody at first because they acted like total idiots when around Phil.

I was just glad to see the end.

It sees like you use the same characters in every script. Dont get me wrong, they are well developed but I think we have read Rory and Cody in your last two scripts, Abatoir *sp* and House of God

** out of *****

Hey James seen as i've read your other screenplays i might as well read this one.  Again this will be while i'm at work so it'll probably take a few days but i'll try and leave more feedback with this one.  I hear your away so i'll probably have time to read and post before you get back anyway.

Well, I told ya I'd read it and I did.

Werewolf stories, to me, are like Zombie and Vampire stories. All the same. You really have to do something in these genres for me to like them or to even get me to wanna trudge thru them. This goes for finished film format or screenplay format.

So, I was actually surprised by the simple fact I got thru your screenplay here without bitching or leaving it sit for a couple hours unattended. You should feel good in that respect, cause if you can keep me interested you've done something... believe me.

So on with the on here.

You write really good. It's all pretty clear, cut and dry. I liked the punchy nature of the descriptions and such.

You did something that's pretty cool with this script, actually, and not to many will probably even pick up on it. I'm actually gonna leave it up in the air at the moment and see if any one else does make mention of it... I don't think they will, though. Hell, I don't even know if you wrote it like that on intent, but it plays out very well and actually makes it a different kind of "NEW" werewolf take.

Your characters... eehhhhh, you know... I dunno here. I didn't like a good deal of them. I think some of them were border line absurd with the heavymetal references. I mean, you wrote them well and you had some good bits of dialogue for them in here, it's just that I don't think they appeal to me.  I did, however, chuckle at the 3 solo's for every song at the start of the script... beign a musician myself.

I just felt like you went back to the same material a lot of times to get these characters over. Although it was different in scope, a lot of what they were talking about had the same meaning behind it.

Gonna go out on a limb and say Weir "the scientist/Doctor" is the best character... He was really cool. Very throwback and that was a good add to the overall script.

I didn't buy the Rory and Cody plot line. I didn't like that whole... dependant, not so dependant in the end set up. It seemed standard fair, but it did, at the same time, add a little to the script too. I don't think I'd fault it on them merits alone... So, yeah, scratch that last bit. "lol"

I felt it had a little "DEAD n' BREAKFAST" vibe going for it... and then that was changed a little bit and then it kinda went back to that same vibe. Right now, after thinking about it... I think the location is there but that's it. For all intents and purposes, though, it couldve been in a steak house, ya know? So, it's not a big deal really.

I think the wolf takes too long to materialize in all honesty. I think that the 1st kill, be it even a neunesical character, should take place about page 15, maybe even 12... You have a lot of build up here and character development but in the midst of this I'd like to have seen something early on to let me know what these characters are gonna be getting into. Although, the intro sets up for this... I'm still left with the feeling the 1st act is a little incomplete at times. Not badly incomplete, just... "From dusk till dawn" kinda incomplete.

After this mark, though, the script really got kicked into high gear. I mean, this thing was pretty non stop at times. It was a melding of several werewolf flicks but the one bit I'd most lay down to was the Werewolf segment in WAX WORK... I don't know why, but that is how I'd like to see this wolf. A visceral beast.

In the end I really liked it, for what it was. A "WEREWOLF" script... much like "underneath" this script held my interest and was above all else, really good for a typical genre film. I'd pay to see this in the theaters if they didn't FUCK it up with a trendy, made for MTV, cast and then slap some shitty hiphop music on it.

I do have a little tinge of not liking the ending, though. I don't think, much like ol' buddy up there somewhere said, that these two would go on to the concert. This has been a night of hell and dry heaves for these guys... I don't, I know I wouldn't, see myself going to a concert after all this... I'd be in church or selling the movie rights to Hollywood... I think an Iron Maiden concert would be the last thing on my mind... Matthew Good concert, that's a different story.  "lol"

I also think the line "He's probably partying with Dime Bag" nah... omit, omit, omit that line.

All in all, 4 out of 5. Really well written, complete script here. This is something you'd see pop up in theaters, by and large, today and go see it with friends. It would be a lot of fun to see these situations played out on screen and I'd be up for it... if done right.

Baltis~

Hey James:


Okay, so I read the script and have some thoughts on it, so here goes. Also, my usual disclaimer for all reviews - these are my opinions, so please take them like that  - just an opinion:


PLOT:

Pretty simplistic idea. A genetic experiment escapes a secret labratory and wreaks havoc at a small bead and breakfast. Sounds good to me.

I like the Bed and Breakfast setting (kinda like Dead and Breakfast), but I felt you missed the mark. At the end, it could have been any generic location for the movie. If you want the Bed and Breakfast to be the main setting, work on it for the rewrites. Make it necessary for the story that the film takes place here (ie it's good that you have the subject stay there - but WHY?)

I found around ther 60 page mark that I started to lose interest in the script. Sometimes it can be problematic if a plot is to straight-forward. In these instances, you want to make sure the characters keep the idea a float. I found my mind wandering a little during the last half of the script.

CHARACTERS:

You're gonna hate me dude, but I just did not connect with ANY of the characters. I can't quite put my finger on the reasoning. I didn't feel ANY connection to the death metal character traits. It just doesn't work and does not excite me at all. For a movie that takes place mainly in a single location, it is imperative that you have well round characters that can keep the script interesting (even if it's a horror or action).

I did'nt like them and did not root for them at all. I didn't care if they won or if they lived. Sorry.

PS - I did not like those characters in the sport car. Not necessary for the story.

DIALOGUE:

There are sprinkles of good, quirky dialogue, but the script is filled with exposition from all characters. Show, don't tell. I found unecessary exposition on pages 11,14,15,30,31 etc..etc. If you work on exposition and change from telling us to showing us, it will help round the characters a little better - which will be a great benefit.

Also - I hated the EMO conversations. How many times did they say that? And the swearing - I found a little over the top. Heck, I have swearing in my scripts too, but I found it unecessary and helped lead me to liking the characters less.

BELIEVABILITY:

Well, this is a werewolf tale and so we have to check certain beliefs at the door. I liked the concept of genetic experiments. It's thought out and well done. Definitely the high point in the script.

As for certain the script itself, I found certain scenes to be unbelievable, even for a werewolf tale. For instance (off the top of my head), the first time we interact with the werewolf at the B&B - Would Cody really go find him meat? Also, do we really expect Mimi to hang up from 911 and try to call Animal Control? F-that. I'd find a way to get the police there pronto (especially when Ernie bites the dust). Finally - I laughed when Phil brought out is bullet whip. Though I suspect I wasn't supposed to laugh...

OVERALL:

The concept is fine James, it's just the execution that needs re-worked. I like the opening scene (though it still needs work) and the concept of the escaped subject. I also like the idea of it terrorizing a roadside B&B. That right there is a great concept for a movie. It just needs fleshed out and risen to the next level of intensity and story development.

The main fault in everything is the characters - there are just not strong enough or likeable enough to root for. And if you can't root for the good guys, why bother?


Again - this is only my opinion, take from it what you wish.

Take Care,
Stewart

This was a fun read. Honestly, I’m just not sure what to make of it. It had some good description and it flowed very nicely. It was also very descriptively economical. I see a marked improvement over the last script I read by you.


****SPOILERS****

I think the problem here is the characters. It has a very sort of slasher feel to it in that it feels like all the characters were contrived for the purpose of being grotesquely slaughtered. They just don’t resonate.

First off, the creature - we never learn anything about him at all. Even Dr. Weir’s reasoning is sketchy. Dr. Weir is well written but has no redeeming qualities - not even some charisma. He’s just completely indifferent. Between his stoicism and the creature’s lack of humanness, we’re left with a killing machine. Other movies have had monsters that were nothing more than eating machines, Jaws for instance, but to have a monster that was genetically engineered from a human without addressing the human element reeks of missed opportunity. Even Quinn (from Jaws) had his own brand of charisma and gave compelling insights into sharks. Here, it’s just sort of the Bogeyman outside the door, you know?

Secondly, there’s the “good guys.” Phil is completely unlikable. That’s not all bad. Knowing he’s going to get slaughtered makes him more tolerable. Why the brass knuckles flashback? Didn’t seem needed to me. He could just as easily have pulled out this weapon in the basement and no one would have thought twice about him having them. Seemed like an extraneous scene to me.

What happened to the college kids? Why did they run them off the road? It doesn’t evoke much care for characters when they casually run someone off into a power line and just drive on.

And then at the end, Rory and Cody just go on like nothing happened. If they don’t care about anyone else, it makes it hard to care about them.

Other little things:

Tranquilizer darts that make the target foam at the mouth and violently spasm? Why?

Zeke says, “Game time, Zeke.” Is he talking to himself?


In cased - encased - and why did Zeb and Zeke have to smash the glass? Doesn’t someone have keys?

A bed and breakfast for a hundred dollars - now that’s a bargain! And two beds at that! And why are metal heads staying at a peaceful bed and breakfast? They could (usually) stay at a hotel much cheaper.

P35: fill - Phil beside him.

Why would a werewolf stay at a bed and breakfast? That was kind of odd to me. And how can you rent a room without speaking? Just seemed kind of odd. The oddity of a werewolf and metal heads on their way to a concert all staying at a bed and breakfast (which are usually quite a bit more expensive than a hundred dollars) was really pushing credibility.

Some of the dialogue was kind of crazy. For example, Mimi calls Ernie, tells him two guests have been killed by a large animal and that they are trapped in the basement, and asks him to bring a gun. Ernie responds with, “ A friend in need is a friend indeed.” That’s kind of a crazy thing to say under such dire circumstances. And then she says she’ll raise his salary. Most people don’t exchange such banter when lives are in imminent danger. I mean, I couldn’t stop laughing at that and I began to wonder whether you intended this to be kind of funny.

Ernie was told over the phone that Mimi was trapped in the basement. Why did he search the house instead of going straight to the basement?

I didn’t understand Ernie’s rifle. Is it single shot? He shoots once and reloads. Then he shoots repeatedly until it’s empty. Why didn’t he load it before he arrived? He knew he was going to need it.

Why didn’t they tell 911 that people had been killed? Yes, problems with animals require Animal Control, but once a human is killed, the police become involved. Mimi should have told 911 that people had been killed. She should have kept calling until they sent a police unit out.

It had good things. Most of those are with your technical skills. The story itself does need some work. It was quite funny in some places. I hope you meant that. Maybe in a bit of “An American Werewolf in London” sort of way. That movie was funny at times and horrifying at others.

Overall, it was a fun read but it does need some work story wise.

Just took a look at this one, James. I think it’s better written than House of God. Specially the first act, because the story kicks in right away.

*SPOILERS*

It seems a little bid odd that the subject could escape so easily, since Dr. Weir knows it has superhuman strength. I couldn’t help wondering why didn’t he take more security measures.

Twin characters are cool. I’d put twins in every script, but do know this would be a pain in the @ss for the casting people if the script goes into production. There doesn’t seem to be a reason (story wise) for the twins to be twins.

The college students don’t serve a purpose in your story. It would be better to cut that scene.

Too many f-bombs, specially from Phil.

You’ve got lots of ‘proceeds to’. Loose them all and the action will read faster and better. ‘He fires at the subject’ is more direct and less-is-moreish than ‘He proceeds to fire at the subject’. Yeah, I know this is just a detail, but I think it will help a bit.

P.1
INT. SUBJECT ROOM
The subject room…

Since the slugline establishes we’re looking at the subject room, you can describe it directly in the action line below without need to mention ‘subject room’ again; it’s redundant. You’ve got many of these.

You describe hair colour and exact clothes of nearly every character, including the most irrelevant ones, like the man who gets killed in p.18. This kills the pace of your script and these details are part of the job of other people (casting, costume designers, etc).

If your character is going to work, you can describe he’s wearing a suit for example, but there’s no need to tell us the colour of his tie.

P.12 Didn’t like this flashback. While flashbacks go back chronologically, they still have to move the story forward dramatically.

Check this out: http://www.scriptsecrets.net/tips/tip266.htm

P.13
PHIL
Hey, fuck you son! Those are the fucking Metal Gods! Without Halford and Priest, you wouln’t even have any of your poser emo bands to listen to!

Agreed.  

P.38
Rory says they got to get in the room and find out what happened. Doesn’t sound real. There’s blood coming outside that room: that generates fear not curiosity. Normal people would have called the police and/or an ambulance right away. Maybe they shouldn’t be able to see the blood and just hear some strange noises.

P.43 The subject was strong enough to go through a wall and ripp the yuppie’s heart, but cannot get passed the basement’s door? You should work on that. Find an excuse for that door to be a very strong one (maybe it’s a hurricane shelter instead of a basement).

P.44 Mimi tells 911 they have a loose animal instead of shouting hysterically there’s a corpse upstairs?

P.55 Phil knows that Ernie got his @ss kicked despite having a shotgun, and still he goes to face the subject with a brass knuckle. Hard to believe. Scenes before, Phil was the one saying that Ernie didn’t have a chance.

P.94 Rory should be going to his friend’s funeral instead to a concert I think.

Sorry that I focused more on the negative, but I believe that's better for the writer. I hope I helped.

Alright I finally got a chance to read this. I had this huge review up, but I lost it so I'm going to give you sort of an unorganized look at your script. Lycanthrope was a very amusing read, but it didn't exactly bring any thing new to the table. A man is experimented on and he becomes a flesh eating monster, but once again great read.

SPOILERS--------------



The Good
-The characters of the three boys were done great and they contrasted each other very well. Great supporting cast.
-Your descriptions of scenes are great, when the Subject was in the bathroom, I could just imagine him.
-The dialogue was very believable most of the time.
-When Zeb gets messed up by the Subject it was written excellently.

Once again I liked your script, but I have to focus on the negatives which help you progress as a writer.

The Bad
-Dr. Weir is a stereotypical scientist, white, gray balding hair nothing new.
-No way Phil goes after that thing with a brass knuckle! No way. Ernie just got jacked and he had a gun. To me Phil didn't have a good excuse at all. The dad thing wasn't good enough.
-Phil "sending" the subject anywhere is a little hard to believe. Phil would punch the monster and it'd go soaring across the room.
-On page 59 you have- "Two deafening shots sound." and then the next line you have three bullets tear through the Subject...
-Zeb and Zeke were the blandest characters. They had no emotion what so ever. I didn't care if they lived or died. I just flat out didn't care either way, and Zeb doesn't get upset at all when his brother is slain.
-Phil does A LOT of cursing and some of it just flat out doesn't sound right.
-All the constant gun shots missing their targets happened way too much.
-When Rory has a hundred dollars no one is surprised that he's got that kind of dough.
-The whole ripping out the heart has been done too many times. Now it feels corny.
-Towards the end things got to feeling really repetitive. The Subject was shot it gets back up, guns switch hands, and people were being mauled constantly. No real surprises towards the end. I think it would've been cool to have some kind of surprise towards the end, because any one reading your script could tell you what was going to happen.
-We don't get to know anything about the man who was turned into the monster. We saw a flashback and that was it, maybe you should go into a backstory.


Once again I think it would be cool to have some kind of surprise. A lot of what is in the script is predictable. I knew the yuppie was dead, I knew Phil wouldn't survive the fight, I knew Dr. Weir would die, and I knew the Subject would continue to get up. This was a fun read, but add some surprises, character development of the monster, and maybe a different ending and this could be really cool.  

Thanks for reading, guys. Wow! That's a whole lot of comments to swallow all at once. I'll try to address each one by one but just in case...

To everyone...

I'm getting some complaints about the characters and somehow I feel I should have expected them. Metalheads is kind of a gamble in terms of getting the audience to care about them. Especially Phil. Phil was intended to be the stereotype of a typical metalhead, which essentially boils down to a close-minded belligereant loose cannon. I didn't expect people to like him exactly but at the least think he was funny. But some of you guys downright wanted to see him die. I'll admit it. I flat out failed with him. I know no one said it and I'm accusing anyone of thinking it but if someone wants a character dead when I don't want them to, I failed. That's it. Well, on this draft anyway. I honestly don't think it'll take much to humanize him. I think I can easily make him into more of a person and less of a stereotype and hopefully likeable. Character development is very important to me when writing. Perhaps I went a little off course with this guy.

The Subject on the other hand wasn't supposed to be likeable. The flashback before it kills Weir wasn't supposed to inspire sympathy, rather make Weir look even worse. I don't think villains should be sympathetic at all for the most part. Understandable, sure. Not sympathetic. I think any backstory for the Subject would make it sympathetic, which is why I opted not to use one.

The ending, I'll change, for sure. This is actually the first script I've written with a legitimate ending, complete with characters driving off into the sun. I usually hate that kind of stuff but I needed to wrap up Cody and Mimi's character arcs properly. Also, the police wrapping things up with the brothers was important too. I remember feeling at the end of Silver Bullet that those guys were going to be in deep shit for having a dead priest in their house. I wanted to avoid that. The brothers probably wouldn't go to the concert afterwards though. I'll fix that, definitely.

And the f-bombs. Yeah, a lot of those got to go. The first draft had almost three times as much. It was almost like Goodfellas. But it's still too much, even now. Though I got to leave some. They're metalheads afterall.

Theboywhocouldfly...

Sorry buddy but yeah, I hate all those bands. The Used and Underoath, I can deal with to a certain extent but I despise My Chemical Romance to no end. The fact that they did a video spinoff of Audition makes me hate them even more. But to each his own. We're all friends here .

Hmm... Not sure about Phil going upstairs. I figured it was in his nature to do so. It is a little hard to swallow though. I do agree a little push would help a lot. I'll try to think of something.

As for Weir's plan, I think it works. Sure, it's halfbaked but I always imagined Weir functioning more on arrogance rather than genuine intellect. I'll think about it though. I'll never completely dismiss advice.

Shelby...

The college students in the opening were supposed to be a joke. I wanted to lead the audience into thinking the main characters were typical slasher fodder before introducing the metalheads. It didn't work. I'll get rid of them. I'm glad you hated them though.

I think you might be right about the B&B. I'll try to find a more feasible reason for the guys staying there.

You're right about the BRING ME MEAT bit. I'll be sure to revise that.

You don't seem to have liked this very much, which is cool. Everyone's entitled to their own opinion and I don't expect everyone to like what I write. I hope it doesn't turn you off from my future writing though. My writing's been much more loose and comedic these past few months but playtime's almost over. My fifth script will go back to the dark stuff. Even more brutal than Abattoir. Trust me .

Alffy...

You're officially my new best friend. LOL. You've read pretty much everything I have to offer and in quite a short period of time as well. Looking forward to hearing from you again.

Baltis...

Thanks for the read. Glad I caught your interest. You say it took too long for the werewolf to materialize. This was intentional. I like a build-up in my scripts. It is a little slow starting out but I've always felt a build enhances things when the story finally takes off. You're right about the B&B though. It could just be any old place. I'll try to beaf up it's relavence. Also, what exactly did I do that no one's picked up on yet? I'd like to know.

Stewart...

The believability segment of your review was what I found to be the most important. I agree with a lot of it and I'll be sure to fix it up. It was okay to laugh at the belt by the way. In fact I'm glad you did. I feel like stories like these have a little more breathing room as far as excess is concerned. Take Phantasm II for example. A four-barrelled shotgun and a homemade flamethrower are laughable but all in good fun and certainly make for an entertaining watch.

Sorry you didn't like the characters. I'm working on Phil big time but I don't know what to say about the rest. I'll think about it.

Breanne...

Yeah, you got the jist of the script. It's supposed to be both funny and scary. Though you did laugh at a few things I wish you hadn't. The dialogue is the basement wasn't supposed to be funny. I'll be fixing that up for sure.

Also, Dr. Weir isn't supposed to have any charisma. No real redeeming at all really. He's not even that great a scientist. The Subject is a failure intended to be his greatest success. I wanted him to be complete scum. He's the real villain here. Not the Subject.

Mr. Z...

I agree with most of what you said, especially about the flashback. That was just me being pretentious. Perhaps it could serve as a foreshadow but mainly it was just me wanting to do a scene at a metal show integrating things I've actually seen and heard. I'll lose it for sure. I know better than that. The college kids too.

The one thing I think you got wrong was the bit with the door and the wall between the yuppie's room and the Burgundy Room. The walls are hollow. I thought I mentioned that somewhere. I'll check.

TAnthony...

I agree with most of what you said. I wasn't really concerned about the script being predictable though. I still think it's pretty suspenseful and my goal was to make it more fun rather than scary. And while I agree about Zeb and Zeke being bland, I intended them to be that way. They're just goons. I do, however, think they strengthen Weir's character, showing he doesn't even value the lives of his subordinates.

...

Phew! I think I've said just about all I can say right now. I'm off to bed. Thanks again, everyone!

Hey James nice to hear you had a good holiday.
I'll confess I've been struggling for time recently, what with wanting to get my first screenplay finished (i'm still some way off at the mo) so i've had a fleeting look and also read through the comments, so i wont bother repeating whats already been said.

In all I thought there was a little to much dialogue which didn't really lead the story, but it was quite funny.  You give good desriptions to scenes which make it easy to picture, i think its essential to be able to visualise whats going on.

Not sure about the flashback scene in the club but think thats been mentioned a few times.  My main problem was that I think the story is a bit linear, maybe add a subplot or something.  Maybe wrack your brain and involve the college students who dont seem to have any purpose in the story.

Again though i dont feel i should critise someone for their screenplay as i cant even finish my own and never will at the rate im going. lol.  I wish i could knock them like you can (4 months and 35 pages!!!)  i'm sure you'll iron out these minor gripes and then i'll give it a good read through.

Keep up the good work though.

Quoted from James McClung Thanks for reading, guys. Wow! That's a whole lot of comments to swallow all at once. I'll try to address each one by one but just in case... Stewart... The believability segment of your review was what I found to be the most important. I agree with a lot of it and I'll be sure to fix it up. It was okay to laugh at the belt by the way. In fact I'm glad you did. I feel like stories like these have a little more breathing room as far as excess is concerned. Take Phantasm II for example. A four-barrelled shotgun and a homemade flamethrower are laughable but all in good fun and certainly make for an entertaining watch. Sorry you didn't like the characters. I'm working on Phil big time but I don't know what to say about the rest. I'll think about it.

James,
I appreciate you taking my opinions and criticism in stride. It helps when the author takes what you say and thinks about it rather than become defensive.

I liked Abattoir, so I know I like your writing (which I think is strong). So I look forward to the re-write.

SPOILERS...

Thanks for the read, Alffy. I'm glad you enjoyed the dialogue. I can see where you're coming from in regards to some of the dialogue forwarding the plot though. I'd cut it down but then I'd lose the character development, which I hold in extremely high regard.

The club scene is gone already as are the college students. I appreciate your suggestion to integrate them into the plot but they wouldn't have served much purpose other than werewolf fodder. Trust me. As for the subplot, I always envisioned this as partly a coming-of-age story. I'm talking about the Cody subplot. Perhaps it's a little unclear as Cody doesn't really surface as a protagonist until the third act but I planned it that way and I don't think it would have worked as well otherwise. Cody's character isn't strong enough to carry the story as the lead and even if he were a little more aggresive, his arc wouldn't be as clear. I'm really happy with the way his story turned out though. This is a werewolf story first and a coming-of-age second.

Stewart...

Thanks for the kind words, which I agree with wholeheartedly. If I'd reacted defensively to my first review rather than listening to what was said, I don't think I would have learned as much about screenwriting as I know now. Good to hear you'll be checking out the rewrite. I think it's already shaping up nicely.

I've just submitted the rewrite. Hopefully, it will be posted soon. Among other changes, I've really strengthened Phil's character, I think. I've added two new segments of dialogue that I think really help make him a sympathetic character. I've also toned down the way he treats Cody once they get to the bed and breakfast as well as the emo conversations. I think his character is much stronger and well developed this time around. Maybe even likeable. I've also cut down the f-bombs bigtime (from everyone). Additionally, I've fixed a lot of the stuff that rings false as well as the stuff that was unintentionally comical. There's some other stuff too but nothing I can come off with off the top of my head right now. Most of the revisions were made in the first half of the script.

SPOILERS...

Also, the end has been fixed. These guys are going home. There's something else too, though. I don't expect anyone who's already read the script to read the rewrite (unless they want to, of course) but for those who are interested, if you reread the final scene with Rory and Cody, you'll get an ever so slight forshadow regarding my next script (not my upcoming comedic short, Trendsetter, but my fifth feature length horror, which I'm aching to get started). I'm going to try and keep the plot underwraps this time around but I will say it's back to the dark stuff. I've been doing tongue-and-cheek for a while now. I think it's about time I took a dive back into the abyss.

END SPOILERS...

Anyway, right now, Lycanthrope's on my mind so any more comments would be much appreciated.

New draft is up.

So my plans for tonight got cancelled.  Since Abe is going on vacation I thought I would take a look here first.

I did glance at the previous comments -- just the fronts and the backs primarily -- only to get a sense of what people were saying about the first draft.  It looks like you took some heat on the characters.  Let's see what’s going with this now.

SPOILERS:

*  When I can, I love busting people on the very first line.  It makes me feel like such a dick.  "Extensive"?  No.  "Chain link fence" is enough.
*  Zeb and Zeke seem like pretty lousy shots.  Why not make the Subject tough enough to absorb a couple of shots?  Even more menacing that way.
*  I don’t know what Rory, Cody, and Phil were like before, but you establish their relationships pretty quick over about three pages.  I think it’s good.  But I might lose the second argument once they first arrive at the B & B.  Now you are covering the same ground twice.  And where are the girls?
*  Why is the Yuppie wearing a business suit?  There is nothing for miles around.  He's on vacation.  Dress him comfortably.  And why not give him a wife?  More girls.  More body count.
*  I think what you have on page 26 is a "Series of Shots", not a montage.
*  Wow.  Ichor is a great word.  I had to look it up, and I know lots of words.
*  The note under the door is fantastic.  How about adding an underlined “Please!!” to make it more compelling?  And why doesn't Cody try to honor this request?  Seems like something he would do.
*  Page 42:  Instead of simply stomping on the Subject's hand, why not have Phil find some kind of weapon in the basement?  A screwdriver or something even worse.
*  OK.  I can tell you already that Ernie is so doomed.  Yup.  That was kind of predicatable.
*  The fight with Phil is great, to a point.  But then you do that thing everybody hates and I am going to call you on it.  You make sure it’s dead before you relax, dammit!  Horror fans especially will hate this.  And you know I’m telling you the truth, too.  Find another way for the subject to get the upper hand.
*  I'm sensing a lull in the action down here in the basement.  The characters are working, and the changes in power are interesting.  The professor is saying interesting things for the most part.  So I’m not sure what the problem is.  Maybe it's just the sheer length of this segment, without a change in venue?  Anyways, a little draggy in the basement.  Could maybe use a trim there.  Or at least cut to the Subject doing something.  Try to get us out of the basement for a few seconds.  Some additional characters hiding elsewhere (some girls?) could do that for us.
*  That final battle, with the brothers teaming up, was how this was supposed to end.  There was plenty of mayhem, and Cody got to complete his little arc.  I was pleased to see that.  Good job there.
*  One of the comments I noticed was that you still had them going to the concert!  Ha!  Changing that was a really good idea.  And at the very end, as they drive off into the sunrise, I’m wondering if maybe we shouldn't have a little country music instead.  A gift from Mimi.  Something that lets us know things have changed now, at least a little.  Just a thought there.

So in the end, I like the entire story without necessarily liking all of its parts.  I would have liked to have known more about what went on at that lab as opposed to that tiny little flashback that raises more questions than it answers.  Who was this guy, anyway? How did he get chosen?  And I think, early on, I would have liked to have seen Cody interact with the subject a bit more.  The potential for that is there, but you just kind of let it drop without using it.  And while I am sure that extended scene in the basement drags, for the life of me I cannot pinpoint exactly why.

I do not know how much you changed, but in the end, I am not sure why you caught so much grief for your characters.  You had three guys who interacted in a very straighforward fashion as far as I could tell.  I thought the relationship between the brothers worked, and when Phil went out to face the beast, I actually bought it.  That fight was probably my favorite part of the script (except for that little issue we discussed previously).

I thought the absence of girls was kind of weird, as I mentioned a couple of times.  Why not add some additional guests?  Some pretty ones.  Add to the body count.  And it might be fun to watch Phil hit on them and get brutally rejected.

So this is a solid effort.  I was confident that it would be.  It is maybe one more draft away from being really good.  Hope some of these comments help you out when you dip back into this again.  I may be the one of very few people who remembers Kiss of the Locust, and it is fun to watch you improve.

Quoted from bert Wow.  Ichor is a great word.  I had to look it up, and I know lots of words.

How could you not know the word ichor, Bert? It’s almost certainly from where the expression icky was derived. (Actually, the origins of both words are unknown. I’m playing amateur etymologist here.)

Quoted from bert …And where are the girls?…I thought the absence of girls was kind of weird, as I mentioned a couple of times…I may be the one of very few people who remembers Kiss of the Locust,…

And you know, I just realized something here, Bert. I remember Kiss of the Locust as well and it was strangely absent of any female characters. Hmmm.

Alright James, another horror script up and another one I have read.  As I usually do, I glanced over a couple of the reviews before I read the script.  It seemed like some characters and some of the dialogue was not received well, so I looked out for that.

I am not real keen on werewolf stories so I don't think I can give a well-done review on this script.  But just from a viewer standpoint, I will try to.  This is a very basic screenplay.  There really isn't too much to grasp.  Very linear and straightfoward.  You had some good death scenes and most of the deaths didn't seem forced.  You love to pile on descriptions though.  Every camera action seemed to have at least three lines to describe one thing, but I think that's your writing style so it really isn't that big of a deal.  I see this was a revision, so I don't know if you had even more swearing in the previous version, but you definately had enough in this one.

The characters were classic slasher film protagonists.  I don't understand why people are giving you such a hard time with them.  I had no problems with any of them.  I see alot of people want to know more backstory on the subject, but is that really necessary?  I don't think this script is about the subject, it's more about the relationship between Rory and Cody, so I say you leave that alone.  You don't want to be bogged down with some long ass flashback sequence trying to explain the whole back story of the subject.

Some of this stuff seemed a bit far fetched, like the subject checking into a hotel, and Phil going to fight the thing with some brass knuckles, but it didn't kill the story.  Most of the stuff flowed well and sounded good.  

All in all, it was a well-done screenplay.  You looked like you took time out to take pride in this and it came out good.  You have a few screenplays under your belt, so I don't have to go into standard SimplyScripts protocol of silly formatting gripes, because you have none.

Great script and keep them coming, buddy.    

Glad you guys like the word ichor. I'm even more glad that you had to look it up, Bert. Anyone can write gore so I try to write it more eloquently to give it more of a punch. Sometimes, I think my descriptions can get even borderline pathological.

As for the absence of girls, I figured metal is more of a guy thing. Not that there aren't girls that like metal and not that I think they shouldn't but if you go to a metal show, you'll definitely notice more males around than females. I don't have a problem with using them in my scripts either. In fact, I enjoy writing for the opposite sex from time to time. I've had female characters in both of my last two scripts and will feature a female protagonist in my unwritten fifth script.

Bert...

Thanks for the read. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I agree about Phil not checking to make sure the Subject really is dead. I should have known better to overlook that horror cliche. I just thought it would be cool for Phil to light up a cigarette, like an action hero, after proving not only the people in the basement, but also the audience, in kicking the Subject's ass. I'll fix this for sure. In regards to Phil getting a weapon from the basement, I don't think so. I didn't intend for the basement to be a fortress but rather a dead end, where the characters would essentially be helpless. Also, I don't think Mimi would have anything particularly threatening in the basement anyway.

As for girls or, in general, more characters, I'm not so sure. I think they'd only serve as dog food. Ernie and the yuppie are basically that, I suppose, but I still developed them. I think if I had more characters to develop, the first act would drag on too long. And BTW, I had the yuppie in a business suit so the audience would know he's a yuppie. Now that you mention it, I guess it doesn't make sense. I'll see what I can do. I don't want him to lose his, well, "yuppiness."

I don't know about the third act draggin on. I'd do something about it but I don't know what, as you don't seem to know yourself what the problem is.

Anyway, I'll wait around for some more comments before the next rewrite. I'm actually glad you said this is "one draft away from being really good" because I'm aching to get started on my next script. This one may very well be the most enthusiastic I've been about a project. I'm writing broken scenes on napkins at work for Pete's sake. I may just crack and start working on it next week. However, I would like to get this one in better shape before I start. Then again, there's always the two weeks in between the first draft and the rewrite to work on it .

Thanks again for the read.

Hey Guy. Thanks for the read.

Yeah, I do get a little over-descriptive at times but, as you said, that is my writing style. I figure as long as you keep paragraphs four sentences or under and four lines or under down the page, what's the problem?

Yeah, there's a lot of f-bombs in this one. Even more so in the last draft. The first draft had a gargantuan amount. Seriously, it was like a Martin Scorsese flick.

Glad you didn't mind the characters. The last draft, everyone seemed to be ganging up on Phil and for good reason I suppose. He was basically an emo-bashing, bullying douchebag before. He's still that to a certain extent but I think this time around, he's much more developed, likeable, and ultimately humanized.

Thanks again for the read, Guy. Glad you enjoyed it.

I only got to read nineteen pages of the script as of now and all seems to be going well. The story flows very well, which I see as very essiential in any script. I enjoyed your character descriptions. I could imagine the story in my mind.

The script is closely similar to the first Halloween by John Carpenter and Eli Roth's  Hostel.  

The dialogue between Phil, Rory, and Cody was decent. Everyone has their own opinions on topics. I was only slightly bothered by the fact that Phil and Rory are heavy metal fans and yet they use the word "bro". The word "dude" probably, but "bro" I'm unsure about. Nevertheless, the script appears well as far as I have read.  

I sadly can't give any more criticism since I'm a newbie to this field after completeing only one short script and waiting for it to be posted on this site. So, I'll see if i can finish the script later on to find    

Sorry about that...

What i meant to end with was that I'll read the script later on and hopefully come with some good criticisms.  

I'm a big fan of American Werewolf in London and the Ginger Snaps films. Ah heck, werewolves are cool. Something fascinating about the idea of a human turning into a big shaggy dog and going feral on some poor persons arse.

So it was the promise of Werewolves that attracted me to your script.

This is the third script I have read on this site where the opening scene is a nasty escaping from a labratory. No big deal but I thought I would just point it out.

The characters are great. You captured perfectly the heavy metal culture through the dialouge, attitude of the characters plus their choice of clothing. very well done.

Cody was a great character. I like how he is the weak suffering character of sort. By that I mean he suffers the torment of brother's mate. The biggest problem I have with most horror is that the movie fail to make me care for the characters and for the first thirty minutes I am usualy looking at my watch and waiting for the killing to start becaue anything is better than having to endure boring characters.

I am pleased you transended this flaw that many horror flicks have.

Cthulu vs the Kraken. that is so cool. I laughed when I read this.

What's an emo? I keep seeing this word pop up all over the net. It sounds like it is goth but it's not cause it is an Emo. i don't get it.

I had a small problem with the 911 phone call. It just seemed fake and a very obvious plot trick to not get the police involved in story. All they had to do was yell blood & murder and the police would have been over there in a flash. The way you did it just seemed stupid and unrealistic.

"Hey bitch! You made me take off my belt."  My God that's the funniest, craziest one liner I have ever seen. It was brillant and I laughed my head off.  Man, I wish you where writing dialouge for Arnie in his action movies twenty years ago. I would of loved to hear the big muscle bound Swarnegger say a line like that in one of his movies. Priceless

Having one of the main character's willing to have a fist fight with the monster was bold and took me by suprise.  i can't say I have ever seen that in a horror movie before but I have not watched a lot of horror. it was a top idea that went against the basic formula of the genre.  It is stuff like that I like to see in a movie. it gives it your personally stanp to the script.  

Did you do any research on Werewolf such as legends and myths or did just watch Werewolf movies to get ideas?

All in all a good script that I enjoyed reading well done.  

I decided to exhume this oldie to submit to Shriekfest so I gave it a once over after two years of not looking at it at all and I have to say the rewrite is waaay better than the last one. There's definitely something to be said about rewriting script's that have been collecting dust. It's a good exercise and I recommend it to everyone.

If anyone wants to take a look, comments would be very much appreciated. Even after two years, this still remains my feature length with the least complaints.

Wow... best climax to a monster movie I have ever read.

Hey James, just finished.  I read through all the reviews as well.  For the most part, it seems like most liked this, although they didn't appreciate the characters much.

I can't say I agree, and I want to say, as I always do, that this is merely my opinion, and is meant as critique and hopefully help.

I didn't like this at all, I'm sorry to say.  In thinking back, nothing at all worked for me.  Let's get to the details.

Nothing unique or new here in terms of plot and story.  We've all seen the experiment gone wrong theme again and again.  I don't buy the setup at all.  You've got this huge complex, yet there appears to be only a total of 5 people on duty, and no one seems real.  The Subject's escape is way too easy.  The guards and Wier are all like cartoon characters in their actions and the way they speak.

The kids don't come across as real either.  I'm not sure where exactly they were coming from on their drive to NY to see Maiden, but it just doesn't make any sense that they'd be stopping at a B&B along the way.  Why and how is a 14 year old along for this trip?  Concerts are at night, meaning they need a place to sleep after the show also.  This means this trip is at least 3 nights and 4 days of driving!  Doesn't make any sense.  Metalheads like this would be partying, not sitting around a B&B playing cards with a 60 year old dude for no reason.

And the Subject checking into the B&B also, is downright laughable.  So we've got to assume that the complex that it all started at is very close by the B&B, cause it sounds like both the Subject and Wier and his 2 goons make it there on foot. How are they tracking him?  Why did it take them so long to get there?  The questions could go on and on about things making no sense.

The actions and reactions of the characters are again comical and nonsensical.  Over the top is one thing, but this is ludicrous.  Seeing tons of blood under a door and hearing growls and the like (and a bloody note asking for meat), and what do our trio of metalheads suggest?  They want to open the door and see if they can help.  C'mon!  And calling the police and just giving up like they did?  And the police acting like they did in the first place?  All insanely illogical and completely unbelievable.

OK, what about the action?  Well, the final scene basically goes on for about 30 something pages and it's just nonstop action, with one after another of the same thing happening.  None of it rings real or believable, and because of that, it's almost like a comedy.  I could go on and on about this last scene, but I don't think I really need to.  Let's just concentrate on Rory and Cody's final battle.  It sounds like they're just picking up weapons left and right here.  Knives, cleavers, shotguns, rifles...all apparently lined up and waiting to be used.  Just downright crazy.  And then, after all this, they just walk away to their car?  No injuries?  No hospital stay just to check them out?  Wow!

OK, I seriously apologize for the harshness here, but I'm literally shocked that everyone basically said that they enjoyed this.  I'm actually shocked, because literally nothing came off as remotely real or believable.  And when things are this far from truth, it's very difficult to be scared or shocked.

Here's my advice...completely change the setting.  Completely change the trio and what they're doing.  Read your dialogue out loud (especially for Wier) and rewrite it so that it comes off as real.  Tone down the action so that when it hits, it hits harder, because when things are going at the pace they're going for as long as they're going, it gets beyond tedious, and becomes actually silly and funny.

If this is meant as horror comedy, then take what I've said in line with that.  If it's meant to be serious, it doesn't work as written.

And finally, I've got to believe that this is meant to be a very low budget production.  I base that on that fact that the whole movie plays out in 2 settings, and the first one is only the beginning.  The problem is that to make this work in any way, shape, or form, you've got to have some fantastic special effects, and lots of them, and those aint cheap.  So, what I'm saying is, again, it just doesn't make sense overall to me.

Again, I don't mean to be an ass, and I hope that you can use some of this to help in your rewrites.  Take care.

  

Thanks for the read, Dreamscale.

Quoted from Dreamscale You've got this huge complex, yet there appears to be only a total of 5 people on duty, and no one seems real.  The Subject's escape is way too easy.  The guards and Wier are all like cartoon characters in their actions and the way they speak.

This is a good point. I would point out that this is a laboratory, not a prison. They're trying to keep people out, not in. Then again, I've thrown in alarms and searchlights. I'll fix this.

Quoted from Dreamscale The kids don't come across as real either.  I'm not sure where exactly they were coming from on their drive to NY to see Maiden, but it just doesn't make any sense that they'd be stopping at a B&B along the way.  Why and how is a 14 year old along for this trip?  Concerts are at night, meaning they need a place to sleep after the show also.  This means this trip is at least 3 nights and 4 days of driving!  Doesn't make any sense.  Metalheads like this would be partying, not sitting around a B&B playing cards with a 60 year old dude for no reason.

All of this is explained, expect for the 14 year old coming along for the ride. I imagine one could just assume Cody bugged Rory to drag him along. Hence... no partying. Indeed, they would party if he were not around, especially Phil. It's a good point, nevertheless. I can incorporate some sentiments into the dialogue. I wrote this two years ago so I had other challenges on my mind. Nowadays, there're considerably less I have to worry about.

EDIT: I just got rid of the entire poker playing scene. Two years later, I realize it's completely lame and really only serves to develop a character that's not all that important.

Quoted from Dreamscale If this is meant as horror comedy, then take what I've said in line with that.  If it's meant to be serious, it doesn't work as written.

It is. Some of the issues you've mentioned are meant to be comical/over the top. However others are simply things I never have had (and still don't have) issues with. Honestly, I don't think this changes much on your end. You didn't seem to like it either way.

Quoted from Dreamscale And finally, I've got to believe that this is meant to be a very low budget production.  I base that on that fact that the whole movie plays out in 2 settings, and the first one is only the beginning.  The problem is that to make this work in any way, shape, or form, you've got to have some fantastic special effects, and lots of them, and those aint cheap.

Wasn't thinking about budget when I wrote it but at this point, I'm pretty sure this script is never going to see the light of day .

Anyway, thanks again for the read. Sorry you didn't like it. Can't say I agree with everything you've said but you've made some important points as well. I'll be sure to take your comments into consideration.

Sounds good bud.  Again, I didn't mean to be so harsh...I just started reviewing and that's what kept coming up in my mind.  Glad you take it constructively.

Up the irons, mate! (an old Maidenism)

Hey James,

I didn't browse through the other reviews. So I'm prob going to repeat alot what other reviewers mentioned, but it just serves to show that these are the things to fix. Also,, I saw a post I made earlier when I was a newbie on this site. I apologize for that and heres the review.

positive: It read quick. You had some good scenes such as the fighting scenes between the subject and Rory, Cory, Weir, Zeb, Zeke, etc. Also the opening when the Subject escapes.

Negative: I think you can add a bit of backstory towards how the subject was created. You do provide a flashback at the end, but what about moving it to the beginning and developing so that it can lead to the subject escaping.

Character wise, it was decent. I told apart the three characters. This is the tough part. I know since I'm experiencing it. lol. But there's not much development on Rory or Phil except for Cody so maybe you should focus more Cody rather than the other two.

Other things I noted:

There should be more guards at this facility. Even though it's private, the fact that they handle test subjects requires a lot of guards. But I did like Zeb and Zeke. They reminded me of Rory and Cory.  

The scene with Phil, Rory, and Cory driving. Around pg. 8 I think you should have Cory and Rory say the curse to Phil. It shows development on Cory.

On the end of page 9, Weir's dialgoue to Zeb or Zeke gives too much away. You should hold off a bit.

When the Subject arrives at the motel, I think Mimi should be asking more questions as the driver did. And if the subject wanted to avoid those questions why not hand her a lump of money or start the killing there.  

For Cory to ignore pus and blood is far fetched. I don't know how sleepy one can be to not spot it.

When trapped in the basement, if Rory had a cellphone, why not take it out beforehand or make it look like he remembered there and now.

If Wier can threaten Zeke with the pistol, why can't he shoot Phil himself?

When Weir and Zeb go down to the basement, won't Weir want them as bait to kill the subject? I saw that you did this later but why not then when they are running from the Subject.

In regards to when Mimi makes that "your trying to act like God", when Weir goes to Mimi, would weir not use mimi as hostage to get the shotgun back at that exact moment? Not later.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from Dreamscale Sounds good bud.  Again, I didn't mean to be so harsh...I just started reviewing and that's what kept coming up in my mind.  Glad you take it constructively. Up the irons, mate! (an old Maidenism)

No problem, dude. It's good to have someone pick your work to pieces every once and a while. You can't very well improve a script with a bunch of praise (not that it isn't appreciated ).

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey James, I didn't browse through the other reviews. So I'm prob going to repeat alot what other reviewers mentioned, but it just serves to show that these are the things to fix. Also,, I saw a post I made earlier when I was a newbie on this site. I apologize for that and heres the review. positive: It read quick. You had some good scenes such as the fighting scenes between the subject and Rory, Cory, Weir, Zeb, Zeke, etc. Also the opening when the Subject escapes. Negative: I think you can add a bit of backstory towards how the subject was created. You do provide a flashback at the end, but what about moving it to the beginning and developing so that it can lead to the subject escaping. Character wise, it was decent. I told apart the three characters. This is the tough part. I know since I'm experiencing it. lol. But there's not much development on Rory or Phil except for Cody so maybe you should focus more Cody rather than the other two. Other things I noted: There should be more guards at this facility. Even though it's private, the fact that they handle test subjects requires a lot of guards. But I did like Zeb and Zeke. They reminded me of Rory and Cory.   The scene with Phil, Rory, and Cory driving. Around pg. 8 I think you should have Cory and Rory say the curse to Phil. It shows development on Cory. On the end of page 9, Weir's dialgoue to Zeb or Zeke gives too much away. You should hold off a bit. When the Subject arrives at the motel, I think Mimi should be asking more questions as the driver did. And if the subject wanted to avoid those questions why not hand her a lump of money or start the killing there.   For Cory to ignore pus and blood is far fetched. I don't know how sleepy one can be to not spot it. When trapped in the basement, if Rory had a cellphone, why not take it out beforehand or make it look like he remembered there and now. If Wier can threaten Zeke with the pistol, why can't he shoot Phil himself? When Weir and Zeb go down to the basement, won't Weir want them as bait to kill the subject? I saw that you did this later but why not then when they are running from the Subject. In regards to when Mimi makes that "your trying to act like God", when Weir goes to Mimi, would weir not use mimi as hostage to get the shotgun back at that exact moment? Not later. Hope this helps, Gabe

Thanks for taking another look at this, Gabe. Some good points here. I'll be sure to incorporate them into the rewrite.

Let me get this off my chest:  I was appalled by the tone of Dreamscale’s review. He punctuated valid points with “harsh” commentary and reactions, over and over.  
So he didn’t like your script, didn’t get it, didn't find it plausible.  No need to rub your face in it.
After reading his review, I felt demoralized.  
And  ‘Lycanthrope’ isn’t even my script.    

How unsettling is that?

James, my review of 'Lycanthrope' will be up before the day's end.

Abe, as I said originally, these were just my thoughts and opinions.  However harsh they may have seemed, I feel very strongly that everything I said was valid and was intended as contructive criticism.  Far too often, reviewers in here give praise over and over again, when at times, it's not warranted.  I don't feel this helps a writer.

James' work showed many aspects of strong, talented writing, and I know that he knows that.  I honestly believe that many times, the worst reviews you get, can actually turn out to be the best reviews you get, in that, sometimes we need to hear about what doesn't work and why.

If you read he majority of my reviews, you'll find that I give praise when I feel praise is due.  If I'm dealing with a writer who is not very strong or experienced, I try to tone down my negativeity and try to help the writer along.  When dealing with a writer who definitely has talent and knows what they are doing, I'm not going to sugarcoat anything...especially when it involves story and believability.

You should note in my review that just about all the criticism revolved around plot and things that just didn't make sense.  I was merely trying to point these things out to the auther.  In no way, shape, or form was I trying to shoot him down and tell him that his work  was a total piece of garbage, because it definitely wasn't, and I know that he knows that.

The thing with this work was that so many other reviewers were stacking on the praise in situations that shouldn't have been praised.   I was just trying to make him aware of what didn't work and why.

Hope you understand,a dn sorry to appal you...I really dislike appalling anyone, and I mean that.

I've read several horror scripts by many different writers and they all have their own style of writing. You keep descriptions very simplistic. I tend to be overly descriptive sometimes. So short descriptions work well with you.

Dialogue is an attention getter for me. There were a couple of scenes where the dialogue was strong but in other scenes it was a bit hokey.

The scene where the character of Phil (I think that's his name) decides to play hero and fight the creature with his bullet studded belt and brass knuckles was completely unbelievible to me. I know that horror stories aren't meant to be believable in any "true" fashion, but the entire fight scene with Phil I think was a waste. I would reconsider writing that sequence. Of course, this is just my opinion.

The script had a great flow. There was always something going on. The fact that it took place in a rural bed and breakfast made it unique; original. That's something that's hard to do when writing horror.

All in all, it was a fast, enjoyable read.

I do want to pount out that during the scene when the character of Mimi was on the phone to the 911 Operator, she said that the beast had killed "two" people. At that point it had only killed the Yuppie. I don't know, I might have missed something. I will probably have to read it again, just to make sure my comments aren't off base.

It wasn't a bad script!

Jerry

I made a comment above about the sequence where Phil was fighting the creature where I stated that "I would reconsider writing that sequence." It sounds as if I'm saying to you that I'd like for you to allow me to write that sequence for you. That isn't what I meant.
I meant YOU might want to reconsider REWRITING it! It's past 1 AM here in Tennessee and I'm a bit slap happy. I felt I should clear that up.

Jerry

Quoted from Abe from LA Let me get this off my chest:  I was appalled by the tone of Dreamscale’s review. He punctuated valid points with “harsh” commentary and reactions, over and over.   So he didn’t like your script, didn’t get it, didn't find it plausible.  No need to rub your face in it. After reading his review, I felt demoralized.   And  ‘Lycanthrope’ isn’t even my script.     How unsettling is that? James, my review of 'Lycanthrope' will be up before the day's end.

Quoted from Dreamscale Abe, as I said originally, these were just my thoughts and opinions.  However harsh they may have seemed, I feel very strongly that everything I said was valid and was intended as contructive criticism.  Far too often, reviewers in here give praise over and over again, when at times, it's not warranted.  I don't feel this helps a writer. James' work showed many aspects of strong, talented writing, and I know that he knows that.  I honestly believe that many times, the worst reviews you get, can actually turn out to be the best reviews you get, in that, sometimes we need to hear about what doesn't work and why. If you read he majority of my reviews, you'll find that I give praise when I feel praise is due.  If I'm dealing with a writer who is not very strong or experienced, I try to tone down my negativeity and try to help the writer along.  When dealing with a writer who definitely has talent and knows what they are doing, I'm not going to sugarcoat anything...especially when it involves story and believability. You should note in my review that just about all the criticism revolved around plot and things that just didn't make sense.  I was merely trying to point these things out to the auther.  In no way, shape, or form was I trying to shoot him down and tell him that his work  was a total piece of garbage, because it definitely wasn't, and I know that he knows that. The thing with this work was that so many other reviewers were stacking on the praise in situations that shouldn't have been praised.   I was just trying to make him aware of what didn't work and why. Hope you understand,a dn sorry to appal you...I really dislike appalling anyone, and I mean that.

Honestly, I can take any harsh review, no matter how scathing, so long as everything said is backed up. Otherwise, it's just a waste of one's time, both mine and the reviewer's. Dreamscale backed up everything he said in his review so I see it as welcome. No need to worry about harshness. Besides, I don't have to agree with everything every reviewer says about my scripts.

Quoted from screenplay_novice I've read several horror scripts by many different writers and they all have their own style of writing. You keep descriptions very simplistic. I tend to be overly descriptive sometimes. So short descriptions work well with you. Dialogue is an attention getter for me. There were a couple of scenes where the dialogue was strong but in other scenes it was a bit hokey. The scene where the character of Phil (I think that's his name) decides to play hero and fight the creature with his bullet studded belt and brass knuckles was completely unbelievible to me. I know that horror stories aren't meant to be believable in any "true" fashion, but the entire fight scene with Phil I think was a waste. I would reconsider writing that sequence. Of course, this is just my opinion. The script had a great flow. There was always something going on. The fact that it took place in a rural bed and breakfast made it unique; original. That's something that's hard to do when writing horror. All in all, it was a fast, enjoyable read. I do want to pount out that during the scene when the character of Mimi was on the phone to the 911 Operator, she said that the beast had killed "two" people. At that point it had only killed the Yuppie. I don't know, I might have missed something. I will probably have to read it again, just to make sure my comments aren't off base. It wasn't a bad script! Jerry

Thanks for the read, Jerry.

I get a lot of comments about overwriting on everything I write. I try to keep things cut and dry for the most part but I do take my liberties. I feel it brings a little more spice to writing.

The scene with Phil has also been really hit and miss amongst readers. At this point, I feel it's a bit of a stretch but I think there's a little more leeway in terms of believability when it comes to horror-comedy. People can do things they wouldn't normally do in a more straightforward horror movie. Personally, it's one of my favorite scenes in the script and I've actually come to like it even more for being so polarizing amongst readers. "Love it or hate it" scenes are always stronger than those that hit the middle ground.

A very good point about Mimi telling the cops the Subject killed two people. It does seem strange, doesn't it? However I think it makes sense for her to say that given that she doesn't know it was the Subject who checked into the B&B. She thinks it was just another guest who got killed.

Thanks again.

I have to apologize to Dreamscale.  After reading your script, James, everything he said, you deserve.   Ha ha, not… quite.
I mean, what’s not to Like-canthrope?
A werewolf  dining on  metal heads at a Bed & Breakfast?  That’s worth 5 Pentagrams in my AAA book.

--Sorry for the delay, but I got bombarded with Work over the weekend. Finally getting a reprieve. --

James, as a fellow writer, this is what I say about Lycanthrope:
Cool start, however yo story got mucho hairy issues. It’s like raw meat.  Fix what’s flawed and it could be pretty good.

LIKES:  Wonderful spirit.  The B-Movie quality appealed to me from the get-go.  Your Dr. Weir is right out of the Michael Gough school of  demented scientists.  You’re on the right track.
Fast beginning, it read like a bullet.  Hooked from scene one.
The campy quality was enjoyable, for the most part.   Atmosphere throughout is pretty good and I give you props for the kitchen battle between Phil and the Subject. Not bad.

DISLIKES: Formulaic and with nothing to add to the genre.
• Needs more twists and turns.   • Some scenes kinda dragged.  • Fight scenes seemed overwrought with description.  And not much inventiveness in the  choice of weapons and the fight setups.
• Over-writing in several areas, particularly relating to the fights.
• Too much dialogue at times and definitely too much  exposition.
• Characters are not especially likeable or unique, nor interesting.  They were also underdeveloped and occasionally seemed interchangeable.
• You are not creating enough opportunities to push the story forward and not exploiting  opportunities  that already exist.
• Explore and understand each character’s motivation, especially your main character.
What software do you use?  I noted on an occasion or two, in which the dialogue starts on one page and finishes on the following page.

Now if I were a Director/Producer (sorry, I’m neither), this is what I say about Lycanthrope:
If I wanted to make a low-bud, grass-roots horror film, I would roll the dice on your script.  It has a simple story, minimal sets, special effects that can be done old school and there is potential for lots of suspense and grue.
My tagline would be, “The Night the Experiment Went Wrong.”

This review will be from the perspective of a Director/Producer.  So bear with me if it reads like I’m saying “do this, do that.”

As noted, I liked your beginning.  But can you give it more neck snap?  You write:

Quoted Text                                                     GUARD                                         A couple of us kicked his ass something                                         good this morning. He’s not going to be                                         putting up a fight any time soon.

What if you open with  2 guards on their way to the a** beating?   Or maybe these guards are on their way to “Exploit” the Subject.  And as the guards walk to the Subject’s room, they can talk shop.    Maybe talk of selling the story of the lycanthrope/experiment-gone-hairy to TV. “Destination Truth” perhaps? I think this series delves  into teratology with a bent for myth and legend.

Remember, James, this is 2008. Utilize what is available today.  In the old days, exploitation of  Monstrosities centered on carnival sideshows. Today, it’s Reality TV.  The guards are mere opportunist$.

I mean what is Doc Weir going to do, have 2 imbecile security guys arrested for his illegal activity?
I’d also make your first fight scene more esoteric.  Behind closed doors. Mysterious. Imagine  if you will, [a low shot of ] the Subject exiting his room, leaving us with a glimpse of the bloody aftermath.   Your ode to Miike.
---  Are there other Subjects in the facility?  If so, give us a snippet of their existence (visual or audible).  This could foreshadow  what’s to come later in the script.

I wondered why the Subject doesn’t steal car keys and a car? Why doesn’t he just escape?  And where is this creature going? He seems to know what he’s doing, so why escape to the Bed and Breakfast?  Is it  Be Kind toWerewolf Day at Mimi’s B&B.
By the way, I would just have the Subject take apart the driver on the road.   Limb by limb.  You already teased us on page one, you might as well give us a really good kill before the Subject settles in for the night at the B&B.

The introduction of  Rory, Cody and Phil had me puking popcorn husks. Sorry, James, but these characters fall into the blasé category.  I have a stigma against these “types”  [flat, mindless teens/young adults] which makes it difficult to win me over. Yeah, my bad.  Others might feel the same.
With that said,  I do understand your desire to keep them and that they are “important” to this story.  So, let’s get these characters fixed.

Rory, Cody, Phil and others come off as garden-variety script people.  Archetypes.  They have characteristics (they like music, they like to swear, one’s a bully, one’s weak), but no soul or personality. Look at your intro on page 6.  I see hair length and clothes. And that Phil is Hispanic and Cody is 14. Otherwise, it’s mostly METAL. Their conversation is Metal.  Attitude is Metal.  Aspirations (start a band) are Metal. I’m not seeing body types.
To be honest, I keep getting Rory and Cody mixed up.  Something about the names…can’t Rory be Don or Bert or Mr. Z?
Restrict the excessive  F-bombs to Phil.

You write two instances in which Cody turns to big brother for rescue.   Gawd, this kid is wimpy.  I know you are trying to show his flaw/weakness, but this doesn’t work for me.  It felt forced.  And I was put off by Cody’s wimpiness.
What is Cody’s fear anyway?  To lose his brother’s love.  To be rejected??  To be left behind???  Find a better way to reveal his weakness.

**  Very Important. Focus more on Cody. His story, his POV, his fears.  This kid doesn’t just go from wimp to hero in 90 pages.  His desire to conquer his fear or whatever starts before this road trip.   Remember the Michael  Baldwin character in “Phantasm”?  Corey Haim in “Silver Bullet”?    

Maybe you can give Cody a grander entrance.  Maybe he’s a stowaway on this trip.  His way of getting Rory’s attention.  That kind of spunk doesn’t take away from his having fears, weaknesses, etc.  It shows his desire to win Rory’s respect.

What do you think of making the B&B stay one of necessity?  Create a situation in which they end up there.   This will establish a sense of dread as characters,  not by choice,  wind up in a bad place.
Like Janet Leigh in Psycho.  The night, the rain, the fatigue, all cause her to pull into the next neon sign, the Bates Motel.  Her undoing.  Wrong place, wrong time.

On P 9, you have Weir talking a lot. This is an example of exposition overload.  In keeping with the campy spirit, you could have Zeke and Zeb join in the conversation, trading  information back and forth -- much to Weir’s dismay.  He didn’t even know his incompetent guards knew anything about the scientific process.

P 10   Dreamscale pointed this out.  Are Weir and the ZZ Twins in a car?  On foot?

P 10-11   Don’t go back to more Metal talk.  This scene does Zero for character development and Zero in moving the story forward.

P 12    Phil taking a phone call in Spanish.  Bingo – a chance to establish some character.
Sprinkle some real Spanish in his dialogue throughout the story.  Can you include something of his culture to plot?  Otherwise, what’s the point of Phil being Hispanic ?

When the guys get to the B&B, this might be an opp for Rory to show some charm.  Can he talk Mimi into giving them a price break?  Something  the guys can afford? $150, too high.  Can he get her down to say $100?  $50?  If he can pull it off, then we see him in action.  Know that he’s a charmer.  A ladies man?

James, help Rory out by developing  Mimi’s character.  For one character to be charming, the other character has to be charmed.  Right?  ABC – always be creating.  Rory and Mimi need to connect.
How about a Music Connection?
We know that the guys are on their way to New York for a metal concert.
We know that Meems is 50-something.  She likes music  (Grace Slick, not June Carter).  She was a teenager once upon a time.  Probably in the late ‘60s and early ‘70s.
Now what took place in NY around ’69?  A music event that Mimi might have attended?  Or wish she had attended.

The poker game isn't necessary.  Didn’t anybody bring a guitar or something?  A harmonica?  A kazoo?  
Okay, let’s say you keep poker in the story mix.  It could work, if you set it up correctly.
Example:   Rory and Phil go to the fridge for a late-night snack.  They pass some guys  playing poker.  Yuppie calls out, “You guys play poker?”  “We need more bodies. Come on, we’ll keep the stakes low for you pussies. What’s the matter, no takers.  Cat got your balls?”

Use the poker game to set up the coming scenes --- the Yuppie is an a**hole.  Phil  is p**sed, his manhood challenged.  He’ll be in a foul mood the rest of the night.  Rory keeps his cool and calms Phil down.  He’s the thinker.

I don’t know why the Subject has to check into a B&B.  He just stole clothes, assaulted or killed a bunch of people, so maybe he could just crawl into a room through a window.

Speaking of werewolf at the B& B, do you have a valid reason? Maybe he’s coming home.  Maybe he’s coming back to someone.
You said that you don’t want the Subject to be a sympathetic character. Do you really think you can avoid this?  Frayed Knot, said  the hangman to the noose.  Take a look on P 26:

Quoted from script The Subject removes the sanitary mask from its face and cries out in shock at its own reflection. The Subject’s nose and mouth are horribly deformed…The Subject moans in agony as two more teeth falls out.

That, my friend, is a sympathetic character.  You’ve created pathos.  That’s good.  A lot of movie monsters are tragic figures:  the Frankenstein Monster, the Wolfman, King Kong, Goldblum’s Fly.

The bloody note: Bring Me Meat.  Hmm?  Pretty campy if you ask me.  However, I’d lose that part.
I can buy Cody’s reaction (almost) if he want to help?  Does he have his own physical problems and so, identifies with  Subject’s affliction?  Does somebody here suffer from asthma or psoriasis?

When Cody goes to the kitchen and Mimi is sitting there reading, it’s another opp to reveal character/push forward the story.  Maybe Meems is drinking.   That would tell us more about her. Reading a book seems a bit limiting.  Unless she’s reading King or Poe.

Dialogue should have some conflict. An edginess.   Avoid repeating information the audience knows.  You tell us:

Quoted from script                                                                                     CODY                                             Rory’s my big brother.                                             Phil’s his best friend.                                                      MIMI                                             I see.                                                      CODY                                             But Rory’s not just my                                             brother. He’s my best                                             friend too. He’s always                                             nice to me and takes me                                             everywhere he goes and                                             always sticks up for me                                             when people are ragging                                             on me.

Yada yada.  We know this.
What does Mimi know that will help this story?
Mimi tells us that she likes the night, the quiet.  Why?  So she can hide?  Maybe from the world?  From somebody dangerous?   Maybe she seems off-kilter.     Sample dialogue:

MIMI:  Started this Bed and Breakfast last year, after my husband left. SOB used to beat the dickens outta me.    
           You know what his famous last words were? “I’ll be back… to kill you.”
CODY: What’d  they do, lock him up?
MIMI: They would have. But the police think I killed him.
CODY (off her look): Why would they think that?
MIMI:  Cuz they never found his body.

Leave us feeling creeped out.

Why doesn’t Cody tell Mimi about the sick guy in Room X?
When all the talk is done, please send Cody upstairs with some Meat.  You write:

Cody proceeds toward the end of the hallway. He does not notice the bloody note left on the floor.

Dude, he already saw the note. Top of 33, burgundy room, doesn’t work for me.  The guy should already have turned into a wolf.  Maybe we see this morphing at the same time Cody is trying to communicate with him.  More tension if we know that only a bedroom door separates a werewolf and a kid.

In the Yuppie massacre scene, maybe you can show us how the Subject knows exactly where in the room the Subject stands.  I think the werewolf has a keen sense of hearing.   Or smell.  Establishing   this sense at this point can be used again later in the story.
And hey, wouldn’t crashing through a wall to kill Yuppie be kind of noisy?  

Good scene with Phil discovering the blood and goo on the floor.  Not so good that Cody missed this earlier.  Wouldn’t  Cody’s feet be soaked with blood, too, or was he wearing shoes?
I don’t like the way Phil goes back to the bedroom and hassles Cody.  “Jeffrey Dahmer’s”  loose.  Phil should be waking Rory up, too.  

P 40 – Monster on the Loose.   Everybody runs to the basement.  This is another scene where Character Profiles  will serve you well.  

The reason it’s hard for me to believe Phil would go up and fight the werewolf  later is because his character wasn’t set up property at this point.  You write:

Quoted from Script                                                   PHIL                                That’s a f***ing werewolf upstairs.                                I don’t give a f**k if he’s got a gun.                                He’ll be lunch before he can get his                                ass through the f**ing door.                                                   CODY                                A werewolf!                                                   RORY                                Look. It’s worth a shot. In fact, it’s t                                he only shot we’ve got right now.                                               (to Phil)                                Who said anything about werewolves?                                                   PHIL                                Dude. Did you see that thing?

This doesn't sound like a guy about to go upstairs and fight a werewolf. Can you bring Phil’s Hispanic heritage into this scene?  Maybe growing up in Mexico, he heard legends of werewolf attacks.  Maybe his uncle claims to have killed the werewolf.  
Or, how about Phil having a tattoo of a cape and a sword on his arm.  To honor his grandfather , the greatest matador of his day. A man who feared no bull.  That kind of macho legend is what Phil fantasizes about.  He wants to be adored in the same iconic, heroic way.
Since you introduced this Hispanic angle, give us some payoffs.
Another way to go is to create Phil’s background  in the military (probably not), or as a jock, a bodybuilder, an MMA guy, an ex-gang banger.  Maybe he’s a fuel-injected, steroid machine.  Weaned on Smoky Mountain Wrestling and smash-mouth football. Some  of these guys really think they are invincible.  
Or maybe he’s pissed.  People in a rage, do some stupid s**t things.  
Still, I did enjoy Phil and the Subject going to war on each other.
Reminded me of the kitchen fight between Spoon and the wolfman in Dog Soldiers.  Remember that scene? Said Spoon to the Werewolf:
       “Come and have a go, if you think you’re hard enough.”
I’ve alluded to this, but can the Subject be coming home?  Maybe he’s Mimi’s husband or son.  There should be a connection.

**Important.  Separate your characters.    Split ‘em up.   Think of movies in which people get separated, such as Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, It! The Terror From Beyond Space, Alien.
Maybe Cody flees with the group, safe in the basement and maybe he doesn’t.  What if  the monster got between him and the others when they scrambled to safety.   Cody went the other way.  Now he’s alone.
But now he can also be a real hero.
He could communicate with the basement folks via a cell phone or text messaging. Bad idea?  Fine.

Once everybody is safe and sound in the basement and old Ernie can’t save the day and Phil gets mauled in the kitchen,  create another  challenge.
Maybe there’s a tunnel  or a duct in the basement that leads to another part of the house.  And it is only large enough for a 14-year-old kid to crawl through.
This might be how Cody gets help or can get to a weapon in the house.  But it also leaves him vulnerable and will test his mettle.
As for the 9-1-1 calls, maybe Mimi has a history of calling 911 with false reports or makes disturbing calls when she is stinkin’ drunk.  So they don’t take her serious.  Again, if you know her character, you will know why the police don’t respond.

When Dr. Weir and ZZ Twins come along (my God, man, what took them?), here is the twist your story needs.
Weir does not want to kill the beast.  He’s out to control it.  Crazy scientists who play God, believe they are God.  Maybe Weir wants to control the Subject to kill all of the witnesses.  Why not see if the control-implant  works?
And then, of course,  Doc finds that the Subject can’t be controlled.

As written, the scene with the good doctor sending victims upstairs to “kill” the monster doesn’t jive.  It’s repetitious.
Better to have the Doc send all the victims up at one time, using them as bait.  He waits in the wings to shoot the beast, if you insist.

Once Cody gets out of the basement, it opens up a bunch of possibilities.  
• He can set a booby trap for the Subject.
• He can locate a weapon in the house.
• He could run to Weir’s lab for a formula, serum, weapon, etc.

If Cody goes to Weir’s lab, he might errantly push  a wrong button.  Open a door housing… gasp…  more Subjects.

You won’t agree with everything I’ve thrown at you.  In summary, the key things to explore:  Cody’s POV.  The Subject coming home to the B&B (Mimi’s husband?).  Create more innovative fight scenes with the Subject.  Find a way to separate Cody from the group, so he can do something heroic.  Dr. Weir sees Subject’s escape as a test.  Can he control the monster?

I like the premise, however familiar it is.  Fun.  Seems like the stuff I grew up with (movies, not werewolves). Good luck, James and remember to ABC.

Thanks for the read, Abe. Sorry for the delayed response.

You've given me a lot to work with, which I appreciate, and made a lot of good points. So much, in fact, it'd be difficult to respond to all of it. So generally speaking, I'd agree that my biggest issues are overwriting, exposition, and repeated information. I'm already in the process of working on these things. I've edited down the B&B arrival scene and the scene with Cody and Mimi, among other things, as well as address several nitpicks and areas that are unrealistic.

There's a few places you've found issues with that others have already had a go at: the BRING ME MEAT note, Phil's fight scene, etc. These things, for the most part, will remain unchanged, as they get mixed reactions from everyone. When these things happen, I generally try to stick to my gut. I like the fight scene and as for Cody ignoring/forgetting about the note, I really think he would. It's in his character.

For once, I think I'm coming close to completing this script for good (or at least reaching the point where it's good enough to abandon). Most of the comments I've received as of late are generally a matter of differences in opinion, on the parts of the other readers and occasionally myself. Every movie's going to have those and they're never going to go away. Nevertheless, I think I can churn out one or two more drafts before I finally retire this thing for good (or perhaps the next couple years again).

Thanks again for the read.

OK, James.  I like the potential here.  I'm a sucker for werewolves and have a soft spot in the head for Mad Scientists.  Maybe this can be in the vein of "Reanimator" or "Phantasm."
One more thing, you might give Cody a special talent that he could use against the werewolf.  Maybe he's mad metal guitarist.  Even if only to distract the creature so Rory can shut the monster down.
Good luck and I hope to see "Lyc" on the shelves.

Oh yeah, about 7 years ago I was talking to this creative guy for some small production company and he said that some writer sent him a script called "Lycanthrope."  His company was set to purchase the script, but the writer disappeared.  As far as I know, they never heard back from the writer nor were they able to find him.  Weird.

Hey James,

I liked how you gave us a different take on the werewolf story (single transformation through genetic experiment).  I also thought the use of heavy metal kids as the heroes was refreshing.  I didn’t see any major issues with the structure and the pacing felt right to me. Except for a few typos, I didn’t find anything majorly wrong with the formatting or dialogue.  And I thought your gore was done well.

What I think you can improve:

At times the actions felt a bit dry and at times passive to read.  Avoid using ‘is’ and try varying your sentence structure a bit more in order to give the actions more movement and rhythm.

Anonymous names – In the beginning the Assistant, the Guard, and the Subject really had me feeling detached from the story.  Even if they only have a few lines I would suggest giving these people names, especially at the beginning.

‘The Subject’ being called that throughout left me feeling clinical about the creature.  I think should reconsider calling him this because you miss a great opportunity for me to feel some sympathy for this poor man who was forcibly included in a genetics experiment.

Besides the above, I thought there were a few minor tweaks you could make to improve things.    

Ernie could be made a bit more sympathetic, I didn’t feel much for him when he went.

Cody’s dialogue seemed to me at times to be a bit young for his age.